This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Wednesday, November 26, 2008

Letter to biomom

Still need to blog about Kitty's meltdown with the AT, but I wanted to share this letter I decided to e-mail to biomom. I hope I made a good choice.

Hi (Biomom),

I realized it had been awhile since I’d sent you any pictures. These are from Bear’s birthday. He was being awfully silly! His hair has grown out even more since then and he has gorgeous curls! The bandages on his arm and hand are from tattoo removals (don’t know when he did these to himself, but it was before he came to us. Removing them was his decision.).

Both Bear and Kitty are making good grades. Bear made all As on his last report card and Kitty was pretty close. They’re still having a tough time in school, but are working hard to get caught up. Everyone is impressed with how hard Kitty works to compensate for her learning disabilities.

Kitty in particular is asking a lot of questions about her birth father lately. She eventually wants to search for him. Any additional information you have would be greatly appreciated. You mentioned he was in his 40s – I assume you mean now and that he was in his 30s then? Do you know what state he was from? The name of the fair. Anything that might be helpful? Also we would love any photos or stories you might have of him or Bear’s biodad. You mentioned Kitty looks like your Aunt, she’d love to see pictures of her too.

Bear's account of yours and his relationship with his birthfather and after is a little jumbled. An adult’s account might be very helpful in his therapy.

Also any medical history would be great. Specifically is there anyone with bipolar disorder related to the children? Bear was diagnosed with this fairly recently and they are considering it for Kitty. Learning disabilities, any other mental illnesses, or health issues, in the family? I assume ADD runs in the family since you mentioned that one of their sisters was recently diagnosed with it too. Also was there any head trauma for either of them that you know of? I know when Bear was hurt by Mike (and others?) that this could have occurred, but wondered if there were any specific instances you were aware of.

I feel I need to assure you that I would NEVER make judgments about you, I didn’t live in your shoes and I don’t know what you’ve been through. I want you to know I NEVER say mean things about you to the children. I have ALWAYS reassured them that you loved them, but just could not take care of them at the time. Kitty still misses you and the girls very much, but mostly understands that she is where she belongs now. Bear is still hurting (and angry), but he gets better every day. The children are blessed that they have two families who love them very much.

Thank you,
" Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."


Torina said...

I have been thinking about writing a letter to Tara's birthmom, too. You did a nice job with yours. Have you done this before? I tried last year but ended up chickening out (I got it written but just couldn't mail it)...

Lisa said...

Great job Squeaker!
Very well said.

Brenda said...

Good job. We have no idea where birth mom even is. I have tried googling but cannot find her. Good job on your letter though.