This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Tuesday, September 23, 2008

New baby

Well Bear and Kitty's mom had her baby. She sent me pictures of the baby and one of the kids' younger sisters. First time she's communicated with me since she told me she was disappointed the baby was going to be another girl because she wanted to give Bear a little brother. I felt like she's been treating me like a foster parent and had gotten sick of it. So I told her that I had given Bear a little brother, and a sister for Kitty to play with. I told her I just wanted her to know that the children had a family who loved them and siblings to play with and they were happy. That was in May.

I showed the pictures to Kitty in therapy tonight. She was interested in the picture of her older sisters and how much the 10 year old looks like her. She commented on how the girls have lost their baby fat and are slim like Kitty now. She thinks the baby has her nose, we talked about whether or not that meant Kitty probably has the same nose that biomom does. There were no pictures of biomom, but you could see someone's hand in one of the baby pictures. Kitty thinks she recognizes biomom's fingernails. We then had an in-depth discussion about fingernails and stinky feet. Therapy's not all therapeutic!

At one point in the conversation, Kitty pointed to each of the girls, including the new baby and said you are going to adopt her, and her, and her. This is so hard to watch.

We also talked about the book that Kitty is reading called "The Stuff Stars are Made Of." This is a library book she got with Grandma. The back gives no clue what the story is about so I can't complain to Mom, but... The book is about a girl and her younger brother who are left with the Grandmother and the Mom just takes off. The grandmother is very old and the girl is basically raising the brother, even enrolls him in school herself. One day the boy doesn't get off the bus, and the girl calls the school pretending to be the mother as usual. The school starts asking questions because the Mother picked up the boy at school for a doctor appointment. At the point in the story where Kitty is, the boy hasn't been home for 3 days. The girl has talked to the biodad who she's never met because he's in jail. When he gets out on patrol (parole, but Kitty has trouble with her reading!), he goes looking for the boy.

Kitty tells the therapist about the book and comments how it is similar to biomom. Biomom often left them in the care of others. She insists that the book is not upsetting her at all. *sigh* I don't know how much to protect them, or even how to protect them both at this point.

Kitty confessed that she sleeps better and gets up fine when she goes to sleep at midnight, which she claims to do often. *heavy sigh*
I sent an e-mail to biomom thanking her for the pictures and asking if the baby is OK since she appears to be in an incubator or something medical. Kitty wants to start sending e-mails to her little sisters. I told her it was OK as long as she understood that I needed to be able to review biomom's e-mails first because in the past she has blamed the kids for their removal from the home. Kitty says she knows now that it is not her fault she was put in foster care and it doesn't matter to her if biomom says it. I'm totally torn. Kitty wants the new baby to know who she is, and she wants to communicate to her sister's more often. Since up until now that means only talking to them when they are with the grandparents (2-3 times a year) she misses them a lot.
I think this therapy session was tougher on me than Kitty. Maybe I should insist on EMDR paddles for me too!


Anonymous said...

May I suggest that rather than letting Kitty email her little sisters she write them actual letters? She could even type them on the computer and use fancy fonts and colors, etc, if that makes it more fun. But that way she can send them to the house, (learning about sending letters through the mail in the meantime)and the girls would be able to save them too. Maybe they would write her back, maybe not. But it would be less likely that bio mom would start sending her stuff. Of course, it just occurred to me that maybe you don't want her to have your home address...

marythemom said...

Kitty hates to write, but is learning typing. My suggestion is that she type letters (which she still finds fun) and I'll type them into an e-mail and send to biomom. You are correct in that I do not want biomom to know my home address. We've sent stuff through caseworkers before now, but that's no longer an option. I might send packages from work instead.