Halloween - Cancelled

I'm working hard at getting the "Meanest Mom in the World" title. I decided we won't be celebrating Halloween this year. - They don't need the candy, I don't need the supervising hassles, the private school is adamantly against it, and I've made gorgeous, elaborate costumes for too many years that were never worn. Plus it's overwhelming for Kitty.

I'm trying to think of how to make this a fun evening. So far I'm looking at games we can play, pizza (not whole wheat for once!), movies from Blockbuster (haven't done that in awhile), and probably doing it all in our PJs. Possibly letting them sleep downstairs (I haven't allowed that since Bear snuck out and ran away and we discovered a steak knife under his mattress. Kitty saw him leave and it freaked her out to see "somthing" in the back yard). Wish me luck!

Great news!

Bear has pulled all his grades up, even in math and has all As!!! He had a 76 in Algebra last report card so this is huge for him!

Kitty Therapy

The original plan for Kitty's therapy was for her to go to EMDR therapy for the Summer and then go back to attachment therapy. She was having a lot of issues with her PTSD (post-traumatic stress syndrome) and dissociating and meltdowns. We watched a video of how EMDR works and it basically said 2-3 session and the person was able to process the event(s) without the emotional turmoil. So I have been pushing the sessions to get Kitty to address her biggest triggers/ issues.

I talked to Kitty's attachment therapist about setting up appointments again, and she asked if I had talked to the EMDR therapist about it. Well, no, I'm a big e-mail communicator and the EMDR therapist is not, plus she's a super busy person. She reads this blog sometimes though! So tonight, I/we pushed Kitty through another session (we've been alternating difficult with easier sessions and tonight was scheduled to be a tough one), and then sent Kitty out of the room for a talk.

Oops! Basically the EMDR for a single event (like a rape or car accident) is 2-3 sessions. For long-term trauma and abuse it could take more like 2 years. Guess which the therapist was predicting for Kitty?!

Kitty is much better. She no longer obviously dissociates when we talk about birth mom or her abusive men -before, she wouldn't answer and would focus on anything else in the room, would change the subject, would walk/run away, and even got violent. Now she stays put, and only sometimes says, "I don't remember."

I was very interested in working on Kitty's somatic issues with the attachment therapist (something we were just starting when Kitty switched to EMDR therapy), but according to the EMDR therapist Kitty is not ready yet. That basically her lack of awareness about her body (not sensing hunger, food on her face, not caring about body odor, not being ticklish, actually inviting others to hurt her by pinching or hitting her to prove that it doesn't hurt her...) is part of her dissociating behavior, and that when she is (much) further along we'll see a dramatic improvement in her awareness of her body.

So now I'm thinking it would be great if I could see Kitty's attachment therapist to help and support me in continuing to provide the therapeutic parenting and deal with attachment issues, while Kitty and I continue with her EMDR therapy. The only problem is that the attachment therapist is not on our health insurance. She would be paid through TX Medicaid which of course I don't have. I'll call her today and see if we have any alternatives.

Squeak!

Kitty Assessments

I spent all day yesterday talking about Kitty and getting her assessed and now I'm even more confused!

So yesterday morning Kitty and I had the initial interview with the psychologist for Kitty's psych eval. I really liked her. As usual, I brought in tons of documents including the psych eval from last August. She wanted to know why we wanted another psych eval - she had a good point. I was interested in getting her diagnosed for bipolar disorder, but she's already on 3 meds for it (Trileptal, Seroquel and something else). The psychologist said it would be very difficult to "tease" out the bipolar from the ADHD and other issues. I think what I might really need is just someone to explain the results.

One thing she mentioned was that Kitty's IQ is only 76 - borderline mental retardation. We've always believed that Kitty doesn't present and test well due to all the trauma, moves, learning disability and ADHD, not being stable on her medications yet, and not being comfortable with the testers - so we were working on the assumption that in reality her actual IQ is higher; however, the psychologist said that if she can't adapt or adjust well that this could actually be lower. (Kitty's EMDR therapist believes that our initial assumption is correct and that Kitty is actually higher functioning than this).

The psychologist (after Kitty left the room), pointed out that we did the right thing by keeping Kitty in a small classroom setting. That she would not be able to handle all the chaos, stimuli and social issues that go along with being in a regular classroom. She also noted that the previous psych eval had included a lot of academic assessments. Her biggest concern was that Kitty doesn't appear to be able to generalize information so a little time each day teaching her tips and techniques (which is all I figured she needed) would not be enough or very helpful. Right now Kitty is working on about a 5th grade level (she's in 7th grade). She is not making big leaps in the academic area so I'm afraid she's going to continue to be 2 years behind. She'll already be 19 when she graduates. Add on 2 extra years or more (as things get harder I worry she'll get further behind) and she may never graduate! Did I mention Kitty's current goal is to be a surgeon?!

The meeting took only an hour so I decided Kitty should go back to school (Kitty was not thrilled!). We went to Salvation Army and picked up appropriate clothing for school (didn't make sense to go all the way home and then all the way to the school when she needed more uniform pieces anyway), took her to lunch, and took her to school. My car is on the critical list, so my Mom drove us around. After we dropped Kitty off, we went to the middle school closest to Kitty's private school (according to the law they are responsible for Kitty's assessments and providing special services because she attends a school in their district) to meet the woman in charge of assessments. I'd already given her a heads up that I would be coming by to pick up and drop off paperwork, rather than mailing them (I am not a patient person).

So here's my biggest concern. Kitty's private school, while very willing, does not have the capability of providing more than minimal accomodations for Kitty. They do not even know how to read an IEP and as far as I know have never bothered to read the one Kitty came with last year. I doubt seriously that we could get the school to train them or provide a one on one aide at the private school. It's really starting to sound like Kitty will need more than a couple of hours a day of help. If the school district insists she needs to be enrolled to be able to provide all the services she needs then I have to decide if I want to pull her from the private school. She has to be in a resource room environment (which I would have to fight for), and since she is so high functioning, I worry that she's going to look around and give up because, "everyone thinks she's stupid."

I'm this close to deciding that the new psych eval is unnecessary, plus we think we will have to pay the $1500 insurance deductible, but if the school district assesses her and decides that they can't accomodate her at the private school, then I will need something showing that she shouldn't be mainstreamed with inclusion help (which was their plan in 6th grade- regular classes with 15 minutes a week of in class assistance!). I'm guessing that proving she is mentally retarded (based on her low IQ and inability to adjust) might force them to allow her the resource room classroom.

So most of the paperwork is turned in, now I just have to wait for actual assessments.

Mary

Parent/Teacher Conferences

4!! Parent/ Teacher Conferences in the last 3 days!!

Ponito - Wednesday


Ponito is doing very well in 4th grade. He's making A's in almost every subject, particularly math. Their only concern is reading comprehension and studying. Basically he skims books and isn't getting enough comprehension (60% instead of 80-100%). This was a concern at the private school too. He "got it" so quickly that he rushed ahead and sometimes he missed something important. He either made 100s on his tests or 80s. 80s meant he missed something. Hubby and I are a little concerned that Ponito will make it through school without needing to study (like we did). When he finally comes across something requiring study (didn't happen till college for us!), he will not know how! Still, he's only 9 so we're not too worried. Just something we're watching.

Bear - Thursday

Actually this was a Parent/Therapist conference - Bear wasn't there. Therapist read us the riot act again, for not spending enough time with Bear (I don't totally agree with this one) and for being too restrictive. We've always been concerned with the line between keeping him out of trouble and allowing him to fail. Since every single time we've loosened the reins he used poor judgement and messed up, we've gotten to the point of not loosening the reins. The therapist has talked us into allowing him some more freedom (such as the out classes in regular school), but basically doing so in a very supervised way (such as academic instead of athletic classes -which have too little structure and supervision). He warned that if we did not lighten up some, two things were likely to happen:
1. Bear would start rebelling and acting out.
2. When Bear graduated he would do all the things we had tried to prevent, but now it would be on his adult record.


I wanted to talk about the fact that Bear is not expressing any emotion. Before Bear went to residential treatment and got on his current medications he exploded on about a monthly basis. All emotions were stuffed inside and converted into angry lava. You could see it seething and bubbling inside him. When he lost control the volcano exploded in an angry outburst. Afterward, for about 10-30 minutes he would exhibit true emotions - he usually cried and talked about his feelings of abandonment, fear, anxiety and anger (accessing the emotions he kept stuffed inside). We felt that therapy would not reach Bear until we could get the volcano under control.


Now Bear has his anger under control, but he still stuffs his feelings inside instead of processing them. Now they go in what appears to be a huge box inside him. When Bear had an outburst, that box got opened and examined and maybe processed a little. Now that he has no more outbursts, the box stays closed, the emotions untouched and buried deeper and deeper. Bear is making progress academically and socially. He does talk about things and has even cried, but it tends to be current stuff. He is getting more mature, and can control his emotions- which is a good thing don't get me wrong! But I can't believe that not dealing with all the bad stuff that I know is in that box is a good thing. I can't believe that him not dealing with most of his feelings is a good thing. Before he wasn't able to learn anything because his life was in constant chaos - and now he is advancing academically and socially. He will never be off medication completely, but I wonder if it's time to start lowering his doses so that he can access his box, deal with his emotions. Or should we give him more time to be successful in all the areas that had been falling by the wayside?

Friday - Bear


So we had a parent teacher conference with Bear's school and told them we'd be willing to allow Bear to attend out classes at the highschool. For scheduling reasons it has to be two classes. We decided on English and remedial math (he's taking 2 math classes has an 83 in the applied math class and a 73 in Algebra - we think it's stupid that he has to take Algebra, but No Child Left Behind right?!). We are insisting on someone to escort him to and between classes.

We are also requesting he be tested for dyslexia. Technically they only have to test a child every 3 years and it's only been two (since he was tested in a tiny town in rural Nebraska), but we might be able to push it since he's been diagnosed with ADD and failed the 8th TAKS (Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills) three times (never passed).

Friday - Kitty


Kitty's parent teacher conference was to ream us for
allowing Kitty to attend school smelling disgusting (hard to catch for us as the odor builds through the day, and in the enclosed car on the way to school, Hubby has no sense of smell),
being a wrinkled mess (Kitty is incapable of putting her clothes away - she shoves them in a drawer, dumps them on the floor and leaves them in baskets which she then mixes with dirty clothes),
not having extra clothes at school (she uses them and doesn't replace),
forgetting her workbooks at home -recently Kitty went home sick and when she went back to school she discovered that she'd left all of her workbooks at home. We did not want to make the 30 minute round trip because we needed to get to work (45 minutes to 1 hour, one way). My suggestion was to have her work on a report or clean. They apparently didn't like that suggestion. We did make Kitty do all the pages that she missed after school.
not picking her up right away when she was sick - I'm going to blame this one on Hubby since he took the call and did not pass on any sense of urgency to me. We were told she had a stomach ache/cramps - this is a standard thing for Kitty although it's been awhile. Hubby told them to give her some Tums and he'd call Grandma - he thought they said they would call back if the Tums didn't help. They thought he'd call back if he hadn't been able to get hold of Grandma. I wasn't able to get hold of Grandma, but luckily she showed up early so she could do portraits of the kids in the school (she's an amazing artist). They sent Kitty home with her.

We wanted Kitty in on this meeting so she would understand that the hygeine/ appearance concerns weren't Mom being picky. Even though they obviously felt the onus was on the parents, when they addressed her they emphasized that she is 13 and responsible for herself. I think they got through to her, but there is the issue that she is probably not really capable of doing this on her own (in a lot of ways she is a very immature 6 year old). We will have to take back over her laundry and wardrobe.

I let them know that Kitty has a psych eval on Tuesday - we want to get her tested for bipolar disorder, and that we are trying to get her assessed through the school system for dyslexia. Getting the assessment is going to take some time. Then we have to figure out what services she needs and how to get her those services. We'll have to advocate for the school to come get her or work with her at school. Her private school is in another school district so she gets services through them, so we'll have to work with another system (yea!), but I've heard good things about this school districts special educations services so that will be good.

Luckily I have lots of friends who are able to help me advocate for my kids' needs. They WILL get the services they need.


OK, while she was mentioned at Kitty's P/T conference, Bob didn't get a conference, but I didn't want to leave her picture out! *grin* So here's my baby girl! These pictures are from last year. I really need to work on getting out the camera more often!

Family by Bob

Family

Family is important to me because without family, I would be all alone. I wouldn't have a house, any clothes or food, and I wouldn't be able to go to this school. Sometimes I don't like my family, but there is always a reason to love them, even if I think the world is out to get me.

My family consisted of two boys and two girls until we adopted Kitty and Bear. My family decided to adopt because they wanted to give some unlucky kid the chance to have a great life. When I was two (she was actually 4) they tried to adopt, but the state said I was too young to let my parents adopt. So we waited until I was eleven.

When we adopted Kitty and Bear, Kitty was named ____________ (we allowed Kitty to change her first name when she was adopted). We had to share a little bitty rome, so my mom and dad had us move into Ponito's room, and we sorta switched. Anway, we had to split Kitty and I up because we kept fighting, and my mom thought it was because we shared a room. Now we don't fight. I mean every once in a while I fight with my mom. A lot of times actually. The best thing about fighting is making up.

There are a lot of good things about having a big family. If you have a problem there are so many people to talk to. You get a lot of presents during Christmas and your Birthday. But family is there to keep you up, not throw you down. Even if you don't do anything and they blame you, you may hate them for awhile, but you forgive and forget, right?

Yes, Kitty there is a Santa Claus

Santa still comes to our house. Several years ago he brought us our Husky, Scarlet Claus. This year he brought us a 50" flat screen TV because "Scarlet said we'd been really good this year." (Our main TV had died).

When Kitty and Bear moved in (November 4th!) we told them that if you said you didn't believe in Santa Claus, he wouldn't come. This was my "subtle" way of saying do not tell your siblings if you don't believe! I have NEVER said I do not believe in Santa, and was thrilled that Bob and Ponito still believed, as far as I could tell, at least until last year.



So in therapy awhile back, Kitty confronted me on the Santa issue. She had accused me of lying to her. I said I do not lie. She said, I know Santa existed a long time ago, and that the "spirit of Christmas" still exists, but I want you to tell me that Santa Claus doesn't exist as a person now, and if you don't then you are lying to me.

The therapist confronted her and asked her to stop. I repeated my previous statements that if you say you don't believe in Santa he won't come, but other than that refused to answer. Was I wrong? Should I have told her that Santa doesn't exist? Am I lying?

She thinks children should never be told that Santa exists. That adults are lying to kids. It is so sad that she wants to deprive everyone of the joy in believing in magic probably because she didn't get to experience it herself. She assured me that none of my children believe anymore - she claims friends at school told them. She was the one to tell her little sisters that Santa didn't exist (they would have been at most 3 and 6).

I do allow the children to watch some shows and read books about witches and wizards (Wizards of Waverly place, Sabrina the teenage witch, and Harry Potter - before they got so violent), but we often talk about the fact that magic and ghosts and things are not real. I do not allow the kids, especially Kitty, to watch violent, gory, scary shows (no matter how much she begs), because Kitty seems to have difficulty processing it. You've also heard my opinions on how media negatively influences children. I try to raise my children to be respectful, responsible, honest and happy to the best of my ability.

I rarely lose my temper with the kids, and I am not a liar. The ONE time I lost my temper, was in a crabby, irritable mood with the kids and yelled at them was early on in their lives with us and I went on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication almost immediately after. This is CONSTANTLY thrown in my face by both Bear and Kitty (as an example of how it must be OK to get angry and yell since I did it).

I fully expect Santa to be Kitty's example proving that I am a liar. Kitty talks often of the two times that Bob got into a physical altercation with her - as though they happened yesterday instead of almost 2 years ago. This is her reason why she doesn't get along with Bob - because Bob is mean and hits her. Yet, both children have no memory or tolerance for us bringing up times when they lied, got physical or acted out. Their slate is wiped clean and if we use it as a reason not to trust them, then we are "holding a grudge," if the child doesn't deny it completely. That is in the past and irrelevant.

This is so frustrating. Does telling children that Santa is real make me a liar? Do I have to be perfect to parent these children? When I am not perfect, how do I convince them that this doesn't mean they can do anything they want all the time just because I did it once?!