As the smell of poo that won't flush (despite snaking) wafts through the room, and I try to decide whether or not the tampons in the box that were under some dirty, wet cleaning rags stuffed in a bathroom cabinet are still useable because I just started, I listen to the whining, uh huh huh huh sounds (is that sobs, whining, moaning? What would that sound be called?) and thuds as Kitty continually complains that her room floor is clean(she's the only one that thinks so), well as clean as it ever gets, well she'll do it later, I hate her, no one else has to do all these chores on Saturday (that's true because I spread her chores out more than everyone elses because she can't handle them all on one day), she wants to leave to go shopping, her floor is clean enough, I'm too picky, that's her "shoe corner," she can't get the rest of her stuff under her bed because the last time she tried she got stuck under there...
This has been going on for hours and I don't know why. At first we thought it was because she hadn't taken her morning meds which I didn't discover until about 11. Tried waiting 20-30 minutes before dealing again with the fact that she hadn't done her chores, but she wouldn't let it go. It's 2pm and she's still melting down. *sigh*
Showing posts with label meltdown. Show all posts
Showing posts with label meltdown. Show all posts
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
Kitty Meltdown
Kitty has been doing much better since residential treatment a couple of months ago. We feel that some of this must be the med changes, and some that I am getting really good at providing external regulation for her. Still it's been really nice.
A couple of weeks ago, Kitty was doing so well that I decided to go back to work. At therapy after the second day, she was back to her old self. Hating Ponito and Grandma. I immediately went back to being her after school care.
Last week she was sick with the flu. One day after she was better, I asked her to do a load of dishes (her absolute least favorite chore). She instantly refused and appeared to have dropped immediately into fight flight or freeze. She, and to some extent Bob, immediately began listing all the reasons why it should be Ponito's job. Some of what they said was valid. Some of it was I needed the dishes done and knew I could get Ponito to do it with less fuss. I let her go.
At therapy on Tuesday, we discussed this with Kitty's AT (attachment therapist). The AT would never criticize me in front of Kitty, but she did seem to be pointing out that I was not holding Kitty accountable after she recovered from her meltdown. Usually we are consistent and if we ask the kids to do something then having a fit only delays the inevitable.
So I was a little more aware. Today I asked her to do a chore that wasn't on her list for today (kitty litter - her 2nd least favorite chore). Kitty immediately dropped into fight, flight or freeze (again she chose fight). She forcefully told me he** no and there was no way in he** I could ever make her do her brother's chore (she admitted that while they are supposed to alternate days, she hasn't done it since last Thursday, while he did it on Monday). Although I told her we'd talk more about it when she was calm again ("I AM CALM"), it went down hill fast.
At first I spoke to her in a calm voice, and tried to breathe loudly (slowly and deeply) to see if I could help her regulate (wish I had a Darth Vader mask!). Talking to her just escalated her though. So I tried staying near her, but not interacting (she chose to sit in a chair in the middle of the living room of course). This apparently made her feel rejected. She told me I loved the biokids more than her, she said no one cared about her, that she would kill herself, she would kill me, that she was never going to be part of the family....
Finally she got up and ran upstairs. By now she had made threats to herself so, as she knew I would, I followed her (when you threaten yourself or others the "4 Foot Rule" instantly goes into place meaning an adult must be within 4 feet of you at all times). She ran in her room and shut the door and sat in front of it. If she'd gone into the room I would have followed her in, but assumed that she couldn't hurt herself if she was sitting on the floor in front of the door. So I sat outside the door.
Here's where the parental guilt comes in. I thought this was about witnessing her little brother have a fit, being asked to do a chore, or the fact that she had an asthma attack without having her inhaler there so I sent our male neighbor (his wife wasn't home) to bring it to her.
Turns out that there was a communication error and Hubby had called the school to have her waiting for me when I got there to take her to a gastrointerologist appointment. I had a brain fart and had already missed the appointment (I thought it was at 2:45 but it was at 2:15). The doctor called me and rescheduled for another day. I thought I was the one who was going to be telling the school to have her ready so I just drove on and stopped worrying about it. Poor Kitty sat in the office for an hour.
As soon as I realized what she was talking about I reassured her that it was a misunderstanding. That I'd had no idea she was sitting in the office.
..... and then it was over.
She came out of her room and gave me a hug. Walked downstairs and all was forgotten.
OK, not all. She still refused to do the kitty litter, but by then her brother, who was actually assigned the chore, had already gone to do it. So she still didn't end up doing the chore.
After therapy on Tuesday we'd talked about several things that were upsetting Kitty. One of these was clothes. She wants to go to a store in the mall called Hot Topic to buy her clothes. She feels her sister is allowed to wear more revealing clothing. We talked about how everyone in the family, including me, buy our clothes at thrift stores. That I let the kids pick what they want to wear instead of say making them wear their uniforms from the private school which were still perfectly functional. I do understand wanting to look like their friends. I did mention that sometimes what she chooses is not flattering, but that's hard to tell when she can only see the front.
We also talked about the fact that her younger siblings are occasionally allowed to stay home alone, but she's not. I mentioned that her older brother isn't either, and she admitted that was because he lies, steals and would probably have a party. I admit I had a tough time with this one because I know she is emotionally only 5 years old (and I would never leave a 5 year old home alone), but she doesn't get that. She doesn't lie, steal or really do anything truly inappropriate. I never leave the kids home together so that wouldn't be an issue. I left it at, she's not ready to be responsible for things going wrong. She of course didn't like this answer.
Now I think I can talk more about if she wants extra privileges she has to accept extra responsibilities - including occasionally doing extra chores. Right now she has almost half the chores of the other kids. Ironically, Ponito happily helped with dinner while I sat and talked to Kitty. I doubt Kitty even noticed that he didn't complain once while he did things that are most definitely not his chore. Oh well, she'll get there someday.
ALL of the children are saying, "No one else does their chores so I'm not going to." How many times can you say, "We're talking about you, not your siblings" and "If you don't do your chores because no one else does, and they don't do their chores because you don't... NO ONE is doing their chores!" *sigh*
A couple of weeks ago, Kitty was doing so well that I decided to go back to work. At therapy after the second day, she was back to her old self. Hating Ponito and Grandma. I immediately went back to being her after school care.
Last week she was sick with the flu. One day after she was better, I asked her to do a load of dishes (her absolute least favorite chore). She instantly refused and appeared to have dropped immediately into fight flight or freeze. She, and to some extent Bob, immediately began listing all the reasons why it should be Ponito's job. Some of what they said was valid. Some of it was I needed the dishes done and knew I could get Ponito to do it with less fuss. I let her go.
At therapy on Tuesday, we discussed this with Kitty's AT (attachment therapist). The AT would never criticize me in front of Kitty, but she did seem to be pointing out that I was not holding Kitty accountable after she recovered from her meltdown. Usually we are consistent and if we ask the kids to do something then having a fit only delays the inevitable.
So I was a little more aware. Today I asked her to do a chore that wasn't on her list for today (kitty litter - her 2nd least favorite chore). Kitty immediately dropped into fight, flight or freeze (again she chose fight). She forcefully told me he** no and there was no way in he** I could ever make her do her brother's chore (she admitted that while they are supposed to alternate days, she hasn't done it since last Thursday, while he did it on Monday). Although I told her we'd talk more about it when she was calm again ("I AM CALM"), it went down hill fast.
At first I spoke to her in a calm voice, and tried to breathe loudly (slowly and deeply) to see if I could help her regulate (wish I had a Darth Vader mask!). Talking to her just escalated her though. So I tried staying near her, but not interacting (she chose to sit in a chair in the middle of the living room of course). This apparently made her feel rejected. She told me I loved the biokids more than her, she said no one cared about her, that she would kill herself, she would kill me, that she was never going to be part of the family....
Finally she got up and ran upstairs. By now she had made threats to herself so, as she knew I would, I followed her (when you threaten yourself or others the "4 Foot Rule" instantly goes into place meaning an adult must be within 4 feet of you at all times). She ran in her room and shut the door and sat in front of it. If she'd gone into the room I would have followed her in, but assumed that she couldn't hurt herself if she was sitting on the floor in front of the door. So I sat outside the door.
Here's where the parental guilt comes in. I thought this was about witnessing her little brother have a fit, being asked to do a chore, or the fact that she had an asthma attack without having her inhaler there so I sent our male neighbor (his wife wasn't home) to bring it to her.
Turns out that there was a communication error and Hubby had called the school to have her waiting for me when I got there to take her to a gastrointerologist appointment. I had a brain fart and had already missed the appointment (I thought it was at 2:45 but it was at 2:15). The doctor called me and rescheduled for another day. I thought I was the one who was going to be telling the school to have her ready so I just drove on and stopped worrying about it. Poor Kitty sat in the office for an hour.
As soon as I realized what she was talking about I reassured her that it was a misunderstanding. That I'd had no idea she was sitting in the office.
..... and then it was over.
She came out of her room and gave me a hug. Walked downstairs and all was forgotten.
OK, not all. She still refused to do the kitty litter, but by then her brother, who was actually assigned the chore, had already gone to do it. So she still didn't end up doing the chore.
After therapy on Tuesday we'd talked about several things that were upsetting Kitty. One of these was clothes. She wants to go to a store in the mall called Hot Topic to buy her clothes. She feels her sister is allowed to wear more revealing clothing. We talked about how everyone in the family, including me, buy our clothes at thrift stores. That I let the kids pick what they want to wear instead of say making them wear their uniforms from the private school which were still perfectly functional. I do understand wanting to look like their friends. I did mention that sometimes what she chooses is not flattering, but that's hard to tell when she can only see the front.
We also talked about the fact that her younger siblings are occasionally allowed to stay home alone, but she's not. I mentioned that her older brother isn't either, and she admitted that was because he lies, steals and would probably have a party. I admit I had a tough time with this one because I know she is emotionally only 5 years old (and I would never leave a 5 year old home alone), but she doesn't get that. She doesn't lie, steal or really do anything truly inappropriate. I never leave the kids home together so that wouldn't be an issue. I left it at, she's not ready to be responsible for things going wrong. She of course didn't like this answer.
Now I think I can talk more about if she wants extra privileges she has to accept extra responsibilities - including occasionally doing extra chores. Right now she has almost half the chores of the other kids. Ironically, Ponito happily helped with dinner while I sat and talked to Kitty. I doubt Kitty even noticed that he didn't complain once while he did things that are most definitely not his chore. Oh well, she'll get there someday.
ALL of the children are saying, "No one else does their chores so I'm not going to." How many times can you say, "We're talking about you, not your siblings" and "If you don't do your chores because no one else does, and they don't do their chores because you don't... NO ONE is doing their chores!" *sigh*
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
What is a rage?
When I had rages as a child (epileptic seizures). I would curse (words Mom didn’t even know I knew), fight my mother, and scream for hours. This started when I was an infant. I would scream for hours until I fell asleep, soaked with sweat and exhausted. I had a cousin who was the same way, they would put her in a cold shower to shock her out of it.
I finally out grew these with the onset of puberty. They were total blackouts for me. One of the last ones I had I remember “waking up” sitting on my mother’s lap (facing her) she was sitting on the closed toilet seat holding me. She pointed out my hand was bleeding. I have no idea how I’d gotten from sitting on the living room floor watching the Hulk (ironic, huh?!) to the bathroom. I still have the scar on my finger. From the blood we guess I’d hit it on the doorjam.
When we got our son at age 13 he was undiagnosed with bipolar, experiencing PTSD night terrors, and undiagnosed RAD. His rages were scary. He held everything in until something relatively small (like being told No), and he would explode like a volcano. He threw chairs (big upholstered chairs), put fists and objects through walls, yelled and cussed and would start swinging wildly if he felt you were getting in his face. He NEVER hit me or any of his younger siblings, but threw things without really caring if they hit me a couple of times, and certainly there was a lot of intimidation and verbal abuse. He is a big kid (5’9” and 200+lbs) so even though he wasn’t very coordinated his wild swinging was almost more than my husband could handle without hurting him.
Our daughter’s rages have changed over the years. They started like her brother’s, kicking holes in the walls, threatening to kill herself and run away, yelling that she hates me and wants to go home (to Nebraska), and physically attacking members of the family. When she’s in “fight, flight or freeze mode” she is acting in a purely instinctual way and will hit, kick, bite, spit… indiscriminately until she calms down enough for her brain to start “thinking” again. If she is able to hurt herself or whoever is trying to protect her - we have had to hold her until she calms down.
When we got our son at age 13 he was undiagnosed with bipolar, experiencing PTSD night terrors, and undiagnosed RAD. His rages were scary. He held everything in until something relatively small (like being told No), and he would explode like a volcano. He threw chairs (big upholstered chairs), put fists and objects through walls, yelled and cussed and would start swinging wildly if he felt you were getting in his face. He NEVER hit me or any of his younger siblings, but threw things without really caring if they hit me a couple of times, and certainly there was a lot of intimidation and verbal abuse. He is a big kid (5’9” and 200+lbs) so even though he wasn’t very coordinated his wild swinging was almost more than my husband could handle without hurting him.
Our daughter’s rages have changed over the years. They started like her brother’s, kicking holes in the walls, threatening to kill herself and run away, yelling that she hates me and wants to go home (to Nebraska), and physically attacking members of the family. When she’s in “fight, flight or freeze mode” she is acting in a purely instinctual way and will hit, kick, bite, spit… indiscriminately until she calms down enough for her brain to start “thinking” again. If she is able to hurt herself or whoever is trying to protect her - we have had to hold her until she calms down.
It's hard to see in these pictures, but here's an open mouth bite mark from one of these holds. It's hard to see, but the oval bruise wraps around my forearm. I've been trained how to do a physical restraint while I was a social worker and more recently as a foster parent. The foster parent training was a joke and unlikely to have helped us stay safe or keep our child safe. Even with the experience I still often get bruises like these, although Kitty has never gotten a single mark.
Now she has what we call “meltdowns.” Not true rages. She has some control over how far she goes. She still goes into fight, flight, or freeze mode easily, but the actual physical aggression has changed to mostly verbal threats, although she's not above kicking cabinets and biting me. We can usually reach her and calm her down fairly quickly, if not actually de-escalate her, before she “melts.”
Got a call this evening. Kitty goes to residential treatment tomorrow afternoon.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Next steps
Things couldn't go on as they were so I've decided to make some changes
Something had to go so I thought long and hard and Hubby and I decided the biggest drain on my time is the new website I was helping with. I've been spending hours researching and working on the content, and was up until all hours chatting with the site owner or stressing out about an incident that happened on the site, how to help the few people asking me for advice, and how to make the site better.
I felt bad, but I let the owner of the site know I just couldn't help anymore. I haven't heard back from him, so I'm assuming he's not happy.
Now all I have to do is figure out what else I can do since I only started helping with the site recently and I was already close to overwhelm before.
I think the biggest step is to really start pushing to get Kitty in residential treatment already! I can't do anything until I am no longer attached at the hip to her. Nebraska should have all the paperwork finally. Will call on Monday.
Kitty had another meltdown today that emphasized just how much time and energy we have been devoting to keeping her calm and regulated. Bear brought me a book that Kitty had got at the library. Kitty is not allowed to read anything that has sex, blood and gore, or violence - she just can't handle it. This vampire book said on the back that it was a bloody gothic horror with a love theme... needless to say I took the book. For once she even threatened to kill Bear! (usually she is so afraid of Bear she would never even dream of threatening or blaming him)
I have no idea what it means but almost immediately after her meltdown (which Hubby handled), it was all forgotten! She spent about 20 minutes on the swing, and then came in, gave me a hug as she walked by and never mentioned it again. I don't know if it was because she knew getting the book was wrong or if she just dissociated from it completely. Immediately after it happened, Hubby warned me that I needed to be careful because he believed her when she threatened me.
Something had to go so I thought long and hard and Hubby and I decided the biggest drain on my time is the new website I was helping with. I've been spending hours researching and working on the content, and was up until all hours chatting with the site owner or stressing out about an incident that happened on the site, how to help the few people asking me for advice, and how to make the site better.
I felt bad, but I let the owner of the site know I just couldn't help anymore. I haven't heard back from him, so I'm assuming he's not happy.
Now all I have to do is figure out what else I can do since I only started helping with the site recently and I was already close to overwhelm before.
I think the biggest step is to really start pushing to get Kitty in residential treatment already! I can't do anything until I am no longer attached at the hip to her. Nebraska should have all the paperwork finally. Will call on Monday.
Kitty had another meltdown today that emphasized just how much time and energy we have been devoting to keeping her calm and regulated. Bear brought me a book that Kitty had got at the library. Kitty is not allowed to read anything that has sex, blood and gore, or violence - she just can't handle it. This vampire book said on the back that it was a bloody gothic horror with a love theme... needless to say I took the book. For once she even threatened to kill Bear! (usually she is so afraid of Bear she would never even dream of threatening or blaming him)
I have no idea what it means but almost immediately after her meltdown (which Hubby handled), it was all forgotten! She spent about 20 minutes on the swing, and then came in, gave me a hug as she walked by and never mentioned it again. I don't know if it was because she knew getting the book was wrong or if she just dissociated from it completely. Immediately after it happened, Hubby warned me that I needed to be careful because he believed her when she threatened me.
Friday, July 24, 2009
RAD boy
You asked what Bear did to get in trouble.
So far we’ve discovered that:
Bear’s lied about where he’s been for the past week and a half (or more). He’s missed at least 3 out of the 5 days of Summer school so far and we have no idea where he really was (he's admitted to wandering the school when he was unable to get off the bus without getting caught, working out at the rec center, and spending time with his girlfriend).
His girlfriend and friends have lied to us about where he was.
He’s started using tobacco again. Although he swears it's not his.
He’s hoarding food again. Wouldn't bug me so much if he didn't keep every single dish in his room (full of rotten rinds and things), leaving the rest of the family with no dishes. Plus according to the amount of candy wrappers I found he must be so high on sugar it's no wonder he can't sleep.
He is not regularly taking his sleeping medications, and probably not taking others. He admitted that when he doesn't think he needs them he just doesn't take his sleeping meds. Of course he firmly believes that it's normal to only sleep 4-5 hours a night. It's "my fault" he doesn't take his mid-day meds, because I forget to fill his box (mid-days are the one type of meds we let the kids take with minimal supervision - someday he's going to have to remember to take meds on his own.
He’s stealing electronic equipment from elsewhere in the house and using it to watch and listen to movies and music that are inappropriate. Not sure where all the CDs and DVDs are coming from. His little brother is happy to have his MP3 back.
He’s staying up till all hours. I’ve found evidence that he probably has a trac phone again so he’s most likely back in contact with bioparents, and texting until all hours of the night. This could explain some of the recent behaviors.
FYI, he never confessed to anything and denied most of it. The rest was OUR fault. This is not everything, just the stuff I can prove.
Right now he is defensive and angry. He's mad that he's in trouble and therefore mad at us/me.
After an hour long diatribe about how fast our heads are going to spin when he turns 18 and blows this popsicle stand, and how we're crazy if we think we can keep him locked inside all the time. (I pointed out that between school and swimming, he'd been out of the house most of the day, and I wasn't keeping him from going out, just not without supervision).
I told him he'd only been grounded for 2 days so far, and he knew this was coming. There was no way he wasn't going to get caught. He grumped, loudly, for about an hour - then Hubby came home and he shut down.
Within an hour he was watching the movie he'd chosen (so much for hating TV), I had doctored his hand from where a kid at school had somehow managed to get pencil lead stuck in it, let him talk to his Nebraska Grandma on the phone, talked to him about college and possibly being a police officer, he got to choose what we were having for dinner, and I gave him a haircut (his request).
But we're horrible parents who love the other kids more than him and want him to be miserable.
So which is the real story? He's miserable and we don't care about him or he's totally fine?! *sigh*
So far we’ve discovered that:
Bear’s lied about where he’s been for the past week and a half (or more). He’s missed at least 3 out of the 5 days of Summer school so far and we have no idea where he really was (he's admitted to wandering the school when he was unable to get off the bus without getting caught, working out at the rec center, and spending time with his girlfriend).
His girlfriend and friends have lied to us about where he was.
He’s started using tobacco again. Although he swears it's not his.
He’s hoarding food again. Wouldn't bug me so much if he didn't keep every single dish in his room (full of rotten rinds and things), leaving the rest of the family with no dishes. Plus according to the amount of candy wrappers I found he must be so high on sugar it's no wonder he can't sleep.
He is not regularly taking his sleeping medications, and probably not taking others. He admitted that when he doesn't think he needs them he just doesn't take his sleeping meds. Of course he firmly believes that it's normal to only sleep 4-5 hours a night. It's "my fault" he doesn't take his mid-day meds, because I forget to fill his box (mid-days are the one type of meds we let the kids take with minimal supervision - someday he's going to have to remember to take meds on his own.
He’s stealing electronic equipment from elsewhere in the house and using it to watch and listen to movies and music that are inappropriate. Not sure where all the CDs and DVDs are coming from. His little brother is happy to have his MP3 back.
He’s staying up till all hours. I’ve found evidence that he probably has a trac phone again so he’s most likely back in contact with bioparents, and texting until all hours of the night. This could explain some of the recent behaviors.
FYI, he never confessed to anything and denied most of it. The rest was OUR fault. This is not everything, just the stuff I can prove.
Right now he is defensive and angry. He's mad that he's in trouble and therefore mad at us/me.
After an hour long diatribe about how fast our heads are going to spin when he turns 18 and blows this popsicle stand, and how we're crazy if we think we can keep him locked inside all the time. (I pointed out that between school and swimming, he'd been out of the house most of the day, and I wasn't keeping him from going out, just not without supervision).
I told him he'd only been grounded for 2 days so far, and he knew this was coming. There was no way he wasn't going to get caught. He grumped, loudly, for about an hour - then Hubby came home and he shut down.
Within an hour he was watching the movie he'd chosen (so much for hating TV), I had doctored his hand from where a kid at school had somehow managed to get pencil lead stuck in it, let him talk to his Nebraska Grandma on the phone, talked to him about college and possibly being a police officer, he got to choose what we were having for dinner, and I gave him a haircut (his request).
But we're horrible parents who love the other kids more than him and want him to be miserable.
So which is the real story? He's miserable and we don't care about him or he's totally fine?! *sigh*
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Breakthrough?
We were hoping that now that Kitty has friends at the new "school" that the meltdowns at home would decrease, but no such luck.
Got a call from the PDH's psychiatrist. She's been out of town for the last week and now the insurance company is pressuring her to make med changes (since obviously that's all that's wrong with Kitty. *sarcasm drip*). So she called me and started suggesting new meds?! I asked her if she'd discussed these with Kitty's psychiatrist (who Kitty can't see while she's in the PDH program, but has a lot more info about Kitty's past then I do and she has been in his care for over 2 years). Nope. She hadn't contacted him about Kitty at all. I mentioned that the psychiatric hospital had planned to change her meds until they discussed it with our psychiatrist, and changed their mind. I was fine with any changes she wanted to make - as long as she had discussed it with our psychiatrist first.
She'd said she'd call him that day (Bear had an appointment that evening so we knew she hadn't called), but she apparently did finally make the call this morning. We're going to be changing a lot of meds for Kitty. Wellbutrin for the depression (not supposed to make bipolar kids manic and decreases appetite so we might get rid of those extra 50lbs Kitty has put on since this Summer). She'll start that tomorrow morning. Early next week she'll start on Lithium for the bipolar and once that's in place we can start decreasing the extremely high dose of Trileptal Kitty is on - assuming it works of course. Then Adderall in place of the Concerta. Who knows?! Maybe this will help?!
We're still questioning whether or not the PDH is the right placement for Kitty. She is getting so much more aggravated during the day (stress is higher at this school because of the type of kids she comes into contact with), that she is coming home and taking it out on the family - much worse then when she was in public school. She is having a LOT more meltdowns at home. She has also started cussing a lot more (and not "naughty" words, but real cussing). Some of it could be the schedule change. Instead of leaving the house at 8am for school, she has to leave at 6:30am. That's a LOT less sleep, and with the added stress, she's probably not sleeping as well either.
She is often justifying her behavior with "I have issues" and "that's just the way I am." That does NOT make it acceptable behavior, but I'm not totally sure how to address it either.
Because of her PTSD (which is not really treatable by medication) once she is triggered into "Fight, Flight or Freeze" mode she is no longer rational and is reacting purely on instinct. If she were a small child and behaving like this (typical for those terrible twos!), I would just put her down for a nap, and try to eliminate whatever stress triggered the incident (food, tired, overwhelmed...). No long term consequences of course. The problem is, while at the time she is a small child emotionally... chronologically and in the eyes of the other kids (and later even herself) she is not a small child, and therefore should be held accountable for her actions. Every time she "gets away" with this type of behavior she sees it as permission to continue with it.
Because of the RAD (again, not treatable by medication), most of her issues are at home with her family of course, so all the extra therapy she's getting at the PDH is, I'm sure, helpful, but not with this issue. Once a week family therapy that's not conducted by someone who is very familiar with attachment disorders will not solve this "issue." I'm a little concerned that by admitting she has "issues" with family to this therapist that she will now reinforce her self-perception as someone who doesn't need/want a family. In other words it will become part of "who she is." Just like being a "girly girl" or "friendly."
In the 2 1/2 years we've had Kitty she HAS gotten attached to us. She does trust us not to hurt her (I think as evidenced by the fact that she will hit and scream at us - which she would never do with a stranger or Bear- aren't we lucky?!). She will occassionally admit that she loves me, sometimes will let me cuddle her and tell her that I love her, and will even sometimes that she loves Hubby, but it's rare. Most of the time though she denies that she wants to be part of the family, says she hates to be touched, and rages about how much everyone hates her. If we tell her we love her, the first word out of her mouth is "NO." Sometimes it's so hard to remember to tell her anyway. It's easy to convince someone you don't love them, but how do you convince them you do?! Just keep doing what we've been doing I guess.
Kitty has been in therapy more then half of her life. She knows and uses all the buzz words like, "I have anger management issues" or "I need to work on my behavior management." She knows what the therapists want to hear and she is EXCELLENT at changing the subject with tangents or other distractions.
I have no idea what our alternatives besides residential treatment would be, and I can't see residential treatment as being a good alternative for her. She is becoming more violent, but it seems to me that most of her issues are caused by her Complex PTSD (which being around agressive kids would aggravate even more, in addition to the fact that she's already afraid she's becoming "like her brother" - out of control and violent) and her RAD (which should alleviate significantly when she's not around the family as much, but certainly won't help her progress any).
Though keeping her at home is causing major problems too. Hubby is starting to feel like the warden again. Bear's PTSD is triggered by Kitty's meltdowns (last night he had to leave the house), and of course the other kids aren't getting a lot of attention (although they are not scared of Kitty like they were of Bear). I have to admit I'm highly frustrated because I feel a lot of pressure to "fix" everything. Mommy guilt makes me feel like there's a "right" way to handle situations or a "right" thing to say that would make it all better. My head knows that's impossible, but...
We had our second family therapy session today. Much of the session was just Hubby and I talking about our concerns to the therapist (who now reads this blog, "Hi, Mr. O!" - so I better watch what I say!). When Kitty did come in she started the session with this new quiet voice that I've only really heard her use with this therapist. He commented on the fact that he's never heard her use this voice before either.
Then, breakthrough! He started talking to her about an incident yesterday (she witnessed two girls coming to blows at the PDH) and what happened when she got home (meltdown with Grandma that involved cussing and yelling and then the same with Hubby and I that denegrated to hitting Hubby). The "real" Kitty started coming out. She talked about her hatred for our family, gave the therapist several "real life" examples of her vengeance issues (he'd been asking us about it), and generally showed him the side of her that only us as her family and a select few of her therapists get to see.
Not a very productive session, but for some reason I always feel a little better when other people see her acting like this, and how we respond (calmly). I often feel like "they" think it's all in our head or we are "provoking" it (by yelling at her or treating her badly). With Bear it was a lot easier because he was unable to control his behavior at all when he "lost it" so it wasn't always directed at us. Kitty puts up the charming, friendly facade that is so typical for RAD kids.
So now what? What are our options?
1. We can put her back in public school where at least there was less stress at school. She will continue to fall apart, but it probably won't be as fast.
2. We can stick it out with the PDH and hope that the med changes will take effect quickly.
3. We can move her to residential treatment and hope that the neurological assessments make a big difference (and she won't be home while they make med changes which would be easier on the family).
4. ???!!! I've thought about an attachment intensive, but she has so many other issues that would make that so complicated. And more importantly (unfortunately) this would cost a lot of money and time that we just don't have. I haven't found a local therapist willing to do an intensive. Most of the few I can find on the internet are in Colorado (not just a hop, skip and a jump from here!). I do have family in CO, but the other 3 kids need us too. Not to mention that she is now 14 so attachment therapy at this age is VERY difficult. Of course emotionally/ developmentally she is only about 4-5 years old so maybe that helps.
Purplewalls - thanks for the suggestion regarding TinkerBear. I am strongly considering it! Say hi to the ladies at the C&C board for me. In my 3 computer change this year I managed to lose my user name and password and I can't get it to e-mail it to me. *sigh* Will keep working on it! Do you know if the user name is an e-mail addy or a name? That would narrow down the choices some.
Marythemom
Thursday, April 23, 2009
Kitty Meltdown - Restraint
Kitty hates the partial day hospitalization program (PDH). Did I mention that?! She certainly mentions it over and over and over...
Everything will be perfect if I just pull her from this program and let her go back to public school. She'll behave. She'll go to therapy. She'll never try to hurt me or herself again. She'll never cuss again. Just please... please... please... let her go back to her school where she has friends.
Tonight she wanted to go to the house of a neighbor girl who spends a lot of time over here with her sister. I've been telling the kids they can't go to this girl's house. Mostly because I don't trust Bear with the girl. Even though they've broken up, but also because I don't really feel comfortable having the kids out of my sight. Crazy I know, but even the healthy ones get into stuff I don't approve of at other's houses. Kitty especially though really doesn't need to be dealing with a lot of social issues.
Kitty did not take "no" well. She started yelling and cursing and slamming around the house. I thought she was going outside to run away so I went out front to intercept her and started to play with the other kids when I didn't see her. Bear came out very agitated because she was inside yelling and upset. I went back inside and found her locked in the bathroom.
She didn't answer when I knocked and I was a little concerned she'd find some way to hurt herself so I tried to unlock the door, but she held onto it. I told her I would take off the doorknob and she pulled the door open and threatened me with the shower rod (which wasn't in place because Bear broke the shower). She didn't hit me, but acted like she would. She cussed at me repeatedly. I kept trying to calm and de-escalate her, but would not give in on letting her visit the friend, going away, or pulling her out of the PDH.
She ran past me to her room, telling me to get away from her, but I told her she wasn't safe and I needed to stay near her. She ran into her room still holding the shower rod. She dropped it and opened her second story window (I presume to jump out). I reached out to hold her and she began punching and kicking me so we ended up in a restraint. *sigh* She tried to scratch and bite me, but for once calmed down fairly quickly. She remained in my arms with her back to me and we talked for quite awhile.
I explained over and over that I understand she's upset, and why she needed to be in the school, tried to give her some insights into her jealousy of Bob, and talked about her need for friends (and why the kids at this school may not have good social skills). She talked about all the cussing she hears, the hip hop music that's on the bus, the friend (boy) she made whose last day was today, how much she hates math...
I asked her to come down and help me make dinner. Bear was on the phone in the kitchen, and I foolishly reminded him that his chore was to clean the kitchen. Unfortunately Bear was still activiated and he went off on me about how big a mess everyone else left in room, especially Kitty (criticism upsets her more). He thought I shouldn't ask him to do chores when he did most of his chores, unlike the other kids (slam to Kitty again). Kitty immediately started asking to go outside and swing (calms her down), I wanted her near me till she was fully calm, but dinner had to be made and Bear showed no sign of letting up so I let her leave the room.
I'm getting tired of being fussed at by Bear. I've been lightening up on him, but he is not making it easy. I know, I know, teenage boys... Talked to the neighbor girl's mom. Bear, who'd been told he could not come to see her, skated by twice. We talked about why my kids don't come visit her daughters at their house. Her mom told me the girl came home with a hicky last week. Bear said it was the girl's fault?!
Why can't they stay sweet and innocent and only want Mommy kisses like little Ponito?!!!!
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Psychiatric hospitalization
I don't know if you can see it, but this is the bite mark from Kitty last week. And the cabinet door she kicked in.
Today Kitty escalated during therapy. Our therapist is amazing and kept her calmer then I could have, but at the end Kitty still threatened to kill herself if we didn't give her what she wanted. She admitted that she didn't mean it and it was just a saying, but she says it often. We've told her many times that it's not acceptable. We've often confronted her with how seriously we have to take this every time she says it.
The therapist asked if Kitty had made a plan or thought about how to kill herself. Kitty said no. When the therapist asked if Kitty could commit to being safe though, Kitty said "probably." The therapist asked several times and Kitty treated it like a game. Finally the therapist got through to her that we were serious and would have to have her admitted again to a psychiatric hospital if she really couldn't promise she could be safe.
Kitty admitted to having suicidal thoughts. She could not commit to being safe. She agreed that it was a good idea to be admitted. Hubby took her to the hospital. We engaged the child safety locks on the car doors and she was OK with that.
The therapist pointed out how much she's distancing herself from us. Something is definitely making her worse. School is a big part of that, but she'd already been going downhill for months.
Of course if you ask Kitty what's wrong, she'll tell you we don't love her. We don't trust her, and most importantly we love the other kids more than her and won't give her what she wants.
She is one seriously mixed up kid. Her world is soo distorted. She thinks family is evil and everyone in our family hate her. If she's told no or thinks others are getting something she's not, she just can't handle it and feels unloved and threatened. She doesn't trust us at all. She also has NO CLUE that she has issues. She denies it completely. If we point out our concerns then she just promises she'll never misbehave again if we'll just let her have whatever it is she wants right then (watch a movie I think is inappropriate, have a big birthday party, go to the school dance...).
So Hubby's birthday was spent dealing with the bank and our business finance issues all day, getting yelled at by our daughter for a couple of hours and then spending 5-6 hours sitting around admitting our daughter to a psychiatric hospital.
Happy Birthday Sweetheart! I love you!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Bob meltdown - warning, mega-whining!
Sunday we were supposed to eat lunch at the park with both my parents and their spouses, my sister and her kids and of course my kids. Hubby was teaching scuba.
Saturday night after dropping off the kids at Grandma's to spend the night (I love this!), I got a call from Poppy (step-dad) saying that plans had changed. My sister decided to have lunch with ex-husband while our dad was in town to "supervise."
Alcoholic ex-husband just got out of jail and hopefully hasn't had time to completely fall off the wagon, as usual. Whenever Daddy is in jail (often), my sister tells her kids that their dad is very sick (which he is) and in the hospital (which he wasn't, although he has been - alcohol-induced hepatitis, bulemia, facial reconstruction after a bar fight, and of course, rehab...). She never takes them to jail/prison(s) to visit. So they are excited about seeing him. They are 6 and 9.
I worry that she is keeping this from them. They don't know better then to get in a car with him or let him take them somewhere. They probably feel abandoned by him. I guess it's better than constantly running him down (verbally - although the other has possibilities too!).
So anyway, I got to sleep in! Yea! Right up until 8am when my step-mom called to make sure I knew about the plan changes. *sigh* She thought I'd be awake getting ready for church, but Hubby had the car so I couldn't go. Of course I couldn't fall back asleep so I got up and puttered around. Even worked out a little!! Of course I pinched a nerve in my leg that has left my right thigh tingly and kind of numb and my neck totally out of alignment (saw our cousin the chiropractor this morning).
The kids were all upset that we weren't going to the park after all so my sweet parents (Grandma and Poppy), bought us lunch at Subway and took us after all.
Bob had other plans.
(Side Note: Bob apparently had pancakes for breakfast, 3 frosted sugar cookies, one bag of jelly beans, and "some candy" all before lunch. Don't know if that had anything to do with what happened, I'm just sayin'.)
Bob didn't want to go to the park. Bob wanted to stay home and veg in front of the TV. Bob wanted me to know that if I didn't let her go home, she was never going to eat again. Bob wanted a foot long instead of a 6 inch. Bob wanted to get her drink before her siblings. Bob wanted to tie her uninflated skinny balloon to her fingers and use it like a slingshot to torture her little brother. Bob wanted to keep her balloon even though I told her to give it to me. Bob wanted to start cussing and screaming and refusing to give me the balloon. Bob wanted to run away or die (not sure which). Bob wanted her stuff back. Bob wanted me to leave her alone. Bob wanted me to die. Bob wanted her necklace to not be broken.
I continued to calmly ask for the balloon. I gave her a choice between giving me the balloon now and getting it back in the future, or losing the balloon. Bob chose to keep yelling at me. I repeated her options and informed her that her choice in the matter would be made for her if she didn't choose. Bob chose to keep yelling and shove the balloon in her pocket so I couldn't get it.
I calmly opened the side door of the van and again asked for the balloon. Bob chose to keep yelling and cursing. I took away Bob's purse and pillow. Bob informed me that there was nothing I could do or take to make her give me the balloon. I reached out and held onto her necklace that she had on and informed her that she needed to give me the balloon because there WAS something I could take if I needed to. This is not her necklace by the way, just one I found a picture of that looks similar.
After screaming and cursing some more, Bob chose to gouge her nails into my forearm and that's why I went ahead and broke her necklace. At which point she hit me with a right hook to my cheek and then burst into angry tears. I managed to restrain myself from hitting her back. Poppy pulled up and Ponito and Kitty (gratefully I'm sure!) climbed into his car and went on to the park.
Bob was furious that I broke her necklace. I informed her that her necklace was not important, relationships were. Her necklace could be easily fixed, her relationship with me was not as easy. I asked Bob AGAIN what she was upset about. After raging some more about the necklace she told me she was miserable and I just didn't care. I knew that a lot of this had to do with her not being able to go to the private school because we didn't have the money. I sympathized a little with her, but now that she was rational I was also able to enlighten her to some reality.
Fact is she is beautiful, smart, healthy and friendly. (Just use your imagination to intersperse her denials and crying throughout this conversation). She has friends at school. She is making decent grades. She has her own room, nice clothes and plenty of food. She is allowed to attend school, there's not a war going on, she has a GOOD life.
By then I was pretty upset too. This has been a long week (ok, year) for me too. I challenged her to prove that she had more to be miserable about then me. She mentioned the private school of course, and her difficulty with some of her subjects, hating having to run in PE...
Then I probably made a bad choice and decided to list MY reasons for being miserable (owing back salary to our employees; hundreds of thousands of dollars in debt to everyone; no income for over a year; no mortgage, credit card or bank loan payments in 4 months or more; knowing I need a biopsy for the possibly cancerous growths on my thyroid, but not being able to afford the deductible; knowing that my daughter wants to go to private school, but not being able to afford it; knowing all the children want extra-curricular activities like sports, but not being able to afford it; dealing every day with children with severe emotional problems; dealing with children who think it's OK to hurt me by biting me, hitting me and clawing me...
So we both stood there and bawled for awhile. Poor Grandma was stuck listening to it all (I know it's hard for her to hear what's going on with us and know that she can't help - financially anyway, emotionally and with the kids she's a huge support). Finally I reminded Bob that she'd had a lot of sugar and her blood sugar had probably dropped and was making her feel worse. I encouraged her to drink some of her soda and asked if she was ready to go to the park for lunch. She was.
At the park she had stomach cramps as we got out of the car (I reassured her that they were probably from the upset and hunger). She allowed me to put my arm around her and support a little of her weight (now that she's 5'9" and 160lbs there is no way I can support more than a little of her weight anymore!). As we ate our lunch she sat next to me and leaned on me. Yet another crisis over, and we're good again.
Of course now I have brusing and a bite mark on my right arm, gouges all over my left arm, and a nasty sunburn on the back of my neck from standing in the sun while Bob and I had our "discussion." I look like I was attacked by dogs. Both girls are acting as though nothing out of the ordinary has happened and it's all forgotten.
Bob is my biodaughter. I know for a fact she didn't grow up with the same trauma that Kitty and Bear did. I also know for a fact that she has a strong genetic predisposition for bipolar disorder (I have it, my mom has it, my maternal grandfather and all 6 of his siblings had it - all the males in his family committed suicide). Hubby's family has no documented cases of depression, but I can tell you that Hubby has probably been clinically depressed for most of the years I've known him.
Bob has always been "spirited." The book Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka was the only reason we survived her terrible twos! (which started at 17 mos and ended at age 4!). Hubby thinks the reason we clash so much is because she's a lot like me and was genetically programmed to be able to push my buttons. He's probably right. The other children really can't get me riled up at all, and sometimes all it takes is a stubborn glare from Bob.
A few years ago, when we started having issues with Bob again (long before we started the adoption process again by the way!) we just decided it was hormones from early puberty (the doctor told us when she was 8 that she would most likely be starting within 6 months). Now she's 12, still hasn't started her menses, and is just as full of attitude as most of the special needs teens that I hear about on adoption blogs and forums. Some of it is probably that I have high expectations for her, and I know that. She's so big for her age it's easy to forget that she's younger. She's VERY smart too. And she can be kind, responsible, helpful and generous when she wants to be.
So my dilemna is:
is this (finally) hormones; is this learned behavior from Kitty and Bear (after all they "get away with it" all the time); is this PTSD from the stress of the last 2 years; is this just her personality; is this bipolar disorder (I started showing signs of depression at about her age)
... and what do I do about it?!!
Our insurance doesn't cover psychological testing. We've put Bob in therapy before (most recently when the kids first got here) and it turned out she only wanted to go to spend more time with me (and get treats like Kitty - I used to bribe Kitty so she would talk in therapy - hey, it worked!!). We can't really afford the co-pays for the current therapy sessions, let alone more.
What we're doing now though is not working and I just can't take any more stress.
Friday, April 3, 2009
Kitty Meltdown
We have got to figure out a way to get Kitty more therapy treatment (her attachment therapist only has an opening every other week). We’ve done about all we can with meds and she refuses to participate in EMDR therapy so we’ve had to drop it. I’ve been dealing with my own depression and stress so I haven’t been able to devote as much of myself to helping her as I would like. I’ve increased my medications so I’m better able to handle her, but I’m still not 100%.
Yesterday Hubby had a meeting so I was taking care of the kids by myself. She had another episode that led to a restraint, property damage and some pretty severe bruising on me (she of course is totally fine). There were many triggers, so we’re not totally sure how to handle it from here.
Triggers:
1. Kitty had stayed home sick with a sore throat.
*Change in routine AND she doesn’t feel good.
2. I told her she wouldn’t be able to go to my sister’s house last night for dinner because my dad and stepmom are visiting and his health is fragile (I didn’t want her to get him sick).
* Jealousy because everyone else got to go, and more importantly FOOD – Grandma S doesn’t cook with whole wheat noodles and has sugary desserts.
3. She rode in the car with Grandma to pick up Bob from school and Bob insisted Kitty move to the back seat (they take turns sitting up front and consider it a huge privilege).
*Issues with Bob getting something she wanted
4. Because she’d gone with Grandma, Ponito turned off Kitty’s movie and I wouldn’t let her start it again right when they got back because Ponito was in the middle of a show
* Issues with Ponito getting something she wanted
5. Once Ponito’s show was done she started her movie again. The minute she came back in the room (she’d left while Ponito’s show was on) Kitty started arguing with me again to get to go to eat Grandma S’s spaghetti and for me to punish Bob for her behavior in the car. I continued to refuse. She began cussing and yelling.
* Cussing is something Kitty only does when she’s out of control. I think it scares her. I also think she was escalating because in her past if she pitched a big enough fit she got what she wanted. Each meltdown we’ve had seems a little more extreme then the last one because we are not giving her her way.
6. I let her know that she was demonstrating that she was not capable of watching “The Addam’s Family Reunion” after all. I’ve taken away most “scary” movies because they upset her, though she insists that I’m wrong of course.
* I really do think the movie could have triggered some issues.
7. She was not calming down and was getting irrational despite my remaining calm and trying to keep her calm. I finally put her in the FAIR Club.
* Definitely fear. Being put in the FAIR Club triggers her every time too.
8. Kitty left the room angry and stormed upstairs to her bedroom. I didn’t go after her.
* Issues with me. I’m sure she saw it as I don’t love her.
9. Kitty found the phone number of one of Bob’s best friends from the private school while in her room. She thought Bob didn’t have it so she dialed the number and invited Bob to talk to the girl. Bob did.
* Bob didn’t act appreciative (because she already did have the girl’s number). I’m sure this triggered an issue with Kitty because she wanted Bob to be grateful.
10. Bear started insisting that Bob get off the phone so he could make a call. I fussed at him, saying Bob had a right to talk on the phone too (he’s on it almost all the time!). In the meantime, Bob accidentally knocked off Bear’s glass which shattered. She and Bear started arguing over who should clean it up. I told Bob to clean it up.
* Kitty was in the living room with me while this was happening in the kitchen. When I raised my voice to tell the children in the other room what to do I’m sure it felt like I was yelling which I’m sure triggered some issues – even though I wasn’t really yelling and it definitely wasn’t at her. Plus, Bear was being bossy and “parenting” which again even though it wasn’t directed at her, triggers issues. The glass breaking probably surprised her as well – I know it did me!
11. As Bob started to hang up, Kitty wanted to talk to the girl. This is Bob’s best friend and she didn’t want to share so she said no (according to Kitty “really meanly”).
* Kitty is so jealous of Bob and her friends. She feels that Bob is poisoning girls’ minds against Kitty (which Kitty does often to Bob). She can’t stand it that Bob is not miserable and friendless. Plus part of Kitty's identity is being the "friendly" one and she hates it when Bob does anything that is in Kitty's baliwick.
So long story short (ha ha!), Bob stormed off to her room and slammed the door. Bear was on the phone. Kitty went into the kitchen, opened the sharps drawer, pulled out a pair of scissors and held out a chunk of her hair like she was going to cut it off. I stood nearby, but decided not to interfere. When she realized I wasn’t going to stop her, she held the scissors to her wrist, and paused again. When she realized I wasn’t going to stop her, she said "I know something I do have the guts to do" and ran to the stove. Last big meltdown she had, she’d threatened to burn herself on the stove so I stepped a lot closer, but again didn’t interfere.
Kitty tried to turn on the burner that didn’t work. Then she tried other burners, but turned them past the lighting point (gas stove) so they didn’t ignite. There was some gas being released so I turned them off and asked her to stop, but didn’t stop her physically. Finally she got one to turn on and immediately turned to a nearby cabinet to get out some spaghetti. I turned the burner off. She began threatening to burn the house down and saying she wanted us all to be in it. She kept turning the burners and I kept turning them off. She finally grabbed my arm and tried to bite me. A little more struggling and I felt I needed to restrain her. I tried a standing basket hold, but she began kicking me, and then she deliberately collapsed to the floor so I held her in a sitting basket hold.
She of course continued struggling and trying to scratch me. At one point she was able to bite me and I wasn’t in a position to break her hold so we sat there until she let go on her own. I was wearing a long sleeve shirt so while it did break the skin and of course bruise severely, it didn’t bleed and I don’t have to worry about infection. She also managed to kick out the door of one of the kitchen cabinets. I was able to move her away from the other cabinets before she could do any more damage.
When she finally calmed down and I let go of her wrists, she stayed in my arms for quite awhile. We discussed why she was angry. I tried to point out that just like she often feels like Hubby is yelling at her, even when he isn’t really, it’s the same with her issues with Bob. Bob is just acting like a normal girl. It’s the way Kitty is perceiving it that is distorted. We talked a little about jealousy.
By the time Hubby got home Kitty was calmer, but still trying to make me let her go to the grandparents. I left the kids watching TV (not the movie and they were calm) and went upstairs with Hubby to tell him what happened. We decided that he would be the parent to stay home with Kitty because I needed a break (and it’s my family that’s visiting). I was a little worried about leaving Hubby with Kitty, but he was right. I was pretty shaken up. Hubby called Kitty upstairs and asked her to turn off her radio. She immediately started pitching a fit. While standing in her doorway, trying not to keel over from the reeking pee smell. I noticed a used sanitary napkin on the floor. I know it’s been over a week since she had her period so I told her she needed to pick it up. She almost had another meltdown.
Hubby convinced me he would be OK (and we were already almost half an hour late to my sister’s) so I left. He said he asked Kitty to pick up her dirty clothes, which she did – although not the pee soaked blankets, but otherwise left her alone. When we got home Kitty was already in bed. She did get up and ask me to tuck her in and sing her a song, which I did.
Kitty apologized to Bob this morning, but then was right back at it. Bob has about had it with Kitty’s behavior and I don’t blame her. Bob reminded me that I had been giving all the children candy when they had to deal with issues like this (I thought it might bother Kitty enough to get her to quit if she saw everyone else getting rewarded- I forget whose blog I saw this suggestion on). Unfortunately someone got into my candy stash and ate it all. Probably Kitty since the missing candy was her favorite and according to Bob it really bothered her. I think I’ll bring a treat home for them. Or just mention in front of her that they all got 2 pieces of cake with dinner last night (Kitty only got one).
I realize a lot of this is fear based, but we have reduced the stress as much as we are able. (She has almost no chores, and nothing that Grandma has to enforce after school, she’s not in EMDR therapy anymore, I keep a close eye on what’s going on in school and intervene where appropriate – she had a boy “picking” on her so we moved her to another part of the classroom). The honeymoon is starting to wear off at school though. She’s no longer thrilled to be going and willing to behave to make sure she can stay (that was her choice not mine by the way – I would never MAKE a child behave to get to go to school).
I know that at least some of it is manipulation and control on her part. She often talks about how much freedom she had as a child (no chores, no bedtime, no food restrictions – cheesecake for breakfast and junk food all the time). She firmly believes that if she pitches a big enough fit she’ll get what she wants. This scares the snot out of me! She is escalating more and more rather than realizing that we say what we mean and mean what we say. She WANTS to go to residential treatment.
What do I do with a 4-6 year old who looks and thinks she’s 14?! We talk about her having issues and that’s why we don’t allow her to do some things that her “little” sister is able to do, but she is in total denial about it. She needs structure and love, but she is fighting us on both. She wants everyone, especially Bob and Ponito, to be miserable like she is and was. If I love Bob and Ponito and treat them special in any way she is jealous and demanding equality.
There are some things that Bob and Ponito have earned and are capable of handling that she just isn’t - (overnights with friends, staying home alone for short periods of time, getting to read books or watch movies that Kitty can’t handle, buying Bob new shoes because her feet have grown again, letting them stay home with Hubby when I go shopping, using the microwave, later bedtime…). Sometimes I just give in and don’t let any of them have something (for example, listening to anything but Christian music), because one or two of them can’t handle it, but I can’t do that with everything.
I’m so frustrated because not only am I not getting through to Kitty – I know she feels totally unloved, but by trying to make it feel more equal, I’m actually depriving the other kids of the things that make a happy childhood. Suggestions?!!!
Mary
Yesterday Hubby had a meeting so I was taking care of the kids by myself. She had another episode that led to a restraint, property damage and some pretty severe bruising on me (she of course is totally fine). There were many triggers, so we’re not totally sure how to handle it from here.
Triggers:
1. Kitty had stayed home sick with a sore throat.
*Change in routine AND she doesn’t feel good.
2. I told her she wouldn’t be able to go to my sister’s house last night for dinner because my dad and stepmom are visiting and his health is fragile (I didn’t want her to get him sick).
* Jealousy because everyone else got to go, and more importantly FOOD – Grandma S doesn’t cook with whole wheat noodles and has sugary desserts.
3. She rode in the car with Grandma to pick up Bob from school and Bob insisted Kitty move to the back seat (they take turns sitting up front and consider it a huge privilege).
*Issues with Bob getting something she wanted
4. Because she’d gone with Grandma, Ponito turned off Kitty’s movie and I wouldn’t let her start it again right when they got back because Ponito was in the middle of a show
* Issues with Ponito getting something she wanted
5. Once Ponito’s show was done she started her movie again. The minute she came back in the room (she’d left while Ponito’s show was on) Kitty started arguing with me again to get to go to eat Grandma S’s spaghetti and for me to punish Bob for her behavior in the car. I continued to refuse. She began cussing and yelling.
* Cussing is something Kitty only does when she’s out of control. I think it scares her. I also think she was escalating because in her past if she pitched a big enough fit she got what she wanted. Each meltdown we’ve had seems a little more extreme then the last one because we are not giving her her way.
6. I let her know that she was demonstrating that she was not capable of watching “The Addam’s Family Reunion” after all. I’ve taken away most “scary” movies because they upset her, though she insists that I’m wrong of course.
* I really do think the movie could have triggered some issues.
7. She was not calming down and was getting irrational despite my remaining calm and trying to keep her calm. I finally put her in the FAIR Club.
* Definitely fear. Being put in the FAIR Club triggers her every time too.
8. Kitty left the room angry and stormed upstairs to her bedroom. I didn’t go after her.
* Issues with me. I’m sure she saw it as I don’t love her.
9. Kitty found the phone number of one of Bob’s best friends from the private school while in her room. She thought Bob didn’t have it so she dialed the number and invited Bob to talk to the girl. Bob did.
* Bob didn’t act appreciative (because she already did have the girl’s number). I’m sure this triggered an issue with Kitty because she wanted Bob to be grateful.
10. Bear started insisting that Bob get off the phone so he could make a call. I fussed at him, saying Bob had a right to talk on the phone too (he’s on it almost all the time!). In the meantime, Bob accidentally knocked off Bear’s glass which shattered. She and Bear started arguing over who should clean it up. I told Bob to clean it up.
* Kitty was in the living room with me while this was happening in the kitchen. When I raised my voice to tell the children in the other room what to do I’m sure it felt like I was yelling which I’m sure triggered some issues – even though I wasn’t really yelling and it definitely wasn’t at her. Plus, Bear was being bossy and “parenting” which again even though it wasn’t directed at her, triggers issues. The glass breaking probably surprised her as well – I know it did me!
11. As Bob started to hang up, Kitty wanted to talk to the girl. This is Bob’s best friend and she didn’t want to share so she said no (according to Kitty “really meanly”).
* Kitty is so jealous of Bob and her friends. She feels that Bob is poisoning girls’ minds against Kitty (which Kitty does often to Bob). She can’t stand it that Bob is not miserable and friendless. Plus part of Kitty's identity is being the "friendly" one and she hates it when Bob does anything that is in Kitty's baliwick.
So long story short (ha ha!), Bob stormed off to her room and slammed the door. Bear was on the phone. Kitty went into the kitchen, opened the sharps drawer, pulled out a pair of scissors and held out a chunk of her hair like she was going to cut it off. I stood nearby, but decided not to interfere. When she realized I wasn’t going to stop her, she held the scissors to her wrist, and paused again. When she realized I wasn’t going to stop her, she said "I know something I do have the guts to do" and ran to the stove. Last big meltdown she had, she’d threatened to burn herself on the stove so I stepped a lot closer, but again didn’t interfere.
Kitty tried to turn on the burner that didn’t work. Then she tried other burners, but turned them past the lighting point (gas stove) so they didn’t ignite. There was some gas being released so I turned them off and asked her to stop, but didn’t stop her physically. Finally she got one to turn on and immediately turned to a nearby cabinet to get out some spaghetti. I turned the burner off. She began threatening to burn the house down and saying she wanted us all to be in it. She kept turning the burners and I kept turning them off. She finally grabbed my arm and tried to bite me. A little more struggling and I felt I needed to restrain her. I tried a standing basket hold, but she began kicking me, and then she deliberately collapsed to the floor so I held her in a sitting basket hold.
She of course continued struggling and trying to scratch me. At one point she was able to bite me and I wasn’t in a position to break her hold so we sat there until she let go on her own. I was wearing a long sleeve shirt so while it did break the skin and of course bruise severely, it didn’t bleed and I don’t have to worry about infection. She also managed to kick out the door of one of the kitchen cabinets. I was able to move her away from the other cabinets before she could do any more damage.
When she finally calmed down and I let go of her wrists, she stayed in my arms for quite awhile. We discussed why she was angry. I tried to point out that just like she often feels like Hubby is yelling at her, even when he isn’t really, it’s the same with her issues with Bob. Bob is just acting like a normal girl. It’s the way Kitty is perceiving it that is distorted. We talked a little about jealousy.
By the time Hubby got home Kitty was calmer, but still trying to make me let her go to the grandparents. I left the kids watching TV (not the movie and they were calm) and went upstairs with Hubby to tell him what happened. We decided that he would be the parent to stay home with Kitty because I needed a break (and it’s my family that’s visiting). I was a little worried about leaving Hubby with Kitty, but he was right. I was pretty shaken up. Hubby called Kitty upstairs and asked her to turn off her radio. She immediately started pitching a fit. While standing in her doorway, trying not to keel over from the reeking pee smell. I noticed a used sanitary napkin on the floor. I know it’s been over a week since she had her period so I told her she needed to pick it up. She almost had another meltdown.
Hubby convinced me he would be OK (and we were already almost half an hour late to my sister’s) so I left. He said he asked Kitty to pick up her dirty clothes, which she did – although not the pee soaked blankets, but otherwise left her alone. When we got home Kitty was already in bed. She did get up and ask me to tuck her in and sing her a song, which I did.
Kitty apologized to Bob this morning, but then was right back at it. Bob has about had it with Kitty’s behavior and I don’t blame her. Bob reminded me that I had been giving all the children candy when they had to deal with issues like this (I thought it might bother Kitty enough to get her to quit if she saw everyone else getting rewarded- I forget whose blog I saw this suggestion on). Unfortunately someone got into my candy stash and ate it all. Probably Kitty since the missing candy was her favorite and according to Bob it really bothered her. I think I’ll bring a treat home for them. Or just mention in front of her that they all got 2 pieces of cake with dinner last night (Kitty only got one).
I realize a lot of this is fear based, but we have reduced the stress as much as we are able. (She has almost no chores, and nothing that Grandma has to enforce after school, she’s not in EMDR therapy anymore, I keep a close eye on what’s going on in school and intervene where appropriate – she had a boy “picking” on her so we moved her to another part of the classroom). The honeymoon is starting to wear off at school though. She’s no longer thrilled to be going and willing to behave to make sure she can stay (that was her choice not mine by the way – I would never MAKE a child behave to get to go to school).
I know that at least some of it is manipulation and control on her part. She often talks about how much freedom she had as a child (no chores, no bedtime, no food restrictions – cheesecake for breakfast and junk food all the time). She firmly believes that if she pitches a big enough fit she’ll get what she wants. This scares the snot out of me! She is escalating more and more rather than realizing that we say what we mean and mean what we say. She WANTS to go to residential treatment.
What do I do with a 4-6 year old who looks and thinks she’s 14?! We talk about her having issues and that’s why we don’t allow her to do some things that her “little” sister is able to do, but she is in total denial about it. She needs structure and love, but she is fighting us on both. She wants everyone, especially Bob and Ponito, to be miserable like she is and was. If I love Bob and Ponito and treat them special in any way she is jealous and demanding equality.
There are some things that Bob and Ponito have earned and are capable of handling that she just isn’t - (overnights with friends, staying home alone for short periods of time, getting to read books or watch movies that Kitty can’t handle, buying Bob new shoes because her feet have grown again, letting them stay home with Hubby when I go shopping, using the microwave, later bedtime…). Sometimes I just give in and don’t let any of them have something (for example, listening to anything but Christian music), because one or two of them can’t handle it, but I can’t do that with everything.
I’m so frustrated because not only am I not getting through to Kitty – I know she feels totally unloved, but by trying to make it feel more equal, I’m actually depriving the other kids of the things that make a happy childhood. Suggestions?!!!
Mary
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Spring Break - morning of Day 1
Ominous music!
Monday morning started with the arguing. No one wanted to get up. No one wanted to get dressed. No one wanted to do chores. No one wanted to eat breakfast. Kitty of course was the loudest and most argumentative (we didn't tell her about the star chart until Monday evening). I finally got everyone to do their chores (and Kitty to stop yelling at Hubby).
As usual, Bear got up without too much arguing, and disappeared into the bathroom. I do not know what he does in there for over an hour - nor do I really want to know. We're pretty sure he sleeps in the tub at least part of the time. About a year ago, he accidentally pulled the soap dish off the wall (for the second time) and the tile cracked when we tried to reapply it so we cannot use the shower in there - only the bath. And when I say "we" I mean Bear. No one else will use that bathroom - usually because it smells. The girls use our shower, and Ponito likes my big bathtub.
ONE and A HALF HOURS LATER (after much fussing on our part!) he comes out of the bathroom. Hubby fussed at him. We needed to get to work, and Bear hadn't eaten, gotten dressed, or done any of his chores yet. Everyone else was done.
Bear sat down in the living room and started to sulk. Hubby kept talking. Bear started demanding his "right" to be left alone when he was irritated. Hubby kept talking - trying to figure out what is going on.
Bear's time in the bathroom has gotten beyond ridiculous. He often goes to the bathroom just before we are all about to leave the house and doesn't come out for 45 minutes, of course making us late. Every morning he comes downstairs 2 minutes before the bus is supposed to be there. Half dressed, no shoes, no breakfast and no lunch made. Luckily he takes a special ed bus with only one other child on it, so they wait for him - every day. Talking to him in the morning is a sure way of getting your head bitten off - especially if you ask him a question or criticize him.
Bear of course brought in the kitchen sink to the discussion with Hubby (meaning he brought up irrelevant stuff, not discussed the dishes!). He avoided answering questions, got more irritated, and started accusing Hubby to deflect the conversation. Hubby didn't let it go. This was a long time coming. Bear got even more irritated, and then finally let a few things slip. He admitted to hiding to avoid being with family.
He admitted that he never tells anyone about his personal issues because he can "handle it" himself. He informed us he almost never admitted to having health issues (like hemorrhoids and not sleeping at night) - because doctors said nothing could be done, doctors didn't know what was wrong, doctors would just throw meds at it, he wished doctors didn't even exist, he already told us but we couldn't do anything about it anyway...
Bear told us once, a long time ago that sleeping meds don't work for long with him. We are therefore supposed to "know" that his sleeping meds don't work, even though he's never mentioned it to us. I mentioned to the psychiatrist at the last visit that I thought Bear was having difficulty sleeping, but Bear denied it. He also doesn't bother to tell us that he is only sleeping for 5 hours a night because, his Grandpa only sleeps for 5 hours so Bear has decided this is his "normal." And there is nothing we could do about it anyway... We informed Bear it is NOT normal for a teenage boy to only sleep 5 hours a night. He is not an ill old man. While we agree that not everyone needs the same amount of sleep, he obviously NEEDS more!
For over a year, Bear hasn't told us he needs treatment for his hemorrhoids, because treatments "didn't work" when he tried it for 2 whole weeks while in residential treatment. Hubby told him that hemorrhoids most certainly can be treated, with surgery if necessary, but are caused by stress and anxiety- which Bear has a lot of, and doesn't deal with at all.
Bear admitted that he doesn't talk about his personal issues with anyone. He's "dealing with it" all by himself. He feels that unless someone went through exactly what he's been through then they can't help him. Therefore his therapist and Hubby and I are just irritating him because we always ask him questions. *sigh* Of course we ask him questions because he doesn't volunteer information! We also warned him, again, that he needs to stop talking to his friends about his issues. They are NOT equipped to handle them. Hubby pointed out that Bear's hemorrhoids are indicating that Bear is NOT "dealing with it."
While off on a tangent, Bear told Hubby that he's mad because Hubby doesn't spend enough time with Bear. For example, Bear has done all the book work to get his scuba certification (Hubby is a scuba instructor), but Hubby has never taken him for the pool work required to actually get certified. Hubby said this has been bothering him for a long time, but he hasn't wanted to certify Bear. Partly because Hubby sees this as his alone time (although he hasn't done any recreational diving in a year), but mostly because he can't trust Bear to tell him if Bear is hurt or something is wrong. This may have gotten through to Bear.
To get Bear to open up at all required a lot of persistence on Hubby's part. It's like poking a bear (pun intended - and one reason why I chose "Bear" for his screen name). Bear did a lot of growling and some yelling although no physical violence. During this ONE and a HALF hour conversation!, I hung around nearby (cleaning), but let Hubby handle the discussion. Partly to support Hubby, partly to hear Bear's responses so I wouldn't have to rely on Hubby to remember everything to tell me later.
At one point I went upstairs to check on the other kids. They were in the playroom watching Bob play PS2. This weekend I had finally told Kitty that she was no longer allowed to play with her Bratz dolls with Bob. I informed her that the dolls had "issues" and it was not fair or healthy for Bob to have to attend Kitty's "play therapy." Kitty argued a little that her dolls' issues with things like fire starting (*EEK!*) were not her own issues, but I was adamant. I told her I would be happy to play dolls with her. She chose instead to give all her dolls to Bob since Kitty was "outgrowing" them anyway. Bob was supposed to move all the dolls to her room. I had also informed the girls that all dolls with missing body parts that for some reason they were storing in an old fish tank had to be trashed. Also all the dolls they had colored with markers (alien dolls?) needed to go in the trash too.
I suggested the kids clean the playroom since they had nothing better to do, but that went over like a lead balloon as you can well imagine. The kids could of course hear the "conversation" going on downstairs. Kitty was a little distraught. She mentioned that Bear was working his way back up to residential treatment. I briefly reassured her that it was nothing like that. He is allowed to get upset (first time in the almost 1 1/2 year since he's been home from RT). I doubt she believed me though.
Finally Hubby and Bear wound down and we could leave, but it was now time for lunch! So much for getting everyone to Grandma's by 9am. *sigh*
Monday morning started with the arguing. No one wanted to get up. No one wanted to get dressed. No one wanted to do chores. No one wanted to eat breakfast. Kitty of course was the loudest and most argumentative (we didn't tell her about the star chart until Monday evening). I finally got everyone to do their chores (and Kitty to stop yelling at Hubby).
As usual, Bear got up without too much arguing, and disappeared into the bathroom. I do not know what he does in there for over an hour - nor do I really want to know. We're pretty sure he sleeps in the tub at least part of the time. About a year ago, he accidentally pulled the soap dish off the wall (for the second time) and the tile cracked when we tried to reapply it so we cannot use the shower in there - only the bath. And when I say "we" I mean Bear. No one else will use that bathroom - usually because it smells. The girls use our shower, and Ponito likes my big bathtub.
ONE and A HALF HOURS LATER (after much fussing on our part!) he comes out of the bathroom. Hubby fussed at him. We needed to get to work, and Bear hadn't eaten, gotten dressed, or done any of his chores yet. Everyone else was done.
Bear sat down in the living room and started to sulk. Hubby kept talking. Bear started demanding his "right" to be left alone when he was irritated. Hubby kept talking - trying to figure out what is going on.
Bear's time in the bathroom has gotten beyond ridiculous. He often goes to the bathroom just before we are all about to leave the house and doesn't come out for 45 minutes, of course making us late. Every morning he comes downstairs 2 minutes before the bus is supposed to be there. Half dressed, no shoes, no breakfast and no lunch made. Luckily he takes a special ed bus with only one other child on it, so they wait for him - every day. Talking to him in the morning is a sure way of getting your head bitten off - especially if you ask him a question or criticize him.
Bear of course brought in the kitchen sink to the discussion with Hubby (meaning he brought up irrelevant stuff, not discussed the dishes!). He avoided answering questions, got more irritated, and started accusing Hubby to deflect the conversation. Hubby didn't let it go. This was a long time coming. Bear got even more irritated, and then finally let a few things slip. He admitted to hiding to avoid being with family.
He admitted that he never tells anyone about his personal issues because he can "handle it" himself. He informed us he almost never admitted to having health issues (like hemorrhoids and not sleeping at night) - because doctors said nothing could be done, doctors didn't know what was wrong, doctors would just throw meds at it, he wished doctors didn't even exist, he already told us but we couldn't do anything about it anyway...
Bear told us once, a long time ago that sleeping meds don't work for long with him. We are therefore supposed to "know" that his sleeping meds don't work, even though he's never mentioned it to us. I mentioned to the psychiatrist at the last visit that I thought Bear was having difficulty sleeping, but Bear denied it. He also doesn't bother to tell us that he is only sleeping for 5 hours a night because, his Grandpa only sleeps for 5 hours so Bear has decided this is his "normal." And there is nothing we could do about it anyway... We informed Bear it is NOT normal for a teenage boy to only sleep 5 hours a night. He is not an ill old man. While we agree that not everyone needs the same amount of sleep, he obviously NEEDS more!
For over a year, Bear hasn't told us he needs treatment for his hemorrhoids, because treatments "didn't work" when he tried it for 2 whole weeks while in residential treatment. Hubby told him that hemorrhoids most certainly can be treated, with surgery if necessary, but are caused by stress and anxiety- which Bear has a lot of, and doesn't deal with at all.
Bear admitted that he doesn't talk about his personal issues with anyone. He's "dealing with it" all by himself. He feels that unless someone went through exactly what he's been through then they can't help him. Therefore his therapist and Hubby and I are just irritating him because we always ask him questions. *sigh* Of course we ask him questions because he doesn't volunteer information! We also warned him, again, that he needs to stop talking to his friends about his issues. They are NOT equipped to handle them. Hubby pointed out that Bear's hemorrhoids are indicating that Bear is NOT "dealing with it."
While off on a tangent, Bear told Hubby that he's mad because Hubby doesn't spend enough time with Bear. For example, Bear has done all the book work to get his scuba certification (Hubby is a scuba instructor), but Hubby has never taken him for the pool work required to actually get certified. Hubby said this has been bothering him for a long time, but he hasn't wanted to certify Bear. Partly because Hubby sees this as his alone time (although he hasn't done any recreational diving in a year), but mostly because he can't trust Bear to tell him if Bear is hurt or something is wrong. This may have gotten through to Bear.
To get Bear to open up at all required a lot of persistence on Hubby's part. It's like poking a bear (pun intended - and one reason why I chose "Bear" for his screen name). Bear did a lot of growling and some yelling although no physical violence. During this ONE and a HALF hour conversation!, I hung around nearby (cleaning), but let Hubby handle the discussion. Partly to support Hubby, partly to hear Bear's responses so I wouldn't have to rely on Hubby to remember everything to tell me later.
At one point I went upstairs to check on the other kids. They were in the playroom watching Bob play PS2. This weekend I had finally told Kitty that she was no longer allowed to play with her Bratz dolls with Bob. I informed her that the dolls had "issues" and it was not fair or healthy for Bob to have to attend Kitty's "play therapy." Kitty argued a little that her dolls' issues with things like fire starting (*EEK!*) were not her own issues, but I was adamant. I told her I would be happy to play dolls with her. She chose instead to give all her dolls to Bob since Kitty was "outgrowing" them anyway. Bob was supposed to move all the dolls to her room. I had also informed the girls that all dolls with missing body parts that for some reason they were storing in an old fish tank had to be trashed. Also all the dolls they had colored with markers (alien dolls?) needed to go in the trash too.
I suggested the kids clean the playroom since they had nothing better to do, but that went over like a lead balloon as you can well imagine. The kids could of course hear the "conversation" going on downstairs. Kitty was a little distraught. She mentioned that Bear was working his way back up to residential treatment. I briefly reassured her that it was nothing like that. He is allowed to get upset (first time in the almost 1 1/2 year since he's been home from RT). I doubt she believed me though.
Finally Hubby and Bear wound down and we could leave, but it was now time for lunch! So much for getting everyone to Grandma's by 9am. *sigh*
Monday, March 9, 2009
PTSD Update: Saturday Evening
Fireworks!
So Kitty excitedly showed Dad her new shoes. Hubby, knowing the story behind the shoes asked to see Kitty's old shoes (the ones that were "ruined.") Kitty showed the minuscule separation of the sole from the shoe that was so big she could "fit her finger in it!" Let's just say the shoes were not ruined, and when Hubby mentioned this, the meltdown started.
Long story short - shoes are apparently more important than anything. Hubby told her she would not be allowed to keep the new shoes because she lied about her old shoes. She started screaming, cursing, and continued to escalate until she eventually had to be restrained. *sigh*
The grandparents came and picked up the other children to take them to spend the night. The kids were happy to get two pieces of candy before they left -one for tolerating all the hassle Kitty had caused in the car and one for the evening's continuing episode.
Friday evening at Kitty's therapy session that Hubby and I go to now without her, the EMDR therapist brought up residential treatment (RT) for Kitty. I know it benefited Bear so much, but I still feel that the only reason it helped him was because he finally got a correct diagnosis and medications. The therapy seemed useless. He had never bonded to us, but was impressed by the fact that we visited all the time and had never given up on us. Whereas Kitty is anxiously attached to us, and I'm pretty sure of the accuracy of her diagnoses and medications.
I feel that Kitty's biggest issues right now are with her diagnoses that are least effected by medication - Complex PTSD and Attachment Disorder. RT just doesn't seem right for Kitty, but Hubby and the therapist are right too, she is getting steadily worse and it is effecting the quality of life of the whole family.
Hubby dealt with the brunt of Kitty's rage on Saturday night. He talked to her calmly and was firm, but actually got her to calm down instead of escalating. After an hour and a half of meltdown, Kitty made a comment about not deserving a family. Hubby questioned her on this, and didn't allow her to change the subject or deny she'd said it (not an easy task!). I did clarify that she knew what deserve meant, and she did. She eventually admitted that she did not "deserve" a family because she is a "horrible child." That a family did not "deserve" to have her inflicted on them. I asked her what made her a horrible child and she said "me, my personality, that's just who I am."
Kitty was obviously exhausted, and we think her true emotions were allowed to slip. She almost instantly began denying she said anything like that.
My poor baby. This made my heart break (and still makes me cry just thinking about it). She believed every word of it too. With the kind of deep down belief that defies logic - like trying to convince an anorexic person that she's not fat.
I think this might be the root of her issues. When we first took Kitty to attachment therapy the AT asked her why she went into foster care. Kitty said it was because she threw a chair. It's very common for kids to believe that this is their fault. The AT and I worked for a long time, trying to convince her that it was Biomom's poor parenting skills and issues (without putting down Biomom), that caused Biomom to feel unable to parent Kitty. I would guess from Kitty's statement Saturday night that although Kitty heard what we said, she didn't internalize it.
Kitty has always been "shut off" in regards to most of her physical and emotional feelings. She is not ticklish, she does not appear to feel physical discomfort. When she is afraid or upset she tends to dissociate. Over the years we have learned how to draw her back when she gets into the "Fight, Flight or Freeze" mode. We have been holding her accountable and not allowing her to "forget" the past or things she doesn't want to deal with.
We started EMDR therapy in July and at first she trotted out all the "mean men" stories that I had heard many times before. Then she refused to talk about her past at all and tried to distract us with rages against Grandma, teachers, siblings and of course Hubby. When I tried to bring up the past again, and was consistent about it, not letting her off the hook. She claimed nothing had ever happened and she "didn't remember" - not even the old standbys she'd told over and over. I think we'd started getting too close. That she was afraid we would discover what a "horrible" child she is.
After about 3 hours of raging, and one hour of talking, Kitty was finally calm and able to go to sleep. It was 11:30pm. So much for Hubby's and my date night. We sent her up to put on her PJs, and Hubby and I processed for a few minutes. Then I went upstairs to tuck her in. She was very cuddly and let me sit next to her and even kiss her hair (small token protest when I went for the cheek as usual, so I kissed the top of her head instead). Kitty reminded me that I had promised to tell her how to have good dreams. So I told her and then tucked her in. I'm sure she was asleep in minutes.
So Kitty excitedly showed Dad her new shoes. Hubby, knowing the story behind the shoes asked to see Kitty's old shoes (the ones that were "ruined.") Kitty showed the minuscule separation of the sole from the shoe that was so big she could "fit her finger in it!" Let's just say the shoes were not ruined, and when Hubby mentioned this, the meltdown started.
Long story short - shoes are apparently more important than anything. Hubby told her she would not be allowed to keep the new shoes because she lied about her old shoes. She started screaming, cursing, and continued to escalate until she eventually had to be restrained. *sigh*
The grandparents came and picked up the other children to take them to spend the night. The kids were happy to get two pieces of candy before they left -one for tolerating all the hassle Kitty had caused in the car and one for the evening's continuing episode.
Friday evening at Kitty's therapy session that Hubby and I go to now without her, the EMDR therapist brought up residential treatment (RT) for Kitty. I know it benefited Bear so much, but I still feel that the only reason it helped him was because he finally got a correct diagnosis and medications. The therapy seemed useless. He had never bonded to us, but was impressed by the fact that we visited all the time and had never given up on us. Whereas Kitty is anxiously attached to us, and I'm pretty sure of the accuracy of her diagnoses and medications.
I feel that Kitty's biggest issues right now are with her diagnoses that are least effected by medication - Complex PTSD and Attachment Disorder. RT just doesn't seem right for Kitty, but Hubby and the therapist are right too, she is getting steadily worse and it is effecting the quality of life of the whole family.
Hubby dealt with the brunt of Kitty's rage on Saturday night. He talked to her calmly and was firm, but actually got her to calm down instead of escalating. After an hour and a half of meltdown, Kitty made a comment about not deserving a family. Hubby questioned her on this, and didn't allow her to change the subject or deny she'd said it (not an easy task!). I did clarify that she knew what deserve meant, and she did. She eventually admitted that she did not "deserve" a family because she is a "horrible child." That a family did not "deserve" to have her inflicted on them. I asked her what made her a horrible child and she said "me, my personality, that's just who I am."
Kitty was obviously exhausted, and we think her true emotions were allowed to slip. She almost instantly began denying she said anything like that.
My poor baby. This made my heart break (and still makes me cry just thinking about it). She believed every word of it too. With the kind of deep down belief that defies logic - like trying to convince an anorexic person that she's not fat.
I think this might be the root of her issues. When we first took Kitty to attachment therapy the AT asked her why she went into foster care. Kitty said it was because she threw a chair. It's very common for kids to believe that this is their fault. The AT and I worked for a long time, trying to convince her that it was Biomom's poor parenting skills and issues (without putting down Biomom), that caused Biomom to feel unable to parent Kitty. I would guess from Kitty's statement Saturday night that although Kitty heard what we said, she didn't internalize it.
Kitty has always been "shut off" in regards to most of her physical and emotional feelings. She is not ticklish, she does not appear to feel physical discomfort. When she is afraid or upset she tends to dissociate. Over the years we have learned how to draw her back when she gets into the "Fight, Flight or Freeze" mode. We have been holding her accountable and not allowing her to "forget" the past or things she doesn't want to deal with.
We started EMDR therapy in July and at first she trotted out all the "mean men" stories that I had heard many times before. Then she refused to talk about her past at all and tried to distract us with rages against Grandma, teachers, siblings and of course Hubby. When I tried to bring up the past again, and was consistent about it, not letting her off the hook. She claimed nothing had ever happened and she "didn't remember" - not even the old standbys she'd told over and over. I think we'd started getting too close. That she was afraid we would discover what a "horrible" child she is.
After about 3 hours of raging, and one hour of talking, Kitty was finally calm and able to go to sleep. It was 11:30pm. So much for Hubby's and my date night. We sent her up to put on her PJs, and Hubby and I processed for a few minutes. Then I went upstairs to tuck her in. She was very cuddly and let me sit next to her and even kiss her hair (small token protest when I went for the cheek as usual, so I kissed the top of her head instead). Kitty reminded me that I had promised to tell her how to have good dreams. So I told her and then tucked her in. I'm sure she was asleep in minutes.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
Another Meltdown by Kitty
Kitty has been defiant at home, but usually staying fairly calm - as long as no one makes any demands of her. Every time she is asked to pick up after herself, do her chores, or is denied anything... she has been claiming that she is picked on and no one loves her. She gets defiant and wants to leave.
Monday night before Hubby and I got home, we had been warned by Grandma (our afterschool care) that Kitty had refused to do her chores (again), and that the other kids hadn't done all of theirs (each child has 3 chores to do daily -it's different each day). Kitty's chores on Monday were to pick up her room, wash dishes and make sure the cats had water in their dishes (they already did).
When we got home, I fussed at all the kids about the incomplete and sloppy chores and reminded them that we had company coming in the next couple of weeks - including my youngest's birthday party. I deliberately did not single Kitty out, but Kitty does not handle criticism well and still got overwhelmed. I then sent them to do their chores and asked them all to do a little bit extra.
Kitty was required to take a cup and bowl out of the playroom (that weren't hers) and put them in the sink. I swear that's all! Even my 9 year old had more to do.
As usual Kitty started claiming that we didn't love her, that she hated being part of our family. I tried reassuring her - it got worse. I tried just letting her vent - she got worse. I gently redirected her to her tasks and pointed out how easy they were (Kitty's room is pretty bare so it was mostly dirty clothes on her floor - all she had to do was put them in a basket) - she got worse.
Doing dishes is Kitty's least favorite chore. I was cooking dinner next to her as she complained and finally claimed she had a cut on her finger (and therefore couldn't do dishes).
Hubby tried to look at it and she refused - and refused to do any more dishes. I left the room to help another child and when I came back she was sitting on the floor of the kitchen, yelling at Hubby, and claiming she would never do dishes again -and never eat again (so she wouldn't make any dirty dishes). The "cut" on her finger was impossible to see. She kept escalating, even though we calmly tried to redirect her.
Then she threatened to hurt herself and blame us. When I told her we wouldn't let her hurt herself, she threatened to hurt herself at school (and blame it on us). I calmly informed her that she had made this threat so many times that no one would believe her (I meant that no one would believe we did it because they know we never would and that she has often threatened to blame us before- reported by us every time for this reason!). She apparently thought I meant no one would believe she was hurt. She said, "I'm going to really burn myself then." She stood up and ran for the boiling water on the gas stove. I quickly stepped in front of her. I am quite frankly not sure whether she would have done anything.
As Hubby loosely held her to keep her away from the flames she began kicking at him and getting out of control. He attempted to hook his leg around hers to stop the kicking and she struggled, knocking him off balance. They ended up on the floor (he was able to keep from landing on her). She started biting and screaming and threatening to run away.
I decided that to keep her safe we would most likely need to keep her under direct parental supervision (4 foot rule - we've used before). I removed her shoes in case she decided to run. It was almost bedtime so I decided to remove all her shoes and street clothes so we would be able to let her sleep in her own room (left her PJs of course). She was distracted by what I was up to (she could hear me and wanted to know what I was doing), and was able to calm down. Hubby followed her upstairs while I finished making dinner and washing her sheets since I'd discovered she had no clean ones - apparently she's been wetting the bed more lately.
Within about 20 minutes she calmed down and apologized to us both. She finished the dishes, ate dinner, took her meds and went to sleep. We directly supervised her until she fell asleep (I made her bed for her). We have told her that she would likely not be going to school tomorrow (Tuesday), but discussed it and decided to take her to school anyway (big client meeting and we knew she is still in a honeymoon period at school and would be "fine." She REALLY wants to go to school, and is willing to be more compliant if she knows it is at stake.
So as planned we let her know in the morning that we were allowing her to go to school, but would be having a meeting with the school. What happens in Vegas does NOT stay in Vegas. The school said they wanted us to continue to bring her so they could see what she was like "in action." As expected, she was fine in school, but at least they know a little more about what she is like at home, and are less likely to think I'm an over-reacting, over-protective freak.
During Kitty's therapy session tonight we tried to talk about the incident, but she became extremely agitated and repeatedly and determinedly changed the subject.
We've tried sending her to a psychiatric hospital and found that to make things worse because she enjoys it and finds it a great escape from her chores and family. I worry that she is going to continue to escalate because she feels that if she throws a fit she can get out of doing things she doesn't want to do. When that doesn't work, then she'll throw a bigger fit. Scary!
And of course, all this is "MY" fault, because I "pushed" her. Something else to work on - my frustration and insistence on chore completion, does NOT justify meltdowns. *sigh*
Monday night before Hubby and I got home, we had been warned by Grandma (our afterschool care) that Kitty had refused to do her chores (again), and that the other kids hadn't done all of theirs (each child has 3 chores to do daily -it's different each day). Kitty's chores on Monday were to pick up her room, wash dishes and make sure the cats had water in their dishes (they already did).
When we got home, I fussed at all the kids about the incomplete and sloppy chores and reminded them that we had company coming in the next couple of weeks - including my youngest's birthday party. I deliberately did not single Kitty out, but Kitty does not handle criticism well and still got overwhelmed. I then sent them to do their chores and asked them all to do a little bit extra.
Kitty was required to take a cup and bowl out of the playroom (that weren't hers) and put them in the sink. I swear that's all! Even my 9 year old had more to do.
As usual Kitty started claiming that we didn't love her, that she hated being part of our family. I tried reassuring her - it got worse. I tried just letting her vent - she got worse. I gently redirected her to her tasks and pointed out how easy they were (Kitty's room is pretty bare so it was mostly dirty clothes on her floor - all she had to do was put them in a basket) - she got worse.
Doing dishes is Kitty's least favorite chore. I was cooking dinner next to her as she complained and finally claimed she had a cut on her finger (and therefore couldn't do dishes).
Hubby tried to look at it and she refused - and refused to do any more dishes. I left the room to help another child and when I came back she was sitting on the floor of the kitchen, yelling at Hubby, and claiming she would never do dishes again -and never eat again (so she wouldn't make any dirty dishes). The "cut" on her finger was impossible to see. She kept escalating, even though we calmly tried to redirect her.
Then she threatened to hurt herself and blame us. When I told her we wouldn't let her hurt herself, she threatened to hurt herself at school (and blame it on us). I calmly informed her that she had made this threat so many times that no one would believe her (I meant that no one would believe we did it because they know we never would and that she has often threatened to blame us before- reported by us every time for this reason!). She apparently thought I meant no one would believe she was hurt. She said, "I'm going to really burn myself then." She stood up and ran for the boiling water on the gas stove. I quickly stepped in front of her. I am quite frankly not sure whether she would have done anything.
As Hubby loosely held her to keep her away from the flames she began kicking at him and getting out of control. He attempted to hook his leg around hers to stop the kicking and she struggled, knocking him off balance. They ended up on the floor (he was able to keep from landing on her). She started biting and screaming and threatening to run away.
I decided that to keep her safe we would most likely need to keep her under direct parental supervision (4 foot rule - we've used before). I removed her shoes in case she decided to run. It was almost bedtime so I decided to remove all her shoes and street clothes so we would be able to let her sleep in her own room (left her PJs of course). She was distracted by what I was up to (she could hear me and wanted to know what I was doing), and was able to calm down. Hubby followed her upstairs while I finished making dinner and washing her sheets since I'd discovered she had no clean ones - apparently she's been wetting the bed more lately.
Within about 20 minutes she calmed down and apologized to us both. She finished the dishes, ate dinner, took her meds and went to sleep. We directly supervised her until she fell asleep (I made her bed for her). We have told her that she would likely not be going to school tomorrow (Tuesday), but discussed it and decided to take her to school anyway (big client meeting and we knew she is still in a honeymoon period at school and would be "fine." She REALLY wants to go to school, and is willing to be more compliant if she knows it is at stake.
So as planned we let her know in the morning that we were allowing her to go to school, but would be having a meeting with the school. What happens in Vegas does NOT stay in Vegas. The school said they wanted us to continue to bring her so they could see what she was like "in action." As expected, she was fine in school, but at least they know a little more about what she is like at home, and are less likely to think I'm an over-reacting, over-protective freak.
During Kitty's therapy session tonight we tried to talk about the incident, but she became extremely agitated and repeatedly and determinedly changed the subject.
We've tried sending her to a psychiatric hospital and found that to make things worse because she enjoys it and finds it a great escape from her chores and family. I worry that she is going to continue to escalate because she feels that if she throws a fit she can get out of doing things she doesn't want to do. When that doesn't work, then she'll throw a bigger fit. Scary!
And of course, all this is "MY" fault, because I "pushed" her. Something else to work on - my frustration and insistence on chore completion, does NOT justify meltdowns. *sigh*
Thursday, January 22, 2009
School Daze
Last Friday - we had a meeting with Kitty's old school district to discuss her special needs with her new school district. They gave us the assessment results, but honestly, since they discussed it I didn't bother to read it in depth. Stupid me! Everyone at the meeting heard them say that Kitty is operating on about a second grade level (actually half of them heard 7th grade, but luckily we clarified that before the meeting ended). We were also told that she needed to be in a small group setting to be successful and if she had to be mainstreamed then she would need support from a behavior specialist for most if not all of class. Apparently NONE of this was actually in the stupid report. Even though 2 of the three people who were at that meeting were present for the IEP (in Texas it's called an ARD) meeting, and both agreed that that was what we heard - they went by the recomendations outlined in the assessment.
Saturday - I didn't feel good and slept most of the day.
Sunday - I missed church to spend some time with Hubby, and then took Hubby and whiny kids shopping at Sam's Club (warehouse store).
Monday - Biomom visit.
Tuesday - Spent 3 hours with Kitty (ADHD and emotionally disturbed) sitting around waiting to see if we could get her enrolled, while Bob took placement tests for Texas History - which she had completed at the private school. Hubby and the private school teachers were outraged that she was being forced to take the tests when she had documented proof of completion from an accredited school. It was hard to argue with them, and then she failed the tests. *sigh*
Discovered that they planned to put Kitty in several regular classes with inclusion help (15 minutes of assistance once a week!). Totally unacceptable. They wanted her to start that afternoon or the next day, but I insisted on an IEP meeting (ARD) before she started. So she came to work with us again.
Wednesday - Emergency meeting at the school to discuss their plans for Kitty's schedule. They started with the completely unacceptable schedule and we argued from there. They have Kitty in a regular ed Science class, with inclusion help (the inclusion teacher is in there all day, but doesn't only work with Kitty - she's more like a class aide). We also insisted that Kitty have a behavior assistant sit with her in every class that wasn't in the resource room - for most of the period, if not all. We'll see how that goes. She has several electives because we insisted she not be put in PE this year (way too many kids in each class for her to handle). She is taking theatre arts and choir. She has study hall during one period (they are not set up for this, so her schedule says teacher aide). The good news is that this means she will have little to no homework. The only choir that fit in her schedule turned out to be a beginning class for 6th graders (we asked her if she was OK with that and she was). She has absolutely no sense of rythym or pitch, but luckily that is not required! It's her last period of the day so she ends on a good note! (pun intended!)
Thursday - apparently they turned off the gas last night, and Kitty wet the bed so Kitty and Hubby had to take cold showers. This put them both in charming moods. This also means no dryer (so no laundry) and no cooking on our gas stove tonight. Luckily it's fairly warm today (yea Texas!). Hubby talked to the gas company and they will come out tomorrow and turn it back on. Which means I have to stay home until it's done, and since we only have one car - I'll be stuck home all day.
Kitty has had another growth spurt (she is now 5'3" and weighs 150lbs!). We argued and dealt with meltdowns for most of the morning about the fact that her "favorite" t-shirt was too form-fitting (other than the fact that she is now at least a 34C, you can't tell where all the extra weight is going). When she finally changed shirts, she discovered that most of her clothes were no longer acceptable. She spent so much time arguing that she didn't make lunch or have breakfast. She kept knocking things over and yelling at Hubby. I ended up giving her a plain t-shirt from my closet and plan to take both girls looking for t-shirts today. I'm hoping Grandma will help pay.
Bob is now super confident and has lots of friends (mostly boys who want her phone number! *eek*) -pretty cool for my introverted daughter who complained all through elementary that she had no friends. Totally bad news for my jealous Kitty, who can't stand others having what she wants.
Ironically after talking about it at work yesterday, one of the staff thought she might have it, I discovered I have shingles... again!! This will be the second time in 3 years. Maybe I'm under just a wee bit of stress?! Good news is I got a nice nap while waiting at the doctor's office, and my wonderful Mom (who had to drive me - no car) took me out to lunch afterward.
Hubby didn't feel well but went to work anyway and discovered that the electricity has been turned off. When he calls the electric company they tell him our tax id number doesn't match theirs (probably have the former owners). They won't turn our electricity back on until tomorrow unless we fax them a W9 form with the correct tax id number. Luckily I'd printed out a W9 form a couple of days before for a client so we had one. The problem is, how do you fax without electricity! So Hubby had to find a place to send a fax. Somedays it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
It's been a long week, month, YEAR!
Saturday - I didn't feel good and slept most of the day.
Sunday - I missed church to spend some time with Hubby, and then took Hubby and whiny kids shopping at Sam's Club (warehouse store).
Monday - Biomom visit.
Tuesday - Spent 3 hours with Kitty (ADHD and emotionally disturbed) sitting around waiting to see if we could get her enrolled, while Bob took placement tests for Texas History - which she had completed at the private school. Hubby and the private school teachers were outraged that she was being forced to take the tests when she had documented proof of completion from an accredited school. It was hard to argue with them, and then she failed the tests. *sigh*
Discovered that they planned to put Kitty in several regular classes with inclusion help (15 minutes of assistance once a week!). Totally unacceptable. They wanted her to start that afternoon or the next day, but I insisted on an IEP meeting (ARD) before she started. So she came to work with us again.
Wednesday - Emergency meeting at the school to discuss their plans for Kitty's schedule. They started with the completely unacceptable schedule and we argued from there. They have Kitty in a regular ed Science class, with inclusion help (the inclusion teacher is in there all day, but doesn't only work with Kitty - she's more like a class aide). We also insisted that Kitty have a behavior assistant sit with her in every class that wasn't in the resource room - for most of the period, if not all. We'll see how that goes. She has several electives because we insisted she not be put in PE this year (way too many kids in each class for her to handle). She is taking theatre arts and choir. She has study hall during one period (they are not set up for this, so her schedule says teacher aide). The good news is that this means she will have little to no homework. The only choir that fit in her schedule turned out to be a beginning class for 6th graders (we asked her if she was OK with that and she was). She has absolutely no sense of rythym or pitch, but luckily that is not required! It's her last period of the day so she ends on a good note! (pun intended!)
Thursday - apparently they turned off the gas last night, and Kitty wet the bed so Kitty and Hubby had to take cold showers. This put them both in charming moods. This also means no dryer (so no laundry) and no cooking on our gas stove tonight. Luckily it's fairly warm today (yea Texas!). Hubby talked to the gas company and they will come out tomorrow and turn it back on. Which means I have to stay home until it's done, and since we only have one car - I'll be stuck home all day.
Kitty has had another growth spurt (she is now 5'3" and weighs 150lbs!). We argued and dealt with meltdowns for most of the morning about the fact that her "favorite" t-shirt was too form-fitting (other than the fact that she is now at least a 34C, you can't tell where all the extra weight is going). When she finally changed shirts, she discovered that most of her clothes were no longer acceptable. She spent so much time arguing that she didn't make lunch or have breakfast. She kept knocking things over and yelling at Hubby. I ended up giving her a plain t-shirt from my closet and plan to take both girls looking for t-shirts today. I'm hoping Grandma will help pay.
Bob is now super confident and has lots of friends (mostly boys who want her phone number! *eek*) -pretty cool for my introverted daughter who complained all through elementary that she had no friends. Totally bad news for my jealous Kitty, who can't stand others having what she wants.
Ironically after talking about it at work yesterday, one of the staff thought she might have it, I discovered I have shingles... again!! This will be the second time in 3 years. Maybe I'm under just a wee bit of stress?! Good news is I got a nice nap while waiting at the doctor's office, and my wonderful Mom (who had to drive me - no car) took me out to lunch afterward.
Hubby didn't feel well but went to work anyway and discovered that the electricity has been turned off. When he calls the electric company they tell him our tax id number doesn't match theirs (probably have the former owners). They won't turn our electricity back on until tomorrow unless we fax them a W9 form with the correct tax id number. Luckily I'd printed out a W9 form a couple of days before for a client so we had one. The problem is, how do you fax without electricity! So Hubby had to find a place to send a fax. Somedays it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
It's been a long week, month, YEAR!
Friday, January 2, 2009
On the second day of New Year
On the first day of the New Year my daughter gave to me, 7 hours ofwaiting blearily.
On the second day of the New Year my daughter gave to me, 5 minutes in her company.
Kitty has been having increasing difficulty with depression and anger. She has missed a lot of school due to "illnesses" and just plain unwillingness to work. We estimated that she lost 2-3 hours daily to her psychosomatic distress. We knew she was having a tough time. We were doing everything we could to help her, while still trying to keep her from falling even further behind (she's working on a 5th grade level and is in 7th grade). As it continued to worsen, we blamed a lot of it on med changes (trying to discontinue her anti-depressant because it is contraindicated with bipolar disorder) and of course the holidays (stressful for many).
Over the winter break she had been given quite a bit of catch-up work because we wanted her to have a complete semester when she started public school on the 20th (although she still doesn't know about public school being for sure). Her sister had some work too, although nowhere near as much. Bob figured out how many pages in the workbooks that each would have to do to be finished by the time school started back- with no work on weekends. Bob chose to take Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off and work on one weekend instead. Bob had 15 pages. Kitty had 25 (on a regular school day she does 35).
Kitty had been fighting the schoolwork battle daily. Somedays she would get her assigned pages done, others she would just guess all the answers, stop without finishing, lie about it, "lose" her books, or refuse to work at all. Usually I could sit with her while she worked and keep her focused or break it down into smaller sections with rewards. Of course there was no real way she will get all the work finished by the time school started, even working over the weekend, and she knew it. She insisted she just wanted to go to public school where she'd never have homework and this stuff wouldn't matter.
So on the day before New Years, she apparently lied to me about getting all her work done (I usually check thoroughly, but had seen her working so assumed she’d done it). New Year's day I let her play for an extra hour (it was a holiday and I slept in a little) and at 10:30am told her it was time to come in from the backyard and start on school work. She refused.
Eventually I did get Kitty to come inside. That’s when I discovered that she hadn’t really done all the work from yesterday. I told her her assignment for the day with a few pages added to make up for the missing work (still less than she had to do on a typical school day). She argued, threatened to run away, cussed at us, threatened to “go emo,” pushed a pencil point into her inner arm “to kill herself” (not hard enough to leave a mark), claimed she wouldn’t have to do schoolwork if she went to public school… and eventually stormed upstairs to “do her schoolwork.”
Hubby and I immediately decided that she really didn’t need to be left alone. If for no other reason then to demonstrate that we love her and will take action to keep her safe, from herself if necessary. I grabbed a book and sat on the floor of her room. I turned the light on as I entered the room, and refused to let her turn it off again. She’d added bedsheets to her curtain and taped it to the wall to block out light. She claimed she couldn’t read if the room were light. She did a tiny bit of work, and I ignored her as much as possible (if I answer her it riles her up even more so I try to only answer direct questions and keep my answers brief). Whenever she left the room, I followed her.
Within minutes she turned off the light again and refused to turn it back on (unlike her apparently, I can't read in the dark). Rather than struggle over the light, I attempted to open the curtain accidentally knocking it down. I left it off. Kitty went to the window (second floor) and unlocked it – I assume to threaten to open it and jump out. I re-locked the window, politely asked her to move, and sat in front of it. Several times she left the room to get stuff out of another room. I followed her every time.
Suddenly she said she needed to go to the bathroom and jumped up and ran out of the room. Luckily her brother was in the upstairs bathroom (there’s a razor or two and some cleaning supplies in there - I would have stopped her and cleaned it out before allowing her in). She went to a downstairs bathroom instead. There she promptly locked herself in, turned off the light, and sat in front of the door so I couldn’t open it. I was fine with this, because as long as she was sitting on the floor she couldn’t get into the cabinet over the toilet and try to find something to hurt herself with. I heard her moving around so started to unlock the door. She immediately moved back to grab the handle.
I just kept telling her that I loved her ("Kitty, you can't tell me how I feel anymore than I could tell you how to feel. You can't tell me that I don't love you, because these are my feelings and I do love you. I always will.") and that I wouldn't leave her. That I knew she was hurting, and I wished I could make it better. Then she decided to try to flood the room (and possibly drown herself according to what she told a nurse later). I began to remove the handle from the door (couldn’t remove the door because the hinges were on the inside). She continued to hold it shut until she realized what I was doing.
Kitty ran out of the bathroom and straight to the knife drawer in the kitchen. She picked up a large knife and held it threateningly over her inner forearm. Honestly I do not think she really would have cut herself (she could easily have done it in seconds). Hubby and I struggled with her to take the knife away and she did threaten to hurt us with it. Hubby ended up holding her in a basket hold. She started struggling even more. Poor Bear was in the kitchen at the time, and it really freaked him out, he left the room quickly. He stayed calm and helped me find my cell phone so I could call the psychiatrist (it had been lost in the couch cushions which is where I searched only to find that someone had actually placed it on it's charger - how was I supposed to find it there?!). He then went outside with Ponito, Bob, (Grandma who’d we called in for reinforcements) and the neighbor kids that I had shooed out the door.
The psychiatrist recommended checking her in at the mental hospital. I called 911 because Kitty was too upset to be safe in our car. When the (luckily female) police officer arrived Kitty was still in a restraint - unable to calm. She politely answered the officer's questions, but occasionally still struggled and tried to bite and scratch Hubby. The CIT person arrived per our request. Kitty calmed down enough not to need handcuffs and walked by herself to the transport vehicle.
We talked in the car. She is afraid this means she is turning into Bear (with his long history of anger and hospitalizations). I assured her she is not like her brother in that way and she seemed to believe me and be comforted. She was calm on the ride to hospital and calm during the entire 7 HOUR intake! I was worried that they would send her home and think we were psycho parents, but at one point the social worker asked her some questions when we weren’t in the room and apparently triggered Kitty a little. Kitty talked about her obsession with black and dark, hating and hurting her sister (although she hasn't physically hurt Bob in almost 2 years she always talks about this as though it were last week), issues at school, and who knows what else.
While talking to the doctor, she rested her feet across my legs as she often does (deliberately even less gently then usual of course). I tried to rest my hand on her ankle, which she sometimes allows, but that day she wouldn't let me touch her.
Kitty was more upset about the cats not being able to come and not being able to wear her tennis shoes then anything else. She was upset that I was taking her shoes home and even peeked into the bag they were in for a final goodbye. She walked away from me without looking back. When the nurse took us back to the room where Hubby was and told her to say goodbye, Hubby tried to hug her and was pushed stiffly away. He pulled her in for a hug anyway and told her there was no way she was not getting a hug. She then walked up to me, and I opened my arms for the hug she seemed to be positioning for, but she straight armed me away too. I didn’t have to struggle as hard as poor Hubby to hug her, but it was like hugging a mannequin. Again she walked away without looking back.
On the second day of New Year my daughter gave to me, 5 minutes in her company.
So today we met with Kitty's new psychiatrist at the hospital. We only had to wait less than 30 minutes! They are completely stopping her anti-depressent (they’ve already put her at 25mg and will stop it completely in 4 days). They are planning on increasing some of her other meds, and possibly adding Lithium. They are talking about increasing her Concerta to deal with the ADHD better – which they think might be more the issue than the bipolar, or switching her to something else. They mentioned Vyvanse which is the med that caused Bear to completely lose it after one dose (severe body tics, out of control behavior and movements, vomiting, dizziness…). Of course everyone is different. They did “fuss” at us for not administering her Geodon with food (she’s been on this since day 1 with us and no one ever said anything about that!). They also divided it into a morning and evening dose.
The psychiatrist walked out during our 15 minute meeting to talk to the psychiatrist. His assistant (?) stayed and asked us a few more questions. Nowhere in the paperwork did it ask anything about Kitty's history (except had she ever been in a mental hospital before – yes, twice). I brought in a piece of paper with her diagnoses, a tiny bit of her history (placement and adoption dates mostly) and what meds she was taking. I had a hard time getting anyone to even take it (although they were interested in the meds).
Kitty appears perfectly happy at the hospital. She got to stay up until 10pm (her usual bedtime is 8:30pm). She would have gotten to sleep in until 8am, but they woke her up at 6:45 to draw some blood. We were allowed some time with her after meeting with the psychiatrist. She asked about what clothes we had brought her, was surprised when I mentioned Bob missed her, talked a little about the kids she’s met on the unit and her roommate ("she’s 14 and really cool. She’s adopted too and likes animals" – just like Kitty does! I’m so glad Kitty’s making friends. Feel free to pause in your reading now and wipe the sarcasm drips off the monitor.)
Of course no one there will insist Kitty do her schoolwork, and the school district where the hospital is doesn’t start back to school until Tuesday (they are supposed to have schoolwork brought in and of course I brought Kitty's in today, along with her extra clothes). So Kitty wins.
Kitty spent less than 5 minutes with us, then stood up to go back to group (no prompts from us or staff, she was just done). She did give me a hug, and a one armed hug to Hubby before she opened the door and walked out - without looking back.
Hubby is convinced that Kitty is the one with RAD, not Bear. I think he’s wrong, but it’s still tough seeing her care more about a pair of shoes then us.
Sunday we have family therapy – I hope they don’t try to blame all this on poor parenting skills (at least not on ours). We’ve been holding up pretty well. It helps that I have a friend who’s daughter has been placed in in this same hospital's children and adolescent ward 10-12 times (all her kids are emotionally disturbed).
It's been a long year!
On the second day of the New Year my daughter gave to me, 5 minutes in her company.
Kitty has been having increasing difficulty with depression and anger. She has missed a lot of school due to "illnesses" and just plain unwillingness to work. We estimated that she lost 2-3 hours daily to her psychosomatic distress. We knew she was having a tough time. We were doing everything we could to help her, while still trying to keep her from falling even further behind (she's working on a 5th grade level and is in 7th grade). As it continued to worsen, we blamed a lot of it on med changes (trying to discontinue her anti-depressant because it is contraindicated with bipolar disorder) and of course the holidays (stressful for many).
Over the winter break she had been given quite a bit of catch-up work because we wanted her to have a complete semester when she started public school on the 20th (although she still doesn't know about public school being for sure). Her sister had some work too, although nowhere near as much. Bob figured out how many pages in the workbooks that each would have to do to be finished by the time school started back- with no work on weekends. Bob chose to take Christmas Eve and Christmas Day off and work on one weekend instead. Bob had 15 pages. Kitty had 25 (on a regular school day she does 35).
Kitty had been fighting the schoolwork battle daily. Somedays she would get her assigned pages done, others she would just guess all the answers, stop without finishing, lie about it, "lose" her books, or refuse to work at all. Usually I could sit with her while she worked and keep her focused or break it down into smaller sections with rewards. Of course there was no real way she will get all the work finished by the time school started, even working over the weekend, and she knew it. She insisted she just wanted to go to public school where she'd never have homework and this stuff wouldn't matter.
So on the day before New Years, she apparently lied to me about getting all her work done (I usually check thoroughly, but had seen her working so assumed she’d done it). New Year's day I let her play for an extra hour (it was a holiday and I slept in a little) and at 10:30am told her it was time to come in from the backyard and start on school work. She refused.
Eventually I did get Kitty to come inside. That’s when I discovered that she hadn’t really done all the work from yesterday. I told her her assignment for the day with a few pages added to make up for the missing work (still less than she had to do on a typical school day). She argued, threatened to run away, cussed at us, threatened to “go emo,” pushed a pencil point into her inner arm “to kill herself” (not hard enough to leave a mark), claimed she wouldn’t have to do schoolwork if she went to public school… and eventually stormed upstairs to “do her schoolwork.”
Hubby and I immediately decided that she really didn’t need to be left alone. If for no other reason then to demonstrate that we love her and will take action to keep her safe, from herself if necessary. I grabbed a book and sat on the floor of her room. I turned the light on as I entered the room, and refused to let her turn it off again. She’d added bedsheets to her curtain and taped it to the wall to block out light. She claimed she couldn’t read if the room were light. She did a tiny bit of work, and I ignored her as much as possible (if I answer her it riles her up even more so I try to only answer direct questions and keep my answers brief). Whenever she left the room, I followed her.
Within minutes she turned off the light again and refused to turn it back on (unlike her apparently, I can't read in the dark). Rather than struggle over the light, I attempted to open the curtain accidentally knocking it down. I left it off. Kitty went to the window (second floor) and unlocked it – I assume to threaten to open it and jump out. I re-locked the window, politely asked her to move, and sat in front of it. Several times she left the room to get stuff out of another room. I followed her every time.
Suddenly she said she needed to go to the bathroom and jumped up and ran out of the room. Luckily her brother was in the upstairs bathroom (there’s a razor or two and some cleaning supplies in there - I would have stopped her and cleaned it out before allowing her in). She went to a downstairs bathroom instead. There she promptly locked herself in, turned off the light, and sat in front of the door so I couldn’t open it. I was fine with this, because as long as she was sitting on the floor she couldn’t get into the cabinet over the toilet and try to find something to hurt herself with. I heard her moving around so started to unlock the door. She immediately moved back to grab the handle.
I just kept telling her that I loved her ("Kitty, you can't tell me how I feel anymore than I could tell you how to feel. You can't tell me that I don't love you, because these are my feelings and I do love you. I always will.") and that I wouldn't leave her. That I knew she was hurting, and I wished I could make it better. Then she decided to try to flood the room (and possibly drown herself according to what she told a nurse later). I began to remove the handle from the door (couldn’t remove the door because the hinges were on the inside). She continued to hold it shut until she realized what I was doing.
Kitty ran out of the bathroom and straight to the knife drawer in the kitchen. She picked up a large knife and held it threateningly over her inner forearm. Honestly I do not think she really would have cut herself (she could easily have done it in seconds). Hubby and I struggled with her to take the knife away and she did threaten to hurt us with it. Hubby ended up holding her in a basket hold. She started struggling even more. Poor Bear was in the kitchen at the time, and it really freaked him out, he left the room quickly. He stayed calm and helped me find my cell phone so I could call the psychiatrist (it had been lost in the couch cushions which is where I searched only to find that someone had actually placed it on it's charger - how was I supposed to find it there?!). He then went outside with Ponito, Bob, (Grandma who’d we called in for reinforcements) and the neighbor kids that I had shooed out the door.
The psychiatrist recommended checking her in at the mental hospital. I called 911 because Kitty was too upset to be safe in our car. When the (luckily female) police officer arrived Kitty was still in a restraint - unable to calm. She politely answered the officer's questions, but occasionally still struggled and tried to bite and scratch Hubby. The CIT person arrived per our request. Kitty calmed down enough not to need handcuffs and walked by herself to the transport vehicle.
We talked in the car. She is afraid this means she is turning into Bear (with his long history of anger and hospitalizations). I assured her she is not like her brother in that way and she seemed to believe me and be comforted. She was calm on the ride to hospital and calm during the entire 7 HOUR intake! I was worried that they would send her home and think we were psycho parents, but at one point the social worker asked her some questions when we weren’t in the room and apparently triggered Kitty a little. Kitty talked about her obsession with black and dark, hating and hurting her sister (although she hasn't physically hurt Bob in almost 2 years she always talks about this as though it were last week), issues at school, and who knows what else.
While talking to the doctor, she rested her feet across my legs as she often does (deliberately even less gently then usual of course). I tried to rest my hand on her ankle, which she sometimes allows, but that day she wouldn't let me touch her.
Kitty was more upset about the cats not being able to come and not being able to wear her tennis shoes then anything else. She was upset that I was taking her shoes home and even peeked into the bag they were in for a final goodbye. She walked away from me without looking back. When the nurse took us back to the room where Hubby was and told her to say goodbye, Hubby tried to hug her and was pushed stiffly away. He pulled her in for a hug anyway and told her there was no way she was not getting a hug. She then walked up to me, and I opened my arms for the hug she seemed to be positioning for, but she straight armed me away too. I didn’t have to struggle as hard as poor Hubby to hug her, but it was like hugging a mannequin. Again she walked away without looking back.
On the second day of New Year my daughter gave to me, 5 minutes in her company.
So today we met with Kitty's new psychiatrist at the hospital. We only had to wait less than 30 minutes! They are completely stopping her anti-depressent (they’ve already put her at 25mg and will stop it completely in 4 days). They are planning on increasing some of her other meds, and possibly adding Lithium. They are talking about increasing her Concerta to deal with the ADHD better – which they think might be more the issue than the bipolar, or switching her to something else. They mentioned Vyvanse which is the med that caused Bear to completely lose it after one dose (severe body tics, out of control behavior and movements, vomiting, dizziness…). Of course everyone is different. They did “fuss” at us for not administering her Geodon with food (she’s been on this since day 1 with us and no one ever said anything about that!). They also divided it into a morning and evening dose.
The psychiatrist walked out during our 15 minute meeting to talk to the psychiatrist. His assistant (?) stayed and asked us a few more questions. Nowhere in the paperwork did it ask anything about Kitty's history (except had she ever been in a mental hospital before – yes, twice). I brought in a piece of paper with her diagnoses, a tiny bit of her history (placement and adoption dates mostly) and what meds she was taking. I had a hard time getting anyone to even take it (although they were interested in the meds).
Kitty appears perfectly happy at the hospital. She got to stay up until 10pm (her usual bedtime is 8:30pm). She would have gotten to sleep in until 8am, but they woke her up at 6:45 to draw some blood. We were allowed some time with her after meeting with the psychiatrist. She asked about what clothes we had brought her, was surprised when I mentioned Bob missed her, talked a little about the kids she’s met on the unit and her roommate ("she’s 14 and really cool. She’s adopted too and likes animals" – just like Kitty does! I’m so glad Kitty’s making friends. Feel free to pause in your reading now and wipe the sarcasm drips off the monitor.)
Of course no one there will insist Kitty do her schoolwork, and the school district where the hospital is doesn’t start back to school until Tuesday (they are supposed to have schoolwork brought in and of course I brought Kitty's in today, along with her extra clothes). So Kitty wins.
Kitty spent less than 5 minutes with us, then stood up to go back to group (no prompts from us or staff, she was just done). She did give me a hug, and a one armed hug to Hubby before she opened the door and walked out - without looking back.
Hubby is convinced that Kitty is the one with RAD, not Bear. I think he’s wrong, but it’s still tough seeing her care more about a pair of shoes then us.
Sunday we have family therapy – I hope they don’t try to blame all this on poor parenting skills (at least not on ours). We’ve been holding up pretty well. It helps that I have a friend who’s daughter has been placed in in this same hospital's children and adolescent ward 10-12 times (all her kids are emotionally disturbed).
It's been a long year!
Monday, December 29, 2008
It's beginning to look a lot (less) like Christmas
Meltdown city again with Kitty. Saturday nights all the kids go to Grandma's for the night (yes, I know we are blessed and Grandma is masochistic!). Kitty came downstairs with a HUGE suitcase. We argued for 10 minutes that she didn't need to take ALL her stuffed animals with her for an overnight visit. She finally switched to a smaller case. Bob told us the next day that Kitty had been planning to run away. *sigh*
Turns out that one of Kitty's biggest complaints was that Kitty was not happy with what she got for Christmas. She got many things on her list, but she wanted what her sister got - highlights for her hair. Kitty has always wanted to be blonde (which of course would not go with her coloring), and no matter how many times I tell her others would kill for her naturally wavy black hair, she of course hates it. The private school has a policy against unnatural colors and highlights so I was very resistant against doing anything to Kitty's dark hair because anything I did would show dramatically.
Bob on the other hand with her light brown hair could have subtle highlights without looking noticeable different. I was hoping it would give her a confidence boost (she's my introvert and I know she's going to have a tough time going to public school). I have always tried to emphasize that my kids are different, and therefore I never give them the same presents, but I guess in this case it didn't work.
I asked Bob nicely if she would share (I knew there would be plenty in the bottle). Bob very sweetly said yes. Kitty asked if I'd had to bribe Bob to share, and I think she was impressed that Bob hadn't needed incentive.
Kitty has been fighting doing schoolwork and I told her yesterday that because she hadn't been doing the full amount each day that she would have to work this weekend. This did not make her a happy camper. I asked her to do 3 pages in every subject (total of 18 pages) while I went shopping with my mom (to vent and get her opinion on the biomom issue). Kitty was very proud of the fact that she'd finished the pages in less than an hour.
So when I told Kitty she could have highlights if she finished 2 more pages in every subject she was ecstatic at first. She begged me to stay in the room and keep her company. All the other kids were enthusiastically playing PS2 (got a new game for Cmas) so I hung out with Kitty. I helped her with her word building PACE, and read a book while she did math and science (I did discover that she's been working the workbooks out of order and made her go back and finish one before she started the next).
Kitty required a lot of assistance to stay on task. She could hardly tolerate the noise the other kids made on the other side of the house. If she didn't understand something, her first instinct was to write anything, and fix it when she did corrections. Having something to look forward to, while an amazing motivator, actually made things more difficult for Kitty because she had to wait. She kept saying she was never going to be able to finish. I pointed out she'd done more work in less than an hour, but that didn't help. I got to the point that I ignored her and that seemed to help. (I was laying right next to her so it's not as bad as it sounds).
She did eventually finish and I gave her a few face framing highlights. They were noticeable enough for her to be happy, but I don't think the school will notice. Both girls look great.
In an attempt to better medicate Kitty’s bipolar disorder, her psychiatrist upped her Trileptal and Geodon and began weaning her off of Zoloft (anti-depressants can trigger mania). Kitty did better on the increase in meds, but as we’ve reduced the Zoloft we saw more and more meltdowns and issues. As of late last week we completely removed the Zoloft (looking back the holidays might not have been the best time to do this!) We were informed by our other daughter that Kitty has not only been threatening to jump off a bridge (suicidal statements to us have been on the increase as well), but that Saturday night she actually packed her suitcase intending to run away. She tried to take the suitcase to Grandma’s (to run away from there I assume), but I refused to let her take that large a bag to Grandma’s. She did not end up running away. Bob did not tell us of Kitty’s plan until Sunday afternoon.
Kitty’s psychiatrist is out of town until January 5th (yes, she already has an appointment for that day). I talked to the on call psychiatrist and Kitty started back on 50 mg of Zoloft today (she’d been dropped to 25 mg for the last week and a half and has been off of it for a few days).
It’s the holidays, Kitty was pre-menstrual until yesterday, we’re mucking with her meds, she felt Bob got a better Christmas gift than she did, she’s being forced to do schoolwork during the holidays, and I’ve been so stressed that I’ve been spending a lot of time in my computer cubby (of course my teenage children don’t want me bugging them either so this isn’t entirely a big deal), and did I mention it was the holidays?! I'd say I can't wait for them to go back to school, but that's full of pitfalls for Kitty too.
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