This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Monday, June 21, 2010

Bear growls

This morning Bear rudely informed me he was not going to do aerobics because he didn’t sleep again. I had him rephrase it into a request and then let him off the hook. He really has been having trouble sleeping lately.

When we were finished with the whine fest aerobics, he was on the phone. (Don't know who all he called, but apparently one call was to Grandma to try to get her to take him somewhere). I told him to get off the phone and do his chores. This was not well received. After I insisted and he slammed the phone down and went to his room, I went to change to work clothes.

Bear apparently came out of his room and began fussing at and/or ordering around one or more of the kids, but it was relatively short and I wasn’t dressed so I let it go. When I came out of my room his glasses were on the floor in front of the bedroom door. I brought them downstairs and he asked if they were broken, because they wouldn’t stay on his face while he was vacuuming the hall so he threw them.

Kitty complained that he’d cleaned his room (the family room) by throwing stuff in her room (game room). He was not exactly apologetic and implied, “tough toenails.” He was being very argumentative and rude. Oh, by the way, because I was “rude” and “pissy” last night this apparently means he has the right to act that way too. (I’ve got to figure out what to do about my semi-annual mood spikes – they just make things so much worse by justifying in his mind his life-long pissy attitude. You get mad and pissy, Mom!)

At this point I made the “mistake” of telling him to grab a pillow and something to do because he was going to work with me instead of going to Grandma’s. He refused. I told him several reasons why including I didn't trust him not to act the same way to Grandma. He said he didn’t fuss at the kids (I love how he picks one thing out of the list and denies it – whether it’s deniable or not). I said he was tired and being rude and she didn’t need to deal with that and 4 other kids. (For some reason Ponito's friend Neighbor Boy was going with them to Grandma’s? I don’t think anyone gave permission for this by the way.)

Bear got angrier when I wouldn’t give in to him demanding telling me he was going, and stormed upstairs saying he wasn’t going and I couldn’t make him. I e-mailed Hubby during this so I wouldn’t have to talk out loud on the phone and set him off any more than he already was. In the meantime I was trying to get 4 other kids to get their chores done and ready to go so I could try to be at work by 10:30am since our sales guy had told an annoying but paying client that he and I had a morning meeting so couldn’t meet them until 11:30am (I found out later that it was as I’d suspected just a ruse to give me plenty of time to get to work, but it backfired anyway cause the client showed up at 9:10am saying he never received the e-mail).

About 10 minutes later Bear came back downstairs and got on the phone. Apparently everyone he called wasn’t there, and he even asked Kitty for some biofamily numbers. I ignored it, and started trying to figure out how everything that still needed to be done could possibly have involved EVERYone being in the kitchen (still don’t know how that worked out that way, but they all had legit reasons for being there and couldn’t be sent away if we were ever going to get out of the house).

He then started sobbing. Really sobbing. I took a few deep breaths (because I really didn't want to deal with him) and asked if I could help. He mumbled a negative. He lay his head down and sobbed. I focused on the other kids (how sad is it that they ignored him completely and when about their day). I asked him once more if there was anything I could do. (head shake no). After a bit minute he moved to the couch and put a blanket over his head.

I went in to the room and finally got him talking. As I expected, he wouldn't tell me why he was crying, but did when I asked him why he thought he wasn’t sleeping. He said it was that med we’d put him on that had been messing up his sleep (Tra zodone). I told him he hadn’t taken it in 3 days. “Oh.” Then he didn’t know why.

I asked him in roundabout ways, if he was having nightmares (No), if his brain was racing (No), if he was afraid of something (No). I think what he finally said was his body couldn’t stop being active, but mostly he didn’t know why. He says he can’t nap during the day either.

I called the new psychiatrist and his new caseworker, but didn’t get hold of either of them. The caseworker called me back later and said the p-doc called in a prescription for Bear. They still don’t have Bear’s psych records as far as I can tell. They’re still trying to get the results of the sleep study too.

When everyone was ready to go, Bear got up and got in the car. Hubby called, but I didn’t want to "jinx it" by telling Hubby what was going on when he was finally being compliant. Bear went to work with me and was sullen, but behaved, mostly. I took him to the grocery store (where a gangbanger did some weird things when we walked by, which I’m sure triggered some issues), and got him some protein. He’d had no breakfast of course and didn’t take his meds until after 10am (I think we need to go back to having Hubby set them out in the morning!). First thing he did when we walked in the office was find some candy to eat. *sigh*

By the way, he did get a nap (less than an hour), but he’s still being a Negative Nelly. He has a new girlfriend (He wrote “I love ashaley” on the white board) and he’s mad because I won’t let her come over tonight when Hubby's not home. Plus I had the audacity to say I don’t think he’s ready for a relationship. He’s “not going to leave her.” (I told him I don’t necessarily want him to leave her, but he himself said he wasn’t ready for a relationship at therapy on Saturday – he said it’s Hubby and I that’s been saying for years that he shouldn’t be in a relationship). I mentioned that if he has relationships when he’s not ready then they don’t last (ex. the Kleenex girls). Apparently I am a bad parent for bringing this up, because I am not “supporting” him.

I’m a horrible person because I’m “always” telling him everything he wants to do is “Not a good idea,” so I’m always “running him down.” I told him we’re trying to help him follow realistic steps to get what he wants, because that’s how you succeed. He prefers doing it himself and he’s going to prove us wrong. I mentioned the reason he’s home this Summer and under strict supervision is because he’s not following those steps. Guess how well that went over?

If he were participating in therapy, working on his issues instead of ignoring them and maybe even listening to the advice/coaching we’re giving then he would probably be in a very different place right now. It’s not our job to tell him everything will be OK and he’ll be president one of these days. Rabbit hole about what a horrible job he thinks the president is doing – I dragged him back.

He started talking about how no one listens to him about how horrible a childhood he had or they wouldn’t do this to him. I told him we realize he had a tough childhood, but it’s our job to help him succeed anyway. What he’s doing (or not doing) is not working. If he wants a car and a good job then he needs to learn how to work on things. He stated he’s going to get a car when he’s 18 anyway. Umm… I risked being a non-supportive person again and asked him how an 18 year old without a high school diploma was going to get a car. He’d get a job. What kind of job is an 18 year old without a high school diploma going to get that will help him earn a car, and gas, and insurance. He'll get a job. (In case you haven't noticed Bear believes that stating things makes them so).

[I need to start saying things like… "You don’t have to do this on your own. We will help you and take care of you. We’re not pointing out that you can’t do these things or get what you want, we’re trying to point out that you can’t do these things or get what you want… ALONE! You need help and we’re offering..."]

He’s wanted to go make “Bags of Grace” at the church tonight, and I said no. When he asked why I told him because I had to watch all the kids and you weren’t there. We “never let him go anywhere.” We “have to” give him a chance. I called him on this and pointed out we give him chances all the time – he had chances at school to make good grades and be where he was supposed to be.

Rabbit hole – “You can’t say YOU’VE never skipped a class.” Yes I can Bear, and it would be true. (Of course he doesn’t believe me). “You can’t say you haven’t failed a class.” True, I have failed a couple of classes, but I’ve never failed all my classes. He of course argued that he passed all his classes. I said this was only because he had a big buffer from all those As and Bs at the beginning of the Semester and he’s not going to be able to do this next year. Bear then said, all he has to do is pass, and he might not even be here next year. I asked him if that was a suicidal threat or a runaway threat and he said neither. It’s just the same thing he says every night. He just means anyone might get hit by a bus tomorrow or the sun might explode….

That’s all I really remember. There was a lot of sullen pouting. I let Grandma pick him up to take him swimming and he apparently behaved OK.


GB's Mom said...

Such a difficult age- especially when they are emotionally not even 10 yet.
Hang in there :)

Anonymous said...

My son had a hard time believing that not everyone gets called down to the principal's office (in trouble)...

Anyway, your comment that he's come off a med sent off a flare in my head. The withdrawal could make things *much* worse, even if you tapered according to what the pdoc recommended. (BTDT!!)

淑淳淑淳 said...