Kids say the darndest things!

Yesterday I was sitting in attachment therapy with Kitty and we started talking about her adoption story. I know a lot of people tell their kids this story all the time, but it feels awkward to me since my kids weren't young when they came to live with us and they know their birth stories. Not to say she hasn't heard the story before, but she doesn't know it by heart or anything.



That got me to thinking about all the little family stories that we don't even think about. The "in jokes." The little things that might have made us crazy at the time, but in a lot of ways make us love them anymore.



The Name Game
Kitty's adopted name is actually one of those stories. When my mom and dad were thinking of names for me one of the names Dad suggested was "Kitty" (not really, but use your imagination). My mom really liked the name and it would have been mine, but my mom asked what made my dad think of it. Apparently it was the name of a bar maid he'd met while on TDY (temporary leave) in a different state from where Mom was. I don't know what Mom suspected, but it did not become my name. I liked the name and when Hubby and I were discussing girl names for Bob (yes, in real life she has a girl name!), it was one we considered, but her initials would be unfortunate so we picked a different name. Bob also knew this family story and had taken to naming her dolls "Kitty," so when Kitty decided to choose a new adoptive name she picked "Kitty" (and she liked the unfortunate initials).



Disney Movies

Bob and Ponito of course have many cute little stories. The way Bob pronounced most Disney movies... Joshination Puppies (101 Dalmations), Perkolees (Hercules) and Pokey Nokey Oh (Pinocchio).

"He Bit Himself"

One of my favorites is the "He bit himself" story. Bob was rough on Ponito when he was little. She was 3 and did not want a brother, and he was very easy-going and let her pick on him without retaliation. Bob was going through a biting phase and had even bitten herself and tried to blame it on him. Of course her teeth were much bigger and we told her we didn't believe her and that we knew she'd bitten herself (we didn't discover until year later not to tell her how we knew what she'd done - because she learned from her mistakes and became a better liar!). Anyway, soon after he came up with a bite mark, and she confidently told us she hadn't done it. That he'd bitten himself... The Bite Was On His Cheek!

This beat the time she got caught coloring on the walls, and told us little brother Ponito had done it.  We told her we knew she'd done it, because she'd written her name.  So not too long after when she wrote on the couch with a marker, we told her again, we knew she'd done it because even though it was Ponito's name on the couch he was only 1!  She'd tried to teach little brother how to write his name, but it hadn't worked..



Smokey the Bear... fetus?

Kitty told the therapist and I one of her family stories that didn't actually involve any abuse (at first). Apparently Biomom told Kitty that while she was pregnant with Kitty, that every time she started to smoke, Kitty the fetus, made her throw up. Kitty then told us how she continued to hate Biomom's smoking after Kitty was born too. She talked about a time when she was in second or third grade that she locked Biomom out of the house because she was smoking. The second story obviously triggered some trauma for Kitty and she dissociated from the conversation until we were able to change the direction of the conversation.

No really, it's a Healthy Snack!

We have almost no cute family stories for Bear. So Monday I really appreciated it when he finally created a new one! On his way out the door to the bus, I noticed that Bear was holding what looked to be a peanut butter jar (taking the whole jar to school for a snack is of course not acceptable). Then it clicked. For Kitty's family party she'd requested German Chocolate Cake with Coconut Pecan icing... YUM! The'd had about a cup and a half of icing left over so I'd decided to bring it home and ice some brownies with it for dessert on Kitty's actual birthday on Tuesday. The jar of icing was what Bear was carrying out the door. I told him no way could he take icing to school for a snack. He said it was pecans and stuff so it was healthy! Say what?!! I said it is ICING, that means it is sugar and butter with a little bit of nuts thrown in. He started to argue with me, but I cut him off and told him to put it back. My friend witnessed the whole thing and she totally backed me up on the icing vs nutritious nutty snack thing. Don't know if that's why he didn't argue to much. He grabbed an old jar of stale soybeans?! and stormed out. We politely waited until his bus pulled away from the curb to laugh our heads off!

Got any cute "family stories" about your adopted kids?

Girl Drama

Kitty is having meltdowns again. So far nothing major, but I foolishly hoped they were mostly gone. Silly me.

Being pushed on chores always sets her off. She wants to ignore them or do them so poorly that I can't even tell they've been done. Sending her back again and again until they are actually done correctly... guaranteed meltdown. The good news is that sending her back the first time is no longer an instant meltdown guarantee. She can now handle being corrected - she just can't handle even semi-realistic expectations like sweeping all the way to the edges, picking up everything off the floor in her bedroom, putting more than 5 dishes in the dishwasher before calling it full, putting her own laundry in the machine after removing things like belts and used pads....

Kitty was slightly sick on Tuesday so missed a transition meeting at school (to decide what her goals are and what track she should be on in high school). Since I went alone the teachers decided to talk to me about Kitty's major hygiene issues. In short, she is just as conscientious about hygiene as she is about chores. So I said I'd bring clean undies, extra pads, and some of that alcohol based waterless hand soap which is great at killing underarm odor.

Kitty had no clean laundry on Wednesday so I made her do 3-4 loads (yes, she has too many clothes) and figured she could take it Friday.

Thursday morning Kitty asked to have her hair straightened with the Instyler. Bob pouted because that was "her thing" and Kitty didn't earn it. Bob has to behave well and do her chores. Kitty hadn't done that. I comforted Bob with the fact that Kitty would most likely never earn it again!

After school, I took Kitty for a haircut. She asked for a haircut exactly like Bob's. I let her because the girl's hair is so different that even with identical cuts they wouldn't look the same. (Bob's is long, fine and light brown. Kitty's is thick, curly, very dark and shorter).

Bob pouted the whole way home. I went to Bob and we talked about how much it bothers her that Kitty tries to copy her. I told Bob it means that Kitty thinks of Bob as what Kitty wants to be - popular, pretty and cool. Bob's friends had come with Bob and helped her pick out the perfect hair cut. Kitty doesn't have friends like that.

We talked about how this was like my childhood. I had a younger, pretty sister who was popular, a cheerleader and smart. My mom didn't let my sister do things in "my areas" so she wouldn't beat me (like horseback riding was my thing). I told Bob I could do what my mom did, but I didn't think it was the right thing to do. I pointed out that no matter what Kitty did, she wasn't going to be like Bob. They're too different. Bob was mollified.

That evening Kitty had a huge meltdown when I asked her to bring me an extra t-shirt and clean undies for her school hygiene pack. It could have been because she talked to some pre-adoption Nebraska friends on the phone, but most likely it was because she knew Bob was mad at her and might have overheard some of the conversation between Bob and I. Of course this happened right at bedtime so she went to bed late. Hubby talked to her for about 20 minutes.

The next morning Kitty brought me the hygiene stuff without an issue. *sigh*

Having teenage girls in the same grade is hard!

Bob quip

"Hey Mom, did you know that there is a law school less than 30 minutes from here?"

"Oh, really?"

"Yea, it's called the University of Texas Law School."

"Umm, honey, you do realize that's UT?" (held up the UT hand sign)

"Oh."

Hook em horns!

In her defense (no pun intended) we never call it the University of Texas. We just say things like Mom got both her degrees at UT. Dad's MBA is from UT. My nephew is wearing a UT jacket...

Yes we teased her unmercifully about this for several days, but she's my neurotypical child, she can handle it.

Math

Bob showed us what she learned in Math yesterday.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=omyUncKI7oU

and
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Lo4NCXOX0p8

and then a little bit of economics, music appreciation and sports

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=V1fJDIXEq9w&feature=related

Sugar Free

Bob loves Crystal Light Raspberry Tea. I've never really liked it, but whatever keeps her hydrated is fine with me (the kind we buy is caffeine free). Recently though I found out WHY she likes it. She saw that the label said Sugar Free... so she added it. Over a cup of sugar to each pitcher.

I explained that the drink is "Sugar Free" because it had artificial sweetners in it, and told her no more extra sugar.

Bob hates Crystal Light Raspberry Tea.

Bobbin' along

So in the car on the way to work I confronted Hubby on his not-so-private comments regarding how I handle Bob. I told him it hurt my feelings - a lot, but that I thought it was just me being over sensitive until I talked to my mom and she agreed with me. I knew he hadn't intentionally hurt my feelings - in the 16 years I've known him he has almost never been anything but supportive and empathetic. I think this was one reason I was so surprised. Then I asked his advice on how he thought I should handle Bob. (Great minds think alike Denise!) I expressed my worry that Bob might be bipolar like the rest of my family.


Hubby got defensive because he thought Mom and I were suggesting that Bob take meds (which Hubby is pretty adamantly against unless there are no other alternatives. He thinks I do not need them either). I reassured him that I didn't think Bob needed meds, I was just very concerned. There are so many issues it could be (the new kids, raging hormones - which are supposedly worse before they start their period because the hormones have nowhere to go, holidays...). We talked for awhile about what could have caused her behavior, how to handle it, and whether or not we should put her in therapy.

This topic led into Hubby's issues in dealing with Kitty that morning. Ironically it was very similar to my issues with Bob.

Kitty had told Hubby the day before that she would eat all her lunch (she'd taken a larger than usual lunch, and has major appetite issues due to her ADHD meds - we've had to work with her on eating, at least something, even though she's rarely hungry.) While she was making breakfast and lunch for the day, I happened to glance in her lunch box and realized that it was almost full from the day before. I mentioned it to Hubby. He called her on it and she immediately got defensive (she cannot take criticism, even implied, from anyone but me, and even that is hard on her). Kitty started yelling at Hubby and accusing him of yelling at her - he spoke firmly, but had never yelled. I reminded her that when she feels criticized she feels yelled at, and that Dad was NOT yelling at her.


She and Hubby kept at it. I tried to stay out of it, only stepping in to ask Kitty to calm down and to remind her that Dad was NOT yelling at her. Often if they go at it long enough, and only one parent engages with her, Kitty will calm down. Not so much this time.

In the car, I reminded Hubby of the Beyond Consequences training we'd taken and the little bit of work he'd done with the attachment therapist. I told Hubby that Kitty had shut down and was in "flight, fight or freeze mode" almost immediately after his first sentence. Hubby felt very persecuted by mine and my mom's reaction to his critiquing me, and now by my saying he was parenting Kitty incorrectly. He told me that he felt persecuted/ crucified and shut down for awhile.

After a little while he expressed his frustration with not being allowed to parent Kitty. He felt kept out of the attachment loop (unfortunately that's how it works, the child attaches to one parent and only then gets to the point that they can start working on relationships with others). He felt that he was not allowed to say anything to Kitty because she would take it the wrong way. I explained to him that the AT and I weren't deliberately keeping him out of loop, and that I wasn't saying he couldn't parent Kitty at all, just that he needed to be aware that it was pretty pointless to talk to her after she had shut down. We talked about how to approach her later when she wasn't activated.

At that point, we talked about my dead car for awhile and what to do next. Then we talked about how many people we owed money to. Hubby finally hit his overwhelm point and we pretty much stopped talking for the rest of the trip.

Quite frankly I don't know how we does it. He IS depressed, whether he agrees with my mom and I or not. Our life IS incredibly stressful. He doesn't sleep well, and he's taken the weight of the world on his shoulders (in the picture it's only the weight of our daughter). I couldn't do as well as I am (not that that's saying much) without major support (THANK YOU ALL!!) and medication!

Not sure what to do about blogging all that's gone on this week! I've gotten part of Tuesday done and the rest of the week has been just as eventful! *sigh*

What about Bob?

Bob is my very smart, still growing, 12 year old. She is currently 5'7" (only a quarter of an inch shorter than I am -so far!). She wears a men size 12 shoe (that's a 13 in ladies!). She hates sports and is extremely uncoordinated (you would be too if you grew 4 inches a year - mostly in the Summer!). She loves to read and is very much a couch potato.

She got the nickname Bob in 4th grade when her science teacher kept confusing 4 girls who had similar sounding names. On one report card, Bob was convinced he'd given her another girl's grade (Science is one of her best subjects and this was a low grade) - so she changed her name to Bob. For the next year and a half, she wrote Bob on all her papers in ALL her classes. Remind me to tell you sometime about how my youngest son got the nickname DOT!

Bob started the terrible twos at about 17 months and finished at about 4 1/2! I started reading parenting books obsessively. My favorite was Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. It helped me understand her better and gave lots of practical parenting techniques. I highly recommend it. Of course Bob never became the perfect child -even after all those books, classes, trainings. Following is a picture {all pictures have been removed from this blog} of the results of a timeout in her room where she found a pair of scissors (she blamed this on me of course!). All her dolls and stuffed animals got a trim, the strings on her beaded curtain, the strings on her brother's sun hat, her favorite dress... and on the this, the third day of Kindergarten she cut off most of her hair! Bangs down to the roots, sides up to her ears. Guess what horrible Mommy forgot to take pictures on the first day of Kindergarten. Yup!

At age 8, Bob started puberty! That's when I started hearing about growth hormones in meat and milk. Age 12 and she's still not done. They say the year before a child starts menses is the hardest because all those lovely hormones have no way to exit the body! I wish she'd start all ready!!

Bob is the child I get along with the best. We have a lot in common - reading being a big one. She is also my nemesis! NO other child can push my buttons or make me as crazy. It's like she was born genetically wired to push me to my limits. It's because of her I have all the patience that I need when dealing with Kitty or Bear, but it's also her that can have me tossing all my patience out the window in 2 seconds flat! How does the saying go? "I don't know if I want to kiss you or punch you!" *sigh*

It's because of Bob that I started "beating" my children. In our house "beating" someone is tickling them. It makes me feel so much better to say I'm going to BEAT you! I get all my aggression out chasing them around and tickling them. Kid giggles - is there a better sound?! Afterwards everyone feels better. (In our house there is also a rule that if you say Stop. The person HAS to stop. No one gets tickled if they don't want to be.)

Better go make dinner for my growing gang!

Mary

If "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger..." just call me Superwoman!

Edited to Add:  At age 15, Bob finally stopped growing.  She is now a 1/2" shy of 6ft (she rounds up and tells everyone she is 6 ft!).  We've always encouraged her to love her height and she has never slouched or felt negatively about it.  It seems to have given her a lot of confidence.  Now 18yo, she prefers to date guys over 6'5" and thinks it should be illegal for guys that tall to date short girls.  lol