Oh the irony!

A fellow parent had a concern with Beyond Consequences because it felt like she was being told not to give our kids any consequences, and that all the responsibility was being given to the parents and the kids didn't have to do anything.

We've had similar concerns with Beyond Consequences. Just like with medicine, not every technique or treatment works the same way, if at all, with every child. That said, I do like Beyond Consequences because it helps me remember why my child is acting the way he or she is, and have more empathy and patience with them. It does make me feel like all of the burden is on the parent, but I interpret it to mean that we should not give consequences In The Heat Of The Moment because the kids are shut down and unable to process it. For example, if the child begins yelling and screaming at you over not wanting to do a chore, this is not the time to be punishing them. Instead help them regulate and calm and then later, when the child is emotionally stable reintroduce the concept or discuss consequences.

Chores are a huge trigger for Kitty. If I pushed consequences in the heat of the battle, she would rather die than comply, so would end up being grounded for life, have 5 pg writing assignments, have nothing in her room (because it was all taken away)… and I would most likely have a damaged relationship, bite marks, smashed cabinets, suicidal and homicidal threats, yet another visit from the police with hours wasted in the lobby of the local psych hospital getting her signed in, and 2 weeks of visiting her at said hospital (in case you haven’t guessed yes, this actually happened over being asked to put a load of dishes in the dishwasher). Obviously she didn’t much care about being grounded or any other consequences then. I’m not saying this still might not have happened, but under the same circumstances when I focused on empathy and trying to help her emotionally regulate and blew off actually getting the chore done the severity of the meltdown was much less severe.

Now I look at things that trigger her and try to find ways to keep them from happening or being so severe. Maybe break it down into smaller pieces if possible, or put it at times when she is a little more fresh and emotionally regulated.

Cleaning the kitchen was a big trigger that ALWAYS caused big issues. Rather than fuss at her and force her to comply, or drop the issue entirely, we broke the chore down into smaller pieces. Now she does the floors on Tuesday, wipes down the stovetop and wipes the front of the refrigerator on Wednesday, and on Saturdays she wipes down the front of the cabinets. Rather than assigning a day to do dishes, we finally decided to assign a time. That way if she misses it because she can’t handle it then we only miss one load and we don’t get as much backlog (this is huge for a family of our size). We also assigned her chores that don’t matter so much if they don’t get done. Sometimes one of us helps her get her chores done when she looks like she’s overwhelmed. As she gets better she can handle more.



So here's the irony. Tonight I had a huge fight with her because she didn’t want to do the dishes! *sigh*

I lost my temper and yelled at her. I rarely yell (like maybe 3 times in the last 3 years), but I'm tired of being told,

• Kitty: "I'll unload and that's all I'm going to do... I'll come back later and do it.

(I should be thinking, she needs a break to keep from getting overwhelmed, but instead I'm thinking, yea right, you'll never come back).

• Kitty: "You love your kids more than me."

(I should be thinking this means Kitty needs reassurance of my love, but instead I'm thinking I'm so tired of this and I know I have no way of convincing her I love her too, no matter how often or in how many ways I say I love her and my hearts big enough to love all my kids and more.)

• "No one else does their chores."

(I should be thinking Kitty is feeling that she's being forced to do more than others and feeling picked on. Instead I'm thinking, yea right, you just can't they think of anything original to say so you pulled out the same tired old argument that you've heard everyone use. I'm also thinking that if this was an accepted excuse then none of the kids would ever do chores again so no way I can let her get away with this.)

• Kitty: "You never make Bob do her chores... I have homework too"

(I should be thinking Kitty is jealous and feels that others are getting things, privileges, that I want. Instead I'm thinking nice try at distracting, but I ain't falling for that. Yea, you have a little bit of homework now (a few weeks ago the IEP team decided she was ready to start trying homework), but nothing like the hours and hours that Bob does, and you don't do it anyway).

• Kitty: "I hate this family. I never had to do chores in foster care."

(I should be thinking Kitty is scared and wanting to push us away. Instead I'm not responding to the hate the family part and arguing with her. Every family has chores. The chores may be different in other places, but this is how we do chores in our family.)

• "You're going to stand there and criticize how I do the dishes. You don't criticize anyone else or tell anyone else what to do even though Ponito obviously did it wrong."

(I should be thinking one of Kitty's biggest triggers is criticism. Instead I told her, in less abrubt terms, that's because you both do it wrong, but I'm not usually there when Ponito loads the dishwasher.

• Kitty: "I'd rather do kitty litter every day. I just hate dishes. I don't want to do them.

(I don't even know what I should be thinking. All I want to say is, tough toenails. I don't know anyone who likes doing dishes, but everyone has to deal with dishes and everyone in our family does them. Put on your big girl panties and just do them. All you have to do is load and unload a freakin' dishwasher!)

• Kitty: "I'm just never going to eat again, then I don't have to do dishes."

(Truthfully I know she has food issues and I think this is tangled in this. I should be thinking she's afraid of not having food and she's doesn't have control- which is scary for her. Instead I just told her, we all clean up messes we didn't make. You're doing dishes anyway. I thought but didn't say, that there was no way she'd miss a meal - and I was definitely right on that one - although she did leave a bunch of food on her plate - one of her biggest complaints.)
Dinner was late, which didn't go over with Kitty who was "starving" (instantly forgot she wasn't going to eat. After I yelled at her she stormed out of the room. I told her I was going to be standing within 4 feet of her at all times if she didn't go to her room. She eventually went to her room. Normally I'd follow her and help her emotionally regulate, but tonight I needed to finish making dinner and didn't really want to deal with her. She cried in her room and came out still angry. We talked briefly and she calmed down a little.

Bobbin' along

So in the car on the way to work I confronted Hubby on his not-so-private comments regarding how I handle Bob. I told him it hurt my feelings - a lot, but that I thought it was just me being over sensitive until I talked to my mom and she agreed with me. I knew he hadn't intentionally hurt my feelings - in the 16 years I've known him he has almost never been anything but supportive and empathetic. I think this was one reason I was so surprised. Then I asked his advice on how he thought I should handle Bob. (Great minds think alike Denise!) I expressed my worry that Bob might be bipolar like the rest of my family.


Hubby got defensive because he thought Mom and I were suggesting that Bob take meds (which Hubby is pretty adamantly against unless there are no other alternatives. He thinks I do not need them either). I reassured him that I didn't think Bob needed meds, I was just very concerned. There are so many issues it could be (the new kids, raging hormones - which are supposedly worse before they start their period because the hormones have nowhere to go, holidays...). We talked for awhile about what could have caused her behavior, how to handle it, and whether or not we should put her in therapy.

This topic led into Hubby's issues in dealing with Kitty that morning. Ironically it was very similar to my issues with Bob.

Kitty had told Hubby the day before that she would eat all her lunch (she'd taken a larger than usual lunch, and has major appetite issues due to her ADHD meds - we've had to work with her on eating, at least something, even though she's rarely hungry.) While she was making breakfast and lunch for the day, I happened to glance in her lunch box and realized that it was almost full from the day before. I mentioned it to Hubby. He called her on it and she immediately got defensive (she cannot take criticism, even implied, from anyone but me, and even that is hard on her). Kitty started yelling at Hubby and accusing him of yelling at her - he spoke firmly, but had never yelled. I reminded her that when she feels criticized she feels yelled at, and that Dad was NOT yelling at her.


She and Hubby kept at it. I tried to stay out of it, only stepping in to ask Kitty to calm down and to remind her that Dad was NOT yelling at her. Often if they go at it long enough, and only one parent engages with her, Kitty will calm down. Not so much this time.

In the car, I reminded Hubby of the Beyond Consequences training we'd taken and the little bit of work he'd done with the attachment therapist. I told Hubby that Kitty had shut down and was in "flight, fight or freeze mode" almost immediately after his first sentence. Hubby felt very persecuted by mine and my mom's reaction to his critiquing me, and now by my saying he was parenting Kitty incorrectly. He told me that he felt persecuted/ crucified and shut down for awhile.

After a little while he expressed his frustration with not being allowed to parent Kitty. He felt kept out of the attachment loop (unfortunately that's how it works, the child attaches to one parent and only then gets to the point that they can start working on relationships with others). He felt that he was not allowed to say anything to Kitty because she would take it the wrong way. I explained to him that the AT and I weren't deliberately keeping him out of loop, and that I wasn't saying he couldn't parent Kitty at all, just that he needed to be aware that it was pretty pointless to talk to her after she had shut down. We talked about how to approach her later when she wasn't activated.

At that point, we talked about my dead car for awhile and what to do next. Then we talked about how many people we owed money to. Hubby finally hit his overwhelm point and we pretty much stopped talking for the rest of the trip.

Quite frankly I don't know how we does it. He IS depressed, whether he agrees with my mom and I or not. Our life IS incredibly stressful. He doesn't sleep well, and he's taken the weight of the world on his shoulders (in the picture it's only the weight of our daughter). I couldn't do as well as I am (not that that's saying much) without major support (THANK YOU ALL!!) and medication!

Not sure what to do about blogging all that's gone on this week! I've gotten part of Tuesday done and the rest of the week has been just as eventful! *sigh*

Trust jar

The following is Aspenhall's description of the trust jar.

The trust jar is an large old random vase (from my dating years) filled with cotton balls (pink balls). It is placed on top of a bookshelf in the main living area of our home and visible from many places in my home. For each age you are, I expect the jar to be mostly full no matter the age.....so if you were 6 and the jar was less than half full, you would only get the life of a 3 yr old....constant supervision, no friends houses, or paints, or scissors etc... If the jar is near full you have full rights to everything a 6 yr old can do....playdough access, bike riding, friends houses, big kid books etc...

In order to "gain trust points/balls", you must meet my expectations. One point/ball per expectation met. If you make poor choices, you lose points...but not just one at a time. OH NO, trust is EASY to lose FAST, but very hard to gain back fast. Depending on the infraction, you may lose 2 up to EVERY SINGLE BALL. I never take less than 2. Because trust is twice as hard to earn once lost. I never tie the trust points to MY emotions unless my dd is attached fairly well. (for example, "I'm dissappointed with your behavior, and you now lose 3 trust points/balls.")

For EVERY SINGLE request, I consult the trust jar to see where the level is at. My basic response to any "can I..." priviledge request is always "I don't know, lets go check the trust jar". She is learning to build up her points, after a few bad days, before even asking me.

Now a child of mine, is a child who gets things randomly as I see deals or specials or things I think they'd enjoy. HOWEVER, it is up to my daughter to decide if she is trusted enough to receive the very cool things I buy her ( a 2 yr old cannot be trusted with a DVD etc..). They go up on the shelf next to the trust jar until, or unless, the jar is above half full, AND IF she has not -lost- a SINGLE trust point that day...which includes all of bedtime...the item of her choice is given ONLY the following day.

Some of the items include toys she has been grounded from, as well as books, DVD's, horse related items, etc....

On the items she has been grounded from, I may decide I no longer care to store them and I will be selling them on ebay for cash, OR she has the option of buying them back from me. 1 chore per toy is the price.

All in all it helps me see her good behavior (as she is quick to remind me she's doing well) and it helps illustrate the idea of trust VERY WELL. We started this awhile ago and she responded well, both when she had attachment/selfish issues, and also now. The jar takes all responsibility off of my shoulders and puts it squarely on hers. I don't make the choice of whether or not she may go to a friends house, SHE does, by the choices she makes. And it's futile to argue with a JAR.

As a special bonus, I have agreed to buy my child a HORSE......if she can keep the trust jar full (or near full) for an entire year.

The cotton balls were chosen, because anything cool would have been to tempting to take down and play with....also they're cheap. Also, points may NOT be earned by patronizing me...extras do not earn you points (such as rubbing my shoulders) only a happy attitude and trying your best will earn you trust. If you drag your feet and I have to remind you multiple times to hurry or keep going or stop playing around, you no longer get a trust point for that thing even if you complete the task I have asked you to do. I expect to have to remind a 7 yr old once to finish a 30 min chore. I expect a school age child to arrive home from school at a certain time (15 min allowed for only a 5 min walk home).

I expect the same to do as they're told, WHEN they're told. 2-3 points are given when you do the task before I even have to ask (brush teeth, put dish into dishwasher, start your chore, do your homework...etc...)

I try to keep my expectations reasonable, and I penalize HEAVILY for intentional deceit such as lying or leading me to believe a lie, or ANY sneaky behavior. I also never confront her about the obvious lie, I just remove the points. Plus, I base whether or not I trust your story on the trust jar! Even if I'm sure it's true, I'm not allowed to believe her if she doesn't show any trustworthiness (in evidence by the jar). My common response to her choices, nowadays, is "Oh, I'm sorry you chose to do that, because I know how hard it is to earn trust back, once it's lost". It took many weeks of being treated as a 2 yr old, for her to catch on. As it began I was a bit lenient because I wanted her to establish good habits quickly and without too much work. Over time, I adjusted my expectations slowly to the level she is at now. It hardly ever occurs to her to fight me when I ask her to do something...she nearly NEVER whines at her chores, or small requests such as put your shoes away. AND more than that, she is quick about it. I smile and Thank her as I put a trust point in....immediate consequences for good as well as poor choices. She hasn't needed a time out in months.


Because my children are substantially older than Aspenhall's I asked her some questions.

Re: Trust jar question

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Would this work for a 15 year old teenage boy?

I think it could work......the "trust points" are earned for meeting realistic expectations, so for example a 7 yr old would earn trust points differently and a bit easier than a teenager. If he does everything you ask when you ask without whining, he would get a trust point. Or if he does it without being asked he would get one. If he lies, or intentionally decieves the jar gets emptied. So really, how long it takes is totally up to him. Sneaky acts lose trust.
Line of Sight supervision stops at around age 5-6, so the jar would need to be 1/3 full before that stops...But once it stops, he can either lose points or earn them....the point being that HE is in charge of how quickly and fully he gets trusted....by his own actions/words.


How many cotton balls are typically in a jar?

I think the jar size could stay the same for any age child, and the amount can be the same as well. But a 5 yr olds responsibilities are different than a 9 yr olds, so they could earn them at the same rate, but a 15 has MORE opportunities to LOSE trust, where a 9 yr old has a bit less...because the perks of being trusted at 9 are less than being trusted at 15. A 15 yr old NEEDS the trust more than a 6 yr old would...so I would think the impulse to earn trust would be greater as the stakes are higher. Think of the level of balls in the jar as a percentage of trust. All kids screw up, so the expectation isn't to get the jar FULL, that gets you extras....beyond your years....I try to help dd aim for near full. No one is perfect and it isn't expected. She's gonna lie and possibly empty the jar, but to come to me voluntarily and tell me it was a lie, and "make it up to me" will let her earn back points immediately. So yes, the level dropped to zero, but within seconds it was building up again as she took responsibility for her actions.


My son has RAD, bipolar, ADD, PTSD, cerebral dysrythmia... do you think this will work for kids who may not understand consequences? (I linked this to my blog about him choosing to bring a "gun" to school.)

I think that trustworthy actions can be made if the desire is strong enough, even if they don't call it being trustworthy.....but since it is easy to lose trust and very hard to earn back, it establishes a good habit of checking your choices....if he cannot process action/consequences like with some FAS/FAE children it would be much harder.... So no I think almost anyone can learn to be trustworthy....you just have to find a way to make it matter to them. They may not care if being untrustworthy makes someone feel bad, but they would care if being untrustworthy affect their level of priviledges. I think for some people empathy may never develop. But the visual thermometer helps them pay attention to the effects of their choices. Like checking the weather to see what you'll need to wear, you check the jar to see what tools are needed to live without stressing. If he really wants to get above zero he'd have to show he was trustworthy consecutively for quite a awhile, because when you lose points you lose fairly big amounts at a time, and when you earn them back it takes awhile because you only earn them back one at a time... His good choices will have to be at least triple the amount of his bad ones to build up the jar...


Do you mind if I post this on my blog?
I don't mind you giving me credit or using it on your blog.....my own blog which I may discuss the trust jar concept on can be found at punkrebelmama.blogspot.com

Thanks,
-aspenhall

So now I have to work on my list of expectations for kids, and then I think this weekend I will be able to introduce the concept of the Trust Jar. I'm actually really excited by this idea, because Bob has started lying and being untrustworthy and I need her to understand that her actions have consequences. Plus, I think Bear will really benefit from such a visual reminder of why I don't trust him. I really want Grandma (our after-school provider) to be involved in this. I feel the kids are not benefitting from what appears to them to be her uninvolvement with their consequences. I also don't want her to have to feel she is "tattling" - this way she can handle it herself without having to commit us to the FAIR Club.

Yesterday, Bob was feeling poorly. She spent all evening, the time I was home anyway, laying on the couch - she didn't even eat dinner. However, she told Grandma that she'd done her chore for the day - cleaning the bathroom. This was blatantly untrue! Since I now apparently have her stomach bug, I feel total sympathy for not doing her chores. Lying about it on the other hand - is huge! I wish the Trust Jar was already in place!

Nauseously yours,
Mary

Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control

A sweet friend made some comments about Kitty and homeschooling that I wanted to address. I want to assure her that while I see her point and value her opinion, there are some differences between raising a biochild and a "damaged" child. I love you Denise, and I know you have my best interests at heart.

I have been reading the book Beyond Consequences, Logic and Control by Bryan Post, and while I definitely don't agree with everything he says - some of it makes sense. His main premise is that there are only 2 emotions - love and fear. EVERY other emotion is based on one of those two emotions. Therefore when Kitty (or Bear or any of the other children) becomes angry or has meltdowns, it is because they are scared. When people are very scared they drop into what has been called the reptilian brain or the brain stem. It could also be described as instinctual and while they are in this state they have no control and no cognitive thought. Basically their body is saying "Fight, Flight, or Freeze."

For example, if a Vietnam vet with PTSD hears the backfire of a car - he will immediately drop to the ground. This is an instinctual first response. For my daughter the triggers vary, but the response stays the same. Usually she freezes first while her brain tries to process the information. Flight can mean actually running away or dissociating. Kitty is very good at dissociating, and when she's stuck in this part of her brain she cannot be reached at all. All we can do is reassure her and try to help her feel safe while we wait for her to move into the cognitive brain.

Right now Kitty (and Bear) are very hypervigilant. This means they feel that their world is a very scary place and they have to constantly be on guard for dangers. Every minute our brain receives thousands of messages (I hear my husband talking on the phone to a debt collector, I hear Bear making his lunch and breakfast, I'm listening for the sound of his bus, I'm listening for sounds of the other people in the house, the chair I'm sitting in is uncomfortable, my stomach is full from my breakfast, the screen is very bright in my cubby under the stairs because my only light broke, if anyone comes to stand in my doorway I'm trapped...). As a normal adult we don't even consciously process 1/10th of this stuff. For hypervigilant children this information is overwhelming.

Because the world is so overwhelming, the children become disregulated very easily. When they're disregulated they can't handle even simple things that normally they would be able to handle. Right now Kitty is on overwhelm. My job is to reassure her that she is safe. I also have to help her cope with her world by making it smaller. She does not have a lot of toys, she stays in my line of sight, and since right now Grandma is obviously triggering a lot of her issues, I will have to take her to work with me. This could potentially be seen as "giving in" to her, but right now she's in that instinctual state and NO consequence is going to reach her. All consequences and discipline do at this point are trigger her more.

Normally she is emotionally about 6 and consistency is key. When she is in this state she is emotionally an infant and has to be treated as such. If an infant is crying, you cannot tell it the bottle will be ready in 10 minutes, you cannot explain to it that your hands are full and you can't pick it up and comfort it right now. All it understands is that it is afraid that the food will never come - especially because for this child the food, comfort, or diaper changes often didn't come.

So I'm taking my overwhelmed infant to work with me. I made her a therapy appointment to start her EMDR today. She has a doctor's appointment this afternoon to see if she has bronchitis like her sister.

Well, it's past time to start my day. Please forgive the horrible photoshop job I did on Kitty's baby picture. The original had a huge purple stain down the right side of her face and body. I tried to clean it up but I should have had one of my staff do it. They did some amazing things with other photos!

Hugs and prayers,

Mary