This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Friday, October 30, 2009

Just Kidding

I've been so careful about protecting Kitty from some of her triggers (like not being able to handle being told she's in the FAIR Club). Now I don't tell her she's in the FAIR Club, but just treat her that way instead. She knows she has fewer priviliges than everyone else, but we are very careful not to imply it is because she is in trouble. After a post on Lisa's blog about practicing I'm wondering if it would be better to innoculate her against her triggers instead.

When we call to her, her first response is always, "What'd I do?" Maybe I should just call her all the time. Making sure sometimes it's to just say, "I love you" or to give her a treat, or just to talk. I tried this for awhile, and it seemed to work, but lately it seems we only talk to the kids to fuss at them.

Yesterday we came up with a hand gesture to use when we are joking/ sarcastic/ teasing (palm up hand is in a u shape with the fingers together and the thumb opposing). Sometimes we use the hand to actually push up both corners of our mouth to make us smile - showing that it was said to make them smile. I've used it a lot. Didn't realize how sarcastic we are as a family.

Kitty loves to ask questions to which she knows the answer is no (like wanting to leave therapy and go eat fast food). This is often her way to dissociate and distract. It happens a LOT in therapy. I hate having to tell her no, because I feel like its counted against me, even though it is totally impossible anyway! So I avoid it. Most of the time I just say, "We'll talk about this later. Right now we're talking about "______." Sometimes I say, "Sure, as soon as you ___________."

She also likes to ask questions for which there is no real answer. For example, if we are watching a movie and a character does something inappropriate, illegal, mischevious or just plain impossible, she loves to ask things like, "Would you be mad at me if I sat in a tree and took chocolates and a doll from inside the house." "Would you let me date Joe Jonas?" "Would you be mad at me if I did that? It's almost always something that's not possible and she wouldn't do even if she were in the situation. Again, I hate saying No, because I feel like it is counting against me in her mind. So I've started saying sure. "Honey, if you get a super power then you have my permission to stop a bankrobber." Sometimes if it is feasible, but unlikely, then I still say sure, and when she asks in amazed tones, "Really?!" I give her the hand sign.


Mama Drama Times Two said...

I'm trying the hand signal with my dear sweet incessant silly question asker (translated = my 10 year old control freak)

Anonymous said...

Q: "Can we leave?"
A: "What time is it? ... And what time do we leave? ... So what is the answer?"

Q: "Would you let me date that really cute guy on TV?"
A: "That depends. Is he married?"
A: "If he came up to you and asked you for a date, I think I'd let you."