This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Friday, May 8, 2009

Just when you thought it was safe...

*Oops! Found this post from last week!*

We "laid off" Bear's therapist yesterday. He started doing the EMDR therapy (insurance hates paying two therapists), and is doing sooooo well that we decided he didn't needed to see two therapists anymore.

Bear and I went to Bear's last visit and told the therapist how well Bear is doing - even I, who have major trust issues, haven't found anything major to be concerned about. He's making all As, the special school he is attending thinks he's ready to start transitioning back to regular high school full-time, he's working his lawn care "business," he seems to be handling money OK, he dumped the neighbor girl with major issues, and seems to be handling her well... The therapist gave him some general advice (keep avoiding dating "yahoos," value your family, focus on positive goals...), and I told him I'd keep him posted.

So after the session is over, while the therapist is running my credit card (out of the room), Bear informs me that he wants to get a restraining order for the ex-girlfriend. He says she has been "stalking him" and following him when he's working trying to get him to take her back. He'd told me last week that she'd said she'd dump the girl she's been dating (?!!) and if he doesn't take her back she'll start cutting again. I was very proud of how he'd handled the situation (and guilty because I hadn't talked to her mom yet about this like I told him I would).

Apparently though she'd recently threatened to cut him. He says he offered her a tool from his toolbox and said basically, "go for it, but know that I will hurt you if you do." She declined. Not only was I less than thrilled with his handling of this situation, but he claims this all occurred in front of Ponito. NOT OK.

I told him I wish he'd discussed this during therapy, and we'd talk more later, but to me this didn't change how well I believed he was doing...

So I get a call from Bear's special school to talk about the plans for next year's schooling. The subject of Bear's behavior came up, and the principal stated he was very happy overall, but commented that Bear was starting to take advantage of the privileges that his good behavior afforded him. Things like - he's allowed to drink one soda during the day, but he drinks several. He is allowed to have fast food lunch brought in on occasion (if he pays for it), but is begging for this privilege often. He's also done some manipulation of the staff (asking one for some privilege, and when they say no, asking another).

Nothing major, but just a reminder that he's not perfect.

Last night Kitty got up to use the restroom and came to Hubby to tell him that there was candy on the bathroom counter. Kitty gets very hyper when given candy so it is rare that we have any in the house. Kitty is apparently having issues with constipation again, so Hubby had to go in the bathroom to... well you don't need to know what the poor man had to do, suffice it to say it's a good thing he has a strong stomach and no sense of smell... aaanyway he discovered that there really was candy in there. No one uses that restroom during the day except Bear, and no one but Bear would feel safe leaving their possession out (everyone else knows that their things would be taken, Bear's stuff is rarely touched - not necessarily because he's the one doing the taking, but because everyone is intimidated by him enough to leave his stuff alone).

So this morning I did a room search on Bear's room and found what was left of an entire bag of the candy under the edge of his bed, with empty wrappers everywhere. I had placed an unopened bag of this candy on the desk in my cubby for use as a reward to the kids when Kitty has a meltdown (- makes her crazy by the way, but doesn't seem to have the intended result of making her stop the meltdowns so they don't get candy). The bag was, of course, missing.

Despite MANY reminders and threats of consequences, Bear cannot seem to get out of the bathroom until 5 minutes after the bus is supposed to arrive. (Today I worked out with the school that the bus will stop waiting for him longer than the 3 minutes they are supposed to wait - he's not going to learn to be ready on time if they keep accommodating this, and driving him to the public high school next school year will be really inconvenient.) As usual he didn't have time to make lunch or breakfast, and was headed straight out the door, when Hubby stopped him to ask about the candy.

Bear immediately lied and said it was just a few pieces given to him at school. Hubby asked why he had the bag then. Bear, thinking quickly, said one of the teachers had given him a few pieces and just left them in the bag. Hubby asked point blank if Bear had taken it from my cubby. Bear said no. He also said Ponito had eaten some too.

So I called the school, and talked to the principal who confronted Bear. Bear had had the whole trip on the bus to come up with a better story. He told the principal that one of the teachers had given it to him. The principal brought in the teacher, who denied having given him candy in a long time. Bear claimed he didn't like candy much so he'd "saved" it from way back then, and then he claimed that he'd bought the bag from the store with his lawn money.


When we confronted him about the lying (and stealing) he denied it, Hubby started to reason with him and get him to admit the truth, but I quickly stopped him. This just makes Bear lie more. Bear saw that he wasn't going to be able to argue us into believing him, so he got angry and stormed upstairs (this is actually kind of cool - he didn't run away from the house or get violent). Hubby followed him and calmed him down.
I gave him a FAIR club assignment which he finished at record speed so he could get out sooner. Life was mostly back to normal very quickly, but I'm back to not trusting him.

1 comment:

Miz Kizzle said...

I get a headache just reading about what goes on in your house. Your and your hubby are brave souls.
And who eats candy in the bathroom anyway?