My little runaway

I think I posted that on the Saturday after Christmas, Kitty had packed a huge bag for her overnight to Grandma's house. After much argument, she had to leave it at home. We discovered later that she had planned to run away from home that day, and that she was jealous because I had given Bob highlights for her hair as one of her Christmas presents. This worked out because Bob was willing to share and Kitty got some highlights of her own.

Well the suitcase never got unpacked and it joined the long line of laundry that came out of Kitty's room when she went to Camp Crazy. Tonight it had finally reached the head of the line and I started emptying it out. Here's the note I found in one of the pockets.

I love you all but I must go because I feel like you love your real kid more than me

I am going to go were God is going to tell me to go

bye for now at lest (least).

Sorry I put you there (through) all the trouble

yours tarely (truely)

(signed with her full birth name - not her adopted name)

(I copied her picture of a broken heart as best I could. This is pretty much what it looks like. And how my heart feels right now too.)

On the sixth day of the New Year

On the sixth day of the New Year my daughter gave to me, six seconds of stillness

five (thousand) golldurn whines!

Four good things from therapy,

three half-hearted "I love you"s,

two five minute conversations,

and 7 hours of waiting blearily!

So tonight we had a repeat of New Year's Day, but this time we knew better than to bother to call anyone, and just kept going. *sigh*

Kitty came to work with us today. We were there for 30 minutes in which she wiggled around and didn't do more than open one of her workbooks, and whine and complain. Her EMDR therapist was willing to meet with her, so I threw some food in her (she's been "starving" all the time since she got home and begging for pizza, junk food and sugary snacks! Which is what she's "used to."). After many pointless therapy sessions in which she spent the whole time complaining she was hungry, I knew to give her food before we left (yet she still complained she was hungry and ate a ton of the therapist's dried blueberries - that the therapist was nice enough to share). She colored and ignored us most of the time. Totally wasted session.

We got back to work, ate lunch (after which she was still hungry - for cookies, candy, chips...), and then she said she needed a nap. I let her sleep for 45 minutes. 5 minutes before I had to go in a meeting I woke her up and made everyone wait on me while I tried to get her started on her schoolwork, but of course she had to go to the bathroom. I told her to get straight to work when she came back.

Apparently she did one or two pages in her workbook and then decided to "make a plan" for how she was going to finish her workbook pages over the next week. Apparently this required over an hour's worth of "math" calculations (not taking into account that she needed to do corrections on the work she'd completed, take tests, and would have more pages assigned). I came back into the room from my meeting to find that she'd done 3 pages all day! Needless to say, I was not a happy camper.

We had 1/2 an hour before we left for the day. She spent it arguing with me that if she did any schoolwork today it would mess up her calculations! Plus, she didn't understand it. It was too hard. She's retarded (she's not!). Only Ms. W can explain it right... Her mouth never stopped moving, her body never stopped wiggling, her attitude never stopped either. I got a "wee bit" frustrated with her.

I called and left a message for the psychiatrist that we would like her ADHD med increased (something mentioned by the hospital).

On the way home I informed her that she would have plenty of time to get a little more work done when we got home. That quite frankly I wasn't sure she was ready, and our original agreement was that she would have all the catch-up work completed before she went back to school. I knew that it was too late to finish it all, but she could at least finish us some of the workbooks that only had a few pages left.

At home she informed us that there was no way in he*ck* that she was going to do anymore work. She tried to run away from Hubby and barricade herself in her room. He was having none of it. He stood in her room to keep her safe. She escalated higher and higher. Tried to jump out the window, ran downstairs, tried to lock herself in the bathroom again, tried to run outside, yelled and cursed, put her mouth on me to bite me (but didn't), said over and over she wanted to go back (to Camp Crazy) and wanted to go home (to Nebraska). Lot of crying, lots of angst and drama. *sigh* I'd say we're right back where we started, but really we're worse off.

Now she has a new goal. She wants to go back to Camp Crazy.

I know her meds are still not right. I know Camp Crazy is pointless. I know I have 2 weeks before she goes to public school for the first time in 1 1/2 years. I know she can't stay at the private school. I know if she can't handle private school that there is no way she can handle public school. I know she has 2 weeks before biomom comes to town and public school starts. I still haven't told her about school or biomom. I was going to wait until the end of Christmas break to tell her about school, but I think we can safely say she was not ready. I guess we'll wait until after the IEP meeting when we know more about what services she'll be receiving (plus it's a good "reason" for not telling her before then)

I talked to the AT and she wants to talk about biomom's visit in the next session (Tuesday). Biomom's visit is the day before the new semester starts, which is when Kitty starts public school. Great timing, huh?! I'm sooo excited about explaining to Kitty why Bear will get to see biomom and Kitty won't. (He's older, he didn't just get out of a mental institution, his therapist agrees that he's at a stable point in his life and can handle it). I know she may never forgive me for this. I'm tired of making these kinds of decisions. I hate being in a lose/lose situation.

Better go write an e-mail to the private school and let them know Kitty is still not ready to return. I'm so excited about having her at work with me! (If I say it often enough maybe I'll believe it!).

I'm so excited about having her at work with me!

I'm so excited about having her at work with me!

I'm so excited about having her at work with me!

I'm so excited about having her at work with me!

On the fifth day of New Year

On the fifth day of the New Year my daughter gave to me, five (thousand) golldurn whines!

Four good things from therapy,

three half-hearted "I love you"s,

two five minute conversations,

and 7 hours of waiting blearily!



Yup she's home! We got a call at 10:30am that Kitty was ready for release. SAY WHAT?!!! "Yes, and could you please pick her up before 1pm?" Turns out that in their tiny little minds they have solved the problem. They have completely removed the anti-depressant (as of this morning no more doses) and they have increased her Geodon by 60%! How did they do that without increasing her med dose you ask? Why by giving her half her dose in the morning, instead of all of it at night, and by telling us she should be taking it with food. Not taking it with food decreases it's effectiveness to 40% (although we usually give it to her at bedtime and this is rarely more than 30 minutes from a meal or snack - we eat dinner late).



I thought Hubby was going to bust a blood vessel, and he was driving - not good! I talked to the social worker, nurse and a doctor. Long story short, she's exhibiting no symptoms (of course not - "all" her issues are at home!) and at any rate her remaining problems are not curable by medication so they sent her home. *sigh* After yesterday's family therapy session this came as a total shock.



We picked her up at 12:30pm, more sitting around and a little paperwork. Have I mentioned how much sitting in small rooms with nothing to look at that we've done in the last 5 days? No evaluation forms for us (although Kitty got one). I'm hoping they mail us one. If they're smart they won't.

Kitty misses her BFFs already! Luckily she complied with their no exchanging contact info rule. All she can talk about is how much better it was at "Camp Crazy" (tacky nickname I know, but "Club Med." was taken and they didn't really give her any new medications). She misses the food, the sugary snacks, the other kids, the TV shows, the staying up late.... ALL her new BFFs agree that we're the meanest, strictest parents ever! I tried pointing out that all of those kids' parents might be more lenient, but they still ended up in a mental hospital and therefore weren't the best role models! Admittedly she got me on that one by pointing out that she was there too. So I pointed out she wasn't a good role model for herself either! (So there! *phhbpt!*)

She wanted to go out to dinner somewhere special - her choice. Uhhh, no?! She's only been gone 5 days, and in that time we have not miraculously become any less broke. We saw her every day so this is not a special celebration. Plus, I was already heartily sick of her attitude.

Poor Grandma. I had called her to warn her that Kitty would be coming home with us after work, and that I hadn't had time to finish getting her room cleaned out and her laundry done. I had mentioned yesterday that I was thinking of replacing Kitty's "curtain" with a couple of twin bed sheets that matched her room (purple), because the light lavendar floral double bed sheet (that was replacing the expensive honeycomb shades she'd "accidentally" broken months ago) was too light colored, too florally, and really bothered her. Grandma decided to buy new sheets for Kitty's curtains. The only colors they had though were all light colors too. Except the black sheets she ended up purchasing and preparing for curtains (I didn't know this until after my meltdown though). Sorry Grandma!

After sitting in the office all afternoon listening to Kitty whine and complain and be completely unable to be quiet for just one minute while I read an important document;
being trapped in the car the whole way home, listening to Kitty moan and bellyache about how awful we are in comparison to Camp Crazy and the parents of her BFF's
listening to how much she missed our pets (not the family, just the pets);
lightly touching her back as she stood in the walkway of the family room only to have her violently shrug me off and move away (ensuing discussion of how she "hates to be touched" - followed by my comment that it only bothers her sometimes)
hurrying upstairs to try to deal with the 8 loads of her laundry that I did manage to get clean;
get the entire linen closet folded and out of her room (don't know why every sheet and comforter in the entire house ends up in her room)
getting some of Kitty's now clean laundry hung up in her closet, only to have the closet rod break

I was just tired of it all.

I came downstairs to find Grandma working on black curtains - for my depressed daughter... who wants to be emo... who just got out of a mental hospital... who ended up "attempting suicide" partly because I insisted she couldn't block out all the light in her room... And I just lost it. I started to argue with Grandma, realized she'd had good intentions and was already almost done with her gift, and just left the room. I went and hid in the bathroom for a little while. Finished the last chapter of the Dick Francis novel I got myself for Christmas.

Took a deep breath, went down and worked on dinner a little (luckily Hubby cooked Baked Lemon Chicken - yum!) all I had to do was make the specially-ordered Fried Rice - not that any of dinner turned out to be what she wanted. Kitty did come find me, gave me a hug, and apologize for her behavior. I then ran to the grocery pharmacy to pick up some meds we were about to run out of.

I decided to call my neighbor to see if she wanted to escape her brood for a few minutes and go with me, but she couldn't. This neighbor is one of Kitty's teachers at the private school so of course I told her that Kitty was home. Turns out my neighbor was going to have to substitute in another classroom tomorrow so Kitty's other teacher was going to be alone in a classroom of 10+ teenagers all on their first day back from 2 week Christmas break, all doing corrections from all the catch-up work, and my Kitty. I told her I would understand if she felt it was too much. My neighbor called the principal and they very politely agreed it would be best to wait until the following day.

So Kitty is coming to work with me tomorrow. I told her tonight (with an explanation of all that would be going on in the classroom). She wanted to stay with Grandma tomorrow, but that seems like a really bad idea. Plus, poor Grandma only got maybe one day off this whole Christmas break. We need to give the poor sainted woman a break.

Hopefully I will be able to arrange a therapy session with one of her therapists soon! Since she won't be in school tomorrow they might have available appointments during the day.

I apologize for the novels I've been writing lately (always?). I know they are full of run-on sentences and are probably confusing. Rest assured that I fully intend for this to be the last "verse" in this particular song. I hope you find that comforting! *grin*

I also never check my spelling and grammar which I know must frequently get annoying. Thank you for reading and commenting anyway. It really helps me to have a place to vent!

Hugs and prayers,
Mary

On the fourth day of New Year

On the fourth day of the New Year my daughter gave to me, four good things from therapy
three half-hearted "I love you"s
two five minute conversations,
and 7 hours of waiting blearily.

Kitty’s happy as a clam. No school catch-up work, no chores, fried food, white bread and noodles, frequent sugary treats, sodas, TV shows/channels she’s not allowed to watch at home, bedtime that’s 2-3 hours later than her normal time, ditto with morning wake up time, therapists who don’t know her issues so they can’t make her address them, no parents, no siblings, no Grandma, lots of crazy teenagers with whom to have superficial relationships...

Apparently this outweighs the few downsides. Bed as hard as rocks, a roommate who apparently isn’t interested in being friends, new BFFs who leave after a couple of days, girls who get into screaming fights that make your chest hurt and you can’t just walk away, and the “wrong kind” of hairbrush (provided by the hospital).

I on the other hand am a bit of a mess. Hubby is overwhelmed and I wasn’t even sure if he was going to get out of bed this morning. He was so out of it, he made me very nervous. I hate it when he doesn’t talk to me. It always makes me feel like it’s something I did. Of course it made me more sensitive and when he commented that I run away from stress it really upset me. I see it as not getting all worked up about something I can’t do anything about and focusing on the things I can change. Which means all the financial stuff falls entirely on his shoulders, because I have no idea what to do when we don’t have the money to pay for something (like payroll, taxes, insurance, getting the car fixed…).

When we got to the hospital I felt SOO nervous about the family therapy session. I’ve heard so many parents talking about how they get blamed for their child’s problems, plus I knew Kitty is probably acting totally normally (because of the lack of usual stresses). Luckily we were able to talk to the therapist individually before Kitty came in and were able to talk about what we are already doing. I was upfront about our expectations – if they can cure her, great! But all we really expect is a safe place for her to be while they muck with her meds. The therapist seemed to appreciate my realistic expectations.

For the remainder of the session we decided to focus on a “safety plan.” The therapist asked Kitty why she was at the hospital. Kitty said she needs to “get better.” We talked about how upset she gets when asked to do things and the therapist tried to get Kitty to list some things she could do besides escalate to a situation like what happened on New Year’s Day. Kitty said she could go outside and talk to the dogs (something that works well, and we often have her do when she needs a break). But sometimes that’s not an option, and when the therapist mentioned this, Kitty instantly dissociated and wanted to leave. This happens in therapy a lot, and in fact last time we were in AT my “homework” was to help Kitty realize how often she dissociates. So today, I pointed it out to Kitty and tried to help her come back to the discussion, but she couldn’t make it back.

She was feeling “criticized” because we were holding her accountable and it was too overwhelming for her. She has never been able to handle “criticism” well, although she’s getting better about recognizing her reaction to it and handling it. It used to be if someone walked in and said, “Who left the butter out?” she would instantly have a meltdown. Now most of the time she can handle that plus 2 or three directions to actually put the butter away, and wipe the butter off the counter, and wipe the butter off her face, and the handle of the door… I know, I know, it’s not really criticism, but that’s how it feels to her.

4 good things came from therapy.
1) I feel better about how I’m doing in handling Kitty in therapy. Even though I could see mistakes and areas where maybe I should have backed off a little, the therapist said we seem like really great parents.
2) Hubby got to sit in on a therapy session for the first time and see how they work.
3) One of Kitty’s recent complaints is that she doesn’t want to talk about her issues in front of me, which means she’s recently started claiming she’s forgotten everything about her past (I attend Attachment therapy with her – because it’s “attachment” therapy! Plus I attend EMDR therapy to make sure she actually stays on topic and works on her issues instead of dissociating and talking about random crap – the EMDR therapist doesn’t know her well). She drug this out again in therapy, and the family therapist said that as a teen she of course has issues she doesn’t want to talk about in front of Mom. *sigh* I don’t remember if it was she or Hubby that mentioned maybe having half a session be individual sometimes. Now THAT I can live with. I don’t want her to be able to triangulate us, but I do want her to have a chance to talk about things without me there (with a therapist I can trust to not allow her to throw her family under the bus).
4) Now the therapist has a little better idea about Kitty’s issues and has basically told us that we have the right goal for Kitty’s time in the hospital (stabilize meds, send her home).

Bad things about today.
I think Kitty’s issues with Hubby/men seem even more evident.
I talked to the nurse at the hospital and they are taking Kitty off the anti-depressant again, which is fine, but they are not making any other med changes and that’s what caused her to be there in the first place!
Hubby and I are still not in a great place with meeting each other’s emotional needs. Bob is still sick and apparently Bear is vomiting.
I spent 2 hours doing laundry in Kitty’s room (8 loads at least!) and I’m still not done.
I cleaned out the kid’s bathroom last night (found tons of empty shampoo, body wash, cleanser bottles; 4 empty caffeinated soda cans; a Tic Tac bottle half full of empty capsules from Bear’s Amantadine med – which he denies all knowledge of, and all the stuff I had pulled out to get rid of) – he put back because Grandma took them home while we were visiting Kitty and I hadn’t had a chance to get rid of it all yet.

On the Third Day of New Year

On the third day of the New Year my daughter gave to me, three half-hearted "I love yous"

two five minute conversations,

and 7 hours of waiting blearily.

So on the second day we saw Kitty for a few minutes after meeting the psychiatrist. During "visiting hours" she called and talked to me for a few minutes. She'd tried to call us earlier, but we'd gone out to dinner at one of her favorite restaurants. The nurse called about 20 minutes later to get my approval for a med change and put Kitty on. Kitty didn't really have any more to say so we only talked for a minute or two.

Yesterday we talked to her on the phone for a few minutes during morning visiting hours. Hubby and I both got an "I love you" at the end of the call. We told her we wouldn't be sure if the car would be fixed in time to visit her that night, but we would try.

We've been debating whether or not to tell her all the things we're doing now that she's not around. I admit on her second day we were feeling a little... angry, vindicitive, not quite the right words, but close.

Yesterday when we saw her it seemed pointless so we didn't keep it a secret, but when I mentioned we'd missed her call because we'd gone out to eat, I pointed out that she was absolutely loving all the deep fried foods, "white" bread (we only eat whole wheat noodles, bread etc. Which she constantly complains about), and of course tons of desserts (made with "real" sugar). I did mention that we've been allowing the kids to watch Harry Potter (Kitty cannot handle the violence and issues it brings up for her). I pointed out that I'm still not allowing Ponito to watch it (although more because he'd wanted to play outside instead).

Bob is under the weather so we laid around watching movies all day. Hubby got to walk a mile home after dropping off our only vehicle for repair, and took his bike for the mile ride when we went to pick it up again. I think Bear is a little stressed too and he laid around watching movies with us (not normal for him, but his therapist has asked him to try to spend more time with the family). We had neighbor children in and out of the home the whole day playing with Ponito. I did get the permission of their parents to watch Harry Potter 3 and be around Bob who has a virus (had taken her to the doctor on Friday - not strep thank goodness). Most of the kids only sat inside for a few minutes. It was gorgeous weather and a shame to be stuck indoors.

Kitty's visiting hours were from 5 to 7. We let the kids watch the end of the movie (till 5:30pm) and then asked them to quickly get their stuff so we could drop them off at Grandma's for the night, and be able to squeeze a visit in). Bear immediately went to the restroom - he's been known to spend 45 minutes in there. He has "issues" which he won't discuss and refuses to take treatment for unless they get extremely bad, but I also think he uses this as a controlling manipulation technique.

We got to the hospital at 6:30pm. During the visit Kitty was full of enthusiasm for all of her new friends and activities (coloring, walking outside, watching TV, talking). She is not depressed or stressed out (I know we're going to be questioned as to why she's even there. I'm used to that kind of thing by now). I did make a point to mention to her this was because she didn't have the stress of relationships and schoolwork to deal with, which she actually acknowledged (not that I think it changed anything). I am really dreading the family therapy today.

All the way to the hospital and back Hubby and I continued our debate about whether or not Bear or Kitty is RAD. Bear is the only one officially diagnosed with RAD. After he came out of residential treatment (almost a year ago to the day now!), he was much MUCH calmer and less angry. Treating his bipolar disorder effectively seems to have made a significant difference, and I no longer feel that he is actively fighting us and pushing us away. I do feel that he has made little to no progress in emotionally attaching to us.

I heard Data on Star Trek the New Generation explain it well once. Data admitted to "missing" the crew when he'd been away. Jordie asked how that could be since Data is an android with no feelings. Data said that people that he knew and interacted with on a regular basis wore a "groove" in his neural pathways that he missed when it wasn't there. Ok, that's a major paraphrase of something I heard years ago, but that's how I feel it is with Bear. He does not trust people and therefore he can never truely love/attach/ bond, but he no longer appears to assume we are "out to get him." I think he knows we have his best interest at heart. It doesn't hurt me that he doesn't love me. I know he was already 13 when we met him, and nothing could happen until he got the right treatment at age 14.5. He has matured a lot (developmentally) and I see his mental and emotional skills growing. I believe that Hubby mistakes this for attachment. Obviously I could be wrong and Bear may be attaching, as the mother figure, I could easily be the last to know.

As to Kitty, I feel that Kitty is anxiously attached and is not RAD. I feel that she was emotionally attached to biomom and others and that in some way this makes it even harder for her because she feels loyalty issues and guilt associated with caring for us. After 2 years of attachment therapy with her I do feel that she has bonded to me. I know she has major issues with men and of course this has caused her to not warm up to Hubby much at all (although I've seen some progress). He doesn't see the warmth she shows me and therefore I assume he thinks it's not there. Don't know why this is such a big debate for us. Her EMDR therapist who's known her since July has assumed she's RAD. I'll ask her attachment therapist the next time I see her.

Did I mention I hate to lose an argument? *grin*

On the second day of New Year

On the first day of the New Year my daughter gave to me, 7 hours ofwaiting blearily.

On the second day of the New Year my daughter gave to me, 5 minutes in her company.

Kitty has been having increasing difficulty with depression and anger. She has missed a lot of school due to "illnesses" and just plain unwillingness to work. We estimated that she lost 2-3 hours daily to her psychosomatic distress. We knew she was having a tough time. We were doing everything we could to help her, while still trying to keep her from falling even further behind (she's working on a 5th grade level and is in 7th grade). As it continued to worsen, we blamed a lot of it on med changes (trying to discontinue her anti-depressant because it is contraindicated with bipolar disorder) and of course the holidays (stressful for many).

Over the winter break she had been given quite a bit of catch-up work because we wanted her to have a complete semester when she started public school on the 20th (although she still doesn't know about public school being for sure). Her sister had some work too, although nowhere near as much. Bob figured out how many pages in the workbooks that each would have to do to be finished by the time school started back- with no work on weekends. Bob chose to take Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off and work on one weekend instead. Bob had 15 pages. Kitty had 25 (on a regular school day she does 35).

Kitty had been fighting the schoolwork battle daily. Somedays she would get her assigned pages done, others she would just guess all the answers, stop without finishing, lie about it, "lose" her books, or refuse to work at all. Usually I could sit with her while she worked and keep her focused or break it down into smaller sections with rewards. Of course there was no real way she will get all the work finished by the time school started, even working over the weekend, and she knew it. She insisted she just wanted to go to public school where she'd never have homework and this stuff wouldn't matter.

So on the day before New Years, she apparently lied to me about getting all her work done (I usually check thoroughly, but had seen her working so assumed she’d done it). New Year's day I let her play for an extra hour (it was a holiday and I slept in a little) and at 10:30am told her it was time to come in from the backyard and start on school work. She refused.

Eventually I did get Kitty to come inside. That’s when I discovered that she hadn’t really done all the work from yesterday. I told her her assignment for the day with a few pages added to make up for the missing work (still less than she had to do on a typical school day). She argued, threatened to run away, cussed at us, threatened to “go emo,” pushed a pencil point into her inner arm “to kill herself” (not hard enough to leave a mark), claimed she wouldn’t have to do schoolwork if she went to public school… and eventually stormed upstairs to “do her schoolwork.”

Hubby and I immediately decided that she really didn’t need to be left alone. If for no other reason then to demonstrate that we love her and will take action to keep her safe, from herself if necessary. I grabbed a book and sat on the floor of her room. I turned the light on as I entered the room, and refused to let her turn it off again. She’d added bedsheets to her curtain and taped it to the wall to block out light. She claimed she couldn’t read if the room were light. She did a tiny bit of work, and I ignored her as much as possible (if I answer her it riles her up even more so I try to only answer direct questions and keep my answers brief). Whenever she left the room, I followed her.

Within minutes she turned off the light again and refused to turn it back on (unlike her apparently, I can't read in the dark). Rather than struggle over the light, I attempted to open the curtain accidentally knocking it down. I left it off. Kitty went to the window (second floor) and unlocked it – I assume to threaten to open it and jump out. I re-locked the window, politely asked her to move, and sat in front of it. Several times she left the room to get stuff out of another room. I followed her every time.

Suddenly she said she needed to go to the bathroom and jumped up and ran out of the room. Luckily her brother was in the upstairs bathroom (there’s a razor or two and some cleaning supplies in there - I would have stopped her and cleaned it out before allowing her in). She went to a downstairs bathroom instead. There she promptly locked herself in, turned off the light, and sat in front of the door so I couldn’t open it. I was fine with this, because as long as she was sitting on the floor she couldn’t get into the cabinet over the toilet and try to find something to hurt herself with. I heard her moving around so started to unlock the door. She immediately moved back to grab the handle.

I just kept telling her that I loved her ("Kitty, you can't tell me how I feel anymore than I could tell you how to feel. You can't tell me that I don't love you, because these are my feelings and I do love you. I always will.") and that I wouldn't leave her. That I knew she was hurting, and I wished I could make it better. Then she decided to try to flood the room (and possibly drown herself according to what she told a nurse later). I began to remove the handle from the door (couldn’t remove the door because the hinges were on the inside). She continued to hold it shut until she realized what I was doing.

Kitty ran out of the bathroom and straight to the knife drawer in the kitchen. She picked up a large knife and held it threateningly over her inner forearm. Honestly I do not think she really would have cut herself (she could easily have done it in seconds). Hubby and I struggled with her to take the knife away and she did threaten to hurt us with it. Hubby ended up holding her in a basket hold. She started struggling even more. Poor Bear was in the kitchen at the time, and it really freaked him out, he left the room quickly. He stayed calm and helped me find my cell phone so I could call the psychiatrist (it had been lost in the couch cushions which is where I searched only to find that someone had actually placed it on it's charger - how was I supposed to find it there?!). He then went outside with Ponito, Bob, (Grandma who’d we called in for reinforcements) and the neighbor kids that I had shooed out the door.

The psychiatrist recommended checking her in at the mental hospital. I called 911 because Kitty was too upset to be safe in our car. When the (luckily female) police officer arrived Kitty was still in a restraint - unable to calm. She politely answered the officer's questions, but occasionally still struggled and tried to bite and scratch Hubby. The CIT person arrived per our request. Kitty calmed down enough not to need handcuffs and walked by herself to the transport vehicle.

We talked in the car. She is afraid this means she is turning into Bear (with his long history of anger and hospitalizations). I assured her she is not like her brother in that way and she seemed to believe me and be comforted. She was calm on the ride to hospital and calm during the entire 7 HOUR intake! I was worried that they would send her home and think we were psycho parents, but at one point the social worker asked her some questions when we weren’t in the room and apparently triggered Kitty a little. Kitty talked about her obsession with black and dark, hating and hurting her sister (although she hasn't physically hurt Bob in almost 2 years she always talks about this as though it were last week), issues at school, and who knows what else.

While talking to the doctor, she rested her feet across my legs as she often does (deliberately even less gently then usual of course). I tried to rest my hand on her ankle, which she sometimes allows, but that day she wouldn't let me touch her.

Kitty was more upset about the cats not being able to come and not being able to wear her tennis shoes then anything else. She was upset that I was taking her shoes home and even peeked into the bag they were in for a final goodbye. She walked away from me without looking back. When the nurse took us back to the room where Hubby was and told her to say goodbye, Hubby tried to hug her and was pushed stiffly away. He pulled her in for a hug anyway and told her there was no way she was not getting a hug. She then walked up to me, and I opened my arms for the hug she seemed to be positioning for, but she straight armed me away too. I didn’t have to struggle as hard as poor Hubby to hug her, but it was like hugging a mannequin. Again she walked away without looking back.

On the second day of New Year my daughter gave to me, 5 minutes in her company.
So today we met with Kitty's new psychiatrist at the hospital. We only had to wait less than 30 minutes! They are completely stopping her anti-depressent (they’ve already put her at 25mg and will stop it completely in 4 days). They are planning on increasing some of her other meds, and possibly adding Lithium. They are talking about increasing her Concerta to deal with the ADHD better – which they think might be more the issue than the bipolar, or switching her to something else. They mentioned Vyvanse which is the med that caused Bear to completely lose it after one dose (severe body tics, out of control behavior and movements, vomiting, dizziness…). Of course everyone is different. They did “fuss” at us for not administering her Geodon with food (she’s been on this since day 1 with us and no one ever said anything about that!). They also divided it into a morning and evening dose.

The psychiatrist walked out during our 15 minute meeting to talk to the psychiatrist. His assistant (?) stayed and asked us a few more questions. Nowhere in the paperwork did it ask anything about Kitty's history (except had she ever been in a mental hospital before – yes, twice). I brought in a piece of paper with her diagnoses, a tiny bit of her history (placement and adoption dates mostly) and what meds she was taking. I had a hard time getting anyone to even take it (although they were interested in the meds).

Kitty appears perfectly happy at the hospital. She got to stay up until 10pm (her usual bedtime is 8:30pm). She would have gotten to sleep in until 8am, but they woke her up at 6:45 to draw some blood. We were allowed some time with her after meeting with the psychiatrist. She asked about what clothes we had brought her, was surprised when I mentioned Bob missed her, talked a little about the kids she’s met on the unit and her roommate ("she’s 14 and really cool. She’s adopted too and likes animals" – just like Kitty does! I’m so glad Kitty’s making friends. Feel free to pause in your reading now and wipe the sarcasm drips off the monitor.)
Of course no one there will insist Kitty do her schoolwork, and the school district where the hospital is doesn’t start back to school until Tuesday (they are supposed to have schoolwork brought in and of course I brought Kitty's in today, along with her extra clothes). So Kitty wins.
Kitty spent less than 5 minutes with us, then stood up to go back to group (no prompts from us or staff, she was just done). She did give me a hug, and a one armed hug to Hubby before she opened the door and walked out - without looking back.

Hubby is convinced that Kitty is the one with RAD, not Bear. I think he’s wrong, but it’s still tough seeing her care more about a pair of shoes then us.

Sunday we have family therapy – I hope they don’t try to blame all this on poor parenting skills (at least not on ours). We’ve been holding up pretty well. It helps that I have a friend who’s daughter has been placed in in this same hospital's children and adolescent ward 10-12 times (all her kids are emotionally disturbed).

It's been a long year!

How I spent New Year's Day

an essay by MTM


I really hope this isn't how my whole year will go! I swear I pigged out on Black Eyed Peas on New Year's Eve! Will finish the rest today in case I had the tradition incorrect.

As of this afternoon we had to take Kitty to the mental health hospital. My first time ever to do this! It's good to try new things, right?! They're not sure how long she'll stay, but the average stay is 4-7 days. Admissions took 7 hours!!!! That's right 7 freakin' hours! A little bit of paperwork interspersed with mind-numbing hours of sitting in an office chair staring at blank walls (no pictures, no magazines, no nothing).

No one ever warned us how long the wait would be. It's a locked floor so you can't leave without permission (Kitty probably couldn't leave at all) and I would never leave my daughter alone, particularly since there were (scary) adults waiting to be admitted. After an hour and a half (about 1:30pm) I finally begged for some food for my daughter and I. 30 minutes later ONE tepid meal was brought to us (after sitting on the front desk 15 minutes). Luckily for me, Kitty wasn't very hungry so I got a little food (dry cornbread, canned green beans, and chicken parmesan - which wasn't bad, but difficult to eat with a plastic spork).

The one day, poor Grandma got off, and we ended up having to call her to watch the kids. Poor Bob was under the weather and watched TV all day. Bear was stuck explaining to all the neighbor kids why there was a cop car in front of our house and Kitty and Mom were getting into the car with bars on windows. Hubby had to stay and get cleaned up (got a little sweaty restraining Kitty), he stopped for fast food and then drove to the hospital to join us.

While I'm stuffing my face, of course Hubby and the intake nurse show up (can't spread out the activities to alleviate the monotony *sarcastic eye roll*). When the nurse was done (about 5 minutes) she told us we'd see the social worker next, and oh by the way we could wait in the lounge around the corner which has a TV! NOW she tells us!

5 minutes after we sat down to watch Disney channel a man (obviously soon to be a patient), walks in and asks to sit where I'm sitting (on a love seat with Hubby, in front of the TV). Kitty was in a chair next to me. Not going to argue with Mark (he introduced himself and told us what year he was born in), so I said sure and hopped up and moved to a chair on the other side of Kitty (no eye contact, no eye contact, no eye contact). Hubby moved too. Then the man sticks his hand out to Kitty for the remote! She meekly hands it over to him (Bear has her well-trained). He changes the channel to football (wasn't even the Husker game Hubby wanted to watch). Mark starts talking about how the team wears green. Peter Pan wears green. Peter Pan died last year...

We left the lounge. We went back to another intake room ("ours" was now occupied) with 4 chairs and a desk and nothing on the walls. Really, it's a good thing my dd had already calmed down as we were leaving the house with the police officer and crisis intervention guy. I don't know how my poor ADHD daughter stood all this. After we'd been there 3 hours I went to the desk to find out what was taking so long. That's when I was informed that the process normally takes 4-6 hours!! Wish I'd known that at the beginning! I might have had Kitty throw herself on the floor or throw chairs or something to see if we could get a faster intake!

The social worker overheard me ask and possibly took pity on me. Told me we were next anyway and that she would come in to talk to us as soon as she finished something. Only 20 minutes later she came in! She interviewed Kitty, and then Hubby and I with Kitty present. By this point Kitty is still totally mellow and I'm waiting for them to say go home. Luckily the social worker apparently riled up Kitty a little during the private interview - so even though she said she's not the doctor of course, but she thought Kitty would be admitted.

Another 45 minutes or so later the doctor came in. More questions. At least he did appear to have reviewed the answers already submitted so he didn't ask anything stupid or inappropriate. He did have a tough time with some of his questions though. *grin* He asked Kitty if she'd ever heard the saying, "Don't Cry Over Spilled Milk." She said "No." He asked her a couple of other really common sayings - she'd never heard of them either and then finally he asked her if she'd heard "The Grass is Always Greener on the Other Side." That one she'd heard of! But she still couldn't tell him what it meant. One of the first things he said was, I'm going to say three things, and I'm going to ask you to repeat them back to me now, and later. "Brown, shirt, honesty." Kitty could repeat them immediately, but later couldn't remember them. She finally got brown and shirt - with some hints, but couldn't remember honesty (hmm?!).

The doctor then informed us Kitty would be admitted, and we would be given the admission paperwork soon. We checked, and Mad Mark had finally left the lounge so we settled in to watch TV. Less than 5 minutes later (of course) they called us to the front desk for paperwork. They also served (only) Kitty a dinner at the same time (again, so as not to spread out the activities and relieve the monotony). We filled out paperwork (and Kitty ate) while standing at the front desk. Then they escorted us to Kitty's new temporary home... well, another waiting room in the lobby area of her new home.

We waited awhile, then filled out more paperwork. They handed Kitty a packet of questionnaires and a form for an autobiography. At that point she was so bored she actually filled out the questionnaire, but the writing... well I hope they don't hold their breath. Part of what triggered this whole episode today was that she didn't want to do her school catch-up work.

More waiting. More paperwork. Finally a tour of the facility (day room, quiet room, nurse's station, locked bedrooms). Kitty will be sharing a room with another teenage girl (we don't know how old she is, only that legally she can't be more than 2 years older, and younger than Kitty means she'd be in the children's rooms, so the girl must be 13, 14, or 15). We didn't meet the kids. They were all watching TV in the day room.

Then peeing in a cup (no supervision thank goodness), and a skin check. There were only 2 people on duty so I had to be present during this so the other staff could man the front desk. Luckily Kitty is not very shy. The nurse noted the 2 miniscule scratches on her arm that Kitty probably accidentally inflicted on herself when trying to claw Hubby during the restraint. The missing toenail (from when Kitty dropped a pool ladder on her toe several weeks ago while climbing up to get a second story screen that had fallen into a tree from Bear's window). Some old scapes.

Then the nurse said to tell her parents goodbye and join the other kids in the day room.
Kitty of course had been refusing to allow us to touch her all day. Hubby forced a hug on her. She walked up to me, and I reached for her, but she put her hands up between us. I pulled her in for a hug anyway. My sweet stubborn baby! It's like hugging a plastic porcupine Ninja that doesn't want to be hugged (how's that for a visual?!)

Felt weird to be leaving her there, but she walked off without looking back. I know she'll be fine. She makes friends quickly and easily, and she won't be there long enough for the honeymoon to wear off. I don't know what to expect from this. Mostly mucking with her meds, but better there than here. Tomorrow we meet her new psychiatrist and will bring her some clothes and books and things. Not much since there are a LOT of contraband items. She couldn't keep her shoes because of the laces. Did I mention that she told her shoes goodbye and seemed more upset to be losing them then us leaving?! And she is NOT my RAD child.

*sigh* Let's hope this is the worst thing that happens this year! Maybe she'll even be released on Bear's one year anniversary of his release from residential treatment. One more anniversary to celebrate!

Better go write a letter to biomom telling her Bear has decided he wants to see her after all.