Daycare/ preschool teachers have a lot of the same issues as foster parents, like having to balance too many kids with issues (in TX the staff-to-child ratios are outrageous. You can have 11! two-year-olds with one teacher. 15! 3-year-olds and 25! 4- and 5-year-olds... add a second teacher and the numbers are even more outrageous.) Of course, teachers also can't spank and around here have to meet what Texas calls Minimum Standards just like foster parents.
I had offered our adoption agency to do a behavior modification training after our adoption was final, but I think they were just ecstatic to see the back of us. We had so many issues with our kids during the adoption process, issues that the agency couldn't handle.
Developmental/Emotional Age
I do have to say that in a lot of ways my teens are not all that different from toddlers, especially in how we discipline. To be stuck at a younger developmental age is pretty common for kids with trauma issues.
Someone asked me for advice on how to deal with a biting two-year-old, and I put a lot of thought into my answer so I figured I'd share it with you. As I've already mentioned, these discipline methods apply to my kids in a lot of ways - especially when you're looking at their developmental/emotional age or what happens when they are in "fight, flight, or freeze mode." {Preschool Behavior Management: Chapter 6 Abuse}
Toddler Biting
Two is way too young to expect empathy (understanding and caring what other people are feeling). While we can start teaching them to use their words for things like sharing, they won’t understand it yet. Empathy usually begins around age 3.
Toddlers usually bite for one of several reasons:
1. They are having trouble communicating with words. Toddlers often get frustrated because others don’t understand them, so they use their teeth or their fists to get their point across. As their vocabulary increases the violence will decrease.
Response - Try giving them the words they need. “He took your toy. You’re mad. Say, ‘Give it back, please.’” Sign language can help too (we used baby sign language - How To Teach Baby Sign Language).
2. They enjoy the reactions. When they bite, interesting things happen. Adults get all excited, children make cool noises, people run around… It’s like a cool toy that doesn’t need batteries and is always with them.
Response - It helps to minimize the caregiver's reactions – stay calm! Soothing the injured child while ignoring the biter (except to make sure everyone else is safe) often helps.
3. They’re bored. Try to keep them engaged and active, without being over-stimulated.
Response - Timeouts don’t work well for those under three (although it's better than spanking) so redirection is one of the best ways to handle negative behavior (and to prevent it). Another thing that works well is keeping them close to you with things like Time-Ins and Shadowing (we avoided treating this as a punishment, instead, the child is your "special helper" and stays within reach or holding your hand or pocket).
4. They’re overwhelmed.
Response - Try to avoid over-stimulating situations -- too many children, too loud, too many toys, high expectations, too much going on... Keep things simple and quiet. Keep multiples of popular toys (so they don't fight over a particular one). Only have out a few toys or one activity at a time.
5. It’s a habit.
Response - separating them from other children and remove the opportunity until they learn other things to do instead.
6. They’re teething – this is a time when molars start coming in.
Response - Baby teething toys and chewlry, especially ones kept cold are great to redirect the child to – we’ve even kept one on a pacifier string so that the child has it with them at all times.
7. Oral fixation - In Freudian psychology, oral fixation is caused by unmet oral needs in early childhood. This creates a persistent need for oral stimulation, causing negative oral behaviors (like smoking, chewing non-food items like pen caps, and nail-biting) in adulthood. We saw this a lot with our adopted son.
Response - Obviously, baby teething toys and chewlry were not strong enough to stand up to our adopted son's adolescent teeth! We bought him puppy chew toys and he thought they were awesome and hilarious. He used them for quite a while until he finally passed through this developmental stage.
8. HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)- They’re tired, hungry, or sick. Even my older children (and adults!) still act out when they are experiencing one or more of these.
Response - Stop (halt) and try to figure out what might be causing the behaviors. Do all you can to avoid/remedy these situations.
Toddler Discipline Techniques
1. “Biting back” - not recommended. Well-meaning people often suggest this and it may even seem to work, but only because the child is learning to be afraid of you! It’s like spanking. They don’t learn why not to do something, most of the time they don't understand cause and effect yet, they just learn fear.
2. Timeouts - not recommended. Timeouts don’t work well for those under three (although they’re better than spanking) so redirection is one of the best ways to handle negative behavior and avoid it. Timeouts don’t have to be sitting in a corner, at this age they can be put in a playpen, crib, high chair, or just separated from the others. Give them toys or books or something to do.
3. Time-ins - recommended. We often use “time-ins” where the child must stay near a caregiver at all times until we’re sure they are safe. They benefit from the extra attention too.
4. Redirection - recommended. Redirection is just like it sounds, finding another activity for the child to participate in and help them get engaged in it. If children tend to fight over a specific toy(s), having duplicates available is a big help.
5. Low-key, calm, controlled environment - recommended. If your kids react to overwhelming situations (restaurants, playgrounds, parties…) with violence - avoid it if at all possible. Try to be proactive and avoid situations you know lead to biting.
6. Lectures don’t work! I recommend limiting your words to one word for year of age. Two-year-olds, “No Bite!” or “Walking feet.” Three-year-olds, “Use your words.” or “Feet on floor.” You get the idea.
7. Try to stay positive instead of negative. “Use walking feet” instead of “Don’t run.” “Chairs are for sitting” instead of “Don’t stand on the chair.” “We use our mouth to talk, kiss and eat” instead of “Don’t bite.” When we start out with the word "Don't" many children see what follows as a good suggestion! (Running, standing on the table, biting... sounds like fun! What a great idea!)
8. Set up situations so you aren’t constantly saying No. Put away things toddlers need to stay away from (like knick-knacks, older kid’s toys, white upholstered chairs…).
Response - Obviously, baby teething toys and chewlry were not strong enough to stand up to our adopted son's adolescent teeth! We bought him puppy chew toys and he thought they were awesome and hilarious. He used them for quite a while until he finally passed through this developmental stage.
8. HALT (Hungry, Angry, Lonely, Tired)- They’re tired, hungry, or sick. Even my older children (and adults!) still act out when they are experiencing one or more of these.
Response - Stop (halt) and try to figure out what might be causing the behaviors. Do all you can to avoid/remedy these situations.
Toddler Discipline Techniques
1. “Biting back” - not recommended. Well-meaning people often suggest this and it may even seem to work, but only because the child is learning to be afraid of you! It’s like spanking. They don’t learn why not to do something, most of the time they don't understand cause and effect yet, they just learn fear.
2. Timeouts - not recommended. Timeouts don’t work well for those under three (although they’re better than spanking) so redirection is one of the best ways to handle negative behavior and avoid it. Timeouts don’t have to be sitting in a corner, at this age they can be put in a playpen, crib, high chair, or just separated from the others. Give them toys or books or something to do.
3. Time-ins - recommended. We often use “time-ins” where the child must stay near a caregiver at all times until we’re sure they are safe. They benefit from the extra attention too.
4. Redirection - recommended. Redirection is just like it sounds, finding another activity for the child to participate in and help them get engaged in it. If children tend to fight over a specific toy(s), having duplicates available is a big help.
5. Low-key, calm, controlled environment - recommended. If your kids react to overwhelming situations (restaurants, playgrounds, parties…) with violence - avoid it if at all possible. Try to be proactive and avoid situations you know lead to biting.
6. Lectures don’t work! I recommend limiting your words to one word for year of age. Two-year-olds, “No Bite!” or “Walking feet.” Three-year-olds, “Use your words.” or “Feet on floor.” You get the idea.
7. Try to stay positive instead of negative. “Use walking feet” instead of “Don’t run.” “Chairs are for sitting” instead of “Don’t stand on the chair.” “We use our mouth to talk, kiss and eat” instead of “Don’t bite.” When we start out with the word "Don't" many children see what follows as a good suggestion! (Running, standing on the table, biting... sounds like fun! What a great idea!)
8. Set up situations so you aren’t constantly saying No. Put away things toddlers need to stay away from (like knick-knacks, older kid’s toys, white upholstered chairs…).
Discipline Versus Behavior Problems
Discipline problems (noncompliance, misbehavior) occur when the caregivers have not structured the child's environment for success, or when parents are inconsistent (expectations or consequences), non-responsive, or inaccessible. When adults adjust their behaviors and attitudes, often children with discipline problems can be brought under control in as few as 3 to 7 days.
Behavior problems, on the other hand, lie within the child. These are persistent behaviors that do not disappear even with the best parenting (although good parenting can help to control the behaviors). These can include impulsivity, inattentiveness, and other behaviors like ADHD, FAD, and immature behaviors associated with missing capacities in object relations.
YOU CANNOT EXPECT PUNISHMENT OR DISCIPLINE
TO "FIX" BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS!
So how do you give consequences to a child who doesn't know what you're talking about and has little to no control over his/ her behaviors?
FOCUS ON PREVENTION NOT CONSEQUENCES. I finally realized that the need for consequences and punishment for my child was my problem. I knew they weren't having any effect on my child except to damage our relationship (if you're being punished for something you don't even remember doing then it must be happening because your parent is mad at you/ rejecting you... because you're unloveable and unworthy of love).
2 comments:
My eldest son had a biting streak for awhile until he bit the dog. That stopped it cold.
And "Use walking feet" is the funniest thing I ever heard. it sounds like something you'd say to an space alien.
Realized I have twice referenced your fabulous BURNING HUT post to others and thought I should probably stop lurking and be a public follower of your very helpful, real and informative blog.
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