The words we say

My mom is a beautiful woman inside and out. She is tall (5'6" or at least used to be, she's shrunk a little!), very smart, a great artist, and in the 60s and 70s she had the long straight hair that was so popular. She was blonde through her twenties although it was darker by the time I was old enough to know and remember what she looked like.

This lovely young woman you see in these pictures thought she was ugly. Her mother was a petite Southern lady and this large daughter was huge and awkward. My grandmother let her daughter know she felt this way. To top it off her younger daughter was smaller boned and a ballerina. Much more in keeping with what my grandmother thought a woman should look like.

My mom was born with very large buck teeth and while she did get braces, in those days braces did not do a great job. She also had dyslexia (before anyone knew anything about learning disabilities). For this reason my mom was sent to secretarial school while still in middle school... she was too ugly to get married, and too stupid to go to college. My mom surprised everyone by becoming a National Merit Scholar.

In college my mom became engaged and married to a man about to head to Vietnam. She finished school while he was overseas. She is a loving, giving person who is very sensitive (INFJ - which is a very sensitive personality type that means she makes all her decisions with her feelings).

Upon his return from Vietnam, my father let my mom know that he thought she needed to lose weight and nothing was right about her. My mom is big boned, and even if she were nothing but bones she would probably still be a size 12. There was no way she could be what he wanted, but she still tried.

This is a beautiful, wonderful woman in her 60s. To this day, the harsh words and disapproval
poured over her as a child are still very much a part of her life. She still believes what was said about her, and allowed it to continue to happen throughout her whole life. She passed some of that on to her children - not the belief that they were ugly - my mom could never do that to another human being - but the belief that you must believe and accept others telling you what they think is wrong with you, was definitely passed on to my sister and I and was very difficult to overcome.

There is nothing I can do or say to my mom to change her self-image (believe me I've tried), but I can work with my children to try to overcome their negative images of themselves.

I try to watch every word that comes out of my mouth regarding my children.

When Bob was little I used to go to playdates and talk to the other moms about what a handful she was (she hit the "terrible twos" at 17 months and didn't quit until age 4!). She was only 18 months old and not paying any attention to me.

One day I realized that whether she heard me or not, it was still effecting how I saw her. I stopped calling her the "Bob"inator (sounds like Terminator, get it?!) and telling people about what stubborn, destructive or wild thing she'd done recently, and instead tried to switch it up. I still told stories (I needed those words of affirmation), but the words were about how "smart," "creative," and "persistant" she was. I wish it weren't true, but her behavior improved. I'm happy to report that my attitude improved too.

Listen to your words. What you're saying to your child today becomes part of who they are for the rest of their life.

*****My Mom reads my blog (Hi Grandma!) so please tell her how gorgeous she is because she doesn't believe me! Mom you were really rockin the kneesocks in that picture with baby me on the wall! *****