Big Fat Liar

So we made it through a second day of Kitty coming to work with me - barely. Because of the doctor's appointment we didn't get to work until 11:30am! Almost not worth going, but silly me, I let Kitty leave her workbooks in the office. At least we were still home when they turned the power off so we found out about it quickly and were able to get it turned back on before the food all went bad.

20 minutes of school work before lunch. Well, sort of, she kept bugging me to let her write a report, or take a break because she was STARVING! When we stopped for lunch she was very cuddly - sitting right up against me and even putting her head on my shoulder while we watched TV and ate.

After an hour long lunch ending at 1pm she started work again. Her mouth didn't stop moving, but her hands often did. She babbled on about everything and nothing. At 1:30pm she needed a break and really wanted to just stop. I allowed her a 30 minute break to wash a few dishes - our lunch dishes mostly and watch 1/2 hour of TV. She cam back and worked for 30 minutes (with a lot of assistance and pushing on my part. At 2:30pm she decided she was done for the day! I told her she needed to keep going because she'd missed all morning. She argued and worked a little until 3pm - then she said school was out! I told her fine, then this was homework! Needless to say that did not go over well.

When I was helping her understand spots as she was having trouble with them, I would look back at previous pages. She openly admitted she just guessed because she didn't understand it. She does corrections, then immediately takes the test. When she finished the self-test on one workbook I told her the teacher had told her to go on to the next. She explained that she didn't want to go any further because then she would forget it all when she took the test. If she failed the test she'd have to repeat the workbook; therefore, she refused to work in the next workbook because she'd forget what she'd "learned" in it by the time she started working in it again.

She also argued that the teacher had told her to do just a little in the new workbooks. I had talked to the teacher on the phone, and she'd told me she wanted Kitty to go as far as she could because she's SOO behind. Kitty (deliberately?) had left her homework assignment at school last week, so when I told Kitty what the teacher had said, she accused me of being a liar. I know this is part of her attachment issues, but it gets SOO old. I asked her if I had ever lied to her (a risky proposition) in the 2 years I've known her. She, of course, brought up the Santa issue. I clarified that in the 2 years she's known me that the fact that I won't tell her Santa doesn't exist makes me a big fat liar. Yup! She would rather believe her beloved teacher who can do no wrong, over her me anyday. *sigh* I know this is part of her illness, but that doesn't always make me feel better.

I know she's having trouble processing all school work too. The vocabulary is gobbledygook to her, and I'd bet she is putting what little she understands in her short-term memory. I can't believe that if you asked her about something on the two workbooks she has managed to complete this year, that she would have one clue what they are about. She's doing 5th grade workbooks. I don't think she can go much further than this.

After 3:15 she refused to do any more work (even though I told her we were leaving at 3:30 to get to her dentist on time). We spent the next 25 minutes arguing. She refused to do school work, hates our family, wants to go back to Nebraska, wishes she'd never met us, threatened to cut herself and her hair, threatened to go "emo".... I fluctuated between commiserating with her, calming her down, arguing with her, threatening to keep her out of school even longer, rationalizing, and stopping her from hurting herself.... Toward the end, Hubby came in to help me deal with her and I passed the baton for awhile. At the end she'd argued long enough not to have to do anymore school work. She happily got in the car to go to the dentist - as if the last 30 minutes never happened.

The dentist fixed her chipped tooth and we rushed home to grab some dinner and head off to EMDR therapy. I waved at Ponito, first time I'd seen him all day - no quality time for us today - at least I got to kiss him goodnight. Bear lay on the sofa feeling badly but never threw up, I did get to have a 5 minute conversation with him before bed while he was talking on the phone to a friend (he likes to bring me in on conversations while I'm cleaning the kitchen - I guess his friends aren't entertaining enough). Bob was feeling 100% better and making Hubby crazy - she was "too sick" to do her chores though.

EMDR therapy was a "not tough" session (we alternate). After the session the therapist and I talked about Kitty's upcoming ARD/IEP meeting which is just for us to agree to getting her tested. The therapist believes that Kitty's current behavior is NOT her PTSD and not that her ADHD meds are not working any more. Instead she thinks it might be mania. Kitty is already on 3 meds that could also be used for bipolar disorder, but we discussed the fact that these might not be working on the part of her brain chemistry that is off-balance. We just saw the psychologist last week, but I've put in a call to see if we can try Kitty on Lamictal. The therapist really wishes we could get a brain scan by a neuro psychologist so see if Kitty has any damage like Bear's Cerebral Dysrythmia, but I know our health insurance won't pay for that.

*sigh*

School work at work

So the first day of Kitty going to work with me is over. I presented it exactly as I planned (so glad I wrote it down), and it worked exactly as planned. I told her she had the choice of going in the FAIR Club with accompanying writing assignment, or I could give her another chance. Ironically as long as she thinks she is getting away with something else she accepts the consequences easily. She came to work with me and behaved well.

Unfortunately I do think that her ADHD med is not working very well. By mid afternoon she was incapable of doing more school work (yes, I did take her for a long walk to burn off some energy - today I will wear better shoes!!). I can see why the school is having trouble with her. She could not stop talking! Plus, she obviously does not understand the vocabulary. I'm not sure how she passes her tests.

Yesterday Bob and Hubby came down with stomach flu. It started out by being dizzy and nauseous for several days and then Bob started vomiting. Hubby hasn't started the vomiting yet. Today Bob feels annoyingly better, but now Bear said he feels awful and didn't sleep all night. Kitty has complained off and on, but I'm not sure I believe her yet.

Since we're down to one car I left everyone at home while I saw the doctor (I'm seeing him monthly while we stabilize my meds for bipolar disorder). I got fussed at for gaining weight - this is the most I've weighed when not pregnant, not having seen my gynecologist in 3 years, not exercising and not sleeping. *sigh* He decided not to increase my mood stabilizer since I seem to be OK, but I did request an increase in my anti-depressant since my life sucks** right now.

Someone asked why Hubby doesn't attended attachment therapy. We were told Kitty needs to bond to me first, then we could start adding others. Her attachment to me is finally established, but still very tentative. Having her with me more has really helped. She holds my hand (when there is no chance someone she knows will see us) and doesn't say mean things about me as often (this is a huge improvement). She's even complimented me once or twice, and cuddles with me during lunch at work.

Staying home with her is just not an option. She can barely focus when there are few distractions (like at work) and knowing that the TV, dogs, toys, etc. is right there would be too much for her I think. Having Hubby in the next office over is a required threat too (haven't had to use it this time, but have in the past). Plus, I really need to be available at work. Even though most of the time there is nothing I need to be doing, the rare times I am needed, no one else can do my job (new client meetings, writing proposals for existing clients...). Plus, Hubby wants me to start doing a little more in the way of marketing.

** Taken from one of those silly survey things that get sent around.
17. Current worry? Hubby wants to lay off several people at our company because we can't afford to pay them (and we don't agree on who), he also wants to stop paying half of their health insurance (we have less than 10 employees so apparently we don't have to do this). We borrow $10K a month from my parents just to get by (for the company). The house is falling apart and infested by Carpenter ants, and the bathroom at work is leaking(luckily we have two). My work computer died this morning (Good news! Kitty just realized she'd kicked out the power cord, plugged it back in, and now my computer works!). My car is dead and Hubby's car is making weird noises. We've been driving without car insurance since August. Bob is throwing up at Grandma's house. Kitty is at work today and Hubby hates that. We had to have a serious talk today with the sales guy because we don't think he's making enough sales calls - but the market is down so it probably won't make a difference. Hubby is waiting for several calls about jobs he probably won't get, doesn't want, and doesn't have time to do because he's got work to do here. We haven't gotten paychecks in almost a year and Christmas is coming. My nephew, we promised to pay for his college, is graduating this year. We owe all the staff at least 2 weeks of salary, one of them a whole month and one several months and they all want the money before the end of the year. I haven't had my annual gynecologist appointment in 3 years and something's not quite right with my armpit. I was told to get a biopsy of my thyroid done immediately, and it's been about 6 months (don't have the $1500 co-pay). Something is triggering Kitty at school and I don't know what. Gotta figure out how to get Kitty the school help she needs without throwing her back into regular classes in public school. Gotta take Kitty to two different therapy appointments a week. In Sunday School yesterday morning I realized I still have not figured out how to put my faith in God. My meds are not helping. Hubby won't take meds and I don't know how he can possibly be even functioning. I have to finish sewing Bob's dress for Christmas pictures next weekend. I volunteered to make 24 pies for Thanksgiving. And this list is depressingly long and it's not even complete!

When the road ahead is not clear

Kitty seems to be spiraling downward and we're not sure what to do about it. She has so many reasons she could be stressed out we're not sure what, if anything we could/should do. It's getting worse and we're seeing behaviors that we hadn't seen in quite awhile - with greater frequency.

Yesterday she yelled at Hubby for "criticizing her" and because he told the school she needed to bring home a homework slip every day, even if she didn't have school work (so she couldn't "forget"). She ran upstairs and slammed her bedroom door. He went up to try to calm her down, and eventually succeeded - he thought. She came downstairs and ran right out the front door. He followed her. She eventually came back in and tried to lock him out. I unlocked it and she ended up slamming him with the door. She ran out back and climbed a tree threatening to climb on the rotted second story deck. Then she got stuck. She wouldn't accept help from Hubby, only me. I pushed a ladder over to her and went back inside to finish cooking dinner. She screamed and cried over the miniscule scrape on her hand and insisted we take her to the doctor because she was going to die. She did calm down and eat dinner. After dinner she did 4 pages of schoolwork (out of 18) and then went to bed. (Abriged to delete the tons of drama, yelling and emoting that accompanied all this).

The private school finished the paperwork required by the public school getting ready to do assessments for learning disabilities and special education services. In the course of this we found out that Kitty misses hours a day due to headaches, tummy aches... The girls started school a month late, and Kitty has been out sick with one thing or another (usually nothing major), and apparently she hasn't been doing make-up work either. I have to admit I'm a little angry with the school for not telling me that she was missing several hours a day. When they sent home work, Kitty didn't bother to get the slips signed and we still knew nothing about it. What if I hadn't started pushing for this testing?! Would I have even known there was a problem at school until it got worse?


Kitty's stressors

1. The 2 year anniversary - with her and Bear's adoptions this year I think things are feeling more "real." She hasn't lived in a house more than 2 years since she was 3 years old!

2. Birthmom having another baby. She misses birth family a lot. She wants to be a part of her new sister's life.

3. Trip to Nebraska (where the kids were adopted from). We've had to put off this trip so many times, but she knows we're hoping to be able to go this December. This would be the first time we've returned since their adoption. We plan to try to arrange for them to get to see biofamily.

4. Holidays are coming - these are never an easy time for anyone.

5. School work is getting harder. Although Kitty is technically in 7th grade, she is doing 5th grade level work. 5th grade is hard and requires a lot of generalizing and reading skills that I just don't think she has. Missing the first month of school doesn't help. Her poor reading skills are making understanding the directions almost impossible. Her school is not designed to do one-on-one work, but is really having to accomodate this alot.

6. Homework. Because Kitty is behind she is now expected to do 36 pages in her workbooks(last year it was only 26). She is unable to get this done at school, especially with her constant "illnesses." I think it may be causing the "illnesses" too. It might just be too many pages. Bob is all caught up already, but I may just have to intervene and get the number of pages reduced - she can work over Christmas break and Summer again.

7. Possibly something about school triggering PTSD. This could be that something about the new campus itself is triggering bad memories - it's in a little house that might remind her of another house from her past; the "joking and teasing" that she does with the boys could be overwhelming (the only other girl besides her sister is no longer attending the school and Kitty has very poor social skills); the honeymoon could be over with the teachers (Kitty sees everything as black or white, with people seen rarely she is charming and willing, unfortunately the teachers at school might be moving to the "Dark Side" now that she's known them longer).

8. Bob's issues. I know these trigger things for Kitty, and watching Bob "get away with stuff" and "cop an attitude" makes Kitty do the same. She is a big follower. Also the yelling and arguing could be triggering memories of people in Kitty's past.

9. Dealing with Grandma and chores. After over a year of Grandma being a primary caregiver any time we're not home, Grandma is definitely a member of the "Dark Side" if not actually "Darth Vader"! Kitty's Oppositional Defiant Disorder is definitely triggered by Grandma, and just like Hubby, Grandma doesn't have the advantage of attachment therapy like I do. I can tell Kitty to do a chore, and while she hates it, and tries to refuse, she will usually eventually sloppily comply ("Resistance is futile!").

Grandma has the added burden of actually wanting to get everyone to do their chores. She helps the other kids with chores, and even does them for them, but Kitty (and Bear) cannot accept help and can't tolerate having people in their room. We recently moved Kitty to the easiest chores that matter the least (ie no one sees the areas as often so a little less cleaning won't matter). Originally we gave her some of the harder rooms because she was the worst offender when it came to making big messes. We thought if it was her room to clean she would think twice about making the mess. Didn't really work.

10. EMDR therapy - At first this didn't appear to be having an effect on Kitty's behavior - even when I pushed and we talked about things she could never handle even the thought of before. I'm wondering if this is having more of an effect now. I keep forgetting to ask the EMDR therapist if we can move her appointment to later in the week so it won't effect school as much (it's on Tuesday nights right now).

11. Boy friend - Summer before last, at a day camp that was majorly overwhelming for Kitty, Kitty met a boy she liked. She called him obsessively for awhile, even though he never returned her calls and only talked to her briefly when she got hold of him. He attends the public middle school she would have gone to if we hadn't put her in private school. She occasionally goes through phases where she starts calling him obsessively again - having to remind him who she is each time. In the Summer he invited her to a pool party. I forget why, but for some reason she couldn't go. Now he's invited her to one of his football games, but they're on Tuesday nights - same time as therapy. Kitty is furious with me that I won't let her go. This boy will not talk to her if he knows we're home or his parents are home. I get the feeling that his homelife is not great. We've told Kitty that we'd be happy to have the boy come to our house, meet us, and hang out (Secret Parent Trick - provided her chores are done - wouldn't want him coming to a dirty house!). After that (assuming he is willing to meet us), if we do allow her to "date" this boy, we will always be in attendance. We will not be dropping her off at his house or at the football games. I do not know his family and doubt they would supervise her the way I want/need her to be supervised. In reality she is not "old enough" to date (emotionally/developmentally about age 6), but I'm trying to be reasonable.

12. Med changes. Kitty is not stable on her meds. We are still working at getting her off Geodon and have been increasing her Trileptal. The good news is that she appears to have finally stopped the nighttime enueresis!

13. Financial. It has been impossible to keep the children from knowing that we are in deep financial difficulties (constant debt collector calls take care of that!). While we do reassure them that we will not lose the house and we will have food to eat, we are not spending money on extras. While we are keeping track of their allowance, they have not been allowed to spend it in many months. Currently we are a one car family (and it only seats 5 - if you're math challenged like me that's one seat too few for a six member family). I'm sure this triggers memories/ issues of biofamily.

I talked with Kitty's attachment therapist (without Kitty there) yesterday. I told her all the issues we and the school had been having with Kitty lately and she reviewed the school's notes for the public school special education assessments. She feels that Kitty is completely overwhelmed and suffering severely from PTSD and that we have to make her life less stressful immediately. The question is - how?!

I left a message this morning with the private school to talk to her teacher about if she thinks something is triggering Kitty at school (and also to have them send home lots of work for Kitty to do - the school is closed Monday and Tuesday). Haven't heard back from them so I guess I'll have to wait until Wednesday next week (did I mention patience is not one of the virtues I possess a lot of?).

I dropped off the last of the paperwork with the public school for the assessment. I was really excited that our ARD was scheduled for November 17th. Until I found out that is just to formally give our permission for testing. Still, it's progress.

So I worked out a solution for dealing with Kitty, but Hubby is against a major component of it and I don't know what to do!

I want Kitty to come to work with me daily and do her school work. I think she will benefit from-
a. having me around (attaching/ bonding);
b. me being calm will help her regulate her emotions;
c. work is quiet and calm (no one pokes, talks, giggles or acts like a teenage boy - OK, most of the time!) so there should be no distractions;
d. I could read all directions out loud and immediately help with any questions she has (I literally have nothing better to do - I spend most of the day waiting for someone to e-mail me, playing Spider Solitaire, reading message boards and blogs, and of course blogging);
e. we could excuse her from all but the most basic of chores at home (laundry and picking up her room) with the "excuse" that she is not home to do them and has chores at the office (washing a few forks or running the vacuum once a week should be much less overwhelming);
f. she wouldn't be around Grandma as much (perhaps this would lessen the antagonism she's showing toward Grandma);
g. she wouldn't be around Bob or the other kids as much either, so she wouldn't have to witness them fighting (tonight Bob thought Ponito took her socks and demanded them back - somehow that ended with violence and one of his shoes in the toilet!), or deal with Bob's hormonal meltdowns;
h. the EMDR therapist has an office downtown so we could go during the day instead of taking up time in the evenings - we might be able to arrange something similar with the AT as well;
i. I could get a pretty good idea of how many pages of schoolwork is reasonable to expect from her.

Hubby does NOT want Kitty at work. He does not want her disrupting the staff (several times at work she's yelled, screamed and pitched major fits). He feels it will look unprofessional to staff and particularly clients. He worries that his work will not get done if he has to babysit Kitty (she hates having him supervising her - so that is usually what ends up happening if she loses control).


Last problem. Kitty will most likely HATE the idea and very likely WILL pitch those fits Hubby is worried about. While I could fairly easily take time off work, I feel that being home is not a good idea for Kitty - there are too many distractions (toys, TV, pets, and no Hubby for back up).

So here's my tentative solution.

Right now I have to put Kitty in the FAIR Club for her recent behavior with Hubby since it was so similar to the issues I put Bob in the FAIR club for last weekend (even though I know that hers was caused by her illness). So I'm thinking of giving Kitty a "Choice" - both options I can live with, but of course I'm hoping she'll choose to behave at work with me. Here's how I'm thinking of telling her.

I should put her in the FAIR club where she will have to do a major writing assignment and extra chores in addition to having to do all her school work. Since she can't behave with Grandma she cannot stay home with her on Monday and Tuesday so she can choose to stay home with Daddy and do her school work.

HOWEVER, I have decided to be a nice Mommy and give her another chance. I will not be giving her a writing assignment, but she will be on "probation." I've heard that she is having a lot of issues with being sick at school (headaches, tummyaches). I want her to know I'm listening and I do not want a sick child at school. Sick children should be with their Moms. My solution is to take her to work with me on Monday and Tuesday. If she does her work without argument or issue then I will allow her to go back to school on Wednesday. If I hear that she is having issues at school (sick or refusing to do her work) or at home (arguing with Grandma or another child, refusing to do her chores and/or homework) then I will immediately bring her back to work to be with me. If she behaves herself at work, then she can return to school. I think if she sees school as a reward for good behavior then she will work harder to keep it. In the meantime I will keep exploring and trying to remove all other stressors.

Bobbin' along

So in the car on the way to work I confronted Hubby on his not-so-private comments regarding how I handle Bob. I told him it hurt my feelings - a lot, but that I thought it was just me being over sensitive until I talked to my mom and she agreed with me. I knew he hadn't intentionally hurt my feelings - in the 16 years I've known him he has almost never been anything but supportive and empathetic. I think this was one reason I was so surprised. Then I asked his advice on how he thought I should handle Bob. (Great minds think alike Denise!) I expressed my worry that Bob might be bipolar like the rest of my family.


Hubby got defensive because he thought Mom and I were suggesting that Bob take meds (which Hubby is pretty adamantly against unless there are no other alternatives. He thinks I do not need them either). I reassured him that I didn't think Bob needed meds, I was just very concerned. There are so many issues it could be (the new kids, raging hormones - which are supposedly worse before they start their period because the hormones have nowhere to go, holidays...). We talked for awhile about what could have caused her behavior, how to handle it, and whether or not we should put her in therapy.

This topic led into Hubby's issues in dealing with Kitty that morning. Ironically it was very similar to my issues with Bob.

Kitty had told Hubby the day before that she would eat all her lunch (she'd taken a larger than usual lunch, and has major appetite issues due to her ADHD meds - we've had to work with her on eating, at least something, even though she's rarely hungry.) While she was making breakfast and lunch for the day, I happened to glance in her lunch box and realized that it was almost full from the day before. I mentioned it to Hubby. He called her on it and she immediately got defensive (she cannot take criticism, even implied, from anyone but me, and even that is hard on her). Kitty started yelling at Hubby and accusing him of yelling at her - he spoke firmly, but had never yelled. I reminded her that when she feels criticized she feels yelled at, and that Dad was NOT yelling at her.


She and Hubby kept at it. I tried to stay out of it, only stepping in to ask Kitty to calm down and to remind her that Dad was NOT yelling at her. Often if they go at it long enough, and only one parent engages with her, Kitty will calm down. Not so much this time.

In the car, I reminded Hubby of the Beyond Consequences training we'd taken and the little bit of work he'd done with the attachment therapist. I told Hubby that Kitty had shut down and was in "flight, fight or freeze mode" almost immediately after his first sentence. Hubby felt very persecuted by mine and my mom's reaction to his critiquing me, and now by my saying he was parenting Kitty incorrectly. He told me that he felt persecuted/ crucified and shut down for awhile.

After a little while he expressed his frustration with not being allowed to parent Kitty. He felt kept out of the attachment loop (unfortunately that's how it works, the child attaches to one parent and only then gets to the point that they can start working on relationships with others). He felt that he was not allowed to say anything to Kitty because she would take it the wrong way. I explained to him that the AT and I weren't deliberately keeping him out of loop, and that I wasn't saying he couldn't parent Kitty at all, just that he needed to be aware that it was pretty pointless to talk to her after she had shut down. We talked about how to approach her later when she wasn't activated.

At that point, we talked about my dead car for awhile and what to do next. Then we talked about how many people we owed money to. Hubby finally hit his overwhelm point and we pretty much stopped talking for the rest of the trip.

Quite frankly I don't know how we does it. He IS depressed, whether he agrees with my mom and I or not. Our life IS incredibly stressful. He doesn't sleep well, and he's taken the weight of the world on his shoulders (in the picture it's only the weight of our daughter). I couldn't do as well as I am (not that that's saying much) without major support (THANK YOU ALL!!) and medication!

Not sure what to do about blogging all that's gone on this week! I've gotten part of Tuesday done and the rest of the week has been just as eventful! *sigh*

Our 2nd Anniversary

It's been a tough few days, and I plan to blog about it in chronological order.

Tuesday - November 4th, 2008.

Our 2 year anniversary with the kids. It's hard to believe how far we've come!


From the first day I saw them on the internet (Bear (12!) and Kitty (11)



To our first meeting with them.



Them coming to live with us November 4th, 2006 and our first Christmas together.



Dealing with Bear's aggression and intimidation, running away, suicide threats, getting suspended from school, juvenile court, drug abuse, Hubby being accused of child abuse (unfounded of course!), and Bear's eventual trip to residential treatment.



Years of attachment therapy with Kitty. Leading up to the point where I can actually touch her, and even give her a little criticism (she still can't handle it from anyone else though).



Kitty's adoption day!! March 2008



Bear's adoption day!! July 2008



It's been a long two years. I can't believe we made it! I sent an e-mail to the kids' Nebraska caseworker (letting her know we STILL haven't received Bear's birth certificate!). I got a little positive feedback that made me feel good. She was impressed that we stuck with this through thick and thin and kept the kids when a lot of parents would have sent them back.



Even when the kids drive me crazy I'm glad they are in our lives. God really knew what he was doing when he chose these children for us. I have to admit I had big doubts!! *grin*

Ever heard the idea...

that the way the child's twos go will be a pretty good indicator of how their teens will be? This terrifies me!!!

Bob at 2, notice how much taller than the other children she is?!

Bob hit the "terrible twos" at 17 months and didn't come out again until age 4.5 years. She about drove me around the bend, and was the reason I "discovered" the internet. When Bob was 2.5 years old, I found a parenting website based on a fantastic book that I credit for being the only reason Bob is alive today. Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. The message board is no longer in existence, but it was great to be able to go somewhere and get support from other parents who's children have painted the dog blue. (This is also how I feel about the Special Needs forum on adoption.com).


How angelic she looks! Believe me, it's an act!

So now that she's entered the "terrible teens" at only 12 - but she does everything early - what do I do with her?!



My family has a strong genetic predisposition to bipolar disorder. My grandfather and his 5 brothers had it and committed suicide. His two sisters probably had it as well. My mom has it, I have it... so when my daughter starts acting moody I have the added worry of - is this adolescent onset of bipolar disorder/ depression? At age 13 my mom remarried, we moved to a more affluent part of town, I was chronically ill with colds and flu (lowered immune system is a standard side effect of depression) so missed tons of school, and within a year I left home to go live with my father. Obviously I was miserable and moody as all get out, with many life-changing reasons, let alone being a teenager. The depression didn't go away though so I look back now and say - "oh yea, that was the start of my issues with depression."

My mom says the same thing happened to her and her mother talked about sending her away, but although her father intervened, he never mentioned he understood because he'd gone through the same thing. Mental illness was taboo. I don't want Bob to spend her teen years miserable if there is anything I can do about it. Obviously teens are moody and miserable, it's part of being a teen, but depression makes it so much worse. Bob doesn't have the same history that Bear and Kitty do (or I did), but this has been a tough couple of years with a lot of life-changing events.

Lately Bob has been moody, miserable and defiant. Normally I'd ignore this, but the problem is she's dragging down Kitty with her. Kitty is feeding off her moods and it's triggering major issues for her - add that to Kitty's biomom recently having a baby, and our two year anniversary (yes, we got the kids 2 years ago today!!!), and all she can talk about is wanting to go back to her biomom. Bob would be happy to drag her all the way there - Bob's been seeing all the downsides to having her new siblings (Kitty isn't allowed to watch Harry Potter and the Tenth Kingdom because they triggers issues for her so no one gets to watch them, I invented the FAIR Club because of the adoption, Bob is no longer the oldest child, Bob doesn't go to public school because of Kitty...). I've tried to point out some of the positives, but she'd rather be miserable.

So last Sunday, Bob refused to go to church. Not a horrible thing in and of itself, but I had to deal with her so I didn't get to go either. It escalated as I kept trying to find a way to get through to her. I tried reasoning, empathy, telling her stories from my childhood, and eventually moved to threatening and consequences. She of course went in the FAIR club, and as it worsened I told her I was taking away her saved allowance (about $45) - no impact, then told her I would empty her room of books - she kept on escalating from pouting to yelling and storming out. At this point Hubby got home from church with the rest of the kids and started trying to talk to her. For awhile she escalated and I loaded up three grocery bags full of her books and put them by the front door. She finally calmed down so I stopped. Later she put the bags back in her room. I saw them, but decided to let it go.

This weekend Bob didn't want to go shopping (wouldn't you know I, the bargain queen, get kids who hate shopping?!), even though it was mostly for clothes for her. She's grown so much and the weather is supposedly changing soon (it's still in the mid-eighties) so she needed cold weather clothes. Bob pitched a fit and refused to go. I tried to stay calm, but really hate it when she cops an attitude like this.

Hubby got involved and talked to her until she calmed down some and went to her room. Hubby then got on my case about allowing Bob to get to me, and always escalating the situation. He blamed me for my inability to listen to Bob and hear her side of it?!! I admit sometimes I get angry and punish Bob by doing things like taking away her books - which didn't help the situation, but I don't know what else to do! I do listen to Bob and her concerns, but sometimes the answer is, "Tough toenails. We all have to do things we don't want to do." Bob does what he says because he's a big, strong Dad and doesn't accept disobedience. When she acts like this should I let her walk all over me? She won't do what I say just because I say it. Hubby doesn't seem to get that. I admit this verbal dressing down in front of my mom and the other kids really hurt my feelings.

When I went in to check on Bob, I found her crying on her bed instead of getting ready to go as Hubby thought she was. I talked to her for awhile, listened to her complaints, said some of the things that Hubby had pointed out might help (mentioning how I'd felt like this at her age), and she finally got up, got her shoes on and got in the car. Soon thereafter though, the attitude returned. She refused to move, ran away from me to sit on the side of the building when it was time to leave, pitched verbal fits, whined and complained, demanded things she knew I wouldn't buy her... and was generally a horrid brat. The sales clerks all marveled at how I managed to stay calm (which I admit made me feel better). What should have taken 2 hours max, ended up taking 5, and we didn't get everything we needed!

On the way home (finally) she became even more verbally defiant. I tried to ignore her, but she kept dragging the other kids into it, especially Kitty. She made sure I knew that there was nothing I could do to consequence her and mentioned getting the books back. (Later I made sure to mention that I allowed her to get the books back.) I told the other children to ignore her, but Kitty wasn't able to. I kept warning Kitty that she shouldn't let Bob get her into trouble, but Kitty was already triggered and started talking about going back to Nebraska and biomom. *sigh*

I know I'm a little depressed right now, and felt that I might have taken Hubby's talking to me in the wrong way, but my mom confirmed that he was obviously criticizing me, and in front of the kids. Hubby tends to discount my mom's opinions because she thinks he is depressed too (has for years) and has suggested anti-depressants to him. He doesn't believe in popping pills for everything (OK, for almost anything) and doesn't really like me taking them either. He felt that my mom was suggesting meds for Bob (she wasn't). Anyway, he's not being the big support he usually is, and when I talked to him about hurting my feelings, he feels crucified (did I mention I agree with my mom that he's probably depressed?!).

Basically I'm at my wit's end. The FAIR Club is insufficient, consequences must be applied or all the other kids see Bob "getting away with" this behavior (as does Bob)and their behavior becomes more defiant. I plan to have Bob read the entire book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens as she reads super fast and this is nowhere near her first offense. I'm thinking of getting Bob into therapy for a little while but truthfully we can't afford the $25 copays. I'm skilled at therapeutic parenting now, but I'm used to the support of meds and a therapist.

OK, this is a really long post. I'm going to stop now. I'll tell you tomorrow how our 2 year anniversary goes!

If I were

1. If I were a liquid I’d be… snot. Allergies are killing me, and I’m feeling thick and yucky.
2. If I were a sin I’d be… gluttony. Can’t stop gaining weight!
3. If I were a gem/stone I’d be… a diamond in the rough. I know I’m sparkling and beautiful on the inside. I just need some work.
4. If I were a metal I’d be… copper. Turns beautiful colors when heat is applied.
5. If I were a tree I’d be… a mulberry tree. Filled with berries, some ripe and delicious, some unripe and will give you a tummy ache, some buggy.
6. If I were a flower I’d be… a morning glory. Sometimes has gorgeous brightly colored flowers, most of the time a persistent vine you can’t get rid of!
7. If I were weather I’d be… sleet. Not enough to leave beautiful snow, just enough to make the weather more miserable.
8. If I were a color I’d be… green. It has hundreds of different shades. Some beautiful and symbolizing growth and others putrid symbolizing rot and infection.
9. If I were a sound I’d be… that sound my daughter makes when she’s frustrated with the world, doesn't want to do what you're telling her to do, and thinks no one cares.
10. If I were a lyric I’d be… Anyway
Martina McBride/Brad Warren/Brett Warren (BMI)

You can spend your whole life buildin'
Somethin' from nothin'
One storm can come and blow it all away
Build it anyway

You can chase a dream
That seems so out of reach
And you know it might not ever come your way
Dream it anyway

(Chorus)
God is great, but sometimes life ain't good
When I pray it doesn't always turn out like I think it should
But I do it anyway
I do it anyway

This world's gone crazy and it's hard to believe
That tomorrow will be better than today
Believe it anyway
You can love someone with all your heart
For all the right reasons
And in a moment they can choose to walk away
Love 'em anyway

(Repeat Chorus)

You can pour your soul out singin'
A song you believe in
That tomorrow they'll forget you ever sang
Sing it anyway
Yeah sing it anyway

I sing
I dream
I love anyway.

11. If I were a scent I’d be… semi-sweet chocolate. Smells good, but could be better.
12. If I were a piece of clothing I’d be… 10 year old control top underwear. Still provides some support on a good day, but not 100% anymore.
13. If I were one of the four seasons I’d be… Winter. Cold and dismal right now, but you know Spring is just around the corner.

Yes, I realize I’m a little depressed right now. Don’t worry, I’m under the care of a doctor, and I’m working on it.