This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Tuesday, December 27, 2011

Nobody likes her. Everybody hates her

It's so hard with our kids to explain why others don't want to be around them. You don't want to hurt their self-esteem, but at the same time, they need to know they can't treat other people that way.

The other kids had been avoiding/ shunning Kitty because she is an emotionally unstable basketcase and not fun to be around to say the least. She gets mad at them and wants them to be punished for being mean to her. I admit, they're not subtle, and sometimes they can say extremely inappropriate things to her (Bear especially), but they're young kids (even Bear... maybe mostly Bear) and I can't expect them to just handle her issues like adults have to.

Not too long ago I told her that while the family loves her, they don't like her right now. It was right after she'd physically attacked Hubby, and he couldn't even look at her without getting angry. Even at the time, I knew it was probably too harsh, but I was tired of sacrificing everyone else and forcing them to pretend they want to be around her. After I said it, I discovered that in her black and white world that means I told her everyone hates her. *sigh*

Now that she's finally in RTC, the kids are enjoying this time with her away. I still feel guilty about feeling the same way. It hasn't quite sunk in yet.

I'm going to need to start job hunting soon.


We'd been told we could talk to Kitty after noon on Christmas day, but instead she and her family therapist called in the morning, just as the grandparents got there and we were about to open presents. She only wanted to talk to me (crying, saying she wanted to come home and she'd be good) and Ponito. She was willing to talk to Hubby, but no one else.

When Bear asked me to tell her he loved her and missed her, she said, "Yea right." We talked for a minute about that. Honestly I can see why she'd have her doubts, and she lives in a black and white world so she can't believe he can have mixed feelings.

I really wish they'd called when they said they would. I had to rush her off the phone a little because the grandparents only had a short time to watch the kids open presents before they had to leave for church, and I had to start making Christmas lunch.

I'll see her on Friday for Family therapy. Hubby was going to just call in, but after the phone call, he's decided to try to go with me. It's a 3 or so hour drive each way so he'll miss a lot of work hours.

3 comments: said...

Calvin has a similar mantra, everything is everyone elses fault. I have been reading and thinking of you this holiday but not commenting because things here have been a bit crazy as well. Hang in there, you are not alone.

Lisa said...

I was just commenting to someone else about this exact thing moments before I read your post! It is hard to make kids understand that if you keep treating people like crap, they're going to get wise to you and be much more leery of accepting anything from you (a kind word, help, etc). They aren't going to want to hang out with you or believe you when you apologize for the 4th time in one day. Geez, it gets really hard for us to, I can imagine it's practically impossible for the kids. I know that my kids have forgiven over and over again - they've been very gracious, but once they're done, they're done for quite awhile.

It is so hard to be happy when they're out of the house and things are going better for everyone. It should be great, but Mom's always feel guilt that their kids aren't doing well with them at home and have to go somewhere else. Enjoy the peace. Take care of things you couldn't before and take care of YOU. It ain't over yet.

marythemom said...

I wish I thought that Kitty was able to control her behaviors. I mean, I know she can control WHEN she has an outburst and with WHOM, but I don't think she can actually NOT have them. Which means I'm "criticizing" something that is part of who she is, at least for now, and therefore I'm pond scum. Hubby believes she can control it and chooses not to, but I think he's wrong.