Still Not Out of the Woods

Another letter to the school and other people involved in Kitty's care

I’ve talked to {Mr. AP, the school assistant principal} about the IEP meeting decision to have Kitty assessed by {the special school Bear attends} not happening. {The school psychologist} passed the buck mentioned this was {Ms.P, Kitty's school case manager's} responsibility to arrange, but apparently no one had realized that Ms. P has been out due to family issues, and probably won’t be back until later in the week. Mr. AP said he would make sure the forms would get filled out so that the assessments could get started.

I also want to make sure that Kitty has been re-enrolled in English and World Geography instead of study skills so that she can get credit for the work she’s doing, now that she’s making it to those classes. Mr. AP mentioned this confusion on Wednesday, and I want to officially put it in writing that we’ve agree to this, and make sure the teachers are aware of it as well. (According to Kitty the teachers
are under the impression that she is still enrolled in study skills {and therefore won't get credit for actually completing the classes - just credit for a study skills class, even though she's in those teacher's classrooms doing work for those teacher's class - in addition to her other make-up work).

Also, if someone could give me a heads up on Kitty’s finals week schedule as soon as possible that would be greatly appreciated so I can coordinate this with the other kids’ schedules (Bear needs to be supervised) and move Kitty’s psychiatrist appointment if absolutely necessary (currently it’s Tuesday morning).

FYI, I picked up Kitty early from last period on Friday because she called me with a “sore throat and a headache.” When I asked Kitty why her throat hurt, at first she said she didn’t know why. Then later she told me she’d had a “screaming contest” with a friend. Two days later she told me that she’d made that up, but the hitting contest she’d told Hubby about as having happened Thursday, she said really did happen. {This is unusual as Kitty doesn't normally lie} She claimed she and another girl were “fake punching” each other in the arm and stomach, and that at one point the other girl hit Kitty “too hard” in the stomach. Whichever events actually happened, I think it’s obvious that Kitty’s boundaries and social skills are still a
mess.

Although this last med change has obviously helped Kitty (we’ve all enjoyed actually seeing her smile again!), Kitty also had several severe meltdowns over the weekend -- to the point we almost called the crisis hotline. Luckily, with our warnings and help, she was able to teeter on the edge and pull back just enough to keep us unable to justify the additional overwhelming anxiety and trauma this would cause.

The meltdowns were triggered by the fact that Bear, her brother, is not sleeping well and therefore was in an irritable, intimidating and rude mood. He did not do or say much of anything to Kitty, but he lost his cool with me (in front of her). I was able to get him out of the house with Hubby, but not in time to keep Kitty from being triggered and anxious. We decided that Bear's behavior was not bad enough for him to lose the privilege of spending the night at Grandma’s and he was in a good enough place to be safe with Grandma and the other kids, but that Kitty was so hypersensitive to him that she wouldn’t be able to tolerate being around him. So we
kept Kitty home from Grandma’s Saturday night – which she took to mean that we didn’t love her and that we were punishing her – which led to another serious meltdown. The last meltdown ended with me supervising her until she finally fell asleep under her bed (don’t ask!).

Thanks for keeping everyone in the loop guys!
Mary

We're still hoping to talk the state of Nebraska (where the kids were adopted from) into paying for partial day hospitalization for Kitty (she goes to school and therapy with psychiatric services from 8am to 5pm Monday through Friday at the hospital, and spends evenings and weekends at home. It's like residential treatment, but with less trauma!

Unfortunately, the one in our area doesn't take Texas Medicaid (because our state is one of the worst for mental health services in the country). We had residential treatment services written in to our adoption subsidy (for this reason), but it never occurred to us that the partial day hospitalization program that was covered by TX Medicaid would actually be evil (story for another time if I didn't already write it two years ago), and would eventually close down.

We're also not having any luck getting anyone to return the calls of the post adoption services caseworker who is trying to help us with both this and getting our TX Medicaid extended to age 19 (we know how, we just can't get anyone to fill out and turn in the form).

*sigh* It's NOT over

Kitty apparently didn't sleep well. She took a long time to get moving this morning. Tuesday she and I had sat down and created a schedule, because I didn't want her sitting around all day:

• 7:15-7:30
  Wake Up


• 7:30-7:45
  Get Dressed. Put on Deoderant.
  Pick Up Clothes. Laundry as Needed.
  Pick Up Room.


• 7:45-8:30
  Check in with Mom. Eat Breakfast.
  Take Meds. Brush Teeth and Hair.
  Feed Dogs.


• 8:30-8:40
  Brain Gym


• 8:40-9:00
  Exercise - Walk with Neighbor?


• 9:00-10:00
  School Work - Independent
  with Assistance from Mom
  or Chores - If Have Homebound later(we didn't get Homebound because the psychiatrist didn't call the school in time).


• 10:00-10:15
  Snack


• 10:15-11:15
  Chores (if chores take longer she has less time on the computer - if they take less time she gets a little more)


• 11:15-12:00
  Computer Time


• 12:00-1:00
  Lunch Prep and Eat Lunch


• 1:00-2:10
  Reading/ Quiet Time


• 2:10-2:15
  Brain Gym


• 2:15-2:30
  Go to School


• 2:30-4:00
  School


• 4:00-4:20
  Go Home with Mom


• 4:20-4:45
  Shower


• 4:45-5:00
  Snack


• 5:00-5:20
  Walk in Backyard


• 5:20-8:30
  Family Time/ TV/ Dinner


• 8:30-9:00
  Take Meds and Get Ready for Bed

Kitty couldn't get started this morning. By the time we got back from taking Bear his glasses and some other stuff he'd forgotten (if it hadn't been his glasses I wouldn't have bothered), she was already ranting at me about the same old stuff (I won't let her be friends with the boy she fell in love with at the hospital, I won't let her talk to her friends ever again - that's the black and white / all or nothing thinking again.).

Yesterday she lied about finishing her chores (kitty litter) and got on the computer (privilege for completing choresa) without permission, so today her consequence was that she wouldn't be allowed to play on the computer. Hubby was going to disable it before she got up in the morning and direct the brunt of her anger at him, but he forgot. I called him and asked his advice on how to deal with her (after being yelled at for an hour). He decided to come home and work from home.

Before he got home she'd stormed to her room because I told her she'd lost the computer privilege for today. With her black and white thinking she feels that "Not today" and "As soon as you're stable" (once I explained what "stable" meant - I can't believe we've been using that term for years and she didn't know what it meant)... means "Never." I let her go, despite the fact that she might try to hurt herself, because I couldn't take much more.

Hubby went up to talk to her, and she escalated to screaming, being verbally abusive and cussing, threatening us and herself - overdose, and trying to claw herself. Eventually she was begging to go back to the psych hospital to get away from us (although every time I got on the phone today she has freaked out because she's convinced I'm calling the police). Finally I decided to give her a Klon*pin (not that I've seen that they help much) and went upstairs to "rescue" her from Hubby. Basically she was mad at him because he was standing next to her and she wanted me (it's the opposite when I'm with her and Hubby isn't there).

Hubby was holding her hands so she couldn't gouge her skin, and I told her to get him to stop, she was going to have to do some yoga breathing to help her calm down. Breathe in for four counts, hold it for 7 counts, breath out for 8 counts. Because I wasn't the parent she was actively mad at, she complied. In less than a minute I got her calm enough to take the Klon*pin and Hubby was able to completely release her. I told her to come downstairs with me, and put her down for a nap on the couch. I wrapped her in a blanket (compression) and gave her the option of me sitting next to her or just nearby. She chose next to her and was asleep within minutes.

All you single parents out there - I think you are totally amazing!!!!

Now I don't know what to do. It feels like the psych hospital made things worse. She's on a wait list for residential treatment, but that could take months, and I'm not sure it's going to help because so many of her issues are family and school related so they don't see it. First choice is partial day hospitalization (she'd be on the hospital campus from 9am to 4pm - getting school, therapy and psychiatric services and then home in the evenings and overnight), but the only one nearby doesn't take Texas Medic*id. In fact almost no one takes TX Medica*d - this state is one of the worst mental health service providers in the country (if not the worst).

We didn't get the homebound services we wanted because they psychiatrist's liaison didn't call the school back - even though she said she was sure they psychiatrist would give permission. The school's psychologist was against the idea. She was the only one, but without that psychiatrist's permission, she could veto it easily.

Is it over?

Good news! Kitty’s psychiatrist has reinstated her Abil*fy. Hopefully that, on top of the additional med, will finally get her stable. She did make it through school today, with no issues as far as I know. She was extremely agitated on the way home, but managed to keep from threatening me, so I allowed her to isolate. So far no major meltdowns. I just gave her the Abil*fy. Please pray, cross your fingers… whatever you do - that Kitty responds well.

Mary Themom
cell (###) ###-####
Founder: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PCT_ParentsofChildrenofTrauma/

There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million.
~Walt Streightiff

Kitty's evening:

Kitty's meds HAVE to be changed. Ms. Pdoc Liaison, please call me and let me know what we can do. She is not safe right now. The whole family is struggling with being around her, and I’m barely able to keep her regulated.
Mary

****************

Kitty had a tough morning yesterday. We argued about what to eat (she preferred nothing, I insisted on more – she claims I “shoved down her throat” the slice of lunch meant, ½ a slice of cinnamon toast, and cup of zucchini – that she chose to eat when I told her she had to eat more than nothing, more than a slice of meat, more than… She finally ate and I got her calmed down. After all the arguments that I was “trying to make her fat” by forcing her to eat when she wasn’t hungry (her meds decrease her appetite), she insisted I take her to the grocery store for some ice cream (I didn’t). Food is a major trigger for her. When she’s stressed (like therapy) then she gorges. Last night when she got mad, she said she was going on a hunger strike, but I knew she wasn’t capable of doing so. We keep reinforcing with her that she HAS to eat to be healthy, and have been working on helping her understand portion sizes and the difference between junk food and healthy food… but she doesn’t want to hear it.

She continued to get agitated several times, but I managed to get her regulated again. She even got her room picked up (chores) and some computer time (privilege). Then we went to school. On the way there she told me that she was in love with a boy that she had met at the psych hospital, and needed a Faceb*ok page to maintain contact with him. I explained to her that the hospital had a reason for having a no contact rule. That relationships started this way, highly emotional, crisis, sharing really personal info with someone – without getting a chance to get to know them… can really skew her feelings. Plus, right now she, and the boy, need to be focused on healing, not someone else. I also pointed out that she KNOWS this boy has issues (drugs, depression, cutting…). This is not the best person to have a relationship with… someday, if this really is her soulmate then they will run into each other again, when they’re in a good place. I tried giving her relevant examples from my own life, but she focused on the fact that I wasn’t allowing her to “make her own mistakes” and of course she didn’t want to hear what I had to say.

We got there early and she talked to some of her friends during passing period. She chose to tell her friends that I was mean and too strict, didn’t trust her… Later, she took great pleasure in telling me that her ex-boyfriend thought I was a “bitch” and threatened to hurt me. She got a lot of reinforcement from her friends and got more and more agitated. By the time we arrived at therapy she was raging, but still managing to keep it to verbal threats. She chose to stay in the lobby instead of coming to therapy. Her attachment therapist and I talked without her. Finally after half an hour she’d calmed down enough to come into the session.

During the session, Sue let her vent, and I held my tongue and let her rail at me and threaten me. Anytime Kitty paused to see if she could get her AT to agree with her, she pretty much answered before the AT could – saying AT agreed with me because she was an adult and all adults took my side against her. She wasn’t really rational.

Kitty continued to rage all the way home. I couldn’t help but “rationalize at her” (explain myself), knowing it wouldn’t help but needing to respond in some way.

I tried to tell her that I still love her despite her current behavior, but at the same time I feel her threatening behavior wasn’t giving me a choice but to seek help (trying not to threaten her with phosp, but at the same time letting her know that I thought this was based on a chemical imbalance, not true emotions although I know it feels that way.) I tried to keep our conversation as supportive and non-threatening as I could, but it was difficult to do when facing the reality that she is not able to control this… and then we got home.

When we got home, she stormed into the house. I called her back outside and told her that I needed her to stay near me until she was calm, or that she could walk in the backyard. She argued with me, but then it was like she flipped a switch and was a little agitated, but pretty much acted as though nothing had happened. It was freaky, but she maintained it for the rest of the evening. Even came up and hugged me with an apology. Not sure if I scared her or if she dissociated or what. I had gotten her to take a Klon*pin while we were on the front porch, but it could not have worked that fast.

Tomorrow is her IEP meeting. She did fine in school. I still think she needs homebound, but it scares me a little that she’ll go off on me again. I guess it could have been the stress of school.

The case manager is looking at RTC for us. I hope we can get her stable with medication and that won’t be needed.

Mary Themom
cell (###) ###-####
Founder: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PCT_ParentsofChildrenofTrauma/

There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million.
~Walt Streightiff

Puddle Girl

Letter to Kitty's therapists and psychiatrist case management staff:

Kitty was released today at 6pm. She was agitated and manic, but the nurse at the psych hospital thought she looked “normal” considering she was anxious about release. Kitty has alternated between being a puddle (which you guys have all seen) and irritable - pushing us away and ranting about how we love the biokids more than her and don’t treat her like a teenager. This was the first time I had seen her manic though. I was nervous about bringing her home. She seemed OK, but I was afraid that if there were any stresses/upsets that she would be too emotionally fragile to handle it. She did make it through the evening OK, although she got a little belligerent at bed time.

Kitty had apparently gotten upset a few hours before discharge because another girl had told her to shut up. Kitty told the nurse that she felt like hitting the girl and was given a Klon*pin (her first during hospitalization as far as I know). The discharge nurse couldn’t tell me if Klon*pin was still prescribed for Kitty. It wasn’t included on her med list.

Med list
Tril*ptal –900mg am and pm. Unchanged.
Abil*fy – 40mg. Removed!
Trazod*ne – 100mg. Removed.
Conc*rta - 54mg. Unchanged.
Clonod*ne- .05mg am and .1mg pm. Added.

Will let you know how tomorrow goes. Will probably try her at school if she continues to be up and seems stable. She is meeting with her therapist right after school.

No one at the hospital mentioned residential treatment, but they didn’t see much of her behaviors. Kitty was under a greatly reduced/ changed amount of stress so was able to hold it together (plus of course their expectations are based on the kids they have there, not Kitty). I think this is definitely something we need to discuss. Possibly look into whether or not {Residential Treatment Center over an hour away, but that takes Medic*id} would be a good option. Most of the people I know who’ve had kids there, liked it but said their kids were more severe/ aggressive. Kitty is so emotionally young it worries me to put her in places where she doesn’t feel physically safe and she is surrounded by kids with mega issues and behaviors that Kitty can’t handle.

School: We still have to get it approved in the IEP meeting, WEDNESDAY at 1PM!! but we have tentatively decided:

1. Kitty will only go to school her last period of the day (4th and 7th) for rest of the school year. This is her double blocked math class. The teacher is also her case manager, and is willing to let Kitty do work on other classes. I will take her to school, probably do volunteer work during the 1 ½ hours and then take her home again – no bus.





2. If Kitty seems to be OK with the one class then we’ll add a 3rd period study skills class. Obviously we can add more if she’s capable of handling it.





3. We will be adding 4 hours of homebound schooling.





4. We are suspending the FIE (school psych evals) for now. Testing her academic levels at this point would not be accurate.





5. We are looking at getting {Bear's special school} to come out and evaluate her for possibly attending there next year.





6. I will continue to look into Charter schools to see if we can find something that works with Kitty's emotional needs and learning disabilities/ special ed needs. Would love some help.

Can I change my mind?

When I drove up to the psych hospital with Kitty, she told me she'd changed her mind. She didn't want to go. I tried to reassure her, and reminded her that this was necessary. She was not happy, and that she needed the doctor's help to feel better. I reinforced that she had to tell the truth about her symptoms, the whole truth, or the doctors couldn't help her.

We spent the 4.5 hours of check-in time (no idea why it takes that long - especially since she's been there before, we'd faxed in tons of documents, they knew we were coming, and had a bed for us) with her completely shut down and snuggled in to me on an uncomfortable plastic loveseat. Every 45 minutes or so, someone would come and talk to one of us or both of us, we'd fill out some papers, and then they'd send us back to the waiting room. The TV was on an inappropriate channel so we sat with our backs to it and ignored it. The lobby was semi-crowded, but at least this time no one was bothering us and they even fed her dinner.

When I left her she gave me yet another big hug, and walked off to be checked over by the medical doctor.

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I talked to her on the phone the next day. She did not want to be there, but she sounded the same. Our conversation was brief because she had a stomach ache and wanted to go lie down. I told her I was sorry we couldn't come visit that night, but we'd see her the next afternoon.

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Yesterday on the way to a meeting with the psychiatrist at the phosp I talked to a friend of mine with a daughter that attends Bear's special school. Bear had confided in this family friend that he felt like we were deliberately keeping him out of the loop about his sister. I know last time she went to the hospital he felt a sense of guilt, as though it was his fault. This time he felt the same, probably partly because we've been working really hard with him, trying to keep him from teasing and pestering Kitty while she's in this emotionally fragile state. Will try to reinforce to him in therapy today that this isn't his fault, but he really cannot tease and pester her.

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Met with the psychiatrist at the phosp, and not really encouraged. They want to replace Kitty's Abil*fy and Trazad*ne with Clon*dine, and her Conc*rta with Foc*lin. This makes me really nervous, because Abil*fy is what finally got Kitty stable 2 years ago when this happened last. She's been on an admittedly mega high dose of it ever since. I talked to her therapist later and she is nervous as well. *sigh* My only reassurance was that at least it would happen there... probably. Of course they're just as likely to start the process and then send her home, like they did with the Proz*c at the last phosp.

Honestly I wasn't terribly upset by this until I met with Kitty afterward. I should have known what was coming when the pdoc asked us to talk about how Kitty ended up in the phosp. We talked about the day she ended up at the last hospital less than a month ago.

My version:, Kitty hadn't done her chores, and chose to sneak onto the computer anyway. It took me 20 minutes of "nagging" to get her off. Ponito got home from a playdate and I told him to do his chores. He said no, and then mentioned he had homework... on the computer. I let him get on and Kitty went ballistic so I put her on the "4 foot rule" until she could calm down, but she couldn't get regulated. It escalated to her punching me in the face.

Kitty's version: She was happily playing on the computer, and mean mom made her get off. Then Mom let horrible little brother play on it because she loves him more.

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Tell me again why I took Kitty to the hospital? Admittedly having a 150+lb growth permanently attached to my hip was draining, but I have to admit I was enjoying the loving part of her dependence. Yes, the meltdowns were awful... OK, I know why I took her, but... I CHANGED MY MIND!

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During our entire visit with Kitty she was perched on the edge of the seat, anxiously watching to see if the boy she was "interested" in was on his way out the door (he was being released). She gave us a quick, stiff hug when she was sure no one was looking - once when she arrived and once when she left. She wouldn't allow me to touch her. Her entire leg shook with the staccato tapping her foot was doing.

She spent the whole time railing at us about how we don't treat her like the 16 year old girl that she is, and that it's because we love the other kids more than her.

One proof that we don't love her: She NEEDS a Facebook page (she's not allowed to maintain contact with kids she meets in the phosp, but of course everyone breaks the phosp rule about it), EVERYone else in the house has a Facebook page except Ponito (We've changed the password on Bear's, but he still technically has one. I told her I don't actually have one, I just use Bear's. I've chosen to not notice Bob's). She promised me that this time she wouldn't be friends with Bear (biofamily found her last time because he was linked to them. When I discovered that, he lost his account again).

Kitty had also told Hubby her "best friend" was released earlier that day. I reminded her yet again that people she met in the phosp were people with issues, and as such were not capable of being good friends. This is why the phosp has the rule of no continued contact (which we enforce). She chose to pretend that she needed Facebook to keep in contact with school friends, and see this as yet more proof that we didn't love her.

We reminded her that we treat all our kids differently based on their needs, which has nothing to do with love, and actually very little to do with trust. She's heard all this a thousand times and can even answer me when I ask her why we do things the way we do, but she adamantly couldn't/ wouldn't process it.

Proof that we love the biokids more: Kitty brought up that Bob is starting to show signs of bipolar and therefore she and Bob should be treated the same. I tried to explain that even if Bob does become bipolar, Bob didn't have all the issues/ trauma that Kitty did growing up. Kitty missed out on a lot of things that Bob got, and now Kitty is having to play catch up and learn those skills. Plus, Kitty has proven over and over that she's not ready for the responsibilities yet, so she can't have the privileges. Kitty finally just admitted that she felt she deserved the privileges without the responsibilities.

So I tried a new analogy. She's 16 now and many 16 year olds can drive. So would it be right for me to give her the keys to car and send her to the store for me? She's never had a driving lesson and doesn't have a learning permit. Unlike Bear (who frequently sounds like Rainman saying, "I'm an excellent driver."), she admits that she doesn't know how to drive. Kitty agreed that this would be inappropriate and the police would probably get involved, but of course she chose to ignore the parallel to her not being prepared for the privileges she feels she's entitled to.

After all the conversations we've had about Super Sweet 16 birthdays, we've talked frequently about how kids who are given all the privileges they want frequently turn out to be unhappy, spoiled brats, and Kitty can parrot back what would happen if we gave her all of the privileges she wanted - whether she could handle them or not... but she was having none of it.

She remained shut down and agitated. When I confronted her on this, she said if she wasn't shut down she would cry (good insight at least). The group started lining up for dinner, and she was not able to participate in a conversation so we let her go. I'm sure she'll remember the meeting as us yelling at her. *sigh*

--------------------------------------------------------------

After our visit I was pretty shook up. Kitty was convinced that she would be going home in the next couple of days, and while that was most likely not true with all the med changes they were proposing... there was no way I wanted to take this child home. She'd regressed so far back in her attachment and was so shut down and angry. Usually after leaving a phosp or RTC she's homesick and grateful to be home and we get a honeymoon. I don't get the feeling that is going to be the case this time.

I decided to ask to talk to a social worker there. Sort of tell someone "our side" of the story so that maybe in group she would not be allowed to reinforce this distorted perception. Her point of view sounds typical and even developmentally appropriate for a teenager (Parents don't understand me. Trying to be independent and they won't let me. Treat me like a younger child.), - problem is of course that she's NOT a teenager in the ways it really counts.

I talked to a part-time social worker for an hour. She doesn't do groups with Kitty, but promised to pass on the info. Who knows if it will make a difference.

E-mail Novel - Part 2

I called the crisis hotline tonight, and we're going to bring Kitty into MHMR for evaluation tomorrow. I don't know what the results will be of course, but I'm assuming she will probably be hospitalized. None of us can continue this way.

Kitty got off to school OK today, and made it through her Science benchmark exam. I hadn't given her any Klon*pin (anti-anxiety med) because I was afraid it would make her too tired. After she finished her test she asked for the Klon*pin to help her deal with the anxiety about how she did. She then apparently laid her head down and slept for an hour. When she woke up, she went to the nurse because she wasn't feeling well. It was only an hour until I was supposed to pick her up anyway so I had her lay down until I got there. I took her home for lunch and a nap (I didn't know she'd slept at school, but she definitely didn't sleep well last night - bed late because of the meltdown, got up several times to eat, get water and potty).

In the afternoon she started whining for privileges (buy her a movie, take her to the store for a snack/ treat...). I told her no, and that she needed to pick up her room as it was in pretty bad shape. She had moved the entire contents of the playroom to her room and I told her she needed to put it back. Meltdown. She locked herself in the pantry (although she opened the door when I insisted). She cried, hit walls, kicked the door, and demanded I leave her alone (which I couldn't do), because... I hated her, she hated this family, I should prove I love her by giving her what she wanted. I gave her another Klon*pin (didn't see any results), and tried everything I could think of to calm her down. I finally got her calmed enough to get off the floor of the pantry and help pick up her room for a few minutes (mostly she watched me and alternately cried and yelled at me)... but then it was time for therapy. I managed to get her in the car (she locked me out of it for about a minute, but then let me in) and to therapy... where she continued to meltdown in the parking lot for 20 minutes (she wanted a treat, she wanted me to rent her a movie, I don't love her, I love the other kids more than her - because they never "misbehave"/have meltdowns like she does, I never buy anything for her...)

We finally got into the therapy session, where she calmed down and let me hold and comfort her while she talked to the therapist in a subdued, quiet voice. She said one reason she was so upset was the stress of TAKS on Thursday and being so behind in school. I told her I had just decided she will not be taking the TAKS. I can't see torturing her (and us) with the stress of a test that isn't going to be accurate anyway in the state she's in. I will keep her home on Thursday and if the school has a problem with it, then they can come up with a better alternative. She perked up a little, but as soon as therapy was over and we got back to the car she started begging for treats again, melting down again, superficially self-harming, crying and angry. We got home and she locked herself in the bathroom until she realized I was calling the MHMR crisis line. She was afraid I was calling the police or a psych hospital and started wailing louder and came out.

The Crisis line gave us 5 options
1. Call the police and have her taken to a psych hospital immediately - probably where she needs to be, but emotionally so damaging that I don't want to do this.
2. Take her to the MHMR center where they will do an immediate evaluation (but this would take quite awhile, and Hubby is teaching scuba all this week, so I'd have to have Grandma watch the other kids until we/I got back.
3. Take her to the ER for an assessment.
4. Wait until tomorrow morning to call and give MHMR center a heads up that we're coming so they'll be ready for us and possibly can arrange to have Kitty's new case manager there to meet us.
5. I don't remember 5, but we chose option 4.

I finally got Kitty calmed down. I told her I knew she wasn't "misbehaving" (her word) on purpose. I explained that I thought her meds weren't right, because her body has changed or sometimes meds just don't work the same after awhile. That we're trying to change her environment to be less stressful too. I told her that I know she is hiding her symptoms (which surprised her, she said she didn't think I knew) because she is afraid she will have to go the psych hospital, but that she HAS to tell the doctor about all her symptoms (including the racing heart, racing thoughts, anxiety and suicidal thoughts...) so that the doctor can get her on the right medications and she can get better. If she doesn't tell the doctor, then nothing will change... and things can't go on as they are or she will end up back in a psych hospital anyway. I have to keep her safe.


Mary Brush
cell (###) ###-####
Founder: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/PCT_ParentsofChildrenofTrauma/

There are no seven wonders of the world in the eyes of a child. There are seven million.
~Walt Streightiff

******************************************
RESPONSES to Yesterday's e-mail Novel:

-----Original Message-----From: Ms. Skills Trainer
Hi Mary,

Thank you very much for your email. Kitty's case manager and I would like to discuss these issues with you tomorrow at our meeting at 10:30am. I am concerned about her possibly hiding suicidal thoughts and would of course encourage you to call the crisis hotline immediately if she voices any suicidal ideation or attempts to hurt herself again (never hurts to at least talk to an intake person at crisis and see what they have to say...). The crisis hotline number is: 1-800-###-####. I think it would be helpful for Case Manager and I to talk to Kitty alone during part of the meeting and ask her about her intentions if any.

Please give Case Manager or I a call if any further concerns arise...

Take care Mary and hang in there!

Ms. Skills Trainer

-----Original Message-----From: Ms. EMDR therapist

I am thinking that you need to consider long term residential treatment for Kitty; and that what you are now doing (which is the most you can do) is not working. I think she needs to be told that it is clear that home is not the most helpful place for her, The only other options would be to place her in in long term treatement. Mary, you all have done all you can. This is so much more than any of what has been figured out. I feel she needs to understand that without her being able to function in the home or school; more is needed than you can provide. It doesn't help her to continue like this; when you have done all you can do. Think about it. If you feel you want to consider this; then we can talk about it before Friday. Always, Ms. EMDR

Ms. EMDR therapist, M.S.; LPC-LCDC
Trauma and Addictions Specialist

My Poor Babies

Kitty age 10 and Bear age 11 Now that Kitty is home she is super clingy and is having stomach aches and head aches. This doesn't surprise me. When we saw her on Tuesday for family therapy she was holding our hands, sitting close, giving lots of hugs and needing lots of reassurance. This is the same way she acted while in residential treatment 2 years ago. She really is just a little girl and this is terrifying for her. Not to mention it brings up a ton of memories and fears. She threw a chair at Biomom and Biomom called the police who came and put Kitty in foster care. Biomom terminated parental rights claiming Kitty was "out of control," and Kitty never went home again. Sunday evening, Kitty hit me. The police came and took Kitty away. Kitty got to come home again, but I can't blame her for fearing history is repeating itself. Bear is feeling the same way. (Sent to me via e-mail on Monday)

Hy mom how is kitty this is kinda getting to day im feeling alittle stresed out and for some reason Im feeling like it my falt in away because I did this so many times to her and the other grils when they were yonger, The makes me think about some of the stuff im trying to forget about and try to move on with my life. Im feeling like i want to cry but i don't any one to weary about me. LOVE YOU MOM I realy apreshat the way you have never gave up on us i think this some thing we needed That we realy never had. THANKS love you mom

Thank for putting up with all the good and bad stuff i ever through at you -- •Never approach a bull from the front, a horse from the rear, or a fool from any direction BEAR

Tonight Kitty wanted me to tuck her in and tentatively asked if she wasn't feeling safe would we send her back to the psych hospital. I assured her that was not an option (she'd told us about the drama and violence and how scary it was), and she confessed she's still having feelings about hurting herself. She assured me that she knew she wouldn't actually hurt herself, but the feeling were there. I stayed with her until she fell asleep. (Yes, we'll be addressing this quickly and I'll do everything I can to keep her safe in the meantime). My poor baby. I think we were assuming things would go back to normal pretty quickly, but she's obviously going to have a long recovery time. I guess there's a good reason why I don't have a job yet

Kitty's Coming Home

Kitty is being released tomorrow! We're planning a quiet weekend. No school on Monday. Pdoc appointment Tuesday (8am yuck!), then straight to her ARD where we'll decide what school is going to look like for the rest of the school year.

Options:

1. Drop her 2 electives - which are in the morning on "B" days and her only regular ed, and most stressful classes, and just have her come to school late on "B" days - after lunch (which is also stressful).


2. Change her electives to something else - like social skills. Put her in the behavior program during lunches.


3. Homebound - doubt they'll go for this one - it's supposed to be almost impossible to get and is more for kids with physical issues.


4. Drive her to school and pick her up for lunch every day to limit the


5. Suggestions?

Counting my Blessings

If you haven't seen this post A letter to Grandparents of Children with RAD over at Welcome to My Brain- (the blog of an amazing therapeutic parenting guru who has made some therapeutic parenting videos not to be missed) then seriously, go read it. Then know how blessed I am because my mom aka Grandma is just like the grandma who wrote this letter, only mine takes my kids for respite almost every Saturday afternoon and keeps them until she feeds us all lunch Sunday afternoon, and comes over and watches them while I attend therapy with Kitty, takes us all out to dinner every Friday night, in past Summers she's taken care of all 4 kids all Summer! Her wonderful husband, Poppy, is equally amazing (more on Poppy in a minute).

***********************

Christine from Welcome to My Brain is also the creator of the Parents of Trauma Map - so we know We are NOT Alone! Please go add your pin to the map and look to see who is near you. I'm hoping to see all the moms from Parents of Children of Trauma there! I want to see Central Texas solid with support because I know there are lots of moms out there.

*****************************

This week I finished up my NAMI Family to Family class. I learned quite a bit, and I made some really good friends. I highly recommend this class to parents with adult children and those with spouses or other adult family members with mental illnesses. The best part is the support groups. I'm hoping to finish the NAMI Visions for Tomorrow class this week - which is for parents of young children with mental illnesses. I've offered to do a lot of volunteer work for NAMI, but I'm still waiting to hear back.

**************************

Saturday I got to go to a great workshop sponsored by the Council On Adoptable Children (COAC) about caring for the caregiver this weekend with a bunch of adoptive moms and it was so invigorating to hang out for a few hours with a bunch of moms who "get it." The workshop had a lot of good information too. Sunday we found out the hard way that Kitty has not been sleeping well.

*******************************

I let my World's Meanest Mommy title slip and let Kitty and Bob attend a birthday slumber party on Friday night. They stayed up talking until 3am and woke up at 6am. They got a brief nap Saturday while I was at the workshop. Saturday night Kitty and her siblings spent the night with the amazing Grandma and Poppy as usual, and she claims she didn't sleep well (although Bob says otherwise).

****************************

When I arrived for lunch at Grandma's (Hubby was teaching scuba diving all weekend) Kitty was in a good mood. She and I even made a lemon meringue pie together (from scratch!) after lunch. It was a little soupy, but yummy! All seemed fine. Then we got home and I made the mistake of asking Kitty to do her chores. I told her she could not get on the computer until they'd been checked (by Daddy when he got home) . She wouldn't get off the computer. I finally threatened her with not being allowed to use the computer for a week and she got off after 15 minutes.

***********************************

Then Ponito got home from a playdate. I told him he needed to get his chores done quickly and we were going to watch a movie. He claimed all his chores were done (he's been lying a lot lately though), but refused to empty a trashcan I told him to empty. Repeatedly. Defiantly. Then he suddenly announced he had homework... and got on the computer.

******************************* This was the final straw for Kitty. She started screaming he should be punished, and was breaking rules, and I treated him special, and she hated this family, and she wanted to die. I got triggered too and finally told her to go to her room immediately, do not pass go, do not argue and if she did as I asked then she could come down in 5 minutes and watch the movie. ******************************* She pushed the ottoman away from her so hard the cat flipped off (which she felt horrible about), then banged her way upstairs. She was hitting walls and doors so I followed. Flash forward 30 minutes and dinner wasn't made, the movie was started without us, and I was still too triggered to calm down enough to help her emotionally regulate. She finally appeared to calm down a little and agreed to make dinner with me. ******************************************** She got angry again when she realized I was following her. She stormed upstairs and of course I followed (she was still making threats). 1/2 way up she turned and told me to leave her alone or she was going to hit and kick me. I got nervous because I didn't want either of us to fall down the stairs, so I was focused on that. She surprised me by hitting me in the face! Scared her half to death and she turned and ran and locked herself in the bathroom. Thank goodness she hits like a little girl and caught me on the fleshy part of the cheek. It's a little sore and swollen, but no bruising. ******************************* After last Tuesday's suicide threat, it felt like everyone was questioning me about why we hadn't called someone, so this time I dialed 911 and asked for the mental health deputy to come out. When Kitty realized I had actually called the police she ran out of the bathroom, right past me and downstairs to the kitchen where she pulled out a butcher knife and held it to her wrist. Unfortunately I couldn't hang up with the police officer to calm her down and talking to the officer made her worse. Finally she left "Fight" and "Flight" and moved into "Freeze." That's where she stuck. ************************************* The police said because she hit me they had to file charges of domestic violence, whether I wanted them to or not and she had to leave the house. She could go to jail or a psychiatric hospitalization depending on the verdict of the mental health deputy. Luckily he chose to believe that she was suicidal and chose to allow her to be hospitalized. The charges don't disappear, but she doesn't have to go to court or anything. ************************************** Unfortunately the nearest bed open was a 2 hour drive away! Luckily Hubby got home from teaching scuba diving about the time we were leaving so he could watch the kids. He was too tired to drive though. Wonderful Poppy was willing and able to drive the 2 hours there, wait 3 hours to get her admitted and 2 hours home (then another 15 minutes back to his home). Since he'd been up at dawn as an emergency responder for the Capital 10K this was even more amazing (he had grabbed a nap earlier in the day, but still pretty impressive for a 70 something year old man). *************************** The good news was because the traveling and waiting time was so long (5 hours total), that during the ride in the uncomfortable hard plastic back seat of the unmarked police car in the dark, late at night after a major outburst, Kitty slowly calmed down and was finally able to reach out to me. By the time we got there she was snuggly and able to accept reassurance and comfort from me. She gave me (and Poppy) a big hug at 1:30am as they led her off to finally sleep. Poppy drove me home and was safe in bed at home by 3:30am. ******************************** Sweet Hubby tried to let me sleep in this morning, but the psych hospital doctor called early to talk about meds, and I've been on the phone and e-mail ever since trying to get stuff settled. I've been hearing good things about the psych hospital. *yea!* * ************************* Visiting hours are late evenings on Tuesdays and Thursdays only, but we had the option to have family therapy in the morning so we can see Kitty then and she won't feel abandoned when we don't come to the evening visitation session (my last NAMI Visions For Tomorrow class is Tuesday night and there's a parent support group meeting the rest of the family is going to). ************************************** I was told the average stay at this psych hospital is only 3 days so we fully expect Kitty home this weekend. I wasn't happy about what the hospital's pdoc said, but I talked to Kitty's regular pdoc and I think we're going to finally make some good progress. Kitty's revision ARD is going to meet early in April to start the school testing needed for her new FIE (Full Individual Evaluation).

Why I'm not blogging as often

1. Job hunting
2. Finally finishing up the NAMI Family to Family Course and attending support group
3. Finally finishing up the NAMI Visions for Tomorrow Course
4. Networking and trying to set up volunteering for NAMI
5. Walking with a neighbor
6. Ponito started soccer (gotta get a picture of him in his uniform - so cute)
7. Not getting enough sleep - might be time to start on meds again?
8. Starting the Parents of Children of Trauma
9. Trying to keep up with all the online support groups, blogs and e-mail
10. Getting Bear enrolled in DARS so he can get a supported Summer job
11. Finally getting the kids enrolled in their tribe because Bear is about to turn 18 and the tribe is supposedly being Federally recognized soon - right now it looks like we may need an affadavit from birthmom! *eek*
12. Back and forth with the school about Kitty:

Hi guys,

I’d like to set up a time to meet, as soon as possible regarding my daughter, Kitty. For those of you not familiar with Kitty, attached is the letter I sent out at the beginning of the year to acquaint you with some of her issues. To catch you up, she is having great difficulty with the stress and drama of high school.

Although the morning vomiting has stopped, she is still spending quite a bit of time in the nurse’s office (4 visits this month). As far as we can tell there is no underlying illness to these constant stomachaches, headaches, nausea, etc. it is pretty much stress related. We are working on making sure she has food when she takes her morning meds as that could be causing some of the problems. I’ve talked to her assistant principal about getting her FIE (Full Individual Evaluation) updated before the school year ends so there will be an ARD (IEP meeting) for that soon, but in the meantime I want to see if we can brainstorm ways we can help Kitty, as there is very little left that we can do at home to reduce her stress.

Tuesday night, after her therapist appointment, Kitty did hold a knife to her wrist and threatened to kill herself. We were able to get her calmed down without having to call the mental health deputies, and I stayed close to help her emotionally regulate
until she finally fell asleep. We have a call in to her psychiatrist, but the earliest possible appointment is Tuesday (and that is standby only). I did keep Kitty out of school yesterday and she stayed pretty emotionally regulated. I sent her back to school today, and she typically holds things together there, but obviously I’m pretty worried. I do not think she is truly suicidal at this time, but she clearly is crying out for help.

Thank you,

Mary theMom (###)###-####
" Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

School casemanager response

Kitty's casemanager is also her math teacher. Here is her response to my e-mail. She's the only one who responded.

All,

Kitty appears to be fine in math class. However, it has been a difficult 2 weeks because of her friends in math class being withdrawn to attend schools out of the school district. One of the young ladies Kitty considered to be one of her best friends, and was in all of her classes. This loss has been the most difficult for Kitty. The other young lady was whom she shared a lot of "gossip".

Kitty has not asked to go to the nurse from Math class. I think she may have missed a class because the nurse sent her home.

Kitty does not have a BIP {Behavior Intervention Plan}. It was dismissed at the last ARD {IEP meeting}. I really don't know if a BIP can address behaviors as you described. Would you like for her to see the crisis counselor, Ms. S? She can also visit with Mr. C {her guidance counselor - although she has talked to a different guidance counselor (female) who will be her counselor next year}, Mr. J {her assistant principal}, or me.

Kitty completes her class work. Any homework which I have given her is not done at
home and is usually late, so I have not given any lately.

Anyone else have any ideas? I hope this helps

Mrs P

I don't even know where to go from here. To address the e-mail:

We knew Kitty's friends moved away, but this happened after the increase in her emotional issues so this isn't too helpful in figuring out the problem.



I didn't realize that Kitty's BIP (supposed to limit her visits to the nurse) was dismissed at the last meeting. I'm not sure it was. I know at the ARD the teachers said it wasn't being used, so they didn't see a need for it (she was only leaving one class - so the others weren't seeing the issue) and therefore they weren't following it.



No worries on the not giving her homework anymore. Saves me time arguing at the next IEP meeting that she's not ready for mainstream classes with inclusion. To keep her from being put in regular ed classes (which I don't think she can handle emotionally), I've been using the fact that she never has homework as a major reason why she wouldn't be able to be in a regular ed class where there is lots of homework. Instead of trying to get into the more subjective stuff, like her inability to handle the emotional demands.

I did talk to the school's crisis counselor who used to be a foster parent and mostly "gets it," but I don't know what I want from her (she suggested social skills class, DBT, talking to Kitty about what biopolar is (Kitty probably isn't ready for this)... all good, concrete suggestions. However, I think the problem is that I want to discuss finding alternate school placements for Kitty, not vocational assessments. I have messages in with other people too so maybe I can address this in another way. I haven't found any alternatives yet, and of course coming to the school without options and a plan, means nothing happens, so I'm not ready for that yet.

I better get some sleep.

Letter to Kitty's school

Hi guys,

I wanted to check in with you regarding Kitty and our concerns about what appears to be a major increase in her stress over the last few weeks. I wonder if there might be some sort of increase in the usual drama at school causing this, and I would appreciate any insight. She has begun calling home even more frequently with stomach aches, headaches and various other psychosomatic ailments. At home she is easily upset and increasingly prone to meltdowns. I’m worried that she is heading toward another emotional break requiring psychiatric hospitalization.

Kitty has always had issues with the emotional drama at school. She has admitted she’s a pretty big gossip, and apparently has a need for all her friends to feel sorry for her and believe that we (her parents) are mean and overly controlling. Her world is very black and white. Kitty has talked a lot about S_____, a junior boy in which she is interested, that is depressed and into cutting. Kitty is very empathetic and has mentioned that she is negatively influenced by his depressed outlook.

I also want to mention the issues we’re dealing with at school regarding Kitty’s siblings. Last week Kitty walked into the cafeteria, and in front of everyone, pointed at her sister and loudly announced, “ there’s the backpack breaker.” (At home, Kitty had put her backpack in a room Bob, her sister, was cleaning. Bob tossed it in another room and a plastic piece on the back pack broke, making one of the straps not work. Kitty wanted Bob punished for the damage, but we determined it was an accident and partially Kitty’s fault so we did not give Bob any consequences. This caused a major meltdown at home.) Kitty’s outburst in the cafeteria really upset and embarrassed Bob of course. When my husband confronted Kitty about it, Kitty claimed it was intended as a joke, but she admitted that her tone of voice was serious, not joking. Bear, Kitty’s older brother, and Kitty seem to be attracted to the same type of kids (ones with big issues!). Kitty’s gossip about Bear is creating even more drama than already exists (yes, we realize he’s just as big a gossip as she).

Honestly I don’t know what to do. Kitty’s issues seemed to be getting reinforced and worsened by allowing this to continue. I need your input and suggestions.

Some possible options:
• Social skills classes?
• Look into a different type of school for Kitty? Charter?
• Call an ARD and get the team to brainstorm options, if not for now, then for next school year.
• Is this something that should/could be covered by a school Behavior Intervention Plan? I don’t feel that her current BIP restricting her visits to the nurse (while necessary) is addressing her issues. {Making Kitty rate her pain on a scale of 1 to 5 is her only BIP - but the teachers have stated they don't use it}
• Continue to ignore it and focus on keeping her regulated.

We’ve talked about giving her homework so that next year she can try inclusion classes. Obviously this hasn’t been happening, but she’s not dealing well with what she has, so I have to admit I’m not terribly upset about this. Still this is something we need to address eventually as I’m sure it causes her anxiety. She is making good grades, but I’ve noticed that the area she’s having problems in is missing assignments. Usually she does the work, but has trouble getting it turned in.

Obviously we are addressing this at home and are working with Kitty’s therapist, but I feel Kitty needs more support. I look forward to hearing from you about this.

Mary Themom cell ###-####

Letters sent!

Finally got the letters sent to all the people on the kid's "teams."

Between Bears' two schools, teachers, admin at both schools, counselors, and the people at his MHMR clinic and therapists, I had to find 22 e-mails! Kitty "only" had 12, but hers were harder to find because no one seemed to know who her caseworker was, and her guidance counselor was different from Bear's too... they're opening another high school this year so everything isn't up to date. One of Kitty's teachers and her guidance counselor weren't in the school directory... whine, whine, whine... ok, I'm done now.

The good news is I'M DONE!!

I talked to the school nurse today and Kitty has already been in there 4-5 times (we're only on our 8th day of school!) for different things. Luckily I'd already discussed the problem with her. Hopefully the teachers will read the letter and stop allowing Kitty to go so often.

Better Letter

You guys are sooo great! Thanks! Is this better?

Dear School Teachers and Staff,

My name is Mary TheMom. I am the parent of 9th grade student, Kitty. Kitty is served by the district as a student with an Emotional Disturbance (RAD, bipolar, C-PTSD), Other Health Impaired (medicated ADHD), and Learning Disabilities (cerebral dysrhythmia). If you have any questions or concerns regarding any of these diagnoses or the others that she has, please feel free to e-mail me at _____@_________.com or call me at (###) ###-####.

It is my hope that Kitty will have a successful school year. Because she is quiet and a hard worker in class, Kitty tends to not always get what she needs to reach her full potential. I would like to share some information with you to help you better understand Kitty’s reactions, anxiety and issues, so you can better support her and provide an appropriate learning environment.

Kitty is a former foster child, who was discarded into foster care at age 9, because she was “out of control.” This was due to the lack of proper parenting provided by her mentally ill mother, abusive males, and Kitty’s untreated mental health issues. It is rarely seen in her behavior at school now.

Due to trust issues, Kitty’s reactions are often subtle at school, but believe me she is frequently under major emotional distress - at which point she “shuts down” (not learning or remembering!) and is extremely emotionally fragile and at risk. Her Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – causes her to overreact to things you or I might consider minor. It’s difficult to learn math and spelling when you’re in the middle of a war zone!

Some things to watch for:
• Gentle teasing, constructive criticism, or even just the feeling of disapproval, is often perceived as yelling, accusing, and hateful. Kitty has difficulty with teasing, (both peers and adults). She “dishes it” (we are working on this), but she can’t “take it.” Kitty’s usual response to this at school is to dissociate (freeze, change the subject, or tattle – based on her interpretation of events).
Tip: Kitty responds best to caring structure. If she doesn’t believe the person cares about her, she will attribute all sorts of negative motives to them (especially males).
• If Kitty’s speech or laughter sounds loud and pressured, she appears agitated, is overly sensitive, or she is popping her knuckles – she is very distressed and overwhelmed.
Tip: A calm, quiet space so she can emotionally regulate, and a calm, supportive person can really help.
• Although fairly stable now, Kitty has been both suicidal and aggressive. Due to her attachment issues, the child you see at school is not the same one that lives with us.
Tip: Please believe and support us when we tell you how Kitty is doing and notify us of any issues.
• Kitty’s distress frequently exhibits as physical illness (nausea, stomach aches, tiredness, ear aches, headaches…). This feels very real to her, and occasionally it is real.
Tip: Ask her to rate the pain on a scale of 1 to 10, with over 5 or 6 allowed to go to the nurse. (I believe this is in her BIP). Otherwise she will be in the nurse’s office frequently - days with substitutes almost guarantee this. Calling me as needed is always fine.
• FYI, she has some bladder issues and may not be able to “hold it.” I strongly recommend letting her use the restroom if she requests it. We can keep a spare change of clothes at school if needed.

Please contact me for any and all issues with Kitty. I need to be kept abreast of all situations, and I will do the same for you. I am available 95% of the day. I do work, but have flexibility on my job and can be reached by phone at almost any time. I will return your call as soon as possible if I am in a meeting, or you can reach my husband, Hubby, at (###) ###-####.

Yours in Partnership, Mary Brush (###) ###-####. _____@_________.com

New School Year Letter to Teacher - Kitty

What do y'all think?

Dear High School Teachers and Staff,

My name is Mary Themom. I am the parent of 9th grade student, Kitty. Kitty is served by the district as a student with an Emotional Disturbance (RAD, bipolar, C-PTSD), Other Health Impaired (medicated ADHD), and Learning Disabilities (cerebral dysrhythmia). If you have any questions or concerns regarding any of these diagnoses or the others that she has, please feel free to e-mail me at _______@_______.com or call me at (###) ###-####.

It is my hope that Kitty will have a successful school year. To help ensure this I would like to share some information with you.

Kitty is a former foster child, who was discarded into foster care at age 9, because she was “out of control.” This was due to the lack of proper parenting provided by her mentally ill mother, abusive male caregivers, and Kitty’s untreated mental health issues. It is rarely seen in her behavior at school now. I bring this up to help you understand Kitty’s reactions, anxiety and issues, so you can better support her and help her learn. Kitty responds best to caring structure. If she doesn’t believe the person cares about her she will attribute all sorts of negative motives to them (especially males).

Due to trust issues, Kitty’s reactions are often subtle at school, but believe me she is frequently under major emotional distress at which point she “shuts down” (not learning or remembering!) and is extremely emotionally fragile and at risk. Some things to watch for:

• Gentle teasing, constructive criticism, or even just the feeling of disapproval, is often perceived as yelling, accusing, and hateful. Kitty has difficulty with teasing, (both peers and adults). She “dishes it” (we are working on this), but she can’t “take it.” Kitty’s usual response to this at school is to dissociate (freeze, change the subject, or tattle – based on her interpretation of events).
• If Kitty’s speech or laughter sounds loud and pressured, she appears agitated, is overly sensitive, or she is popping her knuckles – she is very distressed.
• Although fairly stable now, Kitty has been both suicidal and aggressive. Due to her attachment issues, the child you see at school is not the same one that lives with us.
• Kitty’s distress frequently exhibits as physical illness (nausea, stomach aches, tiredness, ear aches, headaches…). This feels very real to her, and occasionally it is real. We suggest asking her to rate the pain on a scale of 1 to 10. I believe this is in her BIP. If this is not done she will be in the nurse’s office frequently - days with substitutes almost guarantee this. Calling me as needed is fine.
• FYI, she has some bladder issues and may not be able to “hold it.” I strongly recommend letting her use the restroom if she requests it. We can keep a spare change of clothes at school if needed.

Kitty has many gaps in her education – some of these are due to her:

• Cerebral dysrhythmia (brain damage) and learning disabilities.
• Constant moving and changing schools throughout her traumatic childhood.
• Severe Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder – which even now can cause her to react as though she is in a highly stressful environment. It’s difficult to learn math and spelling when you’re in the middle of a war zone.
  

Please contact me for any and all issues with Kitty. I need to be kept abreast of all situations, and I will do the same for you. I am available 95% of the day. I do work, but have flexibility on my job and can be reached by phone at almost any time. I will return your call as quickly as possible if I am in a meeting, or you can reach my husband, Hubby, at ###-####.

Yours in Partnership,

Mary Themom

(###)###-####

__________@_________.com

Resetting Normal

Sometimes when I launch an updated version of a computer program I find that I can't transfer my old documents or projects to the new program. Sometimes they're corrupt. Sometimes they're so old the new program doesn't support them. Sometimes I found I've added features that the new program doesn't have so it doesn't recognize parts.

I used to have lots of time on my hands so I played with designing our house and interior decorating. I had a CAD (computer aided drafting) program that I'd purchased off a bargain table at a discount book store. I spent hours and hours entering exact dimensions, moving walls, figuring out how to put things at an angle or adding features so it looked exactly like our house. I quickly discovered I really liked it so I searched the internet and found some upgrades. We wanted to add on to our house so I felt really productive.

I decided I wanted to upgrade the program and discovered that the new version could do amazing things, but it wasn't compatable at all with the original so I would have to start over. I was having fun and I still had all the dimensions so I decided to go for it. Fun!! Then I had to reload the program a few times (changed computers), and I upgraded several times. Each time importing the old files and playing with them, tweaking them, and adding to them.

One day I decided to start from scratch and design a new space. I discovered that the latest version of the program I was working on had all sorts of features and abilities that I had not been able to access because I was working with the old project files. There were things I could and did add (like new furniture and surfaces), but some things were not compatable with what already existed, and some of them were designed to be used in the "building" process which was already complete, so they weren't even listed as options. The program viewed the existing options already in place as "customized." So most of the cool new options weren't listed because the program assumed I'd already chosen.

At this point we'd already used the program to add on to the house. I no longer had real access to a computer that would support the installation of the program (it used floppy disks!). And I no longer had the motivation to play with it all. So I just let it go.

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I think of Kitty as fairly stable. She has her quirks and her moments, but she has improved so much that I don't tend to see them. Not only do I compare her to the "original document", but I compare her to her brother and since she is currently doing so much better in many ways I still see her as doing "OK." I've always made a conscious effort not to compare her to Bob and Ponito of course. It would not be fair as they are completely different kind of "files."

Now I'm wondering if I'm making a mistake. I have access to new and improved upgraded programs. Am I allowing Kitty to plug along limited by the constraints of my expectations?

The other day we were in my bedroom (yes, it's Hubby's too) going through the girls' wardrobes to figure out what was needed for school. Both girls have lost a little weight. I was also going through the storage bins of clothes (I've lost some weight too) and it took a little longer because I wanted to put them back away neatly. Kitty got bored. All of her jeans were too big. Most of them were dirty.

I told Kitty she couldn't leave the room until we were done. Since I was there to supervise I started directing her in putting away her clean clothes (she keeps her clothes in my room because she's not able to handle them on her own). Already a little triggered because she was restless, Kitty lost it. She snatched a pile of dirty clothes and dumped them in a laundry basket (including a shoe, a belt, and who knows what all.). She refused to pick up the shrapnel (a pair of tights, a couple of socks, a shoe...). After a few minutes of defiance she stormed out. A second later her door slammed and her radio blasted. I went back to what I was doing to give her some time to calm down.

A few minutes later I heard her begin sobbing. I've recently decided my PTSD flares when the kids have meltdowns or I get in a major argument with Bear, and maybe I'm having more trouble with that than with bipolar disorder, which might explain why I haven't been having too much trouble with having stopped the mood stabilizers - the kids have been fairly stable. So when Kitty began sobbing, I cussed a little under my breath and decided to ignore it.

Ponito came in and told me Kitty was crying and Daddy couldn't get her to tell him why. I told Ponito to tell Daddy to ignore it because she was just mad about being told to clean up.

Then I heard her in the hall saying I want my real family. That's when I knew she'd escalated even more and I went to confront her just before she walked in her room. I was pretty frustrated with her, but then discovered she was no longer upset about our disagreement.

Apparently she'd decided to call Biograndma (probably for sympathy) and one of her little sisters answered. Biomom had just recently told me she rarely went to Biograndma's because it was too expensive to travel. This was a shock for Kitty (and combined with already being upset triggered a major meltdown). She said she didn't know what to say to her sister and she hung up after a few seconds conversation because she thought I'd be upset with her talking to them while Biomom was in the house (this was against the rules in the past).

I finally got her emotionally regulated. I reassured her that I knew she could handle talking to the sisters with Biomom in the house and it was OK to call her sisters back, but not until she'd had a chance to calm down ("No, you're not calm yet."). Before that could happen we had to leave the house (Bear's therapy). She did get a chance to call though. Obviously having two events happen right after each other made this event much worse and she's already worried about starting high school in a few weeks.

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I stayed home from work today because Kitty couldn't do her chores without major meltdown. Evil mom wanted her to put up a laundry basket of clean clothes (been telling her to do this for 4 days), pick up the plastic grocery sacs that had somehow gotten spread all over the pantry floor (her job was to clean the floor - she chose to interpret that as move the bags to one side, sweep, move the bags, sweep - but not put away the bags!), and it's her day to do kitty litter.

She's supposed to keep her floor picked up all the time, but she doesn't. She is so easily overwhelmed that several years ago we removed most of her stuff, but cleaning/organizing again was on my "to do" list because it's gotten pretty bad - especially under her bed. Still, there's a couple of piles of sand from volunteer work (it's a sand filled arena) and one of her pillows with microbeads had leaked all over the floors. I do think she's perfectly capable of handling a little sweeping.

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So anyone got a manual of new upgrades and suggestions and whether or not I should completely reprogram or try to patch and tweak? *grin*

Trading off

Tuesday we had more of the same with Bear, but he did calm down so I let Grandma pick him up and take him to "Open Gym" at the church. I was hoping she'd supervise him a little more closely, but there was a miscommunication. Luckily his new girlfriend didn't show up after all.

I lost track of time so we were super late to everything including taking Kitty to meet her new psychiatrist. I hate being rushed! It's so hard on all of us. This psychiatrist is actually located about 4 hours away, but she talks to Kitty via a video camera and screen at our local MHMR! Of course we had to discuss everything in Kitty's files, so in a 1/2 hour period we talked about how Kitty came into foster care; Kitty, Biomom and Bear's diagnoses; Kitty's meltdowns; Kitty's hospitalization; developmental milestones (I'm not much help there) and past trouble with enuresis and encopresis (that's wetting and pooping on herself if you don't know), Kitty's meds and how well they're working.... Basically Kitty is pretty stable so no med changes.

Then Kitty and I rushed to see her attachment therapist. This was not a very upsetting meeting we didn't go over any majorly tough issues, but we did talk about how well Kitty was doing - which immediately prompted her to start asking for special privileges. In the past it's usually been seeing movies I don't approve of or getting to go to a dance. She asks for things a million times and I say No. After awhile she seems ready to handle something and I'll allow her to do it (not after she's been whining of course!). This week she wanted to dye her hair black. The therapist and I alternated over and over reasoning with her (her hair is beautiful as is, she can't afford upkeep...) with Mom said No, period. Ad infinitum.

Kitty seemed OK.

Wednesday, Bear was very well behaved. Hubby had told the boys he'd allow them to join his scuba class that night (yes I'm single parenting it this week while Hubby teaches).

Flash forward to this morning. Kitty hates doing morning aerobics. It's hard for her, she's not very coordinated, and I have to do a lot of redirection (she hates it when I "criticise" her). The last couple of days I've given her a choice. Aerobics with the family or jump on the mini tramp. She quickly learned that the mini tramp is not as fun as it looks, and mom still keeps her on task (she has to jump 20 minutes - it helps with her ADHD). Today she decided to go back to regular aerobics - and the whining continued.

Kitty woke up early (2 hours early!) and wasn't allowed to eat (fasting for some blood work the new p-doc wanted). She whined and complained all through the aerobics tape. Finally we were done and Grandma arrived so I took her to get the blood work done (she was totally fine in public!). Then it came time to do her chores. Today was cleaning her room. You've heard the phrase, "a lick and a promise"? If it were in the dictionary there would be a picture of Kitty next to it.

I've met many men who just don't see dust (you could write on all the furniture in Hubby's house even though he's basically a neat person). Personally I'm a clutter bug. My mom's family grew up in the depression and the phrase "waste not want not" doesn't even begin to describe them. I'd mention they were Scotch "pinch pennies," but I don't want to offend anyone and sound prejudiced.

Kitty's lack of feelings, emotional and physical, have always caused her to be messy and not appear to know it (milk dripping off her chin, blood dripping down her leg, encouraging kids to pinch her arm because she couldn't feel it, not being able to tell you when she last pooped....). We quickly taught her the meaning of the word oblivious. I have to say she's come a LOOOOONG way, but she still has quite a long way to go too.

Junk, clothes, shoes just drip off Kitty and then it's "out of sight, out of mind." (I'm having fun with the sayings today). She'll look at her room which I think is a mess, and see nothing wrong with it. She sweeps a room by waving a broom in the middle and calling it done. Chores have always been a cause of major meltdowns because we expect them to actually get done, when we say to do them (because "later" means never).

So yup, you guessed it, Kitty had a meltdown over doing her chores - and it wasn't even dishes!!

Of course I was supposed to have left for work hours before and was trying to get some e-mails written when she tried to turn the TV on (a privilege reserved for those who have finished their chores). Grandma tried to take over, but Kitty was having none of that. Mom was in the house so she claimed Grandma had no authority over her. My mom and I ended up double teaming her. Kitty's meltdown was inevitable, but it most certainly didn't help for her to feel ganged up on so I went back to my computer to let Grandma handle it. Kitty didn't like that either (she wasn't going to like anything at this point).

I did tell Kitty she was going to work with me which she screamed denials to, but did move upstairs to her room. Grandma offered to help Kitty finish cleaning her room and make her beds, but Kitty would rather yell at Grandma (7 minutes, we timed it). She threatened to jump off the second story railing (I ignored this - she likes to threaten, but was not suicidal). I told the defiant Miss. Kitty to finish up and get something to do because she was going to work with me. Kitty slammed her door and made her beds.

When I didn't immediately come to check on her made bed (Kitty's room is upstairs so Grandma tries to make as few trips up there as possible). Kitty got even angrier because I didn't love her. I know she feels abandoned when I don't follow her and help her regulate, but sometimes it's just too much. Kitty threatened to run away. Again I ignored the rant and continued to work.

Finally Kitty went out the front door. Truthfully I was hoping for this, because she'd already repeatedly screamed her refusal to get in my car to go to work with me and I (rightly) assumed I'd be able to get her in the car once she was out of the house. I'd already started shutting down my computer. I checked her beds and they were mostly made (horrible job, but better than bare mattress with bedding strewn all over. Kitty's flip flops were in the hall so she was barefoot.

Ponito was outside with a friend and he pointed me in the direction she'd started walking. A lady was pushing her baby in a stroller and she hadn't seen Kitty so I knew which way to turn at the next turn. I quickly found Kitty who had circled the block and was probably headed back home (she's not the bravest soul and was probably afraid I wasn't coming for her).

Of course she refused to get in the car and started walking away. I honked the horn to let her know I wasn't above embarrassing her (Sorry neighbors! Hope no one was napping!). I pulled out my cell phone and told her through the open window that I was calling the police to report her as a runaway. That worked.

When we drove right past the house she realized she was stuck. She kicked and hit the car, I informed her she'd be paying for repairs, she stopped. She didn't put her seat belt on (which she carefully pointed out to me), I told her she'd pay the ticket. I had a few moments when I was at stop signs and stoplights when I was afraid she'd get out, but she decided not to. She said she wanted me to get in a wreck so she'd die, but eventually put her seat belt on.

LOTS of "you don't love me"s, suicidal threats, and lots of "I want to go home"s. Not to our house, but back to Nebraska. I said this is home. Nebraska is not an option. She threatened to go live with her grandparents, I reminded her they want her to stay here, and if they took her that would be kidnapping. We talked about how legally, ethically and emotionally she is our child. I reassured her over and over that I love her and will not let her go.

She pulled out the "Home is where the heart is" and my heart is in Nebraska. I'm kind of proud of my answer, "Home is where the heart is, and you have pieces of your heart all over the country, in Nebraska, with your biofamily, and here with us - whether you're mad at us right now or not, your heart is with us."

When we got to work she refused to get out of the car. Luckily? it is a semi-cloudy day. Still this is Texas and it was noon, so she only sat out there a few minutes.

More pouting, discovered that the "4 foot rule" was in place, and was finally given 2 options. "Calm down and get out of my chair or I'll have you sit in the sales guy's office so he can watch you while I make lunch for me, since you didn't want any of the leftovers I brought for lunch." The salesguy is a very large, former military, former police officer who had a tough childhood and is an amazing guy who is pretty understanding of what the kids have been through. He's mentored Bear a little bit. He's got 4 daughters and would never dream of hurting Kitty, but she's intimidated by him nonetheless.

She did calm down, ate the leftovers, complained that she's still "starving," drew for a little while, cleaned up an overflowing toilet (she claims all she did was pee, but that toilet has never overflowed before - I told her she could clean it up anyway as there have been many times when she did make it overflow that she didn't have to clean it up), of course whined because she's bored (told her next time to listen when I say get something to do - she says there won't be a next time and I hope she's right!), and begged for me to call Grandma to come get her so she could go swimming like Bear got to (told her Bear was here for hours before I let Grandma come get him and he didn't fight with Grandma, threaten suicide or run away). Now she's laying on the floor with a blanket, even though she's "not tired." Hopefully she'll sleep until my conference call is over.

Now all I have to do is decide if I should change her meds, call her therapist (will probably just send her a copy of this post), or just blow this off as life as usual.

End of a long week

Friday I took Bear to his intake appointment at the local MHMR. Kitty's appointment was an hour later and I'd arranged with Grandma to bring her for it and pick up Bear. I was going to bring Kitty to Grandma's house when her appointment was done and then go to work. Needless to say that's not how it worked.

Fifteen minutes after Bear's appointment was supposed to start, the receptionist said they thought Kitty would be there too (I'd told them I might have to bring them both), and that they wanted them at the same time. I assumed that meant that they would be in the same room which I wasn't really happy with, but hey they slotted us in two weeks early so I can't complain. I called Grandma and asked her to bring Kitty.

Luckily, Grandma got lost (Ponito was her navigator!) and didn't get there until right at her original appointment time (good thing I'd asked them to come early!), because they'd planned on having two separate intake workers work with the kids which meant I either had to be in two places at once or one child had to do this on their own! Not a viable option. As it was, the worker had Kitty for about 10 minutes without me, and I think she realized the mistake. My kids know very little about their diagnoses and needs, and almost no idea why we were there (Bear knew it was to get a new psychiatrist for med management, but that's not even a big component of what they do so they wanted to get him other services).

Bear of course shut down as soon as we walked in, because they were asking him questions. He hates being asked questions. He mostly just said, "She can answer that." (That's my name by the way, She. Both of them call me that most of the time, especially when they're upset. They will clarify that they mean "my mom," if asked, and they call me Mom to my face, but put them in a therapy session and my name becomes "She" or "Her.")

I think it irritates Bear most when I'm there because he can't lie, or conveniently forget stuff. His life is absolutely perfect and he has absolutely no reason to be in... counseling, ARD meetings, meeting with intake workers.... He also knows that I will not allow him to run away (dissociate, distract the listener, pretend nothing's wrong, shift the blame to others, claim his labels are wrong...) and that I will hold him accountable - and it makes him mad.

In most cases, I cannot allow him to pretend there is nothing wrong, because it means he won't get the services he thinks he doesn't need. I've mostly reconciled myself to the fact that this means I will always be the bad guy. If he can't trust me enough to love me then at least I'm still fulfilling a purpose (advocating for him when he can't advocate for himself). Maybe someday he'll see that I do it because I care.

The caseworked asked him some questions that I could not answer, mostly about whether or not he is suicidal or taking drugs. I have no idea whether or not he answered them truthfully, but I doubt it. I think it's pretty much a given that Bear will get in to the program. Which means not only psychiatric care, but transition and independent living training (he's almost 17) and case management. I'm a little nervous about the case management - that's one reason we proceeded with adoption even though we weren't totally sure, because we wanted to get CPS (Child Protective Services) out of our lives. we've been burned by CPS, but hopefully they'll be trying to help him and not trying to prosecute us for BS that never happened.

Kitty's appointment was not as cut and dried. Basically she's fairly stable, we're able to handle the behaviors/issues she's exhibiting, she's not quite old enough to need independent living training (15, but only going to be a freshman in high school this year), she has a wonderful counselor and really all we need is med management. They don't provide only med management, so we'll see if they decide to make an exception in our case.

By the time we finished the kids' appointments it was almost 1pm. I took Kitty home to the other kids and Grandma, ate some lunch and fell asleep (I'm still having troubles with insomnia so the night before I hadn't gone to bed until 4ish). I didn't go to work at all which did not make Hubby happy.

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Saturday Bear had therapy and the therapist really seems to be digging in. He's not focused on Bear's past at all and doesn't seem to be trying to get Bear to do any Cognitive Behavioral Therapy changes (which I don't think would work for kid's with Bear's issues anyway). He seems to be focused on getting Bear to accept accountability for his feelings and behaviors. He kept Bear talking through his agitation instead of shutting down, so that's definitely a step in the right direction. Maybe this therapist will work out after all.

I've discovered that therapists who answer crisis calls and provide parental support are rare so apparently I've been expecting too much. Maybe the MHMR caseworker will be helpful in those areas. This therapist has always had one or both of us parents sitting in on Bear's sessions, with never a mention of individual therapy, which is good too. He mostly talks to Bear, but we can participate and contribute easily.

Hubby was teaching scuba this weekend so it was just Bear and I at therapy (Bob was stuck sitting in the lobby because she did not want to hang out with Grandma at an Art Class). Bear did get thoroughly agitated during the session, so between that and the MHMR session he was pretty much a grumpy pill all weekend. I got to tell him he was not allowed on the computer, because we had evidence that he'd gotten yet another e-mail account (he's only supposed to use the one we provided so we could check up on him). He denied it of course, but he'd made the mistake of printing out and leaving the confirmation stuff on the printer. I also thwarted his plans to hang out with a friend and get that friend to give him a back pack. To the extent of having Grandma take her phone off the hook so he couldn't speak to the kid after 9:30pm.

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I did not hear from our sales guy regarding any new clients bringing us money (in particular the big client we were hoping to hear from) so I have to assume they have not contacted us. This means I have no idea what will be happening to the company. Hubby has pretty much decided that no matter what happens with the potential big client he does not want to give up, so if anyone can continue to pull us through by sheer will power I guess he can (he's done it for 2 years now). I'm even more focused on/enmeshed in dealing with the kids now, and the economy doesn't really seem to be picking up any time soon, but God has surprised us before.

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Gonna try to catch up on my blog reading now. I'm down to only 200 posts behind! If I usually read and comment on your blog it's not because I don't love you that you haven't heard from me lately! I'm just horribly behind. I really need to stop reading so many, or just hit "Mark All As Read," but it's like giving up friends!

Hugs and prayers,
Mary