Parent/ Teacher Conference - NO results

As you know, Bear is rapidly going downhill (grades of As and Bs now are Ds and Fs, he's depressed and telling everyone he is "over everything" and "giving up", he's told me he wants someone to hit him so he can "beat the hell out of him," he wants to go to the off campus suspension program, his attendance has never been great - but now he's skipping classes and tardy to at least one class every day...). Quite frankly not much has changed at home, but school is finally having to pay attention because this effects them.

I have a pretty good idea why the change.

First, we finally told him that his life plan of being in the military or the police is not an option due to his mental health and medication issues. Of course we've known this for years, but were trying to get him to consider other options before we told him for exactly this reason - no motivation means no work. He didn't see a need to consider other options when he had a plan and a back up plan, so we finally had to tell him.

Second, no matter how many times I tell him otherwise, he still doesn’t believe me that he can’t move out at 17 so he’s pushing us away in mental preparation for it (he turns 17 this Summer).

Third, he’s now completely lost the support of the small, structured school for emotionally disturbed students (transition was complete in January).

Fourth, the public high school is (finally) much more aware of his actions and behaviors and is really clamping down on him. He is no longer getting away with wandering the halls freely, picking on other students, or many of the little manipulations that he did before, and he has nowhere to blow off steam because he has deliberately alienated himself from all the staff in retaliation for them clamping down on him (vicious cycle!).

Yesterday was the big parent/teacher conference to try to figure out how to deal with this. Instead it ended up being Hubby and I explaining to the staff, why Bear acts the way he does and some ways to handle him. Good information, but should have been covered at the beginning of the school year... Not Now!!

In other words we didn’t address any of my concerns or how to handle them. So Bear will limp through the end of the school year, and since he did so well last semester he’ll still pass all his classes and get promoted to 11th grade. Nothing will happen until next year… after they wait to see if things magically improved over the Summer.

He probably won’t be able to attend Summer School because they don’t offer Special Ed most of the time. The last two years he’s managed to get himself kicked out or didn’t do anything anyway. I’m so frustrated I could scream!

What a way for poor Hubby to spend his 45th birthday. Frustrating Meeting. Then back to his Boring Job (he had a small project, briefly, but now he's back to reading manuals). Major Money Worries (we partially lost a lawsuit in which a former client wanted their money back because she was insane; we have no big clients so no way to pay payroll; back taxes; and we had to refinance the house because we haven't paid either mortgage in forever and they were threatening foreclosure). No Wife (although I did come to bed before midnight for once... and fell asleep while he played video games because for some strange reason he has Insomnia)...

On the bright side, it's better than last year! Last year on his birthday he had to take Kitty to the psych hospital (6 hours of intake waiting with her).

Plus, this year I made him a homemade chocolate birthday cake and gave him a box of Whoppers for his present (kids of course gave him nothing). I cooked him baked "fried" catfish (I rarely make fish because he's one of the few that likes it) and homemade corn bread muffins we didn't eat until 8pm, but it was pretty tasty.

Daddy Discipline

My biggest concern is that Hubby is fighting me on how to handle our son. I read books, belong to multiple list serves and support groups, have attended years of attachment therapy, and go to trainings... but apparently I'm too emotionally involved or something. Or maybe not emotionally involved enough. I don't know.

Hubby decided to take over our son's discipline which has some good points and bad.

Good is that I don’t have to deal with Bear's resentment of me for catching him and disciplining him (although he assumes it was me anyway). The bad is that Hubby doesn’t give me much input into what’s happening and that means most of the time our son is “getting away” with things. Hubby doesn’t want to deal with alarming our son’s bedroom door (Hubby would have to wake up if son went to the bathroom in the middle of the night or left his room to forage) so he won’t do it. Hubby also says son steals during the day too so there is no reason to alarm the door at night.

In our state kids can legally leave home at 17, so Hubby doesn’t want to make son so miserable that he leaves the minute he turns 17 (in about 6 months). My concerns are that if we let our son off easy:
a. he’s not going to be motivated to change or participate in therapy
b. that we have to live with his behavior while he’s here (whether that’s 6 months, until he graduates at age 19, or longer)
c. that he will get worse, because he doesn’t feel safe or that we care enough to keep him in line
d. that he will get worse because he’s getting away with it
e. the stress will continue to damage our relationship with our son – I certainly don’t like him the way he is
f. his behavior will continue to hurt his siblings and his relationship with them
g. the stress of disagreeing with Hubby about this will continue to damage our relationship with each other

I want to alarm his door. Give him writing assignments. Tell him he can’t go anywhere or participate in extra-curricular activities until his “community service hours” are done (he owes us money from a couple of months ago – back when I was still “allowed” to give him consequences). Restrict his computer time and phone time when he is acting up. …Basically be able to give him consequences for his recent rash of thefts and issues. This is so frustrating!

Mary

"Life is not the way it's supposed to be. It's the way it is. The way you cope with it is what makes the difference."

Hubby and Me!

I totally stole this from That Chick Over There. Who is absolutely hilarious by the way! You should check her out.

I love these things! Yes, I'm totally weird that way. This one is different from the usual ones. When you answer, you are answering for you and your significant other. Let me know if you try it.

1. What are your middle names? I hate mine and changed it the minute I got married. Makes me crazy that I had to use it on all the kids' birth certificates because I didn't "legally" change it. Hubby goes by his middle name. It's a family tradition. My dad and Hubby's dad both go by their middle name. Ponito went by his middle name until 1st grade. Now it just depends on how long someone has known Ponito. We have 5 little boys spending the night here for his birthday and about half call him by his first name and half by his middle. (Did you notice that I didn't tell you what my middle name was?!)

2. How long have you been together? We got together in November of 1992! We will be married for 15 years on March 12th!

3. How long did you know each other before you started dating? I met Hubby through a video dating service, before they were online, so technically we didn't know each other before we started dating. In fact, I didn't know Hubby's last name when I came to meet him at work for our first date. I asked for "Hubby" and the receptionist said, "Which one?" It was a tense few minutes. Luckily the other "Hubby" was older and married so I didn't end up with the wrong one! *grin*

4. Who asked whom out? Hubby saw my picture and video and asked me out. I was so busy dating lots of guys (I was 1 of only 2 women under the age of 25 in the whole dating service!) and finals were coming up, that I'd been seriously considering putting myself on hold for awhile. On the day I went in to do so, I got 2 dating requests. One was for a guy that was 6'2" at least and weighed less than I did (and I was a skinny little thing back then!) I looked at Hubby's, and decided that although he had a double chin, his legs looked great so he probably wasn't fat. (Yes, I know, totally shallow!). I wasn't as busy as I thought and decided I would go out with him. I think I called him. I was super busy all weekend (lots of dates with other guys), but I met him at his work and we went out for lunch.

5. How old are each of you? I'm 38 and Hubby is almost exactly 5 years older. Our birthdays are only 3 days apart.

6. Whose siblings do you see the most? Mine definitely. My little sister lives 3 blocks away and we all meet at our mom's for lunch every Sunday. Her little boy is only 6 months younger than Ponito, and is upstairs right now with all the other kids here for Ponito's party. My step-siblings and Hubby's 7 year younger brother all live out of state so we see them very rarely.

7. Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple? That's a tough one. Not having had a paycheck in over a year for both of us is definitely hard for us as a family. Having a daughter who hates men, Hubby in particular, is definitely hard. We deal pretty well with working together. I think it's that I'm freakishly scared of other people's driving. Commuting downtown means we are exposed to a lot more traffic risk. I'm constantly gasping, squeezing his hand, closing my eyes... although I'm better about actually pointing out potential danger. I know it makes him crazy.

8. Did you go to the same school? Kind of. We grew up in totally different parts of the country (although my dad was stationed in Omaha, Nebraska for awhile), but I went to the University of Texas for both my Bachelors and Masters, and Hubby went there about 4-5 years ago and got his MBA.

9. Are you from the same home town? Not even close. I was a military brat and lived in 9 different states and countries before I was 5. Then lived mostly in Texas. Hubby grew up in rural Nebraska.

10. Who is smarter? Probably Hubby by a little. We both have equally high IQs, but I have some learning disabilities. We do have areas where we are "smarter." Hubby can do math in his head that I can't figure out with a calculator, math book, and a year to work on it. I'm pretty strong verbally and with people. We love to do the crossword together, and the 2 of us together is a formidible force!

11. Who is the most sensitive? Most of the time me, but Hubby has a marshmallow core!

12. Where do you eat out most as a couple? Just the two of us? We have lunch together often. Usually fast food or pizza buffet. Dinner doesn't happen very often.

13. Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple? We've gone to Colorado to visit my folks and Nebraska to visit his and get our new children. We've never gone anywhere else together!

14. Who has the craziest exes? Depends on your definition. Hubby dated a woman who ended up being mentally ill and had a lot of issues. I dated a lot more than Hubby though. I think "Not a dime a dozen" (I don't remember his real name), was one of the freakiest.

15. Who has the worst temper? That's a tough one. Both of us have extremely long fuses. There are times when I am easily irritated though. Even under extreme circumstances (Bear throwing punches at him), Hubby has never deliberately struck someone.

16. Who does the cooking? I do most of the cooking, but Hubby is a good cook. He makes homemade rolls, and chicken recipes that are delish! Never makes veggies or side dishes though.

17. Who is the neat-freak? Unfortunately, neither one of us. I am the one that gets freaky when company is coming though. I become a slave driver. Makes Hubby and the kids crazy.

18. Who is more stubborn? Oh me definitely!! When we first got together we found that we were both so easy going that we sounded like the vultures in Jungle Book. "What do you wanna do? I dunno what do you wanna do?" "WE" decided that if neither of us cared that I would "have to" decide. Ok, most of the time I am extremely stubborn and have to be right.

19. Who hogs the bed? As far as I know, neither one of us.

20. Who wakes up earlier? Hubby. He hates it, but he is the most responsible/ reliable. He has to go around waking everyone, including me, up every morning. He is also an incredibly light sleeper so if anyone else gets up he's awake too. Ponito is a freakishly early riser (woke up everyone this morning at 5am!). Bear and Kitty don't sleep well and are often up in the middle of the night (Kitty is NOT a quiet child and sometimes even manages to wake me up!).

21. Where was your first date? We went to lunch at a Mexican food restaurant near where Hubby worked. I already had a date that evening with another guy, but the guy took me home right after dinner because he had to get back to work (the problem with dating engineers!). I called Hubby and we went to a movie (so it was kind of a second date, but on the same day). We sat outside my apartment talking (until my sister/roommate asked us to move on cause we were keeping her up, and we moved further away from the apartment!). We ended up staying up half the night talking.

22. Who is more jealous? I don't think either of us is jealous, especially now. When we were dating, Hubby knew I didn't trust men further than I could throw them so he knew I wasn't serious about anyone else, and I just knew he wouldn't cheat on me cause he wasn't that kind of guy. Guess I had more faith in him then I realized.

23. How long did it take to get serious? It was pretty darn fast. Both of us were ready to get married and I think we could tell that about each other as well. Hubby was everything I was looking for in a guy. Big enough to pick me up (I like to feel delicate! *grin*), responsible (had a real job, made real money, and didn't blow it all on "stupid" stuff like toys (gadgets, sound systems, fancy cars....), handsome but didn't know it (not stuck on himself and not so gorgeous that women threw themselves at him), smarter than me (I wanted to marry someone I respected) and no obvious flaws (I'm still looking actually!). Poor baby didn't know what he was getting into when he married me though! Still, he thinks he's the lucky one because I love him despite his few quirks - whatever works!

24. Who eats more? Him. But I'm the one who pigs out on sweets.

25. Who does the laundry? I make him lug the baskets downstairs, but it's mostly me that washes things and (eventually) puts them away.

26. Who's better with the computer? Hubby, hands down! But I'm the one addicted to it.

27. Who drives when you are together? Hubby, poor thing (see #7).