Better e-mail?

Ok, I'm trying to take y'all's advice and see if I can word my e-mails better. Here's one I just sent to Bear's admin and case manager.

Thank you very much for your efforts regarding keeping Bear in the classroom. It is my understanding of the teachers’ reports, that just having the teachers tracking his leaving the class has reduced the amount of time he is out of class.

Next Steps:
Now that we know Bear was leaving class excessively, and have curtailed this, I believe next steps should be dealing with any consequences to this step up in supervision. If the school staff feel that these consequences are Bear’s recent failing grades and increasing issues with teachers and students, or that these are caused by the final transition from the Special School for Emotionally Disturbed Kids, then it is time to discuss what needs to happen next to help Bear get back on track and resume his education.

Escorting:
I do wish to request that Bear not actually be escorted when he leaves the classroom, unless he is being escorted for the same reasons as the other students, in which case I would appreciate it if he know that was why or at least know he is not being escorted at my request (which of course I did not request) or because the School Behavior Program staff have a personal vendetta against him.

Mary

Better?

Answering some comments

Jennie - Before Hubby, I not only allowed everyone to criticise me I asked for it. It hurt like anything, but I tried to be EVERYthing they wanted (like a personality chameleon). I was the perfect girlfriend, perfect friend, perfect student -on the outside. Inwardly I was beating myself up because I knew it was all a lie, and if they found out they would leave me (which they eventually did anyway or I pushed them away because I couldn't stand waiting for them to do it).



I believe I had/have an attachment disorder, but at the very least I had a severe distrust of people, especially men. It took many years to get to where I could trust Hubby would stay (it still amazes me). It took even more to figure out what I needed from our relationship to be happy (I love Love Languages!). Even those were hard to figure out for me because I had denied my own wants for so long.



Over the years, Hubby has probably inadvertantly criticized me more than I realize, but because I trust him now I'm not as sensitive (I know it doesn't seem that way on my blog!). Just like Kitty's perception issues (if Hubby speaks firmly or even implies criticism she had huge meltdowns because he's "yelling at her") are improving so are mine. Believe me I have a lot of empathy for Kitty in this area, and a lot of pity for poor Hubby because he has to go through it all over again. I guess he's used to walking on eggshells.



Kristina P. - I'm pretty sure my e-mails aren't usually worded in a way that is telling the therapist what to do or what to work on. Most of my e-mails aren't even to the therapist, I merely copy him so he'll be aware of what is going on in Bear's life outside the office.



Honestly I'm so used to having to justify Bear needing services or our restrictions to everyone, that I want to keep it fresh in everyone's mind that despite appearances he is not healed or an adult. The school especially is notorious for trying to put him in the "Least Restrictive Environment" and there is so little that they will acknowledge as justification for keeping him where he is (mostly that whatever it is has to happen on campus and be caught by one of them). So when something does happen (like bringing drugs to school, wandering the halls, trying to get restraining orders on the behavior program staff, or his latest escapade - plagerizing homework assignments), I tend to rub their noses in it.



I'm a firm believer in documentation as well, because I've found that the school is even worse than Bear about blank slates. Every time he changes schools or programs, no one knows his history, and that means that not only does he get a huge opportunity to manipulate and get into unsupervised trouble, but we look like the worst over protective, restrictive and punitive parents. This is NOT good for Bear. He already thinks adults are stupid and there to be manipulated, but he really doesn't need to hear that we're mean, unreasonable parents - he already thinks that.



Bear doesn't get to see my Mama Bear side much because he doesn't see that I'm fighting to get what he needs. He'll probably be seeing it soon, because the school is about to hear from me. His case manager and I talked about my concerns for Bear wandering the school and getting into trouble - our solution was to let all his teachers know to be aware of it. I found out yesterday that the case manager had gone a step further than this and has asked all teachers to call the Behavior Program and have him escorted any time he leaves the classroom. One stood outside the door while he peed the other day. This is the staff he's already paranoid are following him around, AND he was told that this was at my request! Talk about Least Restrictive Environment?! They're going to have a hard time justifying this to me.



Thanks again for the support and virtual hugs guys!! I've really needed every one lately, and if you pray, we could really use a lot of those too. Yesterday was a really tough day that for once had nothing really to do with the kids.

What did he say now - interpretation.

There’s this Girl I like A good amount but I want to ask her out But I Don’t want TO do it at school. And I Think I got A way But I don’t know how to do it is a Long Story
S____ and I were not work / seeing I TO I. BUT the person that just called was her, her name is t____. But Ill send you more in a min.

Interpretation: There's this girl that I like a lot. I want to ask her out, but I don't want to do it at school. I think I've thought of a way (to ask her out while not at school), but I'm not sure. It is a long story.


S. and I were not working out because we weren't seeing eye to eye.

(Apparently at this point a girl calls him on the home phone).

The person that just called was the girl I like. Her name is T. I'll send you another e-mail in a minute (but he didn't).

New baby

Well Bear and Kitty's mom had her baby. She sent me pictures of the baby and one of the kids' younger sisters. First time she's communicated with me since she told me she was disappointed the baby was going to be another girl because she wanted to give Bear a little brother. I felt like she's been treating me like a foster parent and had gotten sick of it. So I told her that I had given Bear a little brother, and a sister for Kitty to play with. I told her I just wanted her to know that the children had a family who loved them and siblings to play with and they were happy. That was in May.

I showed the pictures to Kitty in therapy tonight. She was interested in the picture of her older sisters and how much the 10 year old looks like her. She commented on how the girls have lost their baby fat and are slim like Kitty now. She thinks the baby has her nose, we talked about whether or not that meant Kitty probably has the same nose that biomom does. There were no pictures of biomom, but you could see someone's hand in one of the baby pictures. Kitty thinks she recognizes biomom's fingernails. We then had an in-depth discussion about fingernails and stinky feet. Therapy's not all therapeutic!

At one point in the conversation, Kitty pointed to each of the girls, including the new baby and said you are going to adopt her, and her, and her. This is so hard to watch.

We also talked about the book that Kitty is reading called "The Stuff Stars are Made Of." This is a library book she got with Grandma. The back gives no clue what the story is about so I can't complain to Mom, but... The book is about a girl and her younger brother who are left with the Grandmother and the Mom just takes off. The grandmother is very old and the girl is basically raising the brother, even enrolls him in school herself. One day the boy doesn't get off the bus, and the girl calls the school pretending to be the mother as usual. The school starts asking questions because the Mother picked up the boy at school for a doctor appointment. At the point in the story where Kitty is, the boy hasn't been home for 3 days. The girl has talked to the biodad who she's never met because he's in jail. When he gets out on patrol (parole, but Kitty has trouble with her reading!), he goes looking for the boy.

Kitty tells the therapist about the book and comments how it is similar to biomom. Biomom often left them in the care of others. She insists that the book is not upsetting her at all. *sigh* I don't know how much to protect them, or even how to protect them both at this point.

Kitty confessed that she sleeps better and gets up fine when she goes to sleep at midnight, which she claims to do often. *heavy sigh*

I sent an e-mail to biomom thanking her for the pictures and asking if the baby is OK since she appears to be in an incubator or something medical. Kitty wants to start sending e-mails to her little sisters. I told her it was OK as long as she understood that I needed to be able to review biomom's e-mails first because in the past she has blamed the kids for their removal from the home. Kitty says she knows now that it is not her fault she was put in foster care and it doesn't matter to her if biomom says it. I'm totally torn. Kitty wants the new baby to know who she is, and she wants to communicate to her sister's more often. Since up until now that means only talking to them when they are with the grandparents (2-3 times a year) she misses them a lot.

I think this therapy session was tougher on me than Kitty. Maybe I should insist on EMDR paddles for me too!

Mary