Best of the Worst Parenting Advice

This post started off as a comment on a comment at Parenting 24/7 to a person who implied something along the lines of "All teens do that, " but then I read this post over at Accidental Mommy , and realized I had to participate in her Best of the Worst Parenting Advice, and this was a biggie for me.



There is not one thing that can make me crazier, especially at a meeting with people who work with my children, than hearing something along the lines of, don't worry about it, that is just typical teen behavior. Whether it's "Oh, my son does/did stuff like that all the time," "Well, it's understandable that he would act that way," or "That's just how teenage girls are." In other words, I'm overreacting, crazy, expecting too much, and/or too strict.



It can be sooo hard to work with teens with RAD because they have all the same hormones and drama that "normal" teens do, but on top of that they have all the trauma, trust issues and actual brain damage from the RAD. Unlike kids with cerebral palsy or mental retardation, they don't have a lot of overt signs that there is something wrong. This means that those who haven't educated themselves about RAD, PTSD and other related issues may think what they are seeing is normal teen behavior, and maybe some of it is, but it is much much more intense and not something they're just going to grow out of without a LOT of therapeutic treatment.



A "normal" teenage girl might be moody, irritable and a loner. A child with RAD usually lacks the feeling of support (since they trust no one) and the skills and ability to handle these feelings and behaviors. Their issues are 10 times more intense, and usually are focused on family and anyone else they feel is getting too close. My children are experts at hiding their feelings and issues from adults and peers, saving it up to inflict on the family.



Closeness actually causes physical pain for kids with RAD. Imagine that as a small child you almost drowned when you fell through the ice in a frozen lake, and now people you don't trust are trying to get you to go ice skating. You're going to react as though they are trying to kill you! Logically as an adult you may know that they are not trying to kill you, but your emotional reaction is that of a child.



It is not possible to deal with a child with RAD as though they were a "normal" teenager, especially when it comes to discipline.





They do not have the same strengths and supports that a typical teen does. They think anyone trying to get close to them is trying to hurt them and abandon them. The child knows that he or she is a horrible people and if you get too close you will find out; so they must reject you before you reject them.





They do not understand cause and effect (if/then) because they didn't learn this as infants (if they cried, no one came to fix it, or they might have even been beaten instead of cuddled or fed). They learn to ignore their physical and emotional needs to such an extent that they can't feel anything even after the trauma is no longer part of their daily life (my daughter is not ticklish and does not feel pinches, she also cannot tell when she's hungry or full, she cannot tell you what emotion she is feeling....).





In other words, these children don't understand and have no faith or trust in themselves or the people and world around them. The slightest reprimand can trigger an emotional flood and overreaction, while at the same time if they are used to beatings or worse, then the threat of a time out obviously has little to no effect.





Parents of RAD teens deal with a lot of "behind the scenes" issues and many children deliberately make the parents look like mental cases who are overreacting, too strict, horrible disciplinarians picking on a poor, innocent child. Giving the child the "benefit of the doubt," "innocent until proven guilty," "blank slate," "it's a new day" approach reinforces all the wrong things. This child who already has issues with understanding consequences learns that all they need to do is move on to a new school, teacher, program, family... and they can do whatever they want with no repercussions. It may be a "new day" for each new teacher, principal, or behavior program, but it is most definitely not a new day for the family who have to be there to pick up the pieces, deal with the backlash, and live with this child especially if there are siblings involved. Many families, including mine deal with symptoms of PTSD from my "typical teens."



My other favorite piece of advice:



"Don't let him escalate."



That's it. We even took a mandatory class to learn that. Don't you wish you'd known that would solve all your child's issues?





This was my 5'9" 200+lb 13 year old (undiagnosed and untreated for bipolar and RAD yet), with us for less than 2 months after being placed for adoption from another state... son, who had been raging, often for no apparent reasons, but definitely if told No. (this is a picture of him at age 12!)



Some of the behaviors he was exhibiting all the time:

Threatening suicide


Running away (police would eventually find and return him every time),


Physically attacked Hubby several times - throwing punches, biting (Hubby still has the scar), kicking - almost always requiring police intervention,


In his first week of school, threatened to throw another 7th grader out a 2nd story window, cussed out a female teacher, and threatened physical harm to the vice principal,


Threw furniture (upholstered recliner), and various other household items at family members and into walls.


Cussed, screamed, threatened and intimidated all family members, all the time.


Repeatedly running away from respite when he (and his sister) was pulled from our home pending a child abuse charge (he got a tiny bruise on the day he had to be restrained because he was kicking Hubby, threatening to jump through a 2nd story window, had sliced his arm with a homemade razor, bit a chunk of flesh on Hubby's forearm...).





We put him on a wait list for residential treatment (luckily his home state paid for RT since TX never would have), and had to decide what to do while we waited for a bed to open up. Never telling him no was an option I guess, but with 3 young children in the house it wasn't a good one. Luckily the psychiatrist was willing to chemically sedate him (large doses of Depakote). At one point we asked Bear if he wanted us to reduce the dosage and he asked us not to because it was the only way to control his behavior which scared him.





Because the only support we got from the adoption agency was this lovely piece of advice, and there was NO WAY to comply, we would have had no option but to disrupt and return him to Nebraska. Luckily he was not the ward of Texas so we were able to keep him in the residential treatment center long enough to get him properly diagnosed and medicated before he was returned (6 months).

Teenagers and time

Didn't get the job. I'm assuming that's a good thing since I can't seem to find enough hours in the day as it is. I've got a new volunteer job that I'll post about soon.

Kitty is still napping and melting. Napping when she takes her meds. Melting when she doesn't. You'd think it would click when she starts yelling and crying that she hasn't taken her lunchtime meds, but it never does! Hours after I've gotten her calmed down, or she's out on the swings, I'll realize she's missed the med.

Bear has been giving us some trouble lately. He has a new girlfriend. Nothing new there, and wouldn't be a big deal, but his girlfriend is staying with her best friend who lives in our neighborhood. The best friend has a younger friend who is friends with Kitty from the special ed classroom at school. Kitty has become friends with the older sister and her friend (she always seems to do this - especially the ones with mega issues). With me so far?

The older sister is a junior in high school and drives. She'd brought her little sister to our house to hang out with Kitty. Then she recognized Bear from school. She started calling the house to talk to him. She is a large girl, and Bear prefers petite little girls, so he found the older sister annoying, right up until he met her tiny little friend.

So here's where the trouble comes in. Bear is sneaking around to spend unsupervised time with the new girlfriend. The older sister and girlfriend are hanging out here a lot (because I don't let my kids out of my sight - I refuse to become a grandma). Kitty is "bonding" with the older girls.

Kitty is upset with me because I've told her I don't want her hanging out with juniors and seniors in high school (she's only in 8th grade). Nothing against the girls, but Kitty is a mess right now and doesn't need to add to it, plus I'm pretty sure the girls are using her to get closer to Bear. This isn't the first time this has happened. The younger sister doesn't even come over anymore. Also, the girls are nice to Bob too. This sends Kitty into a jealous rage. People are not allowed to like Bob.

Bear is upset with me because he's been busted for lying to me and sneaking around (which he will deny to his dying day). He's also thinking he doesn't need his meds anymore. I've seen some evidence that he's starting to reduce them on his own (unconscious lip movements and irritability).

I need to start channeling Claudia, especially now that I'll have almost all teenagers in the house.

I'm finding that now that I've figured out the key to parenting them {teens}
(you can't control them, no matter what you do, so instruct, consequence, and
observe -- but treat it like a movie that you're watching, and enjoy seeing how
the plot unfolds). Parenting teens by attempting to control them is as foolish
as sitting watching a movie and thinking that by your own will power you can
change then ending.

It's something I need to work on. Probably won't happen for awhile though. I'm still dealing with feeling rundown since I have had to start weaning off my medications. We can't pay for our private health insurance anymore so I can't get my meds or see my doctor. The adopted children are OK because they qualify for Medicaid. The rest of the family are sickeningly healthy.

Better get some sleep. Tomorrow we have to view properties to move our business to, and I'm going to have to take Kitty with me (who will be "BOOORRRED, or take Ponito (to protect him from Kitty). *sigh* Plus I have to be sure to be home at 11am so I don't miss the police officer delivering my summons to small claims court. One of our clients has decided she doesn't like our work so she wants us to refund her money.

Ever heard the idea...

that the way the child's twos go will be a pretty good indicator of how their teens will be? This terrifies me!!!

Bob at 2, notice how much taller than the other children she is?!

Bob hit the "terrible twos" at 17 months and didn't come out again until age 4.5 years. She about drove me around the bend, and was the reason I "discovered" the internet. When Bob was 2.5 years old, I found a parenting website based on a fantastic book that I credit for being the only reason Bob is alive today. Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. The message board is no longer in existence, but it was great to be able to go somewhere and get support from other parents who's children have painted the dog blue. (This is also how I feel about the Special Needs forum on adoption.com).


How angelic she looks! Believe me, it's an act!

So now that she's entered the "terrible teens" at only 12 - but she does everything early - what do I do with her?!



My family has a strong genetic predisposition to bipolar disorder. My grandfather and his 5 brothers had it and committed suicide. His two sisters probably had it as well. My mom has it, I have it... so when my daughter starts acting moody I have the added worry of - is this adolescent onset of bipolar disorder/ depression? At age 13 my mom remarried, we moved to a more affluent part of town, I was chronically ill with colds and flu (lowered immune system is a standard side effect of depression) so missed tons of school, and within a year I left home to go live with my father. Obviously I was miserable and moody as all get out, with many life-changing reasons, let alone being a teenager. The depression didn't go away though so I look back now and say - "oh yea, that was the start of my issues with depression."

My mom says the same thing happened to her and her mother talked about sending her away, but although her father intervened, he never mentioned he understood because he'd gone through the same thing. Mental illness was taboo. I don't want Bob to spend her teen years miserable if there is anything I can do about it. Obviously teens are moody and miserable, it's part of being a teen, but depression makes it so much worse. Bob doesn't have the same history that Bear and Kitty do (or I did), but this has been a tough couple of years with a lot of life-changing events.

Lately Bob has been moody, miserable and defiant. Normally I'd ignore this, but the problem is she's dragging down Kitty with her. Kitty is feeding off her moods and it's triggering major issues for her - add that to Kitty's biomom recently having a baby, and our two year anniversary (yes, we got the kids 2 years ago today!!!), and all she can talk about is wanting to go back to her biomom. Bob would be happy to drag her all the way there - Bob's been seeing all the downsides to having her new siblings (Kitty isn't allowed to watch Harry Potter and the Tenth Kingdom because they triggers issues for her so no one gets to watch them, I invented the FAIR Club because of the adoption, Bob is no longer the oldest child, Bob doesn't go to public school because of Kitty...). I've tried to point out some of the positives, but she'd rather be miserable.

So last Sunday, Bob refused to go to church. Not a horrible thing in and of itself, but I had to deal with her so I didn't get to go either. It escalated as I kept trying to find a way to get through to her. I tried reasoning, empathy, telling her stories from my childhood, and eventually moved to threatening and consequences. She of course went in the FAIR club, and as it worsened I told her I was taking away her saved allowance (about $45) - no impact, then told her I would empty her room of books - she kept on escalating from pouting to yelling and storming out. At this point Hubby got home from church with the rest of the kids and started trying to talk to her. For awhile she escalated and I loaded up three grocery bags full of her books and put them by the front door. She finally calmed down so I stopped. Later she put the bags back in her room. I saw them, but decided to let it go.

This weekend Bob didn't want to go shopping (wouldn't you know I, the bargain queen, get kids who hate shopping?!), even though it was mostly for clothes for her. She's grown so much and the weather is supposedly changing soon (it's still in the mid-eighties) so she needed cold weather clothes. Bob pitched a fit and refused to go. I tried to stay calm, but really hate it when she cops an attitude like this.

Hubby got involved and talked to her until she calmed down some and went to her room. Hubby then got on my case about allowing Bob to get to me, and always escalating the situation. He blamed me for my inability to listen to Bob and hear her side of it?!! I admit sometimes I get angry and punish Bob by doing things like taking away her books - which didn't help the situation, but I don't know what else to do! I do listen to Bob and her concerns, but sometimes the answer is, "Tough toenails. We all have to do things we don't want to do." Bob does what he says because he's a big, strong Dad and doesn't accept disobedience. When she acts like this should I let her walk all over me? She won't do what I say just because I say it. Hubby doesn't seem to get that. I admit this verbal dressing down in front of my mom and the other kids really hurt my feelings.

When I went in to check on Bob, I found her crying on her bed instead of getting ready to go as Hubby thought she was. I talked to her for awhile, listened to her complaints, said some of the things that Hubby had pointed out might help (mentioning how I'd felt like this at her age), and she finally got up, got her shoes on and got in the car. Soon thereafter though, the attitude returned. She refused to move, ran away from me to sit on the side of the building when it was time to leave, pitched verbal fits, whined and complained, demanded things she knew I wouldn't buy her... and was generally a horrid brat. The sales clerks all marveled at how I managed to stay calm (which I admit made me feel better). What should have taken 2 hours max, ended up taking 5, and we didn't get everything we needed!

On the way home (finally) she became even more verbally defiant. I tried to ignore her, but she kept dragging the other kids into it, especially Kitty. She made sure I knew that there was nothing I could do to consequence her and mentioned getting the books back. (Later I made sure to mention that I allowed her to get the books back.) I told the other children to ignore her, but Kitty wasn't able to. I kept warning Kitty that she shouldn't let Bob get her into trouble, but Kitty was already triggered and started talking about going back to Nebraska and biomom. *sigh*

I know I'm a little depressed right now, and felt that I might have taken Hubby's talking to me in the wrong way, but my mom confirmed that he was obviously criticizing me, and in front of the kids. Hubby tends to discount my mom's opinions because she thinks he is depressed too (has for years) and has suggested anti-depressants to him. He doesn't believe in popping pills for everything (OK, for almost anything) and doesn't really like me taking them either. He felt that my mom was suggesting meds for Bob (she wasn't). Anyway, he's not being the big support he usually is, and when I talked to him about hurting my feelings, he feels crucified (did I mention I agree with my mom that he's probably depressed?!).

Basically I'm at my wit's end. The FAIR Club is insufficient, consequences must be applied or all the other kids see Bob "getting away with" this behavior (as does Bob)and their behavior becomes more defiant. I plan to have Bob read the entire book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens as she reads super fast and this is nowhere near her first offense. I'm thinking of getting Bob into therapy for a little while but truthfully we can't afford the $25 copays. I'm skilled at therapeutic parenting now, but I'm used to the support of meds and a therapist.

OK, this is a really long post. I'm going to stop now. I'll tell you tomorrow how our 2 year anniversary goes!