Katharine Leslie seminar - Coaching

Our job is to teach our children a whole new game plan with a completely different set of rules so that they can be successful members of our team and society. This is more info from Katharine Leslie's great book Coming to Grips with Attachment, which has much more details and even practice exercises.

1. Apply verbal explanations to bad/wrong behaviors aka "connecting the dots." Using as few words as possible, explain why the child is behaving that way and how the child feels (your guess is pretty accurate and better than the child's). You can ask the child to repeat your words to see if you got it right.

• "You hit that child. You are scared of him."
• "You are changing the subject. You are afraid of talking about this."
• "You are out of your chair. You forgot to look around to see that others are not."
• "You are bossing/ parenting. You want to control what's happening."
• "You hugged that stranger. Hugging her is less scary for you than hugging me."

2. Coach or cue positive behaviors that you would like the child to perform.

Say to the child, "This is when you...

• work hard because you want me to be proud of you."
• bring me a book because you love me to read to you."
• go tell that child you are sorry because you hurt him and you feel bad."
• greet me at the door because you are hurt and need me to help you feel better."
• move close to me because a stranger has just come in the room and that makes you nervous."

3. Coach or cue positive/truthful verbal interactions. If you ask the child the following statements she will likely deny the feelings and be defensive, but when they say the words it triggers a different part of the brain and they are less likely to feel defensive. When not in defense mode they can actually assess the words and the lesson behind the words might be internalized.

"This is when you say to me... (finish with the word "go" or "repeat.")

• I feel embarrassed when I do something wrong. Go."
• I am really worried about something."
• I feel really angry when you tell me what to do."
• I don't want to do my school work. School makes me feel dumb."
• I like when we do arts and crafts. Thank you."
• Thank you for helping me." "I needed it."
• I don't want to do my chores. I want to play."

If your child does not respond to the cues the...

• parent does not respond
• parent says to the child, "You can try again later."
• Parent is minimally responsive to the child until the child takes action either with words or behavior.

Notes:

Never ask your child why. That makes them defensive.

Coaching -

• Lowers the caregiver's expectations of love and reciprocity and prevents the child from pretending a parent-child relationship which he knows nothing of.
• Allows caregivers to focus less on diminishing or changing highly resistant negative "stop" behaviors and focus more on teaching positive "start" behaviors (much more pleasant!)
• Allows caregiver to distance themselves from their emotional reactions to the child's behavior.

Katharine Leslie seminar - Reciprocity

I've put off doing this post (or any post) because this was the hardest part for me. The part where I needed to reread the Coming To Grips with Attachment book because I'm still not getting it. I feel like I understand why Bear acts the way he does, and I think I'm better about forgiving him and being less angry with him... but I'm still working on changing things. Of course, as always, I'm summarizing here. If you really want to know how to do this stuff, I can't recommend the Coming to Grips book high enough!



Here's what K.L. suggests you do to keep your level of resentment and anger low (and energy and kindness high).


1. Put yourself and your partner first!

• Ask, "Is this good for me? What's in it for me?"


• Are you including this child in a family activity out of guilt, pity, or because you would enjoy his company? If it's the former two get a sitter.


• Take breaks. It's OK to tell the child you don't have the energy to help them right now and you'll let them know when you're ready to come back (can be a day or weeks - as long as you're recharging).
  
  No emotional responsiveness allowed until you're ready to come back - this is what K.L. recommended for me.


• Tag team with your mate. Neither of you has to be supervising and disciplining all the time. I don't know how single parents do it!


• Date night is an absolute must! No talking about the kids! It's the latter that's hard for Hubby and me.

2. Be responsible for your own needs and insecurities.

• Your kids are not going to love or trust someone who is less in control than they are.


• Know the difference between your personality trait behaviors vs your behaviors that are a consequence of the relationship. Easiest way to tell? Ask yourself do you (or anyone else) act like this all the time with everyone or only in this relationship?

3. Stop beating yourself up! 

We often suffer from the "second arrow" effect.

The first arrow is your "bad behavior."

The second arrow is how you punish yourself for launching the first arrow. 

You need to accept how you feel and then change how you behave.

4. Shift Roles!

If you are feeling awful and/or acting punitive {THIS IS ME!}, you must shift roles {for me switching out of parent/warden role into coaching role}.

You can think positive thoughts and reframe your thinking all you want, but we often get stuck. 

• Give yourself permission to spend less time in the "parent" role. I know this is hard because the parent role is a huge part of your life! 
• Change your role. Think group home leader or coach. Maybe you can think of yourself as "neighbor mom" to that weird neighbor kid who is always at your house - like Kimmy Gibbler, Beans, or Steve Urkel. 

5. You don't have to love this child and they don't have to love you! 

Some of our kids just can't handle the love and intimacy of a family. An authentic parent-child relationship must begin without the expectation that we must love now.

6. Do not sacrifice your physical and emotional health! 

This is huge and takes practice, practice, practice, and scheduling. Do not take on the problems of others either (this includes negative friends who drain you!).

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

HOW DO YOU GET RECIPROCITY?

To get reciprocity from your child you must TEACH him what you need and how to satisfy you. He doesn't know how and he cannot read your mind or learn by example.

For me, this was the most confusing part of Nancy Thomas and the like. Nancy Thomas said you must be the Queen Bee and demanded everyone rub your hands or brush your hair or something. 

Thanks to Katharine Leslie, now I get it!

Satisfying Your Needs
To feel filled up and comfortable, your child needs to be able to satisfy your needs.

So the question is what do YOU need? 

When KL asked me this question, my response was, "I need him to stop lying." "I want him to turn in his writing assignment." 

KL: "The former is a Stop Behavior and we're not ready to make those changes yet. The latter does not really answer the question of how is doing his writing assignment, or chores, or whatever, really benefit you and your relationship."

Instead, we have to figure out what we need. Maybe a good night hug? 

Hugs
Hugs were the example in the book. 

How to Hug:KL says Mom's arms are ALWAYS on top and only moms are allowed to pat. She very specifically teaches the child exactly where the hands go and how tightly she likes to be held.

{Bear does hug me, but always on his terms. When I demanded hugs on my terms Bear fought back and even got his therapist involved ("Mom hugs me too much. I'm not used to hugs, and it makes me uncomfortable." He got the therapist to make this my issue, and I backed off.) }

Ironically,  tonight the next example was "reenacted" by Kitty! Today is her 15th birthday and coincidentally we had therapy too. Our attachment therapist has never approached Kitty for affection (that's for Moms!), but after 3 years of therapy with Kitty and I, Kitty is no longer RAD. 

Tonight, after a walk down memory lane with Kitty, at the end of the session, the therapist asked Kitty if it was OK if the therapist hugged her. Kitty said OK. And the therapist hugged Kitty. Kitty just stood there for a second, then she hugged back. That's when I realized that Kitty has learned how to give good hugs! Before it was like hugging a plastic doll (tense/stiff and cold). Now she molds in and gently squeezes back.

Does Your Child "Get It?"

• Another example of a child who is "getting it." - K.L. overheard some of her children trying to figure out how to get her to take them somewhere. One child says, "Let's tell mom we'll weed the garden for her then maybe she'll take us." She taught them well!
  
• A parent comments about the rain, "Wow it's really pouring out there." The child says, "Not as much as yesterday." Rather than scold him for being contrary, mom says, "Honey, this is where you say to me, 'You are right Mom, it is really coming down.'" He repeats after Mom and she goes on to talk about how great this will be for her garden.
  {I love the technique, "This is where you say, '_____'." I use it all the time.}
  
• A child gets upset when you ask about an assignment and yells, "F___ you!" Obviously, this could mean grounding or some other punishment (which really is punishing you as well). Instead, you say, "Would you like a 'do-over?' Your response did not match the situation so I know something else is going on with you. This is where you say to me, 'Mom, I am so ticked off right now."

One of these would have been a great thing for us to have done Saturday night. 

Bear made the mistake of "growling" a response to Grandma in front of Hubby (Bear is usually on his best behavior in front of Hubby). 
Hubby confronted him on it, at which point Bear instantly dropped into defensive, Fight, Flight or Freeze mode and denied that he'd done it. Hubby then started arguing with him. Bear then claimed Grandma started it by yelling at Bear (perception!) Grandma did not yell and Hubby called him on that too. Bear then got upset with Hubby for "yelling" at him. At this point, Hubby said, what we always tend to say or at least want to say, "I'm not yelling. You want to hear me yelling? I can yell at you!" The situation denigrated to Bear saying he didn't want to be part of the family and he was leaving as soon as he could, and Hubby basically threatening, "you're not acting like part of the family anyway."

There were raised voices and all the kids were upset by the hour-long fighting/argument. Of course, this happened in Grandma's living room where Bear and Ponito sleep on Saturday nights - so BOTH kids were an hour late to bed. Bear did calm down so we let him stay at Grandma's.

Reframing
I wasn't part of this so I can more easily see what "should" have been done. *grin*

I think this probably could have all stopped by Hubby saying like, "Hey Bud, would you like to try that again? Your response did not match the situation so I know something else is going on with you. This is where you say, 'Grandma, I didn't understand what you're talking about and I'm really tired right now.'" 

If Bear chose not to "try again" and continues to argue defensively, then maybe Hubby could have said something like, "I can see you're not able to talk about this right now. That's OK. We can talk about it later." And walk away.


Which leads us to the next points:

• Do not over explain or lecture. K.L. says, "Stop talking. Take action!"
• Do teach appropriate family behavior and skills. Do not expect that doing so will guarantee that they will ever love you or that their past wounds will heal, or that their brains will function normally.

K.L.'s example:
KL's son came in while she was working and began babbling. Not to get her attention, just doing what came naturally. K.L. finally stopped him and said, "Son, another child would have thought to himself, gee my mom is really busy I won't bother her with silly stuff. I'm going to help out and vacuum the living room without being asked and without wanting something in exchange. I am going to do it just because it would make my mom happy." 
He said to her, "Well I didn't know that's what you would want." And he probably didn't/couldn't. She is teaching him step-by-step.

Katharine Leslie seminar* - discipline vs punishment?

OK, I've heard of Discipline vs Punishment.

Discipline is direct training or learning experience designed to develop self-control, self-esteem, moral character, responsible behavior.... It can be positive or negative, but almost always entails acceptance or submission to authority and control.



Punishment happens after the misbehavior. It can be mild (inducing discomfort, shame or guilt)to severe (physical or emotional pain and suffering). Most parents use removal of privileges or objects, time out or spanking as a form of punishment.



All my training classes said punishment is bad. Discipline is good.

Discipline Problems vs Behavior Problems

Discipline problems (noncompliance, misbehavior) occur when the caregivers have not structured the child's environment for success, or when parents are inconsistent (expectations or consequences), non-responsive, or inaccessible. When adults adjust their behaviors and attitudes, often children with discipline problems can be brought under control in as few as 3 to 7 days. This is the premise behind the show World's Strictest Parents.

Behavior problems on the other hand lie within the child. These are persistent behaviors that do not disappear even with the best parenting (although good parenting can help to control the behaviors). These can include impulsivity, inattentiveness, and other behaviors like ADHD, FAD and immature behaviors associated with missing capacities in object relations.



YOU CANNOT EXPECT PUNISHMENT OR DISCIPLINE TO "FIX" BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS!



Having behavior problems is like being born with poor eyesight. No amount of punishing or controlling is going to fix this problem. Glasses will help. However the parent will be responsible for taking the child for regular eye check-ups, teaching him how to care for his glasses, and restricting activities where glasses might break. The goal is that by the time the child is 18, he will be ready and able to take full responsibility for the care of his own eyes and glasses.



So how do you know if your child has a discipline problem or a behavior problem? The best way is to change the home environment. If the behavior stops or improves it is most likely a discipline problem. It it remains unchanged but more in control, and the parent is acting consistently, it is likely a behavior problem.



Punishment vs Consequences



Punishment usually inflicts pain and suffering in hopes of stemming a bad behavior, but consequences do not have to hurt to teach. Lately my FAIR Club assignments for Bear have leaned more toward punishments (reading and writing bible verses and studies about integrity when I know he hates reading and writing, doesn't "get" the concepts, and doesn't really learn that way).



Typical differences between punishment and consequences:



Punishment<-------------------->Consequences

• emotional<-------------------->non emotional/matter of fact


• physically painful<-------------------->not physically painful


• humiliating<-------------------->not humiliating


• arbitrary<-------------------->planned


• sometimes illogical<-------------------->logical/natural


• removal of object privilege<-------------------->adding of task/ responsibility

Both can restrict a child, but the logic is different. For example, after exhibiting poor behavior in a supermarket:

- PUNISHMENT - a parent may restrict a child by sending him to his room.

- CONSEQUENCE - if a child is unmanageable in public places a parent may choose not to take a child to these places until he can demonstrate some restraint.

So the consequence is being used as a preventative measure (like discipline).

Parents need to be "listening" to what the child's behavior is telling them (usually an underlying unmet need) rather than expecting children to perform at things they may not be ready for and then punishing them for bad behaviors.

Obviously Bear has behavior problems instead of discipline problems, and I'm happy to say that we've mostly been doing things right in regards to prevention versus punishment. It's good to have the words though, because I've been feeling more and more like a stubborn, vindictive witch instead of a parent who is lovingly avoiding setting my child up for failure. I need to adjust my mind set too so I can confidently defend my parenting choices for my children.

If my child were 16 months and I did not put a gate on the stairs or outlet covers on all the outlets everyone would agree that I am a bad mama. Child-proofing the house would not be seen as punishment at all in fact prevention is perceived as much better than having to practically sit on your kid and constantly be telling them no, No, NO! If I chose to leave the outlet covers in place, just in case, for many years (yes, we still have outlet covers on all our outlets)... no one would think anything of it because when the child is old enough to be able to handle access to the outlets the covers wouldn't stop him anyway.



If I took my 7 year old niece to the mall and dropped her off, I would be a bad mama. If I dropped my 13 year old off in front of the airport with no ticket (this happened to me at least 3 times), I would be a bad mama. If I dropped my 13 year old at the airport with my credit card (which the airline ticket lady refused to take), would I be a bad mama? What if I got my child her own check book? What if she were 17? What if she were mentally disabled?



What if I don't give my 14 yr old a cell phone? What if I ground him for skipping school? What if I let the well-adjusted appropriately-behaving biochild see a PG-13 movie that's too scary to the adopted one. Or to spend the night at a friends when I won't let the adopted child do the same? What if I don't let him go anywhere without adult supervision... at age 17... am I a bad mama?



FAIRNESS IS EVERYBODY GETTING WHAT THEY NEED. FAIRNESS IS NOT EQUAL.



Soon after the kids first got here we had a birthday party for Kitty. Like we'd always done for our biokids we invited family, friends, neighbors, any of her friends from school (you're supposed to give invitations to the whole class or not at all - we chose the whole class). We ended up with about 20+ kids, half of whom spent the night. Within minutes of everyone's arrival, Kitty was complaining that she didn't want everyone to play with her new game (Dance, Dance Revolution), which she'd tried and hadn't been very good at. Not long after that I discovered she had disappeared. I finally located her in her closet (it's a walk-in!) playing dolls with the youngest girl at the party (one of the girls from her special ed class).



The next year I got smart and blamed finances (not a lie) and told all the kids they could only have 4 friends over, or 2 spending the night (except Ponito who was devastated and everyone agreed he was young and deserved to have more friends over). Kitty did much better with the small group. Bob is an introvert and was fine with it. Bear's first birthday with us he'd been in residential treatment for 3 days, we'd known this was happening so had had a very small family party the weekend before. His next birthday was the day after his adoption and he just had family and a Kleenex girl there because he waited until the last second to invite anyone (I deliberately let that happen). For her next birthday, Kitty had just been released from her second psych hospitalization in a year - so we did just family - and she had to be OK with that.



This year (on Tuesday) Kitty is turning 15. She's doing very well and is pretty emotionally stable. Rather than allowing her to invite everyone she wants and go to some loud noisy place (not that we can afford that anyway), I will continue to use the finance excuse and keep her party fairly small. This is more a preventative measure than anything else. I think she can handle more than she did in the past, and she's not in the FAIR Club, but her world will probably always need to stay small. Honestly the fact that she doesn't protest much makes me think I'm making the right choice.




Paradigm shift:

Old paradigm:

• Behavior is learned from parents
• Children are too young to be diagnosed with mental illnesses
• Parents need to learn to be non-toxic and less permissive
• Child is seeking attention and is manipulatie
• "Acting out" is respone to inner conflict from erly childhood
• The child is ale to act appropriately but won't
• Parents are not asked for input, provider to fix child

New paradigm:
* Behavior results from:

• sensory overload
• distorted perceptions and mood
• inflexibility, anxiety, low tolerance for frustration
• tic, "limbic storms," low impulse control,
• low executive functioning, poor short-term memory,
• difficulty with handwriting, cooordination.

* Child has good and bad days
* Focus on managing the illness
* Parents need extraordinary skills and support

Five Point Sar on Creating Mutual Well-Being

1. Maintain an accurate frame of mind
2. Build a Relationship
3. Give useful consequences
4. Contain/ prevent negative behaviors
5. Coach positie behaviors

How can a traumatized child be expected to engage in reciprocal behaviors (giving) unless first their wounds are healed, they have self love and are willing and able to attach?

• She won't reciprocate because she is wounded.


• She can't reciprocate, because she doesn't know how and has not practiced giving behaviors.

Healing wounds and acting reciprocally are not achieved linearly or sequentially, rather they are achieved at the same time, and one advances the other.

* By the way, a LOT of this stuff is copied directly from Katharine Leslie's power points or books. I realize I haven't been saying this all along, but all of the brilliant stuff is hers and I'm sure all of the mistakes are purely my own.

Katharine Leslie Seminar - Positive vs Negative Behaviors

We tend to focus on "fixing" our child's negative behaviors, and not focus on their positive behaviors. The truth is that these are not opposites of each other, but unique independent sets of behaviors and every child is on a continuum of both.

This is why a child can exhibit all the negative behaviors (lying, stealing, destructive...) and we still love, value and care for them because they also give us a lot of positive/attachment behaviors, like warm eye contact, compliments, doing chores for us "just because," pleasant demeanor...

Positive Contributions

Low ------------------------------------- High

Negative Contributions

Low ------------------------------------- High

The quantity and frequency of positive behaviors better predicts relationship quality than the quantity and frequency of negative behaviors!

NOTE: Reducing negative behaviors does not automatically result in increased positive behaviors!!

Negative Behaviors:
I don't really have to describe the negative behaviors , do I?!

Positive Behaviors:

Shares Parents' Values

Elicits Positive Attention From Parents

Asks for Parental Help and Comfort

Is Caring and Thoughtful of Parent

Demonstrates Trust in Parent

Is Fun To Be Around

Expresses Love and Affection with the Parent

A More Comprehensive List of Positive Behaviors

In Katharine Leslie's Behavior Typologies there are 4 types of children.

1. Invisible Child - this child has low positive behaviors and low negative behaviors.
   Bob sometimes falls here, but not always. I think the term invisible says it all. These are the kids who sometimes fall through the cracks while you're dealing with the others!
2. Incredible Child - this child has high positive behaviors and low negative behaviors.
   This is usually my Ponito. These are the kids that make you want to get up in the morning... and most likely this is not a common type for kids of trauma.
3. Insufferable Child - this child has low positive behaviors and high negative behaviors.
   As you can probably guess, this is where I would put Bear. I'll talk next about why Hubby doesn't agree with me.
4. Eclectic Child - this child has high positive behaviors and high negative behaviors. Eclectic Children give us all the negative behaviors that make us crazy, but also show strong attachment behaviors.
   This is where Bob sits when she's not being invisible, but mostly this describes Kitty... for me. Although Hubby would put Kitty as an Insufferable Child. I put Kitty here because while she whines and has meltdowns, she also comes to me for help, wants to spend time with me... in other words, she meets most of my needs. Bob was definitely here during the "terrible twos" (that lasted almost 3 years!). She made me crazy, but I still loved her.

Why Hubby and I disagree on whether or not Kitty and Bear are Insufferable or Eclectic.

I'm not positive why Hubby and I disagree, but my theory is that it is because the children present themselves differently to each of us and we have different needs to be met (I tend to want more nurturing attaching behaviors; Hubby tends to want compliance (being responsible), honesty and a respectful attitude. In other words he wants RRH-and I want AFTBA. (Family Values - RRHAFTBALL).

Of course another issue is that the kids are better able to meet our needs based on our gender (Bear has issues with women and Kitty has issues with men).

Both of us agree that Kitty has high negative behaviors, but after over 2 years of attachment therapy, I feel that Kitty is finally attaching... to me. She has major issues with men so has kept Hubby at arm's length for years. Any attachment behaviors she does try to show to Hubby he perceives as manipulative... and maybe they are. I feel nurturing and attached to her so am more willing to overlook her negative behaviors.

For Bear it's a little different. As the primary caregiver and most knowledgeable about attachment issues, I perceive Bear's attempts at positive behavior as manipulative and fake. Some of this is my own issues (I felt rejected by him in the beginning when I was giving him my best attachment behaviors and I probably suffer some PTSD from dealing with intimidation and control issues towards me, and of course the downright scary episodes).

A lot of the cause of Hubby and my disagreements is the fact that Hubby flat out does not see Bear's more negative behaviors because Bear hides them from him. Plus, none of these aggressive behaviors are directed at Hubby. From Hubby's point of view, the more aggressive behaviors have gone, and Bear is generally compliant and respectful toward Hubby. Plus, Hubby is not around to catch Bear in the lies as often as I am.

Hubby and I were talking about this while getting ready for Bear's parent/ teacher conference this morning. I'm guessing Hubby feels that I am acting vindictive and intolerant toward Bear... and I can admit that I am to some extent, but I also feel that we are doing Bear a great disservice if we allow him to manipulate and triangulate us.

My approach to discipline is to Structure and narrow Bear's world to a size he is more capable of managing. Hubby's approach is that Bear is about to be let loose in the "real world" so we should let him start dealing with real world consequences.


Posts about Structure vs "Real World"

Structure
Age-Appropriate Parenting
Structure and Caring Support

Real World
Swimming in the Ocean
18 is Not the Finish Line

Swimming in the Ocean

Hubby grew up on a farm in rural Nebraska. His dad was the original Marlboro man. He was the strong silent type with a work ethic that never quit and was ALWAYS respectful, responsible and honest (Yes, this is where Hubby gets this and why I married him!). Besides appearance and the smoking thing (Hubby doesn't), the only difference between Hubby and his dad was that Hubby had more in the way of empathy. If he hadn't been an engineer, Hubby could probably have been a counselor.

In that respect Hubby would probably have been a much better counselor than I because he expects people to live up to his expectations and maintains strict boundaries. Whereas I tend to be a rescuer and create learned helplessness (although I'm much better now than I used to be). I don't always hold strict emotional boundaries either, and I operate in a world of greys rather than black and white.

Obviously we're very different, and our approach to handle the kids is often different as well. Usually Hubby leaves it up to me as I'm the one who reads everything and am mostly the primary caregiver, but lately I've been overwhelmed and not sure how to proceed with Bear so for awhile, Hubby took over. That lasted about 2 weeks then Hubby got a full-time contract job in addition to running our company and didn't have any time left. So it's mostly back on me, but I'm usually going to Hubby for advice.

I know I've talked before about the differences between Hubby and my child-rearing philosophies. After the Katharine Leslie seminars this has become even more apparent. Katharine says we must teach, reteach, and have them practice everything. Until the child is ready to become part of the family his or her world should be pretty small (Basic Accomodations vs Luxury) and there should be correspondent exchanges vs complementary. This is counter-intuitive in a lot of ways and most definitely is NOT FAIR. (Katharine's definition of "fairness" is eeryone getting what they need, fairness is not equal.)

Hubby doesn't see the brain damage and the dysfunction. He thinks the school's testing of Bear's IQ and abilities are wrong (he thinks Bear deliberately "dumbs down" to make life easier on himself). He strongly believes that since Bear is practically an adult then we need to let him discover that he can't act this way in the real world. I think of this as like teaching Bear to swim by throwing him in the ocean.

I've tried to explain to Hubby that Bear can't learn by watching everyone else swim. That despite his age and size he needs to go back to the baby pool and get over his fear of water by splashing around. That someone (us) needs to help him form each and every stroke and have him practice, practice, practice. That he may never be able to swim in the ocean and just because he's going to be there soon is no reason to skip steps or not take advantage of the little time left that we have in which we can force him in the baby pool.

I feel frequently accused of "holding a grudge" by my son because he subscribes to the "out of sight out of mind" philosophy. He is pretty much incapable of controlling his impulses and not lying, but school, and foster care and group homes have taught him that he can "earn trust" with a point system and that every day is a "blank slate." I feel like I'm the only one in his world who thinks he should not only be held accountable but taught the right way to do things - including earning trust, but because I'm not sure how to do this without going full-blown into what Katharine suggests... I feel like everyone might be right. Maybe I should just go with the flow, "parent him with love," work on fun attachment stuff, and just let whatever happens happen...

......................................... oh who am I kidding?!

Anyone have any suggestions how to convince Hubby that I'm right and he's wrong? *grin*

Katharine Leslie seminar - Relationships (Cont.)

Sick of all this Katharine Leslie stuff yet? Sorry, but it was a 2-day seminar so had a ton of info crammed into it. (This post is a continuation of another post, Relationships.)

There are 3 types of Relationships.

1. Hierarchical (like boss-employee) - power is top-down.
2. Intimate (romantic or friendship) - power is shared
3. Combination (parent-child) - power is both top-down and shared.

So how do Relationship Functions work?

1. Hierarchical (like boss-employee) - Exchange service for $$ (overt and concrete)
2. Intimate (romantic or friendship) - Correspondent exchange of service for service 
3. Combination (parent-child) - Complementary exchange of service for service

Relationships require a mutual satisfaction of needs.

Let me say that again.

Relationships require a mutual satisfaction of needs!

Correspondent vs Complementary
How a relationship works is about how needs are mutually satisfied (Reciprocity).

Correspondent Reciprocity - similar or equal meeting of needs. For example, two friends might agree to pay for lunch on alternate Fridays. ("You pay this time, I'll get it next time.").

50% + 50% = 100%

Relationships require a mutual satisfaction of needs 

- but it doesn't have to be equal.

Complementary Reciprocity - acts/parts that complete each other and create a whole - different outcomes, but of equal and fair value to the individuals. 

 90%+10%=100% or 75% +25%=100% or...

For example, 90%+10%=100% - the parent feeds, clothes, changes, and plays with the child. The child returns this with attaching behaviors such as smiling, hugs, and cooing. Both parent and child are content with this arrangement.

75% +25%=100% example - a parent gives an older teen $100 for his/her birthday. Both are equally comfortable with this exchange. However, if the child gives the parent $100 for the parent's birthday, the parent might find this offensive/uncomfortable. If the child calls the parent and wishes him/her "Happy Birthday!", or sends a thoughtful card and/or small gift, then this would feel equal and fair by both parent and child.

Combination Reciprocity - An intimate relationship (like a marriage) is usually a combination of both correspondent and complementary reciprocity. Status quo tends to be 50%/50% (although some people might say 100%/100%); however, in a healthy relationship, there will be times when one partner supports the other through a tough time. {Marriage - Keeping It Together}

No Reciprocity - if one person's needs are not met then it is not a relationship! Instead, it is draining, frustrating, and resentment building for the parent. The child is a bottomless pit and not learning how to have relationships. In addition, the child will NOT feel loved until he/she learns to give!

Parent-Child Relationships are different from other types of relationships, because (most of the time):

• the parents and children do not have the option to "exit" the relationship and seek out alternatives.
• they are highly complex because they combine both hierarchical and intimate relationships.

P-C Relationship Characteristics:

• Permanence/Involuntary Membership - you don't get a choice in parent or child (well, kind of in adoption on the parents' part, but once chosen you don't get to just leave if you feel like it)
• Long-term Physical Proximity -living together
• Dependency (physical and emotional) - we affect each other's identity. Parenthood is a huge part of our identity and it is fragile. We are strongly affected by our child's behavior.
• Huge Inequality of Power.

If the functioning of the P-C relationship goes wrong:

• Superficially love and connect only or primarily to self
• Isolate from the pack
• Feel/create feeling of entitlement
• Act unpredictable, unstable 
• Don't feel safe {Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?}
• Competition for resources
• Emotional drain on parent (and child) {Self-Care, Handling Continuous Traumatic Stress/Caregiver Fatigue}

RAD kids, in other words, have a social relationship disability:

• They do not reciprocate
• They perceive the world as hostile
• They do not know what to do with parents
• Living with "families" is often terrifying to them and they are unable to embrace, assimilate, or mimic positive family interactions.
• They have more intense, frequent, longer-lasting, less tractable behavior problems than securely attached children
• Even with the best of interventions not all weakness can be repaired/healed nor capacities reached {You Have Not Failed!}

The P-C relationship is NOT WORKING! Guess where RAD kids fall in this? Yup! Incapable of maintaining relationships, and yet the parents are being told all the children need is love and they (the parents) should continue to provide for their child without expectations of return. If we do not work toward the child being able to give back then we are victimizing them!

So what do we do and where do we start?

Children with attachment issues canNOT start with a complementary relationship. They must start with correspondent (50%/50%) and HOPEFULLY, they can move to complementary.

We must teach the child how to reciprocate, and help them practice, practice, practice the "giving" behaviors. 

Attachment-challenged children can't be expected to act on what they do not know/understand. Coaching our children to reciprocate both in behavior and words prevents the replay of their old system (love=abuse) and encourages the development of a new healthier system. Non-attachment challenged children can learn from modeling (watching others do things). Attachment challenged children canNOT! They need to learn from rehearsal.

We must place equal value on both the parent's and child's needs (if parent's needs are not met they will feel burnt out and resentful toward the child which thwarts the therapeutic process).{Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage (or relationship), Your Family As A Whole, And Your Child - In That Order!}

Radish: "You love V. (a sibling) best."
(reality: V is showing the most attachment behaviors)
Parent: "Who loves Mommy best? You could love me too. I have plenty of room."

Coach them how to do that! We have to reflect back to the child what his or her behavior evokes. A child not taught how to meet parental needs will likely lack the desire and skills to meet the needs of all others. As a result, they will miss out on the benefits and gifts of a relationship.

Unconditional love is what gets women abused.
Unconditional caregiving can slowly develop into "falling in love with Mom."

Family-Friendly Behaviors (aka RRHAFTBALL)

• Shares Parents' Values
• Elicits Positive Attention from Parents
• Asks for Parental Help and Comfort
• Is Caring and Thoughtful of Parent
• Demonstrates Trust in Parent
• Is Fun to Be Around
• Expresses Love and Affection with the Parent

Next post - Building a Relationship!

Katharine Leslie seminar - Secure Attachment

Katharine Leslie and Mike the founder of Advocates for Children of Trauma (ACT).

Katharine changes her hairstyle almost as often as she does shoes (and she loooves shoes!). It was my job at the seminar to check people in as they arrived. A woman walked up and I asked her her name.
"Katharine"
Me: "Last name?"
KL: "Katharine Leslie"
Oops.
She sweetly mentioned that she'd changed her hair color and style since the last seminar. I'm still a dork.


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Secure attachment requires the development of Object Permanence and constancy.

There are three basic steps to this process:

1. Building Safety. You cannot attach or love if you do not feel safe. Safety for kids of trauma comes from routines and security (which can be things like physical holds and alarms on the door, but also regular meal and bedtime routines). Parents MUST proved for basic needs (food, shelter, warmth) routinely and predictably, BUT feeling safe takes time. It took many years for them to feel unsafe and not trust, You can't expect them to trust just because you know they're safe now. It takes time to unlearn those defense mechanisms that once were necessary for survival.  {Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?}
2. Falling in Love. Dopamine is the brain chemical that makes everything seem more fun and interesting. We cannot fall in love without positive fun and interaction.

Think about this. You would not walk up to someone and say,

"Hey, what's your name?

Hi Larry, you're going to be my new husband. You will live in my house, take my last name, and do all the chores on this honey-do list. You are not allowed to talk about your other life. Your wife was mean and she does not love you like I do.

You love me and I love you.... say it! Say you love me!" 

---------- Of course you wouldn't do this! You get to know each other. You date. You have fun, conversations, and play together.

I can hear you thinking, "My kid's behavior was horrible today! He doesn't deserve to go on a fun outing. He'll think he's won.

I get it, but he may not deserve it, but he needs it. 

We tried to balance this so it didn't feel like a reward and wasn't a "blank slate" (we're going to forget what he did ever happened. 

Plus, if we stayed home, or one parent stayed home, then the family couldn't go anywhere or do anything together, because one of the kids was in trouble (always!).

Our solution? All the children were allowed to go on "family activities" (or we found something else for that child to do with a trusted adult if he or she couldn't handle the activity, because it was overwhelming or triggering). 

If the whole family was doing something together, like going to the park, or the movies, or out to eat... then the child could go. We wanted there to be obvious rewards to being part of our family.

1. 3. Claiming and Belonging. This cannot come first! You need the other steps to come first. You also must honor the child's choice to be a member of the family or not and shift roles accordingly. 

Until a child is a member of the family they should receive "The Basic Package" Accommodation.

• Provide a "structure and rehabilitation" environment (vs. "love and affection" environment). {Structure and Caring Support}
• Meet the child's basic needs for food, shelter and warmth.
• Provide affection in response to the child's demonstration of affection, but only if it's appropriate (Kitty likes to randomly come up behind me when I'm sitting and "hug" me. There's no way for me to hug her back or even make eye contact. To me, that's not "appropriate" affection).
• Draw attention to the "giving and taking" that is part of every interaction. {Reciprocity}
• Give and allow consequences that will evoke caring behaviors. {Therapeutic Parenting and The FAIR Club}

Katharine suggests no chores or family expectations until your child is part of your family. Even the names "Mom" and "Dad" are nicknames that grow out of love and can wait until later to be used.

"The Luxury Package" Accommodation
Basic package plus "family perks"

• All things that children don't need but come out of the goodness of a parent's heart (ex. extra-curricular activities, chauffeur services, vacations, parties, dinners out).
• To qualify for this package a child has to mutually satisfy parental needs in some ways, most of the time.

Earning the Luxury Package
A child can "upgrade" by performing certain family-friendly behaviors.
How do you know whether or not your child has given enough to deserve an upgrade and is ready to be part of the family?

Close your eyes and picture a child. How do you feel when you look at this child? Do you feel happy and loving? Do you feel warmth?

Any time you wonder if your child is ready, close your eyes and picture your child. Does the thought of your child make you feel warm and happy. A joy to your heart as opposed to sadness, emptiness, rejection, or fear. {Positive vs Negative Behaviors}

Until the child makes you feel this way he or she is not ready to be part of the family. It cannot be earned or forced. It is a feeling.

A relationship is defined as a MUTUAL satisfaction of needs.

• There is no mutual well-being if a parent is providing luxury accommodations and the child is not earning the perks.
• The child will be momentarily happy (as long as the perks keep coming), but the parent will not.
• The ramifications to your child's development and the parent-child relationship go much deeper than happiness.

So here's what happens:

1. The parent receives little or no positive response from the child and often the child is neglectful of and abusive to the parent. Without either one's needs being met, and unable to "exit" the relationship, there can be little to no feelings of attachment (leaving resentment and apathy).
2. The parent's natural frustrations, disappointments, feelings of being used up, resentments, and demands from the child... are viewed as weaknesses, even emotional disabilities (unresolved issues) that require therapeutic interventions. Therapists blame the parents for their bad feelings about the child or might switch to the more willing "client" ignoring the elephant in the room.... which causes a lack of faith in therapy for the parent.
3. Everyone presumes that if the child's needs are met he or she will naturally begin to Reciprocate. Loving the child and satisfying his or her needs is not enough. The child MUST be taught how to be in a relationship.
   Tip: Role modeling does not work with our children!

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This is the hard part for me. I had never heard of RAD or any of this when we first got Kitty and Bear. We had two bio children. We felt it wouldn't be fair to not treat the new children exactly like we treated our own. We lied to these two children we just met, and told them we loved them when we didn't - couldn't.

We started with claiming and belonging and didn't realize the full-extent our children needed safety and security. It's been three years of giving our children the luxury package.

Both the children and myself are not benefiting from or satisfied with the relationship. I feel used up, resentful, angry... all the things mentioned by Katharine Leslie. The kids are unable to reciprocate and be part of a relationship. Kitty is better, but Bear... not even close.

My interactions with Bear have become punitive... the thought of him giving me a hand massage (one of the reciprocating suggestions by Katharine), made my skin crawl. I do not want him to touch me. I do not want to be around him. I do not like him.

So now what?

Katharine told me to take a few months break from Bear. Umm... not sure how to do that, but I am going to back off for awhile and finish reading When a Stranger Calls you Mom, then most likely reread Coming to Grips with Attachment. If that isn't enough, then I'll call Katharine Leslie and ask her advice.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED:

• No matter how much healing my child does, if I've allowed myself to become completely drained, then I have no emotional reserves left. You can't fill from an empty cup. Self-Care! Caring for the Caregiver!
• It took me a long time, but I finally realized I needed to change my priorities or I and my whole family would suffer. Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order! 
• Understanding WHY my child is acting this way helps me be more empathetic and provide my child with the most effective support {Why Won't My Child Just Behave?}
• I'm working hard to remember that I didn't cause this and it most likely isn't "fixable," especially this late in his life. {You Haven't Failed }
• Pouring everything I have into him doesn't work so I shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to do it anymore. {Relationships and Relationships (cont.)}
• I have a right to grieve the child/relationship I thought I was getting. {Finding the Joy}
• He doesn't "deserve" all the privileges of being part of this family... they're hurting him not helping him. I need to provide the structure he actually needs and the caring support that I hope will lead to attachment.{Structure and Caring Support}
• I need to set up fun times with positive interactions so we have the opportunity to fall in love instead of focusing on punishment and chores.
• This post has more information about how the Basic Plan vs Luxury (Family) Plan looked as the kids moved into their late teens, and we decided to revisit it to remind them of the difference of living like a boarder vs the privileges that came with being part of the family.. 

Anyway, I learned more at the seminar so expect more posts!

Katharine Leslie books

Essie, to get Katharine Leslie's books you need to go to her website. http://brandnewdayconsulting.com/

When a Stranger Calls You Mom (which I haven't finished yet, but I've been quoting here along with stuff from the seminar). This book is her first one, but I think it's been revised recently. Love it so far!

Coming to Grips with Attachment was the first one I read. It's full of practical advice and is written workbook style. I wish this was required reading for new foster/adopt parents! Lisa loaned it to me and I loved it so much I went out and bought my own copy.

What I Love About You is different. It's kind of a baby book/life book with a poem. It is beautifully hand crafted and bound. Katharine suggested giving the older child a new life story if they don't have one or just because you think the child deserves a happy one (obviously this depends on the child). For those without baby pictures they can choose from family pictures (like you as an infant or toddler!) or they can go through magazines and choose pictures that look like the child might have looked at that age.

Katharine Leslie seminar - Object Permanence (cont.)

This post is a continuation of this one.

There are tons of ramifications of missing out on those early childhood milestones - ones that effect our kids for the rest of their lives. Piaget was one mentioned by Katharine Leslie that I remember from my college days. She quoted a lot more recent studies of the developmental stages too. (edited to add: Apparently most of what I quoted here was Piaget)

I mentioned some of the issues with not acquiring the basic building block of object permanence - the inability to attach to or trust someone who disappears the moment they step out of sight, but there are more long-range consequences to this as well, including the ability to reason.

Infants don't have access to their emotions or logical thinking. All of that is done in the fore brain which they don't have access to yet. They operate on the "Sensory Motor" level until about age 2. This means they use their 5 senses to create meaning - smell, hearing, vision, touch and taste. They rely on your brain to tell them what's going on and how to respond. They can sense your biorhythms and can tell you're lying.

From 2-6 they're in the "Pre-operations" stage which means they create meaning through fantasy.

Ex. 1 If you show a child a man and ask if he is a man or woman, the child will correctly identify him as a man. However put the same man in a wig and a dress and the child under 6 will say it's a woman. Over age 6 the child will correctly identify him as a man.

Ex. 2 Katharine Leslie's daughter refused to wear boy's underwear because she thought she would automatically have a penis - which would disappear when she removed them.

From 7-11 they're in the "Concrete Operations" stage which means they create meaning through reality. It's not until age 12 through adulthood that we are able to create meaning from thought without needing sensory input ("Formal Operations"). Blah, blah, blah...

So here's the example that hit home for me. Kids with arrested development at the Preoperations stage (which is common for children of trauma), are not able to understand how we can infer things without seeing them. If you can't see it Mom, it didn't happen. You can't know.

• Two-year-olds hide behind the couch to "make a stinky"... how did you "know" their diapers weren't clean?!
• Your child's face is covered in chocolate, but you weren't there to see them eat it. You can't know they did it. You weren't there!
• Let me say that again, If you can't see it, you couldn't know! They are very visual and must touch or feel everything.
• Your child feels that you are persecuting your child "illegally" if you figure out/ assume/ intuit/ put together... anything.
• If you know that your child is the one who usually steals, is the only one who had access to whatever item it was, and you found it hidden in the suspected child's room (or in their hot, little hand!) your child literally does not "get" how you could accuse them... their brain does not work that way so they don't understand yours.
• Not Me and his cousin Ida Know live in our house. My children know that it wasn't themselves who did it so it must be Not Me or Ida Know. The reason they know is that Mom couldn't have found out because she wasn't there to see it
• Added to this is "wishful thinking." Kids can want something so badly that they believe it, so it is true. I firmly believe that they could pass a lie detector on this. It becomes their reality and I don't think they even remember that wasn't how it happened. This is HUGE in my house. I think because Kitty (and possibly Bear) are stuck in this "Pre-operations" stage.

It is believed that the reason so many children of trauma are stuck in the pre-operations stage is because it allows children to fantasize that they are omnipotent and invulnerable which alleviates the stress of being traumatized. Humans feel the need to be certain (to resist stress) so they try to make sense out of what is not sensible - I think of dreams as a good example of this. Most of the time a dream is a series of images that need processing. We try to put those images into a "story" or something that makes sense.

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For a child stuck in pre-operations stage, if you are out of sight, your instructions won't stick either.
To get the child to do something they need to be told in black and white. "I want you to bring me a glass of water with two ice cubes," not just "do it" or "bring me a drink." They forget what you ask them to do and/or don't remember how you like things, so they bring you what they would want. Instead of a glass of ice water you might get orange juice full of crushed ice.

This is mindless intentionality. The child is doing what comes naturally, not deliberately defying you on purpose.

This child has brain damage. If we put effort in early on, it will slowly get better, but we can never assume it is "fixed." Effective treatment doesn't mean the behavior stops. The goal is to limit/ contain it until we can live with it. We need to shift our parenting paradigms from issues of intent and control to issues of brain dysfunction.

We're not dropping our expectations, we're just changing them. We have to change how we think about them and give ourselves a chance to mourn the loss of our idealized child. We have a right to say, "I hate this kid."

To help a child with object permanence you can try memory games and other things that build concentration to help them move through this stage. Attachment is not possible until they "get" this.

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Another problem for our kids is that they often adopt belief systems or world views that make them feel "in the know." These beliefs can be quite wrong, like thinking errors.

The following is the list of common beliefs that Katharine Leslie put in her book, When a Stranger Calls You Mom. I have to say Bear definitely believes most if not all of these. Kitty believes a lot of them.

• Those who love me will hurt me.
• It is safer to get my needs for closeness met by strangers or those who are not important to me. (Can you say, "Kleenex girls"?! I knew you could.)
• I have to look out for myself, cause nobody else will.
• I have to hurt others before they hurt me.
• I lose myself (I will die) if I become who you want me to be (like you).
• I might as well lie, no one believes me anyway.
• I'm forced to lie when people ask me questions.
• People should stay out of my business.
• If I want something than I should have it.
• If I see something I want I should take it.
• People make me mad.
• When I'm mad I don't care who gets hurt.
• People deserve what they get.
• If I don't get what I want you are to blame.

I swear it's like she's living in my house.

What I got from the ACT conference - relationships

The main thing I got from Katharine Leslie's presentation was about Relationships (interdependence, reciprocity...). I learned that I do not have a relationship with my adopted children because a relationship is...


Relationship: A mutual satisfaction of each other's needs.



Correspondent Reciprocity: (big words, but don't worry it'll be OK!!)
Most friendship relationships are 50/50 equal. I pay for Jeri's lunch on the way to the seminar. She pays for mine on the way back. She drives, I offer a shoulder to cry on (not literally - she's driving!). Mike, the organizer of the seminar, offers us a place to stay. We volunteer at the seminar, lugging things, helping with check-in. We are all more comfortable with the equality of the relationship. As adults, we can handle things being uneven for a while, but usually, the person asking for more feels guilty (and the person giving might feel resentful) until the scales can balance.



Complementary Reciprocity: People give and take different things, but are equally satisfied.

75% (parent) + 25% (child)=100% or even 90% (parent) + 10% (child) =100% 

Complementary Reciprocity is typical for healthy parent-child relationships. For example, a parent may give an adult child $100 dollars as a birthday present. Both are comfortable with this exchange; however, if the child were to give the parent $100 or an equally expensive gift for the parent's birthday this would most likely upset the parent. A thoughtful card, a small gift, or a phone call would be more appreciated/ appropriate. (obviously, this is just an example).


An intimate relationship (like a marriage) is usually a combination of both correspondent and complementary reciprocity.



When Reciprocity is not working correctly in Parent-Child relationships:

Unconditional Caregiving
A child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (or really most children of trauma) has no idea how to reciprocate. They do not learn to have healthy relationships with others or themselves. They feel isolated, entitled, superficial love...

Providing unconditional love to a child without getting anything in return will make you sick. (If this were a stranger or a celebrity it would be called stalking!).{Giving Until There's Nothing Left - But My Child Needs Me!)} Instead, we should practice unconditional caregiving.

Children have to be taught how to reciprocate. Unlike healthy children who can learn through their parent's role modeling of appropriate behavior, traumatized children have to be taught - more on that in this post - Relationships(Cont.).



When Reciprocity is working correctly in Parent-Child relationships:

Correspondent:

• Positive interactions
• Each has pride in the other

Complementary:

Child needs:

• Accurate reflection of self as worthy and lovable
• Support for exploration and expression
• Knowledge and skills as to how to please the parent

Parent needs:

• Acceptance of parental warmth, affection, support
• Compliance with limit settings and directives
• Signs of appreciation and love/adoration

As a sweet biochild without a traumatic background, Ponito has Reciprocity down cold. Love that kid.

We had a skirmish today because he's been lying when he forgets or doesn't want to do something (usually a chore).

Recently, he was caught and confronted about a major lie (not feeding the dogs!). When I confronted him on the lie he pouted and then got angry. I tried to get him to understand that I wasn't mad, I just needed him to tell me when he didn't do something, so we could fix it.

Grandma is finally back from vacation (missed you, Mom!). She took an upset Ponito with her to pick up Bear after school. When Ponito came back, he was calm, and eventually climbed in my lap gave me a kiss (his Love Language, and one of mine, is Physical Touch), and said he was sorry. It took a little more coaxing to get him to talk it through.

**At bedtime tonight, we discovered that when he'd gotten mad and slammed around in his room, he'd ripped the shutters off one of his windows - destroying the shutters and damaging the wall.

Now, he'll have to reimburse us for the repair work. He recently earned almost $30 that he was planning on using to buy Speed Cups (toy). That money will probably get confiscated. Sad really. He worked hard for that. He won't like it, but (unlike Kitty and Bear) he'll understand that actions have consequences and learn from his mistakes.

Kitty also had a meltdown tonight. I'm putting it on a different post because this is already long enough.

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For more information about Relationships, see this post - Relationships(Cont.)