18 is Not the Finish Line

There is so much pressure for us as parents of teens to try to heal our children and get them completely ready for adulthood by age 18. In reading a couple of blogs including Parenting 24/7 recently, I was reminded of this, and I know I am guilty of it too. It took many many years of trauma for our children to get to this point, and we can't expect them to be totally healed in just a few short years.

We want them to have all the life skills they need. We want them to be emotionally healed and ready for relationships. We want them to be ready to be independent. 

Magical Age of Adulthood
For some reason with our children, we tend to feel like this has to be done at the magic age of 18. 

Maybe because my children bluster about walking out the door the minute they turn 18. Maybe because that's when society declares them adults. 

Expiration Date on Parenting
Maybe because I know that, unlike my birth children, they don't trust/expect me to be there after they turn 18 so I feel I have to "fix" them while I can. My biokids fully expect us to continue to be their parents (and adviser, supporter, loan officer, therapist, nanny….) through college, after they get married, and on and on forever.

Did you graduate high school totally ready to be an adult? I know I didn't. Not only does our brain continue to develop on into our mid-twenties, but our hearts grow too. We made so many mistakes that we want to protect our children from. 

I know for me, I want to be the one to help my children heal. That's probably a little selfish on my part.

Their healing must continue on after they leave our home. All we can do is leave the door open.

ALMOST AN ADULT
There is a LOT of pressure to "lighten up" and give our kids the "freedom" to make mistakes, because "he's going to have to deal with the real world soon."

I believe that if we give children privileges and "freedom" that they're not ready for that we are deliberately putting them in harm's way. Contrary to popular opinion, I do not have my children on so short a leash that they can't mess up. I just try to keep them on a short enough leash that they can't hang themselves.

Many people look at our children, especially one who has lots of structure and support (and therefore is emotionally regulated and doing well) and don't/can't see the brain damage, dysfunction, and emotional immaturity. They don't understand the child's diagnosis or diagnoses, or only recognize a small part of the whole  - usually only a part that they're familiar with. [Chores, Responsibilities, and Other Things My Children Can't Handle]

OVERLAPPING DIAGNOSES
I'm often told, "People with Intellectual Developmental Disabilities can live normal lives" and "people with Bipolar Disorder can live normal lives" and "people with __________ can live normal lives"... Yes, they can! But that doesn't take into account ALL my child's issues. There is a limited understanding of how these diagnoses interact with each other and how they interact with trauma.  [Overlapping Diagnoses in Children]

It doesn't help that kids of trauma hide their "issues" (Kitty would literally rather die than let others see her issues), can honeymoon for long periods of time, and their charming others can be a "life or death feeling" defense mechanism (If You Find Out I'm Not Perfect, You'll Leave).

There is a lot of pressure when our kids are teens to believe that since they are practically an adult, then we need to let them discover that they can't act this way in the "real world." 
Pressure to give them the freedom and privileges that come with being an adult and assume the Natural Consequences of messing up and making poor choices will teach the child to make better choices. They don't get that our kids often don't/ can't make the connection that their choices have consequences or don't have the control needed to keep from making those choices.

Assuming that they get any consequences at all -
What my child learned from not getting consequences from school 


LEARNING TO SWIM BEFORE BEING THROWN IN THE OCEAN

Like many people in Bear's life, Hubby doesn't see, and/ or understand, Bear's brain damage and dysfunction. He thinks the school's testing of Bear's IQ and abilities are wrong (he sees areas where Bear's hypervigilance and street smarts help him accomplish things that someone with Bear's "alleged" issues "shouldn't" be able to do. He thinks Bear deliberately "dumbs down" to make life easier on himself).  He also strongly believes that since Bear is practically an adult, we need to let him discover that he can't act this way in the real world. I think this is like teaching Bear to swim by throwing him in the ocean.

I've tried to explain to Hubby that Bear can't learn by watching everyone else swim. That despite his age and size he needs to go back to the baby pool and get over his fear of water by splashing around. That someone (us) needs to help him form each and every stroke and have him practice, practice, practice. That he may never be able to swim in the ocean and just because he's going to be there soon is no reason to skip steps or not take advantage of the little time left that we have in which we can force him into the baby pool.

I know I've talked before about the differences between Hubby and my child-rearing philosophies. After the Katharine Leslie seminars, this has become even more apparent. Katharine says we must teach, reteach, and have them practice everything. Until the child is ready to become part of the family his or her world should be pretty small (Basic Accommodations vs Luxury) and in relationships, there should be correspondent exchanges vs complementary. This is counter-intuitive in a lot of ways and most definitely is NOT FAIR.

"Fairness" is everyone getting what they need. Fairness is not equal.

BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS VS DISCIPLINE PROBLEMS

Discipline problems (noncompliance, misbehavior) occur when the caregivers have not structured the child's environment for success, or when parents are inconsistent (expectations or consequences), non-responsive, or inaccessible. When adults adjust their behaviors and attitudes, often children with discipline problems can be brought under control in as few as 3 to 7 days.
Behavior problems on the other hand, lie within the child. These are persistent behaviors that do not disappear even with the best parenting (although good parenting can help to control the behaviors). These can include impulsivity, inattentiveness, and other behaviors like ADHD, FAD and immature behaviors associated with missing capacities in object relations.

We need to take into account that children with trauma issues may not be able to learn from mistakes. They may not ask for or accept help or training. One of the biggest issues though is that many of our kids' main difficulty is NOT with something he/she can be taught how to do or not do. The biggest problem is often Impulse Control.

Bear can be walking along doing exactly what he's supposed to do. He can have earned his way up to pretty high levels of privileges. When all of the sudden... WHAM! He gets an impulse to do something he's not supposed to (take something, lie, go somewhere...), and he does it. No amount of behavior modification training, anger management classes, talk therapy, EMDR, good parenting... has any effect. He's not thinking about why he should or shouldn't do something he just does it.

After the impulse, he makes choices. Whether to admit to it, lie, cover it up, manipulate, run away... these choices are the things that all of the therapy and skills training (CBT/ DBT) and whatever, can actually have an effect on. (Of course, sometimes he also makes conscious decisions to make a "bad" choice too).

So that's the problem. What do you do with someone with almost no impulse control? All the training and therapeutic parenting in the world are not going to "fix" or prevent that.

Cliffs and Fences

When you have a young child who tends to leap before he looks, then you control his environment - you don't remove every obstacle. You make sure he has little things to leap off of so he will learn to look before he leaps. (He learns to look because he discovers that when he doesn't he usually falls and gets hurt). You do NOT, however, move to a house on the side of a cliff. If you must live on a cliff then you put up a big fence and you keep your child inside that fence. If you didn't and your child jumped off the cliff then who is morally responsible for the death of the child? Even if the child deliberately jumped off the cliff, it is, of course, the parent who is responsible for the child

I have a child who is a known leaper. We live in a world full of "cliffs." If I put my son behind the wheel of a car, knowing that at any moment he could choose to turn left without looking, then I am endangering not only his life but the lives of those around him. 

For this reason, I choose not to enable him to get his permit and deliberately put up roadblocks.

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We tried EMDR therapy with both of our children for a while. We found it was overwhelming for Kitty and had to drop it. Yes, she needs to process this trauma, but she obviously is not ready for it. Bear just flat refused to participate. This is one of those times when I have to remember that all of their healing does not have to be done right now.

Right now, I have to remember that even after almost three years we still need to focus on attachment and relationships. I read a blog recently mentioning that when you first bring a child into your home, you wouldn't shouldn't be focusing on behaviors like fixing their table manners on day one; instead, you should be focusing on attaching and bonding. Playing, laughing, joking, getting to know each other is more important than rules and reprimands. (Post about Katharine Leslie's views about Securing Attachment)

Now, we do have consequences and restitution, but I try to remember that loving fun is important too. There is a great family blogging about the process of adopting a teen that helps me remember this too.

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BIOFAMILY
One thing I hear a lot is that the child plans/ threatens to go back to the birth parents (Why Do Adopted Kids Go Back To Birth Family?) as soon as they are old enough. I try to remember that if they do go back to birthmom they take me with them. They will view their biomom knowing what a different life is like - having someone who cares about them no matter what they do or say, holds them accountable, provides the structure and support they need, and doesn't give up on them.

I never run down the birth parents in front of my child, no matter how tempting.

I know how important it was to me that my mom never put down my dad. Theirs was a bitter divorce and there were lots of times Mom could have presented herself as better to not have to listen to my sister or I rave about our dad. 

Kids love their birth parents no matter what. They're biologically wired that way. We all are.

I'm not totally protecting my daughter from what happened that led to her entering the foster care system, but at the same time, I know it would damage my relationship with her if I told her that biomom was a bad person. So instead we talk about bad choices biomom may have made, and possible reasons she might have acted the way she did. 

Not judging biomom, but at the same time being VERY CLEAR that it was NOT the child's fault either. My kids have enough guilt that I will never be able to touch in the time we have (there I go again sounding like it all ends at 18!). That is something they will hopefully deal with at some point in their lives.

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AGE-APPROPRIATE EXPECTATIONS

Trauma can cause significant delays in development (emotionally, socially, intellectually...).  Frequent moves and other traumatic life events can also cause delays or even get them stuck.  Most kids with PTSD (and brain damage from RAD) have a tough time with processing, memory, object permanence, emotional regulation... 

We need to parent our children based on where the child IS versus where they “should be.”  When trying to determine your child’s emotional age, and therefore your expectations, it helps to be aware of the typical development stages (Age 6 to young adult developmental stages)

Parent your child where they ARE, even if that means treating a teen like a 6-year-old.  Or a 4-year-old like a toddler.  They may find normal kid stuff overwhelming - we had to keep our children's rooms stripped to the essentials, avoid overwhelming places like grocery stores and birthday parties, and avoid letting them get tired or hungry...  

Once your child physically becomes an older teen or young adult. This becomes a fine line to walk - think tightrope!

"NORMAL" ADOLESCENT DEVELOPMENTAL PHASES

DETERMINING IDENTITY - WHO AM I?
I know in high school I changed personalities a lot. I tried them on like roles in a play. I moved a lot (like the kids) which made this easier to do. I thought of myself as a chameleon and didn't think I had a set personality – it changed according to who I was with and what I wanted to do. I do think this eventually made me a stronger person. I wasn't locked into an image or stereotype. As I got older, I grew out of this and finally have a strong, positive sense of self. 

SEPARATING FROM FAMILY / FLUCTUATING BETWEEN INDEPENDENCE AND DEPENDENCE) 

I want to let my children know they can change their minds. They may see themselves as "the tough guy," "the victim," "sweet and loving"… sometimes changing on a minute by minute basis. They may be horrible to me one day and act as though nothing happened an hour later, and that's probably part of their illnesses. Maybe they really don't remember. Maybe they're being manipulative. I'm still going to act as though I know they love me. We will discuss repercussions; there are always consequences for the choices they make. I will not make them say they love me, but at the same time, I will not allow them to be disrespectful.

PUSHING US AWAY SO THE SEPARATION WON'T HURT AS BADLY

Bear is going through an "I don't need a family and I'm faking it" phase. While I don't think he is bonded to us, I know he is not completely disconnected either. When he says he doesn't want our family/me/any relationships, it hurts like crazy, but I work hard to keep him from seeing it. I don't want him to feel he succeeded in pushing us away. That's a terrifying unsafe feeling.

Bear did admit in therapy last week that he knew I cared about him (even though he tried to negate it in the next breath by talking about how mean I am). I hope that is enough to get him to return to us in the future. I hope that he builds on this in the future.


SO WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT IT?!

I wish I had the perfect answer. I wish the perfect answer existed. Here are some things we did (or wish we had done earlier):

RE-PRIORITIZE
Looking back, I wish I had changed my priorities. I realize now that by focusing all of my attention and energy on a child who may or may not heal enough to function as an adult, I sacrificed too much. Maybe I could have or did "fix" my child, but at what cost? My own health, my marriage, my other children (especially the less "squeaky wheels")... all suffered. [Prioritizing Yourself, Your Marriage, Your Family as a Whole, and Your Child - In That Order!] 

Of course, hindsight is 20/20. I felt a lot of guilt over not "fixing" my children but also about how devoting everything I had to trying to help them heal hurt all of us. I had major CTS [Continuous Traumatic Stress] and PTSD from it all. [Caregiver/ Compassion Fatigue, PTSD, Secondary PTSD] My other children all had varying issues caused by living with emotionally disturbed, mentally ill family members, or having undetected issues (for example, Ponito's ADD was undiagnosed until he was 17 and there were other signs of illness and abuse that I missed in him and the other children), or feeling neglected/ abandoned because my focus was elsewhere or I was overwhelmed and shut down.

LET IT GO
At age 18, my children were not ready to heal or be "fixed." I had several choices. I could feel guilty and miserable about it... or I could release that guilt and anger, knowing that I did the best I could with what I knew at the time. No one else was going to give me permission to do that. Almost everyone was telling me what I "should" or "should not" do and oftentimes those things were conflicting!

So here's my permission (not that you need it) to LET IT GO! 

You Have Not Failed - I reread this post so often, especially over the first 2 years after my son moved out and I realized I didn't want anything to do with him (my abuser). It reminded me to release the guilt that created. What kind of mom doesn't want to be around her child?! One who needs to heal. 

At What Point Do You Let Go?
Detachment Parenting the Adult Child

Self-Care! - Take care of yourself. Remember the things you used to love and love about yourself. Pick up or pick back up hobbies. Do fun and healing things. Go to therapy. You're allowed to be someone besides Mom - you have many names. Daughter, friend, wife, mentor, artist... 

Then what happened?

I Redefined Success. 

Like many moms, success for my children meant college, finding a career they loved and that supported them in a lifestyle similar to what they have now, finding true love, getting married, living near me (but not with me!), having children... preferably in this order!  Basically living "happily ever after." When I realized that this was not the path Bear and Kitty were on, or even capable of, I grieved. A lot. Then I took a deep breath and redefined success for each of my children individually. [Finding the Joy]

My kids are now 26, 24, 23, and 21. I can second guess everything I did and didn't do but overall they healed (or didn't) without me. I definitely had some influence, but the rest had to be left up to them.

Bear(26) has been mostly incarcerated since just before he turned 19. It took me a while but now I realize that he needs this. He can't live without the structure that we could no longer provide. His only choices to get that structure were the military or prison, and he wasn't eligible for the military. I no longer feel guilty about this happening, I choose to recognize that it was our influence on him that meant:

• He's still alive. This is a major accomplishment. He had a death wish when we met him. Many doubted that he would make it alive to 18. 
• He went to prison for a non-violent crime. [Jail/ Prison]
• Years of being on the right medication gave him the chance to develop, learn, and mature. For most of his life, he was living in a "war zone." Long after the trauma and abuse ended, he was still living with it. Stuck with dysfunctional defense mechanisms, negative self-image, and a feeling that the world was against him.
• He has a high school diploma. He may never be able to keep a job that requires one but at least this gives him options.
• He has some trust. He occasionally reaches out to us for things other than money. 

Kitty(almost 25) - As she approaches the age when the brain is finally fully developed, Kitty has come a LOOOONNNGG way  - in ways I'd feared she would never be capable of achieving. I helped her a lot to get here but some of it just took time.

Some of our journey:

LEGAL ISSUES

**Getting SSI for an Adult Child****Marriage and SSI Benefits**

**Legal Guardianship**

ADULTHOOD

**Adult Attachment Disorders**

**Borderline Personality Disorder**

**How to Get Treated Like an Adult**

**Vulnerable Adult "Abuse"**

PARENTING AN ADULT CHILD

**Detachment Parenting An Adult Child**

**Therapeutically Parenting the "Adult" Child**

LIVING AT HOME
**Boarder Agreement**

**18 Is Not The Finish Line**

**When an Adult Child Moves Out*

**"Adult" Boarder vs Family Girl**

**Simple Rules For Adult Children Living At Home**

BIOFAMILY

**Running To Birth Family**
**Why Do They Go Back to Birth Family?**

• Kitty is living with her fiancé and her 3 cats and they are getting ready to move from their apartment to a rental house. She feels safe. [Safety First]
• She is taking online classes at the local community college that she registers for all on her own. She's found a way to deal with her crippling anxiety and continue her education.
• She pays her bills and manages her own money. She calls me for small loans/gifts occasionally and I'm still her SSI rep payee, so I do help her with that, but in general, she's got a handle on it.
• She is taking care of her own mental health. She is stable on her meds, schedules and attends appointments with her psychiatrist independently, and has a therapist she sees through a Skype-type program.
• She recognizes and gets emotional support. She calls me often for emotional support but she also has a support system made up of friends and family.

The biokids, Bob(23) and Ponito(21) are mostly on the path I dreamed of for all of my children, but if/when they step off that path that will be OK too.

Burning hut

The only survivor of a shipwreck was washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him. Every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming..

Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwoodto protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions.

One day, after scavenging for food, he arrived hometo find his little hut in flames, with smoke rolling up to the sky. He felt the worst had happened, and everything was lost. He was stunned with disbelief, grief, and anger. He cried out, 'God! How could you do this to me?'

Early the next day, he was awakened by the sound of a ship approaching the island! It had come to rescue him! 'How did you know I was here? Asked the weary man of his rescuers. 'We saw your smoke signal, they replied.

The Moral of This Story:

It's easy to get discouraged when things are going badly, but we shouldn't lose heart, because God is at work in our lives, even in the midst of our pain and suffering. Remember that the next time your little hut seems to be burning to the ground, it just may be a smoke signal that summons the Grace of God.

P.S. You may want to consider passing this on, because you never know who feels as if their hut is on fire today…

Communication

Bear and I have been having issues lately. I'm resentful for having to play detective and dedicate so much energy to him. He's angry at me for "holding a grudge," and not trusting him enough to allow him freedoms.



Due to only having one car (and secretly wanting Hubby to get a little therapy/ support too), Hubby usually attends my therapy sessions. Most of the time he catches a nap on the floor (he's so cute when he snores), but he does participate sometimes. The last couple of weeks we've talked a lot about Bear. My therapist has treated both Bear and Kitty so she knows them fairly well.



As mentioned in the previous post I am operating on an empty love tank and am trying to find ways to handle this. Bear is the biggest drain on my time and energy, and I'm an all or nothing kind of gal, so I've talked a lot about cutting him off (see the post "I quit"). This upsets Hubby because he sees it as reacting the way I have with "Puppies" in the past and it doesn't seem right to him. I remind him that I haven't actually cut Bear off, but Hubby is upset because he feels that Bear knows my feelings about him.

(this is not one of my "Puppies", but I wanted to show you why we called them that. They always have "Puppy Dog Eyes" and look like kicked puppies.)


I would argue with this, because:


a) I'm a pretty good liar actress, and I have never once told him I don't like him very much or admitted my feelings in any way. Bear had no clue that we were talking about not allowing him to return while he was in Meridell. The fact that we didn't and "never gave up" on him are VERY important to him.


b) Bear is horrible at interpreting other's emotions and body language. It's part of his cerebral dysrhythmia, C-PTSD, and RAD....


c) I haven't actually changed my behavior toward him ...yet? I'm still checking up on him, forcing him to talk about his feelings and doing detective work.

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At therapy a couples of weeks ago, Bear was "fussed at" by his therapist for isolating himself from the family. So when a couple of days later Bear told me he wanted to stay after school to do some volunteer work for JROTC on Monday I told him no.
He already comes home between 6 and 7 pm two days a week because he does PT (physical training with JROTC) after school and has a leadership role. He's also been leading the students needing PT makeups on a third day. That would have been 4 days where we pretty much didn't see him at all. So I also told him he couldn't lead the makeups anymore either. He was not thrilled.

(This is not Bear's PT group, I just wanted to give you a visual!)


When Bear didn't come home on time, I called Hubby and told him I was pretty sure Bear had done the makeup PT even though I told him not to. He had. Hubby, Bear, and the JROTC Colonel had a long talk about "communication." Bear of course claimed that he didn't know I didn't want him to do the makeup. I knew he did it deliberately. Hubby and the Colonel gave him the benefit of the doubt.



With his new attachment therapist, Bear has been increasingly negative about family. This may be because that is the therapist's focus so it keeps coming up, or it may be because we're there and he wants to hurt us because he's mad about having to be there and having fewer freedoms, or it may be he's always felt this way and been keeping it to himself. I don't know. All I know is he keeps giving the therapist mostly one word answers. Getting him to communicate with us has often been like pulling teeth, but he seems to be working harder than usual at it.



Bear's "homework" the week before had been to write about a time when he remembers being happy. He wrote about his favorite memory. Fishing with his Grandpa - before age 5. When pressed this was the only happy memory he had. The therapist asked if Bear had any happy memories about our family and Bear just shrugged (now we're down to NOT answering with words! *sigh*).



Finally the therapist asked what is happy or good about your relationship with your mom (Me). Bear eventually said, "Well, I know she cares about me..." The therapist started to say something, but Bear interrupted, "but she always holds a grudge against me."



The therapist asked why Bear said something nice, but then "took it back." Bear didn't understand.



The session was of course past over at that point so we had to leave. I'll post about the long conversation Bear and I had in the car on the way home and in a parking lot in my next post.

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Thought for the day:

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"Don't put the key to your happiness in someone else's pocket - keep it in your own."

Love Tank

As you know I love the book The 5 Love Languages. One of the things the book talks about is a Love Tank. When you are being spoken to in your love language your love tank is filled. If you never hear your language, eventually your love tank runs dry. This often leads to divorce.

Lately I feel like I'm running on empty. My love language is Words of Affirmation. This means that I feel loved when people tell me they love me, praise me, write little notes, leave comments on my blog...

Everyone in my family has a different love language. In other words no one speaks my language. Hubby and I deliberately try to speak to each other in the other one's language, but when we are stressed and overwhelmed, it gets harder.

I feel like right now I have been pouring love and energy into the kids. This drains my love tank even faster, and intake from Hubby's love barely replaces the energy/ love that's being drained by him. I don't have a lot of friends right now and work consists of Hubby and I and that's about it - it's a big drain.

Ponito pours love back into my love tank, and barely makes any withdrawals. Bob is 13. She isn't taking out much, but as a teenager she definitely isn't adding any. Kitty has recently started to make the tiniest deposits, but of course is more draining. Bear is 150% withdrawal. The only other intakes I'm getting are from the internet and e-mail so I'm spending more and more time on the blogs, websites, and e-mails... until the wee hours of the morning.

When I was younger I had what Hubby and I call "Puppies." These were people that need help and providing it gave me some warm fuzzies, which added to my love tank. But eventually the drain of helping these people way outweighed the intake. I eventually realized each time that I couldn't do anymore, and then I would be done. I would no longer provide any support and stopped completely. I was done and didn't want to deal with them at all. Not something I'm proud of but justified/ rationalized and self protecting.

I did finally figure out that I was not really helping my puppies. I was perpetuating their learned helplessness. I stopped taking in puppies a long time ago. Some of this could be my bipolar disorder. I take on projects, work until I'm drained and can't do it anymore, and then crash.

Children are different. You're supposed to help children to the best of your ability. You're supposed to give and give and give and never give up or quit. Kids, especially those with major issues like my kids, need all the love and support you can give them. So where's the line? Unlike adults who can/should/ need to take care of themselves, my kids still need everything. They are still very young children living in teenage bodies.

I feel the need to turn off the many draining faucets dedicated to Bear. I have to staunch the flow before I'm completely drained (yes, I know it's a little late for that). I just don't know how to turn off just a few faucets so I feel like I need to shut them all off and cut him off completely. To protect myself. At the same time, I don't really feel that's right either. He's still a child. I'm torn. I'm not sure I'm making a difference, but I know I can't maintain this drain either. My love tank is empty. There's nothing left for anybody.


I do know that part of my problem is the "intake." I don't have a lot of inner strength. I don't fill my own tank at all (leftovers from a childhood of low self-esteem?). God fills a tiny bit, but nowhere near as much as He could (my own issues with my faith). I have few friends, because I don't have time to be the type of friend I think I should. I don't have a job that reinforces my need for approval.

I'm not trying to be whiny, I just need to keep working on ways to get what I need. I've thought about writing a book, but I'm afraid it won't work soon enough. I've thought about volunteer work (which will get me the positive reinforcement I need, but that requires effort, which we've already established I don't have time to give... I feel like it's a Catch 22. I hate those!

What fills your tank? How do you keep from draining dry?

Touch issues

These are horribly blurry, but these are the picture of Kitty getting her award. I don't know if you can see it, but look at the expression on her face in the picture on the right. She looks miserable. Does that look like the face of a child who just got an award?

Kitty’s touch issues are complex. Some of it seems to be the attachment disorder stuff or the fact that she was physically and sexually abused. She doesn’t want people to touch her or get in her space – she doesn’t want anyone to get close to her. One of the reasons I nicknamed her Kitty on the blog is because of think of her as a lot like a cat. She will accept hugs and physical touch, but only on her own terms. She may be OK for a little while if you are “petting” her with permission, but sometimes she’ll turn and “bite” you for no apparent reason. She thinks she doesn’t need others and thinks she is totally independent.

She hates to have her hair and neck touched. Sometimes she’ll let me rub her back, but usually only when I’m tucking her into bed. That’s the one time she doesn’t want me to leave and will hang onto my arm if I try to go. I’m assuming it’s because her defenses are down when she’s tired. She sometimes plops in my lap (all 176lbs of her), but I’m not allowed to hold her while she’s there. She can kiss and hug me (rare but it does happen), but I can’t kiss her. When we’re around other kids she won’t acknowledge my existence (of course neither will Bob), but all other places, most of the time, she’ll walk next to me and hold my hand.

Part of what I understand about RAD is that the child is usually neglected. When they were babies, they cried and no one came, so they learn to ignore the body/ feelings. Or maybe someone came and took care of her or maybe hurt her instead. She didn’t learn cause and effect. The reaction of her caregivers was not consistent enough. I don’t know this for sure, but I do know her birthmother was treated for cocaine and meth within 2 years of her birth, so I make some assumptions. For kids with RAD, because no one interacted with them, they may not learn to associate touch with pleasurable feelings. Because of the C-PTSD they might feel overwhelmed by their feelings, so they dissociate.


Kitty isn’t ticklish, she is proud of the fact that you could hit or pinch her forearms and shins and she doesn’t feel it. She can’t tell you when she’s hungry or full. She doesn’t recognize most feelings and can’t tell you where in her body they are located, she often dissociates when the subject of feelings comes up.


I don’t know why she has this problem. One therapist (EMDR/ trauma) said that as she deals with and processes the PTSD/ trauma then she will be able to handle feelings (body and emotions), and begin to feel again, but she couldn’t handle EMDR and trying to process her trauma – she just dissociated.

The Attachment therapist is working on trying to help her recognize her feelings and where she’s feeling them in her body, but when she does (rarely) express an emotion, she can’t tell you where she feels it (like when I’m tense I feel it in my stomach and my jaw). We’ve also tried getting her to recognize where she is in space, by asking her how her feet feel touching the ground, does she feel pressure, any discomfort? We’ve touched her arms with feathers (if she gives permission), placed stones in her hands, had her hold weighted balls… then tried to get her to describe how they feel. What did we get? Frankly almost nothing, except more dissociation (this is when she loves to ask me for things she knows she cannot have, demand that it’s time to go home, mention she’s starving, or get up and go to a different part of the room to do something else). The attachment therapist’s reasoning is that if we can help her recognize her feelings (physical and emotional) then she will be able to recognize and process the trauma/ issues.

Both therapists are trying to accomplish the same goal, by coming at it from different directions. I feel that Kitty’s walls are so strong around herself that we may never break through and access her feelings, but then again, I never thought she’d accept my hugs at all, or come to me for even the littlest comfort. So maybe we’re making more progress than I think.

I guess I just thought we’d be further along after almost 3 years. Especially after Bear made such a huge turnaround when his bipolar disorder was finally treated. At least we’ve got some more years left with her. She’s only in 8th grade.

God's plans

I believe that When God closes a door, he opens a window, but there are so many openings and closings going on right now it's making my head spin!

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at
the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us."
Helen Keller US blind & deaf educator (1880 - 1968)

Sure wish God would give me an outline of his plan for us. Would make my life soooo much easier.

At work, we've known we need a sales person for quite awhile. It's been putting a strain on our relationship that Hubby wants me to do it, and I won't/can't. He's taken it on himself, but he's not great at it and it's just one more thing he doesn't have time for.

We have been talking to a guy in Michigan for awhile about a future position with our company. He finally told us he had to have a committment. We were about to tell him that it wasn't an option because we weren't ready when he happened to mention that the other job he was considering was a sales position! Because he works for he auto industry his interview travel fees, relocation fees, and HALF HIS SALARY FOR THE FIRST SIX MONTHS would be paid for by this program. We still couldn't justify bringing in a new designer, but if he could do sales as well?! That made him practically perfect. He could sell for us until we had enough business to shift him full-time to the design position he wanted, and we would be getting him for half price (which in today's economy was still more than we could afford, but better than full price).

We assumed God was watching out for us and had given us the perfect employee. So we said come on down for an "interview" and we'll give you job training so you can start work immediately while you wait to close on your house. The cool thing about our business is that it's mostly virtual so as long as you have a phone and a computer... you're set. When the guy got here, we discovered he's a great designer, but a total introvert, so when it comes to sales he was not going to be great. Still we really liked him and he was highly motivated to move here and work for us (we're great people!)

Two doors down from our new office, there is a human resource company (that among other things has a matching program filling positions for all types of jobs), and we'd mentioned to them awhile back that we were looking for a new sales guy. This week the company had decided to drop the matching program, so when a potential sales guy walked in they mentioned we were looking (yea! No finder's fee for us). He dropped by the office, and we interviewed him and REALLY liked him.

The next morning we found out that the designer had been offered more money than we could offer for a design (only) position - no dreaded sales. In today's economy he felt he had to take it, but he did feel really torn because he wanted to work for us. He very sweetly gave us several referrals to potential clients and permission to use his name. So we assumed this was part of God's plan for us/him, and we had the potential new sales guy so all was well.

Offered the sales guy a position. He LOVED us, really wanted to work with us, but got an offer he couldn't refuse from a former employer. He's actually used his many contacts to place an ad for a new salesperson for us on multiple sites at no cost to us, which has brought in a flood of applicants. So, moving on.

We're continuing to do sales on our own, and it seems to be working well - we've got several hot prospects. Now all we have to do is close some deals.



I do have to say I'm assuming that like in all other areas of my life that God has plans for me, and wants what is best for me. I'm growing in faith more, and I understand that when I pray sometimes the answer is, "No." When I look back at some of the disappointments and hard stuff I realize it worked out for the best, or made me stronger so I could handle the next step. Sometimes I wish God didn't have as much faith in my strength.

Where did that come from?!

Finally received Kitty’s neurological test results, yea! They don’t have a summary so I’m having trouble interpreting everything (boo!), but I’ve got a call in to the therapist at the residential treatment center (RTC) that did the testing.

Monday I decided to try going back to work full-time (I’ve been home every day when they get home from school) to help Kitty regulate since her return from the RTC). She seemed calm, past any honeymoon stage, and we hoped it was her meds finally working. Tuesday night though we went to therapy and all the old issues were back (threatening youngest son, hating Grandma…). I kept staring at her wondering where this was coming from! It was as if the last 6 weeks hadn't happened. Well, there was a slight acknowledgement that what she was saying wasn't OK, but it didn't stop her. She obviously believed every word. So today I go back to being there after school.


We have been slowly taking Kitty off Lithium because of the side effects and the fact that it didn’t seem to be having any effect on her. If her behavior improves because I’m home, then we can assume it’s not the Lithium. If it continues to go downhill then we will have to assume she needs the external regulation, and decide what to do from here. I don’t actually do anything with her when I’m home (I sit on the couch and work on my laptop). It’s apparently just knowing I’m there and in charge that comforts her. Also, her little brother is able to stay home when Grandma goes to pick up the girls after their school gets out so our daughter has much less interaction with him, and Grandma doesn’t have to protect him from her – I will experiment later in the week with ways to see if that’s what’s causing the issues and how to fix it.




I also apparently need to be home for Bear too, even though he is never home. At therapy last week, we talked about how much Bear is isolating himself in his room and decided he needed to cut it out. Instead he's arranged to have after school activities every day.





We'd agreed that he could volunteer to lead PT (physical training for us non-military types) for the JROTC after school. It was a leadership position that we thought might be good for him, and we assumed it was fairly well supervised. Now we're realizing that just like at home, Bear assumes leadership means yelling at and telling others what to do, so that lovely behavior is being reinforced, and there doesn't appear to be any/much adult supervision at all. Plus, we assumed it would be one day a week, but agreed to two. Now he's also running a make-up day. So he's not getting home until sometime between 6 and 7 Tuesday through Thursday.





He's supposed to have mid day meds at 4pm. Obviously that's not happening and the other day he forgot his morning meds. When Grandma mentioned he wasn't getting chores done, he was rude to her. When I backed her up and mentioned one thing he hadn't done was make his bed, he angrily said that was my fault because he has no sheets! Excuse me?! How is it my fault? He's NEVER told me he needs new sheets.





Apparently his sheets are "messed up," and when pressed he admitted it was because he was falling asleep with gum in his mouth and it was falling out on the sheets. Have to say I think this is bull. I guess it's time to go search/ organize his room again. I know he's wearing the same 2-3 outfits over and over without washing them. He claims that is because he can't find any other clothes (he's incredibly picky). Occasionally he'll ask me to mend something, but he asks me at 9:15pm (bedtime is 9pm) and needs it done for the next day. So I'm assuming he's wearing them anyway. He layers so it's not like anyone would notice.



One possible reason for Kitty thinking it is OK for her to boss around Ponito is that she sees Bear bossing around everyone, and thinks this is her inalienable right. She would love to boss around Bob, but now that Bob is bigger than her I think she has given this up. I'm not sure how to intervene and let everyone know that Bear's behavior is not OK. When he did it in front of us we let him know in no uncertain terms that it was not OK, but there's not a lot we can do about the fact that he does it when we're not around. Even Bob "parents"/ bosses around Ponito, and he is standing up for himself. This is what makes Kitty think he's evil - he won't let her tell him what to do. He refuses to be her "dancing monkey" like she remembers her younger biosisters being.





To end this on a positive note. Ponito won an award last week at school for being conscientious, helpful, and going above and beyond in his volunteer duties helping kids get in and out of cars before and after school. Kitty won an award this morning for "Performing on Target" (gotta love the No Child Left Behind crud). Not that I'm not happy she won an award, but she didn't do anything! I don't have a picture of Kitty yet (forgot the camera as usual so a neighbor took pictures for us), but here's one of Ponito.