Relationship: A mutual satisfaction of each other's needs.
Correspondent Reciprocity: (big words, but don't worry it'll be OK!!)
Most friendship relationships are 50/50 equal. I pay for Jeri's lunch on the way to the seminar. She pays for mine on the way back. She drives, I offer a shoulder to cry on (not literally - she's driving!). Mike, the organizer of the seminar, offers us a place to stay. We volunteer at the seminar, lugging things, helping with check-in. We are all more comfortable with the equality of the relationship. As adults, we can handle things being uneven for a while, but usually, the person asking for more feels guilty (and the person giving might feel resentful) until the scales can balance.
Complementary Reciprocity: People give and take different things, but are equally satisfied.
75% (parent) + 25% (child)=100% or even 90% (parent) + 10% (child) =100%
An intimate relationship (like a marriage) is usually a combination of both correspondent and complementary reciprocity.
When Reciprocity is not working correctly in Parent-Child relationships:
Unconditional Caregiving
A child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (or really most children of trauma) has no idea how to reciprocate. They do not learn to have healthy relationships with others or themselves. They feel isolated, entitled, superficial love...
Providing unconditional love to a child without getting anything in return will make you sick. (If this were a stranger or a celebrity it would be called stalking!).{Giving Until There's Nothing Left - But My Child Needs Me!)} Instead, we should practice unconditional caregiving.
Children have to be taught how to reciprocate. Unlike healthy children who can learn through their parent's role modeling of appropriate behavior, traumatized children have to be taught - more on that in this post - Relationships(Cont.).
When Reciprocity is working correctly in Parent-Child relationships:
Correspondent:
Complementary:
Child needs:
As a sweet biochild without a traumatic background, Ponito has Reciprocity down cold. Love that kid.
We had a skirmish today because he's been lying when he forgets or doesn't want to do something (usually a chore).
Recently, he was caught and confronted about a major lie (not feeding the dogs!). When I confronted him on the lie he pouted and then got angry. I tried to get him to understand that I wasn't mad, I just needed him to tell me when he didn't do something, so we could fix it.
Grandma is finally back from vacation (missed you, Mom!). She took an upset Ponito with her to pick up Bear after school. When Ponito came back, he was calm, and eventually climbed in my lap gave me a kiss (his Love Language, and one of mine, is Physical Touch), and said he was sorry. It took a little more coaxing to get him to talk it through.
**At bedtime tonight, we discovered that when he'd gotten mad and slammed around in his room, he'd ripped the shutters off one of his windows - destroying the shutters and damaging the wall.
Now, he'll have to reimburse us for the repair work. He recently earned almost $30 that he was planning on using to buy Speed Cups (toy). That money will probably get confiscated. Sad really. He worked hard for that. He won't like it, but (unlike Kitty and Bear) he'll understand that actions have consequences and learn from his mistakes.
Kitty also had a meltdown tonight. I'm putting it on a different post because this is already long enough.
A child with Reactive Attachment Disorder (or really most children of trauma) has no idea how to reciprocate. They do not learn to have healthy relationships with others or themselves. They feel isolated, entitled, superficial love...
Providing unconditional love to a child without getting anything in return will make you sick. (If this were a stranger or a celebrity it would be called stalking!).{Giving Until There's Nothing Left - But My Child Needs Me!)} Instead, we should practice unconditional caregiving.
Children have to be taught how to reciprocate. Unlike healthy children who can learn through their parent's role modeling of appropriate behavior, traumatized children have to be taught - more on that in this post - Relationships(Cont.).
When Reciprocity is working correctly in Parent-Child relationships:
Correspondent:
- Positive interactions
- Each has pride in the other
Complementary:
Child needs:
- Accurate reflection of self as worthy and lovable
- Support for exploration and expression
- Knowledge and skills as to how to please the parent
- Acceptance of parental warmth, affection, support
- Compliance with limit settings and directives
- Signs of appreciation and love/adoration
As a sweet biochild without a traumatic background, Ponito has Reciprocity down cold. Love that kid.
We had a skirmish today because he's been lying when he forgets or doesn't want to do something (usually a chore).
Recently, he was caught and confronted about a major lie (not feeding the dogs!). When I confronted him on the lie he pouted and then got angry. I tried to get him to understand that I wasn't mad, I just needed him to tell me when he didn't do something, so we could fix it.
Grandma is finally back from vacation (missed you, Mom!). She took an upset Ponito with her to pick up Bear after school. When Ponito came back, he was calm, and eventually climbed in my lap gave me a kiss (his Love Language, and one of mine, is Physical Touch), and said he was sorry. It took a little more coaxing to get him to talk it through.
**At bedtime tonight, we discovered that when he'd gotten mad and slammed around in his room, he'd ripped the shutters off one of his windows - destroying the shutters and damaging the wall.
Now, he'll have to reimburse us for the repair work. He recently earned almost $30 that he was planning on using to buy Speed Cups (toy). That money will probably get confiscated. Sad really. He worked hard for that. He won't like it, but (unlike Kitty and Bear) he'll understand that actions have consequences and learn from his mistakes.
Kitty also had a meltdown tonight. I'm putting it on a different post because this is already long enough.
**************
For more information about Relationships, see this post - Relationships(Cont.)
1 comment:
I really love how you put this down in understandable terms. It is very helpful! Thank you!
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