This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Thursday, January 21, 2010

The terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day

Warning: Major venting below. Read at your own risk.

It felt like the day was totally awful, but I have to admit it had it's good moments too.

Bad: Bob wanted to get up early so she could use a borrowed Instyler to straighten her hair (Grandma this link takes you to one I found for $40 with free shipping and handling). The bad part was the "EARLY," since I didn't sleep much the night before.

Good: I got to spend 20 minutes with Bob casually talking as I straightened her hair. Yea, mommy daughter time! The Instyler worked great by the way! She thinks it might be worth getting up 20 minutes early every day! *sigh* Since I don't sleep, and was never a morning person anyway, this is not really great news.Here's Bob with her straightened hair. This morning Bob came to my bathroom to use the Instyler one last time before she returned it. She was wearing a completely inappropriate top - which I told her was unacceptable 2 days before. She refused to change. After the day from heck, I allowed this to escalate. She called me a B^tthead, and refused to change or give me her cell phone (- cell phones are a privilege for responsible kids only). I had to have Hubby handle it because she would not do what I told her. I hate that.

Bad: Kitty forgot to take her morning meds again and when I brought them to her at school I didn't do as threatened and wear my infamous tie dye outfit so now she thinks I'm full of hooey. (I may not look as great as this guy, but it would definitely get me on People of Wal-mart if I wore the right oh so wrong, boots or socks and sandals!

Bad: I called the pharmacy to see if Hubby's information was in with our new insurance agency so I could fill my prescription and get a doctor's appointment so I could get refills on the other. It had only been a day that I was off the second one cold turkey, but I've been off the anti-depressant for a few weeks. My sweet mom had offered to pay, but I can't get anymore without the doctor's appointment. The insurance company still had no record of us (Hubby started work on the 4th). I've been bugging Hubby, but he was too busy.

Worse: So I go to the pharmacy and tell them I need to pick up my prescription and get a refill on Kitty's med (free with Medicaid - did I mention I'm still upset with Hubby for not giving me the info I needed to get the rest of the family on Medicaid months ago?). The pharmacy lady couldn't multi-task and never let me finish a sentence so it was taking forever. Hubby had pointed out a while back that with some discount card a pharmacy lady (not this one!) had helped me find that my prescription didn't cost much more than the insurance copay anyway, and the insurance could reimburse me. Plus this insurance policy only allows $500/year for prescriptions for the WHOLE family total! So I figured I'd save that money for later. (It also only allows 5 doctor visits for the whole family for the whole year - NOT each, the WHOLE family!). Needless to say, we did not put Kitty and Bear on this insurance plan.

Awful: While I'm trying to communicate with this moronic confused pharmacy lady, who can't find the discount information. Hubby calls on my cell. He's starts fussing at me because:

1. I'm supposed to be at work with a check for a guy who was supposed to pick it up at 10am (It's 10:15). I forgot.

2. He needs me to tell the guy that the check won't be good until Friday (I hate confrontation and telling people this kind of stuff).

3. Didn't I get his e-mail that we couldn't afford for me to pick up my prescriptions now? (Nope)

4. Hubby needs me to go home and get his laptop in case he needs to call someone - the numbers are all on his computer.

5. While I'm leaving the pharmacy drive thru my phone rings, but I can't find it under my briefcase and all the pharmacy paperwork. The number doesn't allow callbacks so even though I assume it's the guy I'm supposed to meet at the office, there's nothing I can do about it.

6. Hurry, hurry, hurry!

Terrible: By the time I get home I was very upset. I'm overwhelmed, stressed out, can't go any longer without meds, and feel like Hubby yelled at me (yes, I knew it was just my perception, but it still felt that way. This is one reason I have so much sympathy for Kitty). I knew my mom would help out with the med situation and I needed someone to vent to, so I called my mommy. Instantly the tears welled up. Does this happen to you? I remember being in a car accident as a teenager and handling everything just fine, including talking to the police and helping my friend who was driving, but the minute I got near the phone to call home I started bawling.

Could be worse: I'd taken a half dose of my meds when I got home (I hadn't taken it because I thought I'd take a full dose from the new bottle), but it hadn't kicked in yet. Poor Mom. Once she figured out what I was saying, through the sobs, she offered to help. More than what I was asking for (which was "just" paying for the med). I finally went to work after I got control, picked up the laptop, and cleaned up my eye makeup (I rarely wear mascara so of course I'd picked this day since I needed a little pick me up - do certain outfits and makeup make you feel better or is that just me?).

Better: Mom met me there. I gave the check to the guy (he called back and I told him I'd meet him), quickly talked to the staff about some things that couldn't wait, and ran out of the building (the staff noticed I was upset, but they didn't press why). Mom and I went to a nearby cafe and I poured out my woes. She reads my blog and is with me every day after school, but she let me go ahead and vent.

Not too bad: Back at work I hid in my office and mostly read blogs and e-mail. I lost track of time and was running late to pick up the girls from school. Of course I was out of gas. Luckily Mom could pick up the girls for me.

Darn: When I got home I talked to the wonderful neighbor who loaned Bob the Instyler and picks up my youngest on Tuesdays and Thursdays so Grandma can get a break. Turns out Ponito had arranged to help out after school on Tuesdays and Thursdays, which I knew and had fussed at him about changing to these new days, but he assured me this neighbor didn't mind coming back for him. Wrong! She's got a carload full of kids and this is really inconvenient for her. Sorry Neighbor! Sorry Grandma!

Deep breath: Kitty is upset because Grandma got upset about all the Root Beer Float fixin's disappearing in a New York minute, and mentioned it in the car in front of the girls' friends. Everyone accuses Bear of having finished it off and taking the sodas to school this morning. Bear gets huffy and denies it (true as far as I can tell, but I wasn't policing the stuff).
Grr: Bear's got detention again. He says it's because he drank his Raspberry Tea (stored in a Root Bear container) during class. This was not his fault because the water wasn't working at school (true!), and he was thirsty. Can you say faulty logic? Bear, why didn't you wait until later to drink something? It's not like you didn't have anything to drink all day like the rest of the kids. Of course this morning I had to call the school and find out how much of this story was true. That's when I found out he's not supposed to take anything but water to school, but after a few times of checking to make sure there was no alcohol in them, everyone has been letting him get away with it. I will find out this afternoon for sure what the detention was for - he apparently has been getting detention slips! No more guesswork or investigating needed (well, except he'll probably claim he lost it). Wish I'd known earlier they sent these home with the child.

Arrgh: Kitty has therapy so she's always more upset on therapy days than usual. Grandma was late, so we were late to therapy - I hate being late (love ya Mom!). Before we left for therapy and after Kitty finally came inside from her longer than usual walking in circles in the backyard talking to herself - telling her it was time to do chores caused screaming. Telling her that she still hadn't done them, or if she had they were done so poorly I couldn't tell... was also not popular.
Kitty hates kitchen duty. It's "the hardest room in the house." It doesn't matter to her that EVERYone has a hard room too; that SHE makes the biggest mess in the kitchen; that this is what works best logistically for her and my 3 other kids; that if she did the chore twice a week like she was supposed to it wouldn't be that bad (caked on, dried on, smelly...); that she begged for a hard room so she could get full chores, full allowance and therefore full privileges...
Ironically, throughout the whole therapy session, she was trying to convince me or make me let her read the second Twilight book. How she can handle it now, and that I never give her a chance. I know she's not mature enough to understand this, but begging, yelling and trying to guilt me into letting her read the book while at the same time complaining about not being able to do a simple chore is NOT going to convince me.
At therapy I decided I'd think about letting her switch chores to another room, but the more I think about it, the more I don't think that's a good idea. For one thing it's not fair to the other child. For another, she really needs to learn how to clean a kitchen! I think what I'll do is spread the chore out over several days instead. Mop and sweep one day. Wipe down the stove top another. Wipe the kitchen cabinet faces on a third. Maybe breaking it into baby steps will make a difference.
Hhmm: Kitty had an IEP meeting. They praised how well she was doing in every subject. Kitty tried to handle it, but I do think this was partial cause of later behavior. Lots of nervous laughter and her face got bright red.
Bad: Kitty had several phone calls with a boy (we have a 10 minute phone call limit so they talked to each other about 3 times). He apparently told her that he liked her, even said he loved her... one reason he gave is because she's unnattainable (she had to ask what that meant). I could tell she was getting nervous, upset and agitated. I had her get off the phone and step away. Of course I didn't find out what was going on until later.
I was told Kitty was boy crazy when she came to us. I never saw it. She's had many obsessions over movie stars, and recently has developed some crushes on boys, but now that all boys her age are bigger than her and look like men - she's terrified of them! So I'm not terribly worried on that front, but... she is very effected by peer pressure. Her little brother found out she liked a boy and threatened to tell the boy she like him if she didn't. So Kitty called the boy (the boy said he knew she liked him - but he didn't say anything in return about his feelings).
Kitty is upset now because she found out the boy she likes is into drugs and this bothers her a lot, but when one of her friends dared her to ask the boy out... she did it. The boy knew it was a dare and said no, so she felt relief, but she would have gone out with him (Ok, not really because I wouldn't have let her, but my point is Kitty is very susceptible to peer pressure).
Yuck: This morning Kitty was so upset about the boy liking her and not wanting to lose his friendship that she vomited. She still wanted to go to school though. We had a brief conversation about the fact that he already knows she doesn't like him that way so whether or not the friendship continues has nothing to do with what she says or does now, and some things she could say, and that seemed to reassure her.
D*mn: When Hubby got home from work I was nervous. I knew he wasn't going to be happy I borrowed more money from my parents. It's why I hadn't called him all day despite knowing he'd be angsting over it. I was right. He got upset and disappeared upstairs for about an hour. *sigh*
The Worst: to be continued since this post is already too long!!

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