Stealing - does it ever end?

Recently I got some Valentine candy in the after holiday sales. The candy had a stuffed animal attached that Bob wanted to give to a friend (she paid me for it). The friend was allergic to chocolate so I got the candy. This was after all the kids had gone to bed (where Bob was supposed to be) and after removing the toy, Bob left the box of chocolates with the torn cellophane on the kitchen counter.

After the kids had left for school the next morning, I realized I'd accidentally left the candy on the counter (I hide all sweets and baked goods for reasons that are about to become apparant). Of course 1/2 the candy was gone. I did ask the other kids (who rarely steal and would tell me if they did), and all of them denied touching the candy. Bear admitted to taking one piece.

For the last few weeks I've been attending NAMI meetings 2-3 times a week so haven't been home much. One night Hubby made tacos, but I'd had a few too many snacks at the meeting so I put my tacos in a plastic bag to have for lunch the next day. Nobody took my tacos.

I admit I complained in family therapy (which Hubby and I attend with Bear), but just a general whining about my chocolate and tacos being missing, not an actual accusation.

This morning Grandma called. Most of the kids had spent Saturday night as usual at her house. Grandma has a cabinet in her kitchen she calls the "Kids' Cabinet." It always has snack food in it (like Ritz Crackers, saltines, hot cocoa, applesauce, Koolaid...). We have one too, but ours has more whole grain "healthier" foods (popcorn for the air popper, honey nut generic cheerios, generic frosted mini wheats...).

Grandma had discovered that Bear had opened a brand new box of Cheerios instead of using the already open one in the Kids' Cabinet... which was annoying, but she could overlook. What upset her was that Bear had gotten into Poppy's Girl Scout cookies, eaten the entire box, carefully put it back together so it looked like it hadn't been touched, and put it back where he'd found it.

Today Bear missed the school bus home again. I asked Hubby to pick him up. When Hubby confronted Bear about the cookies, Bear admitted to eating a few (which wasn't OK since he hadn't asked permission), but denied eating the whole box.

Needless to say, I don't believe him.

I know why he lies and steals. I get it. I really do. But at the same time, if he feels there are no consequences then what's to stop him from escalating?

Today it's food, cell phones and MP3 players. Tomorrow? Now that he's 17, even that can get him in serious trouble. Plus he cannot seem to grasp that if we can't trust him then he'll never get the privileges he wants (driving, going places alone, independence...). Without checking with me first, Hubby took Bear for his first driving lesson last night. He said Bear is not going to be ready to drive for a long, long time.

Possible Consequences:

• LEVELS - like they have in residential treatment centers. Very concrete which works well for Bear, but really requires a major step up on supervision on our parts. Probably need alarms and to go back to locking the pantry. Plus it'd be very difficult to do at Grandma and Poppy's house and Hubby and I are barely even ships passing in the night as it is, we really need the respite.


• Letter of apology


• Pay back $6 (Girl Scout cookies are $3/box and stolen/broken items are reimbursed at double). The grandparents said they only have one chore that Bear is competent to do at their house - digging garden beds - but Bear already does this for "fun." I took the money for my chocolate that he ate out of his allowance, but he still owes over $80 for past stuff so allowance doesn't mean much to him. So it really needs to be extra chores.


• His Promise not to do it again.


• Online shoplifting class I found: http://shoplifting.net/eclass.htm - it's $55 and meets legal requirements so this won't be happening.


• Writing assignment about why he steals. (“I deserve X and am not getting it, so I steal to help fill that hole.” "I'm a bad person so I might as well steal." I used to need to steal to get what I needed, but now I have what I need, so I steal because ___________.)

While I'm at it, he also needs a consequence for "missing" the afterschool bus, which he does on a pretty regular basis which means someone has to go pick him up and he gets unsupervised time at school until they get there (which can be up to 45 minutes to an hour depending on how long it takes him to call me to tell me he missed the bus in the first place and what I'm doing.

To paraphrase the NAMI "Problem Solving Process" we're studying right now, it says you should:

1. Define the problem as specifically as possible and make sure you're only trying to solve one problem at a time (and it should be the one with the highest priority - starting with danger to self or others).


2. List all the things you've tried in the past. Cross out all the ones that didn't work (cause it makes no sense to keep doing something that doesn't work).


3. Enlist others if possible and brainstorm at least 7 more options (bringing the total up to at least 12 options).


4. Pick the choice you want to try first.


5. Pick a backup plan.
   

What really happened

Friday, November 5th

From what the school could piece together, talking to D (the kid who witnessed the alleged fight and drove Bear home), Mr. P (the teacher Bear argued with), the teacher of his last class of the day, and viewing the camera focused on the entrance to the shop area and talking to the teachers seen on camera talking to Bear and D... the assistant principal (AP) believes we finally have a pretty accurate picture of what really happened on Thursday. He confronted Bear with this info and got yet another story. He confronted Bear with the facts again (which still conflicted with Bear's new story) and got a third story that was a little more plausible, but still not the whole truth. *sigh*

The SRO (police officer permanently assigned to the school) talked to Bear after Bear'd talked to the AP. He told Bear that if Bear would admit the truth, then he would try to lighten the negative consequences of Bear's false deposition. Now that Bear is legally an adult (you can be criminally prosecuted as an adult at age 17 here in TX), then he could serve jail time for this Class B misdemeanor (0 to 90 days jail time and/or $500-1500 in fines - since neither Bear nor we have any money this would most likely be jail time). Bear went back to the original story. I think he might have thought if he stuck with the original story then he couldn't be prosecuted for making a false statement. Either way, he's now in BIG trouble. (He also trotted out a lot of his old tall tales for this new SRO - "his hands are registered lethal weapons" being one of them).

It's up to the original officer whether or not Bear will be given a ticket. Honestly we think Bear needs to get the ticket, because he needs to understand there are consequences, but I don't know that it will do any good. He's been to juvie. He thinks he can handle it, but of course it's all bluff. He's terrified, but in total denial of that. I don't think he really believes this will really happen. He told us in the car after school on the way to therapy that he was going to, "Sign something on Monday that will close the case." He thinks he can "drop the charges" against the other boy and this will all go away. Of course the other half of this is that it is all MY fault. I'm the one that called the police.

In an emergency therapy session after school (the therapist had previously contacted Hubby and cancelled this week's session. When he got the e-mail regarding this, he rescheduled), we confronted Bear with the video documented proof that his story was a crock of poo.

The actual events:

Bear did get in an argument with Mr. P., but he went to class. Apparently he told the teacher that he was upset and asked to go talk to Mr. V. (the teacher let him go and apparently didn't tell anyone when he didn't return! - this will be addressed in the next IEP meeting). Mr. V wasn't at the shop building (he'd left campus to run errands).

This is the point where Bear's story stops resembling the truth.

The entrance to the shop building is on camera! Bear is first seen entering the shop building within minutes of having been released from class. He and D are then seen hanging out in front of the building and walking in and out (never gone from sight more than a few minutes) until the camera shuts off about 5pm. D verifies that he and Bear worked in the shop until about 5:30pm at which point D had to get home. So he gave Bear a ride home.

D says Bear was not assaulted. Bear did bave a conversation with a kid who wanted Bear to return his homework (Bear had apparently borrowed it to copy), which Bear refused to do, but the argument was verbal - not physical. Most of the marks on Bear can be explained by what might happen to someone who is working with moving a heavy metal smoker (caught on film) and other stuff that would typically happen to an uncoordinated kid unsupervised in a shop class (yes, we will be having major conversations with the school about this as well - they said the room should not have been unlocked after school).

Bear still denied everything!! Hubby tried to get him to admit his lie. I know this bugs Hubby in a big way, but this is sooo futile. Bear is unable to do this, and badgering him about it just causes him to dig in. I finally just stopped it and said we needed to focus on what Bear was going to do now. "Keep moving forward!" Bear basically said he was going to be good. *sigh*

His therapist finally helped Bear come up with a plan. Bear is supposed to talk to the SRO on Monday and tell him a story (the truth! ... but Bear can't admit that), that fits the video evidence*, and see if that will hopefully convince the SRO to put in a good word for Bear that will convince the original deputy to not give Bear a ticket.

*Originally the therapist said Bear should tell the deputy a story that matched our (Hubby's and mine) story. I immediately corrected him and said this was not "our" story this was the school and video evidence. Bear blames me enough for all this as it is. After all it's "my fault" that the police got involved in the first place.

Next post is on consequences. I have no idea what we should give Bear for consequences, but he definitely has to have some. Suggestions?!!

Spring Break Schedule

I mentioned the Integrity Study that Bear lied about completing, partly because he didn't understand it. Lying and trust are HUGE issues in our house and we've had MANY problems with ALL the kids regarding them (Bob and Ponito usually lie about having completed chores when they didn't).

Saturday night (which the kids spent at Grandma's!) when I called, Kitty lied to me about having clean clothes to wear to church. We've had many hygiene issues with her, especially lately, and I'd specifically asked her point blank if she had clean undies, socks and clothes. I told her specifically that she absolutely could not wear the clothes she had on that day. On Sunday I confronted her and she lied again.

So I told her she was in the FAIR Club. Now unlike all the other children who hate the FAIR Club, for Kitty it is worse. It apparently triggers a PTSD reaction every time. For awhile we decided we just wouldn't put her in the FAIR Club (she just lived as though she were always in it - but without the writing assignments and extra chores); however she's older now and needed a wake-up call. In general Kitty is pretty honest too so for her I felt this lying needed to be nipped in the bud.

We got a pretty good meltdown, but were able to contain it. Wailing, railing, tears, distraction, and arguing ("give me one more chance, you never give me chances, you said no more FAIR Club, no one else goes in the FAIR Club)... we comforted but didn't relent, so it escalated... repeated threats to self and things, namecalling of parents... We stayed calm and persistant, and eventually she broodingly accepted that she would have to comply... until after storming out to the car and repeatedly banging the minivan sliding door open and closed she managed to break it.

Kitty came in absolutely terrified because she broke the car. She was already upset, so not thinking logically. Hubby came in understandably furious and Kitty freaked out. She started insisting that Hubby was going to hit her (which he has never done and would never do). She threatened to call the police on him (because he was 'going' to hit her) and I told her to go right ahead (that usually takes the wind right out of their sails!). She hung up the phone, and we were eventually able to calm her down enough to get her to listen to reason. Luckily Hubby was able to fix the car door. He told her part of her FAIR Club assignment was to pay $3 for him fixing it.

So solution for the FAIR Club writing assignment? ALL the kids will be doing the Integrity Study together. Bear still has to write out the bible verses and answer the questions, but he also has to participate in the discussion.

Here's our Spring Break Schedule:

8-9 am Up and dressed. (Ponito morning chores - dogs, fish and am dishes)
9am Integrity bible study with Mom
9:30 Daily chores and extras
10:30 Chore check (children with incomplete chores/attitude will be dropped
off with Mom at work)
11am Run errands and do things with Grandma
12-12:30 Lunch
12:30-1 Lunch dishes (Bob)
1-2 Grandma’s nap (quiet
activities/movie...) Bob may complete her online History test on Monday)
2-6 Errands or activities (up to Grandma). Computer time (optional) closely
supervised

Extras and Attitude (in addition to regular allowance - $1/ day for good attitude and meeting or exceeding parental standards on chores)

Spring Break Extra Chores - to be done by end of week. The house needs a good Spring Cleaning and they'll be home all week...

Bear –
__Clean and organize utility room – big focus on cleaning up rat droppings (can't tell you how freaked out I was when I heard a rat in the laundry room - luckily we were able to scare him away before he got into the rest of the house).

Ponito –
__Pick up hair in family room (it's tile so that's where I gave Ponito a major hair cut the night before - he no longer looks like a girl! Although at the moment I've let him have a fauxhawk - I'll cut it off before he goes back to school)
__Clean and organize Mom’s computer cubby including area in front of door

Kitty- (consequences for hygeine issues, Mom will be back in charge of her clothing).
__Move dresser to parent’s room
__Fill with clean clothes
__Clean cat vomit off pool table cover (she leaves bowls of food out most often. The cat eats...).
__ Clean downstairs windows inside and out

Bob
__Clean and organize Mom’s sewing room (this was part of an earlier agreement. Despite the room only being 6'x7', it's a huge task, but Grandma and I will help her with it_
__Clean and organize fabric stash, etc. in gameroom

I lost my house/car/mail/work/work mail keys over a week ago. I think it's time to offer a reward. Hmm... $1? $5? I'll have to think about it.

Stealing and dealing?

If you remember the stolen cell phone that I mentioned here, We had left it up to the school to do the detective work and consequences because we I get tired of being the bad guy.

So far no one has claimed the cell phone (although Bear did tell me someone had claimed it - presumably to end this). Beyond confirming that it hadn't actually been claimed, I haven't been able to get much out of the school.

They investigated how many Michaels there were at the school (8), but they didn't bother to tell Bear he had to find out the kid's last name or anything very proactive. Bear told us that the kid didn't want the phone back and that's why he hadn't claimed it. He said Michael's mom made Michael carry it and he didn't want it. Can you say "bull puckey?"

The last day of school is Friday, so I was pushing really hard to get this resolved. I finally got an e-mail from the Assistant Principal on Wednesday.

As for the phone, I've got a call in to Deputy A_____ {officer on duty at the school} to see if the phone matches any reported missing/stolen. At present, the information we have has not been enough to track down the owner. But without it being reported stolen, it is difficult to consequence him for stealing. There needs to be a victim for there to have been a crime, so I'm working to see if we can identify a victim.

Unless I find one though, I'm not in a position to consequence him; the consequence for a stolen cell phone is a placement at the Opportunity Center {like in school suspension, but on a closed campus with other kids who have broken a major school rule - like fighting, bringing drugs to school, bringing weapons to school... you know, all the kids I want Bear hanging out with}, so it is a big step and one that deserves more facts and
careful consideration.

If I find out more, I'll pass it along. I hope to connect with Officer A______ soon, but I don't know if he'll have anything to share or not.

I'm still furious that they did not pursue this - such as telling Bear that he HAD to tell the school the boy's last name or charging the phone. I responded with:

Since the cell phone is a “victim-less” crime, and therefore the school cannot go forward with any consequences, we would like to pick the phone up to get it charged and see if we can track down the owner ourselves. Please let me know when this would be possible.

This morning we came upon Bear when he wasn’t expecting us to be home (we had to leave him home alone for the first time in quite awhile, but came back to grab the camera for Ponito's award ceremony). We noticed Bear had a pair of handcuffs on the counter. Since we had allowed him to hang out with a friend of the family who has shown poor judgment in giving Bear things (the boy who gave Bear the pop gun to fix that Bear took to school to trade for drugs a couple of Summers ago), we checked with the boy. The boy had loaned them to Bear. I sent Bear with Grandma to return the handcuffs.

This meant that Bear was not able to take his usually permanently attached backpack with him so I had an opportunity to search it and his room (Bear no longer hides things in his room because he knows I search, but cannot stand to throw anything away which explains some of the things I find).

I found:
1. Two sample bottles of ADHD meds (the equivalent of speed) that he must have taken from our bathroom. Each bottle had a week's worth of meds. Luckily all the pills were still there, although some were in a small bag in another pocket. This is the med we had stopped, because it had caused Bear to have an adverse reaction a few weeks ago {jittery and manic}. One bottle was wrapped in his hat in his backpack, the other in his inside jacket pocket with the bag of pills.

2. Also in the small bag – 2 tabs of Melatonin which is an over the counter sleep aide and 150mg of Lamictal which is a black box mood stabilizer - there is a possibility that Bear thought the Lamictal was Melatonin and that’s why he hadn’t taken it. He has had issues with refusing to take the Melatonin in the past, and keeping them somewhere in his room.

3. Hair in his trash can. Bear told us that someone in ROTC (I don’t remember if it was the Sergeant or the SRO) told him if he didn’t have his hair cut by uniform check that Thursday that they would buzz it. He claimed they had. I spoke to someone in the ROTC, and they said they had not cut it. If you haven’t seen Bear recently he was shaved completely bald last Thursday. Obviously Bear cut it himself and lied about it.

4. Also in his backpack I found an industrial box cutter, the kind you can extend the blade from with a push of a button. We assume it was a weapon, as he has had issues with this in the past.

5. Miscellaneous contraband (not illegal, just not allowed in our house or in his room).

6. When we searched Bear, we discovered an iPod Shuffle 2G – green. Definitely not his. We assume it was stolen at school.

7. He did have time to hide almost anything once he knew I was looking (after the initial search). So he could have had something on his person or I missed something.

Obviously we need to know if anyone at school has reported the loss of an iPod Shuffle.

Bear is now under line of sight supervision, but we are not sure what consequences to give. As always, advice/suggestions are appreciated.

Hubby came home early from work and confronted Bear (who was holing up in his room to pout and avoid the community service I had arranged with a neighbor). Hubby ordered Bear to strip (down to underwear) to look for contraband, and had a long conversation with him.

 Bear claimed the box cutter was to protect himself from a kid at school. He claimed he took the ADHD meds to school because he'd been having trouble sleeping and wanted some extra energy for exams, but decided not to take it because the drug presentations he was working on in school were "getting through to him" and he didn't want to do anything like that anymore.

He then confessed to using and dealing drugs over 2 years ago before he entered the RTC. It is pretty typical for him to confess to things that happened so long ago that he can't be given consequences now. I think he hopes it will distract people from what is going on currently and even give him "brownie points" for being "truthful."

He claims he took the bottles the morning before when I was downstairs. I'm a bit of a packrat and tend to hang onto meds in case we alter doses in the future, run out, or one of the other kids is prescribed them later. The box the bottles came in didn't fit in the lock box (which wasn't locked anyway and was full - the kids take a lot of meds!). The box is in my bathroom, which can only be accessed through my bedroom, which our Bear is NEVER allowed to go in (because he's stolen things from our room before).

Luckily, today was the last day of school, only a half day, and Bear had finals to take, so apparently he wasn't able to sell or trade them. The pills were all still there. I don't think he got into anything else in my room.*sigh* One more thing to lock up.

I'm an idiot.




UPDATE:
I don't know if I ever wrote a follow-up post about this, but the school eventually returned the cell phone to "Michael." I asked them if they'd confirmed any of the other info Bear had given them (the boy had a sister playing on JV, his mom made him carry the phone, he'd left it in Bear's coat pocket vs Bear having stolen/ borrowed it...). The AP just stared at me, and admitted it had never occurred to him. *sigh* I guess it doesn't really make a difference in the long run.

A post about how we later handled
Lying and Stealing 

Forging ahead

We finally decided on consequences for Bear's drinking of Hubby's alcohol. He owes double the cost of the bottle, which was $45 so he owes us $90. We don't have any projects around the house so we've decided to loan him out to family and friends. Kind of like doing community service. I'm thinking $3/hr for manual labor is fair - so 30 hours. Of course the weather was uncooperative this weekend so he'll have to get started tomorrow. Hubby won't be home so I'm going to be the one enforcing this. *sigh* Wish me luck!

It bothers me that Bear has received very few consequences for what really was a pretty major event. Plus, we're all having to deal with some of his consequences. We've locked the pantry (to stop the midnight munching) and the laundry room which leads to the garage (to give us a place to lock up more food and keep him from sneaking out and hiding stuff). This means anytime we need food, to do laundry, to throw out trash, to get bikes or put them away... the kids have to find me. Hubby put his key on the car key chain so when I have the car...

--------------------------------------------------------------

This morning Bear brought me his weekly point sheet to be signed. This is for his special school. The one he won't be going to after this semester because he's "doing so well." He used to have to have these signed daily, but now he's a "Merit" student. Which means he's doing so well he gets extra privileges (of which the school has mentioned that sometimes he takes advantage - I know!! Color me shocked! *sarcastic emoticon*).

I quickly skimmed the teacher's notes on the point sheet. All positive - as usual. Then I notice some scribbles near where I usually sign my name. Kind of looks like when someone was writing the pen ran out of ink so they did that swirly scribble we all do to get the pen to start writing again. But what was being written was the beginning of MY signature!! Instantly suspicious, I pointed this out to Bear and asked why it looked like he'd started to sign my name. He of course denied it and claimed his pen had been running out of ink so he'd scribbled on the "nearest piece of paper" and proceeded to tell me he'd done it in several places on the card (when I looked at it later he hadn't).

I stopped talking. Why argue with him? He was escalating and obviously ready to try to intimidate convince me that he was right.

Hubby and I went to the school and informed them that we felt that Bear had tried to forge my signature. They got the card and Bear had rubbed off the part with the recognizeable beginning of my signature. (I'm so glad I'm a believeable adult). We were concerned that this was not the first time he'd forged my signature, especially since neither of us could remember having signed his cards in awhile. so we asked to look at earlier point cards... they weren't there.

The principal asked Bear where they were (they're supposed to have been turned in weekly and kept in a folder in one of the teacher's classrooms - this is the teacher that has been saying since the beginning that he doesn't know why Bear is at the special school to begin with, and never kept this from Bear). Bear said they were in his locker at his home campus.

They were ready for us to leave, when I pointed out that missing cards aside, we hadn't talked about any consequences for the forged card. As a Merit student Bear earns points that he can trade for stuff (this tends to be candy). He spends his points as soon as he has enough to trade for pretty much anything so he didn't have a lot, but his points were wiped and he will not be able to earn any more for the rest of the semester (he won't be at this school next semester).

So Hubby and I went to the home campus and searched - no cards. Called Bear... "Oh, maybe they're at home..."

For once the issue was finally about something school related! The school actually had to care. It was kind of a refreshing change. Hubby wanted to let things go a couple of times (like wait to confront Bear on the cards not being there until he got home), but I pushed to make sure that we took this as far as we could, because Bear will be under less scrutiny at his home school so I want to take advantage of the fact that this was something they would pay attention to (stealing and drinking are not their concern unless it is done on school campus).

I did go and search Bear's room (of course) and found the cards. Unsigned. Nothing negative on any of them. I didn't find any "practice" signatures either. Maybe this actually was his first attempt.

We question why he did this. There was nothing on the card that he wouldn't want us to see. Obviously he hadn't turned in cards in months so he most likely wasn't concerned he would get in trouble for not getting it turned in (I thought he might have done it at some point when I wasn't available). Maybe he was thinking he'd sign all the ones in his room so he could turn them in before the semester ended and just started with this one. The only thing I know for sure is that he won't tell me the truth.

And of course the big question -

What to do about this.

Hubby wants to start using the law as a guide. What would have happened if he'd been caught forging a signature on a document by the police? Sometimes that has helped us (fines, community service, house arrest...), but in this case the police wouldn't seem to care unless there is fraud, and then it depends on the monetary amount as to whether or not it's a felony.

Then there's the fact that Bear was already in trouble when he did this. When we were still using the FAIR Club, this meant he would go on Restriction. Maybe we'll still do this.

I'm sooo tired of this.

10 Ways to Tell He's Lying

This article is about dating relationships, but it seems very applicable to our life in a lot of ways.

10 Ways to Tell He's Lying
By dating editor Ranya Fattouh for Glamour

We're all guilty of a little white lie here and there, but when it comes to major dishonesty, there are a few telltale signs every woman should look for. Here are 10 tip-offs that he may be hiding something from you.

1. Your gut tells you something is wrong.
If you feel like something is off, it probably is. "It may not be exactly what your imagination is suggesting, but we don't experience knots for no reason," says Brenda Della Casa, author of "Cinderella Was a Liar: The Real Reason You Can't Find (or Keep) a Prince." Most women know they're being lied to long before they actually admit it, but they don't immediately act on their intuition. "Women tolerate a lot of excuses," says comedian Steve Harvey, author of "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man." "A guy that always has an excuse or lie as to why it didn't happen, why it couldn't happen, why it won't happen, is no good."

2. The details don't add up.
"Generally, liars mess up and change a detail in their story," says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a New York City-based clinical sexologist. Ask yourself: "Does this really make sense?" says Robert Feldman, author of "The Liar in Your Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships." "Look beyond what he's saying and try to be an objective observer of his behavior."

3. He suffers from TMI (or TLI -- that's Too Little Information!).
Guys who lie tend to give too much information or keep very quiet -- be cautious of both. "You know your guy and you know when he's not acting like himself. If your guy is chatty and suddenly he's not, something's up. If your guy is very quiet and suddenly he's giving you too many details, something's up," says Jenny Lee, coauthor of "Women Are Crazy, Men Are Stupid."

4. He refuses to get personal.
Most people who are comfortable in a relationship are open to sharing details of their lives. If a guy is unusually distant and keeps almost everything about himself secret, he's probably holding something back. "Don't be fooled by a guy who says 'that's too deep; I don't want to discuss that.' Good guys will appreciate the depth of your questions; liars will run from them," says Harvey.

5. He starts covering his tracks.
If your guy is constantly deleting his browser history or shutting down his email, or if there are numerous occasions where it's impossible to reach him, you might want to get out of there -- fast. "If you're with a guy who carries two cell phones, but one of them never rings, or if he only pays in cash or immediately heads for the shower when he gets home, those are all major red flags," says Nancy Dreyfus, author of "Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love: Relationship Repair in a Flash."

6. He's super defensive.
"If you find that he pauses a lot when responding to your questions, becomes overly fidgety and defensive, or can't look you in the eye, be suspicious that he might not be telling you the truth," says Kerner.

7. He repeats his story.
"Men tend to say the truth just once," says Howard J. Morris, coauthor of "Women Are Crazy, Men Are Stupid." "It's the truth, after all. It doesn't need to be repeated three times."

8. He constantly blames you.
Although it's natural for a guy to be a little testy when interrogated, if you notice that he's always shifting the blame so that you look like the guilty party, question his motives. "If every concern you have gets twisted around and thrown back at you, he's pulling a classic guilty-man move. Keeping you on the defensive keeps him out of trouble," says Della Casa.

9. He has an answer for everything.
Watch out for excuses that are very buttoned up, a little too perfect, and rehearsed. "If you find yourself making sense of something that doesn't make sense or making exceptions, stop yourself," says Dreyfus.

10. He makes the lies seem like no big deal.
Liars have an advantage because what they say is what we want to hear, and they know it. Even if he's feeding you little lies that make you feel good about yourself, remember that they are lies. "It's hard to constantly be thinking, Is this the truth, is this not the truth? Even if it seems innocent enough, someone who lies about little things is going to lie about big things," says Feldman. "If you do stay in the relationship, rebuild trust slowly and be clear that if he lies again, it's over."

More Skipping and lies

Bear had been telling us he wanted to drop football because he is stuck on JV second string (worst you can get and still be on the team - and they take everybody who tries out by the way). He hates not being a big deal. Plus it's HOT HARD WORK. Hubby told him he needs to finish something he started. All of Bear's friends and the principal at his school, one of his favorite teachers... all have told him he needs to stick with it. So I ignored his continuous whining about his many psychosomatic complaints.



Bear has also been continuously manipulating us to try to get to spend unsupervised time with his friends, in particular his girlfriend. I've tried to outmanuever him every time. Like when he told Grandma to just drop him off at 1pm so he could pick up his books and then go to football practice, when I knew it wouldn't take more than a few minutes to get his books and football practice didn't start until 4pm. I let him go to the school, but Grandma and all the kids stayed with him the whole time.



Thursday he told us he wanted to go to school early so he could help the ROTC with something. I figured his girlfriend would be meeting him there or something, so I told him no. The whole family was working on moving our office to the new location all day. Grandma dropped him off just in time for him to go to lift weights (which he probably wasn't scheduled to do, but we couldn't get any info about his schedule from the coaches). He had a game on Friday so we were supposed to pick him up at 6pm and had decided to go out to eat soon after instead of our usual Friday because of the game.

6:15pm, practice is out, but no Bear. Grandma has the kids ask the coach, nope, Bear didn't go to practice. They search the grounds - no Bear. Hubby and I were on our way back from visiting Kitty so we swung by to look too.

We called his girlfriend, but her phone was turned off. I left a message ayway stating we were getting ready to call the police if we didn't hear from him within the next few minutes. Almost immediately after, we get a call from Bear. He's waiting at the gym door and Grandma is not there. Yea right!

Bear denies that he skipped practice. We leave a message for the head coach and go on to dinner. Knowing he's lying, but no proof...yet.

He spends 1 1/2 hours after bedtime talking to Hubby. He wants to quit football and go to ROTC. Still lying about going to practice.

Friday morning. Coach calls. Bear was not at practice.

Bear says he wasn't lying because he was at practice. He just didn't participate. Keep pushing, well... he was there, but he wasn't actually inside the fence. He was just outside the fence, under a tree with a group of other boys most of the time. He'd also helped out with the ROTC thing he'd said he wanted to help with earlier.

It was our fault because he'd TOLD us he wanted out of football and we didn't listen. Hubby's biggest issue is with lying and Bear knows this. *sigh*

We made him tell the coach in person that he was dropping football (the coach apparently ripped into him some - *yea!* Told him all the same things Hubby and Bears friends said).

The school principal pulled some strings and got Bear into ROTC (he has to have something to replace athletics). We're not thrilled because we feel he "won" by skipping and lying. Don't know how else we could have handled it though.

He's grounded for 2 weeks. No phone calls. He's "fine with that." He is "thinking of breaking up with her anyway."

Manipulative Bear

Bear tells me that GirlFriend's Mom wants to meet me. Finally! I was beginning to wonder if she had parents. He says he has to be ungrounded by Friday so he can hang out with GF and her mom. He knows I will not allow him to hang out with GF out of my sight unless I approve the adult supervisor.

So I say OK (cause I'm easily manipulated apparently). He says GF's mom is going to go swimming with the family so I have to come (Grandma takes the kids swimming every day at 4pm). OK, I can squeeze that in to my schedule (somehow).

Friday rolls around and around 10am, Bear informs me that GF and her mom will be "in the neighborhood" and will be coming to our house at noon, and is it OK if GF stays with us while her mom runs some errands?

Wait! Noon?!! As in less than 2 hours from now? As in, I'm still in my workout clothes and have a ton of work to get done? As in we'd have to feed them lunch? Nuh uh. No way. She can't come before 1pm.

Wait, what did I just say? No, not 1pm... 2pm at the earliest! I have got to get some work done. (Hubby later, much later, points out that he still managed to arrange this to be 2 hours earlier than originally planned. Somehow that part I missed. Guess I'm still not getting enough sleep).

At 2pm I'm buried in my computer up to my neck. Bear asks Grandma to take him to pick GF up. Mom approved her coming over. (Only later in talking about my day to Hubby do I realize... how did this go from meeting her mom to us going to get her for a date?).

At 3pm I surface, where's the Mom? Oh she had to run some errands. She'll be here around 5:30pm. What?! I have to be at therapy at 5:30pm. So now I won't even be meeting her? I know I'm being manipulated, but the girl is already here and her mom is mysteriously not. Bear assures me the mom will try to be here before I have to leave.

5:15pm. The mom shows up. 7 wet kids running around (my 4, her 1 and my 7 yr old niece and almost 10 yr old nephew). I have to leave to get to therapy. Not exactly a good time to have "the talk" with the woman. We exchange pleasantries and more importantly, phone numbers. And I'm 10 minutes late to therapy.

Skip ahead to Sunday night (cause of course I have no time to call the woman). Bear is talking to GF on the phone and wants to know if he can accompany them while the girl is school shopping. Normally would be an OK activity, but I still don't know if I can trust this woman. After all, she left her daughter unsupervised for most of the Summer in an empty house with teenagers of both sexes running around. So I tell Bear I have to talk to the mom - without him or GF present.

GF's mom informs me that she doesn't like the GF's best friend because the girl is not a good influence and the girl's mother has been known to give the kids alcohol (the girls are 14 and 16). They also let the best friend drive her grandmother's car and she doesn't have a license. Luckily her daughter knows better than to ever get in a car with the girl.

Gotta love Mom networks:

GF's Mom finds out that Best friend drove GF to our house several times. That I know for a fact that the Bestfriend and her little sister were alone with teenage boys in the house and no adults present for most of the Summer (Hubby searched the house once when we couldn't find Bear - we didn't find Bear that time, but there were no adults and Bear's guy friends were there with GF, Bestfriend, and Bestfriend's sister).

GF found out that Bear had skipped over a week of school and we're positive he was with GF for most of that time .

I found out that GF is on the pill (one less worry for me) and was in big trouble last school year for skipping school 47 times (another great role model for my son. Where does he find these girls? I still think he has a sign on his forehead saying "only chicks with major issues need apply!").

Here's the big one - GF's father is NOT DEAD! This was his big excuse for her to come over the day before his birthday even though he was grounded. GF's mom says she's OK with GF saying her dad is dead because he is terminally ill and practically in a coma. GF hasn't seen him in 6 years. I'm OK with her saying he's dead too, but not that he DIED on THURSDAY and she needs support from her boyfriend because her family abandoned her and went to Six Flags.

So...
I banned the Bestfriend and her sister from our house and my kids aren't allowed to talk to them on the phone either. Bear is OK with this because apparently the Best friend has been trying to break Bear and GF up because she's jealous. I've been telling Kitty for weeks that she's too young to hang out with a junior in highschool (Bestfriend) and apparently Kitty hasn't talked to the sister that's closer in age to Kitty in weeks. I don't want the kids around someone who lies to my face (about Bear being at her house), illegally drives and apparently has no problems with taking others with her, and whose parents allow drinking, driving, and leave a 14 year old girl completely unsupervised all Summer.

I told Bear he was grounded for another week and he got extremely upset. I told him I was upset because I feel I can't trust him and he lied about GF's father dying so he could break his grounding. He stated that he shouldn't get grounded for a whole week when he didn't know it was a lie.

After Hubby and I talked it over we decided that the GF was grounded (from him). He can't talk to her on the phone or see her at all for a week.

I still need to discuss ways for him to start building trust again. That's a huge one because I don't think it's possible. He is good for 95% of the time. The problem is during that remaining 5% of the time, he doesn't think about consequences, he just acts.

We tried to explain it to him using the points and level system he has at school and had in treatment. A kid who was trouble all the time is easier to handle in some ways. They struggle and work hard on a daily (or hourly or minute by minute even!) to manage their behavior. They slowly move up the levels (or not). Then there's kids like Bear.

After a short time figuring out how it all works, he quickly goes to the top level and stays there. Everyone keeps insisting, why is this kid even in this program?! But when he does something wrong - it's always huge (drugs, guns, police). Maybe because he's so sneaky it's not until he's under scrutiny that everything comes to light. Sometimes I think he's deliberately sabotaging himself so that he won't be moved out of the restrictive environment that makes him feel safe (while at the same time he's learned he likes it on the top level because it has lots of privileges and it's easier to manipulate the system). Or maybe he needs the structure and restriction of being in a program like this and when we lighten up (like in the Summer time) he can't handle it. Probably all of the above.

So what do I do? I know I need to continue to advocate for him staying in the special program at school. He keeps showing us that he needs it. At home, I think I need to stop bending to the pressure to treat him like a normal 16 year old boy and keep him in a restricted environment. I think he even knows it's what he needs.

Would love any advice for helping him develop the ability to think before he leaps and actually be motivated not to do do something because of the consequences of his actions. He just doesn't get it.

Just when you thought it was safe...

*Oops! Found this post from last week!*

We "laid off" Bear's therapist yesterday. He started doing the EMDR therapy (insurance hates paying two therapists), and is doing sooooo well that we decided he didn't needed to see two therapists anymore.



Bear and I went to Bear's last visit and told the therapist how well Bear is doing - even I, who have major trust issues, haven't found anything major to be concerned about. He's making all As, the special school he is attending thinks he's ready to start transitioning back to regular high school full-time, he's working his lawn care "business," he seems to be handling money OK, he dumped the neighbor girl with major issues, and seems to be handling her well... The therapist gave him some general advice (keep avoiding dating "yahoos," value your family, focus on positive goals...), and I told him I'd keep him posted.



So after the session is over, while the therapist is running my credit card (out of the room), Bear informs me that he wants to get a restraining order for the ex-girlfriend. He says she has been "stalking him" and following him when he's working trying to get him to take her back. He'd told me last week that she'd said she'd dump the girl she's been dating (?!!) and if he doesn't take her back she'll start cutting again. I was very proud of how he'd handled the situation (and guilty because I hadn't talked to her mom yet about this like I told him I would).



Apparently though she'd recently threatened to cut him. He says he offered her a tool from his toolbox and said basically, "go for it, but know that I will hurt you if you do." She declined. Not only was I less than thrilled with his handling of this situation, but he claims this all occurred in front of Ponito. NOT OK.



I told him I wish he'd discussed this during therapy, and we'd talk more later, but to me this didn't change how well I believed he was doing...



So I get a call from Bear's special school to talk about the plans for next year's schooling. The subject of Bear's behavior came up, and the principal stated he was very happy overall, but commented that Bear was starting to take advantage of the privileges that his good behavior afforded him. Things like - he's allowed to drink one soda during the day, but he drinks several. He is allowed to have fast food lunch brought in on occasion (if he pays for it), but is begging for this privilege often. He's also done some manipulation of the staff (asking one for some privilege, and when they say no, asking another).



Nothing major, but just a reminder that he's not perfect.



Last night Kitty got up to use the restroom and came to Hubby to tell him that there was candy on the bathroom counter. Kitty gets very hyper when given candy so it is rare that we have any in the house. Kitty is apparently having issues with constipation again, so Hubby had to go in the bathroom to... well you don't need to know what the poor man had to do, suffice it to say it's a good thing he has a strong stomach and no sense of smell... aaanyway he discovered that there really was candy in there. No one uses that restroom during the day except Bear, and no one but Bear would feel safe leaving their possession out (everyone else knows that their things would be taken, Bear's stuff is rarely touched - not necessarily because he's the one doing the taking, but because everyone is intimidated by him enough to leave his stuff alone).



So this morning I did a room search on Bear's room and found what was left of an entire bag of the candy under the edge of his bed, with empty wrappers everywhere. I had placed an unopened bag of this candy on the desk in my cubby for use as a reward to the kids when Kitty has a meltdown (- makes her crazy by the way, but doesn't seem to have the intended result of making her stop the meltdowns so they don't get candy). The bag was, of course, missing.



Despite MANY reminders and threats of consequences, Bear cannot seem to get out of the bathroom until 5 minutes after the bus is supposed to arrive. (Today I worked out with the school that the bus will stop waiting for him longer than the 3 minutes they are supposed to wait - he's not going to learn to be ready on time if they keep accommodating this, and driving him to the public high school next school year will be really inconvenient.) As usual he didn't have time to make lunch or breakfast, and was headed straight out the door, when Hubby stopped him to ask about the candy.



Bear immediately lied and said it was just a few pieces given to him at school. Hubby asked why he had the bag then. Bear, thinking quickly, said one of the teachers had given him a few pieces and just left them in the bag. Hubby asked point blank if Bear had taken it from my cubby. Bear said no. He also said Ponito had eaten some too.



So I called the school, and talked to the principal who confronted Bear. Bear had had the whole trip on the bus to come up with a better story. He told the principal that one of the teachers had given it to him. The principal brought in the teacher, who denied having given him candy in a long time. Bear claimed he didn't like candy much so he'd "saved" it from way back then, and then he claimed that he'd bought the bag from the store with his lawn money.



**sigh**


When we confronted him about the lying (and stealing) he denied it, Hubby started to reason with him and get him to admit the truth, but I quickly stopped him. This just makes Bear lie more. Bear saw that he wasn't going to be able to argue us into believing him, so he got angry and stormed upstairs (this is actually kind of cool - he didn't run away from the house or get violent). Hubby followed him and calmed him down.
I gave him a FAIR club assignment which he finished at record speed so he could get out sooner. Life was mostly back to normal very quickly, but I'm back to not trusting him.

Lunch Money

Hubby decided to talk to Bear about the lunch money issue. Bear claimed that he’d only borrowed about $10 from a friend and that back when he had money earlier he’d been loaning some of it to his friends so they were just “paying him back.” He claimed a teacher had given him money for a school lunch a couple of weeks ago that he didn’t believe he was supposed to pay back. (According to the school he’s been getting lunches a couple of times a week and many drinks and snacks). He continued to claim that he didn’t take his brother’s money.

I’ve been flat on my back with stomach flu all weekend so didn’t have any input into this. Hubby has major issues with disciplining kids when he’s not 100% sure they did it. So Bear has pretty much gotten away with this. I am obviously not in agreement at all, but by the time I recovered it was already done. I’ve asked the school to let me know if they have any more evidence, but I’m assuming we will never be able to “prove” that Bear lied about this.

I think this kind of thing only makes Bear's illness worse. He will see this as having gotten away with it. Things like losing trust will not register with him. It will only be one more reason to feel persecuted by me when I don't allow him to do something because I don't trust him - "for no reason." I hate stomach flu! Maybe I should still confront him now that I'm better - after all it would be harder to lie to me since I actually talked to the school director, but he'll have had lots of time to come up with yet another story. *sigh*

Yes, Kitty there is a Santa Claus

Santa still comes to our house. Several years ago he brought us our Husky, Scarlet Claus. This year he brought us a 50" flat screen TV because "Scarlet said we'd been really good this year." (Our main TV had died).

When Kitty and Bear moved in (November 4th!) we told them that if you said you didn't believe in Santa Claus, he wouldn't come. This was my "subtle" way of saying do not tell your siblings if you don't believe! I have NEVER said I do not believe in Santa, and was thrilled that Bob and Ponito still believed, as far as I could tell, at least until last year.



So in therapy awhile back, Kitty confronted me on the Santa issue. She had accused me of lying to her. I said I do not lie. She said, I know Santa existed a long time ago, and that the "spirit of Christmas" still exists, but I want you to tell me that Santa Claus doesn't exist as a person now, and if you don't then you are lying to me.

The therapist confronted her and asked her to stop. I repeated my previous statements that if you say you don't believe in Santa he won't come, but other than that refused to answer. Was I wrong? Should I have told her that Santa doesn't exist? Am I lying?

She thinks children should never be told that Santa exists. That adults are lying to kids. It is so sad that she wants to deprive everyone of the joy in believing in magic probably because she didn't get to experience it herself. She assured me that none of my children believe anymore - she claims friends at school told them. She was the one to tell her little sisters that Santa didn't exist (they would have been at most 3 and 6).

I do allow the children to watch some shows and read books about witches and wizards (Wizards of Waverly place, Sabrina the teenage witch, and Harry Potter - before they got so violent), but we often talk about the fact that magic and ghosts and things are not real. I do not allow the kids, especially Kitty, to watch violent, gory, scary shows (no matter how much she begs), because Kitty seems to have difficulty processing it. You've also heard my opinions on how media negatively influences children. I try to raise my children to be respectful, responsible, honest and happy to the best of my ability.

I rarely lose my temper with the kids, and I am not a liar. The ONE time I lost my temper, was in a crabby, irritable mood with the kids and yelled at them was early on in their lives with us and I went on an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety medication almost immediately after. This is CONSTANTLY thrown in my face by both Bear and Kitty (as an example of how it must be OK to get angry and yell since I did it).

I fully expect Santa to be Kitty's example proving that I am a liar. Kitty talks often of the two times that Bob got into a physical altercation with her - as though they happened yesterday instead of almost 2 years ago. This is her reason why she doesn't get along with Bob - because Bob is mean and hits her. Yet, both children have no memory or tolerance for us bringing up times when they lied, got physical or acted out. Their slate is wiped clean and if we use it as a reason not to trust them, then we are "holding a grudge," if the child doesn't deny it completely. That is in the past and irrelevant.

This is so frustrating. Does telling children that Santa is real make me a liar? Do I have to be perfect to parent these children? When I am not perfect, how do I convince them that this doesn't mean they can do anything they want all the time just because I did it once?!

Phhbbt!

So Wednesday night we took Kitty to the psychiatrist. I asked him about possible bipolar disorder (Bear has it) as her moods are swinging hard. It's so confusing because it could be hormones, starting school, biomom giving birth, but who knows! She is so angry and defiant sometimes, but it's just out of the blue lately. We had moved past this, but maybe it's just time to revisit it. *sigh*

So the psychiatrist said we have to get her tested by a psychologist. No worries, I called the one who saw her a little over a year ago. He doesn't take our insurance. I called the insurance company to find someone who does. They couldn't find us in the system! They would say, "Oh here you are!" and then say it would be the account through my husband's former employer, or they found Kitty, but under her birth name, or they found Hubby, but couldn't access his account. My favorite part? They switched us to another person who was very nice. She said she'd found Kitty, but for some reason she wasn't associated with any account and they had her last name wrong. She is fixing it for me, but it will take 5-7 business days to get it correct and be able to tell me what our benefits are! *sigh* I love insurance!

So after getting off the phone with the insurance person it was time for Bear's therapy. We started with the "Pumpkin Patch incident" and the Ipod borrowing incident. As usual, he was telling the truth and someone else "misunderstood." The therapist got Bear to admit that he lies, steals and is sneaky, and that he should not expect us to have a lot of trust.

Hubby approached the knife issue in an interesting manner. He said, that following the conversation we just had, he knew it was going to be very difficult for Bear to tell the truth. That he wanted Bear to stop and think before he answered Hubby's questions and be sure it was the truth. He then asked if Bear felt threatened and unsafe by anyone in the last few months. Bear said he felt threatened by some kids at school and that he always made sure he was near a teacher. Well, we know he has PTSD. Hubby worked his way around to dicussing what Bear was doing about it - whether or not he had any weapons (at this point I'm sure Bear knew he was busted) so he admitted to the knife, but claimed he gave it away (but the boy may not have heard him say he could keep it). Basically he tld the truth, largely, but I sincerely doubt it was completely.

So the question was why hadn't he told us. Well that was because we weren't around enough of course and never listen to him! When he tried to talk to me I "didn't listen" and "spend too much time on the computer." Hubby was "always working" and never does anything with him. The therapist said this was a recurring theme in their sessions. Bear said his foster brothers had never talked to him and his foster dad was always too busy (this is funny because he always says he wanted Hubby to go hunting and fishing with him like foster dad always did!). Bear said the reason he wanted to be adopted was to have a family that would spend time with him. He started crying and talking about how he wanted to spend time with us.

Am I a horrible person that it didn't really move me? The therapist asked, again, how much time I spend on the computer. I told him I usually go on the computer about the time I put the littles to bed (about 8:30) - this is less time than I used to spend, in fact I deliberately started putting it off until then after the last time I got fussed at by the therapist (before, I would get on as soon as I was done with dinner because the kids were all just sitting around watching TV). Bear tends to corner me in my computer cubby about 5 minutes before bedtime and talk for about 10 minutes after bedtime.

Today, Hubby and I talked with Bear and the therapist about how he always wants to talk on his schedule instead of ours. He didn't think it was fair that we only wanted to talk when it was convenient for us! Impasse. I mentioned that I'm available for hours before bedtime, but he's off doing something else. The therapist said he needs to join in the activities - helping with dinner? And that bedtime is a vulnerable time and I needed to stay off the computer until after Bear goes to bed.

So tonight I come downstairs from tucking in the littles, and Bear and Hubby are watching ESPN - not interesting to me (or really to Hubby, but they're together). So I got on my computer. 10 minutes later Bear hunts me down in my study - the boy has the attention span of a gnat. We talk for about 5 minutes about whaat he wants to do with his day off tomorrow, and then he decides to go to bed early. I don't want to sit around waiting for him to have time to talk to me. I don't want him to feel totally ignored either. Not sure how to handle this.

Now the really fun part. I'm getting on my computer later so it's later when I get done with my e-mail, blog reading, forum reading, and blog writing. Now I get to go upstairs and take a bath. Lets hope it's not after midnight again. Maybe if I get more sleep I won't actually need the mood stabilizer!

Sweet dreams!

Mary