Stolen trust

Bear was listening to an MP3 on Saturday. 1st time in awhile that I'd seen him listening to one. I told him I thought his MP3 had been lost or stolen. He said...yes... but that was the MP3 he'd gotten for his birthday. This was the one he got for Christmas, that had a messed up screen, but he could still use it.

Whoot! Whoot! Mom radar starts blaring!

"Bear, I want to see the MP3 player."

"Why?"

"I want to see it."

"It's in my pocket and I can't get to it when I'm sitting down."

"I want to see it."

"Why?"

"Because you are making me suspicious."

"It's in the pocket of my shorts underneath my jeans." (Bear wears undies - hopefully - and a pair of gym shorts under the jean shorts he wears every single day. When comments are made that he wears the same shorts every day, he claims to have no other shorts, and it doesn't matter because they don't touch his body. I've learned to ignore it. Oh and I know there are no pockets in his gym shorts.)

"I still want to see it."

" " (long pause while he tries to think of a way out of this. Then he starts talking about something else. We get to the store we were heading to. He sits in the car rubbing his knee as though it hurts. I can smell the gears in his head burning as he tries to think).

"Bear, I want to see the MP3 player."

"Why?"

"I want to see it."

"It's in my shorts under my jeans. It's hard to get to."

"I want to see it."

Bear puts his hand in his jean pocket (So much for it being in difficult to get to or in his nonexistant inside short pocket) and pulls out the MP3.

"I traded MP3s with my friend Charles." (yea, that makes sense. Charles traded a very nice MP3 for your cheap one with the damaged screen).

"Hand it over."

"Why?"

"Because you know you're not allowed to do that."

"You can talk to Charles!"

"No, I don't want to talk to Charles (because I know he'll lie for you). Give me the MP3."

Bear hands it over and sulks into the store. As we're getting ready to leave the store, he asks if he can borrow my cell phone and I refused. (assuming he wanted to get his story straight with Charles). We head home and the minute we get home he goes straight to the phone. I stand within hearing distance (the phone is in the kitchen and I legitimately needed to make dinner). The person he called couldn't talk.

Bear hung up and went straight to the computer. I walked by and said, "Say 'Hi' to Charles for me." Bear gave me an excellent confused look. "Don't think I don't know you IM on that computer."

Bear blustered something about Charles not using the computer and I walked away. Bear then mentioned that he talks to Charles' girlfriend. Bingo. Don't know why he volunteers that kind of info. Did you notice that he didn't deny using IM (which he's not supposed to use because he's used it inappropriately)? Then we had to leave to go to Grandma's .

Bear disappeared into the bathroom (typical M.O. for him, he can be in a bathroom for up to 45 minutes - usually when we're going somewhere). I walk past and hear loud banging noises. I ask him what's going on?! He pauses for a minute and then claims he's cleaning the ceiling vent?!!

When he comes back downstairs about 5 minutes later he shows me the dust all over him from cleaning the vent. Whatever Bear. Not buying it. I didn't say anything.

At this point I debated searching him, his room and bathroom, and his stuff. I decided I just didn't want to. Hubby did search the bathroom later, but didn't find anything.

So now it's discipline time. Bear asked to have his new potential girlfriend over, can't remember her name, lets just call her Kleenex. I told him no. He had no idea why. I said because of the MP3. He said, "I didn't steal it!"

"Whether you did or not, you still lied."

"I didn't lie!"

I went on to list all the lies about being unable to give me the MP3, he denied the whole coversation happened that way. *sigh*

So anyway, what to do next.

1. Turn the MP3 over to the school? (Knowing they'll do as much about it as they have about everything else he's stolen, but it's not like we're giving it back to him and they need to know he's still stealing).
2. See if we can figure out if there is some name or something on it (discovered the true owner this way once).
3. Make him copy bible verses or section from a book about honesty (this is good for his handwriting and spelling too).
4. Ground him (for how long?)
5. Something else?

Bear feels entitled to an iPod, iTouch, iPhone, computer, new clothes, sex, sweets.... Since we are depriving him of these essential items, he feels he has a right to take them. Lies and theft are totally justified.

I'm not sure it's worth fighting anymore. We can't "catch him" enough for him to feel we're on top of things. There's no punishment that would stop/keep him from lying and stealing. We can't give him enough stuff and privileges to make him feel he isn't deprived. I can't imagine what he could do to convince me that he's earning my trust.

Adoption and Faith

I have few people I can talk to about this who "get it" so I hope this doesn't sound disrespectful.

A fellow Mommy Blogger at This Work Stinks recently wrote a post that made me question how I'm raising my children, in particular in regards to their faith. This mom is helping her children remember what God wants them to be, "take off the old self and put on the new."* If they misbehave she asks them if that was loving and what God wanted them to do. (I am majorly paraphrasing and probably mangling what was a great post - Sorry Mom In The Trench!). I love this idea and wish it was the way I raise my children, but I have a question for her or anyone else out there with an opinion (you know who you are!).

First some background:
_______________________________________

When I was a child growing up in the "bible belt," religious doctrine was thrust upon me by my dad and grandmother. I was also taught that it was all or nothing and I must believe exactly what my fundamental Southern Baptist Grandmother said was right or I was going to hell. I was not allowed to question anything or even be undecided.

(I want to clarify that my mom, aka Grandma, was not a part of this. She lived her faith quietly and we did not really talk about it. She took us to church, but allowed us to make up our own minds.)

My family hammered at me constantly to believe exactly the "right" way until finally my stubborn, contrary (after years of hearing that stupid nursery rhyme I figure being contrary was inevitable) nature kicked in and I shut down all communication on the subject by telling them I was an atheist. I had made up my mind. As you can imagine this was not a popular statement, but it was definitely easier than listening to lecture after lecture designed to force me to accept by rote their beliefs. I just would no longer listen to them on the subject. Obviously this was more about religion than faith, but I felt unable to disentangle the two.

My grandmother lamented and tried to talk my favorite cousin into swaying me away from "the dark side." She drove my dad nuts doing the same thing. Kudos to them for only having one or two discussions and letting it go. Of course Dad's "discussion" was to tell me the story of a man who was dying and went to each of his sons to tell them he loved them and would see him again on the other side, except his last son who didn't believe in God, to whom the dad said, "Goodbye." Subtle Dad.

Hubby and I got married (almost 16 years ago!) in my mom's church, but neither one of us was particularly religious. I just wanted a church wedding with a real "non-tacky" wedding dress! *grin*

About 5 years ago I started feeling that something was missing and I wanted to try again with God. It was very hard. I wanted that "child-like faith" to build on, and felt like I was trying to force myself to love someone. Kind of like if someone told you that not only did you have to believe in Santa Claus again, but you had to LOVE him. Belief in someone you've been told doesn't exist, with the beliefs of others being a conflicting, often antagonistic, mess is not exactly easy. At the same time though, I craved the "magical thinking" there's someone out there who can fix everything if you believe hard enough. That loves you unconditionally.

Someone once told me that a woman's relationship with God often mimics her relationship with her father. Well, as I mentioned before, I'm pretty sure I had an attachment disorder and I didn't trust my dad or any man.

I didn't have a lot of faith in anyone and God seemed less than useless in that he couldn't even give me direct support or advice (at least I didn't think so). I had never felt what I had heard others with extremely strong faith talking about, that "knowing" that God was there and cared about them and was involved in their lives. Deep down I thought God may have existed once, may still exist, but certainly didn't get involved anymore. I needed to stick my fingers in the holes in His hands, but He wasn't there in front of me.

Some of this was pride too. I didn't want to be caught believing in something that didn't really exist. Some of it was fear. What if I don't believe, and he really exists and I've just condemned myself. And some was just convoluted. If I'm believing just so I won't go to hell, does that count? How do I know I'm believing because I really believe or just because I want to, or am I just covering my bets in case it is true....

I read The Case for Faith, and it helped me answer a lot of my questions and resolve some religious points that seemed mutually exclusive. It also led me to some other books like Mere Christianity by C. S. Lewis that helped me to decide it was best to "Fake It Until You Make It" in regards to having faith and believing in God. After all, what did it really hurt? This eventually became a major philosophy in my life, but more on that later.

When we decided to adopt it was more of a coicidence that the adoption agency was a Christian one and then we were presented with a dilemna. The agency required a reference from our family pastor. By a sad coincidence the pastor who married Hubby and I to each other had recently passed away, so we used that as an excuse for not using him as a reference and got a reference from a long time friend who talked more about our Christian values than our beliefs.

We did start attending a church though.

Over the years my faith has slowly grown and become less "fake it" and more "make it." Not coincidentally this is how my trust and faith in Hubby grew too, and was my philosophy with the adopted kids as well. I strongly agree with Katharine Leslie (a noted author on RAD) that no matter how much we would like to pretend it could happen, no one instantly falls in love with an older child. Infant features have a built in biological imperative that we love and protect them, but once they out grow that... there are no short cuts.

RAD kids work hard at proving themselves unloveable so it's no surprise that it is hard work. Older kids know you won't instantly love them when you've never even met them before (and they believe they are unloveable), therefore if we tell them we love them, not only are we are lying to them, but they know it.

_______________________________________

And we're back!

My concern is that my children have very little faith (equal to the amount of trust they have) and I worry that if I push the concept of God on them, especially in terms that could be taken as implied criticism (would God like that?), that they will push away from God like they push away from me.

On the other hand, my kids don't learn by observation or role models, they have to learn kinetically (learning by doing) so maybe I need to do more in this area. I tend to be fairly quiet about my faith, because I'm just now starting to feel like I'm no longer a "newbie." Should I be living loud with my faith?

I don't encourage or discourage my kids' steps in the direction of faith. When Bear wanted to get baptised and Kitty followed along, I was happy, but didn't really believe much would come from it. Now, two years later, the three older kids are being confirmed (learning more about the church and committing to it). They are very gung ho, but I'm realistic enough to know that some of that is hanging around with other kids.

There are some things I do without giving my reasons unless asked: I don't allow PG-13 movies (or worse), even for my 16 year old. The kids and I only listen to Christian music (well, the kids are supposed to only listen to it). I'm a firm believer in "garbage in, garbage out."** (which is a great song by the way! You can listen to it here. Also, Slow Fade - be careful little ears what you hear!). The kids go to Sunday School every Sunday.

For a long time I made a committment to start attending Sunday School regularly too (church is hard for me - I get more from Sunday School), but one day Hubby told me he felt uncomfortable with me sharing in class, and all I'd said was please pray for our family - no details regarding why. (It's not a secret though - I'm just as open in real life as I am here!).

Hubby is a very private person, and he would probably hate this blog if he ever read it (he certainly can read it, but chooses not to). He knows I'm very open, but I think he prefers to live in denial. Me saying something in Sunday School meant he couldn't ignore it.

I stopped wanting to go to church, because I'm not good at censoring myself and one big reason I went was for the support and affirmation. Hubby didn't care either way. So now we sleep in on Sundays (we can certainly use the extra sleep). The kids spend almost every Saturday night at Grandma's (we really are amazingly blessed!) so they go to Sunday School with her.

So am I sending the wrong message to my kids? Should I be more blatant about my faith? Should I talk about what God wants them to do? I want my children to have faith, but I don't have very strong role models in how to give that to them. Especially Bear and Kitty. Am I doing enough, too much? WWJD?

***

*(Col 3:9-10) Do not lie to each other, since you have taken off your old self with its practices 10 and have put on the new self, which is being renewed in knowledge in the image of its Creator.

**Philipians 4:8 — “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things.”

***"Train up a child in the way he should go:And when he is old, he will not depart from it."Proverbs 22:6 King James Version

Stealing

I feel like we keep locking the barn doors after the cows are already gone. Bear, our 16 yr old RAD son, has been busted yet again, and we don’t know what to do next.

We recently discovered that he has been raiding Hubby's rarely used bottle of Grand Marnier (an expensive liquor) that Hubby keeps in a top shelf in the pantry. Bear had been drinking it and replacing it with water, and had finally drunk so much that Hubby (who rarely drinks it) finally noticed.

When confronted, Bear admitted to having drunk it, but claims it was only this Summer and not recently (a lie although it did probably start this Summer). I think he’s just saying this because he’s hoping that there won’t be consequences for something that happened in the past (He’s done this before – confessed to doing drugs in the house... over a year ago . When this happened in residential treatment, he was actually praised for confessing that he was using chewing tobacco. We pointed out that while, no, he hadn’t been caught and therefore didn’t HAVE to confess, his supply was almost out anyway and this way he got “extra credit” and no consequences.).

We feel stupid for leaving the bottle accessible, but he’d shown no interest in alcohol before (yes, lame excuse, but we don’t want to live like we’re wardens in a residential treatment center – he’s supposed to be better).

So what should we do for consequences?


We did cancel his ROTC meet this weekend that he was going to be allowed to skip weekly therapy for.
Because of his food stealing, the week before this discovery we’d put locks on several doors in the house that prevent access to the area we kept the alcohol in (he drank all the alcohol so that was no longer a concern anyway).

He’s not on line of sight supervision, but he’s pretty close, so grounding wouldn’t make a lot of difference. We could take his house phone privileges, but that’s not a very logical consequence. He’s already working on a DARE project at school. He’s already been to visit prisons while he was in residential treatment. Alcoholics Anonymous meetings would probably trigger his C-PTSD issues, but we could probably work around everyone else’s schedules to get him there. He doesn’t have a cell phone, will probably never be allowed to drive a car at this rate… I don’t know what to do. If we don’t do anything I know he will feel that he has “beat the system and won.”

Since he usually doesn’t commit the same offense twice I’m freaking out over what he’ll do next. We don’t want to be jailers/ wardens. None of his siblings deserve to live in a prison, but neither do they deserve to have their stuff stolen.

Mary



Back story if you’re interested:
A few weeks ago, several PS2 controllers that I’d confiscated from the boys for breaking who knows what rule (probably having food in the playroom and not getting off when their time was up), were discovered to be missing. Since Bear is the only one who steals, and he usually prefers to steal family electronics, we assumed that it was him that did it. I searched his room and the garage, but didn’t find them. I’m now assuming he sold, traded or gave them away – I don’t even want to think about for what. Bear has finally stopped hiding most stuff in his room because he knows I search occasionally, but the junk food I always find in there, I feel he is flaunting in my face.

Recently I’d gotten tired of finding icing containers, candy wrappers from entire bags of candy, moldy food, ice cream containers, etc. in his room that, added to the missing controllers to me said it was finally time to alarm his bedroom door. Hubby was against it. When confronted about the food, Bear says he’s a growing boy and hungry in the middle of the night. Bear officially stopped growing 2 years ago (his growth plates are closed). What he is taking is all sweets (which we rarely have in the house anyway). We’ve discussed the fact that he has an addictive brain and at the moment his addiction appears to be sugar (although it has also been drugs, tobacco, and apparently alcohol…). He’s never been a good sleeper and the idea of him wandering the house at 3 am is nerve wracking.

We’re taking him off of Seroquel (which he’s been on for over a year) since it’s been known to increase appetite, but it’s also known to help with sleep so I’m worried he’ll be up even more. Not to mention he’s highly volatile emotionally right now so I’m nervous about taking him off of one of his mood stabilizers (he’s still on Lamictal, Trileptal and Amantadine). None of the sleep meds he’s ever taken have helped him sleep (he’s on 6mg of Melatonin right now- the max).

As a compromise, last week I put key locks on the pantry and inside garage door. This means that he no longer has access to food in the middle of the night except for approved snacks. Everyone was so excited because we can finally have ice cream in the house again. It also means he will not have access to the garage or outdoors (all outside doors and windows are alarmed. The garage was too, but the new lock now prevents him access to the control panel where he could turn off the chime that goes off when a door is opened. We’re not sure if he’d discovered that feature of the downstairs control panel, but better safe than sorry). So he can no longer hide stuff in there or steal tools.

There are several big problems with the new system. One, it means we’re constantly having to let someone in to those rooms. I guess we could leave them open when he’s not home, but most likely that means we won’t remember to lock them later. Two, in his mind it means that anything not protected is OK for him to take. In fact he apparently feels it is permission to take it.

Manipulative Bear

Bear tells me that GirlFriend's Mom wants to meet me. Finally! I was beginning to wonder if she had parents. He says he has to be ungrounded by Friday so he can hang out with GF and her mom. He knows I will not allow him to hang out with GF out of my sight unless I approve the adult supervisor.

So I say OK (cause I'm easily manipulated apparently). He says GF's mom is going to go swimming with the family so I have to come (Grandma takes the kids swimming every day at 4pm). OK, I can squeeze that in to my schedule (somehow).

Friday rolls around and around 10am, Bear informs me that GF and her mom will be "in the neighborhood" and will be coming to our house at noon, and is it OK if GF stays with us while her mom runs some errands?

Wait! Noon?!! As in less than 2 hours from now? As in, I'm still in my workout clothes and have a ton of work to get done? As in we'd have to feed them lunch? Nuh uh. No way. She can't come before 1pm.

Wait, what did I just say? No, not 1pm... 2pm at the earliest! I have got to get some work done. (Hubby later, much later, points out that he still managed to arrange this to be 2 hours earlier than originally planned. Somehow that part I missed. Guess I'm still not getting enough sleep).

At 2pm I'm buried in my computer up to my neck. Bear asks Grandma to take him to pick GF up. Mom approved her coming over. (Only later in talking about my day to Hubby do I realize... how did this go from meeting her mom to us going to get her for a date?).

At 3pm I surface, where's the Mom? Oh she had to run some errands. She'll be here around 5:30pm. What?! I have to be at therapy at 5:30pm. So now I won't even be meeting her? I know I'm being manipulated, but the girl is already here and her mom is mysteriously not. Bear assures me the mom will try to be here before I have to leave.

5:15pm. The mom shows up. 7 wet kids running around (my 4, her 1 and my 7 yr old niece and almost 10 yr old nephew). I have to leave to get to therapy. Not exactly a good time to have "the talk" with the woman. We exchange pleasantries and more importantly, phone numbers. And I'm 10 minutes late to therapy.

Skip ahead to Sunday night (cause of course I have no time to call the woman). Bear is talking to GF on the phone and wants to know if he can accompany them while the girl is school shopping. Normally would be an OK activity, but I still don't know if I can trust this woman. After all, she left her daughter unsupervised for most of the Summer in an empty house with teenagers of both sexes running around. So I tell Bear I have to talk to the mom - without him or GF present.

GF's mom informs me that she doesn't like the GF's best friend because the girl is not a good influence and the girl's mother has been known to give the kids alcohol (the girls are 14 and 16). They also let the best friend drive her grandmother's car and she doesn't have a license. Luckily her daughter knows better than to ever get in a car with the girl.

Gotta love Mom networks:

GF's Mom finds out that Best friend drove GF to our house several times. That I know for a fact that the Bestfriend and her little sister were alone with teenage boys in the house and no adults present for most of the Summer (Hubby searched the house once when we couldn't find Bear - we didn't find Bear that time, but there were no adults and Bear's guy friends were there with GF, Bestfriend, and Bestfriend's sister).

GF found out that Bear had skipped over a week of school and we're positive he was with GF for most of that time .

I found out that GF is on the pill (one less worry for me) and was in big trouble last school year for skipping school 47 times (another great role model for my son. Where does he find these girls? I still think he has a sign on his forehead saying "only chicks with major issues need apply!").

Here's the big one - GF's father is NOT DEAD! This was his big excuse for her to come over the day before his birthday even though he was grounded. GF's mom says she's OK with GF saying her dad is dead because he is terminally ill and practically in a coma. GF hasn't seen him in 6 years. I'm OK with her saying he's dead too, but not that he DIED on THURSDAY and she needs support from her boyfriend because her family abandoned her and went to Six Flags.

So...
I banned the Bestfriend and her sister from our house and my kids aren't allowed to talk to them on the phone either. Bear is OK with this because apparently the Best friend has been trying to break Bear and GF up because she's jealous. I've been telling Kitty for weeks that she's too young to hang out with a junior in highschool (Bestfriend) and apparently Kitty hasn't talked to the sister that's closer in age to Kitty in weeks. I don't want the kids around someone who lies to my face (about Bear being at her house), illegally drives and apparently has no problems with taking others with her, and whose parents allow drinking, driving, and leave a 14 year old girl completely unsupervised all Summer.

I told Bear he was grounded for another week and he got extremely upset. I told him I was upset because I feel I can't trust him and he lied about GF's father dying so he could break his grounding. He stated that he shouldn't get grounded for a whole week when he didn't know it was a lie.

After Hubby and I talked it over we decided that the GF was grounded (from him). He can't talk to her on the phone or see her at all for a week.

I still need to discuss ways for him to start building trust again. That's a huge one because I don't think it's possible. He is good for 95% of the time. The problem is during that remaining 5% of the time, he doesn't think about consequences, he just acts.

We tried to explain it to him using the points and level system he has at school and had in treatment. A kid who was trouble all the time is easier to handle in some ways. They struggle and work hard on a daily (or hourly or minute by minute even!) to manage their behavior. They slowly move up the levels (or not). Then there's kids like Bear.

After a short time figuring out how it all works, he quickly goes to the top level and stays there. Everyone keeps insisting, why is this kid even in this program?! But when he does something wrong - it's always huge (drugs, guns, police). Maybe because he's so sneaky it's not until he's under scrutiny that everything comes to light. Sometimes I think he's deliberately sabotaging himself so that he won't be moved out of the restrictive environment that makes him feel safe (while at the same time he's learned he likes it on the top level because it has lots of privileges and it's easier to manipulate the system). Or maybe he needs the structure and restriction of being in a program like this and when we lighten up (like in the Summer time) he can't handle it. Probably all of the above.

So what do I do? I know I need to continue to advocate for him staying in the special program at school. He keeps showing us that he needs it. At home, I think I need to stop bending to the pressure to treat him like a normal 16 year old boy and keep him in a restricted environment. I think he even knows it's what he needs.

Would love any advice for helping him develop the ability to think before he leaps and actually be motivated not to do do something because of the consequences of his actions. He just doesn't get it.

Just when you thought it was safe...

*Oops! Found this post from last week!*

We "laid off" Bear's therapist yesterday. He started doing the EMDR therapy (insurance hates paying two therapists), and is doing sooooo well that we decided he didn't needed to see two therapists anymore.



Bear and I went to Bear's last visit and told the therapist how well Bear is doing - even I, who have major trust issues, haven't found anything major to be concerned about. He's making all As, the special school he is attending thinks he's ready to start transitioning back to regular high school full-time, he's working his lawn care "business," he seems to be handling money OK, he dumped the neighbor girl with major issues, and seems to be handling her well... The therapist gave him some general advice (keep avoiding dating "yahoos," value your family, focus on positive goals...), and I told him I'd keep him posted.



So after the session is over, while the therapist is running my credit card (out of the room), Bear informs me that he wants to get a restraining order for the ex-girlfriend. He says she has been "stalking him" and following him when he's working trying to get him to take her back. He'd told me last week that she'd said she'd dump the girl she's been dating (?!!) and if he doesn't take her back she'll start cutting again. I was very proud of how he'd handled the situation (and guilty because I hadn't talked to her mom yet about this like I told him I would).



Apparently though she'd recently threatened to cut him. He says he offered her a tool from his toolbox and said basically, "go for it, but know that I will hurt you if you do." She declined. Not only was I less than thrilled with his handling of this situation, but he claims this all occurred in front of Ponito. NOT OK.



I told him I wish he'd discussed this during therapy, and we'd talk more later, but to me this didn't change how well I believed he was doing...



So I get a call from Bear's special school to talk about the plans for next year's schooling. The subject of Bear's behavior came up, and the principal stated he was very happy overall, but commented that Bear was starting to take advantage of the privileges that his good behavior afforded him. Things like - he's allowed to drink one soda during the day, but he drinks several. He is allowed to have fast food lunch brought in on occasion (if he pays for it), but is begging for this privilege often. He's also done some manipulation of the staff (asking one for some privilege, and when they say no, asking another).



Nothing major, but just a reminder that he's not perfect.



Last night Kitty got up to use the restroom and came to Hubby to tell him that there was candy on the bathroom counter. Kitty gets very hyper when given candy so it is rare that we have any in the house. Kitty is apparently having issues with constipation again, so Hubby had to go in the bathroom to... well you don't need to know what the poor man had to do, suffice it to say it's a good thing he has a strong stomach and no sense of smell... aaanyway he discovered that there really was candy in there. No one uses that restroom during the day except Bear, and no one but Bear would feel safe leaving their possession out (everyone else knows that their things would be taken, Bear's stuff is rarely touched - not necessarily because he's the one doing the taking, but because everyone is intimidated by him enough to leave his stuff alone).



So this morning I did a room search on Bear's room and found what was left of an entire bag of the candy under the edge of his bed, with empty wrappers everywhere. I had placed an unopened bag of this candy on the desk in my cubby for use as a reward to the kids when Kitty has a meltdown (- makes her crazy by the way, but doesn't seem to have the intended result of making her stop the meltdowns so they don't get candy). The bag was, of course, missing.



Despite MANY reminders and threats of consequences, Bear cannot seem to get out of the bathroom until 5 minutes after the bus is supposed to arrive. (Today I worked out with the school that the bus will stop waiting for him longer than the 3 minutes they are supposed to wait - he's not going to learn to be ready on time if they keep accommodating this, and driving him to the public high school next school year will be really inconvenient.) As usual he didn't have time to make lunch or breakfast, and was headed straight out the door, when Hubby stopped him to ask about the candy.



Bear immediately lied and said it was just a few pieces given to him at school. Hubby asked why he had the bag then. Bear, thinking quickly, said one of the teachers had given him a few pieces and just left them in the bag. Hubby asked point blank if Bear had taken it from my cubby. Bear said no. He also said Ponito had eaten some too.



So I called the school, and talked to the principal who confronted Bear. Bear had had the whole trip on the bus to come up with a better story. He told the principal that one of the teachers had given it to him. The principal brought in the teacher, who denied having given him candy in a long time. Bear claimed he didn't like candy much so he'd "saved" it from way back then, and then he claimed that he'd bought the bag from the store with his lawn money.



**sigh**


When we confronted him about the lying (and stealing) he denied it, Hubby started to reason with him and get him to admit the truth, but I quickly stopped him. This just makes Bear lie more. Bear saw that he wasn't going to be able to argue us into believing him, so he got angry and stormed upstairs (this is actually kind of cool - he didn't run away from the house or get violent). Hubby followed him and calmed him down.
I gave him a FAIR club assignment which he finished at record speed so he could get out sooner. Life was mostly back to normal very quickly, but I'm back to not trusting him.

Fine Line between Love and Hate

I mentioned that I don't express my anger. After discussing this with Hubby and Kitty's therapist at the PDH, I realized I have probably been coping with my issues with anger for so long that I don't really even feel anger. It's not so much that I'm "stuffing" the anger, it's that it takes a heck of a lot to make me angry, and most of the time I vent that anger before it even comes close to the boiling point.

I thought about it some more and realized I don't really express any emotions easily or often. I think again that can be attributed to my childhood. My mom readily admits that she is a very emotional person.

For those of you into personality testing she is an INFP (one of the rarest
-if not the rarest - types of personalities defined in the Meyers-Briggs Personality Inventory). This means she is an Introvert, iNtuitive (versus Sensing), Feeling (versus Thinking), and Perception (versus Judging). Which boils down to - she interacts with the world and gets general information about her world through feelings instead of facts.

If you're curious, I'm an ENTP. I'm a borderline extrovert, and I
see the big picture rather than focusing on details. This means I'm good at coming up with a plan, but you need to hire someone else to do the day to day stuff and to make sure all the rules are followed and boxes checked.

In other words, almost all Mom's decisions are based on feelings. She is a very nurturing, empathetic person who gets her feelings hurt easily. Plus she had undiagnosed and unmedicated bipolar disorder throughout most of my childhood. You literally never knew if she was going to be fun and creative or crying and irritable (which she hid from us most of the time).

My dad on the other hand was almost the exact opposite. He reminds me a lot of the dad on Meet the Fockers, who I think was supposed to be a secret FBI operative. My dad has always been logical to an extreme and a little paranoid. Their divorce (while inevitable) was bitter. My mom tried to do everything he wanted, and he didn't respect her for it. Her sister-in-law told her once, "If T____ told you to dye your hair blue, not only would you do it, but you'd be mad at yourself for not having done it before he had to ask."

Mom obviously had a lot of difficulty functioning sometimes, and Dad ran her down all the time for it. Even after the divorce though, Mom was great in that she NEVER criticized or ran him down in front of us, no matter what he was doing to make her life miserable. I think this is VERY important for kids of divorced parents and regarding kids with birth family as well.

I learned at a young age to value logic when making decisions about everything. While I loved my mom, even she wasn't happy with the effect that being so dependent on her emotions had on her life. To me, logic was strength. Logic won arguments. Logic was valued by Dad and teachers.

Emotions made you vulnerable. I didn't want anyone to see me vulnerable, they might find out that they could hurt me. I even learned how to not be ticklish (just like Kitty). I ignored teasing, I never let anyone see if I didn't know the answers. I would cheat if I had to, in order to always be seen as right. I'm still so competitive that I don't enjoy playing card games. I only watch comedies and read books with happy endings. For the longest time I'd get caught up in the emotions of the media and it would actually manipulate my emotions. I was sad and irritable the whole time I was reading The Diary of Anne Frank (even though it is actually a very happy book, I knew what happened to her in the end).

To me, trust is huge. You have to trust someone to allow them to see your emotions, because emotions make you vulnerable to being hurt. I am not a very trusting person. It took years for me to trust Hubby enough to actually love him, and that was with him staying by me every day no matter how hard I tried to reject him before he could reject me. Sound familiar?! Yup, I have TOTAL empathy for my kids. I understand how hard it is for them. It's one reason I don't get angry with them when they act like "turds" or try to push me/us away. I get it.

So that's another reason why I rarely get angry, especially with the kids. I understand why they are acting the way they do.

I know this is also why I have such a hard time with believing in God. It's hard to have faith without trust. For me it's hard to have trust without proof, and of course it's hard to have proof when you're in denial because you don't want to see something that makes you vulnerable. I'm still working on it. God has given me some major proof(s), but I have to work every day to keep convincing myself that they are not just random coincidences.

I wish I had the "blind faith" and personal relationship that I see in children and others. I feel I am taking baby steps in the right direction, but that's all you can ask right?

So I continue to work with the kids and myself on allowing ourselves to feel ALL emotions. Trust is so hard, but we're a work in progress.

"There was a little girl" poem

There was a little girl,

Who had a little curl,

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good,

She was very good indeed,

But when she was bad she was horrid.

-- Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

My mom used to recite this poem to me often as a child. She could tell stories about me that would "curl your hair!" *wink*

Now I have a curly haired boy.

There was a little jock,

Who had a curly lock,

Right in the middle of his forehead.

When he was good,

He was very good indeed,

But when he was bad he was horrid.

-- Marythemom

.

Bear has overcome so many of his issues. With the proper diagnoses, appropriate medications, a father who doesn't beat him, an overprotective mother who doesn't allow him to parent her, and a school that supervises his every step. He has done so well.

.

So why am I completely unable to trust him?! I am told repeatedly that I have to let my children earn privileges and trust or they'll give up. Every 6 weeks he comes home with As and Bs on his report card. His weekly progress report calls him a role model and praises his good choices. Hubby thinks he is becoming attached to us and his issues are normal teenage boy stuff. It's been a whole week and no word about bad behavior or choices from the public high school.

.

All I can see is the lying to my face, "I hate my biomom. I never want to talk to her. I don't want her to know anything about me." While at the same time he was calling her and talking to her on her home phone and cell as recently as a month ago. I understand his need to talk to her. I even understand his need to be sneaky about it (we had forbidden contact). I am just upset that he felt the need to lie and tell me that he hated her so much he didn't want to talk to her. I have NEVER criticized her, in fact I play devil's advocate and DEFEND her most of the time. I tell my kids REPEATEDLY that I know they love their biomom and that's OK.

.

I think Hubby is dead wrong about Bear attaching to us. I think now that Bear is able to control his emotions, he is able to keep them locked in a box deep inside him (festering and not being processed or healed). I think he had a better chance of healing when he had to open that box and "vent the volcano." We were told early on that we would make more progress with Bear then with Kitty because he wore his heart on his sleeve. Granted he usually showed anger instead of fear, stress, or any other emotion, but at least when he was upset- you knew it. After a blow-up he would talk about his feelings - and they were real.

.

Now it is so rare to see him showing emotion of any kind. This picture of him laughing is one of the few times since I've known him that I've seen him with more than a mild expression on his face - unless he was raging out of control, or sobbing or scared after a rage.

,

I pity any woman in the future who tries to have a relationship with him.

Public School

Bear has been talking about goint to Out Classes at the high school in the next 6 weeks. Yesterday in therapy I told him in no uncertain terms that I do not think he is ready. That the reason he is doing so well right now is because he is in the perfect environment for him. He is safe and well supervised. Bear apparently complained to his school director because I got a call today, and the director tried to talk me into changing my mind.

Here's what's been going on. Please tell me if you think I'm overreacting and not allowing Bear to prove he can do this.

Summer School

This last Summer, Bear was required to take a mandatory Summer school class in math, because he failed the math TAKS (Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills) ...again. The school was legally required to provide him with a class that "teaches to the test." (Don't get me started on how stupid I think that is!). In his IEP meeting at the end of school we insisted that after he took the mandatory math class that he be allowed to take a second Summer session of basic skills math class to see if we could figure out and address the concepts he's obviously missing. The team agreed, but we had to pay for it. We were also assured that "even if he fails the test a third time, it's OK, he'll still be promoted to the 9th grade."

Apparently several children in Bear's special school failed the test also so the school was "very aware" of their special needs. This was also a "good opportunity" to see how he would do in the Fall when he started his Out Classes of Athletics and World Geography in the regular classrooms in high school. (Did I mention everything is huge in Texas, including our schools?! There are thousands of kids in this high school, 270+ were enrolled in Football athletics). Since the summer school classes at the high school would have fewer kids, he would be "easing" into this.

About 2 weeks into summer school, we get a call from the school. 5 minutes after we'd left that day (we were dropping off his new prescription of Provigil for his ADD for him to take at noon), the school said we had to come get him. We arrive and there are 3 police officers in with the principal of the high school and Bear. We have to wait outside the room for quite awhile.

Finally we are invited in. On the table is a handgun!!

The principal was pretty sure he'd worked through all Bear's lies and finally come up with the truth. Bear had brought the gun to school in a holster that he'd made out of a wrist splint (it was pretty well made - I assumed it was a real holster!). On the bus he'd been showing off the gun (one of the kids on the bus reported him).

Bear claimed he had brought the gun because one of his friends at school had been letting everyone know that he wanted a gun for protection. This friend was a drug dealer (according to Bear). Bear had borrowed this gun from a friend of the family to give to the drug dealer in the hopes that the drug dealer would give him drugs.

The only "good" news was that this was not a "real" gun. It is a pellet gun (with the orange tip broken off by Bear). It looks and feels exactly like a real gun. The police told Bear that if he, or any other child, had pointed this "gun" at a police officer the child would be shot dead by the police officer. We asked Bear what could have happened if he gave the gun to the friend. Bear could only tell us, "I would get in trouble." He had NO CONCEPT of the consequences of his actions.

Because it was not a "real" gun the police left. The school decided that because it was not a real gun, and because of Bear's diagnoses as emotionally disturbed that he would not have any consequences other than being kicked out of Summer school. He was given a workbook to study for the Math TAKS he was still required to take (Big shock, he never even opened the workbook).

We discovered that Bear had gotten the gun when he spent the night with the emotionally disturbed 19 year old son of our nanny. She had assumed that her 19 year old was better able to make good choices than he was, and really I don't blame the boy (or the nanny). The boy had shown Bear his broken pellet gun. Bear claimed he could fix it for him. To the boy, it was a broken toy and he thought nothing of it. Apparently the toy originally had a red plastic tube that came out of the muzzle that helped to identify it as a toy. Bear broke this plastic piece off. Obviously Bear never intended to return the gun.

At the next IEP meeting just before school started, everyone agreed that Bear was not ready to take Out Classes at the high school. He had also failed the math TAKS for the 3rd time. We could not get them to admit that Bear had any learning delays, but we did force them to give him 2 math classes - one remedial and one on grade level.

Now 4 weeks later, Bear is doing well in his small, structured, program specifically designed for emotionally disturbed youth in this school district. He is mentoring another child. He has almost reached Merit level. Just like last school year. Everyone has begun again with questioning why he was even in the program (and of course letting him know their beliefs), because he is doing SOOOO well. Last year we allowed them to convince us that this was a sign that he was ready to move on and rejoin public school. Now I am convinced that he is doing so well because he is in the right place!

The director assured me that the high school had sent out their "drug counselor" last week to talk to Bear (glad they asked me for my permission - NOT!). They talked about how he was going to be exposed to drugs during Out Classes and how he needs to handle it. The director assures me that they're not going to dump him in a big class like PE after all and the ACHIEVE program at the high school will be there for support (just like the ACHIEVE program supported him in Middle School when he was kicked out and almost got arrested for "terroristic threats"?!).

The director asked me again if I was adamantly opposed to Out Classes. I said YES. He then asked if Hubby was adamantly opposed too? I said we'd talked about it a little and while Hubby may not be "adamantly" opposed, he did agree with me that Bear is not ready to go to public school. Hubby actually wants to send him to HCA (the private school the girls attend). I don't think Bear is ready for that either (or to be more accurate, the school isn't ready or capable), but if my only choices were to send him to public high school or to put him in private school, I would definitely choose private school. Of course we can't afford private school for Bear right now so the point is moot. (Also the school is so small he would be in the same classroom as his sisters and I don't think that will work well!).

So what do you think? Am I making a mistake? Would you let him try public school again? He's asked me several times to do things that require me to trust him, and I can't think of what he could do to get me to trust him enough to do them. EVERY time we trust him he screws it up - dramatically! I really don't think he is capable of doing typical teenage boy things. I think he is still about 2 years old.

Even his therapist apparently doesn't agree with me. He backs me up when I tell him about things like switching Bear to a clear backpack because things are going missing. At the same time, he has switched Bear to every other week in counseling, because he is "doing so well."

Am I the only one who thinks Bear is doing well BECAUSE we are so strict, BECAUSE he's under constant supervision, BECAUSE we don't allow him the freedoms that he wants?! I realize that in 4 years he will graduate high school and be "an adult." Does that mean that I have to keep trying to prepare him for life by letting him fall? Or does that mean I should keep him as safe as possible for as long as I can? *sigh*

Dazed and Confused,

Mary