This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Monday, June 28, 2010

True Partnership?

76 Questions on How to Tell If Your Marriage or Relationship is a True Partnership

It's time to discover the amazing (and sometimes warping) effects of perception. Some spouses think they are helping out when in reality, they are merely delusional. For instance, one man told his wife he absolutely washed the dishes, because one time he actually did.

So if you are ready to find out who performs the most household chores, here are the questions (by the way, if you cleaned a toilet only once or twice it doesn't count). Respond ONLY to questions that apply to you and your spouse or child(ren).

Record H for husband, W for wife, C for child (if more than one, record as C - all 4, C1 - Bear, C2 - Kitty, C3 - Bob, C4 - Ponito.), N for nobody, and D for does not apply. This quiz will also help children who think their parents work them to death - they can see in black and white who actually does the most work:

General Household Tasks

1. Who takes out the garbage? C1

2. Who separates the laundry? W (C do own laundry, but do not separate it)

3. Who puts the laundry into the washer? H, W (C)

4. Who puts the laundry into the dryer? W and C (Sometimes. Sometimes they start it and walk away or refuse to switch over laundry because they'd have to touch someone else's clothing). If it's gone sour then definitely only W. H will do it if asked.

5. Who hauls the laundry up and downstairs to and from the laundry room? H and W. C1 and C4. C2 only under when forced. (Bob's room is downstairs)

6. Who hangs up the clothes? W (C don't hang up clothes except maybe C1)

7. Who folds the clothes? W (C never fold clothes)

8. Who puts the clothes away? W (C 1 and 4 if reminded. C3 claims she doesn't have enough room in her drawers. C2 "would rather die" - she lives out of basket and leaves them all over the house. If forced to put them away she just dumps everything in drawers - even dish rags and sibling's clothes).

9. Who dusts? N (rarely W. C are supposed to do the rooms they are responsible for)

10. Who vacuums? N or Grandma (C do the rooms they are responsible for - except C2 who "would rather die")

11. Who washes the floors? C

12. Who cleans the toilets? C (unless it’s overflowing in which case H or W)

13. Who cleans the counters? W or C and Grandma

14. Who cleans the sink(s)? C and Grandma occasionally W

15. Who cleans the tub(s)? C4 (C1 is supposed to clean his bathtub, but I doubt it happens).

16. Who cleans out the refrigerator? I think it's currently C1's job to clean inside and garage fridges. W decides when to throw out leftovers.

17. Who cleans the stove? W

18. Who polishes the furniture? N

19. Who does the gift shopping? W

20. Who does the grocery shopping? W with C dragged along sometimes

21. Who carries in the groceries? W takes in a load and then H and C when home.

22. Who puts the groceries away? W unless she forces others to do it.

23. Who prepares indoor meals for the family? W unless we're at Grandma's

24. Who barbecues meals? N, C1 or H (we deliberately haven't bought a new bottle of propane because C1 likes to cook, but charcoals everything.

25. Who washes the dishes? C, Grandma (almost never W)

26. Who puts the dishes away? C, Grandma (kids empty dishwasher then fill it when it's their turn for dishes).

27. Who picks up the dry cleaning? N (used to be W)

28. Who straightens up every day messes? W or Grandma, C when forced or if it is a room they are responsible for that day.

29. Who pays the bills? H (W sometimes pays the bills, but only when W tells her exactly what to pay, when, and to whom).

30. Who picks up prescriptions at the pharmacy? W or H

31. Who handles phone calls to bill collectors, etc.? H (W won't even answer the phone)

32. Who works full time outside the home? H (technically W is not full-time at any one job)

33. Who fills the car with gas? H or W (depending who drives the car).

34. Who takes the car in for repairs? H

Families With Children

35. Who does the clothes shopping for the kids? W

36. Who does the shoe shopping for the kids? W

37. Who gets the kids up in the morning? H or W

38. Who makes sure the kids' teeth are brushed? N (although sometimes W will comment on the disgustingness of their teeth and tells them to brush)

39. Who combs and brushes the kids' hair? C (although sometimes W brushes C2 - when it's tangled and C2 asks her to). W tells C to do it if needed.

40. Who dresses the kids? C (W sends them back when dirty or inappropriate)

41. Who cuts the food for small children? N

42. Who cleans up kids' meal messes three times a day? C, Grandma, N

43. Who gets the kids to softball (football, dance recitals, etc.) practice? H and W

44. Who stays and watches the games/recitals? Whole family.

45. Who takes the kids to the doctor? W

46. Who bathes the children? N (W sends them back when dirty or smell cause H can’t smell)

47. Who cuddles with the kids? W or H (depends on the child)

48. Who changes the baby's diapers? D - W or H used to (W deals with C2's pull-ups and now Kotex)

49. Who puts the kids to bed at night? C, H, and W

50. Who spends quality one-on-one time with each child? Mostly N except in therapy (H and W depending on child)

51. Who drives or walks the kids to daycare (Grandma’s)? H or W depending

52. Who disciplines the children? W usually decides need it and think it up. H enforces.

53. Who takes the kids to the dentist or doctor? W

54. Who schedules kids appointments? W

55. Who takes the kids to the hairdresser or barber? mostly W (W cuts the hair of C1 and C4 sometimes)

56. Who attends kids' school open houses, ARDS/IEP meetings? H and W

57. Who goes to parent-teacher interviews? H and W

58. Who restrains the out of control child? H and W

59. Who emotionally regulates traumatized child? Mostly W

Spouses With Houses

60. Who mows the lawn? H and Poppy (W's step-dad). (C1 used to)

61. Who rakes the leaves? N

62. Who waters the lawn? H

63. Who cleans the gutters? N

64. Who shovels the snow? D

65. Who takes care of landscaping/gardening? Grandma

66. Who cleans out the garage? W (C n H when directed)

67. Who paints the walls? W (although C3 is currently painting her bedroom walls)

68. Who cleans the windows outside? C

69. Who refills the water softener? H

Families With Animals

70. Who cleans out the kitty litter box? C2 and C4

71. Who walks the dog? C

72. Who bathes the dog? W and C

73. Who clips the mats and trims the pet fur? W and Grandma

74. Who feeds the animals? C1 and C2 (C4 used to do it), H and W

75. Who cleans out the cages of smaller animals or birds? Was W now D

76. Who takes the animals to the vet? W and Grandma

Figuring the results for this quiz is fairly simple. Count the questions that applied to all of you (husband, wife, child). Tally up the marks for H and for W (and C if necessary). Compare your number of initialed answers to your spouse's number of initialed answers. To find out the percentage of how many more tasks you complete than does your spouse, divide the numbers like this: say only 40 total questions applied to you and your spouse. You answered 30 with your initial and your spouse answered 10 with a spouse initial. 30 (the number of your initials) divided by 40 (the number of questions that applied to both of you) equals 75%. 10 divided by 40 equals 25%. These results are clearly not equal. If your quiz results are similar (or worse), why not sit down with your partner and discuss equality in relationships.An interesting benefit to taking this quiz is discovering your spouse's perceptions. Maybe this quiz will open the door to discussion and to a more equal partnership. One more thing: if you discover your children are carrying the burden of performing household tasks, consider either rewarding them or helping them if you are not already doing so.

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