Love Jar

You may remember I mentioned trying out Trust Jars. A concept I'd picked up from Aspenhall who discusses it on her website .punk..rebel..mama. While I don't use it exactly the way Aspenhall does, I love that it is very visual and really helps my children understand when I have to tell them no (like wanting to go somewhere without supervision).

Well as usual with anything that works, my children hate it! Saturday's Family Meeting brought up the usual compaints. During the discussion Bob complained that I'd started the Trust Jars at a bad time, when she and Kitty just happened to be in the FAIR Club. Of course I mentioned that back then she was in the FAIR Club a lot, but I also told them that the Trust Jars weren't based on their behavior in the last couple of weeks, but on the level of trust I felt in my heart - over the long term. Bob claimed that this meant I didn't love her, and I immediately fussed at her for saying that. Then Bear said that was how he'd heard it too (Hubby was teaching scuba so wasn't there). Of course I reassured them, but this really bothered me.

After thinking about it all night I decided to show them how love and trust worked, using the visuals of the jar since it worked so well. On the way home from lunch at Grandma's house I mentioned that I planned to talk to them about Love Jars when we got home, but was deliberately mysterious so I could talk with the jars as visual aids. Kitty said she knew that my love jar would be overflowing with love. I've gotta tell you that made me feel soooo good!

So I got two clear drinking glasses, and called one of them a "love jar." The kids voted and I started my demonstration with Kitty. I told her the love jar represented my love for her the day she moved in (when I knew her mostly from pictures, our one weekend meeting, phone calls and talks with her foster mom). I filled the jar a little more than 3/4 full. Then we talked about events that happened in the weeks and months following. Every time I mentioned something (positive or negative) from over the 2 years we've known each other_ I added beans to the jar. Eventually the beans were overflowing the jar, and I still kept adding them. Then we got to the present. I did the same thing with Bear.

Then it was Bob's turn. As she is my biological daughter I started with a full jar. Then I talked about the first time she bit me while I was breastfeeding her, and added beans, the terrible twos, more beans, the terrible threes, more beans, the terrible fours (everyone was laughing) and I added more beans, the day she chopped off her hair in Kindergarten, still more beans... mentioned some great family stories involving her brother and the "truth" that got everyone (including Bob) laughing even harder), skipped ahead to the day she told her brand new sister that her cousins would hate her, and added more beans... Of course the jar had been full the day she was born so by this time there were a lot of beans on the floor and the kids got the point.

Then I brought out the second cup and we talked about trust. We talked about how Bob and Ponito felt about Hubby and I - all agreed that both their love jars and trust jars would be full. Then we talked about how full Bob and Ponito's jars would be for other people. I filled their jars a little less than 2/3 full. Bob and Ponito have not been hurt so they are pretty trusting of other people.

Hubby's parents were still married and we talked about how because his trust jar was almost full he was able to fall in love pretty easily and his trust and love jars for me filled quickly and completely. We talked about how a parent's love for a child was different then romantic love. A parent's love doesn't require trust. Romantic love does. I wanted them to understand that we love them completely no matter what they do.


Then I demonstrated for them my own trust/love jar with other people. My parents got divorced when I was 5, my sister and I had a lot of men/trust issues. By the time I met my future husband, I would have to say I had major attachment issues. I filled my trust jar about a quarter of the way full (Hubby thought this was generous). I told the children that was how much I trusted men. I told them that when I met Dad I didn't trust him at all and I pushed him away - to prove that he was going to leave me (Are you listening Kitty and Bear? Sound familiar?).

I added a few beans to show them how much I trusted Hubby to love me and not leave me after one year of knowing him and him staying around no matter how much I pushed him away (my trust jar was about 1/3 full and my love jar about 1/4 full). We talked about how hard this was for Hubby. When we got married after 1 1/2 years of knowing each other my trust jar was still a little less than half full and my love jar was a little less than that. I added more beans for when Bob was born and he didn't leave AND he changed lots of diapers (I probably should have added more beans for the fact that he stayed while I was pregnant - I gained over 70lbs!). My love and trust jar didn't get full until we had been married 4 years (and my trust jar was still a little below the top - Hubby still thinks that's generous).

Then I did the kids' trust jar for us as parents. We all agreed that Bob's jar would be full. I was losing my audience so I filled Kitty's jar about 1/4 of the way full (on the day she came to live with us) and then quickly ran through her history with us and ended up with her jar a little less than 2/3 full. I asked her if that seemed about right. She agreed.

For Bear we slowed down and I asked him how many beans I should add for each event. I started with 2-3 beans for when he first got here, he said it should be a little more. Then we talked about his first fight with Hubby and how much the fact that Hubby didn't hit him effected his trust for us. We talked about his horrid nightmares about the devil when I stayed with him all night and comforted him. We talked about the many times he ran away, and the time he got an injury during a fight with Hubby and the agency removed both him and Kitty for a week, we talked about us pulling him out of Summer Camp when he requested it, sending him to residential treatment, visiting him twice a week the whole 7 months, bringing him home again, adopting his sister but not him, the gun incident in Summer School, adopting him, not allowing out classes, getting all As on his report card... In other words we hit all the highlights, mostly of him pushing us away and us still being there. 4-12 beans at a time we got his trust jar up to a little less than 2/3 full. (I still think that's generous).

I think the kids get that we know they don't trust or love us completely and that we're OK with that. That we know what they've been through and how hard it is to trust.

We talked about how hard it was to love if your trust jar wasn't full. How hard it would be to love their (future) children or anyone if your trust and love jars weren't full. We talked about how hard it was for someone to help you fill your trust jar. Most people won't go through what Hubby did, they would just leave. I think Bear gets that we stayed when we didn't have to and I think it actually helped him trust us more.

We briefly talked about birthmom and how full (or rather not full) her trust jar probably was/is. I didn't want to go too deeply into that can of worms though.

Finally I released them from this long session! Believe me it was longer than this post. Still, I'm very glad we did it.

I don't trust him!

Bear at the Residential Treatment Center

I've been very frustrated with Bear's school because they insist that he has reached the top of his point levels and needs to be doing out classes at the high school. They talked to me about it on the phone, with him in the room with them, so he blames it all on me. Yesterday I started to write a letter to the school asking for a parent /teacher conference so they could explain to me what's changed in the last month that makes him now ready to go.



While typing, Hubby walks in and asks if I've seen an e-mail from the school? The e-mail asks for pictures of Bear doing a service project for the church involving selling pumpkins at the pumpkin patch. The teacher says she came by on Friday, but he'd had to leave because of the family medical emergency. This was all a total lie - no working the pumpkin patch, although he'd asked but been told no, and no family emergency.



Thank you Bear for giving me a concrete example of how you are not better!



This morning I found out that he had left a pocket knife at a friend's house. He does not own a pocket knife (he threatened to "shank" a kid at school in 7th grade).

Thank you Bear for yet another example.



So I haven't decided if we'll use the trust jar for Bear yet. I've told the kids that the jars aren't ready yet. I'm now thinking that removing the "age" component of the jars might help. Saying you have the trust level of a 2 year old could easily be an insult. Dropping "levels" might be potentially less self-esteem damaging. Rainbow colored jars...



Because we have 4 children I am also very concerned with them stealing each other's beans (we decided to use large lima beans instead of cotton balls due to the size of the jars I found). This is getting very complicated! I did go ahead and start the youngest on the system. It has been very enlightening for him to lose beans when he lied. I think he gets it. He's a bright, fully-attached bio kid though. Still, the girls watched it happen too - which I think is a good thing.

It's all about trust

So I got everything I need to get started on the trust jars and then started really thinking about how to implement it. I decided that rather than having them earn their way up to levels I would just start them out where I think they are - so now I have to figure out where that is.

I asked Grandma - who watches them after school. I asked the kids, which actually surprised me. All of them agree that Ponito (the 9 year old) is completely trustworthy. I don't know what to do about Bear though.

Bear is 15, he is diagnosed with RAD, bipolar disorder, PTSD, ADD, cerebral dysrythmia... He came into our home at age 13, and spent 8 months in RTC (which helped him a lot and got his meds and diagnoses straight - he's been home 8 months), his adoption was final in July. He attends a special school for emotionally disturbed kids that has only 20 kids in it and is doing great!

The school is pressuring me to put him in out classes at the high school - I've been saying no because this Summer we tried Summer School and he got kicked out after 2 weeks for bringing a toy gun (that looked real) that he'd stolen and was intending to trade to a kid that sells drugs for drugs!

So my dilemna. On a normal day, Bear is fairly responsible and semi-reliable - does his chores, behaves in school. When no one is watching, he sometimes orders his siblings around, borrows their stuff without asking (or tells them to give it to him), breaks it, and then returns it. Not malicious, but definitely not appreciated. I trust him about as far as I can throw him (he's 5'9" and about 200lbs), because he is so inconsistent and doesn't seem to understand the consequences of his actions.

He thinks I am "holding a grudge" and knows that I will not let the school give him out classes (which makes him angry, but he never lets us see that - he just stuffs it all inside). He sees himself as fairly reliable and trustworthy and having "earned his way up" (gotta love all the levels at school and RTC).

I love the idea of a trust jar, particularly for him, because I think having a concrete, visual reminder of his trust level will make it seem less vindictive. Because his level would be so low, my sister feels that this will be a big punishment and self-esteem damaging. The more I think about it, the more I think maybe he is not actually capable of building trust with me - because when he's good, he's very good, but when he's bad -he's scary. This trust jar may actually be punitive and damaging for him.

So what would you do? I realize this is part of his illness, and I am not mad at him. Despite what he says, I am not holding a grudge. He has recently begun asking for priviliges like going to the highschool for homecoming, and I keep having to say NO. I know it is damaging our relationship. I've talked to him a little about why I don't trust him, but he doesn't get it. Again, part of his illness, and years of building high levels in school and treatment centers gives him a feeling of entitlement.

He maxes out his level card every day. This is why I succumbed to the pressure this Summer to let him take classes out of his special program. Now I feel that the reason he is doing so well is because he is in the right place for him, school wise and structure-wise at home too. He is no longer under line of sight supervision, but he's close. This seems to be what he needs. How do you tell that to a 15 year old boy who's being told that he should get "normal teenage boy" privileges?

I really think the other kids will benefit from this concept for many reasons, and definitely want to do it for them, but maybe I shouldn't for Bear. Advice please?!

Mary

Trust jar

The following is Aspenhall's description of the trust jar.

The trust jar is an large old random vase (from my dating years) filled with cotton balls (pink balls). It is placed on top of a bookshelf in the main living area of our home and visible from many places in my home. For each age you are, I expect the jar to be mostly full no matter the age.....so if you were 6 and the jar was less than half full, you would only get the life of a 3 yr old....constant supervision, no friends houses, or paints, or scissors etc... If the jar is near full you have full rights to everything a 6 yr old can do....playdough access, bike riding, friends houses, big kid books etc...

In order to "gain trust points/balls", you must meet my expectations. One point/ball per expectation met. If you make poor choices, you lose points...but not just one at a time. OH NO, trust is EASY to lose FAST, but very hard to gain back fast. Depending on the infraction, you may lose 2 up to EVERY SINGLE BALL. I never take less than 2. Because trust is twice as hard to earn once lost. I never tie the trust points to MY emotions unless my dd is attached fairly well. (for example, "I'm dissappointed with your behavior, and you now lose 3 trust points/balls.")

For EVERY SINGLE request, I consult the trust jar to see where the level is at. My basic response to any "can I..." priviledge request is always "I don't know, lets go check the trust jar". She is learning to build up her points, after a few bad days, before even asking me.

Now a child of mine, is a child who gets things randomly as I see deals or specials or things I think they'd enjoy. HOWEVER, it is up to my daughter to decide if she is trusted enough to receive the very cool things I buy her ( a 2 yr old cannot be trusted with a DVD etc..). They go up on the shelf next to the trust jar until, or unless, the jar is above half full, AND IF she has not -lost- a SINGLE trust point that day...which includes all of bedtime...the item of her choice is given ONLY the following day.

Some of the items include toys she has been grounded from, as well as books, DVD's, horse related items, etc....

On the items she has been grounded from, I may decide I no longer care to store them and I will be selling them on ebay for cash, OR she has the option of buying them back from me. 1 chore per toy is the price.

All in all it helps me see her good behavior (as she is quick to remind me she's doing well) and it helps illustrate the idea of trust VERY WELL. We started this awhile ago and she responded well, both when she had attachment/selfish issues, and also now. The jar takes all responsibility off of my shoulders and puts it squarely on hers. I don't make the choice of whether or not she may go to a friends house, SHE does, by the choices she makes. And it's futile to argue with a JAR.

As a special bonus, I have agreed to buy my child a HORSE......if she can keep the trust jar full (or near full) for an entire year.

The cotton balls were chosen, because anything cool would have been to tempting to take down and play with....also they're cheap. Also, points may NOT be earned by patronizing me...extras do not earn you points (such as rubbing my shoulders) only a happy attitude and trying your best will earn you trust. If you drag your feet and I have to remind you multiple times to hurry or keep going or stop playing around, you no longer get a trust point for that thing even if you complete the task I have asked you to do. I expect to have to remind a 7 yr old once to finish a 30 min chore. I expect a school age child to arrive home from school at a certain time (15 min allowed for only a 5 min walk home).

I expect the same to do as they're told, WHEN they're told. 2-3 points are given when you do the task before I even have to ask (brush teeth, put dish into dishwasher, start your chore, do your homework...etc...)

I try to keep my expectations reasonable, and I penalize HEAVILY for intentional deceit such as lying or leading me to believe a lie, or ANY sneaky behavior. I also never confront her about the obvious lie, I just remove the points. Plus, I base whether or not I trust your story on the trust jar! Even if I'm sure it's true, I'm not allowed to believe her if she doesn't show any trustworthiness (in evidence by the jar). My common response to her choices, nowadays, is "Oh, I'm sorry you chose to do that, because I know how hard it is to earn trust back, once it's lost". It took many weeks of being treated as a 2 yr old, for her to catch on. As it began I was a bit lenient because I wanted her to establish good habits quickly and without too much work. Over time, I adjusted my expectations slowly to the level she is at now. It hardly ever occurs to her to fight me when I ask her to do something...she nearly NEVER whines at her chores, or small requests such as put your shoes away. AND more than that, she is quick about it. I smile and Thank her as I put a trust point in....immediate consequences for good as well as poor choices. She hasn't needed a time out in months.


Because my children are substantially older than Aspenhall's I asked her some questions.

Re: Trust jar question

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Would this work for a 15 year old teenage boy?

I think it could work......the "trust points" are earned for meeting realistic expectations, so for example a 7 yr old would earn trust points differently and a bit easier than a teenager. If he does everything you ask when you ask without whining, he would get a trust point. Or if he does it without being asked he would get one. If he lies, or intentionally decieves the jar gets emptied. So really, how long it takes is totally up to him. Sneaky acts lose trust.
Line of Sight supervision stops at around age 5-6, so the jar would need to be 1/3 full before that stops...But once it stops, he can either lose points or earn them....the point being that HE is in charge of how quickly and fully he gets trusted....by his own actions/words.


How many cotton balls are typically in a jar?

I think the jar size could stay the same for any age child, and the amount can be the same as well. But a 5 yr olds responsibilities are different than a 9 yr olds, so they could earn them at the same rate, but a 15 has MORE opportunities to LOSE trust, where a 9 yr old has a bit less...because the perks of being trusted at 9 are less than being trusted at 15. A 15 yr old NEEDS the trust more than a 6 yr old would...so I would think the impulse to earn trust would be greater as the stakes are higher. Think of the level of balls in the jar as a percentage of trust. All kids screw up, so the expectation isn't to get the jar FULL, that gets you extras....beyond your years....I try to help dd aim for near full. No one is perfect and it isn't expected. She's gonna lie and possibly empty the jar, but to come to me voluntarily and tell me it was a lie, and "make it up to me" will let her earn back points immediately. So yes, the level dropped to zero, but within seconds it was building up again as she took responsibility for her actions.


My son has RAD, bipolar, ADD, PTSD, cerebral dysrythmia... do you think this will work for kids who may not understand consequences? (I linked this to my blog about him choosing to bring a "gun" to school.)

I think that trustworthy actions can be made if the desire is strong enough, even if they don't call it being trustworthy.....but since it is easy to lose trust and very hard to earn back, it establishes a good habit of checking your choices....if he cannot process action/consequences like with some FAS/FAE children it would be much harder.... So no I think almost anyone can learn to be trustworthy....you just have to find a way to make it matter to them. They may not care if being untrustworthy makes someone feel bad, but they would care if being untrustworthy affect their level of priviledges. I think for some people empathy may never develop. But the visual thermometer helps them pay attention to the effects of their choices. Like checking the weather to see what you'll need to wear, you check the jar to see what tools are needed to live without stressing. If he really wants to get above zero he'd have to show he was trustworthy consecutively for quite a awhile, because when you lose points you lose fairly big amounts at a time, and when you earn them back it takes awhile because you only earn them back one at a time... His good choices will have to be at least triple the amount of his bad ones to build up the jar...


Do you mind if I post this on my blog?
I don't mind you giving me credit or using it on your blog.....my own blog which I may discuss the trust jar concept on can be found at punkrebelmama.blogspot.com

Thanks,
-aspenhall

So now I have to work on my list of expectations for kids, and then I think this weekend I will be able to introduce the concept of the Trust Jar. I'm actually really excited by this idea, because Bob has started lying and being untrustworthy and I need her to understand that her actions have consequences. Plus, I think Bear will really benefit from such a visual reminder of why I don't trust him. I really want Grandma (our after-school provider) to be involved in this. I feel the kids are not benefitting from what appears to them to be her uninvolvement with their consequences. I also don't want her to have to feel she is "tattling" - this way she can handle it herself without having to commit us to the FAIR Club.

Yesterday, Bob was feeling poorly. She spent all evening, the time I was home anyway, laying on the couch - she didn't even eat dinner. However, she told Grandma that she'd done her chore for the day - cleaning the bathroom. This was blatantly untrue! Since I now apparently have her stomach bug, I feel total sympathy for not doing her chores. Lying about it on the other hand - is huge! I wish the Trust Jar was already in place!

Nauseously yours,
Mary

Progress?

Lately Bear has been asking for more priviliges - mostly being allowed to go places like church events, friend's houses, walks or runs by himself, out classes at the high school... when I told him the other day that I didn't feel comfortable letting him do something - he wanted to know why. Usually he doesn't ask why, he just pouts - so I was glad he'd asked. I told him that I didn't trust him, and mentioned what happened in Summer school. He asked why I was holding a grudge?!





I've tried to explain to him that he has to build trust with us. I told him that it feels like every time we relax the rules a little bit, something bad happens (I mentioned the incident in June, but Bear is very much an out of sight out of mind kind of kid!). I'm looking into an option that was created by a woman on the special needs forum at Adoption.com called The Trust Jar. Quick summary, as the child slowly builds trust, the jar is added to with each trust building episode. If the child does something that damages trust they quickly lose a lot of trust points. The best part for me is that you treat the child based on how full the jar is. So if the jar is half full, then the child has all the trust and privileges of a child half his age. If the jar is empty, and say someone steals something - even though you may know it wasn't the child who did it, you say, "I'm sorry but I have to assume it was you." We do this now (often search only Bear's room when something is missing), but this gives me a concrete visible way of showing him why we do this. Instead of him assuming I'm just holding a grudge or something.





I'm asking for permission from the lady to post the details of The Trust Jar here. Plus I had some questions I hope she'll answer about the actual application. I'm hoping she'll say it's OK to post this, and will answer my questions. I really think this could help Bear understand. My only concern is how easy is it to earn trust? I don't think he's anywhere near ready for some of the normal priviliges a 15 year old is allowed. One thing this lady has done is tell her daughter that if she keeps The Trust Jar full (or nearly full) for a year, then she can have a horse. For Bear, I'm thinking Driver's Ed would be a good option. This gives me a year (or more) before I start having to worry about him driving.





Another thing I need to do is get a list of responsibilities and privileges of children of different ages. For example, I know a 1-2 year old is definitely not allowed to watch TV or use the phone, plays with playdoh and toddler toys (no choking hazards) and has a bedtime of 7:30pm.





I'm thinking a child age 7 and under should only be allowed to watch G movies and TV shows(no child is allowed to watch PG13/Y14 movies/shows in our house), isn't allowed to spend the night at friend's houses, can only play in the back yard - not the front, cannot use tools, can only use the phone with a parent sitting right there, and has an 8pm bedtime.





The hard part will be determining what is appropriate for each child and then sticking to it. Sticking to discipline plans has always been hard for me. Having 4 kids at 4 different developmental stages and levels of trust is equally hard. Plus, I have to be "true" to what I actually allowed my kids to do at the age they are operating at - the biokids know exactly what those are!!


Would love advice on what to do at the different levels. I figure I need 1-2 years - for those with empty jars. 4 year old (Ponito) and 6-7 yr. for those with 1/2 full jars. And a list for full jars for a 9, 12-13, and 15 year old. I'm kind of excited about this idea, and kind of nervous too.

Mary
"How full is my jar?"