18 is Not the Finish Line

There is so much pressure for us as parents of teens to try to heal our children and get them completely ready for adulthood by age 18. In reading a couple of blogs including Parenting 24/7 recently, I was reminded of this, and I know I am guilty of it too. It took many many years of trauma for our children to get to this point, and we can't expect them to be totally healed in just a few short years.

We want them to have all the life skills they need. We want them to be emotionally healed and ready for relationships. We want them to be ready to be independent. 

Magical Age of Adulthood
For some reason with our children, we tend to feel like this has to be done at the magic age of 18. 

Maybe because my children bluster about walking out the door the minute they turn 18. Maybe because that's when society declares them adults. 

Expiration Date on Parenting
Maybe because I know that, unlike my birth children, they don't trust/expect me to be there after they turn 18 so I feel I have to "fix" them while I can. My biokids fully expect us to continue to be their parents (and adviser, supporter, loan officer, therapist, nanny….) through college, after they get married, and on and on forever.

Did you graduate high school totally ready to be an adult? I know I didn't. Not only does our brain continue to develop on into our mid-twenties, but our hearts grow too. We made so many mistakes that we want to protect our children from. 

I know for me, I want to be the one to help my children heal. That's probably a little selfish on my part.

Their healing must continue on after they leave our home. All we can do is leave the door open.

ALMOST AN ADULT
There is a LOT of pressure to "lighten up" and give our kids the "freedom" to make mistakes, because "he's going to have to deal with the real world soon."

I believe that if we give children privileges and "freedom" that they're not ready for that we are deliberately putting them in harm's way. Contrary to popular opinion, I do not have my children on so short a leash that they can't mess up. I just try to keep them on a short enough leash that they can't hang themselves.

Many people look at our children, especially one who has lots of structure and support (and therefore is emotionally regulated and doing well) and don't/can't see the brain damage, dysfunction, and emotional immaturity. They don't understand the child's diagnosis or diagnoses, or only recognize a small part of the whole  - usually only a part that they're familiar with. [Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Children Can't Handle]

OVERLAPPING DIAGNOSES
I'm often told, "People with Intellectual Developmental Disabilities can live normal lives" and "people with Bipolar Disorder can live normal lives" and "people with __________ can live normal lives"... Yes, they can! But that doesn't take into account ALL my child's issues. There is a limited understanding of how these diagnoses interact with each other and how they interact with trauma.  [Overlapping Diagnoses in Children]

It doesn't help that kids of trauma hide their "issues" (Kitty would literally rather die than let others see her issues), can honeymoon for long periods of time, and their charming others can be a "life or death feeling" defense mechanism (If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect, You'll Leave).

There is a lot of pressure when our kids are teens to believe that since they are practically an adult, then we need to let them discover that they can't act this way in the "real world." 
Pressure to give them the freedom and privileges that come with being an adult and assume the Natural Consequences of messing up and making poor choices will teach the child to make better choices. They don't get that our kids often don't/ can't make the connection that their choices have consequences or don't have the control needed to keep from making those choices.

Assuming that they get any consequences at all -
What my child learned from not getting consequences from school 


LEARNING TO SWIM BEFORE BEING THROWN IN THE OCEAN

Like many people in Bear's life, Hubby doesn't see, and/ or understand, Bear's brain damage and dysfunction. He thinks the school's testing of Bear's IQ and abilities are wrong (he sees areas where Bear's hypervigilance and street smarts help him accomplish things that someone with Bear's "alleged" issues "shouldn't" be able to do. He thinks Bear deliberately "dumbs down" to make life easier on himself).  He also strongly believes that since Bear is practically an adult, we need to let him discover that he can't act this way in the real world. I think this is like teaching Bear to swim by throwing him in the ocean.

I've tried to explain to Hubby that Bear can't learn by watching everyone else swim. That despite his age and size he needs to go back to the baby pool and get over his fear of water by splashing around. That someone (us) needs to help him form each and every stroke and have him practice, practice, practice. That he may never be able to swim in the ocean and just because he's going to be there soon is no reason to skip steps or not take advantage of the little time left that we have in which we can force him into the baby pool.

I know I've talked before about the differences between Hubby and my child-rearing philosophies. After the Katharine Leslie seminars, this has become even more apparent. Katharine says we must teach, reteach, and have them practice everything. Until the child is ready to become part of the family his or her world should be pretty small (Basic Accommodations vs Luxury) and in relationships, there should be correspondent exchanges vs complementary. This is counter-intuitive in a lot of ways and most definitely is NOT FAIR.

"Fairness" is everyone getting what they need. Fairness is not equal.

BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS VS DISCIPLINE PROBLEMS

Discipline problems (noncompliance, misbehavior) occur when the caregivers have not structured the child's environment for success, or when parents are inconsistent (expectations or consequences), non-responsive, or inaccessible. When adults adjust their behaviors and attitudes, often children with discipline problems can be brought under control in as few as 3 to 7 days.
Behavior problems on the other hand, lie within the child. These are persistent behaviors that do not disappear even with the best parenting (although good parenting can help to control the behaviors). These can include impulsivity, inattentiveness, and other behaviors like ADHD, FAD and immature behaviors associated with missing capacities in object relations.

We need to take into account that children with trauma issues may not be able to learn from mistakes. They may not ask for or accept help or training. One of the biggest issues though is that many of our kids' main difficulty is NOT with something he/she can be taught how to do or not do. The biggest problem is often Impulse Control.

Bear can be walking along doing exactly what he's supposed to do. He can have earned his way up to pretty high levels of privileges. When all of the sudden... WHAM! He gets an impulse to do something he's not supposed to (take something, lie, go somewhere...), and he does it. No amount of behavior modification training, anger management classes, talk therapy, EMDR, good parenting... has any effect. He's not thinking about why he should or shouldn't do something he just does it.

After the impulse, he makes choices. Whether to admit to it, lie, cover it up, manipulate, run away... these choices are the things that all of the therapy and skills training (CBT/ DBT) and whatever, can actually have an effect on. (Of course, sometimes he also makes conscious decisions to make a "bad" choice too).

So that's the problem. What do you do with someone with almost no impulse control? All the training and therapeutic parenting in the world are not going to "fix" or prevent that.

Cliffs and Fences

When you have a young child who tends to leap before he looks, then you control his environment - you don't remove every obstacle. You make sure he has little things to leap off of so he will learn to look before he leaps. (He learns to look because he discovers that when he doesn't he usually falls and gets hurt). You do NOT, however, move to a house on the side of a cliff. If you must live on a cliff then you put up a big fence and you keep your child inside that fence. If you didn't and your child jumped off the cliff then who is morally responsible for the death of the child? Even if the child deliberately jumped off the cliff, it is, of course, the parent who is responsible for the child

I have a child who is a known leaper. We live in a world full of "cliffs." If I put my son behind the wheel of a car, knowing that at any moment he could choose to turn left without looking, then I am endangering not only his life but the lives of those around him. 

For this reason, I choose not to enable him to get his permit and deliberately put up roadblocks.

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We tried EMDR therapy with both of our children for a while. We found it was overwhelming for Kitty and had to drop it. Yes, she needs to process this trauma, but she obviously is not ready for it. Bear just flat refused to participate. This is one of those times when I have to remember that all of their healing does not have to be done right now.

Right now, I have to remember that even after almost three years we still need to focus on attachment and relationships. I read a blog recently mentioning that when you first bring a child into your home, you wouldn't shouldn't be focusing on behaviors like fixing their table manners on day one; instead, you should be focusing on attaching and bonding. Playing, laughing, joking, getting to know each other is more important than rules and reprimands. (Post about Katharine Leslie's views about Securing Attachment)

Now, we do have consequences and restitution, but I try to remember that loving fun is important too. There is a great family blogging about the process of adopting a teen that helps me remember this too.

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BIOFAMILY
One thing I hear a lot is that the child plans/ threatens to go back to the birth parents (Why Do Adopted Kids Go Back To Birth Family?) as soon as they are old enough. I try to remember that if they do go back to birthmom they take me with them. They will view their biomom knowing what a different life is like - having someone who cares about them no matter what they do or say, holds them accountable, provides the structure and support they need, and doesn't give up on them.

I never run down the birth parents in front of my child, no matter how tempting.

I know how important it was to me that my mom never put down my dad. Theirs was a bitter divorce and there were lots of times Mom could have presented herself as better to not have to listen to my sister or I rave about our dad. 

Kids love their birth parents no matter what. They're biologically wired that way. We all are.

I'm not totally protecting my daughter from what happened that led to her entering the foster care system, but at the same time, I know it would damage my relationship with her if I told her that biomom was a bad person. So instead we talk about bad choices biomom may have made, and possible reasons she might have acted the way she did. 

Not judging biomom, but at the same time being VERY CLEAR that it was NOT the child's fault either. My kids have enough guilt that I will never be able to touch in the time we have (there I go again sounding like it all ends at 18!). That is something they will hopefully deal with at some point in their lives.

**************

AGE-APPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS

Trauma can cause significant delays in development (emotionally, socially, intellectually...).  Frequent moves and other traumatic life events can also cause delays or even get them stuck.  Most kids with PTSD (and brain damage from RAD) have a tough time with processing, memory, object permanence, emotional regulation... 

We need to parent our children based on where the child IS versus where they “should be.”  When trying to determine your child’s emotional age, and therefore your expectations, it helps to be aware of the typical development stages (Age 6 to young adult developmental stages)

Parent your child where they ARE, even if that means treating a teen like a 6-year-old.  Or a 4-year-old like a toddler.  They may find normal kid stuff overwhelming - we had to keep our children's rooms stripped to the essentials, avoid overwhelming places like grocery stores and birthday parties, and avoid letting them get tired or hungry...  

Once your child physically becomes an older teen or young adult. This becomes a fine line to walk - think tightrope!

"NORMAL" ADOLESCENT DEVELOPMENTAL PHASES

DETERMINING IDENTITY - WHO AM I?
I know in high school I changed personalities a lot. I tried them on like roles in a play. I moved a lot (like the kids) which made this easier to do. I thought of myself as a chameleon and didn't think I had a set personality – it changed according to who I was with and what I wanted to do. I do think this eventually made me a stronger person. I wasn't locked into an image or stereotype. As I got older, I grew out of this and finally have a strong, positive sense of self. 

SEPARATING FROM FAMILY / FLUCTUATING BETWEEN INDEPENDENCE AND DEPENDENCE) 

I want to let my children know they can change their minds. They may see themselves as "the tough guy," "the victim," "sweet and loving"… sometimes changing on a minute by minute basis. They may be horrible to me one day and act as though nothing happened an hour later, and that's probably part of their illnesses. Maybe they really don't remember. Maybe they're being manipulative. I'm still going to act as though I know they love me. We will discuss repercussions; there are always consequences for the choices they make. I will not make them say they love me, but at the same time, I will not allow them to be disrespectful.

PUSHING US AWAY SO THE SEPARATION WON'T HURT AS BADLY

Bear is going through an "I don't need a family and I'm faking it" phase. While I don't think he is bonded to us, I know he is not completely disconnected either. When he says he doesn't want our family/me/any relationships, it hurts like crazy, but I work hard to keep him from seeing it. I don't want him to feel he succeeded in pushing us away. That's a terrifying unsafe feeling.

Bear did admit in therapy last week that he knew I cared about him (even though he tried to negate it in the next breath by talking about how mean I am). I hope that is enough to get him to return to us in the future. I hope that he builds on this in the future.


SO WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT?!

I wish I had the perfect answer. I wish the perfect answer existed. Here are some things we did (or wish we had done earlier):

RE-PRIORITIZE
Looking back, I wish I had changed my priorities. I realize now that by focusing all of my attention and energy on a child who may or may not heal enough to function as an adult, I sacrificed too much. Maybe I could have or did "fix" my child, but at what cost? My own health, my marriage, my other children (especially the less "squeaky wheels")... all suffered. [Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage, Your Family as a Whole, and Your Child - In That Order!] 

Of course, hindsight is 20/20. I felt a lot of guilt over not "fixing" my children but also about how devoting everything I had to trying to help them heal hurt all of us. I had major CTS [Continuous Traumatic Stress] and PTSD from it all. [Caregiver/ Compassion Fatigue, PTSD, Secondary PTSD] My other children all had varying issues caused by living with emotionally disturbed, mentally ill family members, or having undetected issues (for example, Ponito's ADD was undiagnosed until he was 17 and there were other signs of illness and abuse that I missed in him and the other children), or feeling neglected/ abandoned because my focus was elsewhere or I was overwhelmed and shut down.

LET IT GO
At age 18, my children were not ready to heal or be "fixed." I had several choices. I could feel guilty and miserable about it... or I could release that guilt and anger, knowing that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. No one else was going to give me permission to do that. Almost everyone was telling me what I "should" or "should not" do and oftentimes those things were conflicting!

So here's my permission (not that you need it) to LET IT GO! 

You Have Not Failed - I reread this post so often, especially over the first 2 years after my son moved out and I realized I didn't want anything to do with him (my abuser). It reminded me to release the guilt that created. What kind of mom doesn't want to be around her child?! One who needs to heal. 

At What Point Do You Let Go?
Detachment Parenting the Adult Child

Self-Care! - Take care of yourself. Remember the things you used to love and love about yourself. Pick up or pick back up hobbies. Do fun and healing things. Go to therapy. You're allowed to be someone besides Mom - you have many names. Daughter, friend, wife, mentor, artist... 

Then what happened?

I Redefined Success. 

Like many moms, success for my children meant college, finding a career they loved and that supported them in a lifestyle similar to what they have now, finding true love, getting married, living near me (but not with me!), having children... preferably in this order!  Basically living "happily ever after." When I realized that this was not the path Bear and Kitty were on, or even capable of, I grieved. A lot. Then I took a deep breath and redefined success for each of my children individually. [Finding the Joy]

My kids are now 26, 24, 23, and 21. I can second guess everything I did and didn't do but overall they healed (or didn't) without me. I definitely had some influence, but the rest had to be left up to them.

Bear(26) has been mostly incarcerated since just before he turned 19. It took me a while but now I realize that he needs this. He can't live without the structure that we could no longer provide. His only choices to get that structure were the military or prison, and he wasn't eligible for the military. I no longer feel guilty about this happening, I choose to recognize that it was our influence on him that meant:

• He's still alive. This is a major accomplishment. He had a death wish when we met him. Many doubted that he would make it alive to 18. 
• He went to prison for a non-violent crime. [Jail/ Prison]
• Years of being on the right medication gave him the chance to develop, learn, and mature. For most of his life, he was living in a "war zone." Long after the trauma and abuse ended, he was still living with it. Stuck with dysfunctional defense mechanisms, negative self-image, and a feeling that the world was against him.
• He has a high school diploma. He may never be able to keep a job that requires one but at least this gives him options.
• He has some trust. He occasionally reaches out to us for things other than money. 

Kitty(almost 25) - As she approaches the age when the brain is finally fully developed, Kitty has come a LOOOONNNGG way  - in ways I'd feared she would never be capable of achieving. I helped her a lot to get here but some of it just took time.

Some of our journey:

LEGAL ISSUES

**Getting SSI for an Adult Child****Marriage and SSI Benefits**

**Legal Guardianship**

ADULTHOOD

**Adult Attachment Disorders**

**Borderline Personality Disorder**

**How to Get Treated Like an Adult**

**Vulnerable Adult "Abuse"**

PARENTING AN ADULT CHILD

**Detachment Parenting An Adult Child**

**Therapeutically Parenting the "Adult" Child**

LIVING AT HOME
**Boarder Agreement**

**18 Is Not The Finish Line**

**When an Adult Child Moves Out*

**"Adult" Boarder vs Family Girl**

**Simple Rules For Adult Children Living At Home**

BIOFAMILY

**Running To Birth Family**
**Why Do They Go Back to Birth Family?**

• Kitty is living with her fiancé and her 3 cats and they are getting ready to move from their apartment to a rental house. She feels safe. [Safety First]
• She is taking online classes at the local community college that she registers for all on her own. She's found a way to deal with her crippling anxiety and continue her education.
• She pays her bills and manages her own money. She calls me for small loans/gifts occasionally and I'm still her SSI rep payee, so I do help her with that, but in general, she's got a handle on it.
• She is taking care of her own mental health. She is stable on her meds, schedules and attends appointments with her psychiatrist independently, and has a therapist she sees through a Skype-type program.
• She recognizes and gets emotional support. She calls me often for emotional support but she also has a support system made up of friends and family.

The biokids, Bob(23) and Ponito(21) are mostly on the path I dreamed of for all of my children, but if/when they step off that path that will be OK too.

What is EMDR?

We tried EMDR therapy with myself and Kitty and Bear to help with PTSD. My totally layman way of looking at it is that when you think of something traumatic, your body reacts as though you were reliving it (accelerated heart rate, tense muscles, adrenaline rush... all extremely unpleasant). EMDR doesn't make what happened go away, but it kind of distracts your nervous system from physically and emotionally reacting, allowing you to process the incident. You do not even have to talk to the therapist about the incident, merely bring it to the forefront of your mind.

I don't know how it works exactly though. My understanding is that once you have gone through the event then it is processed. You will still remember it, but it will no longer feel traumatic (no more night terrors, avoiding things that might be triggers, or other coping methods).

There are different techniques too. Our therapist used "TheraTappers" which are small oval shaped objects about the size of a key fob that you hold in your hands (or you can slip under your legs when your hands get sweaty). The tappers vibrate (like a pager) in your hands, back and forth between hands. You can control the speed of the alternation. Once when the battery was low it went really fast, and actually got Kitty all riled up. With me, sometimes the therapist just tapped with her finger in the palm of my hand alternately. I've heard some therapists can just move an object like a pencil slowly back and forth. The point seems to be the back and forth motion making the eyes move back and forth like REM sleep.

EMDR is especially good for people who have been raped, in a car accident, soldiers, or something else traumatic. Single events might only need 1-2 sessions. Years of extreme, prolonged trauma like what my children experienced could take years of EMDR therapy to process.

When my daughter tried EMDR, she was apparently not at a point where she could handle discussing her trauma at all, and had some major regression (some of this may have been because I led the sessions - and being used to attachment therapy - apparently forced her to stay focused past what she could process).

Our son tried it, but refused to actually participate so we dropped it. I used it a little, and it helped me calm down on days when I came to therapy and my normal life was overwhelming me(yes, that's every day).

All in all I recommend it for kids (and adults) with PTSD, even though it didn't really work for us (at this time).

Here is the explanation from EMDRIA.ORG: http://www.emdria.org/displaycommon.cfm?an=1&subarticlenbr=2

EMDR seems to have a direct effect on the way that the brain processes information. Normal information processing is resumed, so following a successful EMDR session, a person no longer relives the images, sounds, and feelings when the event is brought to mind. You still remember what happened, but it is less upsetting. Many types of therapy have similar goals. However, EMDR appears to be similar to what occurs naturally during dreaming or REM (rapid eye movement) sleep. Therefore, EMDR can be thought of as a physiologically based therapy that helps a person see disturbing material in a new and less distressing way.

I don't think anyone is sure why it works. One explanation is that EMDR is mimicking the bilateral eye movement that occurs in REM sleep (studies indicate that REM sleep plays a key role in memory consolidation.) However, traumatic memories do not get processed in the typical way. Instead of getting fuzzier over time as most memories do, traumatic memories stay vivid. EMDR helps to move the traumatic memory into the typical processing thus allowing the memory to "soften" in its recollection.

Attachment therapy comment

"Have you ever thought that you might not have the relationship you want with your children because of the therapy and parenting methods you are using? Attachment Therapy is not lawful in Texas. It is denounced as abusive by the American Psychological Association's Division on Child Maltreatment and by APSAC. These organizations claim Attachment Therapy is not appropriate for any child and advise child welfare workers to investigate where it is used as "suspected abuse." While Attachment Therapy gets a lot of word of mouth and Internet space, you aren't going to find any reputable journal publishing research recommending it. Quite the contrary. And EMDR hasn't been shown to have anymore benefit than just talking to a therapist. This is quackery -- expensive quackery. Your family has been exploited by it. You should know that any of your children treated with Attachment Therapy will have grounds to sue you and your husband on reaching age 18. - Linda"

I wanted to address this comment.

There are many different methods of attachment therapy. The therapy we use is not "holding therapy" or "rebirth" therapy - which are the controversial therapies where some of the children have died. In fact I do not know anyone that uses rebirth therapy anymore. My children are not forced to stay in their rooms for long periods of time, or even do strong sitting (a yoga pose that is supposed to be very helpful). We focus instead on understanding their behavior, reassuring their fears, loving them even when they are abusive (but not letting them hurt themselves or others), keeping them close (often line of sight supervision), and helping them work through their pain.

When we first got our children they were 11 and 13. We had never heard of RAD, and had very little knowledge of attachment disorders, despite my being a licensed LMSSW (social worker). On adoption.com I found the special needs forum and they gave me a LOT of great information and advice.

Our first therapist was a female talk/play therapist. It was not a good match and the kids did not respond. We decided to try attachment therapy and looked for a male therapist for our son, but couldn't find one that took our insurance. We found a good "talk" therapist for him that "gets" him and holds him accountable. At 15 and with RAD (among other diagnoses) I do not see a big need for attachment therapy for our son (although I use many of the techniques I learn with his sister when I can). I think it is "too late" in his development to expect him to truly attach to us. We of course continue to mentor (and of course love) him and show him what a healthy family looks like. Now that he has received treatment for his bipolar disorder he is able to stay stable enough to function in our family. I still hold out hope that we can access and help him heal from more of his "issues" before he leaves our home.

For our daughter we found an attachment therapist who was willing to take us on despite the fact that she wasn't covered by the children's insurance. At the time, we thought the children's adoptions would be soon so she waited until our daughter got Texas Medicaid. One and a half years later our daughter was adopted and this amazing therapist is finally getting paid! She is absolutely amazing!

At the beginning of attachment therapy we experimented a little with having my daughter lie in my lap and make eye contact. She couldn't handle it and couldn't do it. We have had to restrain my daughter (not holding therapy), but this was using the techniques I was trained in by our adoption agency and only to keep our daughter safe from hurting herself.

Attachment therapy has mostly consisted of helping our daughter learn who she is really angry with (biomom and her abusive men) and keeping her attachment to me a focus and priority. Eye contact was something we worked on a lot - it took a long time. We worked our way up to Kitty allowing me to touch her and sit next to her. At the end of two years, Kitty will still not let me hug her in public, but she will occasionally actually seek me out for affection, helping her with injuries and problems, and has developed some trust. Even though she said in therapy that she doesn't trust me, and this hurts, I do believe that she was mostly being dramatic. I know she doesn't trust me as my biokids do, but she is able to admit now that I have her best interest at heart.

Because of my adopted children I have developed discipline methods that I find to be better and safer then the methods used by many of my friends with "normal" kids. My children are NEVER spanked. We work on concepts like restitution, behavior management, writing skills, family and friend relationship development, and other life skills. We do "time-ins" instead of "time-outs." My children would have no ground on which to sue me for abuse.

As for EMDR therapy I have undergone this myself, and disagree with you completely. There are many things about our body that science does not have an explanation for - this does not mean that it is not true. I have watched my daughter address issues in EMDR therapy that we have previously (attempted to) discuss in talk or attachment therapy - which she was not able to handle and began a fight, flight or freeze reaction (both my kids have severe PTSD). In EMDR therapy she is able to talk about these issues without immediately dissociating or completely losing it. I'm not saying EMDR is a "perfect cure," but it has definitely helped us make advances and work through issues that she previously couldn't handle. My only wish is that I could combine her AT who knows her VERY well (but after 1 1/2 years of helping Kitty address things that upset her appears to occasionally inadvertantly set off an episode just by triggering a memory of past sessions) with her EMDR therapist.

I know that there is more that I could be doing to help my children heal (as evidenced by my amazing friend Lisa), but I have to balance their needs with that of the family as a whole. I also know that they are severely "damaged" children who came to me as older children - which makes healing even harder for them. I am doing my best to help them as much as I can, considering the difficult circumstances that they have grown up with. I will never give up on them, and I know that while they will never trust or love like my bio children can, I have to believe that I make a difference in their lives.

Kitty Therapy

The original plan for Kitty's therapy was for her to go to EMDR therapy for the Summer and then go back to attachment therapy. She was having a lot of issues with her PTSD (post-traumatic stress syndrome) and dissociating and meltdowns. We watched a video of how EMDR works and it basically said 2-3 session and the person was able to process the event(s) without the emotional turmoil. So I have been pushing the sessions to get Kitty to address her biggest triggers/ issues.

I talked to Kitty's attachment therapist about setting up appointments again, and she asked if I had talked to the EMDR therapist about it. Well, no, I'm a big e-mail communicator and the EMDR therapist is not, plus she's a super busy person. She reads this blog sometimes though! So tonight, I/we pushed Kitty through another session (we've been alternating difficult with easier sessions and tonight was scheduled to be a tough one), and then sent Kitty out of the room for a talk.

Oops! Basically the EMDR for a single event (like a rape or car accident) is 2-3 sessions. For long-term trauma and abuse it could take more like 2 years. Guess which the therapist was predicting for Kitty?!

Kitty is much better. She no longer obviously dissociates when we talk about birth mom or her abusive men -before, she wouldn't answer and would focus on anything else in the room, would change the subject, would walk/run away, and even got violent. Now she stays put, and only sometimes says, "I don't remember."

I was very interested in working on Kitty's somatic issues with the attachment therapist (something we were just starting when Kitty switched to EMDR therapy), but according to the EMDR therapist Kitty is not ready yet. That basically her lack of awareness about her body (not sensing hunger, food on her face, not caring about body odor, not being ticklish, actually inviting others to hurt her by pinching or hitting her to prove that it doesn't hurt her...) is part of her dissociating behavior, and that when she is (much) further along we'll see a dramatic improvement in her awareness of her body.

So now I'm thinking it would be great if I could see Kitty's attachment therapist to help and support me in continuing to provide the therapeutic parenting and deal with attachment issues, while Kitty and I continue with her EMDR therapy. The only problem is that the attachment therapist is not on our health insurance. She would be paid through TX Medicaid which of course I don't have. I'll call her today and see if we have any alternatives.

Squeak!

New baby

Well Bear and Kitty's mom had her baby. She sent me pictures of the baby and one of the kids' younger sisters. First time she's communicated with me since she told me she was disappointed the baby was going to be another girl because she wanted to give Bear a little brother. I felt like she's been treating me like a foster parent and had gotten sick of it. So I told her that I had given Bear a little brother, and a sister for Kitty to play with. I told her I just wanted her to know that the children had a family who loved them and siblings to play with and they were happy. That was in May.

I showed the pictures to Kitty in therapy tonight. She was interested in the picture of her older sisters and how much the 10 year old looks like her. She commented on how the girls have lost their baby fat and are slim like Kitty now. She thinks the baby has her nose, we talked about whether or not that meant Kitty probably has the same nose that biomom does. There were no pictures of biomom, but you could see someone's hand in one of the baby pictures. Kitty thinks she recognizes biomom's fingernails. We then had an in-depth discussion about fingernails and stinky feet. Therapy's not all therapeutic!

At one point in the conversation, Kitty pointed to each of the girls, including the new baby and said you are going to adopt her, and her, and her. This is so hard to watch.

We also talked about the book that Kitty is reading called "The Stuff Stars are Made Of." This is a library book she got with Grandma. The back gives no clue what the story is about so I can't complain to Mom, but... The book is about a girl and her younger brother who are left with the Grandmother and the Mom just takes off. The grandmother is very old and the girl is basically raising the brother, even enrolls him in school herself. One day the boy doesn't get off the bus, and the girl calls the school pretending to be the mother as usual. The school starts asking questions because the Mother picked up the boy at school for a doctor appointment. At the point in the story where Kitty is, the boy hasn't been home for 3 days. The girl has talked to the biodad who she's never met because he's in jail. When he gets out on patrol (parole, but Kitty has trouble with her reading!), he goes looking for the boy.

Kitty tells the therapist about the book and comments how it is similar to biomom. Biomom often left them in the care of others. She insists that the book is not upsetting her at all. *sigh* I don't know how much to protect them, or even how to protect them both at this point.

Kitty confessed that she sleeps better and gets up fine when she goes to sleep at midnight, which she claims to do often. *heavy sigh*

I sent an e-mail to biomom thanking her for the pictures and asking if the baby is OK since she appears to be in an incubator or something medical. Kitty wants to start sending e-mails to her little sisters. I told her it was OK as long as she understood that I needed to be able to review biomom's e-mails first because in the past she has blamed the kids for their removal from the home. Kitty says she knows now that it is not her fault she was put in foster care and it doesn't matter to her if biomom says it. I'm totally torn. Kitty wants the new baby to know who she is, and she wants to communicate to her sister's more often. Since up until now that means only talking to them when they are with the grandparents (2-3 times a year) she misses them a lot.

I think this therapy session was tougher on me than Kitty. Maybe I should insist on EMDR paddles for me too!

Mary

Kitty Meltdown

Kitty reminds me of a Chow I used to own (Chows only have 2 people in their life one person who is master that they obey and one playmate - everyone else does not exist - and they do not play with master or obey the playmate).

Kitty has certain people she Obeys (me and Hubby) - she'll whine, complain, tattle, and meltdown, but she'll do what we tell her to, if we insist - this was a long time coming by the way! She does trust us a little, but only allows hugs and affection on her terms. This is why I think of her as a cat!

She has certain people she idolizes - (Mrs M. our neighbor who is also her teacher at the private school; Aunt Christy who she wants as her mom because she "gives her kids thirty dollars a week in allowance for doing nothing Mom!"; Aunt Tammy a family friend who she wants as a mom because she isn't very strict with her son who is Ponito's age) - basically people who rarely tell her what to do and are very sweet about it if they do ask. She'll do almost anything for these people - even clean! She particularly likes to show them affection -especially in front of me - very pointedly letting me know she won't hug me, she'd rather hug them.

She has people she HATES (Grandma who Kitty insists favors Ponito because he's the baby and is always "yelling" at Kitty - FYI, for Kitty, any criticism or lack of praise is yelling; Mrs. P at school who Kitty says is alway yelling at her and telling her she's doing her work wrong; and anyone who is not currently her BFF - kids fall on and off her pedestal faster than Bear goes through Kleenex girls (that's another story!). Kitty's siblings are often members of this group.

There is really no one else in Kitty's life - everyone fits in one of these categories. She is a very passionate child.

It helps for me to remember that because of the past trauma she is emotionally only about 6 years old. If she is worked up about something - even younger. I think in some ways both she and Bear understand that they are different, and accept it. Most 15 year olds would not expect to have as much restriction on thier life as ours do (they are not even allowed to cross the street, they can only watch G rated shows for the most part, they can't have friends over without direct supervision, they can't go anywhere without adult supervision - and adults are Hubby and I and sometimes Grandma, not other people's parents). Our children rarely even complain about it. Truthfully I think they feel safer because of it. It can make parenting two totally healthy, "normal" kids like Bob and Ponito more challenging though. They end up with much more restriction and consequences then they probably should. All in the interest of keeping it "fair." Not that my kids would EVER say the word "FAIR" - thanks to the FAIR Club (I'll tell you about that some other time!).

This morning Kitty was exhausted and mad because we made her get up early even though she's not going to school yet. I knew we were going to have trouble because today was her first day at Grandma's house with Bob, doing their schoolwork.

Before therapy she got into trouble for tattling on Ponito's behavior while Grandma was supervising. Hubby came down on her kind of hard because she was being particularly obnoxious and justifying it by saying she was protecting Bob (who at 5'7" and 167lbs is perfectly capable of taking care of herself, especially from her little brother.) All the way to therapy I heard about how mean Grandma is and how much Grandma hates Kitty. What can you say besides, "No, Grandma doesn't hate you. Why do you think she might have said that? What were you doing at the time?" Of course all I hear is Kitty's side, to be honest though Grandma has gotten pretty tired of dealing with Kitty, and probably is a little hypercritical.

In therapy we watched a video on EMDR, but didn't have time to actually try it yet. I can't wait! The therapist got to see Kitty in all her oppositional defiant disorder glory for the second session in a row (last week Kitty insisted she was starving and ended up eating grass and chewing on her own arm). This is not her attachment therapist, who we love, this is a therapist who specializes in trauma work. I could see the therapist getting a little tired of Kitty's attitude too. At one point she asked Kitty, "Do you realize how many times you've asked for something? I'm going to keep track in my mind of the number of times you ask for Mom to give you something." Kitty was supposed to be talking about things that made her happy in her childhood. During the prior 2 minute conversation she asked -

1. "Can I go to the public highschool?" - she's in 7th grade and knows I think she does better in private school.

2. "Can you please get me the Jonas Brothers CD? Why don't you like them? I'm going to ask Aunt Christie to give it to me."

3. "Can I have a pizza?" This was random and what prompted the therapist to comment on the questioning.

I commented on the fact that all the questions had one thing in common. They were all questions she knew I would answer NO to.

We see the psychiatrist tomorrow and I think we are going to request another med increase for Kitty. The mood swings are getting wilder, and the therapist warned us to expect behavior issues to increase as we start this type of therapy.

Better get some sleep,

Mary