Financial Planning for the Adopted Child

We went to a meeting with a financial planner last night with a ton of good information about money, savings, and sending your adopted child to college. Quite a bit of it wasn't applicable to us, but I wanted to share.

The biggest and most significant thing for us was information about the Federal Adoption Tax Credit.

• If you adopt a child with special needs from foster care (if you get adoption assistance you can assume you qualify),


• you automatically qualify for the maximum amount of the tax credit (for 2010 it's $13,170 per child!)


• without having to prove actual adoption expenses (if you adopt internationally you qualify too, but it only covers actual adoption expenses which you have to prove).


• If you didn't apply for this credit the year you finalized your adoption it's a good idea to file an amendment.


• Until 2010 this was only available as a credit for federal income tax, which rolled over every year until it was gone,


• as of 2010 you have the option of getting a REFUND if you still have credit after all your taxes are paid.

This is huge for us because even though we adopted Bear and Kitty in 2008, we didn't have any significant income for 2008 or 2009. While Hubby had an income for 2010, we should still have a substantial credit.


Sending a child adopted from foster care to college or technical school:

A big focus of this meeting was the fact that most children adopted from Texas foster care are eligible for FREE tuition and fees for an unlimited number of years of public college (provided they work with CPS to obtain a waiver form and enroll before age 25 - they don't even have to attend consecutively - they can go to grad school when they're 50!). Of course we aren't eligible for this because we didn't adopt from TX. *sigh*

If your child was in foster care on or after the 13th birthday, he or she can apply for financial aid as an independent student (meaning parents' income or assets won't count when applying for federal aid). This applies to Bear (adopted the day before his 15th birthday), but unfortunately not for Kitty since we adopted her 2 weeks before she turned 13 (I'd heard of this law, but couldn't find it and we'd delayed her adoption so long it didn't make sense to delay it for 2 more weeks - the law officially came into effect the following year).

If your child was 16 or older (unfortunately neither of mine) when adopted from foster care they are eligible for up to $5,000 in annual reimbursements or direct payments to vendors on child's behalf. This can be used for tuition, room and board, books, computer, transportation, child care, tutoring and some other expenses. Can be received up to age 23.

If your child was 16 or older when adopted and has some form of adoption assistance agreement then adoption assistance and Medicaid extends until the child is 21 (instead of stopping at 18 or 19) - as long as they are regularly attending college.



Good Ways to Pay for Your Kid's College

You need to apply annually for financial aid using the FAFSA form. This is how you document your income and assets and your child's income and assets. It's free to file.

Things have changed since my parents helped me go through college. One of the biggest things that has changed is:

It's not necessarily a good idea to put money (savings bonds, trust funds, savings accounts) in your child's name because:

• It counts against them on the FAFSA form. If you had $10K in your child's name, they might be required to pay about $2K of it towards college tuition, whereas the same amount in your name would only count for less than $600 (especially if they qualify for independent student).


• Your child has no obligations to use it for college. They could buy a car or Xbox games.


• If you need it to say, save your house, the child doesn't have to give it back.

According to the financial adviser, the best thing to invest college money in was a 529 College Saving Plan. One of the biggest advantages I saw was that you could change the beneficiary so if you had a child who decided not to go to college, or there was money left, then you could transfer it to another child.

If y'all want more info let me know.

Beyond Belief

In therapy this weekend we talked to Bear about why he feels he has to leave at 18.

Belief: Bear said it was because when he was in foster care he was told he would be kicked out/ leaving as soon as he came of age (in Nebraska that's when he turns 19, but here in Texas it's when he turns 18). Because he had this "belief" he made many "assumptions" which he'd never questioned. These assumptions fuel his distancing behavior with us.

Of course we told him we love him, and we want him to stay. There is no reason to leave.

Belief: Bear was also told by many people that he wouldn't make it when he was on his own. So he feels he has to prove everyone wrong, and he has to do it all by himself. He of course assumed we felt the same way, and he gave something Hubby has said to him a few times over the years as an example. Apparently Hubby has brought up the fact that Bear's biodad has been in jail as an example of what could happen to Bear. I know Hubby was trying to point out to Bear that stealing, doing drugs and skipping school are not the best way to stay out of jail, but of course to Bear it was reinforcing Bear's belief that everyone thought he couldn't live on his own. Added to the fact that he "knew" he had to leave and this was a threat.

Of course we told him that he probably could survive on his own, but there was no need to. We told him that we wanted to give him the opportunity to thrive. We reminded him that even though we are adults, we still come to our parents for advice and support. He is not alone, and we're going to be there for him. We want to be there for him, and not because we don't think he can do it, but because we love him and want the best for him.

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No idea what this means for Bear's future with us.

He got to go to the football game with Hubby on Friday. He went scuba diving and finally finished his certification. He spent most of the day outside doing what he wanted to do. He's had a pretty good weekend. Will be interesting to see what happens next time he doesn't get what he wants.

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Do want to mention one thing we've decided to start with Bear. A new way for him to "check in."

I like what Lisa's daughter J is doing which is a form of journaling that she's put on her blog Journey to Being a Normal Little Kid. It seemed to help her connect to her emotions and herself.

I felt mad when
I felt sad when (J apparently writes these each time, so she often writes now, "I didn't feel ________ today.")
I felt scared when
I feel glad that

The things I like about myself are:
1.
2.
3.

I am grateful for:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.

I couldn't remember the exact wording when I told the therapist about this. Bear of course is adamantly against anything to do with writing. We talked about letting Bear do this verbally, but my issue with that was timing. Bear tends to only approach me when I'm in the middle of dealing with other things (and then using that as an excuse to never approach me). I'd rather this be something he does that we can pick and choose when to discuss it with him. If we see something upsetting or interesting then we could seek him out, otherwise we might only talk about it 2-3 times a week.

Here's the therapist's suggested wording:

I was feeling ____________ when? _________________________.
I asked for help when ____________________________ from who? _______________
What was the outcome? ________________________________ This was + or -.

I want him to start accessing and being aware of his emotions. We're talking about having a feeling word bank for the fill in the blank area:
Happy, sad, annoyed, afraid, proud, confused, grossed out, anxious/ nervous, glad, grateful, abandoned, neglected...

got any more feelings I could list? Or wording suggestions?

The Making of a "Plan"

Thursday night when Hubby got home I hid. I knew I'd done nothing but sit on my booty all day. I didn't go to work, I didn't clean, I didn't declutter/organize, I didn't sew on a project I promised a friend of mine months ago (sorry STS!), I didn't study, I didn't clean out my inbox, I didn't even do something for myself to make myself feel better. I just vegged in front of reruns of America's Next T*p M*del, and played Spider S*litaire.

Bear was outside mowing the lawn (instead of doing his chores) so I didn't need to be downstairs running interference, so I went upstairs to "nap." Didn't work. So I got up and did some laundry and that's what I was doing when Hubby got home (so he assumed I'd been productive all day - neat trick huh?!). "The game" was on so I tried to sneak around the edges of things, but Hubby noticed I was having trouble, and finally caught up with me in the garage pretending trying to "declutter" the mess that we call a garage.

He asked me if I was OK, and I told him no, but to go back and watch the game. He wouldn't leave (stubborn man!) and when he hugged me I burst into tears. We talked for a minute, and I finally convinced him to go back to the game and that I would be fine until we had a chance to "make a plan" for what to do with Bear after the kids went to bed.

Maybe it is time to go back on anti-depressants.

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The Making of a Plan

Define the problem:

• • Bear is mildly verbally abusive.
  • He is non-compliant with his chores and therapy homework - in a mostly passive aggressive way.
  • He appears to emotionally need the support and structure we give him so when we "lighten up" he acts out so that we are forced to clamp down again.
  • "Lightening up" not only puts Bear at risk, but the whole family. Currently I run interference between him and the children, but that would be even more difficult if he is escalating.
  • Currently he triggers me in a way that makes me shut down emotionally which renders me useless for handling and supporting the family.
  • He is planning on leaving home when he turns 18 in July, but will still have one year of high school left, no job skills, no driving skills, no ability to fill out applications for services/jobs, and will most likely be going off his meds (voluntarily or because he has no means to get more) and therefore will be psychotic.
  • Bear wants to go live with biograndfather in another state. It is so rural there is almost no way he'd be able to access meds and services - assuming he can be convinced he needs them.
  • The pdoc thinks we should let him crash and burn because there is not enough evidence that he cannot fundamentally take care of himself.
  • I feel a moral obligation to avoid Bear ending up in the "real world" with no supports.
  Identify Barriers:
  • Pdoc, school and Bear's MHMR support staff think we should give Bear more freedoms and less structure, and are not supportive. For almost all alternatives we will be proceeding without professional support.
  • Hubby and I do not believe that it is possible to completely "cure" Bear's attachment issues - particularly in the time remaining.
  • There are no "tried and true" methods or even precedents to refer to on how to deal with this situation.
  • Without Bear "buying in" we have little hope of success. There is little motivation on Bear's part to do so. If we choose to manipulate him to gain compliance with whatever path we choose, then we risk alienating him further.
  

Brainstorm Alternatives:

1. Status Quo - continue to keep Bear and the family safe by continuing the current structure and support.

Concerns:

• 
  • I can't keep this up,
  • disapproval and/or lack of support from professionals,
  • is not preparing him for "real life" by teaching him skills he'll need on his own,
  • is not giving him a chance to succeed or fail in "real life" skills to "prove" before he turns 18 what he is capable of (or not capable of),
  • Bear continues to resent us (this is a no win situation - I feel we're damned if we do and damned if we don't)
  • Most Important: is controlling the symptoms but not treating the underlying issues so we will be right were we started when he turns 18.
  Benefits:
  • Gives Bear more time to mature without having to deal with triggers and overwhelming situations,
  • Bear feels supported and like he can trust us to be there for him and keep him "safe,"
  • Keeps Bear and the family safe.

2. "Lighten Up" - treating Bear like a "normal teen." Start teaching him life skills whether he's ready or not.

Concerns:

• • Not safe for the family (realistically I would still feel compelled to supervise him when he's at home to protect the family - so this wouldn't really change).
  • Not safe for the world (puts peers and others at risk especially if we allow him to drive and choose what and when to take his medications)
  • We've tried this before and it always results in Bear blowing up/acting out - so that he ends up back in structured setting
  • Siblings witnessing him getting privileges he did not earn, behaving in unacceptable ways with no/few consequences, and choosing to mimic his behaviors/attitude or complaining.
  • More work for me: helping him get a job, drivers' ed, taking him places.
  • Bear feels unsafe, abandoned and neglected
  • Bear feels he "wins" and has manipulated the "stupid" adults
  • Most Important: Bear has no motivation to make any fundamental changes regarding his core issues

Benefits:

• • Bear has the opportunity to show the professionals that he can/ cannot be successful in certain "real world" activities while still living at home
  • Bear feels that he is able to "earn" privileges

"The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and
expecting different results." ~ Einstein

3. Change It Up: Go back to the drawing board and find another way to approach Bear's issues. Find professionals who will really assess Bear's abilities and work proactively to make changes. Possibly pursue legal guardianship or bribe or threaten him into staying longer to give us more time.

Alternatives/ Concerns:

• Not sure what to try next. There don't seem to be any standard treatment methods for emotionally disturbed teenage boys with RAD - do some more research into alternative treatments (for personality disorders?), try seeing a different therapist or add another therapist.
• If we change professionals we have to leave MHMR entirely. Not sure that we've explored all the options with them yet, and don't have a better alternative.
• We're running out of time!
• If we pursue legal guardianship and get it: then we have custody of an angry kid, and so far we don't have a plan on how to make progress on treating his issues instead of just his symptoms. Plus it will cost between $2000.00 and $5000.00.
• Hubby doesn't think Bear qualifies for legal guardianship.
• We could try letting Bear know we're pursuing legal guardianship (whether we really are or not) to stop his "sour grapes," "rejecting us before we can reject him" philosophy (he thinks he has to leave, but at the same time acts as though we're kicking him out). So he can maybe relax and trust us. May not work, but he was actually attaching for a little while when he was 15 and then suddenly thought he "had to" leave at 17 and regressed/ pulled away. By the time we got that cleared up he was already thinking he "had to" leave at 18.
• We could try bribing him (help getting his driver's license, a car?) to stay at least through high school for the same reason (to relax and trust us, to give him a little more time to mature and to learn some of the skills he hasn't mastered yet).

Now What?

I stopped by the MHMR (place where the kids get psychiatric services) to pay a bill and pick up a prescription for Kitty. While talking to the financial services lady it suddenly occured to me that she works with Medicaid all the time so she might know how you're supposed to get psych evals (which Medicaid won't pay for) to qualify for services (which Medicaid does pay for). Her answer was that unlike our private pay psychiatrist, theirs does his own psych evals.

We started chatting about why I wanted Bear to be diagnosed with a personality disorder, and I all of the sudden I had no idea. Since I tend to talk through things I kept talking anyway. Here's what I told her:

• Bear is diagnosed with RAD which is a childhood disease. In less than a year he won't have that diagnosis anymore. Obviously he won't be miraculously cured so we need to know what he does have so we can continue treatment.


• No one knows what RAD is, and those that do do not know how to treat it in older teens (does anyone?) so if we have a different diagnosis maybe we can get more help from the school and others.


• Bear wants to leave our home and move in with his biograndfather in rural Oklahoma the minute he turns 18. I need him to have all of his "ducks in a row" so he can access the services he needs rather than scrambling to get new psych evals and diagnoses.


• I want Bear's biograndfather to know what he's getting in to, and he won't have heard of or understand RAD.

The psychiatrist's office was right next door to the financial lady's office and he apparantly heard his name so he stopped by to see if I had a question for him (cool!). I was totally surprised by his appearance and couldn't think of any of the real questions I had for him (not cool!). So I basically just repeated my question about personality disorders.

The pdoc said he "doesn't mess with" personality disorders. There are no medications for treatment and it basically doesn't change anything regarding therapy either (and Bear qualifies for services through his bipolar disorder) so he didn't see a need for adding this to Bear's diagnoses. Plus, he didn't really think Bear had any of them. The pdoc then said, "see you tomorrow" and disappeared.

I mentioned to the financial lady that we don't have an appointment for 2 more weeks because we'd gotten bumped (not our fault) from his last appointment at the beginning of September which was supposed to be 4 weeks so we were going on 8 weeks now and had not heard a peep from the standby list. The next morning I got a call saying they had an opening for that afternoon!!

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Now I'd had a bit more of a chance to think of all the things I should have asked the pdoc about!

I played hooky from work and got together with a good friend who has severely emotionally disturbed teens/young adults (hers are biokids so they don't have the exact same issues, but they also have bipolar and her youngest attends the Special School that Bear attends (in fact she's the friend who "spilled the beans" about the program's existance, because her oldest son used it). She has legal guardianship of her 21 year old son and is in the process of getting it for her younger daughter.

She answered a LOT of my questions about legal guardianship, including the fact that the person doesn't have to be completely incapacitated. There are areas in which her son is able to handle his life (he can hold a job and mostly handle money, but he can't handle his medications or fill out forms or applications).

We talked about legal liability (what would happen if Bear stole a car and totaled it - would it be our financial responsibility? - No, it would be his. If he refused his meds, became psychotic and beat someone up? - We could have him involuntarily committed). She wasn't as able to answer these questions because her son does not have a criminal bent or issues with drugs (although she was able to talk a little about alcohol issues).

She knows my kids very well (was even our "nanny" for a brief period of time), and joy of joys, she backed me up on a lot of the things I've been anguishing about lately - not letting my teen daughters hang out at the mall, not letting Bear go to the football games unsupervised, not letting the girls and their male and female friends wander the neighborhood on Halloween unsupervised... she did say I'm a little over-protective, but that was understandable. I couldn't believe how much I've been craving hearing just one person say I'm doing a good job. My love tank is way too empty!

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So I went to the pdoc appointment ready to talk. I made a mistake though. I didn't say at the very beginning that I wanted to have a quick chat at the end so we wasted part of the time talking about coaching four year olds playing soccer and other non-related stuff while the pdoc tried to load the med changes in his computer and get Bear to talk.

The pdoc assumed that we had gone ahead with the plan to take Bear off all his meds. I quickly reassured him we had followed his advice.

Of course all Bear would say was everything was "fine." He was doing "fine" in school (I clarified that he was doing well when he wanted to, and failing the rest of the time. His sleeping is "normal for me." So I interpreted that as well - he is still getting 5 or fewer hours of sleep at night and last night had gone to bed at midnight then woken up at 4am and couldn't go back to sleep. The pdoc didn't ask about his level of irritability or anything. We mostly focused on Bear's sleep issues. The pdoc said a lot of people only need a small amount of sleep, but I reminded him of the sleep study saying Bear isn't getting enough REM sleep.

So the pdoc prescribed yet another sleep med - Remer*n. Bear tried it last night and claims it kept him from sleeping. I don't know whether to believe him or not since he doesn't want to take any more meds. Last night at 10:30pm (an hour and a half after room time and an hour and a half after entering the bathroom), I knocked on the bathroom door and told him to wake up since I assumed he'd fallen asleep in the bath again. He's not supposed to take baths at night since he takes hot water heater draining ones every morning, but he does it anyway. This morning I asked him how he slept and was told it kept him awake. I mentioned the sleeping in the tub (I could hear the water splashing after I knocked so I know he was in there) and he denied being asleep. It was morning and Bear thinks no one should be allowed to ask him questions in the morning (really any time!) so that gives him the right to be rude. So he was, and I dropped it. Then in the next breath he had the nerve to ask me to make him cookies?!

The pdoc then said if that didn't work we could try a med designed to keep him awake (which is a big issue for Bear at school). Pr*vigil. Ummm we already tried that. The residential treatment center had given it to us for ADD (since Bear couldn't tolerate any other meds we'd tried). Over a year later we finally determined it had no effect on his attention/focus so we dropped it. The pdoc asked the dose (which I didn't remember) and then said it wasn't working because the dosage wasn't high enough. Don't know how he knew that since we didn't know what the dosage was, but whatever.

Then he asked why Bear was taking Ser*quel during the day if Bear was having trouble with sleepiness? Ummm because you switched it to day and said it wouldn't make him sleepy? *sigh*

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So I told the pdoc I wanted to talk and he said we were out of time, but since I looked pretty insistant, he said OK as long as it was a short question. In my mind this was a yes or no question so we sent Bear out of the room and I told him we were considering legal guardianship and wanted to know if he would sign the papers.

Long story short, he said, "No." He thinks we should just let Bear try it and if/when he falls on his face, we pick up the pieces and then we can approach legal guardianship. He didn't see an issue with the fact that Bear is planning on leaving the state and being out of reach of our support. He thinks Bear will be compliant with meds because he is now when so many of the teens he treats are not.

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What to do now? The pdoc has seen Bear 3-4 times now for med management. I was hoping based on a couple of statements he'd made in the past that he "gets" Bear, or had read Bear's files, but he obviously hasn't (he asked for the discharge info from the residential treatment center which is already in Bear's paper file). Basically anything that's not in his computer (which as far as I can tell only contains recent info) doesn't exist.

So we're back where we started.

I feel a moral/ethical obligation to try to give Bear what he needs to at least have a headstart on being successful, but I don't really know what that looks like. It feels like everyone around me just wants to leave things at status quo.

I am filled with dread at the idea of the next 10 months of "status quo." This is not what I want for Bear. This is not what I want for me, because when I am around Bear I can no longer be a warm, nurturing parent. This is not what I want for the other kids, because they deserve/need a warm, nurturing parent - not one who is triggered and emotionally shut down. This is not what I want for my marriage either.

I'm stuck. I don't know where to go from here. I don't feel safe loosening the reins, nor do I think Bear really wants me to. I can't handle the pressure anymore from everyone saying I'm doing things wrong. I'm running on empty and I'm breaking down.

Legal Guardianship

AARRRGGGHHH!!! I had a great post, but the stupid internet ate it. It's too late to recraft it, so assume that the previous post was absolutely amazing OK?

________________________________

So I finally really did my research on legal guardianship (Thanks Struggling to Stand!) and met with a lawyer. It all boils down to whether or not Bear can be declared incompetent (needing guardianship to protect his health and welfare), and that can only be determined by a health care provider.



Based on the psychiatrist's comments in his last e-mail there is a possibility that he would write the report (although I wasn't holding my breath). However, at Bear's last therapist appointment he was awake and engaged. I felt like the therapist started to give me a hard time about overreacting to Bear's behaviors. The therapist has seen Bear at his sleepy, belligerant, defiant finest, but when he asked Bear how his week was and Bear said "fine," I probably rolled my eyes, and I jokingly moved away from Bear to "avoid the lightening strike."

The therapist asked me what was going on and I told him how Bear's week had really been (with Bear jumping down my throat many times, particularly over the fact that I was holding him accountable for his failing grades). Then Bear confirmed that it wasn't all in my head or me being a witch. He matter of factly stated that he was treating Grandma and I badly because we were female caregivers. He equally plainly stated that he wasn't interested in developing relationships with anyone and he didn't see a point in doing so. It wasn't belligerant, it wasn't denial, it was just a fact. He is mildly attached to us, but that's as far as he's willing to go. Period.

So at this point I'm not going to pursue the legal guardianship (and I'm glad his pdoc appointment isn't until the end of October) because for some reason Bear is presenting well. I have no idea where this is coming from or if it was just that one day because it was right after diving (which usually stresses him out).

I'm not dropping the idea entirely - most of my concerns are still there. Just not now.

Psychiatrist response

Not really a surprise, and he makes some good points, but now what?

FROM DR. M:

No change from this morning:
Such a plan, if it were carried out, would only be possible (even though still not recommended) in a long-term locked facility with 24 hour medical staffing.

To carry out the plan under any other conditions would simply be a dangerous undertaking.

Stopping the medications removes their neuro-protective effects, and leaves his brain vulnerable to further damage from his illness. This means "re-stabilization" is much more difficult than simply putting the medications back in place.

If through some means the plan were carried out and Bear was no longer on his medications, even if he were to destabilize, he could legally refuse to resume meds, as he is 17 years old. A court order would be required to have him take medication involuntarily. Usually such court orders are not issued unless the individual is imminently dangerous and requires involuntary commitment to a hospital.

In my opinion, Bear lacks the insight necessary to "realize" that he needs medication, even if he is very symptomatic and getting into a lot of trouble.

The plan has no merit and goes completely against appropriate medical guidelines.

Now what?

The psychiatrist said no. This is the e-mail I got from Bear's caseworker today:

Dr. M stated that he does not see any benefits in this plan. He also stated that he could not be supportive of that decision if made. I also put Bear on a stand-by list to see Dr. M sooner, but as of today, the appointment remains for 10-21.

My reply to her:

Ok, suggestions? Bear is going to do this now under our supervision where we can hopefully show him (and/or maybe the courts) that it is absolutely necessary and get him back on his meds safely and quickly, or he's going to do it cold turkey 10 months from now.

So what would y'all do?

What I want!

What I want from this experiment with Bear! aka why I come across as a vindictive witch.

This is what I'm working toward. I realize I won't get everything, maybe not any of these things I want, but this would be my ideal:

1. Medication:

• For Bear to realize that he needs his meds and that stopping his meds cold turkey could make him very sick or kill him (we tell him this constantly - I have no idea if it's really true).
• For Bear to understand that his meds are very expensive ($1300/mo) and he needs to stay on Medicaid as long as he can - if he stays with us he qualifies for Nebraska Medicaid until he turns 19 (versus most other states where he's done at 18).
• We have not mentioned Adult Medicaid, but we will if we can't convince him to stay or if we aren't granted legal guardianship. He does not have the ability to fill out the very complex forms required or to ask for or accept help.
• Legally mandated to take his meds - I have met adults who are required by the courts to stay on their meds. Most of them appear to be because while off their meds they broke the law to the extent the court was involved, and therefore the court mandated they stay on their meds.

2. Attachment - Bear has attached to us a little, but I believe that he feels he must push us away in preparation for being out on his own (kind of a sour grapes sort of thing, or rejecting us before we can reject him - even though we're not, he can't trust us enough to believe that). Therefore my (probably foolish) hope is that if he knows he doesn't "have to" leave (due to legal guardianship) that he can feel safe enough to start trusting us again and allow himself to bond.

Right before Bear turned 16, there was a period where we had really begun to trust him. He was acting like a semi-typical teen and as such we were slowly giving him the privileges that went along with that. It swiftly and dramatically went totally wrong. I'm not totally sure what happened, but I have some theories:

• It could have been the lightening of the structure and supervision on our part felt like we didn't care what happened to him and so triggered abandonment issues and defense mechanisms. So he began behaving as he did to get the structure back or just because he was angry at us and felt he couldn't trust us.
• Bear is a follower and due to the lesser supervision he was able to get in with a group of kids that were doing drugs, drinking, using tobacco products, skipping school, having sex... very tempting stuff. Plus the mind/mood altering substances messed with his body chemistry and emotions too.
• He was actually bonding to us, and he realized it, and it scared him to give us that much power and control over him so he panicked and pushed us away. For kids with RAD, love is dangerous and painful. Terrifying!
• He realized he was going to "have to" leave the house when he turned 17 (this was the rumor going around, that you could, and therefore in Bear's mind must, to prove that he doesn't need anyone, leave the house at 17). I think he panicked that 17 wasn't that far away and started pushing us as hard away from him as he could so it wouldn't hurt as much.

3. Legal guardianship - I do not believe that Bear is ready or safe to be on his own. I do not know if he ever will be. Even if he chooses to try to stay on his meds, he does not have the ability to get the services he needs to do so (filling out forms, asking for help, arranging transportation, making and remembering appointments... even though some of these things could be taught, I doubt we could do it in the time we have left - particularly because of his emotional issues (denial of his diagnoses and need for medication, inability to ask for or accept help, difficulties with problem-solving, waiting, being denied, giving up, paranoia, projection....

Thanks to all our efforts over the last 4 years with Bear he has become stable on his meds, able to control his anger (although not his irritability), rarely violent and aggressive, and is mostly getting the education services he needs. Yea! What worries me is that because of these achievements he almost lost the special school he so obviously needs, and his mask is firmly in place. His functional IQ is probably about 80 (when you take into account all the difficulties his multiple issues cause for him), but his verbal IQ is much higher when he's stable so he appears much higher functioning than he really is. He can hold himself together for a much longer period of time.

So it looks like he's functioning... but only because of our extreme efforts.

So my "experiment" is designed to as carefully and safely as possible allow the real Bear to show so that his needs are recognized before it is too late to get him what he needs.

Once he is out of the home, especially if he goes to to a rural area (his Grandfather lives in a town of less than 300 people), with little to no services, and surrounded by people who have no clue how to help him and are in some ways responsible for why he is this way in the first place... I believe that Bear will fail. And by fail, I don't mean he will have a miserable life, I mean Epic Fail - jail and/or death and taking people down with him.

He will discover that his problems have followed him (he thinks that everything is my fault and if he can just get to a small town he'll be fine).

He will have little to no support at all:

• He will lose the idealized support of his Grandfather (no one can maintain the pedestal Bear puts people on, especially if you have to tell Bear, "No"!)
• I sincerely doubt that even if he manages to stay in school that they will have much in the way of special education.
• I could not find a therapist or psychiatrist within a 30 minute drive (but that may be due to poor intenet surfing skills) - of course he doesn't plan to use these services anyway.

The temptation of alcohol (and drugs assuming he can find any) will most likely be increased as he tries to self-medicate his fears and issues. Bear has said that his grandfather is/was an alcoholic so access to alcohol will most likely be easier. This is the grandfather that Bear claims got him addicted to chewing tobacco from the age of 6 so...

Basically I want Bear to fail publicly, dramatically, and preferably in a way that requires police intervention. Something that can't be ignored and that will help us build our case that Bear needs legal guardianship or possibly even some form of mandated group home if he just can't stay home safely. A part of this is that the more that is court mandated the better, because paying for a lawyer to fight for legal guardianship, even with pre-paid legal services, is just not feasible right now, and the way things stand right this minute I think we would have a tough time winning.

It is my hope that Bear just needs a few more years of secured structured care, before he is able to do this on his own. I think he will be able to function on his own one day. Just not yet.

Caseworker assessment

Bear has to have an assessment by his MHMR caseworker every 90 days to keep his services. He had one yesterday. It was all the usual questions... how much (none, once or twice, several times, often, always) has the child ____________ (used drugs or alcohol, self-harmed, thought about or attempted suicide, skipped class, bad grades, got in a fight, argued...) how much (never, some, quite a bit, extreme) does problems with ______________ (not completing projects, relationships with friends, relationships with family, not being able to sit still, need of supervision...) interfere with his life?


I was a little concerned that we'd lose some services because he'd been under such strict supervision all Summer that he hadn't had much chance to get into trouble. Turned out most of the questions were such that I could still honestly answer that his issues were effecting his life to an extreme.


After Bear left the room, I took some time to talk to the caseworker about who could help us as we start to figure out what our options are with Bear when he turns 18 (or finishes this year of school since I don't think he'll wait until the end of July before he leaves us).


I've got to admit, we are sorely tempted to just let him go, but we have a moral obligation to do what's best for him. His current plan is to go to live with his bio-grandfather in Oklahoma the minute he turns 18 and finish his last year of high school there.


The way I see it, we have a few choices:


1. Continue with status quo, and not help him (enable him?) with making any alternative plans for leaving. Enabling him seems like it would be counter-productive to trying to convince him to stay and at least finish high school. Continue to subtly discourage him about leaving. Possibly sabotage his plans to live with Grandfather (think the guy knows that Bear is in special ed, on meds that will most likely cost over $2,000/mo, that Bear is psychotic when he is off his meds...? Bear will of course find out I did this and blame me.) Making sure Bear knows we want him to stay. Will this even work? It hasn't up to now.
What happens if it doesn't and we've just dumped a totally unprepared Bear into a world he cannot handle?

2. Let him fail/ Legal guardianship- he claims he doesn't need the supervision and medications, then maybe we should let him try life without them while he's still living with us. (Obviously this would be under the supervision of the psychiatrist, because he's on major meds and cannot go cold turkey). Then when he fails, we can use that to try to convince him that he needs us. and/or as evidence for become his legal guardians when he turns 18. Police records, psychiatric hospitalizations, and the special school, in addition to his claims that he'll drop his meds (or at least proof that he's not capable of getting them on his own) should be enough to convince a GAL that he's not competent.
Even though we would have proof that he needs it, this is still going to create a very angry Bear. He is in complete denial of his diagnoses - how could he possibly accept that he's going to have to trust us to take care of him for ... the rest of his life? at least a few more years? On the flip side this may give him the excuse he needs to surrender control and finally trust us (right now he feels he's got to mentally/emotionally brace himself for being on his own so he has to push us away so it won't hurt when we "abandon" him).

3. Assist him with moving in with bio-grandfather - talking to Grandfather (finding out if Grandfather even has a clue as to what's going on), possibly visiting him (I'm not sure Grandfather will talk to me as he gets all his info about us from Bear so this way we could meet face to face and he can see I'm not a controlling kidnapper and this way he might get an idea of what Bear is really like since he hasn't seen the kid in 10 years), then, assuming Grandfather really wants him - help Bear locate and set up services - especially getting the psychiatric services and medications and getting school services set up.
By enabling this are we sending the message we approve? By making it easy for him, will he feel we are trying to get rid of him? If he's really leaving can I do any less than everything I can to try to make sure he succeeds?

I think at this point I'm really leaning toward Option #2. So there are lots of considerations that go with that. For one thing, what is our legal liability? Can we get in trouble for allowing him to do this if/when he becomes psychotic?

How far do we go in giving Bear a "normal life?"

• Do we let him get a job?
• Do we help him get a job?
• Do we let him stop seeing his therapist?
• Do we let him get a driver's license?
• Do we help him get a driver's license?
• Do we let him go to friend's houses without checking up on him?
• Do we let him wander the neighborhood?
• Do we start teaching him how to apply for Medicaid?
• Do we start teaching him what his meds do and how they work or do we just let him drop them (under the supervision of his psychiatrist)?
• Do we make him pay for everything? (clothes, utilities, food...).
• Do we require him to prove that he can do stuff (like locate, apply for and arrange to attend: psychiatric services, MHMR services, job, Medicaid, college/trade school applications, driver's ed...)
• Do we pretend to treat him like an adult or do we treat him like a high school student?
• If we treat him like a high school student do we treat him like a "normal" high school student or does he have to continue to follow my admittedly over protective rules? In other words does he still have to be RRHAFTBA? Does he have to check in with me before he goes to a party so I can make sure there will be parents there? Is he allowed to say "naughty words" when there are no littles present?
• If/when he breaks the rules - what kind of punishment/discipline should he get? Should he go in the FAIR Club?
• When he starts treating the family badly what should the consequences be?
• If he gets violent or is caught with drugs or alcohol there is no question that the police would be called, but how involved should we be in his court dates or with the school (if it happens at school)?
• At what point do we consider the "experiment" to be over?
• At the end, do we go straight back to the level of supervision he's at now, or will he be held accountable for his actions during the "experiment."