I took this week off of work to think about my life and what I should be doing with it. Here's what I came up with so far:
1. I had a traumatic childhood - truama with a small t not a capital T, but still tough.
2. I have deliberately chosen a really stressful life.
3. I am depressed - This is one reason why I've been sitting on my tookus at work all day and not getting anything done. After a 2 hour session with my therapist, I have gone to my doctor for an increase in my anti-depressant.
4. I am overwhelmed - I need to find ways to fill my "love tank." I am so drained that I have nothing left to give the kids, Hubby or anyone else.
5. I am not healthy - I need to find ways to get exercise and be active - this is probably contributing to my depression. I'm still searching for time for this one!
6. Hubby and I are not in agreement about my role in our company.
Almost 2 years ago, when we bought the company and I started working there, I saw it as a
company that pretty much ran itself and I could work part to three quarter time - and be able to spend time with the kids who were/are VERY needy. I hated my job and had sales, marketing and some design experience so it made sense.
Within a month though Hubby needed to get out of engineering and came to work at the company too. We always knew the company couldn't support us both, but Hubby planned to work there while he looked for another job and he wanted to help the company expand. He's handling all the finances of the company and we're not sure what would happen if he left. He also works 8-9 hour days so since we drove to work together, I was suddenly stuck at work all day - without enough to do. I was encouraged to work on more areas (making cold calls, doing more marketing and advertising, and other business enticing activities) but discouraged from working on anything relating to design - so I wasn't able to use my creative side. As I became less needed and under more stress, I have shut down more and given away more of my responsibilities. Then I hired an amazing business development specialist who does sales and marketing and is a lot like me (without the depression) -so I became even less needed.
Saturday night Hubby talked to a trusted business friend and they discussed Hubby staying with the company instead of me (we've always assumed Hubby had more marketable skills so would be the better choice for leaving). The friend suggested that Hubby's skills were more needed by the company and maybe he should be the one staying. Our friend also thought he could help me find a job that pays almost double what my last (admittedly low paying) job was paying. Which certainly wouldn't hurt our financial situation (I haven't taken home a paycheck in a year, it has been even longer for Hubby).
I decided to stay home this week to see if I could figure out what was wrong with me and why I couldn't seem to stick with a job. Attachment disorder? Definitely depression.
At my last job when I took some time off, the relief was so strong that I knew the toxic environment was a big part of what was making me miserable. This time I was still depressed. The days weren't so bad (activities and lunch with friends and family), TV, and of course computer time, but almost the minute the kiddoes got home - boom. I shut down more and got irritated with them.
So after therapy, lunch with my dad, a long phone call with my Mom, breakfast with a good friend who has special needs kids and is also bipolar, and plans to change my medications I decided I would be able to get a new job and it could be a good thing. But when Hubby got home he was surprised?! He wanted what was best for me, but now wanted to be the one leaving our company! I'm so confused.
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Troll
A troll nearly ate Torina and she is now hiding under the bridge at a Busy Intersection. Her blog, as a result, is now private and you will need a password to get in. If you are a reader, you can email her at torina.busyintersection at yahoo dot com for access.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Spring Break - No break
Very little arguing and difficulty getting everyone up all week. Tuesday, Bear took his bath and pointedly informed me he was only in there 20 minutes. He didn't want me to make him take baths at night. I saw it as "proof" that it could be done. Now of course he's slowly worked his way back to over an hour. *sigh* Kitty has been happy as a clam with her reduced chores. I've got to admit it's been so much easier.
My dad and step-mom are coming into town tonight and staying with my little sister for 2 weeks. You know those relatives that you want to impress because you feel like they are judging you? These are "those" relatives for me.
My mom got pneumonia last weekend so is still flat on her back. Luckily my step-dad has stepped up to the plate and is watching the kids for us at their house.
This means the kids aren't home making messes, but it also means chores are supposed to be done in the morning before Grandma's or at night. Truthfully neither is really happening. I decided to take today off for a marathon house cleaning session. I left Kitty at Grandma's (smart me!), and the rest of the kids were supposed to help. Didn't really happen. *sigh* I ended up playing the Little Red Hen.
My little sister gave me a bunch of new furniture so I'm trying to rearrange everything. She is sooo different from me. She saved up and bought the exact pieces of furniture she wanted. Brand new expensive stuff. Less then 6 weeks later she decides she doesn't like them after all!
So I have a gorgeous mahogany china cabinet that I have to figure out how to get here because it doesn't fit in my mom's mini van. Three beautiful bar stools, a brand new stainless steel refrigerator (sister wanted one with a water/ice dispenser in front), 2 pretty mahogany dining chairs, a mahogany coffee table and end table, and a dark wood bookshelf.
So I have a gorgeous mahogany china cabinet that I have to figure out how to get here because it doesn't fit in my mom's mini van. Three beautiful bar stools, a brand new stainless steel refrigerator (sister wanted one with a water/ice dispenser in front), 2 pretty mahogany dining chairs, a mahogany coffee table and end table, and a dark wood bookshelf.
My sister's fickle behavior is definitely to my benefit! Too bad she lets her kids and dogs trash most of her furniture. She has beautiful, expensive taste, but most pieces are covered in melted candy or plastic slime, trashed from being jumped on or been chewed by dogs. She just buys new stuff when it's ruined or she's tired of it. My kids trash our furniture too (although I don't "let" them, but I don't have the money to replace it).
So I spent all day scrubbing refrigerators and and kitchen cabinets, and fussing at the kids to get back to work! Almost nothing done. *sigh*
Took Bob and Bear to the eye doctor for a check up. Bear qualifies for Medicaid so he was free! *yeah!* I almost forgot to ask because I'm so used to going to doctors that don't take Medicaid. Unfortunately Bob was not free. I ended up paying over $150 for Bob's new contacts. Not sure how I'm going to cover that. Guess I'm going to have to get creative with the grocery money. Now I just need to find somewhere to fill Bear's glasses prescription. Maybe somewhere that takes our private insurance and Medicaid?! Does that exist? Would be so great if we didn't have to pay for new frames (he doesn't qualify for new frames under our insurance for another year).
Tomorrow I get to finish cleaning. I hope I don't make the whole family insane.
Spring Break - evening of Day 1
Poor Hubby started the day being yelled at by Kitty and Bear, his day didn't get much better. The internet at work was cut off for lack of payment (had to pay to get that back on), more money issues. *sigh* We see the light at the end of the tunnel, but the tunnel is sooo dark and long.
Picked up the kids and headed home. They were bickering as usual. I informed them that chores are going to be done differently. Kitty and Ponito will be sharing dishes on the weekend (so Hubby and I can supervise). That means Bear and Bob will be alternating dishes Monday through Thursday. I informed them there would be other changes too, but didn't go into detail - mostly to protect Kitty's privacy (as much as I could anyway). I also told them that doing their chores in the morning wasn't working so I expected everyone to do tomorrow's chores tonight. This didn't actually happen though. *sigh*
Once home, Hubby made dinner and I reworked the chore chart. I explained how the Star Chart worked to Kitty. She was excited because it meant it was no longer her day to do dishes!
The family ended up watching a movie with my sister and her children (who came over unexpectedly).
No one took a bath,
no one did chores,
but everyone did go to bed almost on time!
Picked up the kids and headed home. They were bickering as usual. I informed them that chores are going to be done differently. Kitty and Ponito will be sharing dishes on the weekend (so Hubby and I can supervise). That means Bear and Bob will be alternating dishes Monday through Thursday. I informed them there would be other changes too, but didn't go into detail - mostly to protect Kitty's privacy (as much as I could anyway). I also told them that doing their chores in the morning wasn't working so I expected everyone to do tomorrow's chores tonight. This didn't actually happen though. *sigh*
Once home, Hubby made dinner and I reworked the chore chart. I explained how the Star Chart worked to Kitty. She was excited because it meant it was no longer her day to do dishes!
The family ended up watching a movie with my sister and her children (who came over unexpectedly).
No one took a bath,
no one did chores,
but everyone did go to bed almost on time!
Spring Break - morning of Day 1
Ominous music!
Monday morning started with the arguing. No one wanted to get up. No one wanted to get dressed. No one wanted to do chores. No one wanted to eat breakfast. Kitty of course was the loudest and most argumentative (we didn't tell her about the star chart until Monday evening). I finally got everyone to do their chores (and Kitty to stop yelling at Hubby).
As usual, Bear got up without too much arguing, and disappeared into the bathroom. I do not know what he does in there for over an hour - nor do I really want to know. We're pretty sure he sleeps in the tub at least part of the time. About a year ago, he accidentally pulled the soap dish off the wall (for the second time) and the tile cracked when we tried to reapply it so we cannot use the shower in there - only the bath. And when I say "we" I mean Bear. No one else will use that bathroom - usually because it smells. The girls use our shower, and Ponito likes my big bathtub.
ONE and A HALF HOURS LATER (after much fussing on our part!) he comes out of the bathroom. Hubby fussed at him. We needed to get to work, and Bear hadn't eaten, gotten dressed, or done any of his chores yet. Everyone else was done.
Bear sat down in the living room and started to sulk. Hubby kept talking. Bear started demanding his "right" to be left alone when he was irritated. Hubby kept talking - trying to figure out what is going on.
Bear's time in the bathroom has gotten beyond ridiculous. He often goes to the bathroom just before we are all about to leave the house and doesn't come out for 45 minutes, of course making us late. Every morning he comes downstairs 2 minutes before the bus is supposed to be there. Half dressed, no shoes, no breakfast and no lunch made. Luckily he takes a special ed bus with only one other child on it, so they wait for him - every day. Talking to him in the morning is a sure way of getting your head bitten off - especially if you ask him a question or criticize him.
Bear of course brought in the kitchen sink to the discussion with Hubby (meaning he brought up irrelevant stuff, not discussed the dishes!). He avoided answering questions, got more irritated, and started accusing Hubby to deflect the conversation. Hubby didn't let it go. This was a long time coming. Bear got even more irritated, and then finally let a few things slip. He admitted to hiding to avoid being with family.
He admitted that he never tells anyone about his personal issues because he can "handle it" himself. He informed us he almost never admitted to having health issues (like hemorrhoids and not sleeping at night) - because doctors said nothing could be done, doctors didn't know what was wrong, doctors would just throw meds at it, he wished doctors didn't even exist, he already told us but we couldn't do anything about it anyway...
Bear told us once, a long time ago that sleeping meds don't work for long with him. We are therefore supposed to "know" that his sleeping meds don't work, even though he's never mentioned it to us. I mentioned to the psychiatrist at the last visit that I thought Bear was having difficulty sleeping, but Bear denied it. He also doesn't bother to tell us that he is only sleeping for 5 hours a night because, his Grandpa only sleeps for 5 hours so Bear has decided this is his "normal." And there is nothing we could do about it anyway... We informed Bear it is NOT normal for a teenage boy to only sleep 5 hours a night. He is not an ill old man. While we agree that not everyone needs the same amount of sleep, he obviously NEEDS more!
For over a year, Bear hasn't told us he needs treatment for his hemorrhoids, because treatments "didn't work" when he tried it for 2 whole weeks while in residential treatment. Hubby told him that hemorrhoids most certainly can be treated, with surgery if necessary, but are caused by stress and anxiety- which Bear has a lot of, and doesn't deal with at all.
Bear admitted that he doesn't talk about his personal issues with anyone. He's "dealing with it" all by himself. He feels that unless someone went through exactly what he's been through then they can't help him. Therefore his therapist and Hubby and I are just irritating him because we always ask him questions. *sigh* Of course we ask him questions because he doesn't volunteer information! We also warned him, again, that he needs to stop talking to his friends about his issues. They are NOT equipped to handle them. Hubby pointed out that Bear's hemorrhoids are indicating that Bear is NOT "dealing with it."
While off on a tangent, Bear told Hubby that he's mad because Hubby doesn't spend enough time with Bear. For example, Bear has done all the book work to get his scuba certification (Hubby is a scuba instructor), but Hubby has never taken him for the pool work required to actually get certified. Hubby said this has been bothering him for a long time, but he hasn't wanted to certify Bear. Partly because Hubby sees this as his alone time (although he hasn't done any recreational diving in a year), but mostly because he can't trust Bear to tell him if Bear is hurt or something is wrong. This may have gotten through to Bear.
To get Bear to open up at all required a lot of persistence on Hubby's part. It's like poking a bear (pun intended - and one reason why I chose "Bear" for his screen name). Bear did a lot of growling and some yelling although no physical violence. During this ONE and a HALF hour conversation!, I hung around nearby (cleaning), but let Hubby handle the discussion. Partly to support Hubby, partly to hear Bear's responses so I wouldn't have to rely on Hubby to remember everything to tell me later.
At one point I went upstairs to check on the other kids. They were in the playroom watching Bob play PS2. This weekend I had finally told Kitty that she was no longer allowed to play with her Bratz dolls with Bob. I informed her that the dolls had "issues" and it was not fair or healthy for Bob to have to attend Kitty's "play therapy." Kitty argued a little that her dolls' issues with things like fire starting (*EEK!*) were not her own issues, but I was adamant. I told her I would be happy to play dolls with her. She chose instead to give all her dolls to Bob since Kitty was "outgrowing" them anyway. Bob was supposed to move all the dolls to her room. I had also informed the girls that all dolls with missing body parts that for some reason they were storing in an old fish tank had to be trashed. Also all the dolls they had colored with markers (alien dolls?) needed to go in the trash too.
I suggested the kids clean the playroom since they had nothing better to do, but that went over like a lead balloon as you can well imagine. The kids could of course hear the "conversation" going on downstairs. Kitty was a little distraught. She mentioned that Bear was working his way back up to residential treatment. I briefly reassured her that it was nothing like that. He is allowed to get upset (first time in the almost 1 1/2 year since he's been home from RT). I doubt she believed me though.
Finally Hubby and Bear wound down and we could leave, but it was now time for lunch! So much for getting everyone to Grandma's by 9am. *sigh*
Monday morning started with the arguing. No one wanted to get up. No one wanted to get dressed. No one wanted to do chores. No one wanted to eat breakfast. Kitty of course was the loudest and most argumentative (we didn't tell her about the star chart until Monday evening). I finally got everyone to do their chores (and Kitty to stop yelling at Hubby).
As usual, Bear got up without too much arguing, and disappeared into the bathroom. I do not know what he does in there for over an hour - nor do I really want to know. We're pretty sure he sleeps in the tub at least part of the time. About a year ago, he accidentally pulled the soap dish off the wall (for the second time) and the tile cracked when we tried to reapply it so we cannot use the shower in there - only the bath. And when I say "we" I mean Bear. No one else will use that bathroom - usually because it smells. The girls use our shower, and Ponito likes my big bathtub.
ONE and A HALF HOURS LATER (after much fussing on our part!) he comes out of the bathroom. Hubby fussed at him. We needed to get to work, and Bear hadn't eaten, gotten dressed, or done any of his chores yet. Everyone else was done.
Bear sat down in the living room and started to sulk. Hubby kept talking. Bear started demanding his "right" to be left alone when he was irritated. Hubby kept talking - trying to figure out what is going on.
Bear's time in the bathroom has gotten beyond ridiculous. He often goes to the bathroom just before we are all about to leave the house and doesn't come out for 45 minutes, of course making us late. Every morning he comes downstairs 2 minutes before the bus is supposed to be there. Half dressed, no shoes, no breakfast and no lunch made. Luckily he takes a special ed bus with only one other child on it, so they wait for him - every day. Talking to him in the morning is a sure way of getting your head bitten off - especially if you ask him a question or criticize him.
Bear of course brought in the kitchen sink to the discussion with Hubby (meaning he brought up irrelevant stuff, not discussed the dishes!). He avoided answering questions, got more irritated, and started accusing Hubby to deflect the conversation. Hubby didn't let it go. This was a long time coming. Bear got even more irritated, and then finally let a few things slip. He admitted to hiding to avoid being with family.
He admitted that he never tells anyone about his personal issues because he can "handle it" himself. He informed us he almost never admitted to having health issues (like hemorrhoids and not sleeping at night) - because doctors said nothing could be done, doctors didn't know what was wrong, doctors would just throw meds at it, he wished doctors didn't even exist, he already told us but we couldn't do anything about it anyway...
Bear told us once, a long time ago that sleeping meds don't work for long with him. We are therefore supposed to "know" that his sleeping meds don't work, even though he's never mentioned it to us. I mentioned to the psychiatrist at the last visit that I thought Bear was having difficulty sleeping, but Bear denied it. He also doesn't bother to tell us that he is only sleeping for 5 hours a night because, his Grandpa only sleeps for 5 hours so Bear has decided this is his "normal." And there is nothing we could do about it anyway... We informed Bear it is NOT normal for a teenage boy to only sleep 5 hours a night. He is not an ill old man. While we agree that not everyone needs the same amount of sleep, he obviously NEEDS more!
For over a year, Bear hasn't told us he needs treatment for his hemorrhoids, because treatments "didn't work" when he tried it for 2 whole weeks while in residential treatment. Hubby told him that hemorrhoids most certainly can be treated, with surgery if necessary, but are caused by stress and anxiety- which Bear has a lot of, and doesn't deal with at all.
Bear admitted that he doesn't talk about his personal issues with anyone. He's "dealing with it" all by himself. He feels that unless someone went through exactly what he's been through then they can't help him. Therefore his therapist and Hubby and I are just irritating him because we always ask him questions. *sigh* Of course we ask him questions because he doesn't volunteer information! We also warned him, again, that he needs to stop talking to his friends about his issues. They are NOT equipped to handle them. Hubby pointed out that Bear's hemorrhoids are indicating that Bear is NOT "dealing with it."
While off on a tangent, Bear told Hubby that he's mad because Hubby doesn't spend enough time with Bear. For example, Bear has done all the book work to get his scuba certification (Hubby is a scuba instructor), but Hubby has never taken him for the pool work required to actually get certified. Hubby said this has been bothering him for a long time, but he hasn't wanted to certify Bear. Partly because Hubby sees this as his alone time (although he hasn't done any recreational diving in a year), but mostly because he can't trust Bear to tell him if Bear is hurt or something is wrong. This may have gotten through to Bear.
To get Bear to open up at all required a lot of persistence on Hubby's part. It's like poking a bear (pun intended - and one reason why I chose "Bear" for his screen name). Bear did a lot of growling and some yelling although no physical violence. During this ONE and a HALF hour conversation!, I hung around nearby (cleaning), but let Hubby handle the discussion. Partly to support Hubby, partly to hear Bear's responses so I wouldn't have to rely on Hubby to remember everything to tell me later.
At one point I went upstairs to check on the other kids. They were in the playroom watching Bob play PS2. This weekend I had finally told Kitty that she was no longer allowed to play with her Bratz dolls with Bob. I informed her that the dolls had "issues" and it was not fair or healthy for Bob to have to attend Kitty's "play therapy." Kitty argued a little that her dolls' issues with things like fire starting (*EEK!*) were not her own issues, but I was adamant. I told her I would be happy to play dolls with her. She chose instead to give all her dolls to Bob since Kitty was "outgrowing" them anyway. Bob was supposed to move all the dolls to her room. I had also informed the girls that all dolls with missing body parts that for some reason they were storing in an old fish tank had to be trashed. Also all the dolls they had colored with markers (alien dolls?) needed to go in the trash too.
I suggested the kids clean the playroom since they had nothing better to do, but that went over like a lead balloon as you can well imagine. The kids could of course hear the "conversation" going on downstairs. Kitty was a little distraught. She mentioned that Bear was working his way back up to residential treatment. I briefly reassured her that it was nothing like that. He is allowed to get upset (first time in the almost 1 1/2 year since he's been home from RT). I doubt she believed me though.
Finally Hubby and Bear wound down and we could leave, but it was now time for lunch! So much for getting everyone to Grandma's by 9am. *sigh*
Star Chart
Kitty's behavior has been worsening, and now that Grandma has pneumonia (*eek!*) she is of course even less able to keep up with my girl. Spring Break loomed ahead as pure torture for all.
I decided to try something new and less threatening with Kitty, in a way that might not make all the other children hate her or her feel she won. I decided to take a step back with her and try a star chart. I found a great site with free printable, customizable charts that was easy to use and worked perfectly - http://www.dltk-cards.com/chart/
If she is operating well on the star chart then we will completely remove the FAIR Club as an option for her (threat of the FAIR Club, as well as actually being put in it) are HUGE triggers for her.
She will have almost no chores. She will only wash dishes (big trigger) on the weekend so that Hubby and I can supervise and Grandma is left out of it. We also decided that she and Ponito could do the dishes together as she seems to work better with company. She will no longer clean anything but her own room. She will still have to put her laundry away, but she will not have to wash it (just bring it downstairs).
So her chart has 3 categories.
1. Respectful Attitude
2. Chores completed with only one reminder (we'll work up to being completed well)
3. Talk to parents about feelings (this includes the 5 minute conversations with Dad she's supposed to be doing every night).
She thinks star charts are babyish, but likes the fewer chores. The reduction in allowance irritated her, but I combined it with telling her that I was not going to make her finish paying me back for some money she'd borrowed.
Spring Break means that the kids have no school all week, but Hubby and I still need to work. My mom's pneumonia means that Poppy (her husband) is really watching the kids (and her). We've been dropping the kids off at her house every morning so chores have to be done before everyone leaves. This led to an explosion yesterday for once it involved BEAR!
I decided to try something new and less threatening with Kitty, in a way that might not make all the other children hate her or her feel she won. I decided to take a step back with her and try a star chart. I found a great site with free printable, customizable charts that was easy to use and worked perfectly - http://www.dltk-cards.com/chart/
If she is operating well on the star chart then we will completely remove the FAIR Club as an option for her (threat of the FAIR Club, as well as actually being put in it) are HUGE triggers for her.
She will have almost no chores. She will only wash dishes (big trigger) on the weekend so that Hubby and I can supervise and Grandma is left out of it. We also decided that she and Ponito could do the dishes together as she seems to work better with company. She will no longer clean anything but her own room. She will still have to put her laundry away, but she will not have to wash it (just bring it downstairs).
So her chart has 3 categories.
1. Respectful Attitude
2. Chores completed with only one reminder (we'll work up to being completed well)
3. Talk to parents about feelings (this includes the 5 minute conversations with Dad she's supposed to be doing every night).
She thinks star charts are babyish, but likes the fewer chores. The reduction in allowance irritated her, but I combined it with telling her that I was not going to make her finish paying me back for some money she'd borrowed.
Spring Break means that the kids have no school all week, but Hubby and I still need to work. My mom's pneumonia means that Poppy (her husband) is really watching the kids (and her). We've been dropping the kids off at her house every morning so chores have to be done before everyone leaves. This led to an explosion yesterday for once it involved BEAR!
Lost internet
My internet keeps going in and out so I've been unable to keep up. I've been reading blogs, but not finding time to post. How do you guys do it? Google reader is great, but you have to click on the blog to post a comment, and I don't always do that.
Next post will be about our fabulous Spring Break experiences! Enjoy the drama!
Next post will be about our fabulous Spring Break experiences! Enjoy the drama!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)