This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Friday, August 20, 2010

Reader question

Option 1: Normal Teen
Option 2: Attachment to Committment
Option 3: Status Quo

Purplewalls: "Anxious to hear what you all decided, though I have to admit I don't see how option #3 is better than #1. (#2 I don't get at all... me being an "outsider" and all.)"


We haven't actually made a decision yet. As of Saturday's discussion with Bear's therapist I strongly felt we should go with Option 2, but Hubby apologetically came to me and said he didn't think he had the stamina to get through it. So we decided to stick with Option 3. Then his behavior has gotten even worse, and we're discussing Option 3, but even stricter.

To answer Purple's, question, 3 is different from 1 because none of my kids are treated like other people's "normal teens." Actually there are a lot of people with "normal teens" who are as strict or stricter than I am, but not a lot.
  • My son doesn't have a cell phone.
  • He has a 9pm bed(room) time.
  • He is not allowed to go anywhere, even church youth group, without an adult family member. This includes leaving our front yard. We adults are pretty busy so he rarely goes anywhere.
  • He is not allowed to watch PG-13 or rated R movies.
  • Only Christian music is allowed.
  • He is not allowed to watch most cable channels. Even if it's an appropriate movie, if it's on a channel that advertises inappropriate shows like Degrassi and 16 year old parents. No Spongebob, Grossology, Recess... nothing on Cartoon Network (it has one or two appropriate shows, but it was easier to nix it than to argue about it).
  • I don't buy fried or sugary treats, sodas, or keep the house stocked with junk food. No caffeinated beverages allowed.
  • Even when he earned an allowance (which he doesn't anymore because he owes everyone money), he wasn't allowed to keep it in his pocket. I had final say on what he spent it on.
  • If he has friends over, especially girls, they must remain in the common areas of the house. Not even in the upstairs playroom because an adult needs to be able to see them easily.

5 comments:

Megan said...

You are a great mom! I admire your boundaries for your son! We have many of the same for our BP dd, but you have a few more. Great job sticking to what is right for your son!! I know it isn't easy, but then it isn't easy dealing with the effects of being exposed to all of that either!

Miz Kizzle said...

Yikes! No Sponge Bob? No rock music? In your room by 9 p.m.?
I'm an adult with three kids of my own but just reading those rules gives me a hankering to sneak out of my window in the middle of the night and ride around with my friends, blasting hip hop and defying authority.
I know you have good reasons for your style of child rearing but for some kids, the harder you clamp down on them the more they rebel. I suspect that Bear will be over the hills and far away the second he turns 18.

marythemom said...

Miz K - You'd think that wouldn't you? I think the fact that they don't rebel against it shows that they are as emotionally delayed as I know they are. If those were the rules for a 6 year old it wouldn't surprise you, but the truth is that in most ways my kids are 6 year olds with major issues on top of that. Kitty thrives on it. Bear was going to leave anyway whether we were super indulgent or even stricter. Bob is given quite a bit of leeway, just not blatantly so it's not rubbed in the face of the others.

If you've read some of my past posts you know that I feel media can have an overwhelming influence on people. Music especially taps directly into the emotions (although we do listen to rock and rap, just Christian Rock). My kids, especially Kitty, are incredibly vulnerable to this so I try to keep out the unnecessary trauma-inducing stuff whenever possible.

Obviously Bob can handle a lot more than the other kids, but truthfully why should she? Am I any better off for having watched Kick-Ass? There are exceptions made all the time based on the child's individual abilities though.

The 9pm room thing is not really for them though. It's for Hubby and I! We want to be able to do things without having to worry about having a kid watching over our shoulder, and to know they're not getting in trouble without having to watch them. Could be watching a rated R movie, having a private conversation, or just getting some needed downtime.

The time was arrived at by what time the kids could stay up until without having issues the next day. Kitty is actually going to bed a little earlier because she needs more sleep. Ponito is a morning person so he also pretty much goes straight to sleep. Bob stays up reading. Bear, spends an hour in the bathroom (doing who knows what with water running the whole time - I hate that!), and then does who knows what in his room.

Mary

marythemom said...

Miz K - You'd think that wouldn't you? I think the fact that they don't rebel against it shows that they are as emotionally delayed as I know they are. If those were the rules for a 6 year old it wouldn't surprise you, but the truth is that in most ways my kids are 6 year olds with major issues on top of that. Kitty thrives on it. Bear was going to leave anyway whether we were super indulgent or even stricter. Bob is given quite a bit of leeway, just not blatantly so it's not rubbed in the face of the others.

If you've read some of my past posts you know that I feel media can have an overwhelming influence on people. Music especially taps directly into the emotions (although we do listen to rock and rap, just Christian Rock). My kids, especially Kitty, are incredibly vulnerable to this so I try to keep out the unnecessary trauma-inducing stuff whenever possible.

Obviously Bob can handle a lot more than the other kids, but truthfully why should she? Am I any better off for having watched Kick-Ass? There are exceptions made all the time based on the child's individual abilities though.

The 9pm room thing is not really for them though. It's for Hubby and I! We want to be able to do things without having to worry about having a kid watching over our shoulder, and to know they're not getting in trouble without having to watch them. Could be watching a rated R movie, having a private conversation, or just getting some needed downtime.

The time was arrived at by what time the kids could stay up until without having issues the next day. Kitty is actually going to bed a little earlier because she needs more sleep. Ponito is a morning person so he also pretty much goes straight to sleep. Bob stays up reading. Bear, spends an hour in the bathroom (doing who knows what with water running the whole time - I hate that!), and then does who knows what in his room.

Mary

marythemom said...

Miz K - You'd think that wouldn't you? I think the fact that they don't rebel against it shows that they are as emotionally delayed as I know they are. If those were the rules for a 6 year old it wouldn't surprise you, but the truth is that in most ways my kids are 6 year olds with major issues on top of that. Kitty thrives on it. Bear was going to leave anyway whether we were super indulgent or even stricter. Bob is given quite a bit of leeway, just not blatantly so it's not rubbed in the face of the others.

If you've read some of my past posts you know that I feel media can have an overwhelming influence on people. Music especially taps directly into the emotions (although we do listen to rock and rap, just Christian Rock). My kids, especially Kitty, are incredibly vulnerable to this so I try to keep out the unnecessary trauma-inducing stuff whenever possible.

Obviously Bob can handle a lot more than the other kids, but truthfully why should she? Am I any better off for having watched Kick-Ass? There are exceptions made all the time based on the child's individual abilities though.

The 9pm room thing is not really for them though. It's for Hubby and I! We want to be able to do things without having to worry about having a kid watching over our shoulder, and to know they're not getting in trouble without having to watch them. Could be watching a rated R movie, having a private conversation, or just getting some needed downtime.

The time was arrived at by what time the kids could stay up until without having issues the next day. Kitty is actually going to bed a little earlier because she needs more sleep. Ponito is a morning person so he also pretty much goes straight to sleep. Bob stays up reading. Bear, spends an hour in the bathroom (doing who knows what with water running the whole time - I hate that!), and then does who knows what in his room.

Mary