Biomom e-mail

Biomom sent me an e-mail yesterday. Suppose it means anything that every computer I've ever had automatically sends her e-mails to junk mail?

It was a short e-mail asking how the kids are doing. No idea what to tell her. Kitty is doing OK, but Bear is really struggling.

She sent pictures of my kids 3 younger sisters, and her and her fiancee. One of the sisters looks so sad. Was hard to look at because it reminded me so much of the pictures of Kitty when she was young. Not physically (this is the sibling that is 1/2 African American), but the eyes.

The hardest part was some of the pictures were taken here in TX. It's a big state and where they were was not really near us, but since birth family is from Nebraska this means they were in the state without telling us.

Now I have 2 decisions to make. One, what to tell Biomom about how the kids are doing. Two, whether or not to show the kids the pictures of the birthfamily in front of the sign showing they were here in TX. There were other pictures so I could leave those out.

Just when you thought

Just when you thought it couldn't get any crazier around here!

Yesterday was biomom's birthday, and the day before yesterday I'd gotten some of the family Christmas pictures (We always have one of just Bear and Kitty so we can send them to biofamily). So I decided to e-mail her the Christmas picture and a few others.

We don't have an open adoption, and it wasn't my choice to begin contact with her, but I like keeping my options open with her. She's given me some baby pictures of the kids, and answered some of my questions (as far as I can tell mostly honestly). Mostly I stroke her ego a little, but occasionally I'll ask tough questions about the kids' lives with her.

Last time she wrote she told me that she regretted giving away Bear and Kitty and wished she hadn't done it. Quite frankly I was upset by this, and told her straight out that she did the right thing, and she should have done it sooner. I didn't hear from her for months, and assumed I'd offended her. Then I got her friend request on Facebook. I refused and closed my (hardly used) Facebook account.

A couple of days ago on her birthday, I sent the kids' biomom Christmas pictures and a few snaps from the last 6 months. The following is the e-mail she sent back. The fourth paragraph is the part I'm freaking out over. My first instinct is to say "Hell yes!" Hubby is concerned that we'd have to give her our address and other personal information. We also discussed the fact that at least one of the girls has a father who is at least nominally involved in her life.

The grandparents said at one point that they wanted the girls so this would probably go around their wishes. I know Biomom is semi-estranged from her mother who put her in foster care at age 14 because she was "out of control" (sound familiar?), and her mother is constantly running Biomom down in front of all of the grandchildren. Quite frankly I don't want the woman even talking to my kids on the phone, but I tolerate it because she is their grandma.

Okay, I'll stop until you've had a chance to read the e-mail.

Subject: Re: Happy Birthday

Dear Mary,

Thank you so much. That was the best Birthday present I could have received. I am so happy to hear the kids are doing well! I can't believe how good they look well grown up!!! They both look very happy! And well adjusted. I think about them everyday. The holidays are the worst but I have been doing alright.

Yes, the girls (Bear and Kitty's biosisters that remain in Biomom's home) have
grown so much, they are doing really well and {one year old sister} is so arnery. She reminds me of {Bear} when he was little. She has such a little temper. LOL...
Right now I don't have any recent pictures, we are getting them taken at Walmart this week end providing we aren't still snowed in, and I soon as I get them I will
send them to you.

I am almost finished with another semester of school. Three more to go to get that degree! I feel this is such a great accomplishment for me.

Mary, on a serious note, I have been wanting to ask you a question concerning my girls, and haven't really known how to ask. I see you have done a wonderful job with {Bear and Kitty}, and I am worried that if something were to happen to me, that they will be caught up in the system, and was wondering if I could leave a living will for them to come to you and Hubby.

I just worry about them so much and want them to be in the right place. I am
sorry to ask this question but I just need somewhere where I know they will be
alright. I will want what is best for them also and I know deep in my heart that
they will be good with you. I am not saying anything is going to happen any time
soon, but just in case. Well you think about that wonderful question and then
let me know. I think I trust you more than anyone I know.

And Mary, once again, thank you for the pictures. That was an awesome birthday present! I love when you send pictures of the kids. It makes me feel connected to them still and as their bio mom, I think I need that.

Thanks

{Biomom}

Some of the friends and family I've discussed this with are concerned that we'd be (potentially) bringing more damaged children into a family already dealing with a lot. Others are supportive.

There are several reasons I am planning on saying yes.

1. These kids are related to my children. The older two lived with Bear and Kitty (the girls are now 7 and 10). They are family.

2. If something happens to Biomom this would be the only way we would ever get custody of them. At least one of them has a birthfather that is still nominally involved in her life. The grandmother said she wanted them at one point, but she might not feel the same way if they are older and harder to handle, plus this is the woman who "raised" Biomom. We have no relationship with any of the birthfathers (since they all have different ones) so we may never hear from the girls again. We have NO legal rights to them. Legally my kids are not even related to them anymore. Unless the girls were placed into Nebraska foster care we would most likely not even know about it (and maybe not then, but we did ask to be placed in the notes as being interested in adoption if they entered the foster care system).

3. I do not feel our family is done. While I definitely plan to wait until Bear graduates from high school, and Hubby would rather wait until Kitty is out of the house as well, I am still considering adopting more children (this time younger than my youngest child instead of older than my oldest!). Except for the one year old, the kids are the ages I would potentially be looking for. With these children, while I know they are as potentially "damaged" as my kids are, at least I mostly know what I'm getting myself into and some of the resources we will need. We know at least one of the children is also ADHD (like Kitty) and the bipolar disorder comes from the mother's side. We know a lot of the history of the family.

4. And the number one reason? I'm certifiably insane and masochistic and can't imagine my life without constant stress and chaos.

We would definitely proceed carefully, and avoid giving Biomom any more information about us than she already knows. We would also try to make sure this was a "First Option" kind of deal. We might be totally broke or be having a monstrous crisis at our house or it might not be the right thing for one or even all of the children -we don't want to be legally stuck in a bad situation. We are aware that this would be a private adoption and there for the kids would not be eligible for Medicaid or the adoption subsidies that help make having Kitty and Bear affordable (the co-pays alone for their meds would be over $200 a month or more!)

I'm totally open to thoughts, opinions and suggestions! (Just please don't get offended if they are not taken!)

PS How scary is it that she trusts me more than anyone she knows?!!

Have I been an ostrich?

This is an e-mail I received from Kitty's EMDR therapist. Am I prepared for this? I guess we've been progressing so far and so well that I want to think this is a glitch, something that will blow over. I've got a call in to the AT therapist hoping she'll tell me something different, but this was a real wake up call.

Mary,

My thoughts are these. I will be happy to do any configuration with biomom; I don 't want her here at the house. I will only see her at the south office. I do think you have to consider actual inpatient treatment for her; and I hate saying that because I am not crazy about anything but this can't go on. See if ___________ (RTC Bear went to) has a place for her; check with _____________ (local girls-only RTC I used to work at many years ago) and see if she is appropriate for them. There is a place in (about an hour away) called _________; I had someone there several years ago. I am not super crazy about anything except the kind of treatment I was trained in; but I don't know myself anyone else in the area who does that kind of work.

Now why I am suggesting that you find out about these placements is--if she sees biomom or not we have to be ready to have a safe place with adequate staff to contain her. If she sees her it can be awful as you are clearly aware of; if she doesn't and knows Bear does see her, it will be horrific. My personal preference is to not delay the inevitable; force the issue; but have your ducks lined up before you make the decision which way to move.

She will ask (biomom) to take her "home". We know that can't happen. She will melt down or attack her in some way--maybe just verbally. But it won't be pretty, and your home will get the fall out either way. She is out of control, and you are getting too tired. It won't help anyone if you get sick because of this child who has so many problems. Right now I think she needs more help than you and (Hubby) can provide in the home and keep your home environment healthy for you. She ties up so much of your energy.

I have worked with many kids like her; and the one hour office visit really isn't enough. I think she would have a better chance with a 24/7 contolled environment for a long period for her to get other professionals (plural) to do what you are trying to do with so little help. But I am here for the long haul. I will do whatever you are ready to try. I believe you are both wonderful parents and you got much more than you signed on for. No decision you make will be wrong. As I learned many years ago, you can't damage these kids further. The damage was already done by the time you got them.

See you tomorrow.
(EMDR therapist)

What to do?!

Not sure how much more I can take.

Kitty is still not stable. Every day she has a meltdown (or three). Today she was vocal about not wanting to do it (and how nobody cares about her), but actually did her school work (she had been told she definitely could not go back to school if she doesn't). No school tomorrow either though.

She is also constantly hungry and demanding sugary sweets (it's actually pretty common for her to ask for things she can't have when she is trying to distract herself from stuff she's upset about). We eat a very health conscious diet. No real limits on food, but almost everything available is whole wheat, low fat and low sugar, lots of fruits and veggies. Kitty constantly wants us to take her out to eat and to go buy her junk food (how do you convince a child you have NO money without scaring her). She is constantly talking about how she is “used” to sweets and junk food (after only 5 days).

Finally got hold of her psychiatrist and requested that we try upping her ADHD meds (was suggested by the psychiatric hospital). We'll pick up the new prescription tomorrow, and she can start it Friday morning. The psychiatrist said it depends on why she's acting this way. If it really is the ADHD, then this should make things better. If it's the bipolar disorder, then this will make things much worse.

Work is really stepping up. All my hiding and vegging on the internet is no longer possible. I really hope this means the money is going to start coming in. Having Kitty at work everyday is very difficult. She can't be quiet (singing, whining, fussing), she can't stop complaining, and she doesn't want to be there or do her schoolwork so she is often arguing at a level the whole building can hear.

Took Bear to therapy to discuss biomom's visit. We will be working on a list of ground rules for biomom that I will send to her. Luckily the therapist had two appointments available on that day. Biomom will meet with therapist, and then Hubby, therapist and I. We'll take a break for lunch (separately), pick up Bear and then meet up again in the therapist's office.

The therapist added to the warnings that Kitty is not going to easily understand why she can't see biomom. He suggested that Kitty's therapist might want to meet with biomom. He also suggested that Kitty might want to make a list of things that she wants me to ask biomom about. This seems like something good to offer Kitty. I just know she's going to be upset no matter what we do. Maybe I should just let her see biomom, after making sure biomom agrees to follow some ground rules, and then deal with the fall out.

I still don't know if I'm making the right decision here. If only the timing were different. Kitty starts public school the day after biomom's visit. I'm half tempted to say we could do it anyway. She hasn't seen biomom in over 4 years. (Biomom snuck in to see Bear's games and practices, practically stalking him, so he saw her last 2 years ago, just before he moved to Texas). She didn’t have that kind of opportunity with Kitty that I know of. Bear is pretty adamant that he is not emotionally bothered by any of this. He really has matured. His RAD is definitely showing though he appears to be completely unemotional about biomom, and talks about how little time he spent with her as he was growing up.

Kitty's ARD (IEP meeting) to discuss available services for her when she starts public school) will be on Friday the 16th. Biomom comes Monday the 19th. Public school starts Tuesday the 20th.

E-mail from biomom!

So I received this e-mail yesterday and I'm still reeling. I have no idea how to deal with this. My first instinct is to say h*@l NO! I did NOT sign up for this. We never agreed to anything but a closed adoption. Because my children are older we really didn't have a lot of choice about allowing contact with biofamily (siblings (when biomom wasn't around), grandparents, aunts and uncles, and cousins). They had the numbers memorized. I did draw the line at contact with biomom, which the kids were fine with - they "hate" her. Long story, but biomom got my e-mail and began communicating with me. She gave me baby pictures and answered questions about their past so I decided to go with it.

Dear Mary,

I am sorry that is has taken so long to write back. I have been busy with the semester ending and the baby was sick with RSV and in the hospital. She is better now. I would like to answer some of your questions.

As far as the childrens fathers, the information that I have already given is all I know about either of them. But do know (Bear)s dad didn't know about him until he was 5 years old, and (Kitty)'s dad, doesn't know about her, I have seached many times to try to find him. I have come up with nothing.

I thought the children were already diagnosed with childhood bipolar, that is what the dr. here told me. They both were on many medicications, and we went to a psycologist for these problems. Yes, there are many relatives who are diagnosed with this and also, ADHD. and learning disabilities. As far as (Bear)'s tatoos, I don't know when he got those, because he didn't get them while he was with me. And M (ex-husband) is the only one that hurt him, J (ex-husband and father of one fo their sisters) was very good with (Bear) and wanted nothing more than a father son relationship with him.

I have a very big question to ask you and will understand if you say no, but my friend and I are coming to Texas in a couple of weeks for a class we are taking (the study of another culture) We are going close to the border to examine the Mexican Culture and the ways of life they have there.), and I was wondering if in a theraputic session, if maybe I could see the children. I know this is a hard decision, however, I am asking you from the bottom of my heart, it has been 4 years since I have seen them. I would also like to meet the wonderful woman who is has taken in my children and given them a good home. I will come alone, but I asking you from one mother to another if there is anyway this is possible. I would love to explain to my children what had happened. Mary, I am not a bad person, and I care deeply for my children, this is why I asked for them to be helped, because I couldn't do it myself. I wasn't strong enough, if I knew then what I know now, it would have never been done. I wanted my children to have a good life and be taken care of, and that was something I couldn't do at the time, I have grown up alot in the past 4 years, and am really trying to get my life back together.

I am now studying to get my Bachlors Degree in Businees, Computers and Sociology. It has been a very hard semester last one, but I am hanging in there. I am attaching some pics that we have had taken. The kids grow so fast. (Bear) and (Kitty) are absolutly gorgous Children.

I do want to say thank you that you keep in touch with me, that does mean alot to me. Anyway I am done rambling and am hoping that we can work something out, about me seeing the kids. But I do understand if it isn't possible.

My phone number is xxx-xxx-xxxx, if sometime you would like to call me.. and again, Thank you so much.

(Biomom)

Here is the e-mail she was responding to.

--- On Wed, 11/26/08, Mary wrote:

Hi (Biomom),

I realized it had been awhile since I’d sent you any pictures. These are from (Bear)’s birthday. He was being awfully silly! His hair has grown out even more since then and he has gorgeous curls! The bandages on his arm and hand are from tattoo removals (don’t know when he did these to himself, but it was before he came to us. Removing them was his decision.).

Both (Bear) and (Kitty) are making good grades. (Bear) made all As on his last report card and (Kitty) was pretty close. They’re still having a tough time in school, but are working hard to get caught up. Everyone is impressed with how hard (Kitty) works to compensate for her learning disabilities.

(Kitty) in particular is asking a lot of questions about her birth father lately. She eventually wants to search for him. Any additional information you have would be greatly appreciated. You mentioned he was in his 40s – I assume you mean now and that he was in his 30s then? Do you know what state he was from? The name of the fair. Anything that might be helpful? Also we would love any photos or stories you might have of him or (Bear)’s biodad. You mentioned (Kitty) looks like your Aunt, she’d love to see pictures of her too.

(Bear)'s account of yours and his relationship with his birthfather and after is a little jumbled. An adult’s account might be very helpful in his therapy.

Also any medical history would be great. Specifically is there anyone with bipolar disorder related to the children? (Bear) was diagnosed with this fairly recently and they are considering it for (Kitty). Learning disabilities, any other mental illnesses, or health issues, in the family? I assume ADD runs in the family since you mentioned that one of their sisters was recently diagnosed with it too. Also was there any head trauma for either of them that you know of? I know when (Bear) was hurt by Mike (and others?) that this could have occurred, but wondered if there were any specific instances you were aware of.

I feel I need to assure you that I would NEVER make judgments about you, I didn’t live in your shoes and I don’t know what you’ve been through. I want you to know I NEVER say mean things about you to the children. I have ALWAYS reassured them that you loved them, but just could not take care of them at the time. (Kitty) still misses you and the girls very much, but mostly understands that she is where she belongs now. (Bear) is still hurting (and angry), but he gets better every day. The children are blessed that they have two families who love them very much.

Thank you,

Mary

" Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

So I forwarded the e-mail to all the therapists, but of course it's the weekend so they won't respond until next week. I was going to just go with my first instinct and tell her "H*@l NOOOOO!", but then I realized that all the biofamily would probably know about the trip, which means the kids would know too, which means if I make the decision without telling them, they will hear about it, and that could damage MY relationship with them.

I think Bear would say no as he is still VERY angry with her, but I could be wrong. I know Kitty would want to see her. So of course Kitty is the one who is in the worst emotional place to deal with this. *mega sigh*.

We've kept biomom away from the kids because the NE therapist and social workers recommended it. They said biomom repeatedly claimed it was the kids' fault she put them in foster care (and had no problem saying so to them). It took almost a year of therapy to convince Kitty that she didn't lose her whole family because she threw a chair and was out of control. It was hard to convince Kitty that biomom's choices caused most of Kitty's behavior issues, without putting down biomom.

To be honest, I know biomom hasn't changed much in regards to her lifestyle (abusive men, running from her problems...), but what concerns me most is that she didn't lose custody for abuse (although she should have). She only has to convince the kids that it was for their own good, or that she didn't actually want to give them up (which biofamily has told my kids repeatedly). I KNOW this was not true. NE was totally floored when biomom decided to TPR (terminate parental rights) and tried to talk her out of it - they even required that she take a class first, but she still TPRed).

If I allow the kids to see her for an hour or so she has no reason to act anything but wonderful, sweet and loving. It's a short period of time, and out of context. Biomom gets to look good in the kids' eyes. With their black and white thinking they are likely to forget all the nasty history and think of her as wonderful. Which makes me the evil woman that keeps them from their loving Mommy. This could be a great opportunity for closure, but 4 years after the fact, with a mom that doesn't have to explain why she terminated rights? I can't win!

So what would you do?

Letter to biomom

Still need to blog about Kitty's meltdown with the AT, but I wanted to share this letter I decided to e-mail to biomom. I hope I made a good choice.






Hi (Biomom),

I realized it had been awhile since I’d sent you any pictures. These are from Bear’s birthday. He was being awfully silly! His hair has grown out even more since then and he has gorgeous curls! The bandages on his arm and hand are from tattoo removals (don’t know when he did these to himself, but it was before he came to us. Removing them was his decision.).

Both Bear and Kitty are making good grades. Bear made all As on his last report card and Kitty was pretty close. They’re still having a tough time in school, but are working hard to get caught up. Everyone is impressed with how hard Kitty works to compensate for her learning disabilities.

Kitty in particular is asking a lot of questions about her birth father lately. She eventually wants to search for him. Any additional information you have would be greatly appreciated. You mentioned he was in his 40s – I assume you mean now and that he was in his 30s then? Do you know what state he was from? The name of the fair. Anything that might be helpful? Also we would love any photos or stories you might have of him or Bear’s biodad. You mentioned Kitty looks like your Aunt, she’d love to see pictures of her too.

Bear's account of yours and his relationship with his birthfather and after is a little jumbled. An adult’s account might be very helpful in his therapy.

Also any medical history would be great. Specifically is there anyone with bipolar disorder related to the children? Bear was diagnosed with this fairly recently and they are considering it for Kitty. Learning disabilities, any other mental illnesses, or health issues, in the family? I assume ADD runs in the family since you mentioned that one of their sisters was recently diagnosed with it too. Also was there any head trauma for either of them that you know of? I know when Bear was hurt by Mike (and others?) that this could have occurred, but wondered if there were any specific instances you were aware of.

I feel I need to assure you that I would NEVER make judgments about you, I didn’t live in your shoes and I don’t know what you’ve been through. I want you to know I NEVER say mean things about you to the children. I have ALWAYS reassured them that you loved them, but just could not take care of them at the time. Kitty still misses you and the girls very much, but mostly understands that she is where she belongs now. Bear is still hurting (and angry), but he gets better every day. The children are blessed that they have two families who love them very much.

Thank you,
Mary
" Life isn't about how to survive the storm, but how to dance in the rain."

Biomom

I can be a big weenie when it comes to telling the kids "No" about things I know will cause an emotional response. It's why I will never actually win the Meanest Mom in the World title - although I've been nominated many times. Just call me Susan Lucci!

Recently Kitty has been asking to talk to birthmom. She thinks she's ready. After several months of EMDR I have to admit she's actually been able to talk about biomom without major meltdowns; however I do not really want to allow this.

We do not have any kind of open adoption agreement with biomom. The children were not removed from her care (although there was definitely abuse and neglect) so there are no criminal reasons we can cite. When we first got the children we were told by their therapist (who'd been with them since before biomom voluntarily terminated parental rights - TPR) to keep the kids away from biomom. She stated that biomom continued to blame the children for the TPR and said inappropriate emotionally damaging things to the children. It took us over a year to convince Kitty that the reason she went into foster care had nothing to do with her throwing a chair or being out of control and in fact was NOT her fault.

Because of the black and white thinking of my children they do not have a realistic picture of biomom. Bear hates her - with a passion - and doesn't want her near him or even to know anything about him. Kitty however has never really understood adoption or what happened. In her eyes she had a great life, no rules, no discipline, and she "doesn't remember" any abuse (although she mentions it in passing sometimes). She originally blamed her temper tantrums for getting her into foster care, but now that we've helped her remove the self-blame, she seems to have no understanding of how she came to be there. It was stated in her bio on the internet that she was open to the idea of adoption, but didn't understand why she needed an new mom when she already had one.

I know Kitty would walk right back into biomom's life without questions. I think that's why I don't want her to talk to biomom -who insists that she gave up the children only because she couldn't get the services they needed, and she needed to protect the younger children. Of course she is right. Even when I got them, 1 1/2 years of foster care later, the chidren were very damaged. They were a danger to themselves and others.

TWO MAJOR differences though - While I almost returned the children to foster care because of their behavior I did NOT (admittedly I had access to more support and services). But the biggest difference - I didn't make them this way!

Biomom is still insisting that she did what was best for the children and that she still loves them dearly and misses them every day. In almost every e-mail she talked to me as though I was the children's foster mother. In May, when she found out her last baby was a girl she expressed disappointment that she wasn't able to give Bear a little brother. That was the final straw for me. I told her that I had given my son Bear a little brother, and they loved each other very much. I didn't hear from Biomom again until she sent an announcement that the baby was born (in September) and I haven't heard from her since.

So now Kitty, who every time she gets upset still tells me she wants to go "Home" to Nebraska and biomom, is wanting to talk to biomom again. She hasn't talked to biomom in 3.5 years. She just wants to hear her voice and ask how she's doing. I refuse to criticize bioparents - I know how important that is (my mom never criticized my father in front of me - even when he was doing some pretty horrible stuff to get custody - and I appreciate how hard that must have been - but I'm so glad she did it.) Kids shouldn't have to hear negative things about the parents they love. I did haveto point out that Biomom wasn't the best parent for Kitty. Kitty has to blame someone, and I don't want it to be Kitty anymore.

I can't win this! I want Kitty to have some closure and say goodbye to Biomom, but neither Kitty nor Biomom want this. Is it right for me to want it? I think talking to this woman will damage Kitty's relationship with me, and strengthen her relationship with Biomom. The minute Kitty is out of the house she would go right back to Biomom. That wouldn't be such a bad thing if I thought Kitty could stand up for herself and see the world with the values we've tried to instill in her, but I can see Biomom manipulating Kitty into hating our family and doing anything Biomom wants (probably raising Biomom's kids and ending up in the same type of relationships as Biomom has had - a string of abusive men).

This woman hurt my babies and then threw them away. Why should she get to enjoy them now that I've "fixed" them? Especially since she will probably just "break" them again -when it might be too late to help them heal.

Still when Kitty asked me if she could speak to Biomom I admit I couldn't tell her no. I'm tired of being the bad guy. So I did something awful and then forgot to warn the therapist about it. I told Kitty that it was never my decision not to allow her to talk to Biomom. That it had been her Nebraska therapist's decision (true). We talked about some of the NE therapist's reasons again (primarily that Biomom still blamed the children for the TPR) and Kitty assured me she knew the truth and wouldn't believe that.

That's when I did the bad thing, I said I didn't know if Kitty was ready yet, but that we could ask her therapist. She wanted to ask her EMDR therapist right away, but I said she hadn't known Kitty long enough. I told Kitty she would have to wait until we started seeing the Attachment Therapist -AT - again, and had seen her a couple of times.

So we saw the AT for the first time on Tuesday, and Kitty remembered. The therapist didn't tell Kitty what she wanted to hear, but it's late and that's a long story, so I'll try to post it tomorrow.

When the past won't stay past!

Yesterday, Bear mentioned that his and Kitty's little sisters would be staying with Biograndma. Of course I had to let them talk to them. I can't say it out loud, but I wish I could just make all the biofamily just go away. It brings up so much for the kids, although they are finally getting to the point that they don't act out as much. Actually yesterday it was the biokids that were trying to drive me insane. Lots of "I wish we still only had two kids." I have to admit that yesterday I was a little cranky and short with all the kids which probably made it all worse.



They hate shopping with me, but when Hubby teaches scuba, they can't stay home so they have to go. We went to Salvation Army as usual and got more clothes (Ponito is growing again and needed jeans. Bob needed PE clothes for school.) Bob and I got in a big argument because I found the shorts she needed in the men's department (have to be plain and long). She hates that men's shoes and clothes fit. Everyone was bored and whiny.



We ate lunch out at Burger King (a big treat), but I made them use coupons so they didn't all get exactly what they wanted. More pouting! Then I told them I had a surprise activity planned. Kitty immediately starts guessing that we're going to the airport to pick up her sisters! *sigh* She knows it won't happen, but she keeps bringing it up. The activity was a children's sewing class. They would learn how to sew on a button and stitch together a felt animal. This went over like a lead balloon!! I used to be a professional seamstress so I want my kids to at least be able to sew on a button, but I know they don't want to learn from me.



I stayed with them, because I didn't feel comfortable leaving the teachers with my whiny, emotionally disturbed... well, brats is the nicest way to describe them at the moment! After about 20 minutes I stepped away. I realized the kids were behaving worse with me around. I went to talk to some of the other moms. Bear was the oldest kid there, but there was a pretty 14 year old girl there with her cousins (she is interested in Project Runway type sewing). He ended up hanging out with his siblings though. I had to keep sending kids back to the sewing tables, they wanted to hang out with me!



Bob has worked on sewing with Grandma a little so she had sewn a button before. She insisted on sewing the felt animal her own way, but was still the first kid to finish. There were about 25 children there. The majority of them between ages 8-10. For the longest time, my two were the only boys. Toward the end, the twin of one of the little girls showed up and he decided to make an animal too. After finishing her animal, Bob proceeded to actually lay on the floor and whine about wanting to leave. I told them we weren't going to leave until all 4 kids were done.



Ponito and Kitty finally finished, but Bear was still plugging away. Looking at his and Kitty's work, fine motor skills are something they definitely need to work on. Ponito ended up going back and reworking Kitty's project! The class was 2 hours. Bear was the last child to finish. We were there 2 hours and 15 minutes!! I had a nice time visiting with the parents and one of the teachers was someone I knew from my past life (pre-kids!). The last time I saw her was a fashion show. I found out later I was pregnant with Bob at the time. The teacher was a little surprised to see all my kids!

So after finishing the shopping (Mrs. Bairds thrift store where I bought them snack pies, Big Lots, and Sam's Club), we managed to squeeze all the stuff in the trunk of my little car, with the bottled water and a couple of other things in the front seat (which meant Bear could no longer sit up front without his knees touching his nose) and more in the back seat in laps.

My car is already very tiny when you include, Big Bear (5'9", 190lbs, BIG shoulders, the inability to keep his knees less than a foot apart, and the constant twitching and shifting his shoulders - nervous tic), Bob (5'8", 170lbs and size 13W feet), Kitty ("only" 5'4", 130lbs and is recently obsessed with sitting up front so she can do the shifting - it's an automatic so she puts it in reverse and drive), and poor little Ponito is required to always sit in the middle of the backseat, because as the smallest/youngest one he is never allowed to take a turn up front, and the middle seat has no head rest so it's not as safe for all the big kids. The other kids rotate who sits in the front seat.

So on the way home, Bear asks to call the Grandparents so they can talk to their sisters. He'd tried earlier, but no one answered. He'd managed to keep my cell phone - something that irritates me since he's already stolen it from me once. He spent a few minutes talking to Grandma and the little girls - actually a pretty perfuctory conversation. Then Kitty got on.

Kitty found out that the baby was at Grandma's house, and so was biomom. They were all getting ready to go to a birthday party. Kitty talked to her sisters about innocuous stuff (how old the girls were, when is their birthday...). When she found out the baby was there, she asked if "Barb" (not her real name) was there. Apparently the girls asked why she said "Barb" instead of "Mom." Kitty gave me a furtive glance and said that since her adoption she had a new Mom. She said "Barb" will always be her mom though. At least she didn't say "real" mom.

This has got to be so hard on Kitty. She misses her biofamily so much. I always make it perfectly clear that I understand and it is OK for her to miss them (and her foster family, and Nebraska) I NEVER run down Barb, although I have had to occasionally point out that some of her choices weren't the best. It's such a fine line. I don't want Kitty (or Bear) to think that Barb just couldn't handle them at the time (and that that was all thier fault) and now that they were "better" she would happily take them back and everything would be fine (although Barb does act like the kids are just out on loan to me.) I don't mind the kids continuing their relationships with their biofamily. Now though Kitty is wanting to know why she can't talk to Barb.

When we first got the kids, we were told by caseworkers and therapists that Barb was unable to accept any blame for what happened and that she actively blamed the children. The fact that her neglectful parenting, choice in men (abusive toward both her and the kids), constantly running away from her problems - usually out of state, etc. was a big factor in why the children had issues was never acknowledged by her. We were told it was in the childrens' best interest to not allow her to communicate with them.

A biofamily member gave Barb my e-mail address and she started communicating with me. It was evident that nothing had really changed in her attitude toward the kids. She seemed to think that they were still "hers."

I have told Kitty that biomom still acted like it was the children's fault that they were no longer in the home. Kitty says she now knows that is not true, and therefore it doesn't matter what biomom says. She wants to know why she cannot talk to biomom. She assures me that she would not say anything she shouldn't. I just don't know what to do. Early on in attachment therapy, we had Kitty pretend that an empty chair was biomom and tried to get her to tell biomom what she wanted to say (to help with closure). Kitty was unable to handle it even for a few seconds and ended up having to be restrained. That was over a year ago though.

EMDR therapy and 1 1/2 years of attachment therapy have helped Kitty a lot. She still does not accept hugs and affection from me unless it is on her own terms, she still has the occasional meltdown, but she no longer rages. Maybe she could/should talk to biomom. Maybe I should set up the conversation to give her some closure (which she never got) - I know biomom wouldn't be pushing for "closure" though.

Kitty has definite symptoms of Borderline Personality Disorder (as does Bear). One thing that means is that she always sees things as black and white. I worry that she will only remember the good times with biomom and block out the bad stuff. I worry that she will see me as her warden, keeping her from her "real" family. I know she wants the new baby to know her. I know she misses her sisters. Right now she wants to bring her sisters here, but what if she decides she would rather be there?

Right now, as far as I know, biomom is currently single. She bought a house and went back to school. She kicked out her latest abusive boyfriend (the baby's father) months ago. All I know about her life right now makes it seem as though everything is fine. Why wouldn't Kitty think about going back? Bear hates biomom at the moment (actually since he moved in with us), so I don't worry about him wanting to go back. With his RAD (a serious attachment disorder) he will most likely never really want much of a relationship with his little sisters beyone the "Hi. How are you?" stuff. Kitty on the other hand, is definitely torn. She's my little girl for now, but the minute she turns 18 I can see her going back.

OK, enough angst. I don't need to worry about this right now. I'm going to rest my sore arms and catch up on my reading for the last 45 minutes before all the kids get home from school.

Mary

New baby

Well Bear and Kitty's mom had her baby. She sent me pictures of the baby and one of the kids' younger sisters. First time she's communicated with me since she told me she was disappointed the baby was going to be another girl because she wanted to give Bear a little brother. I felt like she's been treating me like a foster parent and had gotten sick of it. So I told her that I had given Bear a little brother, and a sister for Kitty to play with. I told her I just wanted her to know that the children had a family who loved them and siblings to play with and they were happy. That was in May.

I showed the pictures to Kitty in therapy tonight. She was interested in the picture of her older sisters and how much the 10 year old looks like her. She commented on how the girls have lost their baby fat and are slim like Kitty now. She thinks the baby has her nose, we talked about whether or not that meant Kitty probably has the same nose that biomom does. There were no pictures of biomom, but you could see someone's hand in one of the baby pictures. Kitty thinks she recognizes biomom's fingernails. We then had an in-depth discussion about fingernails and stinky feet. Therapy's not all therapeutic!

At one point in the conversation, Kitty pointed to each of the girls, including the new baby and said you are going to adopt her, and her, and her. This is so hard to watch.

We also talked about the book that Kitty is reading called "The Stuff Stars are Made Of." This is a library book she got with Grandma. The back gives no clue what the story is about so I can't complain to Mom, but... The book is about a girl and her younger brother who are left with the Grandmother and the Mom just takes off. The grandmother is very old and the girl is basically raising the brother, even enrolls him in school herself. One day the boy doesn't get off the bus, and the girl calls the school pretending to be the mother as usual. The school starts asking questions because the Mother picked up the boy at school for a doctor appointment. At the point in the story where Kitty is, the boy hasn't been home for 3 days. The girl has talked to the biodad who she's never met because he's in jail. When he gets out on patrol (parole, but Kitty has trouble with her reading!), he goes looking for the boy.

Kitty tells the therapist about the book and comments how it is similar to biomom. Biomom often left them in the care of others. She insists that the book is not upsetting her at all. *sigh* I don't know how much to protect them, or even how to protect them both at this point.

Kitty confessed that she sleeps better and gets up fine when she goes to sleep at midnight, which she claims to do often. *heavy sigh*

I sent an e-mail to biomom thanking her for the pictures and asking if the baby is OK since she appears to be in an incubator or something medical. Kitty wants to start sending e-mails to her little sisters. I told her it was OK as long as she understood that I needed to be able to review biomom's e-mails first because in the past she has blamed the kids for their removal from the home. Kitty says she knows now that it is not her fault she was put in foster care and it doesn't matter to her if biomom says it. I'm totally torn. Kitty wants the new baby to know who she is, and she wants to communicate to her sister's more often. Since up until now that means only talking to them when they are with the grandparents (2-3 times a year) she misses them a lot.

I think this therapy session was tougher on me than Kitty. Maybe I should insist on EMDR paddles for me too!

Mary

Before and After

I'm still amazed at what my designers could do with some poor quality, scanned in photos I received from biomom. The first one was torn and looked like it had been chewed by an animal.

Bad puppy!! Bad!

What do you do with a drunken baby?!

What do you do with a drunken baby?!

What do you do with a drunken baby early in the morning?!

Way! Hey! And up it rises -when you clone him another eye!

OK! OK! I'll stop singing!

And last but not least. My favorite photo. Notice the glowing booger in the original!! You probably can't see it, but someone scribbled all over it with a ball point pen too!

Aren't they absolutely adorable children?! I may have been furious that biomom got my e-mail address, but these pictures sure make it seem worth it. Kitty's lifebook came with only a few pictures, luckily one or two included Bear, because he didn't even have a lifebook. The youngest picture I had of him, he looked about 5 years old. For Mother's Day I sent these cleaned up pictures to biomom.

I got a few more, but they didn't clean up as well and were much more casual shots. Although there's one of Bear as an infant that is sooo cute, but it was taken practically in the dark and they couldn't fix it. *sigh*

Mary