25Qs of Christmas

Welcome to the Christmas edition of getting to know your friends. 25 Q's of Christmas:

Okay, here's what you're supposed to do, and try not to be a SCROOGE!!! Change all the answers so that they apply to you. Then send this to a whole bunch of people you know. INCLUDING the person that sent it to you......This the season to be NICE!

> > 1. Wrapping paper or gift bags? Gift bags every couple of years when I’ve “saved up” enough.
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> > 2. Real tree or Artificial? A real artificial tree (no pretend one for us!). My mom is allergic to trees and I found a beautiful 7 foot tree several years ago - after one of the dogs ate the trunk of the previous artificial tree.
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> > 3. When do you put up the tree? Always on the day after Thanksgiving, although it takes weeks before we get all the boxes and stuff put away. We have a beautifully decorated tree surrounded by 8 Rubbermaid tubs, and the cover we keep the tree in when we’re not using it.
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> > 4. When do you take the tree down? Ummm… we usually try to put it up before my youngest son’s birthday February 8th. ;>) Although the kids are lobbying to keep it up year round and decorate it for different holidays.
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> > 5. Do you like eggnog? Yep, but I’m the only one. I make a lowfat version using skim milk and instant pudding!
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> > 6. Favorite gift received as a child? Probably a stuffed animal, but I really don’t remember anything particular – guess I’m too old! I do remember that I had a horse and a trampoline on there and never got either for Christmas!
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> > 7. Hardest person to buy for? My oldest son. He won’t ask for anything. Can’t give him tools - he’s used them as weapons. Can’t give him books - he doesn’t read. Can’t give him music players (like an Ipod) – he’ll listens to inappropriate stuff (already has an MP3 player with appropriate music). Can’t give him a phone – he calls inappropriate people. Can’t give him video games – his attention span is too short. Can’t give him clothes – he has too many and isn’t growing anymore. Guess he’ll be getting a lot of cologne! > >
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> > 8. Easiest person to buy for? My youngest son. He’s young enough to still like toys!
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> > 9. Do you have a nativity scene? Probably 3 or 4. They’re in the box I haven’t unwrapped yet.
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> > 10. Mail or email Christmas cards? Nope.
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> > 11. Worst Christmas gift you ever received? Perfume – I’m allergic. Although I could usually trade for something better with my sisters who liked the “stinky stuff.”
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> > 12. Favorite Christmas Movie? The Grinch Who Stole Christmas – the cartoon version, not that inappropriate one with Jim Carey
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> > 13. When do you start shopping for Christmas? A little all year round. I love resale shops so you have to get things when you see them. Usually November/early December for the rest, but no money this year so haven’t started.
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> > 14. Have you ever recycled a Christmas present? All the time. I give them to people I think would like them. (See #11).
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> > 15. Favorite thing to eat at Christmas? chocolate fudge or pie (but how is that different from the rest of the year!) – I’m keeping Kitty’s answer! I do love my Mom’s homemade cinnamon roll Christmas tree – it’s so beautiful AND yummy!
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> > 16. Lights on the tree? Tons of little white ones that I wrapped the first year and then left on – major advantage to an artificial tree!
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> > 16a. Here's another…how about tinsel???? Yuck, what a mess!
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> > 17. Favorite Christmas song? Christmas Shoes – always makes me cry!
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> > 18. Travel at Christmas or stay at home? Kids want to visit relatives in Nebraska, but with no money to travel – we have to stay home.
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> > 19. Can you name all of Santa's reindeer'.. Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen and of course, Rudolph!
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> > 20. Angel on the tree top or a star? Angel that lights up – gift from MIL
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> > 21. Open the presents Christmas Eve or morning? Christmas Eve we open one gift – traditionally new PJs – last year we added a book. Because I was having trouble sticking to the 3 Present Rule (Jesus only got 3 presents at Christmas and my kids already have too many things so last year we started the 3 present rule – I couldn’t make myself only buy 3 items, but I put them all in one box and that counted. One big gift –bike, bed, contact lenses, Heelys. One school gift – personalized magazine holders for their desks, glittery pen and pencil sets, and lots of books. One matching gift – they all got MP3 players already loaded with “appropriate” Christian music.)
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> > 22. Most annoying thing about this time of the year? All my kids whining about the lack of snow.
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> > 23. What theme or color are you using? I like burgundies and forest green with a dark blue thrown in, but really we aren’t picky anymore.
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24. Favorite for Christmas dinner? (See 15!). Turkey, ham, sweet potatoes with marshmallows, homemade rolls, pies… it’s not really any different from Thanksgiving
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> > 25. What do you want for Christmas this year? Our company’s financial situation to finally turn around, a vehicle that gets great gas mileage and holds 8, the willpower to lose 50lbs, and while I’m at it – WORLD PEACE! (and maybe another child – but don’t tell Hubby, he’ll know I’ve completely lost my mind !). Yea, I know. I’m always hard to shop for!

Positive Attitude - Choosing Joy

I got this in an e-mail right after hearing Sunday's lesson. God is really making sure that I "get" this!

We call it choosing joy. Every day I try to focus on the positives. It's hard as heck, but it is important. I vent, but limit it to a maximum of 3 vents, even less if I can. I needed lots of validation that what I was doing was the right thing. Over time I eventually began to believe it, and that makes me feel better about myself. I look back at the Godincidences (like reviewing my blessings) that came out of what frequently seemed like tragedies at the time. I try to focus on how many of these “tragedies” have made me a stronger, better person. Most importantly I focus on the positives and Choose Joy, like the little old lady in the nursing home.

If we could all live life with this attitude, the world (and we) would be so very different!

A 92-year-old, petite, poised and proud lady, who is fully dressed each morning by eight o'clock, with her hair fashionably coifed and makeup perfectly applied, even though she is legally blind, moved to a nursing home today. Her husband of 70 years recently passed away, making the move necessary.
After many hours of waiting patiently in the lobby of the nursing home, she smiled sweetly when told her room was ready.

As she maneuvered her walker to the elevator, I provided a visual description of her tiny room, including the eyelet sheets that had been hung on her window. "I love it," she stated with the enthusiasm of an eight-year-old having just been presented with a new puppy. "Mrs. Jones, you haven't seen the room ... just wait." "That doesn't have anything to do with it," she replied.

"Happiness is something you decide on ahead of time. Whether I like my room or not doesn't depend on how the furniture is arranged... it's how I arrange my mind. I already decided to love it. It's a decision I make every morning when I wake up. I have a choice; I can spend the day in bed recounting the difficulty I have with the parts of my body that no longer work, or get out of bed and be thankful for the ones that do."

Each day is a gift, and as long as my eyes open I'll focus on the new day and all the happy memories I've stored away ... just for this time in my life. Old age is like a bank account ... you withdraw from what you've put in. So, my advice to you would be to deposit a lot of happiness in the bank account of memories.

Remember the five simple rules to be happy:
1. Free your heart from hatred.
2. Free your mind from worries.
3. Live simply.
4. Give more.
5. Expect less.
Wonderful Advice....for all of us.

The right attitude

In Sunday School we are doing a bible study on Dickens The Christmas Carol (with Ebenezer Scrooge). We watched the first part (Scrooge in the office and then at home with Jacob Marley warning him of the spirits that would be visiting). We were supposed to watch this part while thinking about selfishness and generosity.

I'm sure the entire class gets sick of me comparing everything to my kids, but once again this lesson really brought home a lot of insight for me (and I'm an extroverted person who loves to share!).

There was the obvious Scrooge is selfish stuff, but the generosity was more interesting for me. In this version, Scrooge's clerk, Bob Cratchit was perpetually happy, no matter how miserable he "should" have been. Here's a guy who works for an uncaring skinflint, makes very little money, has many children, including a boy who is sick and lame, and yet won't listen to one bad word about his boss. The nephew who has been rejected by Scrooge over and over, and married for love in spite of his uncle's wishes, continually asks Scrooge over for dinner. As he lives he wishes the old Humbug "Merry Christmas" and throws a "Happy New Year" in for good measure! On his way out he stops and talks to Bob about his family and even asks about Tiny Tim (the lame child). He is a truly generous and caring person.

One of the other members of my Sunday School class pointed out that infants are by their very nature selfish. They are completely unable to care for themselves. One thing I learned while working in childcare is that children do not develop empathy until they are three. This means that a small child CANNOT understand how other people are feeling. Sharing is something they do because others make them. Biting is something they do because noone is preventing them from doing it, they're bored, or they like seeing the reaction it always gets ("biting back" makes no sense to them because they don't understand that what hurts them would hurt others - that requires empathy). I told the teachers and parents I worked with that this doesn't mean we don't bother with teaching them - they still need to learn and practice the words, but you can't be mad at them for not understanding. They are just too little and their brains haven't developed yet.

As kids develop we teach them empathy, caring, forgiveness, compassion, and generosity. We usually do this by example/ role modeling, which is a much better way to learn than lecture. Of course Kitty and Bear didn't get these lessons or many good examples, and developmentally they are just barely old enough to understand some of them.

The hard part for me is to be the generous person who cares for the selfish person. And to keep remembering that they don't understand and I have to "give them the words." It's much easier with cute, little helpless babies. A favorite saying around here is, "But they're cute?!" - meaning they're a pain in the rear sometimes, but they have redeming qualities and we love them anyway!

Trying hard to be a Cratchit and not a Scrooge this holiday season!

Letter to biomom

Still need to blog about Kitty's meltdown with the AT, but I wanted to share this letter I decided to e-mail to biomom. I hope I made a good choice.






Hi (Biomom),

I realized it had been awhile since I’d sent you any pictures. These are from Bear’s birthday. He was being awfully silly! His hair has grown out even more since then and he has gorgeous curls! The bandages on his arm and hand are from tattoo removals (don’t know when he did these to himself, but it was before he came to us. Removing them was his decision.).

Both Bear and Kitty are making good grades. Bear made all As on his last report card and Kitty was pretty close. They’re still having a tough time in school, but are working hard to get caught up. Everyone is impressed with how hard Kitty works to compensate for her learning disabilities.

Kitty in particular is asking a lot of questions about her birth father lately. She eventually wants to search for him. Any additional information you have would be greatly appreciated. You mentioned he was in his 40s – I assume you mean now and that he was in his 30s then? Do you know what state he was from? The name of the fair. Anything that might be helpful? Also we would love any photos or stories you might have of him or Bear’s biodad. You mentioned Kitty looks like your Aunt, she’d love to see pictures of her too.

Bear's account of yours and his relationship with his birthfather and after is a little jumbled. An adult’s account might be very helpful in his therapy.

Also any medical history would be great. Specifically is there anyone with bipolar disorder related to the children? Bear was diagnosed with this fairly recently and they are considering it for Kitty. Learning disabilities, any other mental illnesses, or health issues, in the family? I assume ADD runs in the family since you mentioned that one of their sisters was recently diagnosed with it too. Also was there any head trauma for either of them that you know of? I know when Bear was hurt by Mike (and others?) that this could have occurred, but wondered if there were any specific instances you were aware of.

I feel I need to assure you that I would NEVER make judgments about you, I didn’t live in your shoes and I don’t know what you’ve been through. I want you to know I NEVER say mean things about you to the children. I have ALWAYS reassured them that you loved them, but just could not take care of them at the time. Kitty still misses you and the girls very much, but mostly understands that she is where she belongs now. Bear is still hurting (and angry), but he gets better every day. The children are blessed that they have two families who love them very much.

Thank you,
Mary
" Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

Biomom

I can be a big weenie when it comes to telling the kids "No" about things I know will cause an emotional response. It's why I will never actually win the Meanest Mom in the World title - although I've been nominated many times. Just call me Susan Lucci!

Recently Kitty has been asking to talk to birthmom. She thinks she's ready. After several months of EMDR I have to admit she's actually been able to talk about biomom without major meltdowns; however I do not really want to allow this.

We do not have any kind of open adoption agreement with biomom. The children were not removed from her care (although there was definitely abuse and neglect) so there are no criminal reasons we can cite. When we first got the children we were told by their therapist (who'd been with them since before biomom voluntarily terminated parental rights - TPR) to keep the kids away from biomom. She stated that biomom continued to blame the children for the TPR and said inappropriate emotionally damaging things to the children. It took us over a year to convince Kitty that the reason she went into foster care had nothing to do with her throwing a chair or being out of control and in fact was NOT her fault.

Because of the black and white thinking of my children they do not have a realistic picture of biomom. Bear hates her - with a passion - and doesn't want her near him or even to know anything about him. Kitty however has never really understood adoption or what happened. In her eyes she had a great life, no rules, no discipline, and she "doesn't remember" any abuse (although she mentions it in passing sometimes). She originally blamed her temper tantrums for getting her into foster care, but now that we've helped her remove the self-blame, she seems to have no understanding of how she came to be there. It was stated in her bio on the internet that she was open to the idea of adoption, but didn't understand why she needed an new mom when she already had one.

I know Kitty would walk right back into biomom's life without questions. I think that's why I don't want her to talk to biomom -who insists that she gave up the children only because she couldn't get the services they needed, and she needed to protect the younger children. Of course she is right. Even when I got them, 1 1/2 years of foster care later, the chidren were very damaged. They were a danger to themselves and others.

TWO MAJOR differences though - While I almost returned the children to foster care because of their behavior I did NOT (admittedly I had access to more support and services). But the biggest difference - I didn't make them this way!

Biomom is still insisting that she did what was best for the children and that she still loves them dearly and misses them every day. In almost every e-mail she talked to me as though I was the children's foster mother. In May, when she found out her last baby was a girl she expressed disappointment that she wasn't able to give Bear a little brother. That was the final straw for me. I told her that I had given my son Bear a little brother, and they loved each other very much. I didn't hear from Biomom again until she sent an announcement that the baby was born (in September) and I haven't heard from her since.

So now Kitty, who every time she gets upset still tells me she wants to go "Home" to Nebraska and biomom, is wanting to talk to biomom again. She hasn't talked to biomom in 3.5 years. She just wants to hear her voice and ask how she's doing. I refuse to criticize bioparents - I know how important that is (my mom never criticized my father in front of me - even when he was doing some pretty horrible stuff to get custody - and I appreciate how hard that must have been - but I'm so glad she did it.) Kids shouldn't have to hear negative things about the parents they love. I did haveto point out that Biomom wasn't the best parent for Kitty. Kitty has to blame someone, and I don't want it to be Kitty anymore.

I can't win this! I want Kitty to have some closure and say goodbye to Biomom, but neither Kitty nor Biomom want this. Is it right for me to want it? I think talking to this woman will damage Kitty's relationship with me, and strengthen her relationship with Biomom. The minute Kitty is out of the house she would go right back to Biomom. That wouldn't be such a bad thing if I thought Kitty could stand up for herself and see the world with the values we've tried to instill in her, but I can see Biomom manipulating Kitty into hating our family and doing anything Biomom wants (probably raising Biomom's kids and ending up in the same type of relationships as Biomom has had - a string of abusive men).

This woman hurt my babies and then threw them away. Why should she get to enjoy them now that I've "fixed" them? Especially since she will probably just "break" them again -when it might be too late to help them heal.

Still when Kitty asked me if she could speak to Biomom I admit I couldn't tell her no. I'm tired of being the bad guy. So I did something awful and then forgot to warn the therapist about it. I told Kitty that it was never my decision not to allow her to talk to Biomom. That it had been her Nebraska therapist's decision (true). We talked about some of the NE therapist's reasons again (primarily that Biomom still blamed the children for the TPR) and Kitty assured me she knew the truth and wouldn't believe that.

That's when I did the bad thing, I said I didn't know if Kitty was ready yet, but that we could ask her therapist. She wanted to ask her EMDR therapist right away, but I said she hadn't known Kitty long enough. I told Kitty she would have to wait until we started seeing the Attachment Therapist -AT - again, and had seen her a couple of times.

So we saw the AT for the first time on Tuesday, and Kitty remembered. The therapist didn't tell Kitty what she wanted to hear, but it's late and that's a long story, so I'll try to post it tomorrow.

Bear's book

Life in foster caer as pre teen, it was different for me. But as evry kid that is one of the most difficut time of life. This is one q? you should ask your self if you read this book, Is it that much diffrent?

For me I thoght it was better for me than living with my Birth family. So if You are in foster caer keep that in mind, for me think maybe one day when you have kids you can be there for them that’s What evry kid need’s no matter What age they are but unfurtrly that always dosent happend. One thang that happends to kids in foster caer it gets hard to trust people. this can effect futeer relashonships with people in your life. But don’t let that stop from any thang there maybe times you fill like you Want to give up but that the time that maders the most!

Some thang's you need to consiter Why, is it Werth it and is it the right thang to do! So if you are in foster caer don't let someone tell you'r a mistak or werthless Because you arent! You are one of a kiend you will be a good parent if that's Whant but Please wheat till your ready and in a good state of mind! But Whne that time comes make it right and be there for the kid Whole life but give the baby the life you never had and do it the right way.



Bear, age 15

Magical age of 8

I thought the following article was very interesting. My question is, how is this effected by the child's emotional age? My daughter is somewhere between 4 and 6 emotionally/ developmentally. This is pretty common for kids in foster care. My son's was much younger when we got him, but seems to be getting closer to his chronological age as he matures.


This is from the University of Michigan newsletter
http://michigantoday.umich.edu/2008/11/eight.php?tr=y&auid=4242721

At the magical age of eight, belief synchs with behavior

by Diane Swanbrow

November 18, 2008

I think I can, I think I can. Believe. You can fly if you just believe. I won't die if you just believe.

Archetypal advice from The Little Engine That Could and Tinkerbell notwithstanding, a new study finds that until children are at least eight years of age, their beliefs have little or no connection to their behavior.

They may believe they are good at math even when they do poorly on tests, for example. Or they may behave aggressively with other children even though they say it is hard for them to act aggressively.

The study of approximately 1,600 children ages six to 18 appears in the September/October 2008 issue of Child Development.

"Children entering school have two important tasks," says University of Michigan psychologist Pamela Davis-Kean, who conducted the study with colleagues from U-M and from the University of Minnesota, Indiana University and Duke University. "They need to learn and achieve in school, and they need to cooperate with others.

"The findings of this study suggest that the best ways to help children accomplish these key tasks may be very different depending on their age."

Davis-Kean directs the Center for the Analysis of Pathways from Childhood to Adulthood at the U-M Institute for Social Research (ISR). The research was funded by the National Science Foundation.

For the analysis, Davis-Kean and colleagues analyzed data from two different long-term studies. In one study, children in Southeast Michigan were asked about their ability in math and how well they expected to do in math in the coming year. The researchers also obtained the students' math grades from school records.

In the other study, children in Indiana and Tennessee were presented with cartoons or videos depicting ambiguous events, and then asked how easy or difficult it would be for them to act aggressively in that situation. For this study, mothers were also asked about their children's aggressive behavior.

With children younger than age 8, direct responses like time-outs or rewards may work better than having them think about their behavior.

The researchers analyzed the concurrent connection between beliefs and behaviors across both studies and at different ages. They found that the link between belief and behavior strengthened with age, for both math performance and aggressive behavior. And they also found that until the age of eight, the link was virtually nonexistent.

According to Davis-Kean, the findings have important implications for parents, teachers and others interested in helping children to improve academic achievement and behavior.

"Just saying to a child, 'You know this is wrong. Why do you keep doing it?' may not be an effective strategy before the age of 8," Davis-Kean said. "Younger children may know it's wrong, but they haven't associated that knowledge with their own behavior."

With children younger than age 8, it may be more effective to try to change their behaviors directly—either by giving them time-outs to discourage negative behavior or by rewarding them for positive behavior.

With children over the age of 8, encouraging children to think differently about their behavior may have more of an impact, she said.