Communication and gaps

There was a very valid comment made about my last post that I wanted to clarify.


Believe me I would never make fun of Bear. This and the last post I did on this topic were not criticism of Bear. I know he is doing his best. In the last post, in one of the e-mail messages written to me, I (very gently I think) did point out his mistaken use of a a few words (atheist instead of athlete), because I wanted him to slow down and think about what he is writing.



I am dyslexic just like my mother, so yes, I know exactly how hard it is to look up a word when you don't know how to spell it. I also know we all make mistakes (I tend to type directly into my Blogger account and often forget to do spell check - I appreciate that no one criticizes my typos). In this case the majority of the mistakes made were not homophones or typos that still spelled words like coach and couch, but that he obviously he ignored the little red line underneath entirely.



On the rare occasion that Bear lets me help him with school work, I work hard to be helpful, not critical. While I'm a perfectionist myself, I try to limit putting any expectations on the kids to only what they are actually capable of, and occasionally challenge them to try to improve on that. I would NEVER make fun of a child to their face, criticize, yell at, or tease my child - or allow anyone else to do so. That's why stupid is a "naughty word" at our house.



I do admit that I try to find the funny/ absurd in things because often if I don't laugh, I'll cry. This blog and when I'm alone with Hubby or Grandma are the few places I share these though. NOT in front of the kids.



I am very proud of Bear for his ability to communicate with others. Sometimes I question his motives, but that doesn't change the fact that his verbal skills are very good. I have to admit this ability to communicate makes me more frustrated with that same lack of communication that he shows us. More on that in another post.



Truthfully, I know the school system is doing their best too. Just like us, they did not make him this way. He moved a LOT as a child. His C-PTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder), untreated (until 2 years ago) bipolar disorder, hyper vigilance, need for quiet to concentrate, short term memory issues, ADD (attention deficit disorder), cerebral dysrhythmia, medication side effects, etc., all make it very difficult for him to learn. There must be MANY gaps in his education. It is possible that he doesn't have learning disabilities. I just find this VERY hard to believe.



Either way, I don't feel that the school system he's in now is trying to fill in those gaps. They seem to be just layering on over the top all the stuff he "has" to learn because of the No Child Left Behind Laws. This is like trying to cover a crumbly, broken cake with icing. Might look good, it might not, but it's still broken and unsturdy. You're not going to be able to keep adding layers without it collapsing.




Do I believe Bear also has learning disabilities? Yes! When Bear first came here they used his testing and assessments from his previous school in rural Nebraska. These are good for three years so the school hasn't assessed him on all subjects. We've demanded asked that he be tested in all subjects now so are hoping to have the results of that in November.

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Hubby came up with a better analogy for the type of education our children are getting. Think of honeycombed layers of rock. Each year there have been gaps in the kids education -concepts the children couldn't or didn't learn. This could be because of brain injuries, ADHD keeping them from focusing, learning disabilities, concepts missed for whatever reason (too truamatized to function and learn, maybe they moved and that concept was taught at a different time, out of school for doctor's appointments or illness), distractions from what's being taught, inability to understand because they don't have the basics.... Each year is layered over the last.

Most times what we learn builds on what came before (you have to know how to do addition before you can understand subraction or multiplication). Sometimes in order to teach the next subject the gap had to be filled in, while other times it might just have been skipped.

There can be huge gaps in our kids education with sink holes waiting to suck them down. Often it seems that the school system is just ignoring the holes and their consequences (Bear passed 8th grade math but failed the state assessment test despite modifications and repeated retesting), or fastening rickety rope bridges over the chasms below instead of trying to fill them up.

One of the things I really liked about the private school that Kitty went to was they went back and tested her over everything. They identified all the gaps, and if she missed a major concept in 3rd grade that effected more and more areas the longer it went unfilled, they didn't send her back to repeat all of 3rd grade, they just taught the one identified missed concept.

She then retested, and didn't have to repeat any concepts that fixing that one missing concept automatically filled. She was starting sixth grade and there were concepts from many years before that she didn't get. They were able to help her advance about 1 1/2 years, almost 2, in about a year. Her learning disabilities made this whole thing more complicated and in the long run the school was unable to help her with those, but I still prefer this method. (If you're interested the program is also available for homeschoolers. It's called ACE (Accelerated Christian Education) and the children work in PACE workbooks. Kitty was able to do these which surprised me since I figured with her ADHD she wouldn't be able to sit still that long.

I really wish this were an option for Bear. Instead, he takes grade level classes that are small group and simplified/ modified. In my opinion when he graduates he will not have a real high school diploma. He will have to go to junior college and be assessed, at which point he will have to take more classes to fill in those gaps.

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Another good analogy (apparently I'm into analogies today!). Substitute 'school' for D.A. and 'education' for case.

Vinny Gambini: The D.A.'s got to build a case. Building a case is like building a house. Each piece of evidence is just another building block. He wants to make a brick bunker of a building. He wants to use serious, solid-looking bricks, like, like these, right? [puts his hand on the wall]

Bill: Right.

Vinny Gambini: Let me show you something. [he holds up a playing card, with the face toward Billy]

Vinny Gambini: He's going to show you the bricks. He'll show you they got straight sides. He'll show you how they got the right shape. He'll show them to you in a very special way, so that they appear to have everything a brick should have. But there's one thing he's not gonna show you. [turns the card, so that its edge is toward Billy]

Vinny Gambini: When you look at the bricks from the right angle, they're as thin as this playing card. His whole case is an illusion, a magic trick. It has to be an illusion, 'cause you're innocent. Nobody - I mean nobody - pulls the wool over the eyes of a Gambini, especially this one. Give me a chance, one chance. Let me question the first witness. If after that point, you don't think that I'm the best man for the job, fire me then and there. I'll leave quietly, no grudges. All I ask is for that one chance. I think you should give it to me.

Quick! What's the name of that movie?!

Please say bad things come in threes

So since I was supposed to take our only car to a networking meeting Thursday night, and Friday was going to be a logistical nightmare with the boys out of school, the girls needing to register at public school, the meeting to review Kitty's assessment results with the new school district, Kitty having meltdown after meltdown, not enough money to cover payroll...

the car breaks down on the way home from Bear's therapy. We had just made a u-turn because I thought I had forgotten to pick up one of Kitty's meds when it died (I realized after it died that I was wrong).

Apparently this was God's way of reminding me that I promised to get more exercise - so we walked home (only a couple of blocks and luckily the park on the way had a bathroom - I had to pee! Stupid males laughed at me when I complained that the seat on the outdoor potty in 40 degree weather was darn cold!).

So Grandma loaned us her car and Poppy helped Hubby tow the dead car to the shop. I missed my meeting, but decided Kitty needed me home anyway.

Today started fairly smoothly. Hubby drove the girls to the private school for their last day (and to finish tests). The boys had the day off so we let them sleep in and then had to talk them into getting ready to go. Why is it shoes go missing on days like these? I had to find 2 pair!

Of course I forgot my phone.

One of our clients who was supposed to make it possible for us to get a decent size check to cover payroll, of course didn't come through.

Kitty's assessment review went pretty well, they were very clear with the new school district that Kitty needs a resouce classroom (small group setting) for pretty much everything and PE would be overwhelming. I don't think they totally agreed, but we have a good starting point for the ARD - which of course is the bad news.

They will schedule an ARD as quickly as possible, but no one recommends Kitty starts school until her schedule is hammered out. So she gets to come to work with us.

I had so much fun filling out all the registration forms, twice. With all their already redundant questions.

Bob had worked so hard to finish her Texas History coursework, and now the public school insists on making her take 2 exams on her first day to prove that she learned it. Even though the private school is accredited. With any luck she'll get to take an extra elective instead.

Hubby and I missed a client meeting to go to the meeting for Kitty.

We had to pay the private school for half this month's tuition for the girls ($500+)

Luckily our car was repaired relatively cheaply ($500+).

Hubby went back to work for a meeting with one of our biggest clients. The client just layed off 14 people and told us that while they love our work, they are canceling the project.

Kitty had at least 3 meltdowns.

Then it got more fun, but this post is long enough.

Going back to public school

Due to financial difficulties, it doesn’t look like we’ll be able to keep our daughters in private school. This means going to public middle school (7th grade) for our 13 year old adopted daughter. I had pulled her from public school 1 ½ years ago because we were informed that going into 6th grade they wanted to mainstream her with a little inclusion help (she had failed the one mainstream class they tried in 5th grade and couldn’t handle the stress of being around her peers, but they insisted they didn’t offer resource rooms in middle school).

Academically she’s working on a 5th grade level. She has learning disabilities, particularly in the area of reading. She tests with an IQ of 76 (although in 3rd grade she tested at 106). She has ODD, PTSD, ADHD (medicated), and depression – probably bipolar and is on meds for it, but is not officially diagnosed. She has attachment issues, but luckily not RAD. She has lived with us 2 years and after 1 ½ years of attachment therapy she is “insecurely” attached. She’s also been in EMDR therapy since July.

Her school assessments, which have to be done every 3 years, “expired” in February. Last year she had a full psych eval done by a private psychologist that may show more issues then they were aware of when she left public school (admittedly I don’t really understand it all). So a new assessment may qualify her for more services, but I’m not even sure what to ask for! We have started the assessment process, so she will be tested while in the private school. Not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. They are “pretty sure” she’ll be labeled emotionally disturbed. Because of the location of her private school she will be assessed by a different school district then she will be attending.

Her private school does not have a special education program and no experience working with IEPs, but she has done pretty well there. There are only 40 children in the whole school (age Pre-K to high school), and her sister is the only other girl in the middle school program this year. Even with the lesser stress at the private school she misses at least 30 minutes a day due to “illnesses” (stomach ache, headache, toothache, dizzy… nothing “really” wrong). She doesn’t have homework unless she doesn’t finish her work. When she does have homework it triggers her ODD and is very hard to get her to complete even though she wants to please her teachers (the ones she doesn’t “hate”). Some days I just take her to work with me and let her do her school work sitting next to me. This can get embarrassing if she’s having an “ODD” day, but I’m the boss so the staff ignore it.

Kitty has major issues with her peers. She is very friendly and makes friends easily, but she doesn’t know what to do next. Her world is completely black and white too. If one friend tells her that another friend did something “mean,” then she immediately HATES the “mean” friend and will spread nasty rumors about them and try to get others to not like them. She will do “anything” for the popular girls in an effort to be popular. She also gets overwhelmed in groups and shows off. She teases and “play fights” and doesn’t understand when it leads to hurt feelings (or worse). Or she gets overwhelmed and shuts down. She has threatened other children (but doesn’t usually follow through – especially at school), and she’ll probably be able to control this at school (saving it for home).

My worry is that we’ll be forced to put her in mainstream classes (which will be academically way over her head) where she will struggle and fall apart, but she probably won’t be aggressive (which is what eventually got her brother into a special school program for emotionally disturbed youth). I worry that she’s high enough functioning not to get put into special classes, but that she’ll stop learning and lose what ground she’s made due to being emotionally overwhelmed. They have a program to help children with behavior issues, but it’s only designed to be a place where the child can leave class until they “get it together” usually a few minutes or a few hours. Her brother ended up being in there all day, but the program was not designed for that and it happened only after the police had to come to the school when he was charged with “terroristic threat.”

I don’t want my daughter to “fall through the cracks” just because she’s not a complete mess. I would love some advice on what to ask for. I know the system and I’m a strong advocate, but I also know the school isn’t going to give me any more services then they have to (as evidenced by her brother), and they won’t voluntarily even tell me what those services are. I kept hoping the money for the private school would come through, but barring a Christmas miracle, we’re going to have to make the best of it

Private School

The girls attend an accredited private school that uses Accelerated Christian Education . The program can be used for homeschooling as well. It does primarily work with a workbook system (although in the older grades some of the lessons can be done with the computer - Bob is doing her Pre-Algebra this way).

All of their learning is done in the workbooks except for PE, chapel and Latin which are done as a class. They've offered things like Drama in the past, but not this year. The children can move at their own pace and everyone can be working on something different. The teachers are there to help the students individually with concepts they are having trouble with.

Even the younger students get Latin. It is a big help when it comes to building vocabulary (you can use root words to figure out words you don't know), and the high school students need 2-3 years of language as part of their curriculum. I admit it doesn't make sense for Kitty, but it is part of credits she needs to be promoted (they have to complete a certain number of books/classes each semester). I am still hoping that they will drop it for her.

You would think that their kids with ADHD and other attention issues would have a major problem with sitting and working on workbooks, but apparently being able to switch subjects often, and breaks and PE is enough - most of the time.

Denise, I love your idea of the obnoxiously colored note in the kitchen. Will have to figure out what I can do that would be noticeable (it's a little cluttered in there) and not instantly covered in milk, mayonnaise, peanut butter...

Still not sure about what to do about public vs private school. I think we have finally decided to approach the local public school and ask them to do a full assessment of Kitty. Once we have a service plan we can decide where to put Kitty. My best guess is that even if the public school offers to put her in an enclosed classroom at first they will be constantly pressuring us to mainstream her - which will not work for her.

Special Education in Private School

So now I'm working on making sure that Kitty is getting what she needs in school. A good friend of mine, Kathy, works as a vision and hearing specialist and she goes to daycares and small schools to test the children. One year when I was working at a private preschool, she noticed that my thyroid didn't look right and warned me to get it tested. She caught what could have been a very serious issue (so far it's not, although I've been delaying getting the nodes tested for cancer because we can't afford the deductible right now).

While testing Kitty's vision, Kathy noticed Kitty's difficulty with reading. Kathy has a son with dyslexia and she called me and strongly suggested I get Kitty tested. Now we've always known Kitty had Learning Disabilities with a focus on reading, but our priority was to get her into a setting where she could function. The public school had told us that when Kitty started 6th grade she would be mainstreamed for all her classes (in elementary school she was only mainstreamed for one class which she failed miserably). We said heck no! 15 minutes of inclusion a week would not be sufficient! Plus, Kitty cannot handle the social aspects of school - it is totally overwhelming for her. A stressed out, overwhelmed child cannot attach to her family and most definitely cannot learn.

So we decided on a very small private school, and it worked. Kitty is able to function and has progressed from being 2 years behind to only one and one-half years. This Summer we wanted to help Kitty catch up even more, so she continued with her school work all Summer (let me tell you this did not make her a happy 'non-' camper!). Her diagnostics revealed that not only did this not help, but she was actually a little further behind! *sigh*

Then Kathy pointed out that while the school was not making Kitty worse (unlike the public school), she wasn't learning what she needed to learn to become successful either. She wasn't learning the "tricks" that I learned to help compensate for my dyslexia. She wasn't learning to spell.

If we hadn't addressed her emotional needs Kitty wouldn't be able to handle or focus on her academic needs, but now it's time to figure out how to get it all. So I'm looking at getting her assessed for bipolar disorder and dyslexia. Neuropsychologist and/or regular - will my insurance pay for both?! The school tested her for learning disabilities 2 years ago in a tiny little town in rural Nebraska, so they feel that their responsibility is over in that respect (until 12/09). I do have calls in to them to find out if we can access any special services based on that testing, and to get copies of her testing. The tiny private school Kitty goes to accepts children with special needs (ADHD, Aspergers...), but they do not have a special education teacher or the wherewithall to get one.

The next question will be what to do with the information. Force the public school system to provide services (will that even be possible without making her attend public school?)? Hire a private tutor or therapist to work with her one on one before or even during school? (I can't even imagine the expense). There are free special programs that work with kids after-school, but she's either too old, or they won't take kids mid-year. There is a special school just for kids with dyslexia, but they aren't sure they can handle her other special needs and cost more a year then it costs to put all 3 kids in private school.

Meanwhile, we have a parent teacher conference with the school next week due to Kitty's poor hygeine (this week she was almost sent home because her shirt smelled "soured" - normally it's body odor). I have to admit I'm a little frustrated with this because they haven't talked to her about it! She thinks we're crazy, and being picky and mean to her when we make her change because her shirt is stained with breakfast (or other mysterious marks), or wear socks with her shoes, or wash her hair with conditioner and shampoo, or wear clothes that have seen the washer since she last wore them.

We will be bringing her to this conference and they will address this with her! I've already got tons of points in the hygeine category of The Meanest Mom competition - they need to handle this. I'll handle the fact that my 6 year old niece won't play with her because she smells and that she has 4 loads of dirty laundry a week, but never has anything to wear.

Squeak!

Pharmacies Part Deux

So I sat around work all day pretending to be doing something when I was really reading other people's blogs! I didn't get a single e-mail and everything I could even try to do I needed our Creative Director for - and he was in meetings ALL day. One of the blogs I found through Postcards from Insanity (http://afostermamaslife.blogspot.com/) was a hilarious blog written by a pharmacist (http://www.sickofstupidpeople.blogspot.com/). After reading her blog I tried very hard to be patient with our pharmacy tonight, but it was tough!!

It was 5:30pm. So when they told me that the p-doc hadn't called in the prescription for Kitty's Trileptal I was very frustrated. The p-doc's receptionist assured me she'd called it in 3 days ago, and they'd been closed for an hour so there was no way to have them do it now. The pharmacist did allow me to get a 3 day supply after I asked.

So then we switched to talking about Bear's Amantadine (the one they gave me a 3 day supply of Provigil for?!). They insisted that they'd filled it on the 17th and therefore we'd only had it for 8 days and couldn't be out since they'd given us a 2 week supply. I insisted that I would be out tomorrow. Finally someone got a code from the insurance company that allowed us to fill the prescription. She laid the bottle on the counter full of the little red pills I needed - all within reach. Then she told me she had no idea how to get a code from Medicaid so the co-pay wasn't covered. It was only $10 so I almost just paid it, but then decided I was going to have to be here tomorrow to pick up Kitty's Trileptal I'd wait and see if they could get the code. Tomorrow I'm going to remember to ask how many pills they gave me. It'd be ironic if they only gave me 14 when I needed 28 or something.

When I got home I was so frustrated that my Mom took pity on me and invited us out to eat. I had a 20% off coupon for IHOP so we loaded up the kids and went (Hubby is teaching scuba tonight, tomorrow night, and this weekend - so I'm single parenting). We got to celebrate the fact that we can finally afford to get the kids back into school!!! Wooo hooo!!! Grandma is ecstatic. She loves the littles, but they were running out of stuff to do and knowing they were about to go back to school anyminute I wouldn't let her buy new workbooks. They start tomorrow. (Photo: Kitty in chapel at HCA last school year)
Here's how I told them as we were sitting in Grandma's van:

Me: "OK girls, put your hands over your mouths." (They both did, sometimes they actually listen!!)

Me: "I have good news and bad news."

Ponito: "Tell them the bad news so the good news will make up for it!"

Me: "Ok, the bad news is you have to find clean socks for tomorrow (a big issue!), because the good news is you start school tomorrow."

Kitty (dropping her hand): "AAAAAHHHHHH!!!!"

Bob: "MMMMMPPPPHHHHH!!!"

Me: "KITTY! That's why I told you to put your hand over your mouth! Take it down a notch!"

Kitty: "Sorry! MMMMPPPPHHHH!!! AMMMMMPPPPPPHHHHH!!! I love you Mom!!"

*sigh* Why can't she love me when I'm not giving her something she wants?

(Photo: Bob and Hubby after Bob wins a medal at HCA last school year)

I was mean Mom again when I wouldn't let Kitty have chocolate chip pancakes (she had to settle for regular), order extra toast (I gave in on this, but it had to be wheat toast - mean mean Mommy!), or order Sprite mixed with orange juice like everyone else because she's allergic to oranges (practically evil Mommy!).

The Meanest Mom in the World

First day of school

Today is Ponito's first day back in public school. He's so excited to be back. He found out he knows most of the kids from years past and baseball three years ago. He gave me a hip hug before we entered the school and then just walked straight into the classroom without looking back. I know it's a good thing that he's so independent, but he's my baby!!

Last year when the girls were supposed to go to middle school, we decided to try out private school instead. We found the perfect school! They take special needs kids (Kitty has learning disbilities, ADHD, and needs emotional support) and support kids that are bright too (Bob has always been an avid reader and very smart, but not very motivated. The new school encouraged her and Ponito to advance). Their teacher is our neighbor across the street and one of my best friends.

In fifth grade, Kitty could barely handle her special education classroom, flunked her only mainstream class, and had become super aggressive and overwhelmed in Summer camp. Bear was also attending the middle school and we didn't want Kitty and Bear to both end up in the same room (Bear had been pulled from regular classes because he was too aggressive and overwhelmed by them). The ACHIEVE room was designed to help kids by providing emotional support. The school had informed me that Kitty would be in all mainstream classes with 15 minutes of inclusion assistance a week - YEAH RIGHT!

The private school has only 40 kids and the younger children got almost one on one attention. Kitty worked at her own pace in her workbooks so there was no one telling her what to do all the time (which helps with her ODD), and the diagnostics assessed exactly what she was missing (gaps) from the years of untreated severe ADHD, multiple moves, and trauma. She started the school year 2 and 1/2 years behind and finished only 1 year behind.

Unfortunately we cannot afford to put the girls in private school right now, and I will not put them back in public school. We've decided to have Grandma homeschool until we can get them back in school. This should be interesting since Grandma triggers Kitty's ODD and has to deal with her meltdowns and beligerance almost daily.

Bear starts school today too. More about Bear and how he ended up in his own special school on another day.

I better get off the computer before Hubby pulls my internet! Last night when I told him I started a blog, he was not very happy. He rued the day he taught me how to use the internet!

Hugs and prayers,
Mary