After a 20 minute call with Hubby regarding what we should do with Bear for "missing" the bus yet again, I could have just strangled Hubby when not 10 minutes later, he told Bear he could stay after school for an "unannounced tutoring session with all his teachers."
My side of our "discussion" had been we needed to come down hard on him for lying/manipulating us to get unsupervised time with his friends. Hubby was saying he didn't see how we could make Bear's life as miserable as being abused so Bear wouldn't care what we did to him.
I do not trust Bear. EVERY time we've given him some freedom, Bear has lied, stolen, or done something illegal (often all 3). I do NOT want him to have unsupervised time. I disagree with Hubby that we cannot make the consequences for this sneaky behavior be "painful" enough to discourage him from doing it again. He actually feels safer when we are supervising him closely.
I let Hubby know that I felt he should have told Bear NO when he asked to stay after school, and cite his behavior YESTERDAY as the reason. Bear needs to know that we know he is lying and that losing our trust does have consequences. I hung up the phone with Hubby just furious at him. And that was the last straw.
Bear's therapist has mentioned several times that Bear has been forcing us to be detectives. To hunt down all his lies as well as pull out his emotions and feelings. The therapist was more focused on getting Bear to open up to us, but he had another point as well.
I spend hours every day dealing with getting the kids what they need. Today alone I spent:
- 5 minute resenting the fact that Bear didn't take out the trash last night like he is supposed to, so we had to do it last minute while he piddled around after his 45+ minute shower/bath
- a half hour talking to Transportation about whether or not Bear's bus really was leaving too early.
- 20 minutes e-mailing back and forth with the principal of his special school about the matter.
- 1.5 hours dealing with finding him a pediatric kidney specialist (they're called Nephrologists in case you wanted to know).
- 15 minutes discussing with the psychiatrist's office manager the fact that our insurance still hasn't paid for appointments as far back as 6/08 despite the hours I've spent on the phone trying to fix this. The psychiatrist gave notice that if the insurance didn't pay it we would have to.
- 3o minutes
arguingdiscussing consequences with Hubby,
- probably another 2 hours brooding.
- maybe 20 whole minutes writing my letter of resignation by hand.
- 30 minutes discussing the days I've spent trying to make the PTSD information Bear's therapist is insisting he read and discuss with us more age appropriate. It's 8 pages long and written at a graduate level (I have a Master's and still don't understand it all). It's been 3 days and I'm only on page 3. My mom has graciously volunteered to try to complete it for me - which is good because it has to be done, read and discussed with Bear by Saturday.
- 30 minute listening to him ask for privileges like getting to stay late after school and go to football games to do "community service" for ROTC. I was noncommital.
- 45 minutes at dinner listening to him tease his siblings, talk and joke around. (Not a problem, but I was still fuming and didn't want to be around him. The good news is I think I managed to hide it, mostly).
So I decided to give up the job of Detective and Nurturing Mommy. I'm not sure if I will actually give him my letter of resignation or not. I will probably wait until my hormones calm down or something.
I will no longer be a detective.
I will no longer search you out when you seem upset.
I will no longer search your room, stuff or pockets.
I will not call your teachers or school.
I will not verify your stories or check up on you.
I will not believe you or trust you.
I will not expect you to love or care about me or the family.
I will not go out of my way to help you.
I will not open myself up so you can hurt my feelings.
I will not tolerate disrespect of myself or the family.
I will not be responsible for your feelings.
I will still love you.
I will still listen when you want to talk.
I will still take you to doctor's appointments and give you meds.
I will believe others are telling the truth if there is a disagreement.
I will take care of your basic needs (food, clothes, a place to sleep)
I still expect you to be polite and helpful.
I still expect you to keep all drugs, cigarettes and illegal activities away from our home and if I catch you doing it - I will press charges.
I still expect you to not steal from the family.
Hubby and Grandma think it's too harsh. They're probably right. Still felt good to get it all on paper. Time to go to bed and end this stinky day (to top it off our only car had an $800 breakdown. When I went with Grandma to pick up my purse I'd left at a restaurant on Friday and just now figured out where it was, her car broke down too. Her cell phone battery was dead and the restaurant didn't have a phone we could use. Luckily we were able to talk an office manager in a nearby office building into delaying closing up for a minute while we borrowed their phone. Poppy (Grandma's husband) got her car started so we can borrow it tomorrow).