Spring Break H*ll

Monday was horrible because of the cleaning issues. Kitty melted down the whole day. Ponito got mouthy and/or hid. Bob was actually pretty helpful (and was rewarded with books). Bear disappeared for most of the time.

Tuesday is historically a light cleaning day because Kitty has therapy in the evenings so doesn't have time for chores (and I'm with her so couldn't supervise). This week Poppy took the boys so they could garden at the grandparent's house and to the duck pond to feed the ducks (Ponito went fishing, but Bear is old enough to need a fishing license. He tried to get Ponito to pay for it, but Hubby and I nixed that idea. We don't like the kids to loan each other money and Bear has no way to pay Ponito back. He'd offered to do Ponito's chores, but a lot of Ponito's chores are in areas Bear is not allowed in (like the Master bath) and Bear has enough chores of his own to not do.

This Tuesday Kitty had a psychiatrist appointment in the morning and afterward I talked to financial services lady about getting SSI for Bear when he becomes an "adult." Long meeting and we're meeting again next week. Afterward I took Kitty and Bob bra shopping (they've grown - Bob - and shrunk - Kitty! and now wear the same size *yea?!* which is not a standard size carried in most stores. *boo!* So after hours of shopping we came home empty handed. *phbbt!*).

Wednesday was Bear's turn at the p-doc, but he couldn't get out of bed in time so we had to reschedule. We were supposed to meet with his casemanager and skills trainer right after the appointment to discuss his transition to adult services (he turns 18 in July) so we had to go anyway. Then that afternoon we went back for his p-doc appointment (we were lucky to get a cancellation for the same day), and while we were there we met with his potential adult casemanager, who completely confused us (she said that since he was still in high school he would stay with the Child and Youth services for another year - which is the exact opposite of what we'd been told that morning). So back to Child and Youth department to get that officially confirmed or denied... Well they've got 4 months to figure it out I guess.

Today/ Thursday is a "heavy chores" day (normally we do volunteer work with the horse therapy place on Wednesdays so it's a light day).

By the way today has SUCKED almost as much as Monday (worse in some ways).

1. Kitty had bathroom chores – but she actually didn’t melt down “as much” as Monday, even though no one helped her. Even after I made her scrub the mold in the shower with a toothbrush, and sent her back a dozen times to actually clean the toilet and surrounding area. In our house we all share the master bathroom because the kids' bathroom stinks (Bear is the only one who uses it and he can be pretty disgusting for a kid who spends hours in the bathtub). I did try "prescribing" - telling her to have her tantrum first, get it out of the way, before I started critiquing her chores. She started to have a fit a little later and I stepped back and said, "Oh, ok, you're going to have your fit now? Go ahead." She didn't do it. I acted disappointed. She doesn't have ODD so it always surprises me when this works. I've got to remember to try it more often.


2. Bob’s definition of clean and mine are dramatically different (I know this shocks you! Brace yourself it gets worse), and she whined, sneaked and just plain ignored me a lot of the day, but she did get most of her chores done right and she didn’t get nasty about it (we actually had some laughs - she was dusting an artificial tree with big leaves and doing a pretty poor job of it. I kept finding leaves that hadn't been dusted - every single time she said she was done, so I'd try to write "Hi" on the leaf before she could swipe it with the duster).


3. Bear. *sigh* His chore was his room. Which was pretty clean. Except I made the mistake of asking him what the whitish spots all over his rug, floor mat and walls were. He admitted it was spit, and claimed he couldn't get it off. I gave him some cleaner and a brush, but he chose to do something to his rug outside with the hose (I try not to think about the carpet). I told him I also wanted him to scrub the black spots off the stairs (vacuum stairs and upstairs hall were one of his chores today) and he had a minor meltdown (I’m “perfect” and I want him to be “perfect” like me, and it’s not his job, and he’s NOT going to do it…). I told him the same thing I tell Kitty, “if it’s not your job, whose is it?” and “It’s your choice not to do your chore” – no threat, just left it open ended). He did the chore... after a lot of yelling, intimidating, pouting and insults. In a minute I have to get up and inspect it. *yuck*


4. Ponito. *deeper sigh* Where do I start? Well the highlight of my day was when he squirted me in the face with cleaning solution (he thought the nozzle was closed, but it was still done in anger), and then hid and refused to answer me when I repeatedly called him (I didn’t find him for almost an hour, but admittedly I didn’t look for the first 15 minutes after I washed my face. He was glad I wasn't hurt and he did sincerely apologize).

Yea, I’m REALLY popular right now, but on the bright side, I got all the green eggs with asparagus and spinach/ cheddar biscuits to myself!

When is "vacation" over so I can get some rest?!

Spring Break Cleaning

I think I've mentioned that our kids have pretty extensive chore charts. They look even more elaborate than they are because we've broken down all the tasks into smaller tasks. Some days kids have therapy or have requested almost no chores on the weekend. I try to avoid blank spots (so others don't complain that someone has fewer chores than they do) and if you notice they're lots of "Hug parents" as fillers.

Bear (17) still owes about $100 for property damage and theft so he is on "double chores." Which means he can earn up to $2/day with a possible extra dollar for attitude. (We realized since he only did about half his chores, at the rate he was going he'd still owe us money when he was 50 so we doubled it. Now he still does half his chores, but that's twice as much!).

Ponito (12) has full chores, which means he can earn $1/day (with the extra $1 for attitude). Lately he's been lying about completing his chores (rerunning the dishwasher with the same dishes, claiming he cleaned something when he didn't actually do anything...).

Bob (14) is on 3/4 chores because she has so much homework.

Kitty (16) is on 1/2 chores, because that's all she can handle. Chores are a major trauma trigger for her.

Hubby has been checking the chores for the last few weeks because it had become a MAJOR issue for me (Ponito's lying, Kitty's meltdowns, Bear and Bob's defiance, everybody's general laziness as to what constitutes "complete" chores... trigger my own issues. The kids are not allowed to watch TV or play with anything electronic (computer, Gameboy, Playstation...) until all chores are done and checked. Now that I no longer check chores, this means they have to wait till Hubby gets home at 6:30pm. This has been tough on them, but no one has suggested I take back over! *grin*

Hubby had threatened that they would have to do extra chores over Spring Break, but told them yesterday that they were off the hook. No extra chores. Just their regular chores... done to MOM's standards. They all thought this would be easy, but it's almost 3pm and they're still cleaning.

Actually most of the kids had finished their chores. All but Kitty. Her chore was the playroom. Which is rarely used, but Kitty has been giving it less than a lick and a promise for months and months and it had become a HUGE undertaking, even though I've enforced a cleaning/ decluttering about every 6 months.

Here's some of the things they've removed:

• An empty fish tank full of naked Bratz dolls with missing limbs and shaved heads


• School notebooks from 5th grade (the child in question is now in 9th grade)


• Winnie the Pooh and Rescue Heroes VHS tapes


• A trash bag full of candy wrappers, Christmas wrapping paper, beads, colored coloring pages...


• A lot of broken toys, DVDs, tools, cups, socks, hair bows..

I'm not a perfectionist, but I think you all would agree that their definition of clean is not the norm. Normally I'd insert a picture here, but my network is down and I can't access one. *pout*

Please just use your imagination. Or maybe you shouldn't. If I go missing, please interrogate my kids.

I seriously need to get my World's Meanest Mom badge made.

True Partnership?

76 Questions on How to Tell If Your Marriage or Relationship is a True Partnership

It's time to discover the amazing (and sometimes warping) effects of perception. Some spouses think they are helping out when in reality, they are merely delusional. For instance, one man told his wife he absolutely washed the dishes, because one time he actually did.

So if you are ready to find out who performs the most household chores, here are the questions (by the way, if you cleaned a toilet only once or twice it doesn't count). Respond ONLY to questions that apply to you and your spouse or child(ren).

Record H for husband, W for wife, C for child (if more than one, record as C - all 4, C1 - Bear, C2 - Kitty, C3 - Bob, C4 - Ponito.), N for nobody, and D for does not apply. This quiz will also help children who think their parents work them to death - they can see in black and white who actually does the most work:

General Household Tasks

1. Who takes out the garbage? C1

2. Who separates the laundry? W (C do own laundry, but do not separate it)

3. Who puts the laundry into the washer? H, W (C)

4. Who puts the laundry into the dryer? W and C (Sometimes. Sometimes they start it and walk away or refuse to switch over laundry because they'd have to touch someone else's clothing). If it's gone sour then definitely only W. H will do it if asked.

5. Who hauls the laundry up and downstairs to and from the laundry room? H and W. C1 and C4. C2 only under when forced. (Bob's room is downstairs)

6. Who hangs up the clothes? W (C don't hang up clothes except maybe C1)

7. Who folds the clothes? W (C never fold clothes)

8. Who puts the clothes away? W (C 1 and 4 if reminded. C3 claims she doesn't have enough room in her drawers. C2 "would rather die" - she lives out of basket and leaves them all over the house. If forced to put them away she just dumps everything in drawers - even dish rags and sibling's clothes).

9. Who dusts? N (rarely W. C are supposed to do the rooms they are responsible for)

10. Who vacuums? N or Grandma (C do the rooms they are responsible for - except C2 who "would rather die")

11. Who washes the floors? C

12. Who cleans the toilets? C (unless it’s overflowing in which case H or W)

13. Who cleans the counters? W or C and Grandma

14. Who cleans the sink(s)? C and Grandma occasionally W

15. Who cleans the tub(s)? C4 (C1 is supposed to clean his bathtub, but I doubt it happens).

16. Who cleans out the refrigerator? I think it's currently C1's job to clean inside and garage fridges. W decides when to throw out leftovers.

17. Who cleans the stove? W

18. Who polishes the furniture? N

19. Who does the gift shopping? W

20. Who does the grocery shopping? W with C dragged along sometimes

21. Who carries in the groceries? W takes in a load and then H and C when home.

22. Who puts the groceries away? W unless she forces others to do it.

23. Who prepares indoor meals for the family? W unless we're at Grandma's

24. Who barbecues meals? N, C1 or H (we deliberately haven't bought a new bottle of propane because C1 likes to cook, but charcoals everything.

25. Who washes the dishes? C, Grandma (almost never W)

26. Who puts the dishes away? C, Grandma (kids empty dishwasher then fill it when it's their turn for dishes).

27. Who picks up the dry cleaning? N (used to be W)

28. Who straightens up every day messes? W or Grandma, C when forced or if it is a room they are responsible for that day.

29. Who pays the bills? H (W sometimes pays the bills, but only when W tells her exactly what to pay, when, and to whom).

30. Who picks up prescriptions at the pharmacy? W or H

31. Who handles phone calls to bill collectors, etc.? H (W won't even answer the phone)

32. Who works full time outside the home? H (technically W is not full-time at any one job)

33. Who fills the car with gas? H or W (depending who drives the car).

34. Who takes the car in for repairs? H


Families With Children

35. Who does the clothes shopping for the kids? W

36. Who does the shoe shopping for the kids? W

37. Who gets the kids up in the morning? H or W

38. Who makes sure the kids' teeth are brushed? N (although sometimes W will comment on the disgustingness of their teeth and tells them to brush)

39. Who combs and brushes the kids' hair? C (although sometimes W brushes C2 - when it's tangled and C2 asks her to). W tells C to do it if needed.

40. Who dresses the kids? C (W sends them back when dirty or inappropriate)

41. Who cuts the food for small children? N

42. Who cleans up kids' meal messes three times a day? C, Grandma, N

43. Who gets the kids to softball (football, dance recitals, etc.) practice? H and W

44. Who stays and watches the games/recitals? Whole family.

45. Who takes the kids to the doctor? W

46. Who bathes the children? N (W sends them back when dirty or smell cause H can’t smell)

47. Who cuddles with the kids? W or H (depends on the child)

48. Who changes the baby's diapers? D - W or H used to (W deals with C2's pull-ups and now Kotex)

49. Who puts the kids to bed at night? C, H, and W

50. Who spends quality one-on-one time with each child? Mostly N except in therapy (H and W depending on child)

51. Who drives or walks the kids to daycare (Grandma’s)? H or W depending

52. Who disciplines the children? W usually decides need it and think it up. H enforces.

53. Who takes the kids to the dentist or doctor? W

54. Who schedules kids appointments? W

55. Who takes the kids to the hairdresser or barber? mostly W (W cuts the hair of C1 and C4 sometimes)

56. Who attends kids' school open houses, ARDS/IEP meetings? H and W

57. Who goes to parent-teacher interviews? H and W

58. Who restrains the out of control child? H and W

59. Who emotionally regulates traumatized child? Mostly W



Spouses With Houses

60. Who mows the lawn? H and Poppy (W's step-dad). (C1 used to)

61. Who rakes the leaves? N

62. Who waters the lawn? H

63. Who cleans the gutters? N

64. Who shovels the snow? D

65. Who takes care of landscaping/gardening? Grandma

66. Who cleans out the garage? W (C n H when directed)

67. Who paints the walls? W (although C3 is currently painting her bedroom walls)

68. Who cleans the windows outside? C

69. Who refills the water softener? H

Families With Animals

70. Who cleans out the kitty litter box? C2 and C4

71. Who walks the dog? C

72. Who bathes the dog? W and C

73. Who clips the mats and trims the pet fur? W and Grandma

74. Who feeds the animals? C1 and C2 (C4 used to do it), H and W

75. Who cleans out the cages of smaller animals or birds? Was W now D

76. Who takes the animals to the vet? W and Grandma

Figuring the results for this quiz is fairly simple. Count the questions that applied to all of you (husband, wife, child). Tally up the marks for H and for W (and C if necessary). Compare your number of initialed answers to your spouse's number of initialed answers. To find out the percentage of how many more tasks you complete than does your spouse, divide the numbers like this: say only 40 total questions applied to you and your spouse. You answered 30 with your initial and your spouse answered 10 with a spouse initial. 30 (the number of your initials) divided by 40 (the number of questions that applied to both of you) equals 75%. 10 divided by 40 equals 25%. These results are clearly not equal. If your quiz results are similar (or worse), why not sit down with your partner and discuss equality in relationships.An interesting benefit to taking this quiz is discovering your spouse's perceptions. Maybe this quiz will open the door to discussion and to a more equal partnership. One more thing: if you discover your children are carrying the burden of performing household tasks, consider either rewarding them or helping them if you are not already doing so.

Should have known better

I should have known better than to say things are doing well! Actually even though I bragged about Kitty in therapy today and how well she's handling chores, after which she had a minor meltdown because I'm "picky and evil" when it comes to making the kids do chores completely and at least semi-well, she didn't have a total meltdown. Just a minor one, which she was able to recover from without me.

When she was obviously going to continue to escalate and yell at me and not get her chores done, I told her to go outside and walk, but she pointed out it was too cold, so I suggested she go to her room - and she did! She stormed and slammed, but then came back down a little while later. Very calm, and she hugged me and apologized. Then accepted correction and finished chores!!! Did you read that? She accepted more "criticism" and finished the chores!

All in all a great accomplishment.

The girls have to have $20 cards to start service for their new cell phones. Grandma (who is wonderful) told them that if they helped paint the garage this afternoon she would pay them $20. Grandma thought all the kids had new phones instead of just the girls and had divided the garage into 4 parts (it's a big garage). Ponito said he'd rather go play at a neighbor's house and he didn't want the money. Bear of course did, but I don't want Bear to have money, plus he still owes me about 14 hours of "community service" so I told him he needed to help, but his time would go toward his community service.

Bear said he had something to spend his money on (Christmas presents for an unspecified someone). I reminded him that he couldn't earn extra money until his debts were paid. (I don't have a lot of sympathy for him at this point - he could have easily finished these community service hours months ago). Bear said he was busy taking down the outside Christmas decorations when I called the kids to start painting. I told him I wanted him to do the painting instead, and that's when he said something rude (I don't even remember what it was - something along the lines of, "I don't care what you want.").

Bear'd said something similar yesterday on his way out the door with Grandma and the other kids to go play at the park and go to the zoo with Grandma and Poppy and I let him get away with it. It wasn't until I was telling Hubby and he asked me why I let him go that I suddenly realized he was right (not always on the ball am I? Oh well.). So today I instantly started putting my shoes and coat on, told Bear (who'd walked back in the house and into another room -completely ignoring me) to grab something to read (he didn't). He didn't say a word or ask any questions, he just got in the car. In the way back seat (I didn't realized he'd already been heading there until I'd said something).

Cold silence all the way to work. Bear walked in (held the door for me?!), walked into the unlit conference room and lay down. I walked on and found Hubby. Told him what was going on, including a conversation with Kitty in therapy that morning (see next post) and left. On my way out Hubby was already heading to Bear to have a conversation (apparently lasted about an hour, but Bear was pretty monosyllabic.

When Hubby and Bear got home that evening Bear gave me a hug and said he was sorry. That was fine. I hate letting Hubby decide what discipline to use though, because Bear was then allowed to get on the computer where he sat for almost 2 hours (limit is 45 minutes), and Hubby didn't do anthing. I reminded Bear (and Hubby) several times, but Bear claimed he had to finish a project for ROTC that was due when school started. Bear has put off doing his evening chores to work on the computer (longer than time allowed) about 3 days in a row. Last couple of nights he hasn't done his load of dishes at all. Tonight he was finished about 10 minutes after bedtime.

Thankful Thursday

We had an ARD (What Texas calls an IEP meeting) this week for Kitty. Used to the usual battles, I was armed with her latest neuropsych report. Kitty is my quiet, compliant RAD child. She saves all the drama for home.



Kitty take what they call a "Class within a class." This means that she is in the general ed/ mainstream class, but her assignments come from a resource room teacher, and she can be pulled out if she needs individual instruction or is feeling overwhelmed. One of her mainstream teachers who was present said she is quiet and compliant and a joy to have in class. If he didn't know she was in special ed he'd never believe it. My heart began thumping. This is when people start talking about mainstreaming her.

Not this time! Everyone was totally on board with keeping her where she is for the rest of the year and possibly on into high school. Makes me wonder what she is showing at school. No one talked about any behavior issues of course, but they obviously are seeing something besides just her learning disabilities. This is a good thing.

One thing we did hear this time that Hubby and I had been discussing a lot recently, is that when our kids graduate it seemed like they would not have a "real" diploma. This was finally confirmed at this meeting. I can't believe Bear is half way through high school and we're just now hearing this. We were told that our child in these type of special classes wants to go to college then they will be expected to attend junior college or community college and take placement tests that will most likely have them taking catch up courses before being able to move along to college material.

Does anyone else have a problem with this? "Free appropriate public education" that will not be giving them a complete education, so that we have to pay for additional classes in junior college. That stinks! Plus, Bear thinks he's getting As and Bs and going to the Naval Academy. Not that I'm saying I want to discourage him from trying, but it would have been nice if we at least had known. We definitely would be making a bigger stink about him going to Summer School and getting more free education. Maybe he would have bothered with trying.

Speaking of math... we sent Bear to Summer School because despite his having made As and Bs in math during the school year he failed the TAKS test (Texas Assessment of Knowledge and Skills). This last school year wasn't a key year so it didn't matter that he failed. He knew this, that's why he didn't bother trying or even showing up.

Now Bear is failing math. He could potentially be kicked out of JROTC. His math teacher and his ROTC officer are both thinking he needs a tutor. Aargh! Makes me so mad I could spit! **imagine this said with clenched teeth and a slight Texas drawl**

Yet another reason for him to stay after school I bet. He's already avoiding the house because the family is here. Kitty is having more frequent meltdowns (luckily still relatively minor), which upsets him even more.

Oh wait! This is supposed to be Thankful Thursday and there's 9 more minutes of Thursday left. Ummmm... oh I know! Bear came home on the bus today even though he didn't want to! He'd argued with me the night before, but apparently accepted my decision.

The kids are complying with some of their chores. Grandma got home from New Jersey on Tuesday night. Now she has stomach flu or something (just like poor Kitty had, but she couldn't have gotten it from Kitty so I'm sure she caught it on the plane). Doing afterschool on my own is not easy, but it means the kids are more likely to do their own chores. I understand why Grandma does this (she knows if they get too far behind it will be almost impossible to catch up), but it means the kids don't have the opportunity to have to get the chores done.

The TV actually stayed off until almost 7pm today because I was there to enforce that it couldn't go on until most of them had their chores done and I kept dragging them back to have them finish chores. Bob is giving me the most trouble because unlike my passive aggressive kids who quietly try to sneak it past me, she will get in my face and refuse to do it. I hate not being able to enforce the rules with her.

I do give Bob some leeway because she does have hours of homework that the other kids do not have, but the blatant disrespect makes it really hard to "hide" that I'm not enforcing the chores for her. The other kids see her refusals and do it too. I know that is a big part of why Kitty had a mini meltdown about doing her chores tonight. *sigh*

Ask Heloise

Do I look like Ask Heloise to you?

Why is everything involving cleaning/ organizing, cooking, children, assigning chores and the enforcement thereof, medical/medicine, pets, shopping (clothes, groceries, household items kid stuff...), social events, church, school, determining family rules and what any discipline should be - and most of the time enforcing it... my responsibility?!

Hubby is very responsible about his duties. At his request I have left up to him the running of financial side of our company and our home (silly man thinks that just because I'm dyslexic I can't handle accounting). Oh and taking out the trash, and most of the stuff on his side of the garage (although if the kids take tools or hide anything then it's my responsiblity to find, return and reprimand), occasionally washing dishes (my least favorite chore in the whole world that I usually leave to the children), and dispensing meds (most of the time although I'm usually the one that organizes med boxes).

He probably does more, or I need to do less, but still, it can be very irritating. I mostly work a full-time job too!

A week or so ago, Lord Fluffy aka Itty Bitty Kitty (it's a joke now since he weighs 15lbs, but he used to be tiny!), decided the litter box wasn't clean enough for him (probably true). So he found other places to pee. Hubby's unused treadmill, in front of one of the doors that we now keep closed because we don't want him hiding under our bed, and on the pool table cover that is supposed to always be kept on the pool table if its not in use (which of course hardly ever happens!). So it's my job to clean. And clean again because the smell is not gone. And clean again. The last time, I just sprayed it with the cleaner we chose and left it on there instead of rinsing it off. Finally got the smell out, but I noticed there was a spot where the cleaner had pooled that hadn't dried. I left it out to dry and forgot about it.

Flash forward to this morning. Hubby notices and asks if we can finally put the cover back on. I say sure, but the spot that I thought hadn't dried turned out to be an oily residue. I was in the middle of something so asked Hubby to get it off. He of course had no clue how. I don't either, but how hard can it be to try some things? That's all I would do.

So that's my vent for the morning. He really is a good Hubby. Even when he frustrates the heck out of me.

Spring Break - No break

Very little arguing and difficulty getting everyone up all week. Tuesday, Bear took his bath and pointedly informed me he was only in there 20 minutes. He didn't want me to make him take baths at night. I saw it as "proof" that it could be done. Now of course he's slowly worked his way back to over an hour. *sigh* Kitty has been happy as a clam with her reduced chores. I've got to admit it's been so much easier.

My dad and step-mom are coming into town tonight and staying with my little sister for 2 weeks. You know those relatives that you want to impress because you feel like they are judging you? These are "those" relatives for me.

My mom got pneumonia last weekend so is still flat on her back. Luckily my step-dad has stepped up to the plate and is watching the kids for us at their house.

This means the kids aren't home making messes, but it also means chores are supposed to be done in the morning before Grandma's or at night. Truthfully neither is really happening. I decided to take today off for a marathon house cleaning session. I left Kitty at Grandma's (smart me!), and the rest of the kids were supposed to help. Didn't really happen. *sigh* I ended up playing the Little Red Hen.

My little sister gave me a bunch of new furniture so I'm trying to rearrange everything. She is sooo different from me. She saved up and bought the exact pieces of furniture she wanted. Brand new expensive stuff. Less then 6 weeks later she decides she doesn't like them after all!
So I have a gorgeous mahogany china cabinet that I have to figure out how to get here because it doesn't fit in my mom's mini van. Three beautiful bar stools, a brand new stainless steel refrigerator (sister wanted one with a water/ice dispenser in front), 2 pretty mahogany dining chairs, a mahogany coffee table and end table, and a dark wood bookshelf.

My sister's fickle behavior is definitely to my benefit! Too bad she lets her kids and dogs trash most of her furniture. She has beautiful, expensive taste, but most pieces are covered in melted candy or plastic slime, trashed from being jumped on or been chewed by dogs. She just buys new stuff when it's ruined or she's tired of it. My kids trash our furniture too (although I don't "let" them, but I don't have the money to replace it).

So I spent all day scrubbing refrigerators and and kitchen cabinets, and fussing at the kids to get back to work! Almost nothing done. *sigh*

Took Bob and Bear to the eye doctor for a check up. Bear qualifies for Medicaid so he was free! *yeah!* I almost forgot to ask because I'm so used to going to doctors that don't take Medicaid. Unfortunately Bob was not free. I ended up paying over $150 for Bob's new contacts. Not sure how I'm going to cover that. Guess I'm going to have to get creative with the grocery money. Now I just need to find somewhere to fill Bear's glasses prescription. Maybe somewhere that takes our private insurance and Medicaid?! Does that exist? Would be so great if we didn't have to pay for new frames (he doesn't qualify for new frames under our insurance for another year).

Tomorrow I get to finish cleaning. I hope I don't make the whole family insane.

Chore Agreements

CHORE AGREEMENTS

a. SAVINGS:
1. All allowance and chore money will be kept in savings until the spending freeze is lifted. Birthday money or money earned elsewhere may be held for you, but does not have to go into savings.
2. You are required to have $25 in savings at all times. If this money is used to repay debts (such as replacing damaged items or for incomplete chores) then extra chores are mandatory until money is earned back.
3. Spending money is not authorized until you have over $50 in your account. You may choose to spend all money over the $50 or keep it in savings.
4. You may combine money with a sibling only if you have a written agreement on how the item(s) purchased will be used (both by owners, friends and siblings who didn’t contribute).
5. Parental approval for all purchases is required.

b. RANDOM TREATS: Parents will randomly bring home treats that only children who have done chores can have.

c. EARN A VOICE IN CHOICE: If you have completed your chores for the day or week you will get a vote in what movies the family watches, what we are having for dinner, where we go eat, and family activities.

d. WEEKEND REWARDS: Those who have done their chores all week will get free passes from shopping (where possible), and get to attend family activities, or get one on one time with a parent.

e. SATURDAY CHORES: All chores not done during the week must be done on Saturday, plus extra chores – particularly if the chore not done during the week was completed by someone else. It is possible, but not guaranteed, you may still get to go on family activities if these are complete before the activity begins.

f. NO TV/ PS2/ PHONE/ READING FOR PLEASURE/ PLAYING until chores are done to Grandma’s satisfaction. Be aware of parent’s requirements because they have the final say. If you have not earned these privileges you must eat and do schoolwork at the dining room table. Grandma may allow one of these privileges if you are consistently good about getting your chores done.

WARNING!

FAIR CLUB: If you refuse to do chores and/or have an attitude, you can and will be put in the FAIR Club. Other alternatives may include:

1. NO CHORES BY KID, NO CHORES BY PARENT: no hot food for dinner, you can eat sandwiches at table. No electronics or phone -these are paid for by working parents.

2. EARLY RISING: You may have to get up ½ hour early the next morning to do complete chores before getting ready for school.

3. CHANGE CHORES: If you don’t do a chore like dishes or kitty litter then you may have to do it all week rather than next person having to do double the work, or you may have to start doing the chores of the person who is having to do your work.

Life on overwhelm

Saturday we had a family meeting to discuss the fact that the kids are giving Grandma a hard time about doing their chores and are not getting them done. I decided to present them with a list of possible consequences/ rewards and some of the flaws with each one. The kids came to an agreement on rewards and consequences that was pretty reasonable.



Kitty got overwhelmed a few minutes into the meeting - chores and the implied criticism often do that to her. She interrupted constantly, and finally ended up covering her head, moaning and crying and insisting that we were going to starve her (one of the "options" was "no kid chores, no parent chores" - meaning that if you didn't do your chores you had to eat cold food instead of the hot meal prepared, and you couldn't watch TV). We tried to insist that of course we weren't keeping food from her, but she was too activated to hear us.



The other kids were totally frustrated with her. They wanted to get the family meeting over with so we could have lunch. I told Kitty that she needed to go to her room, and we would tell her later how the meeting went. She wouldn't leave and got worse. Finally Hubby stood up to take her to her room, and she managed to get control of herself. I allowed her to stay only on the condition that she no longer participate. She was told that if she interrupted, talked or went back to wailing that she would have to leave the room.



She did calm down. Although she still tried to interrupt several times, she did stop when I told her to quit. She made it through the meeting and even managed to do a couple of small chores before our picnic lunch in the park. After lunch she went grocery shopping with me and stayed calm. She hung out with the neighbor kids and Bear's girlfriend and the gf's friend that came over for an hour or so. All the kids stayed with Grandma overnight as usual on Saturday and went to church with her Sunday morning.



My sister came back from a 2 week business trip in Singapore on Friday and brought all the kids presents. Kitty called Hubby and I to see when we were going to get to Grandma's for lunch. When we arrived she came running out to the car to show us the hair clip she'd gotten. She even allowed hugs from me.



Bear had his new girlfriend over again this afternoon. Everyone has been complaining that I make the same dishes over and over and they're tired of them, so I made a list of some new dishes to try and today I decided to make Hawaiian meatballs (Bear's choice). Had to have side dishes too so we had Ginger Squash, a Pineapple Sweet Potato Casserole, rice, and Virgin Pina Coladas to drink. Plus an Almond Peach fruit cake for dessert.



Ponito volunteered to help. After awhile I realized I needed more help so I called everyone in (including the gf). We had fun mixing together all the ingredients. The gf invited Bear to come out to dinner with her family, but I nixed it. First of all, dinner was his choice, and second, I still don't trust him without Hubby or I supervising. Gf stayed for dinner, but didn't eat?!



Kitty got hyper and giggly. She started using her barking laugh that sounds like she is having an asthma attack. Everyone was teasing everyone and Kitty couldn't stop laughing (I think she couldn't really handle the teasing either). After dinner it was Kitty's turn to do dishes, and that's when the trouble began.



Kitty hates doing chores. Particularly dishes. I stayed in the kitchen to keep her company which sometimes helps, but so did Hubby, which sometimes makes it worse. As usual she ended up having a major meltdown. She whined, threw things, made a big mess, tried to talk her way out of it, raged and cussed. We were sympathetic and calm, but did not allow her to stop doing dishes. Eventually she threatened to accuse us of child abuse (because of course forcing a child to do dishes is child abuse!), accused us of not listening to her (we told her repeatedly that we do listen, but that doesn't mean she's going to get her way), threatened to run away (lost her shoes on that one - which of course makes her rage more), told Hubby he was evil and mean and how much she hates this family, and threatened to hurt herself.



We repeatedly and calmly redirected her to do the dishes. Explained it was taking her longer to argue and throw a fit then to do the dishes. She tried to run away. Hubby stopped her and she immediately tried to bite him, hit and pinch him. I don't really know what to do about her men issues. Family issues we just keep plugging away at, but the men issues seem to be getting worse. She's blaming everything on poor Hubby, including her family issues.



I think it might be time to start attachment therapy again, but with Hubby not me. I don't know how much more poor Kitty (and Hubby) can take.

Eating her emotions

Chores Friday included cleaning the playroom. Grandma hasn't been able to get the kids to do much of anything so has pretty much told them to dust and vacuum - and they don't really do that.
After talking to the insurance company, calming Kitty down (she was convinced the other kids were laughing at her), I decided to address the fact that the kids were playing in the playroom instead of cleaning it.
Bob was picking up miniscule pieces of stuff in slow motion. Kitty was laying around watching her and claiming to be taking a break because she was tired and/or ill.
I tried just supervising, but that didn't help. I threatened to throw away all the stuff I had to clean up. A bit of an effect on Bob, Kitty started whining that she was sick.

So I started picking up trash and throwing it away. Then I started picking up toys and putting them in the trash pile near Kitty (so she could pull them out if she wanted to). She still got overwhelmed and had a meltdown. I explained that I deliberately put the toys near her so she didn't have to get up off her tuckus. She still got upset.

The neighbor who is a teacher at the private school brought by Bob's Texas History workbooks so she could review all weekend.

We realized we were late to Kitty's therapy appointment. During which she spent the whole time complaining she was hungry and had nothing to talk about (typical lately, an obvious distraction as well). After therapy and on the way home we talked about how her feelings are related to eating.

Kitty has always blocked her feelings. She doesn't listen to her body. She even encourages people to pinch her arms to show them that she has no feelings there. She "plays" roughly and has no idea how to handle it when it increases beyond her comfort level. She was "play fighting" with a boy and accidentally hit him in the nose - giving him a nose bleed. Everyone agreed it was an accident, but she has no idea how to prevent it from happening again.

She is not ticklish and appears to have no idea if food is literally dripping off her face. Like Bear she has high psychosomatic illnesses. (Commented on by the psychologist giving the results of her school assessment).

After an hour of complaining that she was starving during therapy, I mentioned to Kitty that she was probably dissociating/ distracting herself from her emotions (she denied this of course). We talked about how she used to take medications that kept her from being hungry, and we kept telling her to go ahead and eat. Now she is probably on a med that is doing the opposite. I asked her to try to be aware of how much she is eating (lately more than a starving teenage boy and craving more!). We talked about how she spent so many years denying her emotions.

The subject changed to why Bear is angry at Biomom. I tried to explain that Bear's heart was damaged because Biomom wasn't able to parent him well. Now Bear doesn't feel safe trusting anyone with his heart. So he pushes people away so no one can ever get close to his heart. I also added a little about how his early childhood was different from hers (biomom's abusive men tended to beat him up). We talked a little about how hard it must have been for biomom, having four kids, aging out of the foster care system, running away from her problems (pointed out that Kitty and Bear do this too)... I also touched on how the chemicals in Bear's body were messed up, and that in residential treatment they found medications that helped him, but he still had a lot of things to work through before he was safe to come home (Bear was able to come home from RTC when his bipolar disorder received proper treatment).

Hardest part for me to remember, is to always respect the relationships (no matter how tempting it is to put down or criticize the biofamily). I always speak of son (and biofamily) with love, but honesty, and try to explain why he might have done the things he did. We talk about the things he did that made him unsafe to be around, but how much we love him anyway.

Mostly we emphasize keeping everyone safe.

How to get girls to do chores!

For Christmas one of Bob's gifts was to have her room redecorated. To this end she actually "cleaned" her room. Her room is very cluttered so her definition of clean and mine are never the same. We're working on it though.

So today she came to me with her thoughts on how she wants her room painted. Night - with stars and horses. I told her she could ask Bear - the rule is no more than one wall could be painted dark, and NO black. Since one of her walls is already a fairly dark blue, that was the best she was going to get. Back to the drawing board! *grin*

We discussed what her room needs in order to be ready to paint. Since she wants to take out the two twin beds in her room and have some more book shelf space, we have decided that she will use the extra bed with a bookshelf built in that was dumped in the playroom when Ponito got his new bunkbed last month. This means that it has to be cleaned off (it became a storage facility quickly!) and both beds in her room need to be stripped and ready for storage in the garage.

{*sigh* We have a 3 car garage that is overstuffed with items for the garage sale we are having "someday" as well as all the usual junk a big family of pack rats accumulates. Bear's Christmas gift to us, the only one he gave anyone, was that he neatened the garage. It looks great! You could almost fit an actual car in there. Of course his solution to storage was just to pile everything in one huge, well-stacked, pile on one side of the garage. So it is all hopelessly mixed together and inaccessible. *deeper sigh*}

I finally just gave her a list.
1. Clean off bed in playroom. Make sure all stuff on it finds a home and is not just dumped on the floor! (HA! Thought you'd get me with that one! Mom knows what your 12 year old brain was planning!)
2. Put away everything on all surfaces.
3. Find a home for all stuff on the floor (boxes, laundry baskets, etc.)
4. Ask someone to help you move beds.
5. Take everything off the walls and doors. (All her walls are covered floor to ceiling in posters, pictures, calendar pages, junk).

Kitty wants a neighborhood girl to come over (she's kind of friends with both girls and went to school with them when they attended public school still). Truthfully I think that Kitty is too dysregulated for a sleepover, but I decided she could if the girls got the house looking presentable enough for company (sneaky Mommy trick).

Now Kitty is cleaning her room (chores!) so that her friend might possibly get to come over (I told her her room smelled too much and there were dirty clothes all over the floor). I also told them the playroom has to be cleaned up (today's chore!). Bob is working on this (hopefully with Kitty's assistance), because Bob needs a piece of furniture out of the playroom to go in her room. Kitty is mostly finished with her room, has a load of laundry going and is taking a break before she helps Bob. Bob has already cleaned off the new bed in the playroom and is now working in her room.