This is National Adoption Month, and tomorrow is the 5 year anniversary of Kitty and Bear coming to live with us. I want to be able to talk about how wonderful adopting has been for us, and maybe I can tomorrow, but for today...
I miss me.
My husband and biokids miss me. I'm so overwhelmed dealing with mentally ill, RAD teens that I don't sleep. I've gained 80 lbs. I can't work (no time what with appointments, paperwork and dealing with the kids...). I've been off and on meds (I hadn't needed since college) and therapy for my bipolar and now PTSD. I don't laugh. I don't sing around the house anymore. I don't have hobbies. I only talk to the few friends I have left and my family about the kids - our struggles with the legal system for Bear, getting residential treatment paid for, and trying to get the school to provide services for the kids...
I thought I knew what I was getting us into when we adopted special needs teens (After all, I used to be a social worker). I was wrong. For a long time I wanted to adopt again because I thought that now that we were experienced therapeutic parents (earned through painful, extensive effort), that we had a lot to offer. I have nothing left to give.
I thought we'd made a huge difference in the life of our 2 adopted children. Now I believe that the minute Bear (18) leaves our structured (feels like a prison) home, he will stop taking his meds that are the only reason he's not psychotic, and all the trauma and issues he never dealt with will come right back to the surface. He'll end up dead or in prison. I feel like we've just delayed the inevitable.
I thought that we'd made huge progress with Kitty (16), because it felt like her RAD was healing, and she has been stable for almost 2 years, but she just had her fourth hospitalization this year and the doctors say her meds are right, and the problems have to be because of the trauma. They recommend long-term residential treatment, but we can only possibly find funding for 90 days (if I can get funding at all). They've both been in residential treatment before and it didn't do any good.
I'm just so tired.