Getting Respite/ Planning a Trauma Mama Retreat!

Self-Care! Caring For the Caregiver 
I try to remember that, "If Mama ain't happy, ain't nobody happy!" I do everything I can to refill my "bucket." Even knowing that your child (who might feel abandoned) is going to “punish” you later, remember that it’s worth it. Your child may not be able to handle you leaving, but your whole family benefits from you getting this needed recharge. You can't help anyone if you have an empty tank.

Please do whatever you can to take care of yourself and your needs. It must be a priority.

But what if you just can't go anywhere! You're at the end of your rope and you're completely drained. 

You have got to find some respite somewhere, in some way. 

Respite

Some thoughts:

Sanity Breaks

What about a staycation? Prepare a couple of meals in advance (or just make sure you have cereal or sandwich fixin's for the kids), tell the kids you are on strike and they are on their own, then lock yourself in your room - well-stocked with your favorite beverages and snacks, Read a book, do some crafts, take a bubble bath, watch a non-Disney movie, have a friend or two over for a sleepover or "girls night in"... 

Are your kids old enough to be left alone for a little while? Even if you know they will get into trouble, as long as there's little chance of permanent damage, maybe you should just get away for a while - even a couple of hours doing something just for yourself.

TV -  I've been known to rent or even purchase a bunch of kid movies or a marathon on TV of a favorite show or movie series that I know my kids want to watch and plop them down in front of it with pizza and/or snacks. 

Keep them busy! Things your children can do to keep them occupied.
Activities for Kids

Activities to Keep Older Kids/Adults Busy

Informal Respite
Will your kids behave for other people? 

• Co-op (you watch my kids one time and I'll watch them the next).
• Babysitting by a fellow trauma mama or trained respite worker.
• Babysitting by a teenager who is experienced with kids with special needs (maybe a sibling of kids of trauma)
• Friends and family willing to learn how to provide care to "our kids"
• Playdates/ sleepovers with classmates, the children of family friends...

Daycare/ Mother's day out programs/ after-school care - even if you're a stay at home mom.

Gym a lot of gyms and YMCAs offer childcare while you work out (which is good self-care!).

Volunteer work. When our kids were too old for summer camp and after-school care. We found programs that offered highly structured volunteer programs. We found several equine therapy places that had volunteer programs. 

Extra-curricular programs (gymnastics, equine therapy, sports...) or therapy (like equine therapy). Even if you can't go far while your child is doing the activity, you can still do something just for you. I've sat in my car and read magazines.

Semi-formal Respite

Are they adopted from foster care? If yes, there might be some respite funding in post-adopt services. 

Local foster care agencies. Even if it's not the place from which you adopted your child. 

• Contact local foster/adopt agencies and see if they have parents trained in therapeutic parenting that will provide respite

Local parent support groups. Do you live close enough to somewhere that has support groups? A chance to meet other trauma mamas and build a support network.  Some support groups offer free childcare even if it's only during support group meetings. 

• NACAC (North American Council on Adoptable Children) - Find a local parent group.  https://www.nacac.org/connect/parent-group/
• NACAC - Find a local adoption support group. https://www.nacac.org/connect/find-local-adoption-support/

Churches. Even if you don't regularly go to church, there might be a church in your area that can help. Usually, there are classes for the kids separate from the parents, some of the larger churches even have special needs classes where people who "get it" take care of your kids, if just for an hour. Our church has an "angel" program, where an adult or teen follows around a special needs child one on one. 



Formal Respite
Post about Interview Questions for Caregivers or Respite Workers. 

Care.com and other professional childcare and respite care agencies. May have caregivers experienced in working with special needs, sometimes former foster parents, people who've worked in residential treatment centers, or special education teachers

College Students - Place an ad at the local college/university. Many students, especially special ed teachers, psychology majors, child development majors... are looking for jobs. This might be babysitting, after-school care, respite...

ARCH National Respite Network and Resource Center has a National Respite Locator that helps parents, family caregivers, and professionals find respite services in their state and local area to match their specific needs. 

• Search for Respite Providers and Programs
• Family Caregiver and Consumer Information

Respite Funding

• Search for Respite Funding
•  Title XX of the Social Security Act provides for funding for social services through the Social Services Block Grant (SSBG). States have substantial discretion in the use of SSBG funds. Each State determines what services are provided, who is eligible to receive them, and how funds are used. This might provide childcare funding (Tip: If the amount you qualify for is too low, the doctor can fill out the DHHS form “The Documentation of Special Needs for Child Care” to request a higher child care rate).
• Lifespan Respite Care Program - Lifespan Respite Care is not one specific program, but rather it is a federal act authorized by Congress that provides grants to the individual states. It is funded by the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services’ Administration for Community Living. Through 2018, there have been nine rounds of grants to establish Lifespan Respite Care Programs in 37 states, as well as the District of Columbia. The exact services and procedures are specific to the individual state, though all programs share certain components. The grants are intended to improve access to respite care, and to that end, each state strives to raise awareness that respite care services exist through public messaging and by offering a database of local respite care service providers. This allows individuals to search for providers and sort the results to meet their eligibility criteria.

Retreats
There are a few organizations out there that hold trauma mama retreats, but travel can be expensive and it can be super scary to hang out with a bunch of people you've never met before. The biggest issue of all is that when you need the support the most is when it's the hardest to get away!

I can tell you right now, that retreats are worth it! If you can possibly find a way to make it happen, DO IT!

Retreats can be big and super organized, or just 3 or 4 mamas hanging out.

• ACT Seminar 2009 and 2010 - road trip! Nothing like hanging out with trauma mamas for hours on the road and experiencing a powerful seminar. 
• Texas Trauma Mama Retreat 2012 - about 10 women, hanging out in a beach house.
• BeTA Retreat 2014 - over 100 women from all over the world staying in a string of villas in Florida. There were lots of (optional!) things to do: trainings/presentations, a catered meal with a comedienne for entertainment, trips to the local tattoo parlor, masseuses and mani/pedis, "block parties" with donated goodies... even a fun run). Each villa had a pool and hot tub and you could hang out with just the people in your villa or visit other villas. 
• Unshaken Moms Retreat 2015 - about 20 women staying in a gorgeous bed and breakfast in the middle of nowhere.
• Trauma Mama mini-retreats - a few trauma mamas hanging out in a hotel for one night. Sometimes a trauma mama will be visiting a city near me for an event and we'll gather together for a night and just hang out. We might sightsee, paint the town red, or just hang out and talk all night. 
• Trauma Mama Playdates - 2-4 trauma mamas getting together to talk. We might go to lunch or dinner or just hang out at the park or someone's house. Kids are optional - whatever works.

 One thing I love about retreats is that not only do you get to hang out with people who "get it," but you get to keep them! That intense bonding means I now have best friends all over the world. Whenever one of us is traveling, we can usually find a trauma mama nearby.

Want to go to a retreat, but can't find one near you? Organize one yourself (or talk your friends into helping you!)!!  

Retreats don't have to be expensive, but be sure you don't over commit yourself. Do get deposits from everyone who is attending. You don't want to end up stuck with a bill for a big house with empty beds. Personally, I don't care where I sleep or what we do, for me it's about who I'm with. I'd be perfectly happy sleeping on an upholstered chair in a cheap motel, drinking boxed wine and eating PB&Js, as long as I had a chance to connect with my fellow trauma mamas.

Henna Tattoo

Don't be afraid to ask for donations - it's a good cause! I recently went to a weekend retreat at a gorgeous B&B with amazing food, all for only $50! The location was donated by the sister of trauma mama (the place wasn't booked for that weekend, and she felt the trauma mamas were a good cause). 

Food can be potluck, brought in by local trauma mamas, donated by local shops, or shopped for in bulk. The main thing to remember is to have LOTS of CHOCOLATE! Many people and places will donate goods or services. One of the retreats I have been to has a woman who spends the whole weekend doing henna tattoos on everyone.

Yes, I dressed as Wonder Woman the whole time. Got a problem with that?

Hope Rising was a great organization that connected Trauma Mamas to each other primarily through FaceBook. They organized retreats at central locations all across the country. Unfortunately, they are no longer operating as an organization, but they have left behind a great document for organizing your own retreat.

Planning an Effective Retreat

Anxiety Scale

Kitty has severe issues with insight, emotional regulation, coping with negative emotions, recognition and appropriate expression of feelings, judgment, impulse control… She usually operates at close to max capacity for stress and anxiety. When she is under even slightly more stress and anxiety than usual, remaining stable and able to have emotional regulation in public becomes much more difficult for her.  She usually tends to shut down in public and has almost no emotional reserves left when she gets home.

For an example of the effects of this type of stress, see The Spoon Theory. We have modified, structured, and regulated much of her life to reduce her stress level, giving her as much emotional flexibility as possible to handle her life outside the home {Structure and Caring Support}.

In her freshman and sophomore year of high school, Kitty was in and out of psych hospitals for suicidal ideation and we were attempting to get her into residential treatment but were having funding issues {Finding and Funding RTC}. She was struggling so much that she usually couldn't make it through a whole day of school. She often would attend half of one class and call me to pick her up (usually going straight to the psych hospital), but the school insisted this was a "home problem," because she "wasn't showing any signs" of issues at school {Acting In}.

Crisis Plan

We had a lot of issues with the school not wanting to see her "Acting In" behaviors. It took us quite a while to force the school to come up with a Crisis Plan because Kitty didn't tend to act out or disrupt class when she was dysregulated. She'd literally "rather die" than let people at school see that she had "issues." 

I have to believe that some of the school's actively ignoring what was going on with Kitty was also to avoid liability/ responsibility. If the school acknowledged that Kitty's disability was affecting her education, they would be forced to make accommodations, like paying for residential treatment or moving her to a more structured environment like the secret special school for emotionally disturbed students that had only 3 students to each staff member and all the staff were trained in handling kids with behavior and emotional issues - hence way more expensive than regular school! 

Kitty has learned strategies to reduce stress  (Calming Techniques - e.g., exercise, deep breathing, neurofeedback techniques…), but she is unable to access these techniques when under stress or feeling strong emotions. So she needs assistance from someone trained in these techniques. We needed to know when she needed that assistance (and when she needed more than that). 

The school claimed that liability issues meant they could not ask Kitty if she felt suicidal. After much work, they admitted they were willing to ask if she felt anxious. We had "being able to express her feelings to school staff" formally put into her IEP. 

Behavioral IEP Goals:

• Using a scale, Kitty will verbalize or express her feelings to a trusted adult in the school setting a minimum of 1 time a day

• When Kitty is expressing anxious feelings or exhibiting "acting in" behaviors, she will request the assistance of a trusted adult 5 of 5 times

The problem was that they wanted Kitty to tell them how she was feeling on a scale of 1 to 10, and Kitty doesn't have a strong grasp of this concept. 

Rating scales need to be more concretely defined for Kitty. Kitty needs to understand exactly what the scores on the rating scales mean. When asked, “on a scale of one to ten, how suicidal do you feel?” she told the crisis assessment counselor she was a 6. When asked to elaborate, she said she felt suicidal and had a plan, but unlike a "10" she didn’t have the means (no rope or belt in her hand). To me, this would be more like an 8 or 9! Obviously, the crisis counselor agreed with me, because she sent Kitty to the hospital.

I came up with an Anxiety Scale for Kitty to use. {Unfortunately, the school decided this was too complicated and had her put a card on her desk that was green on one side and red on the other. Kitty was to flip the card to red when she was anxious. This was too simple and meant that Kitty couldn't get help with calming techniques while she was still regulated enough to use them.}

ANXIETY SCALE

0 – Cool as a cucumber.  INTERVENTION:  No intervention needed.

EX:  On the third day of a long vacation, soaking alone at a spa.

1 – Everyday minor stress needed to function.  Occasional twinges of minor discomfort.  

INTERVENTION:  No intervention needed.

EX:  Alarm clock goes off.  First bell rings.

2 - Minor bother.   

INTERVENTION:  Self-initiated calming skills.  No outside intervention needed.

EX:  Need to move quickly to get to class.  Momentarily can’t find homework.  See a cute boy.

3 – Anxiety annoying enough to be distracting. 

INTERVENTION:  Coping/calming skills still work, but might need outside reminders to use them.

EX:  Loud, chaotic environment.  Quiz you’re prepared for.  Ex-boyfriend standing 15ft away.

4 - Can be ignored if you are really involved; still distracting.  Somatic symptoms (upset stomach, headache...).  

INTERVENTION:  Brief breaks with adult support and assistance using coping/calming skills.  Can be redirected back to class.

EX:  People arguing.  Test you're prepared for.  Presenting a well-prepared presentation with a group.

5 - Can't be ignored for more than 30 minutes.  Thoughts of hurting self intruding, but controllable.  

INTERVENTION:  Brief breaks with adult emotional support.  Might be able to access coping skills with assistance.  Can probably be redirected back to class or work independently in a less stressful environment.

EX:  Giving a speech to a group.  Getting feedback or gentle teasing.  Feeling behind in schoolwork

6 - Can't be ignored but still can work.  Wants others to keep her safe from acting on feelings of self-harm.

INTERVENTION:  Leave stressful environment and continue work.  Learning Lab?  Talk with a behavior specialist.  Coping skills might work after calms down a little.

EX:  Picked on/teased by peers.  Test in class struggling in.

7 - Hard to concentrate, bothers sleep.  Can still function.   Feel the need to escape.  Suicidal thoughts.  Needs stressors limited by others or will escalate.

INTERVENTION:  Leave stressful environment (is not able to access cognitive part of brain for school work anyway).  Can’t access coping skills.

EX:  Feels personally attacked by someone close to her.  Overwhelmed because behind in classes. 

8 - Activity is limited a lot. Can read non-school books and talk with effort.  Suicidal thoughts with a plan, but not seeking out means.  Paranoid others hate her and are out to get her.  Acting out behaviors if can’t escape/ act in.

INTERVENTION:  Reduce stressors as much as possible.  Consider hospitalization, but can wait for an open bed.

9 - Unable to function. Crying out or moaning.   Acting out.  Fight/ Flight or Freeze Reactions.  Suicidal thoughts with plan and means, threatening, but not actively attempting to commit suicide.  

INTERVENTION:  Immediate removal from all stressors.  Hospitalization.

10 – Totally Stressed Out. Eyeballs explode.

Additional Post:
Handling Child Stress

Some Things We tried: 

Make things less stressful at home in the morning: getting up earlier so we could make mornings less rushed (this meant an earlier bedtime), setting out clothes the night before, having backpacks already packed and near the door (same with lunches if/when not eating the school lunch). We drove her to school instead of her taking the bus.

The school arranged a place for Kitty to go until her first class started so she didn't have to deal with a hallway full of kids. 

 - When we had trouble getting Bear to go to school, I tried things like giving him an incentive to get ready (hot breakfast like bacon and eggs or pancakes or some special treat like pop tarts). A couple of times, I was able to get him to the parking lot but he refused to get out of the car. I called the school and a behavior specialist escorted Bear from my vehicle into school. They also escorted Bear between classes a few minutes before the regular bell so he didn't have to deal with the chaos of walking in the halls between periods. At the end of the day, the school made sure he got on the bus (he tended to "miss" the bus).

Both kids had a quieter place they could go to for lunch (sit in the Assistant Principal's or guidance counselor's office or for Bear, the ROTC room).

Both of them were allowed to request to sit in the library or a study room to do school work quietly.  

My daughter could request to spend some time in the nurse's or counselor's office when she needed a break. 

When Kitty's anxiety was so high that she couldn't make it through a whole day of school (she would usually ask to be picked up halfway through the first class of the day, we started alternating when she started her class day so she wouldn't get too far behind. She would attend morning classes 2 times a week and I would pick her up before lunch. Twice a week, I wouldn't bring her to school until after lunch so she could attend her afternoon classes. On the 5th day, I think she went to the afternoon classes because she was so far behind after weeks of not being able to stay in school long enough to attend them.

We talked with the IEP team about having her do her school work at home with a teacher who came out to check on her a couple of times a week, but the school fought very hard against that as it is considered the highest level of restriction (and more expensive for the school).

Just knowing she had these options made going to school less stressful for Kitty. 

School!

http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2013/01/books-and-methods-review-school.html

Calming/Relaxation Techniques - 

http://marythemom-mayhem.blogspot.com/2014/02/books-and-methods-review-methods.html

Prioritizing Yourself, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order

We teach our kids how to value themselves by showing them we value ourselves.

One thing I learned the hard way,

you can't sacrifice the family as a whole for one child. 

We get a lot of pressure to dedicate ALL our time and energy to healing our child.

There are a lot of well-meaning people who say you "SHOULD" (or "should not") be doing ____________ for your child. They have no idea what living 24/7 with a child with an attachment disorder is like (even those professionals who have experience working with special needs children). They don't know YOUR child and how your child is with YOU - plus they work an 8-hour shift with your child at most, then they get to go home!

None of them take into account the needs of the rest of your family, your other children, your marriage, or you.  Their priority is the one child, not your family as a whole.

When my kids first came to us, I was empathetic, calm, and patient with them- maybe TOO patient.  I stuffed things down, let it roll off my back, and GAVE and GAVE and GAVE... until there was nothing left.

Nothing left for my child, my family, my marriage, and most of all, myself. I was so burned out and overwhelmed that we were all miserable.

Could Have/Should Have
When this all started, I didn't know what would help our child(ren) and what wouldn't make a difference. At first, looking back, I beat myself up over what I did and didn't do, and what I could have/ "should have" done differently. Over time, I realized that even if I'd done everything perfectly my child still may not have healed.

 BUT THAT'S NOT THE POINT!

Looking back, I realized I let the rest of the family suffer trying to help this one child (or in our case 2 children). I let my health fail. I became overwhelmed to the point that I couldn't function. You can't take care of anyone if you're shut down. 

(Giving Until There's Nothing Left - But My Child NEEDS Me!)

Over the years, my other children got little of my time and attention. I eventually figured out how to Find the Joy and get my needs met so that I had at least some energy left to meet their needs, but I wish it had been much earlier! As they became young adults, I learned of some of the things I'd missed while I was shut down and how much they had suffered. This caused even more debilitating Mama Guilt. 

I wish I knew then, what I know now ~~ You have to get your priorities in the right order.

PRIORITIZING YOURSELF:

SELF-CARE - CARING FOR THE CAREGIVER!!! Airplane pre-flight safety instructions say to put the oxygen mask on YOURSELF first before assisting anyone else.  If you are not taking care of yourself, you can't help anyone else.

As women, we tend to say, “Who has time for self-care?!” We sacrifice our own needs for our children (as our society and all those "well-meaning" people involved in our children's lives tell us we SHOULD).  So we keep giving and giving, until long after there’s nothing left, and if we try to stop we’re told we’re a bad parent for not giving our child what he/she needs.

Instead, what we MUST do is ignore the pushback and make ourselves a priority.  It is not selfish.  It is life-saving!  You have to find what works to fill your tank or there will be nothing left.

Things that helped me (in no particular order):

• Handling Continuous Traumatic Stress(CTS) - When Your PTSD is Not Post/Past Yet -  self-care and acknowledging and getting help for your Continuous Traumatic Stress.

• The Five Love Languages (Acts of Service, Physical Touch, Gifts, Words of Affirmation, Quality Time) - I highly recommend figuring out your love language and teaching your family how to give you what you need to feel loved, but don't depend on your family to meet ALL your needs (especially your spouse)!  That's not fair to them and they're probably dealing with their own drained tanks.
  
  My Love Language is Words of Affirmation, and I discovered that if I help others then they will give me what I need (thank yous and praise).  It felt self-serving at first, but it was the only way I survived when I was so drained that my "love tank" felt like the Pit of Despair!
  
  
• Training Hubby to give me what I need. I “trained” my husband on how to give me what I needed. I explained why it was important to me that my “strong, silent type” husband give me compliments and praise. Then I taught him how to do it (just like I teach my children!). I started by walking into a room and saying, “This Is Where You Say, ‘Wow! Honey, you look amazing!’” then I’d ask him to repeat. Eventually, I’d walk into the room, “strike a pose” and he’d compliment me.
  
  A couple of years ago, I went on a trauma mama women’s retreat. One morning, he texted me, “Rawr! You look really hot today.” I had to explain to my friends why I had a huge grin on my face all day! (And why he would text me that even though he had no idea what I looked like that day! lol).
  
  
• Therapy - for ME!  I needed to talk to someone whose primary goal was helping ME deal with my life.  In a lot of ways, our children are abusers, and we are battered women - if our children were adults, we would be told to run away as fast as we can, but since they are children, we are expected to just take it.  There is no way to not internalize years of this abuse.  I know I had PTSD from it.  I saw an EMDR therapist who specializes in PTSD, and she helped a LOT. Learning about my own issues, including my own attachment disorder, and accepting and dealing with them has helped a lot too. {Note: You've heard of Post-Partum Depression? Post-Adoption Depression is very real.}
  (Continuous Traumatic Stress - When PTSD Is Not "Post" Yet)
  
  
• Medication.  It is not shameful, and it doesn't have to be forever, but a LOT of therapeutic parents I know (including myself) take medication to help with the anxiety and depression that come from parenting kids with trauma/ attachment issues.
  
  
• Take Care of Your Body. I know you're going to ignore this, but GET SOME SLEEP!  DRINK LOTS OF WATER!  Eat Right.  Exercise.  Please do everything you can to take care of yourself.  No one else can.
  
  
• Avoid Toxic People and "Should"-ers).  This can be anyone who is critical or demanding of you and/or your parenting (whether you agree with them or not - even constructive criticism can be too much), people who delight in talking about their perfect children or insist that your child is just being a typical ____ (boy, teen, 5th grader...) - usually with the accompanying "My ________ (child/ nephew/ neighbor's first cousin...) did that once.  It's totally normal and he/she turned out ok.  You just need to ______ (spank them, use a sticker chart, ignore it...)."  They never listen when you try to explain how your child's intensity, duration, and motivation is totally different.  They think they understand your child better than you do, and they (or more likely the imaginary "someone else") would be a much better parent.
  
  
• Forgive Yourself for Not Being the "Perfect Parent" (which doesn't exist!) that could successfully heal/fix your child. All the things you hear about from those "perfect people" who post about their perfect families on FaceBook are total b.s.
  
  No family is perfect some just hide the skeletons better.  Martha Stewart, Fly Lady, and all those people on Pinterest do not have special needs children!  It's absolutely OK to eat macaroni and cheese on paper plates in front of the TV for 3 days in a row.
  
  
• You Haven't Failed! There will still be times when we feel defeated.  Like we just can't take one more step.  We want to run away.  We want to drop-kick this kid. We are completely drained and have nothing left to give anyone. It's OK to feel that way. Really!
  
  
• You Are the Expert on Your Family. I spent a lot of time trying to get validation for my parenting from people who just didn’t “get it.” I ran across a lot of parent-shaming from people who felt their way was the only way. Sticker/ level charts, spankings, timeouts… I was often told that if I followed their advice and my child wasn’t “healed,” then I must be a bad parent.
  
  
• There are many different ways to do “attachment parenting” and “therapeutic parenting.” Some are abusive. Some work better with younger kids/ older kids/ neurotypical kids… I finally learned to take what I need and leave the rest. I also learned that what my family and I needed changed over time. Ask me about the FAIR Club!
  
  
• Follow the Advice You Give Others!!  You know what you would say to someone in your situation!  You deserve to be treated just as kindly.
  
  {When my kids say something negative about themselves, I fuss at them just as much as I would if they said the same thing about a sibling.  ("Kitty, don't say mean things to my little girl!!"). So many of my female friends say horrible, critical things about themselves that they would NEVER say about someone else. Be kind and respectful to yourself.}

• Children respect those that they see us respecting; guess what they’re learning if we don’t respect their mother (us)?

• Keep on Swimming!  Feel free to scream this SUCKS!!! ...and then keep putting one foot in front of the other.  Don't look at how far you have to go.  Focus on surviving the day.
  
  You already have a 100% success rate!!  You and your child have survived every single day until now.  It may not have been pretty, but you've done it!!  Good for you!
  
  
• Find Time to Laugh! Do silly, fun stuff with the kids. Do silly, fun stuff just to entertain yourself! There are some great ideas in 99 Ways to Drive Your Child Sane and Brighten Up a Boring Day!
  
  
• Treat Yourself!  Even if it's for the most minute of successes.  Have you seen that Wendy's commercial about a little girl who lost her baseball game, but they celebrate because she didn't get hit by a ball?!
  - I didn't smack my child when she screamed in my face for the millionth time (Get a mani/pedi - even if you do it yourself).
  - My kids ate dinner. Yes, fast food in front of the TV counts!  (Go on an ice cream "date" with one of my healthy children).
  - No blood was spilled in the last hour! Or the last 5 minutes! (Take a hot bath with a trashy novel and a glass of wine after the kids go to bed).
  
  
• Use Respite! Get out of the house and away from it all, take the family on vacation, go on a day trip, go to a support group, or on a mom’s retreat. 
  
  
• GET SUPPORT!!  Surround yourself with people who "get it."  Prioritize these relationships. Real-life, online, support groups, therapists, empathetic friends... just find them, and share!! Remember, "YOU ARE NOT ALONE!" 
  
  
• ASK FOR HELP!!!  and ACCEPT IT!!  When someone has a baby or has been hospitalized, people come over and help out.  They bring food for several days or even weeks.  They clean, go shopping, mow the yard, take care of the kids...  just because we haven't been to a hospital (or maybe we have, but not for a "socially acceptable" reason), doesn't mean that we aren't living like survivors of some catastrophic illness or major life event.  When people say, "Can I help?"  Say YES!  You need help.  You deserve help.  Ask for it.  Accept it.  Please! 
  
  
• Grieve. Give yourself time to grieve for losing the child you thought you were adopting. Give yourself time to grieve the child that you wanted (who could love you back, heal with your help, be RRHAFTBALL...). Give yourself time to grieve for not getting to be the parent you wanted to be. This is not the life you thought you were getting when you went through the adoption process. This is a loss. Acknowledge it. Get treatment for it. 
  
  
• CHOOSE JOY - this is one of the hardest things I've ever done, and I wasn't ready for it until my "love tank" was a little fuller. Every day I try to focus on the positives.  It's hard as heck, but it is important.  I vent but limit myself to a maximum of 3 vents on any one topic, even fewer if I can. Most importantly, I focus on the positives and Choose Joy, like the little old lady in the nursing home (see below).
  
  
• Set Limits. Once I knew what I needed, I stopped giving so much that I had nothing left.  I’ve always been a rescuer, giving even beyond what I could afford to lose.   I had learned the hard way to stop doing it with other people (we called it "rescuing puppies" - people who seemed to be perpetual victims). I had felt though that these limits shouldn’t apply to children, especially MY children.   I soon found that the kids not only NEEDED the structure and boundaries I set by saying “No,” but they also did better with them – they felt safe which allowed them to trust enough to feel loved.
  
  (For help with setting boundaries, I strongly recommend reading the book, Stop Walking on Eggshells!  The first half of the book helped me with empathy for them, by giving me a better understanding of why they act the way they do. The second half gives great practical advice in setting boundaries.)
  
  
• Room Time (they don't have to sleep, just be quiet in their room). No matter their age, our kids go to their rooms at 9pm. Sooner if their bedtime is earlier or they're in the FAIR Club. (Although I admit that now that our kids are mostly teens, we've let it move to 9:30 or 10 pm if we're watching a movie or something). 
  
  
  Saying "no" is not being negative.  Negative is saying "yes" to things that are destroying you. 

PRIORITIZING YOUR RELATIONSHIP:

Prioritize Your Relationship with Your Significant Other.  With any luck, this person will be around long after your kids are out of the home. (Marriage - Keeping It Together)

• Prioritize respite, date night, Room Time, just spending time alone together. This gives Hubby and me a chance to be childless for a while (and watch something besides Disney on TV!). 
• A minimum of 5 minutes daily when you DON'T talk about the kids. 
• Decompression time. I try to give Hubby about 10 to 15 minutes when he first gets home to decompress (I used to hand him the baby - dirty diaper first- the second he walked through the door!)
• Schedule time to talk about the logistics. 10 minutes a day to talk about the kids and schedules.
• Discover your S.O.'s Love Languages. Figuring out Hubby's love language made it easier to efficiently help him with his own drained tank. When you have limited time and energy, it makes sense to focus on what will help the most, right?
• Don't depend on your S.O. to meet ALL your needs!  That's not fair to them and they're probably dealing with their own drained tanks.

PRIORITIZING YOUR FAMILY AS A WHOLE:

“The squeaky wheel gets the oil” is an American proverb used to convey the idea that the most noticeable (or loudest) problems are the ones most likely to get attention. When you are parenting children with attachment/ trauma issues this is a common issue.

When Bear and Kitty first came to live with us, it was obvious that Bear had some serious issues. He was aggressive and violent and needed line-of-sight supervision to keep everyone safe. When we finally got him into a residential treatment facility (Finding and Funding RTC), we realized that Kitty was struggling just as hard but her behaviors (kicking holes in the walls, attempts to run away, manipulative behavior...) were so overshadowed by Bear's issues that we barely noticed them. While he was gone, we were able to make serious inroads into helping her.

What we did not notice was that we were focusing on the squeaky wheel(s) to the exclusion of all else. Because we were always reacting to the latest crisis, or so completely overwhelmed and drained by it all that we were shut down, we lost focus on the needs of the family as a whole. We greatly appreciated the "non-squeaky wheels" because they weren't draining our time, energy, and resources... which meant we could put their needs on a back burner and keep our focus on the squeaks.

The problem with not maintaining and caring for the rest of your "vehicle" to focus on one wheel is that the vehicle will slowly break down. With neglect, simple repairs can turn into large, extensive problems. A slow (quiet) leak can go undetected and cause bigger, long-term problems. Looking back, I realized that we missed signs of Ponito's struggle with ADHD. Bob felt hurt every time we went to a Parent-Teacher Night and spent the whole time talking to Kitty's teachers instead of viewing Bob's artwork. We also missed the early warning signs of some pretty scary stuff that I only heard about years later, well after the fact.

As a family, we stopped doing fun things together. No car trips to visit family because Kitty couldn't handle sitting in the car for long periods. No shopping trips because Bear had to have line-of-sight supervision to keep him from shoplifting (he hated the extra supervision so was obnoxious the whole time). Both Kitty and Bear got overwhelmed in loud, crowded environments so the kids couldn't go to amusement parks, noisy restaurants, large stores... Before we adopted, we had large birthday parties and invited half the neighborhood. We only tried that once after the kids arrived. Kitty got so overwhelmed that she and one of her younger friends spent the entire time in her walk-in closet playing with Bratz dolls.

Neither Bear nor Kitty could be left home alone or with people who didn't know how to handle them so we rarely went anywhere without them and didn't go anywhere that they couldn't handle. Before we started using the FAIR Club, they were usually in trouble/grounded, so we couldn't take them anywhere. (The FAIR Club allows "family activities" so a child can participate even if they are in the FAIR Club. Before the FAIR Club, at least one parent was "grounded" too, because they had to stay home with the child).

Kitty and Bob were in the same grade at school so they were often invited to the same activities. It felt unfair to let Bob do things like go to a birthday/sleepover that both girls were invited to and not let Kitty go, especially when I knew how much it would hurt Kitty. (Now, I realize that it was more unfair to NOT let Bob go to the sleepovers and parties with her friends).



4 Reasons Focusing On The Squeaky Wheel Is A Bad Idea:

1. The squeaky wheel may not benefit anyway. 
It is quite possible that no amount of attention, time, and resources will heal/fix/help the child.


We give and give and give, and they are so broken that they not only can't give back, but they're probably never going to be able to pick up the torch and take care of themselves. 

2. You can't fill from an empty cup. 

If we drain our resources and emotional reserves trying to fill a child who can't be filled, then we're left empty. You can't fill from an empty cup. 

There is a point where we realize that we have given too much. I once heard a house parent in a residential treatment center for emotionally disturbed girls refuse to do something a teen was demanding from him. He told her that she was a "bottomless pit of need." At the time, I thought he was a horrible person. Now I get it.

Even if we could be sure that our heroic efforts would help heal the child, is it worth sacrificing the needs of the rest of the family?

3. The squeaky wheel can rob resources from others.
Often, giving even a little more resources, time, and attention, to family members who are not the “squeaky wheel” could go further than giving those same resources to the "squeaky wheel." Just as importantly, those non-squeaky wheels could suffer more without them.

Adding a new member (such as a new baby) to any family will take away some of the resources, time, and attention from the existing family members, especially with a newborn. The difference is that over time, many family units will work on creating a new balance, new memories, new traditions, new relationships... and hopefully will become stronger and work together as a team.

4. The squeaky wheel may not be the biggest problem.
Ironically, the squeaky wheel may not actually be the biggest problem. It simply is the one that is most noticed. We can run from squeaky wheel to squeaky wheel, crisis to crisis, and accomplish very little.

Our kids need a different type of parenting and society's "shoulds" can suck it! We need to prioritize the family as a whole. Think about what's best for all, not just the "squeaky wheel." 

WHAT CAN WE DO TO PRIORITIZE THE FAMILY?

When we prioritize the family, we focus on the needs of the family as a whole. Does this benefit the whole family? If it is primarily for one child's benefit, do the benefits to the child outweigh the drain of time, attention, and resources from other areas?

Spend Extra Time with Your Other Kids. Go on individual "dates" with them.  Find times to chat.  Treat them to a little extra mommy/daddy time.  Not only does it help the child but it helps you to get some time with your child that is capable of “giving back” and having a relationship with you. 

Allow Them To Vent. I give my children permission to talk about their feelings about their siblings. They know it is completely OK to tell me they hate their sibling, as long as they don’t act on those feelings or share them with the sibling or their friends. I try to help the child process their feelings about living with siblings with trauma/severe mental illnesses/attachment... issues. Sometimes I try to explain why their sibling acts the way he/she does, but only if I think the child can handle the information.

Family Therapy. Therapy as a family, therapy for individual members of the family (not just the adopted children). If you find a good therapist, processing feelings and getting unbiased opinions can help with healing. (Questions To Ask A Potential Therapist)

Establish Family Values and Family Rules - Rules and boundaries are necessary. They make children feel safer and having a family "code" helps family members feel connected. Our Family Values - RRHAFTBALL.  {Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?}

Respite - Everyone needs breaks from the stress and pressures of this life. If you want to go on a family vacation or outing, acknowledge that your child may not be able to handle this outing, but rather than “punish” the whole family (and the child) by staying home, find fun alternatives/respite for your child and go anyway. Leave the child with family, friends, or a caregiver (preferably someone who “gets it”), and go. Even knowing that your child (who might feel abandoned) is going to “punish” you later, remember that it’s worth it and your family needs this time together to heal and recharge their batteries. We often found that a child's visits to psych hospitals (and residential treatment) worked as respite. (Questions To Ask Caregivers And Respite Workers)

Do Fun Things Together - We're building memories! We're reinforcing the feeling that you are loved and life is worth living. This is important for a happy, healthy, loving, and attached family.

Like many families, we discovered that when one child was grounded, everyone was grounded or one parent was stuck at home with the child. When a child is in trouble, it is very tempting to punish them by not allowing them to do fun things; however, what if that child is almost always in trouble? Why should the child even bother to try to get out of trouble if the family never does anything fun anyway? We're trying to encourage attachment. Who wants to attach themselves to that?

I can hear you thinking, "My kid's behavior was horrible today! He doesn't deserve to go on a fun outing. He'll think he's won."

I get it. He may not deserve it, but he needs it. 

We tried to balance this so it didn't feel like a reward but also wasn't a "blank slate" (we're not going to forget what he did ever happened). 

Plus, if we stayed home, or one parent stayed home, then the family couldn't ever go anywhere or do anything together, because at least one of the kids was always in trouble (always!).

Our solution? All the children were allowed to go on "family activities" (or we found something else for that child to do with a trusted adult if he or she couldn't handle the activity because it was overwhelming or triggering). 

If the whole family was doing something together, like going to the park, or the movies, or out to eat... then the child could go. We wanted there to be obvious rewards to being part of our family. (Katharine Leslie Seminar - Secure Attachment)

Encourage Family Time - The FAIR Club, our family's version of discipline, had built-in family time. Part of the FAIR Club Letter that the child is given when they enter the FAIR Club specifically addresses this.

Family Time - You will need to hang around the family a LOT so we can show you by example how to be RRHAFTBALL. You will probably be expected to do extra chores and help cook so you can practice being RRHAFTBALL. You will need to make lots of eye contact and use a pleasant tone of voice when speaking with others.

PRIORITIZING THE CHILD

The primary focus of this blog is therapeutic parenting of children with attachment/trauma/mental health issues, so there is lots of info on helping your child, Here are some posts that might help:


Structure and Caring Support
Therapeutic Parenting-Behavior Management and Discipline

Advocating - Some Notes
Persuasive Writing - How to Get Your Document Read
SCHOOL!!
...check out the right sidebar for more.

Seven Years

Hard to believe I started this blog seven years ago. One month after the adoption of our son, Bear (the day before his 15th birthday), and 5 months after adopting Kitty (2 weeks before she turned 13). This blog started out as a way for me to get support and advice from other people who had adopted and a place to vent about the overwhelming drama/ trauma in our home. Blogs were one of the few ways I had to connect to the adoption community.

MONDAY, AUGUST 25, 2008
Venting
In our house it's called the "Three Vent Rule." In my need to talk through my problems I discovered I was not only burdening my friends and family with my problems, but I was also "ruminating" and actually making myself feel worse. I eventually came up with the "three vent rule" - which stated that I could only whine/ complain on any one subject to no more than 3 people. I try to spread the love around too so no one person bears the burden of all my whinging (except Hubby - poor baby always has to listen, but that's why I married him - because of his broad shoulders - designed to bear all the weight of my world, and then some). I also had an unwritten rule to try to make the story as entertaining as possible so no one would notice what a total whiner baby I really am.

Another big source of venting for me was the long e-mail (Hubby calls them novels). I would write all about what my children were in to (or more likely up to) and the whole adoption team was FORCED to read them. Now that my children's adoptions are FINALLY final, I no longer have a captive audience. I'm hoping that this blog will allow me to vent without overwhelming my small support group.
So now I begin the journey into blogging.

Over the years, as we muddled through the mayhem of living with teens with RAD (Reactive Attachment Disorder) and severe trauma and mental illnesses, my life and outlook have changed RADically. I no longer need the validation that I'm doing the "right thing." I know that doesn't really exist. It still hurts when people criticize my parenting and my choices, but I feel more confident that I'm doing the best I can.

3 years ago, I discovered that Biomom had been reading my blog. I freaked out decided to shut it down. I knew that over the years, I had made assumptions and criticized Biomom's parenting in a way that would be hurtful to her. I did/ do have empathy for why she made the choices that she did and I regretted damaging our relationship (such as it was).

I chose to write my blog for several reasons:

1. As a place to vent and get support from other moms who "get it."  When I first started blogging I didn't have access to this amazing community, and the few people I knew who'd adopted, even those who'd adopted RAD kids, had adopted younger children.  
2. To share and provide support and education for other trauma mamas.  Over the years I've had to acquire a crash course in RAD and trauma and I didn't want others to have to go through what I did and make the same mistakes I made.
3. To provide information to those in my kids' lives that needed it (like Grandma), without having to repeat myself or chance having the kids over hear it.
4. To maintain a record of events.

Now that most of my children are (legally) adults, I blog mainly to give back to the adoption community. I moderate some FaceBook groups and comment frequently on others. I maintain this blog primarily as a resource.

I will continue to post resources, and include occasional updates about the kids, but I am no longer actively blogging. I want to thank everyone who has been there for me over the last 7 years.



Family Update:

Bear (22) still in prison, but he's expecting to get out soon. We talk to him weekly(ish) on the phone and send him a small monthly stipend. He changes his mind on a daily basis as to whether or not he will move back to our state to live near us or move in with biofamily. Either way, we'll have to limit our relationship until he gets stable on meds. I will continue to help him and do his case management, but for the sake of the rest of the family, he cannot live in our house again.

Kitty (20) still lives at home. Her therapist (and I) believe she will never be able to live without some support. She just misses the cut-offs for most assisted living/ group home type situations, but that may change as she gets older. Working and school have proven too stressful for her, and we're still working on finding her something she can do all day (besides watching Netflixs, going to therapy, and occasionally hanging out with friends). As she matures, I am hopeful that she will find a way to be happy with what she has, and what she needs.

Bob (19) is starting her second year of college and living in her first apartment. She loves school and has become a confident, amazing young lady. She is so independent, except when she's not! She still calls Hubby and I when she needs to know what to do about a flat tire, how to handle her roommate keeping a dead baby bird in a jar of water on the counter in their dorm room, what to do when her roommates figure out what an incredibly picky eater she is...  I hope she will always need her mama a little bit.

Ponito (16) is a junior in high school this year. He has recently been diagnosed with Depression and Attention Deficit Disorder (ADD). We're hoping that we can find the right medications to get him back on track at school and start to enjoy doing the things he loved again (like soccer).

Hubby (50!) is still my rock. 21 years of marriage and he still loves me. Yea! We're struggling financially, which stresses him out, but he keeps moving forward.

Me (45) I'm finally working only one job. I'm (mostly) full time in the corporate world, but I telecommute so my schedule is pretty flexible. I am able to go to all the therapies, doctor appointments and do the case management needed by Kitty (and the other kids). We've decided to sell our house in a few years, so I'm trying to squeeze in a lot of remodeling (DIY to save money) in my "spare" time. Another reason to be grateful I don't go to the office every day, I'm usually covered in paint/ stain/ sawdust...