This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Tuesday, October 7, 2008

I don't trust him!

Bear at the Residential Treatment Center

I've been very frustrated with Bear's school because they insist that he has reached the top of his point levels and needs to be doing out classes at the high school. They talked to me about it on the phone, with him in the room with them, so he blames it all on me. Yesterday I started to write a letter to the school asking for a parent /teacher conference so they could explain to me what's changed in the last month that makes him now ready to go.

While typing, Hubby walks in and asks if I've seen an e-mail from the school? The e-mail asks for pictures of Bear doing a service project for the church involving selling pumpkins at the pumpkin patch. The teacher says she came by on Friday, but he'd had to leave because of the family medical emergency. This was all a total lie - no working the pumpkin patch, although he'd asked but been told no, and no family emergency.

Thank you Bear for giving me a concrete example of how you are not better!

This morning I found out that he had left a pocket knife at a friend's house. He does not own a pocket knife (he threatened to "shank" a kid at school in 7th grade).

Thank you Bear for yet another example.

So I haven't decided if we'll use the trust jar for Bear yet. I've told the kids that the jars aren't ready yet. I'm now thinking that removing the "age" component of the jars might help. Saying you have the trust level of a 2 year old could easily be an insult. Dropping "levels" might be potentially less self-esteem damaging. Rainbow colored jars...

Because we have 4 children I am also very concerned with them stealing each other's beans (we decided to use large lima beans instead of cotton balls due to the size of the jars I found). This is getting very complicated! I did go ahead and start the youngest on the system. It has been very enlightening for him to lose beans when he lied. I think he gets it. He's a bright, fully-attached bio kid though. Still, the girls watched it happen too - which I think is a good thing.


Kelly said...

In a way I would like to say I am sorry about the lies but in a way it is good that now you don't have to doubt yourself on this. Also this should help get the school off your back and I would not even discuss this with them. You are the parent and for them to kid themselves to think they know your son better than you is an insult and I would not entertain it. Flat out refuse to let him school anywhere else and tell them not to bring this up again in front of him. In the future if they want to make a change in his education plan they should have enough respect for you as his parent to talk to you without his knowledge. Okay..I am okay. This kind of thing just really irritates me when schools and other parents for that matter think they know what is best for my children. UGH. Sorry. Have a nice day :)

Lisa said...

Yep, yep, yep to everything Kelly said but I would also make sure that I followed it up in writing.

Perspective RAD said...

I also agree with Kelly -- You are the only one who knows how to best meet your sons needs on his terms. No one else is going to have that specific best interest at heart!

Anonymous said...

Ditto... and ditto what Lisa said about putting it in writing. Are they trying to "get rid of him" by moving him to the mainstream school?

As for the trust jar thing... lima beans for one, kidney beans for another, pinto beans for the other. Two small beans equals one lima bean, or something like that. Also, I think you should give Bear a chance at the trust jar too, but be prepared to abandon it after a short time, like a week or so. The kid ain't dumb, he'll get the picture soon enough.