What to do? What to do?

Bear's ARD - IEP meeting is Thursday. On Saturday, Hubby and I discussed our options on how we want to proceed this next year and that of course effects how we'll proceed with what we want at the ARD.

We started thinking we should back off on fighting to get Bear in the special school because he seems to be motivated to do well in school this year so he can get his license and go to Oklahoma to live with his Grandfather (whom we know nothing about, including whether or not this is a valid option for Bear). Then I started getting ready for the meeting and reviewing the reasons we made push for changes at the last ARD, and remembered the feelings and events. Oh yeah! Now I remember. Guess I'd repressed it.

Tonight we'd arranged an emergency meeting with Bear's therapist to discuss how we should proceed. He asked me to describe the options we'd come up with and how we felt about them.


1. Normal teenager - basically give him a clean slate and let him easily earn all the "normal" teenage stuff. This seems to be the option of choice of the caseworkers, school and therapists.

*Sometimes feels like Hubby thinks this way too, but as an option this one bothers Hubby the most. He feels this should be earned. Plus it would require us to trust Bear at home alone and in other ways that we don't feel comfortable with.*

Grandma prefers this option. She suggested it's too late for him to really attach to us at this point (let's face it, 17 is not the typical age and might even seem abusive), and our best bet is to focus on getting him ready for the real world. Her advice, if we must try to link his behavior with the family to his objectives is to make it very concrete and short term. Ex. Bear must behave appropriately with the family for one week, at which point he will be allowed to get a job. He must work well for 2 months at the job, and surrender all paychecks. At the end of 2 months if he's behaving appropriately he can start Defensive Driving (if at any point he's not behaving, then he loses his job and can't try again for a month).


2. Attachment to Commitment - basically commit to Katharine Leslie, and if we can afford it, do some consulting with her. Put Bear on notice that if he wants to do family stuff, then he has to be part of the family. Step up therapy, step up everyone's commitment and dedication.

Attachment techniques are often counterintuitive to normal parenting techniques and could even be seen as abusive.

• Having to earn the right to a hot meal with the family, can look from the outside as though you're scapegoating or emotionally abusing the child who eats a sandwich in another room.
• Teaching reciprocity requires making the child earn things (like help with homework, a ride to school, time to talk to parents) that are just naturally given by parents to healthy kids.
• Enforcing parental control (so the child learns to trust that you can keep him safe) can look over controlling and severe.
• With Kitty we did have to use physical restraints to keep her safe. This was what she absolutely needed. Bear needs to know that we can restrain him too (for the same reason - he is full of fear and MUST feel safe). On the other hand I am 95% sure we won't need to actually restrain him, he just needs to know we CAN.

This is one reason we've not totally committed to doing this for Bear. We did do this for Kitty and I firmly believe this is why she is attached now. If we choose this option, I feel we will need at least one strong professional support/advocate. So far all those concerned have said they'd "support" us, but all that means is they'll back us up (if we're lucky) not advise or help us. I'm afraid to make this choice without someone saying we're doing the right thing (not just to me, but to outsiders and the school, caseworkers, and family) and helping us figure out what that is. Then as Bear's therapist also pointed out, I need one more person to be fully committed, and that's Hubby.

Hubby's biggest concern is the effect this is going to have on the family. He is miserable being warden, and he’s already pretty overwhelmed as it is. Plus he knows I'm off my meds and taking on something like this, knowing confrontation and dealing with Bear in a bad mood is always stressful for me, well….

He worries most about the littles dealing with this, but in this respect I feel this option is better for the kids, because it gives us an "excuse" to protect them that we don't use now. (A kid in this program is not wanting to be/able to be part of the family, and therefore is not allowed to interact with the family on any terms but those set by the parents - which means we can say, "NO interaction with the other kids at all until he's ready to handle it.) We'd also go back to Grandma having extremely limited interaction with him as well.

The way I see it, the most we'd have to handle this intensity is 11 months. After that Bear turns 18 and leaves, or it "worked" and he's willing to stay. Still this is a MAJOR commitment, and until we can get our ducks in a row, then it looks like we’ll be sticking with status quo… with a few new twists.

I don’t think status quo will make any improvements for Bear, but it is evident that we’re kind of stuck with it for now.

3. Status quo - keep Bear under fairly close supervision, but still allowing him to do all the family stuff and a little "normal teen" stuff. I worry that this means keeping up the Mexican standoff and continue to let him treat women and kids as though it's OK to snap at us and be grumpy.

This is a combo of the other two options and is really a compromise. My concern is that it compromises so much that it loses the benefits of both (just enough Normal Teen to torment him like a carrot he knows he cannot have and be able to blame us for keeping it from him... and just enough Attachment to "poke the bear" and make him want to rebel against it and make us look "bad" to outsiders).

*This option makes me unhappy because I think it keeps everyone miserable - including Bear, and it means we're giving up hope that anything will improve because we're not doing anything differently. Over the years Bear's made lots of improvement, but it feels like we're regressing now.

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I didn't adopt Bear thinking, "Oh, I want to adopt kids so I can keep them from killing themselves (joining a gang, getting someone pregnant, taking drugs...) until they are 18, and then be done with them." I'm also not foolish enough to think my kids are going to fall in love with me and think I'm the best thing since sliced bread and I'll be the perfect parent (not that I would have been adverse to this, just saying I am realistic). I do love my son and want him to at the very least have some idea of how to love, trust and respect females. Doesn't have to be me, but if not me... who? and if not now... when? My goal for Bear and our family is not, "Do no harm," it's more like "Help them 'be all they can be.'"

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Over the past few days Grandma and all the kids have come up to me and commented on how hard Bear has been to live with for the last month, and how unhappy he's made everyone else - grumpy, irritable, rude, and of course sleeping. I don’t know what happened today at Grandma’s, but when I came home and said something to him (I think I asked who made brownies – this is an ongoing issue between Grandma and I. She apparently hates whole wheat flour and rarely uses artificial sugars. So the kids, especially Bear, love to eat and cook at her house. I have a horrible sweet tooth so I can’t resist either. Bear is majorly straining all his clothes, Kitty is gaining back the weight she lost this Summer. It’s frustrating. Plus, Bear put the dozens of brownies on the counter right before dinner, ate a few or more, and put a sign on them stating they were for sale $.10 apiece. I don’t like the idea of having them in the house in the first place, let alone making a profit off his siblings, or having cash in his pocket. I didn’t tell him no, just questioned what they were made of, who made them, and commented that I do not like the idea of charging for treats made with ingredients paid for by someone else. I plan to hide them before bed so the “Midnight Muncher” won’t eat them.)

Anyway, Bear bit my head off and then told me he didn’t want me to talk to him because he’d had a bad day. A little while later I dared speaking to him again, asking him if he’d had his mid-day meds (it was 7pm. He’s supposed to take them by 4pm at the latest). He snapped a “No” at me and said he’d do it. Flash forward to 15 minutes before bedtime (8:45pm), when he should already have taken his night meds. I asked him if he’d taken his mid-days and he jumped down my throat again. When I fussed at him for not taking them when he said he would, he denied my having mentioned it earlier. I also told him not to speak to me that way, and he justified his behavior by saying I’d irritated him earlier by fussing at him. Hubby mostly just listened, but did call him on his attitude a little.

Tomorrow is the ARD and I've been ignoring all the amazing IEP resources that Struggling To Stand gave me months ago. Guess I better get my rear in gear! And get some sleep right now!

Katharine Leslie Seminar - Positive vs Negative Behaviors

We tend to focus on "fixing" our child's negative behaviors, and not focus on their positive behaviors. The truth is that these are not opposites of each other, but unique independent sets of behaviors and every child is on a continuum of both.

This is why a child can exhibit all the negative behaviors (lying, stealing, destructive...) and we still love, value and care for them because they also give us a lot of positive/attachment behaviors, like warm eye contact, compliments, doing chores for us "just because," pleasant demeanor...

Positive Contributions

Low ------------------------------------- High

Negative Contributions

Low ------------------------------------- High

The quantity and frequency of positive behaviors better predicts relationship quality than the quantity and frequency of negative behaviors!

NOTE: Reducing negative behaviors does not automatically result in increased positive behaviors!!

Negative Behaviors:
I don't really have to describe the negative behaviors , do I?!

Positive Behaviors:

Shares Parents' Values

Elicits Positive Attention From Parents

Asks for Parental Help and Comfort

Is Caring and Thoughtful of Parent

Demonstrates Trust in Parent

Is Fun To Be Around

Expresses Love and Affection with the Parent

A More Comprehensive List of Positive Behaviors

In Katharine Leslie's Behavior Typologies there are 4 types of children.

1. Invisible Child - this child has low positive behaviors and low negative behaviors.
   Bob sometimes falls here, but not always. I think the term invisible says it all. These are the kids who sometimes fall through the cracks while you're dealing with the others!
2. Incredible Child - this child has high positive behaviors and low negative behaviors.
   This is usually my Ponito. These are the kids that make you want to get up in the morning... and most likely this is not a common type for kids of trauma.
3. Insufferable Child - this child has low positive behaviors and high negative behaviors.
   As you can probably guess, this is where I would put Bear. I'll talk next about why Hubby doesn't agree with me.
4. Eclectic Child - this child has high positive behaviors and high negative behaviors. Eclectic Children give us all the negative behaviors that make us crazy, but also show strong attachment behaviors.
   This is where Bob sits when she's not being invisible, but mostly this describes Kitty... for me. Although Hubby would put Kitty as an Insufferable Child. I put Kitty here because while she whines and has meltdowns, she also comes to me for help, wants to spend time with me... in other words, she meets most of my needs. Bob was definitely here during the "terrible twos" (that lasted almost 3 years!). She made me crazy, but I still loved her.

Why Hubby and I disagree on whether or not Kitty and Bear are Insufferable or Eclectic.

I'm not positive why Hubby and I disagree, but my theory is that it is because the children present themselves differently to each of us and we have different needs to be met (I tend to want more nurturing attaching behaviors; Hubby tends to want compliance (being responsible), honesty and a respectful attitude. In other words he wants RRH-and I want AFTBA. (Family Values - RRHAFTBALL).

Of course another issue is that the kids are better able to meet our needs based on our gender (Bear has issues with women and Kitty has issues with men).

Both of us agree that Kitty has high negative behaviors, but after over 2 years of attachment therapy, I feel that Kitty is finally attaching... to me. She has major issues with men so has kept Hubby at arm's length for years. Any attachment behaviors she does try to show to Hubby he perceives as manipulative... and maybe they are. I feel nurturing and attached to her so am more willing to overlook her negative behaviors.

For Bear it's a little different. As the primary caregiver and most knowledgeable about attachment issues, I perceive Bear's attempts at positive behavior as manipulative and fake. Some of this is my own issues (I felt rejected by him in the beginning when I was giving him my best attachment behaviors and I probably suffer some PTSD from dealing with intimidation and control issues towards me, and of course the downright scary episodes).

A lot of the cause of Hubby and my disagreements is the fact that Hubby flat out does not see Bear's more negative behaviors because Bear hides them from him. Plus, none of these aggressive behaviors are directed at Hubby. From Hubby's point of view, the more aggressive behaviors have gone, and Bear is generally compliant and respectful toward Hubby. Plus, Hubby is not around to catch Bear in the lies as often as I am.

Hubby and I were talking about this while getting ready for Bear's parent/ teacher conference this morning. I'm guessing Hubby feels that I am acting vindictive and intolerant toward Bear... and I can admit that I am to some extent, but I also feel that we are doing Bear a great disservice if we allow him to manipulate and triangulate us.

My approach to discipline is to Structure and narrow Bear's world to a size he is more capable of managing. Hubby's approach is that Bear is about to be let loose in the "real world" so we should let him start dealing with real world consequences.


Posts about Structure vs "Real World"

Structure
Age-Appropriate Parenting
Structure and Caring Support

Real World
Swimming in the Ocean
18 is Not the Finish Line

Katharine Leslie seminar - Relationships (Cont.)

Sick of all this Katharine Leslie stuff yet? Sorry, but it was a 2-day seminar so had a ton of info crammed into it. (This post is a continuation of another post, Relationships.)

There are 3 types of Relationships.

1. Hierarchical (like boss-employee) - power is top-down.
2. Intimate (romantic or friendship) - power is shared
3. Combination (parent-child) - power is both top-down and shared.

So how do Relationship Functions work?

1. Hierarchical (like boss-employee) - Exchange service for $$ (overt and concrete)
2. Intimate (romantic or friendship) - Correspondent exchange of service for service 
3. Combination (parent-child) - Complementary exchange of service for service

Relationships require a mutual satisfaction of needs.

Let me say that again.

Relationships require a mutual satisfaction of needs!

Correspondent vs Complementary
How a relationship works is about how needs are mutually satisfied (Reciprocity).

Correspondent Reciprocity - similar or equal meeting of needs. For example, two friends might agree to pay for lunch on alternate Fridays. ("You pay this time, I'll get it next time.").

50% + 50% = 100%

Relationships require a mutual satisfaction of needs 

- but it doesn't have to be equal.

Complementary Reciprocity - acts/parts that complete each other and create a whole - different outcomes, but of equal and fair value to the individuals. 

 90%+10%=100% or 75% +25%=100% or...

For example, 90%+10%=100% - the parent feeds, clothes, changes, and plays with the child. The child returns this with attaching behaviors such as smiling, hugs, and cooing. Both parent and child are content with this arrangement.

75% +25%=100% example - a parent gives an older teen $100 for his/her birthday. Both are equally comfortable with this exchange. However, if the child gives the parent $100 for the parent's birthday, the parent might find this offensive/uncomfortable. If the child calls the parent and wishes him/her "Happy Birthday!", or sends a thoughtful card and/or small gift, then this would feel equal and fair by both parent and child.

Combination Reciprocity - An intimate relationship (like a marriage) is usually a combination of both correspondent and complementary reciprocity. Status quo tends to be 50%/50% (although some people might say 100%/100%); however, in a healthy relationship, there will be times when one partner supports the other through a tough time. {Marriage - Keeping It Together}

No Reciprocity - if one person's needs are not met then it is not a relationship! Instead, it is draining, frustrating, and resentment building for the parent. The child is a bottomless pit and not learning how to have relationships. In addition, the child will NOT feel loved until he/she learns to give!

Parent-Child Relationships are different from other types of relationships, because (most of the time):

• the parents and children do not have the option to "exit" the relationship and seek out alternatives.
• they are highly complex because they combine both hierarchical and intimate relationships.

P-C Relationship Characteristics:

• Permanence/Involuntary Membership - you don't get a choice in parent or child (well, kind of in adoption on the parents' part, but once chosen you don't get to just leave if you feel like it)
• Long-term Physical Proximity -living together
• Dependency (physical and emotional) - we affect each other's identity. Parenthood is a huge part of our identity and it is fragile. We are strongly affected by our child's behavior.
• Huge Inequality of Power.

If the functioning of the P-C relationship goes wrong:

• Superficially love and connect only or primarily to self
• Isolate from the pack
• Feel/create feeling of entitlement
• Act unpredictable, unstable 
• Don't feel safe {Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?}
• Competition for resources
• Emotional drain on parent (and child) {Self-Care, Handling Continuous Traumatic Stress/Caregiver Fatigue}

RAD kids, in other words, have a social relationship disability:

• They do not reciprocate
• They perceive the world as hostile
• They do not know what to do with parents
• Living with "families" is often terrifying to them and they are unable to embrace, assimilate, or mimic positive family interactions.
• They have more intense, frequent, longer-lasting, less tractable behavior problems than securely attached children
• Even with the best of interventions not all weakness can be repaired/healed nor capacities reached {You Have Not Failed!}

The P-C relationship is NOT WORKING! Guess where RAD kids fall in this? Yup! Incapable of maintaining relationships, and yet the parents are being told all the children need is love and they (the parents) should continue to provide for their child without expectations of return. If we do not work toward the child being able to give back then we are victimizing them!

So what do we do and where do we start?

Children with attachment issues canNOT start with a complementary relationship. They must start with correspondent (50%/50%) and HOPEFULLY, they can move to complementary.

We must teach the child how to reciprocate, and help them practice, practice, practice the "giving" behaviors. 

Attachment-challenged children can't be expected to act on what they do not know/understand. Coaching our children to reciprocate both in behavior and words prevents the replay of their old system (love=abuse) and encourages the development of a new healthier system. Non-attachment challenged children can learn from modeling (watching others do things). Attachment challenged children canNOT! They need to learn from rehearsal.

We must place equal value on both the parent's and child's needs (if parent's needs are not met they will feel burnt out and resentful toward the child which thwarts the therapeutic process).{Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage (or relationship), Your Family As A Whole, And Your Child - In That Order!}

Radish: "You love V. (a sibling) best."
(reality: V is showing the most attachment behaviors)
Parent: "Who loves Mommy best? You could love me too. I have plenty of room."

Coach them how to do that! We have to reflect back to the child what his or her behavior evokes. A child not taught how to meet parental needs will likely lack the desire and skills to meet the needs of all others. As a result, they will miss out on the benefits and gifts of a relationship.

Unconditional love is what gets women abused.
Unconditional caregiving can slowly develop into "falling in love with Mom."

Family-Friendly Behaviors (aka RRHAFTBALL)

• Shares Parents' Values
• Elicits Positive Attention from Parents
• Asks for Parental Help and Comfort
• Is Caring and Thoughtful of Parent
• Demonstrates Trust in Parent
• Is Fun to Be Around
• Expresses Love and Affection with the Parent

Next post - Building a Relationship!

Katharine Leslie seminar - Secure Attachment

Katharine Leslie and Mike the founder of Advocates for Children of Trauma (ACT).

Katharine changes her hairstyle almost as often as she does shoes (and she loooves shoes!). It was my job at the seminar to check people in as they arrived. A woman walked up and I asked her her name.
"Katharine"
Me: "Last name?"
KL: "Katharine Leslie"
Oops.
She sweetly mentioned that she'd changed her hair color and style since the last seminar. I'm still a dork.


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Secure attachment requires the development of Object Permanence and constancy.

There are three basic steps to this process:

1. Building Safety. You cannot attach or love if you do not feel safe. Safety for kids of trauma comes from routines and security (which can be things like physical holds and alarms on the door, but also regular meal and bedtime routines). Parents MUST proved for basic needs (food, shelter, warmth) routinely and predictably, BUT feeling safe takes time. It took many years for them to feel unsafe and not trust, You can't expect them to trust just because you know they're safe now. It takes time to unlearn those defense mechanisms that once were necessary for survival.  {Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?}
2. Falling in Love. Dopamine is the brain chemical that makes everything seem more fun and interesting. We cannot fall in love without positive fun and interaction.

Think about this. You would not walk up to someone and say,

"Hey, what's your name?

Hi Larry, you're going to be my new husband. You will live in my house, take my last name, and do all the chores on this honey-do list. You are not allowed to talk about your other life. Your wife was mean and she does not love you like I do.

You love me and I love you.... say it! Say you love me!" 

---------- Of course you wouldn't do this! You get to know each other. You date. You have fun, conversations, and play together.

I can hear you thinking, "My kid's behavior was horrible today! He doesn't deserve to go on a fun outing. He'll think he's won.

I get it, but he may not deserve it, but he needs it. 

We tried to balance this so it didn't feel like a reward and wasn't a "blank slate" (we're going to forget what he did ever happened. 

Plus, if we stayed home, or one parent stayed home, then the family couldn't go anywhere or do anything together, because one of the kids was in trouble (always!).

Our solution? All the children were allowed to go on "family activities" (or we found something else for that child to do with a trusted adult if he or she couldn't handle the activity, because it was overwhelming or triggering). 

If the whole family was doing something together, like going to the park, or the movies, or out to eat... then the child could go. We wanted there to be obvious rewards to being part of our family.

1. 3. Claiming and Belonging. This cannot come first! You need the other steps to come first. You also must honor the child's choice to be a member of the family or not and shift roles accordingly. 

Until a child is a member of the family they should receive "The Basic Package" Accommodation.

• Provide a "structure and rehabilitation" environment (vs. "love and affection" environment). {Structure and Caring Support}
• Meet the child's basic needs for food, shelter and warmth.
• Provide affection in response to the child's demonstration of affection, but only if it's appropriate (Kitty likes to randomly come up behind me when I'm sitting and "hug" me. There's no way for me to hug her back or even make eye contact. To me, that's not "appropriate" affection).
• Draw attention to the "giving and taking" that is part of every interaction. {Reciprocity}
• Give and allow consequences that will evoke caring behaviors. {Therapeutic Parenting and The FAIR Club}

Katharine suggests no chores or family expectations until your child is part of your family. Even the names "Mom" and "Dad" are nicknames that grow out of love and can wait until later to be used.

"The Luxury Package" Accommodation
Basic package plus "family perks"

• All things that children don't need but come out of the goodness of a parent's heart (ex. extra-curricular activities, chauffeur services, vacations, parties, dinners out).
• To qualify for this package a child has to mutually satisfy parental needs in some ways, most of the time.

Earning the Luxury Package
A child can "upgrade" by performing certain family-friendly behaviors.
How do you know whether or not your child has given enough to deserve an upgrade and is ready to be part of the family?

Close your eyes and picture a child. How do you feel when you look at this child? Do you feel happy and loving? Do you feel warmth?

Any time you wonder if your child is ready, close your eyes and picture your child. Does the thought of your child make you feel warm and happy. A joy to your heart as opposed to sadness, emptiness, rejection, or fear. {Positive vs Negative Behaviors}

Until the child makes you feel this way he or she is not ready to be part of the family. It cannot be earned or forced. It is a feeling.

A relationship is defined as a MUTUAL satisfaction of needs.

• There is no mutual well-being if a parent is providing luxury accommodations and the child is not earning the perks.
• The child will be momentarily happy (as long as the perks keep coming), but the parent will not.
• The ramifications to your child's development and the parent-child relationship go much deeper than happiness.

So here's what happens:

1. The parent receives little or no positive response from the child and often the child is neglectful of and abusive to the parent. Without either one's needs being met, and unable to "exit" the relationship, there can be little to no feelings of attachment (leaving resentment and apathy).
2. The parent's natural frustrations, disappointments, feelings of being used up, resentments, and demands from the child... are viewed as weaknesses, even emotional disabilities (unresolved issues) that require therapeutic interventions. Therapists blame the parents for their bad feelings about the child or might switch to the more willing "client" ignoring the elephant in the room.... which causes a lack of faith in therapy for the parent.
3. Everyone presumes that if the child's needs are met he or she will naturally begin to Reciprocate. Loving the child and satisfying his or her needs is not enough. The child MUST be taught how to be in a relationship.
   Tip: Role modeling does not work with our children!

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This is the hard part for me. I had never heard of RAD or any of this when we first got Kitty and Bear. We had two bio children. We felt it wouldn't be fair to not treat the new children exactly like we treated our own. We lied to these two children we just met, and told them we loved them when we didn't - couldn't.

We started with claiming and belonging and didn't realize the full-extent our children needed safety and security. It's been three years of giving our children the luxury package.

Both the children and myself are not benefiting from or satisfied with the relationship. I feel used up, resentful, angry... all the things mentioned by Katharine Leslie. The kids are unable to reciprocate and be part of a relationship. Kitty is better, but Bear... not even close.

My interactions with Bear have become punitive... the thought of him giving me a hand massage (one of the reciprocating suggestions by Katharine), made my skin crawl. I do not want him to touch me. I do not want to be around him. I do not like him.

So now what?

Katharine told me to take a few months break from Bear. Umm... not sure how to do that, but I am going to back off for awhile and finish reading When a Stranger Calls you Mom, then most likely reread Coming to Grips with Attachment. If that isn't enough, then I'll call Katharine Leslie and ask her advice.

WHAT I'VE LEARNED:

• No matter how much healing my child does, if I've allowed myself to become completely drained, then I have no emotional reserves left. You can't fill from an empty cup. Self-Care! Caring for the Caregiver!
• It took me a long time, but I finally realized I needed to change my priorities or I and my whole family would suffer. Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage, Your Family, and Your Child - In That Order! 
• Understanding WHY my child is acting this way helps me be more empathetic and provide my child with the most effective support {Why Won't My Child Just Behave?}
• I'm working hard to remember that I didn't cause this and it most likely isn't "fixable," especially this late in his life. {You Haven't Failed }
• Pouring everything I have into him doesn't work so I shouldn't feel guilty for not wanting to do it anymore. {Relationships and Relationships (cont.)}
• I have a right to grieve the child/relationship I thought I was getting. {Finding the Joy}
• He doesn't "deserve" all the privileges of being part of this family... they're hurting him not helping him. I need to provide the structure he actually needs and the caring support that I hope will lead to attachment.{Structure and Caring Support}
• I need to set up fun times with positive interactions so we have the opportunity to fall in love instead of focusing on punishment and chores.
• This post has more information about how the Basic Plan vs Luxury (Family) Plan looked as the kids moved into their late teens, and we decided to revisit it to remind them of the difference of living like a boarder vs the privileges that came with being part of the family.. 

Anyway, I learned more at the seminar so expect more posts!

Katharine Leslie seminar - Object Permanence

The Katharine Leslie seminar I attended last week was absolutely amazing and I'm still reeling and dealing with the positive impact it will have on my parenting. I've read and loved her book Coming To Grips with Attachment which is in almost a workbook format with tons of practical advice. Unlike many RAD/Children of Trauma experts her work/advice applies to older kids too. In addition to being a professional she is also the adoptive parent to 4 special needs children.

Because this seminar was 2 days long instead of only one like the last one I went to, we were able to go much more in depth. I've finally started reading her book, When a Stranger Calls You Mom, and it covers a lot of the information she discussed at this seminar. It is EXCELLENT! If you have, are working with, are in any way associated with, or dealing with children of trauma I can't recommend these books (and seminars) enough. I know I sound like an advertisement, but she really is absolutely amazing and her information is invaluable. Run, don't walk to get her books, and if you can see her in person... GO!

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INFANT DEVELOPMENT

At the seminar, I admit I started to zone a little on the infant development stuff. I was a psychology major (waaaay back) in college and I've read tons of books in the last few years about child development so I figured I knew all this, and a lot of it I had heard before. I did learn something new about object permanence that really was significant though!

Cause and Effect
I think I've mentioned before that children with attachment disorders often have problems with cause and effect. This usually starts with the caregiver not meeting the child's physical needs (changing them when they're wet, feeding when they're hungry).

The child doesn't learn that if I cry then someone will come make it better. Instead they might learn that if I cry then someone will hit me, or if I cry then no one will come anyway... this makes behavior management difficult - both self-regulation and parent discipline. If I steal a cell phone, then I will get in trouble. If I yell at my sister now, then she will be scared of me - even 5 minutes (or 5 years) from now.

{I don't know much about Bear and Kitty's infancy and childhood (although I can make many educated guesses), but I do know they have very little impulse control and grasp of cause and effect, and do not always understand the consequences of their actions.}


Object Permanence
We all know that young infants have no ability to understand object permanence. For example, if you hide a rattle under a blanket they don't look for it, it's gone. For them, out of sight out of mind is really true. At about 8-9 months though they "get it." They start to look under the blanket. We often help them develop this ability by playing peekaboo with them. "Wheeere's Mommy? Here I am!"

Now imagine the child who's infancy is not the norm. Who never "gets" this concept. So what?

So, maybe they never put their toys away because if you can't see them they don't exist. Sometimes this might not even be so bad because when they are put into foster care they "forget" about all the things left behind**... but it's not just things the child with issues with object permanence doesn't remember. It's people.

You can't attach to someone who isn't there the second they step out of sight.

Mommy doesn't exist anymore!

Weird Movie Analogy
There's an old movie with Adam Sandler and Drew Barrymore called 50 First Dates.
Because a car accident damaged her short term memory, Drew's character is unable to remember anything that's happened in her life since the day of her accident. She relives that day, every single day! (Kind of like the people in the movie Groundhog day. Technically they're reliving the same day over and over, but unlike the main character, they don't remember it.)

Adam meets her and courts her anew every single day. At a TBI memory clinic, they meet "10 Second Tom." He can only remember things for 10 seconds. (Spoiler alert!) Eventually, Drew is able to fall in love with Adam because she has the ability to create attachments and remember him during her day, and even though she doesn't remember him when she wakes up each morning, she still feels that emotional attachment. Tom would be unable to attach to anyone, because they are literally out of sight out of mind almost instantly.

Sense of Self
A second huge issue for children lacking object permanence is a sense of self.

Infants and young children under the age of 3 do not have the ability to distinguish themselves from their caregiver (this is why Empathy does not develop until after age 3).

One of my sister's earliest memories is of being told she is fat, lazy and stupid while staring at the knees of a man's uniform pants. My sister could not have been more than 2 years old in this memory, and apparently she was standing in front of our mother while this was being said to our mother... her memory of it as being said to her shows is an example of a young child not being able to distinguish themselves from their parent.

Of course children under 3 are also not supposed to have autobiographical memories before age 3 either (partly for this reason) so the fact that my sister had this dream/memory shows that she is a little unusual (she has a freakishly amazing memory!).

Self Regulation
Infants are unable to access the thinking part of their brain yet. They are unable to self-regulate. The caregiver does this for them. If the caregiver is calm, the baby is calm. If the caregiver is laughing, making eye contact, playing with the baby and happy, the baby responds the same way.

Babies instinctually respond with attaching behaviors designed to make their caregiver fall in love with the baby (humans are hard-wired this way). The baby continuously provides attaching behaviors, creating a cycle.

If the caregiver is stressed and distant, the baby becomes dysregulated and doesn't learn how to respond with attaching behaviors. The child does not learn how to self-regulate and respond appropriately to his/her environment. As they get older, the child often tries to recreate the chaotic environment to which they have grown accustomed. Eventually the child subconsciously decides there must be something horribly wrong with him/her and that is why the child is unwanted and unlovable.

Slowly as the infant's brain develops they learn to access the cognitive parts of their brain, but before this they are totally dependent on the caregiver for everything.

When Attachment Goes Wrong
If a child has no trust of the primary caregiver, no belief that she exists when out of sight, the child is unable to attach to that caregiver. Since the child is genetically programmed to feel part of the caregiver, and the child hasn't learned how to provide attaching behaviors or develop the instinctual want for attaching behaviors (as this requires the caregiver attaching to them)... well you do the math.

Object Permanence is a Continuum
Obviously the extent of the damage is based on a continuum. A child could be raised under the exact same circumstances, but not have as severe object permanence as another child.

Why? 
Every child is different. Children have different temperaments, genetics and personalities. Even children raised by the same mother can have differing levels of issues with object permanence, based on the mother's interactions with that particular child at that particular time.
Ex. Mom may prefer one gender over another (wanted a girl and got a boy or vice versa), child is sick or colicky, this is a second or third child (or more) means mother's resources and stress level are stretched thinner, mother's mental health or drug abuse issues...

How This Effects Bear and Kitty

1. Bear doesn't understand cause and effect very well.
2. Bear doesn't trust others to be there or take care of him.
3. Bear doesn't feel the strong urge to attach to others.
4. Bear doesn't know how to connect to others or give them what they need to like him.
5. Bear feels love and attachment are not safe.
6. Bear believes that he is unworthy of love and attachment.
7. Bear has difficulty with self-regulation, coping skills and impulse control.
8. Bear tries to recreate the environment he feels most comfortable in - chaos, high stress, and dysregulation.
9. Bear doesn't have a strong self-esteem or trust in his own abilities.
10. Bear's world revolves around him, because there is no one else!

This is also true for Kitty to some extent, but not to the same extreme. The kids were raised differently of course because Biomom was older, in a different situation, already had Bear who was 1 1/2yo, kids were different genders, had different biofathers, Biomom got treatment for drugs (cocaine and meth) when Kitty was under 3 years old, the kids were left with different people a lot, but they were different ages when it happened (since Kitty is 1 1/2 years younger)... The kids also have very different temperaments, genetics, and personalities.

** Adopting a Child with Pre-Verbal Trauma
Some people think that if they adopt a pre-verbal infant or toddler that the child won't remember any trauma, but trauma actually gets wired into their nervous system and is harder to access and heal than something the child consciously remembers.

This can show up later and cause the child to be triggered and/ or have a traumaversary for what appears to be no reason. A fellow trauma mama adopted a child before age 2. At the end of February, every year, the child becomes dysregulated for weeks. Before the child could read a calendar with no significant observable event (like a holiday or birthday), and without any prompting, the child's body "knows."


OBJECT PERMANENCE CONTINUED

Are you OK?

As I sat in Kitty's therapy waiting for the therapist to come in the room, I leaned my head back on the couch and shut my eyes.

Kitty asked if I was OK.

That doesn't emphasize what a big deal this was.

Kitty (my child with RAD) asked me (an adult caregiver/ Mom) how I was FEELING, and actually cared about the answer!!

Not a casual "How was your day?" or "Hey, how's it goin'?", where you don't actually even listen to the answer, but actually concerned about me!

This had nothing to do with what we talked about in therapy (and dissociated/ flighted away from), which was important stuff about revenge, her brother's teasing and her reaction to it, and her relationships with her friends. Or afterward when she called me boring.

But I'm going to revel in the fact that my daughter actually cared about me for a brief moment.

Why I use the FAIR Club.

I got an excellent question in the comments section for which the answer would be too long for a comment so here it is:

Question:
Does the fair club work with children like your Bear? Is it as effective with him as it is with your other children. I only ask because I have read how you struggle to maintain a relationship with him. Does the FAIR club make him ultimately feel like more a part of your family?

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"Does the fair club work with children like your Bear?"
It depends on your definition of "works." Does it "fix" the kid? No. Is it more effective than everything else we've tried? Yes.

I do believe that the FAIR Club assignments are a good way to work with kids of trauma as long as you adjust it to accommodate their with attachment-challenges/ trauma/ mental health issues... While consequences/discipline (like the FAIR Club) usually don't work well with our kids {Structure and Caring Support generally works better}, when you're trying to parent/ discipline multiple kids with different levels of needs, you can't ignore the fact that the other kids are watching. 

I was very aware that if the kids thought that their siblings were "getting away with" behaviors that they would typically have had consequences for then I would have a rebellion on my hands! The kids might feel that I care more about the child not getting disciplined and feel hurt and/or unloved. They would often act out and misbehave and try to "get away with" the same behaviors.


Of the more typical options for discipline, most have the opposite effect of what we want. I feel the FAIR Club gives me a chance to calm down and come up with better alternatives.

• Spanking or physical discipline. This is illegal while they are foster children and definitely doesn't help with attachment. Plus, any corporal punishment we come up with is nothing compared to the horrors that happened to them in their lives.


• Yelling, lecturing, or criticizing. Most of our kids are hypersensitive to perceived criticism and cannot handle being yelled at or lectured. They automatically go into fight, flight, or freeze mode (attack, dissociate or physically run away or shut down).


• Timeouts are not age-appropriate and not recommended for kids who are trying to attach. Time-ins are preferred (staying near a parent so the parent can help the child emotionally regulate) and this is incorporated in the FAIR Club ("4-Foot-Rule").


• Grounding. The part I hate about grounding is that the kid can behave horribly for the day, week, or month that they are grounded but then get out when their time is up (unless you ground them again). The FAIR Club makes it subjective so if they need to stay in the FAIR Club longer to feel safe or get their behaviors under control they can, but if they "get it," then they could be out in less than 48 hours.
  
  
• Writing lines ("I will not hit my sister") to me, has always seemed a waste of time. The only advantage would be improving the child's writing skills, but at what cost? Turning language skills into a punishment is not encouraging the kids to learn to enjoy school.


• Taking away privileges. The kids already feel like we treat the biokids (and everyone else) better. This can reinforce their feelings that they aren't good enough and don't deserve to be part of a family or have good things. Maybe this sometimes works, but it rarely gets associated with the "crime."


• Taking away possessions. This often triggers trauma - these kids have already lost sooo much. Plus, there are times when I need to simplify their lives (Kitty especially is easily overwhelmed by having clutter or too many things) if taking their things is seen as a punishment then she would feel picked on. That said, sometimes their toys or items get a "timeout."


• Taking away allowance. Again, not directly associated with the "crime." My kids have very little concept of money and are used to going without. We have had them make financial restitution, but this is usually having to earn extra money to pay for something they broke or stole.


• Extra chores. My biggest problem with this one was enforcing. Making kids do stuff they don't want to do (especially unattached teens). Just didn't happen. If they did do the chore, then getting them to do the chores well, also didn't happen.


• Star/Sticker chart. This is a pain in the rear to enforce and requires a lot of work on the parent's part. If the kid doesn't earn stars or as many stars as everyone else, the kid can feel worthless. If they earn stars they don't feel they deserve, they learn not to value themselves and what they do. Most importantly, everything became focused on rewards only.


• Set punishments. Giving the same punishments every time, we've found that the kids tend to decide the crime is worth the time. It also means we feel we must give the child a warning first that the punishment is ___________. This means the kids often get away with things the first time because they "didn't know" it was a punishable offense.


• Nothing/Lenient. Just ignoring the behavior. Sometimes we're just being nice and giving them a break. The child might feel like this means we don't care or that we can be manipulated and taken advantage of which makes them feel unsafe [Why Doesn't My Child Feel Safe?].


• Super strict/disciplinarian/warden. The kids feel that you don't care about them because all you care about is your obsession with the rules. They think "Why try?" because they're never going to be perfect. Which is scary in and of itself. [If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect, You'll Leave]

Enforcing Punishments
Enforcement of punishments is incredibly difficult. One thing I like about the FAIR Club is that the child has a choice in whether or not to comply and when- taking some of the pressure of enforcing compliance off me. In the meantime, they are getting the Structure and Caring Support they need!

My goal is to help the child make better choices and learn from his/her mistakes. I try to keep their consequences logical when natural consequences are not possible because I feel children learn best from natural consequences. Also, it helps them learn "if/then" (aka cause and effect).

I want them to understand that restitution is very important and their choices affect others.

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"Is it as effective with him as it is with your other children?"
No, but I think the FAIR Club is as effective with Bear as anything else could be.

As a teenager, Bear is developmentally supposed to be separating from his family and making his own choices. Because of his severe issues, especially with impulse control, he is not ready to do this. We try to balance helping him make good choices with respecting his needs for autonomy, but admittedly we lean more toward helping him make good choices. He has repeatedly shown he is not ready for separation.

I feel the FAIR Club has helped Bear work up to the structured supervision that he needs 24/7. He wouldn't have tolerated this level of supervision when he first got here, but we slowly increased the stricter levels of supervision he needed every time he got in trouble, and then didn't lighten up as much when he got out of the FAIR CLUB. [Structure and Caring Support]

I love the FAIR Club for ALL of my kids, and it helps me, too (it's hard for me to consistently enforce some of the other discipline methods). Bob has always been a "spirited" child. We tried tons of discipline methods with her and none of them worked for long. The FAIR Club has worked better than any other method. I love that it is so adjustable for each child. For example, I can make Bob's writing assignments more complicated and lengthy- especially for repeat offenses. When Ponito was younger, we could be more lenient with him. Kitty couldn't /can't handle almost any discipline and has major learning disabilities so I could adjust it for her too.

************************************

"Does the FAIR club make him ultimately feel like more a part of your family?"
Honestly, no.

I think it did for Kitty because she saw Bob and Ponito getting in trouble too. Plus, there were times when I let her off the hook, which made her feel like I cared about her more than the other kids (wasn't true, of course, but it made her feel closer to me).

Bear just feels punished and like we're wardens. I think what makes him feel closest to Hubby and me is that when he acts up, we don't kick him out. When he went to the RTC and we visited every week and took him home upon his release... that made him feel like we cared about him. His love language is so obviously Quality Time.

************************************

Most of my kids are outgrowing the FAIR Club, but I think that is because they are getting to the point where they don't need it, not because it doesn't work. 

These are some of the things that did work for us for our kids with trauma issues:

Structure and Caring Support - 
Handling Dysregulation and Meltdowns -
Why Won't My Child Just Behave?

Answering some comments

Jennie - Before Hubby, I not only allowed everyone to criticise me I asked for it. It hurt like anything, but I tried to be EVERYthing they wanted (like a personality chameleon). I was the perfect girlfriend, perfect friend, perfect student -on the outside. Inwardly I was beating myself up because I knew it was all a lie, and if they found out they would leave me (which they eventually did anyway or I pushed them away because I couldn't stand waiting for them to do it).



I believe I had/have an attachment disorder, but at the very least I had a severe distrust of people, especially men. It took many years to get to where I could trust Hubby would stay (it still amazes me). It took even more to figure out what I needed from our relationship to be happy (I love Love Languages!). Even those were hard to figure out for me because I had denied my own wants for so long.



Over the years, Hubby has probably inadvertantly criticized me more than I realize, but because I trust him now I'm not as sensitive (I know it doesn't seem that way on my blog!). Just like Kitty's perception issues (if Hubby speaks firmly or even implies criticism she had huge meltdowns because he's "yelling at her") are improving so are mine. Believe me I have a lot of empathy for Kitty in this area, and a lot of pity for poor Hubby because he has to go through it all over again. I guess he's used to walking on eggshells.



Kristina P. - I'm pretty sure my e-mails aren't usually worded in a way that is telling the therapist what to do or what to work on. Most of my e-mails aren't even to the therapist, I merely copy him so he'll be aware of what is going on in Bear's life outside the office.



Honestly I'm so used to having to justify Bear needing services or our restrictions to everyone, that I want to keep it fresh in everyone's mind that despite appearances he is not healed or an adult. The school especially is notorious for trying to put him in the "Least Restrictive Environment" and there is so little that they will acknowledge as justification for keeping him where he is (mostly that whatever it is has to happen on campus and be caught by one of them). So when something does happen (like bringing drugs to school, wandering the halls, trying to get restraining orders on the behavior program staff, or his latest escapade - plagerizing homework assignments), I tend to rub their noses in it.



I'm a firm believer in documentation as well, because I've found that the school is even worse than Bear about blank slates. Every time he changes schools or programs, no one knows his history, and that means that not only does he get a huge opportunity to manipulate and get into unsupervised trouble, but we look like the worst over protective, restrictive and punitive parents. This is NOT good for Bear. He already thinks adults are stupid and there to be manipulated, but he really doesn't need to hear that we're mean, unreasonable parents - he already thinks that.



Bear doesn't get to see my Mama Bear side much because he doesn't see that I'm fighting to get what he needs. He'll probably be seeing it soon, because the school is about to hear from me. His case manager and I talked about my concerns for Bear wandering the school and getting into trouble - our solution was to let all his teachers know to be aware of it. I found out yesterday that the case manager had gone a step further than this and has asked all teachers to call the Behavior Program and have him escorted any time he leaves the classroom. One stood outside the door while he peed the other day. This is the staff he's already paranoid are following him around, AND he was told that this was at my request! Talk about Least Restrictive Environment?! They're going to have a hard time justifying this to me.



Thanks again for the support and virtual hugs guys!! I've really needed every one lately, and if you pray, we could really use a lot of those too. Yesterday was a really tough day that for once had nothing really to do with the kids.

Bear doesn't love me

We first met Bear's current therapist a couple of years ago when he was working with a known attachment therapist. He didn't take our insurance so we found another therapist who was pretty good, but a talk therapist (FYI talk therapy does not work well for kids with RAD). The talk therapist worked with Bear for over a year and was able to get Bear to talk (something we had trouble with in the past). The talk therapist finally said there wasn't much more he could do with Bear.

I felt that the talk therapist hadn't helped Bear deal with his past and how it effects his future. We tried EMDR therapy with Bear, but again, Bear refused to talk so we stopped. Bear didn't go to therapy for about 6 months, but we were still having difficulties of course.

After Bear's adoption was final, he qualified for TX Medicaid. We didn't use it much because most of the doctors we used didn't take Medicaid. Then we just couldn't afford the $25 copays anymore and I started looking for someone who accepted Medicaid. I remembered the attachment therapist we'd met with way back when, and called him. He was taking Medicaid patients and we started seeing him.

We just kind of started seeing him, and didn't really go through an interview process. We didn't fill out any paperwork, because I had a 25 page time line (which the therapist didn't want to read until a couple of weeks ago so he could "form his own opinions. While I know that at age 16, Bear is a little old for attachment therapy I figured it couldn't hurt. Apparently the therapist didn't realize that attachment was my goal until this session!

He mentioned that he does EMDR therapy which I didn't know. In explaining this to Bear I mentioned that we'd originally come to this therapist for attachment therapy. The therapist made a comment about Bear of course being attached to our family. I apparently made a surprised derogatory noise - it could possibly have been a snort. Maybe.

The surprised therapist asked me if I didn't think Bear was attached to the family. Say what?! Why doesn't he know this?

I said that while Bear thought we were nice people, he has always said he didn't feel he was part of our family. I also said I understand that, and I do. The therapist seemed totally surprised. I turned to Bear and he confirmed this with a nod.

The therapist didn't seem to believe us, and asked me if I thought Bear loved me. Bear didn't say anything, but he made an expression with his mouth. The therapist didn't see it. I said no I didn't think Bear loved me, and told the therapist about Bear's confirming expression. The therapist didn't ask Bear if he loved Hubby, and that was probably a good thing. Bear would probably feel pressure to lie, while I felt that so far he'd been telling the truth.

It did hurt though. A lot.

Frankly I was glad that Hubby and the therapist heard it though. Hubby has been insisting that there is no difference between Kitty and Bear, and I've been saying over and over that Kitty is almost attached to me, while Bear is not. It effects how I treat them and how I feel about them.

It's hard to love care about someone who doesn't love care about you.

But I'm used to it.

18 is Not the Finish Line

There is so much pressure for us as parents of teens to try to heal our children and get them completely ready for adulthood by age 18. In reading a couple of blogs including Parenting 24/7 recently, I was reminded of this, and I know I am guilty of it too. It took many many years of trauma for our children to get to this point, and we can't expect them to be totally healed in just a few short years.

We want them to have all the life skills they need. We want them to be emotionally healed and ready for relationships. We want them to be ready to be independent. 

Magical Age of Adulthood
For some reason with our children, we tend to feel like this has to be done at the magic age of 18. 

Maybe because my children bluster about walking out the door the minute they turn 18. Maybe because that's when society declares them adults. 

Expiration Date on Parenting
Maybe because I know that, unlike my birth children, they don't trust/expect me to be there after they turn 18 so I feel I have to "fix" them while I can. My biokids fully expect us to continue to be their parents (and adviser, supporter, loan officer, therapist, nanny….) through college, after they get married, and on and on forever.

Did you graduate high school totally ready to be an adult? I know I didn't. Not only does our brain continue to develop on into our mid-twenties, but our hearts grow too. We made so many mistakes that we want to protect our children from. 

I know for me, I want to be the one to help my children heal. That's probably a little selfish on my part.

Their healing must continue on after they leave our home. All we can do is leave the door open.

ALMOST AN ADULT
There is a LOT of pressure to "lighten up" and give our kids the "freedom" to make mistakes, because "he's going to have to deal with the real world soon."

I believe that if we give children privileges and "freedom" that they're not ready for that we are deliberately putting them in harm's way. Contrary to popular opinion, I do not have my children on so short a leash that they can't mess up. I just try to keep them on a short enough leash that they can't hang themselves.

Many people look at our children, especially one who has lots of structure and support (and therefore is emotionally regulated and doing well) and don't/can't see the brain damage, dysfunction, and emotional immaturity. They don't understand the child's diagnosis or diagnoses, or only recognize a small part of the whole  - usually only a part that they're familiar with. [Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Children Can't Handle]

OVERLAPPING DIAGNOSES
I'm often told, "People with Intellectual Developmental Disabilities can live normal lives" and "people with Bipolar Disorder can live normal lives" and "people with __________ can live normal lives"... Yes, they can! But that doesn't take into account ALL my child's issues. There is a limited understanding of how these diagnoses interact with each other and how they interact with trauma.  [Overlapping Diagnoses in Children]

It doesn't help that kids of trauma hide their "issues" (Kitty would literally rather die than let others see her issues), can honeymoon for long periods of time, and their charming others can be a "life or death feeling" defense mechanism (If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect, You'll Leave).

There is a lot of pressure when our kids are teens to believe that since they are practically an adult, then we need to let them discover that they can't act this way in the "real world." 
Pressure to give them the freedom and privileges that come with being an adult and assume the Natural Consequences of messing up and making poor choices will teach the child to make better choices. They don't get that our kids often don't/ can't make the connection that their choices have consequences or don't have the control needed to keep from making those choices.

Assuming that they get any consequences at all -
What my child learned from not getting consequences from school 


LEARNING TO SWIM BEFORE BEING THROWN IN THE OCEAN

Like many people in Bear's life, Hubby doesn't see, and/ or understand, Bear's brain damage and dysfunction. He thinks the school's testing of Bear's IQ and abilities are wrong (he sees areas where Bear's hypervigilance and street smarts help him accomplish things that someone with Bear's "alleged" issues "shouldn't" be able to do. He thinks Bear deliberately "dumbs down" to make life easier on himself).  He also strongly believes that since Bear is practically an adult, we need to let him discover that he can't act this way in the real world. I think this is like teaching Bear to swim by throwing him in the ocean.

I've tried to explain to Hubby that Bear can't learn by watching everyone else swim. That despite his age and size he needs to go back to the baby pool and get over his fear of water by splashing around. That someone (us) needs to help him form each and every stroke and have him practice, practice, practice. That he may never be able to swim in the ocean and just because he's going to be there soon is no reason to skip steps or not take advantage of the little time left that we have in which we can force him into the baby pool.

I know I've talked before about the differences between Hubby and my child-rearing philosophies. After the Katharine Leslie seminars, this has become even more apparent. Katharine says we must teach, reteach, and have them practice everything. Until the child is ready to become part of the family his or her world should be pretty small (Basic Accommodations vs Luxury) and in relationships, there should be correspondent exchanges vs complementary. This is counter-intuitive in a lot of ways and most definitely is NOT FAIR.

"Fairness" is everyone getting what they need. Fairness is not equal.

BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS VS DISCIPLINE PROBLEMS

Discipline problems (noncompliance, misbehavior) occur when the caregivers have not structured the child's environment for success, or when parents are inconsistent (expectations or consequences), non-responsive, or inaccessible. When adults adjust their behaviors and attitudes, often children with discipline problems can be brought under control in as few as 3 to 7 days.
Behavior problems on the other hand, lie within the child. These are persistent behaviors that do not disappear even with the best parenting (although good parenting can help to control the behaviors). These can include impulsivity, inattentiveness, and other behaviors like ADHD, FAD and immature behaviors associated with missing capacities in object relations.

We need to take into account that children with trauma issues may not be able to learn from mistakes. They may not ask for or accept help or training. One of the biggest issues though is that many of our kids' main difficulty is NOT with something he/she can be taught how to do or not do. The biggest problem is often Impulse Control.

Bear can be walking along doing exactly what he's supposed to do. He can have earned his way up to pretty high levels of privileges. When all of the sudden... WHAM! He gets an impulse to do something he's not supposed to (take something, lie, go somewhere...), and he does it. No amount of behavior modification training, anger management classes, talk therapy, EMDR, good parenting... has any effect. He's not thinking about why he should or shouldn't do something he just does it.

After the impulse, he makes choices. Whether to admit to it, lie, cover it up, manipulate, run away... these choices are the things that all of the therapy and skills training (CBT/ DBT) and whatever, can actually have an effect on. (Of course, sometimes he also makes conscious decisions to make a "bad" choice too).

So that's the problem. What do you do with someone with almost no impulse control? All the training and therapeutic parenting in the world are not going to "fix" or prevent that.

Cliffs and Fences

When you have a young child who tends to leap before he looks, then you control his environment - you don't remove every obstacle. You make sure he has little things to leap off of so he will learn to look before he leaps. (He learns to look because he discovers that when he doesn't he usually falls and gets hurt). You do NOT, however, move to a house on the side of a cliff. If you must live on a cliff then you put up a big fence and you keep your child inside that fence. If you didn't and your child jumped off the cliff then who is morally responsible for the death of the child? Even if the child deliberately jumped off the cliff, it is, of course, the parent who is responsible for the child

I have a child who is a known leaper. We live in a world full of "cliffs." If I put my son behind the wheel of a car, knowing that at any moment he could choose to turn left without looking, then I am endangering not only his life but the lives of those around him. 

For this reason, I choose not to enable him to get his permit and deliberately put up roadblocks.

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We tried EMDR therapy with both of our children for a while. We found it was overwhelming for Kitty and had to drop it. Yes, she needs to process this trauma, but she obviously is not ready for it. Bear just flat refused to participate. This is one of those times when I have to remember that all of their healing does not have to be done right now.

Right now, I have to remember that even after almost three years we still need to focus on attachment and relationships. I read a blog recently mentioning that when you first bring a child into your home, you wouldn't shouldn't be focusing on behaviors like fixing their table manners on day one; instead, you should be focusing on attaching and bonding. Playing, laughing, joking, getting to know each other is more important than rules and reprimands. (Post about Katharine Leslie's views about Securing Attachment)

Now, we do have consequences and restitution, but I try to remember that loving fun is important too. There is a great family blogging about the process of adopting a teen that helps me remember this too.

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BIOFAMILY
One thing I hear a lot is that the child plans/ threatens to go back to the birth parents (Why Do Adopted Kids Go Back To Birth Family?) as soon as they are old enough. I try to remember that if they do go back to birthmom they take me with them. They will view their biomom knowing what a different life is like - having someone who cares about them no matter what they do or say, holds them accountable, provides the structure and support they need, and doesn't give up on them.

I never run down the birth parents in front of my child, no matter how tempting.

I know how important it was to me that my mom never put down my dad. Theirs was a bitter divorce and there were lots of times Mom could have presented herself as better to not have to listen to my sister or I rave about our dad. 

Kids love their birth parents no matter what. They're biologically wired that way. We all are.

I'm not totally protecting my daughter from what happened that led to her entering the foster care system, but at the same time, I know it would damage my relationship with her if I told her that biomom was a bad person. So instead we talk about bad choices biomom may have made, and possible reasons she might have acted the way she did. 

Not judging biomom, but at the same time being VERY CLEAR that it was NOT the child's fault either. My kids have enough guilt that I will never be able to touch in the time we have (there I go again sounding like it all ends at 18!). That is something they will hopefully deal with at some point in their lives.

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AGE-APPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS

Trauma can cause significant delays in development (emotionally, socially, intellectually...).  Frequent moves and other traumatic life events can also cause delays or even get them stuck.  Most kids with PTSD (and brain damage from RAD) have a tough time with processing, memory, object permanence, emotional regulation... 

We need to parent our children based on where the child IS versus where they “should be.”  When trying to determine your child’s emotional age, and therefore your expectations, it helps to be aware of the typical development stages (Age 6 to young adult developmental stages)

Parent your child where they ARE, even if that means treating a teen like a 6-year-old.  Or a 4-year-old like a toddler.  They may find normal kid stuff overwhelming - we had to keep our children's rooms stripped to the essentials, avoid overwhelming places like grocery stores and birthday parties, and avoid letting them get tired or hungry...  

Once your child physically becomes an older teen or young adult. This becomes a fine line to walk - think tightrope!

"NORMAL" ADOLESCENT DEVELOPMENTAL PHASES

DETERMINING IDENTITY - WHO AM I?
I know in high school I changed personalities a lot. I tried them on like roles in a play. I moved a lot (like the kids) which made this easier to do. I thought of myself as a chameleon and didn't think I had a set personality – it changed according to who I was with and what I wanted to do. I do think this eventually made me a stronger person. I wasn't locked into an image or stereotype. As I got older, I grew out of this and finally have a strong, positive sense of self. 

SEPARATING FROM FAMILY / FLUCTUATING BETWEEN INDEPENDENCE AND DEPENDENCE) 

I want to let my children know they can change their minds. They may see themselves as "the tough guy," "the victim," "sweet and loving"… sometimes changing on a minute by minute basis. They may be horrible to me one day and act as though nothing happened an hour later, and that's probably part of their illnesses. Maybe they really don't remember. Maybe they're being manipulative. I'm still going to act as though I know they love me. We will discuss repercussions; there are always consequences for the choices they make. I will not make them say they love me, but at the same time, I will not allow them to be disrespectful.

PUSHING US AWAY SO THE SEPARATION WON'T HURT AS BADLY

Bear is going through an "I don't need a family and I'm faking it" phase. While I don't think he is bonded to us, I know he is not completely disconnected either. When he says he doesn't want our family/me/any relationships, it hurts like crazy, but I work hard to keep him from seeing it. I don't want him to feel he succeeded in pushing us away. That's a terrifying unsafe feeling.

Bear did admit in therapy last week that he knew I cared about him (even though he tried to negate it in the next breath by talking about how mean I am). I hope that is enough to get him to return to us in the future. I hope that he builds on this in the future.


SO WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT?!

I wish I had the perfect answer. I wish the perfect answer existed. Here are some things we did (or wish we had done earlier):

RE-PRIORITIZE
Looking back, I wish I had changed my priorities. I realize now that by focusing all of my attention and energy on a child who may or may not heal enough to function as an adult, I sacrificed too much. Maybe I could have or did "fix" my child, but at what cost? My own health, my marriage, my other children (especially the less "squeaky wheels")... all suffered. [Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage, Your Family as a Whole, and Your Child - In That Order!] 

Of course, hindsight is 20/20. I felt a lot of guilt over not "fixing" my children but also about how devoting everything I had to trying to help them heal hurt all of us. I had major CTS [Continuous Traumatic Stress] and PTSD from it all. [Caregiver/ Compassion Fatigue, PTSD, Secondary PTSD] My other children all had varying issues caused by living with emotionally disturbed, mentally ill family members, or having undetected issues (for example, Ponito's ADD was undiagnosed until he was 17 and there were other signs of illness and abuse that I missed in him and the other children), or feeling neglected/ abandoned because my focus was elsewhere or I was overwhelmed and shut down.

LET IT GO
At age 18, my children were not ready to heal or be "fixed." I had several choices. I could feel guilty and miserable about it... or I could release that guilt and anger, knowing that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. No one else was going to give me permission to do that. Almost everyone was telling me what I "should" or "should not" do and oftentimes those things were conflicting!

So here's my permission (not that you need it) to LET IT GO! 

You Have Not Failed - I reread this post so often, especially over the first 2 years after my son moved out and I realized I didn't want anything to do with him (my abuser). It reminded me to release the guilt that created. What kind of mom doesn't want to be around her child?! One who needs to heal. 

At What Point Do You Let Go?
Detachment Parenting the Adult Child

Self-Care! - Take care of yourself. Remember the things you used to love and love about yourself. Pick up or pick back up hobbies. Do fun and healing things. Go to therapy. You're allowed to be someone besides Mom - you have many names. Daughter, friend, wife, mentor, artist... 

Then what happened?

I Redefined Success. 

Like many moms, success for my children meant college, finding a career they loved and that supported them in a lifestyle similar to what they have now, finding true love, getting married, living near me (but not with me!), having children... preferably in this order!  Basically living "happily ever after." When I realized that this was not the path Bear and Kitty were on, or even capable of, I grieved. A lot. Then I took a deep breath and redefined success for each of my children individually. [Finding the Joy]

My kids are now 26, 24, 23, and 21. I can second guess everything I did and didn't do but overall they healed (or didn't) without me. I definitely had some influence, but the rest had to be left up to them.

Bear(26) has been mostly incarcerated since just before he turned 19. It took me a while but now I realize that he needs this. He can't live without the structure that we could no longer provide. His only choices to get that structure were the military or prison, and he wasn't eligible for the military. I no longer feel guilty about this happening, I choose to recognize that it was our influence on him that meant:

• He's still alive. This is a major accomplishment. He had a death wish when we met him. Many doubted that he would make it alive to 18. 
• He went to prison for a non-violent crime. [Jail/ Prison]
• Years of being on the right medication gave him the chance to develop, learn, and mature. For most of his life, he was living in a "war zone." Long after the trauma and abuse ended, he was still living with it. Stuck with dysfunctional defense mechanisms, negative self-image, and a feeling that the world was against him.
• He has a high school diploma. He may never be able to keep a job that requires one but at least this gives him options.
• He has some trust. He occasionally reaches out to us for things other than money. 

Kitty(almost 25) - As she approaches the age when the brain is finally fully developed, Kitty has come a LOOOONNNGG way  - in ways I'd feared she would never be capable of achieving. I helped her a lot to get here but some of it just took time.

Some of our journey:

LEGAL ISSUES

**Getting SSI for an Adult Child****Marriage and SSI Benefits**

**Legal Guardianship**

ADULTHOOD

**Adult Attachment Disorders**

**Borderline Personality Disorder**

**How to Get Treated Like an Adult**

**Vulnerable Adult "Abuse"**

PARENTING AN ADULT CHILD

**Detachment Parenting An Adult Child**

**Therapeutically Parenting the "Adult" Child**

LIVING AT HOME
**Boarder Agreement**

**18 Is Not The Finish Line**

**When an Adult Child Moves Out*

**"Adult" Boarder vs Family Girl**

**Simple Rules For Adult Children Living At Home**

BIOFAMILY

**Running To Birth Family**
**Why Do They Go Back to Birth Family?**

• Kitty is living with her fiancé and her 3 cats and they are getting ready to move from their apartment to a rental house. She feels safe. [Safety First]
• She is taking online classes at the local community college that she registers for all on her own. She's found a way to deal with her crippling anxiety and continue her education.
• She pays her bills and manages her own money. She calls me for small loans/gifts occasionally and I'm still her SSI rep payee, so I do help her with that, but in general, she's got a handle on it.
• She is taking care of her own mental health. She is stable on her meds, schedules and attends appointments with her psychiatrist independently, and has a therapist she sees through a Skype-type program.
• She recognizes and gets emotional support. She calls me often for emotional support but she also has a support system made up of friends and family.

The biokids, Bob(23) and Ponito(21) are mostly on the path I dreamed of for all of my children, but if/when they step off that path that will be OK too.