Bear FAIR Club Assignment

Here’s what I’m thinking about assigning Bear for a FAIR Club Assignment:

Read the Risky Behavior page and answer the questions on a second page.

RISKY BEHAVIOR

Death wish, noun.

• A desire for self-destruction, often accompanied by feelings of depression, hopelessness, and self-reproach.

A suicidal urge thought to drive certain people to put themselves consistently into dangerous situations.

Crime Statistics

• In 1995, 32,130 males age 12 and older were victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault.


• Teens 16 to 19 were three and one-half times more likely than the general population to be victims of rape, attempted rape or sexual assault.


• About 44% of rape victims are under age 18


• Murder (homicide), which is the tenth leading cause of death for males in the United States


• Homicide with a firearm was the second leading cause of death of persons between the ages of 10 and 24.


• Two thirds of all 1992 US murders were accomplished with firearms. Handguns were used in about half of all murders. Sharp instruments were used in 17% of murders and blunt instruments in about 6%.


• Over 65% of murders are males killing males.


• Nearly half of murderers were strangers to the victim.


• Saturday was the most popular day-of-the-week to be murdered.


• Murder rates are higher in the afternoon than in the morning, but are highest at night -- climbing steadily from 6 pm, peaking at 11 pm and declining thereafter.

You snuck out and no one knew where you were if something happened to you. Plus, they probably would not even start looking for you until the next day. You also lied to many people about where you were (to their face or by letting them believe something you know wasn’t true), damaging their trust. You were out on a Saturday night, in the dark, in the rain – one of the most dangerous times to be out, especially alone. You got in the car of a stranger.

1. Why do you think we, your parents, want you to be safe? (write 1 paragraph)
2. How do you think we, your parents, would feel if you got hurt or worse? (write 2 paragraphs)
3. Why do you engage in risky, self-destructive behavior? (write two paragraphs)
4. Do you think you will change this behavior? If yes, how (be very specific)? If no, why not? (be very specific) (write 2 paragraphs)
5. Read the Driving Expectations page. List all the expectations that you are having trouble with. 6. Why do you think we require these behaviors before you can drive? (Write at least 2 sentences per expectation)

A cRADptastic week.

So the fun continuous.

Remember the pictures of girls in their undies (mostly, apparently there were a couple that showed full frontal) that I Ponito found when searching Bear's room? Well, I had paid Ponito to help me with the cleaning (mostly doing the lugging - trash, laundry, confiscated stuff).

Apparently while throwing away the bag of trash, Ponito pulled out the pictures. And proceeded to sell most of them to a neighbor kid (also 10 years old). If you're thinking oh just typical boy stuff - he hasn't hit puberty, yet, and he used the money to buy a stuffed animal!

So he's grounded. His stuffed animal is confiscated (as are the pictures) and he will have to pay a $20 "fine." (twice the cost of the "stolen" items.). Now I get to figure out what to give him for a FAIR Club assignment. The neighbor family already told him he can't play with their kids for "a while."

Of course he knows that it was Kitty who told on him so he's already threatened to kill her. *sigh*

Bear's 1st anniversary of his adoption is tomorrow. His 16th birthday is the next day. I had already decided his girlfriend (who is allegedly going to be out of town all next week, one of the excuses he gave for skipping school to spend time with her) could come to the family party on Saturday, but that was it.

I let him talk to GF this morning and he claims her dad died of cancer yesterday. Her mom, stepfather and brother went to Sea World or Disney World or somewhere and she's staying with her best friend in our neighborhood again. *sigh* So of course she "needs" him. What do you do?!

I told him she could go run errands with the family for a couple of hours (library, hardware store), but then she needed to go home. Grandma apparently forgot to drop her off (or didn't get the message). So the GF was here for lunch, watching a movie afterward, and now is planning on meeting them at the pool.

I'll get no "credit" for allowing this time together. All he'll remember is what a restrictive witch I am. *sigh*

Last but not least. Got a all from biograndma. Apparently on Tuesday, Biomom packed up the girls (my kid's bio half sisters) and moved from Nebraska to Texas! She didn't tell anyone, just did it. Grandma reached her (I guess via cell phone) and Biomom said it was to be closer to my kids and because she thought she could get more assistance for school (she's been getting grant money for college for 5 years - spends it on other stuff).

Not sure who she knows in this city, but she went there before when she visited my kids in January. She mentioned she'd be visiting there in September and asked if she could see the kids then. I hadn't answered yet, because I couldn't decide what to do. I want the kids to see their sisters, but not Biomom. The town she's now in is still almost 7 hours away from us (Texas is huge!), but I'm freaking out!!

Biomom visit

So here are the pictures taken with Biomom during her meeting with the children. Notice Bear's half-asleep expression. That's one of his avoidance techniques. I was surprised he had allowed this 1/2 hug. He had insisted in the ground rules that she was not allowed to touch him. Notice my children's hands. Look how stressed they are.
I was surprised at how much they look like Biomom, since I think my kids don't look a whole lot alike. Now I'm REALLY curious as to what their biofathers look like. For Kitty I guess we'll never know. For now, despite repeated attempts, Bear has lost contact with his biodad. Biomom thinks he might be in jail again. She doesn't keep in contact with him though.
Here is the letter Biomom sent to me after the visit. I had sent Biomom the Christmas pictures of the kids. In return she sent me copies of the pictures taken at the meeting (there were a few more). They were labeled "My family 060" "My family 062"... Sometimes it's the little things that bother me.

Dear Mary,
I was very please with the way the visits went. I am so glad that it had taken place. I did not leave there feeling empty inside. I felt that I did the right thing. I felt in my heart that the kids are exactly where they needed to be. I wasn't too surprized about how (Kitty) acted, it had been a long time to see me and it was a bit nerve racking.....And the visit with (Bear) was alright. I was very pleased, I know it did hurt when I left. But I knew in my heart it was alright. Mary, you and (Hubby) are so much more than I expected and I want to tell you THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart, the kids mean alot to me and I know now that they are being taken care of.
The Christmas pictures are so nice. thank you for sending them to me. I did worry for a few days now, how well the kids did after the visits.

You know as far as the friend in Indiana (the friend she was staying with when she met Kitty's bio father) I don't know where they are now. I tried to find them about 1 month ago, when I was out there but came up with nothing. Surely I thought to myself someone would know where he was. The fair was in (_______) Indiana but I don't know the name of it. It was just a thing that happened. We only slept together one time. and then I called the next day and he was gone. So I am just as confused as everyone else.

Thank you again for letting me see them, and I hope that is was better than you expected. And send my thank you to (Hubby) also. It was very appreciative. (Biomom)

So now the visit is done. The kids seem none the worse for wear. The horrible timing was apparently God's plan as starting school the next day seemed to provide a major distraction to Kitty. While she is continuing to have meltdowns, it does not appear to be related to Biomom's visit.
I'm not sure about blog etiquette. Should I not post pictures of biomom? I can crop her out or remove the pictures later.

Biomom - Bear's visit

I wasn't there for Bear's visit. I went home with Kitty. So this was relayed to me after we'd gone to bed, from Hubby's point of view 2 days ago. So forgive me if it misses anything pertinent.

Bear started the session alone with the therapist. After about 10 minutes or so Hubby and Biomom were invited in. Bear was allowed to choose where everyone sat. He put Biomom near the door to the office - as far away from everyone as you could get. He alternated between shutting down and asking questions.

With the therapist's prompting he asked why Biomom had given him up. She said she wasn't in a good place in her life and she felt that they were safer somewhere else and she felt she couldn't give them the life that they needed or deserved. He asked why she told Biofamily that the children had been taken from her by the state. She denied it and said she's always told the family the truth.

He asked why she had waited so long to take him to see Biofather. Bear has always maintained that it was his Grandfather who took him to his first meeting with his biofather. Biomom denies this in the therapy session and said it was she who took him, at about age 5 (before which Biofather didn't know of his existence) and occasionally afterward, but that there was drug and alcohol abuse and Biofather was in and out of prison so she thought him a bad influence. She mentioned that Bear's Biodad has never paid child support at least twice. She did answer in the positive, the therapist's question about whether or not she was sure that Biofather really was Biofather.

When Bear asked her why it took her so long to take him to see Biofather and why she didn't want him to see him. Biomom started to just say Biodad was a bad influence, but the therapist told her that Bear was old enough for her to be blunt about it, so she told Bear that Biofather was a substance abuser.

Bear was also Biomom's protector (yes, he was only 11 when he was sent away). Apparently Biomom worried about this getting him hurt. She mentioned this in the therapist session as well. I had noticed this when he first came to us (and really he still does it some). We called it parenting, and have pretty much forbidden it. It was very patronizing. It took me almost a year to show Bear that I was strong enough to take care of myself and didn't need him telling me what to do. I doubt he trusts me or anyone enough to trust us with him or his safety, but it's a little better.

There were a few more questions, but Hubby didn't remember them well, and now I don't remember what he told me. Those were the big ones.

Bear finished talking to Biomom in about 20 minutes and asked her to leave so he could finish his session with the therapist. Hubby was invited to leave a couple of minutes later so he sat with Biomom while she waited for her cab. They talked a little more.

Biomom talked to Hubby about going for her business degree, but admitted to being a procrastinator. When asked about the things the kids had asked for, she said she hadn't found them. Hubby assumes that she put off looking for them and then gave up when she couldn't find them where she thought they were. (Bear had asked for his wrestling medals. Biomom mentioned to Hubby that a friend of hers had a son who had a ton of wrestling medals laying around and she might just ask for some of them. Hubby asked me to tell her in my follow-up e-mail that it would be better not to give Bear any medals then give him someone else's.)

Hubby took Bear out for a shake at a fast food restaurant to "make up" for the fact that Bear didn't get lunch out like Kitty did. He still begged to have dinner out - ad infinitum.

A little while after Bear got home I asked him about the phone calls to Biomom. He had most likely talked to the therapist about this, so had a story all ready to go. He completely denied having called her and said he had only spoken to her when she was at the Grandma's house with the girls. I let it go, but I think he knows I thought this was BS. I told him he needed to tell us before he called biofamily (including ex-stepfather).

Overall the visit went pretty well. We are dealing with a lot fewer repercussions then I thought we would. Of course both kids are super distracted by starting public school (full-time for Kitty, just two classes at the high school for Bear). More on how that's going in my next post.

Biomom visit - Kitty's visit

The photo on the left was taken during Kitty's time in foster care. It was probably how Biomom last saw her. The photo on the right is a more recent picture.

Because we ran late, Grandma ended up bringing Kitty to the therapist's office - so Kitty was waiting in the lobby when we left the office. Biomom wanted to get something out of her luggage which was being stored in the office so she was behind us a bit. Kitty stood up and began talking to me about something (no idea what).

When Biomom came around the corner, Kitty noticed her, but continued talking to me as if Biomom weren't there. I stood close to Kitty, and told her it was "OK." I wasn't going to tell her she had to do anything, but at the same time I tried to let her know I was OK with however she wanted to handle this. I felt sorry for Biomom who couldn't take her eyes off of my beautiful Kitty during the whole visit. We walked to the restaurant which was nearby, with a small wooded area between us. I foolishly wore heels (my only clean jeans were too long to wear with flats!) so we walked on the side of the road instead of taking a short cut by the creek. I only stumbled twice, but didn't fall!

Kitty walked right next to me, and pretty much ignored Biomom, although she did make a comment to Biomom's back about her hair being longer and a different color (Biomom had highlights and possibly dyed her hair). We talked about highlights and where Kitty got her coloring from. (Bear and Kitty get their curls from Biomom). I told Biomom that Bear had just gotten his curls cut off, and she was surprised he'd let it grow out. I was too! I had told him no buzz cuts or flat tops when he and Hubby went to get haircuts on Saturday so it wasn't freakishly short for once. Bear looked very nice.

When we got to the restaurant I asked Kitty how she wanted everyone to sit. She "didn't care." I ended up across from Kitty with Hubby and the therapist on either side of me. Kitty sat in the middle seat on the other side of the table with Biomom next to her. Ironically the school psychologist who had completed Kitty's assessment noticed us entering the restaurant (we'd seen her at the school meeting on Friday), and came over to talk. We were nowhere near the school (which is in another town) so it was a pretty big coincidence. She said hi to Kitty, and I doubt she realized what she was interrupting, although she'd known about the meeting.

Kitty kept her focus on food the whole time. (Thank goodness the therapist suggested doing this over lunch - it was perfect!). When Kitty's salad came we all sat watching her eat! Good thing the child is not shy. She didn't even notice.

I kept trying to encourage Kitty to ask Biomom questions. We did learn a little more about who Kitty was named after (a cousin of Biomom's grandfather that she called Grandma, and her middle name came from a family friend who was very supportive during Biomom's pregnancy with Kitty. Who she looks like (mostly Biodad although she definitely has Biomom's cheekbones) - still can't believe Biodad was 6'2"! I tried to ask questions (without it feeling like an interview or like I was taking over the conversation) to encourage Kitty to talk and keep the conversation going.

When everyone finished eating Kitty hopped up ready to go. (Her therapist jokingly declared that she was going to make a note that Kitty had finally said she was full. It's the first time the therapist has ever heard her say that! Usually the therapist has to put up with endless complaints of hunger). Hubby and the therapist started walking back because Hubby had to be there to meet Bear for therapy, and the therapist had another appointment. Kitty, Biomom and I trailed behind.

Biomom asked Kitty if she could have a hug. I couldn't hear what they said, and tried to give them both privacy and support at the same time (not as easy as it sounds). Biomom gave Kitty a big bear hug and didn't let go. She talked quietly in Kitty's ear. Kitty hugged back and even played with Biomom's hair a little. I overheard a little of the conversation and it sounded like Biomom was complying with our request to tell Kitty she loved her, but that Kitty was in the right place now. (Kitty told me later that Biomom hugged her so tight she couldn't breathe and asked if I'd noticed. I told her no I hadn't seen anything like that. I'm not sure it was true or Kitty just wanted me to think she was uncomfortable.)

Biomom had asked if she could take pictures of the kids, so on the way out I offered to take pictures of the two of them together (made Biomom cry again although she was remarkably restrained during the initial meeting and with Kitty - wiping a quick tear or two). Grandma got confused again (Bear was "helping" her with the times and directions) and came to the restaurant to pick us up so Biomom sort of met Ponito (he jumped out of the van to hug me). I finished taking pictures and Kitty hopped in the van. I talked to Biomom for a second before she started walking back to the therapists. She was pretty nervous about the meeting with Bear.

Kitty was pretty hyper on the way home, but I'm sure part of that was the fact that she got to eat out! Kitty went upstairs to play with dolls. Bob finished her movie and joined Kitty. They played upstairs for quite awhile. I think Kitty needs this kind of downtime. I sent Grandma home (poor thing has the cold we've all been passing around) and stayed nearby - wrote the previous post!

Bear and Hubby came home late. Hubby had taken Bear to Jack in the Box afterward. Tonight I'll get the lowdown on how Bear's therapy went and post tomorrow.

Everyone started begging to eat out and rent a movie. Instead Hubby made one of his fantastic chicken recipes and we did rent a movie (Journey to the Center of the Earth). Wouldn't have been my first choice, but at least it wasn't too upsetting.

Biomom had brought a blanket for Kitty that Kitty had had as a baby. Even though Kitty's nose was stuffed up she wrapped the blanket around herself like a cape and said it smelled like her old house. Biomom said she had washed it before she left, but that it would probably need another wash. Hubby started to insist that we wash it, but I knew Kitty needed it to smell like her old house so I stopped him. It didn't reek of cigarette smoke or anything. Kitty "wore" it for most of the evening.

Overall Kitty held it together pretty well. Right before bed, Kitty insisted that we cover her new textbooks. When Hubby told her she needed to cover her them by herself, she insisted that she couldn't do it, and when he pressed her she got upset. I just did it myself and sent her to bed. It had been a long day. We've given her a Melatonin every night this week and it seems to be helping. I'm sure she's out like a light.

Biomom visit - therapist office

Well it's over, and it went as smoothly as could be hoped.

Therapist office - no kids

Biomom was already there when we got there. We talked to her for a few minutes while waiting for the therapist to finish his earlier session. She thanked us for allowing the visit. She gave us some pictures of herself and the girls (bio sibs that still live with her). We talked about babies in general. Her youngest daughter is only 4 months old, it was hard for Biomom to leave her behind. I found out that Kitty walked at 9 months, Bear walked at 14mo and didn't talk until age 2. He was 2 when Kitty was born and Biomom said until then she and he had been best buds. On the day he was brought to the hospital to see Mom and new baby, she said he went to a corner and refused to speak. She said that was when the trouble started between them.

Her daughters had cried and wanted to come on this visit. Biomom mentioned that her best friend had come, but they had decided it was better if she wasn't at the meeting (I agreed). Kitty has talked about the best friend, and mentioned that she wanted to apologize to her. I asked Biomom to pass this along.

During the therapy session, Biomom admitted that she did not want this visit to be about closure, and almost cancelled. Her wish to see the kids won out. She was very grateful to Hubby and I for taking care of the children. She does seem to have gotten her life together and told us she is in therapy. We learned a little more about some of the kids' background. Kitty has always claimed that she bit people all the time. Biomom said Kitty never bit, but Bear went for blood and always broke the skin. Biomom gave us a few more details about some abuse that happened to Kitty at age 4.

One of the hardest things to hear was that Bear has been secretly contacting Biomom and one of her ex-husbands. Despite his claims that he hates her, he contacted her as recently as a month ago. She says she has changed her phone number recently. He has told her many tales, even told her that Hubby hit Bear with a baseball bat! We reassured her that this of course never happened. That Bear has grown a lot, and is no longer as angry, although of course he still has issues. (When asked about this, Bear of course denied it. He claims he only talked with her when she was at Biograndma's house. I believe Biomom on this one. We'll probably look at the phone bill. I told him he needed to tell us when he was contacting biofamily or Biomom's ex-husbands.)

Kitty's therapist got lost and showed up 5 minutes before the session ended. She asked how Kitty and Bear interacted. Biomom said that Bear parented everyone, including her (he tried this with me too when he first got here). She said that he didn't really spend a lot of time with the girls or anyone. Sounds like Kitty shut down when he was abusive to her and that she passed this abuse on to her sisters.

We talked about relationships with biofamily. Biomom admitted to having been physically abused by her step-father (who is still married to her mother). She confirmed that her biofather was an alcoholic. We discussed biofamily and who it would be safe for the kids to continue to have a relationship with. There were several family members that she didn't recommend allowing continued contact with - including Bear's biodad. She stated that Biodad had substance abuse issues and has been in and out of jail. She had not encouraged Bear to have a relationship with Biodad. She said it was she who had taken Bear to meet Biodad (he claimed it was his Grandfather). Currently Biodad has not been communicating with Bear (that we know of).

Kitty was waiting in the lobby.

Ground Rules

So last night I told Kitty in therapy that Biomom was coming. Kitty chose, big shock, to get to see Biomom. We told Kitty that we had many concerns, and listed a few of our reasons this might not be a good idea. No effect, but at least we got them out there. Kitty stated, "I know it's strange, but I still love her." We reassured Kitty that that is not strange at all!

We asked Kitty what would she like to get out of the visit. Kitty asked about Bear's rules and goals. I told her that Bear wanted to confront Biomom about putting him in foster care, and ask questions about Biodad. Kitty didn't understand why Bear was angry at Biomom. When we asked her what questions she had, she mentioned Biofather (although she had no ideas on specific questions) and at one point wanted to know if the Grandmother she was named after (birth name) was dead (Bear had told her that she was). She had no intention of asking anything "controversial" or confrontational.

We informed Kitty that there were some things we wanted her to understand.
1. This does not mean she is going to start seeing or talking to Biomom all the time - maybe not until she is 18.
2. This meeting is for closure.
3. We do not want to share a lot of personal information about our family (although biofamily has almost everything and has never shown an unwillingness to share).
4. If we feel that she is getting overwhelmed we will stop the meeting immediately or change the subject (we made that part of the ground rules).

So here's where I ask for input on the "Ground Rules" to send to Biomom (or present in the meeting) from you guys.

This is what we have so far (most of these came from the therapist and I and/or Bear):

1. No lies (Bear specifically wants the truth about TPR).
2. Biomom acts like the adult (no cussing, no yelling, no blaming)
3. This does not mean ongoing contact.
4. The therapist, Hubby and I can change the subject or end the session at any time.
Bear has not finished his list, but so far he has specifically added:
5. No hugging or touching.
6. No talking about the future (he believes it is none of her business).

I think Kitty is more excited about the fact that she gets to eat out then the actual visit. She is disappointed that their younger sisters will not be coming.

Kitty was agitated, but managed to remain calm during the therapy session. She sucked on a lollypop and that seemed to help. It was a late session so she ate dinner, had a shower and went straight to bed. I added a Melatonin (OTC natural sleep aid) to her meds to help her sleep. It seemed to help. She was much less grouchy this morning then yesterday.

Kitty has an appointment with the psychiatrist tonight. I plan to talk to him about possibly adding an anti-anxiety medication. I hope it doesn't look like we're trying to fix these children with medication. They just have so many issues that to help them function and grow requires assistance - otherwise they are too overwhelmed by symptoms and stimulation to cope and develop.

In answer to a question, I explained to Kitty last night that before Bear went to residential treatment his brain stem was constantly going "AiieeeaiieeeAiiee," and telling his body that he needed to go into "fight, flight or freeze" mode. Our bodies don't know the difference between excitement and anxiety. He tends to "fight" when in this mode. The combination of medications that he is on now help his body stay calm and keep from sending the "AiieeeaiieeeAiiee" signals to his brain stem. I tried to explain to Kitty that she has similar issues, but her body tends to say "flight" or "freeze" and she dissociates (distracts herself). That we are working on helping her with this. Kitty asked me to stop saying, "AiieeeaiieeeAiiee," so the conversation ended.

Biomom's response

Dear Mary,

First I would like to say thank you for being so honest with me. This is the first time in four years that anyone has spoken honeslty to me regarding the children. I was not aware of the issues that the children were facing. I always thought the reason I couldn't have any contact with them was because of the terrible person I was protrayed to be. However, I knew in my own heart, that what I did was the right thing to do for my children.

I can assure you that I am well aware that the children are in a place that is loving and caring. The home you have provided for them is where they belong. I am not afraid to let the children know this .

Mary, I would like to let you know that I couldn't imagine how difficult this decision must be for you. I do realize that you have a great deal of love for the children and only want what is best for them. As I do.

Now I am going to be honest with you as you have been with me. I do believe that keeping this visit from Kitty could have damaging affects on your relationship with her, also canceling could do the same with Bear.. I do not want you to think I am saying this because I want to see them, but because this is what I see may happen. My thoughts are that keeping this visit from Kitty could possibly cause her to feel anger and resent you and your husband for not letting her see me.
It is my hope that if we all work together, that we can give Kitty the closure that she so despertly needs. I am willing to do everything in my power to make sure this visit goes as smoothly as possible. I can assure you that the things that you are asking of me will be honored. I am telling you this not only because you are asking me but because it is the truth, from the bottom of my heart.
I would also like to add that while she was in my care, she was never placed in any type of hospital settings.
My flight from (our town) does not leave until 6:30p.m. therefore, it would be possible to arrange another visit possibly with Kitty, if you see fit.
Mary, once again, I want to tell you how greatful I am that you have opened your home and your heart to my children. You are a wonderful mother.
Sincerly,
Biomom

Second e-mail:
Dear Mary,
This is another thing I forgot to add, I will not BLAME the children for this, I will not put the BLAME on anyone. I know how this could damage both of them and I all I want is for the to succeed with life.

Therapists' opinions

So I had sent the copy of the letter to Kitty's therapists, past and present, before posting it here, and have now had a chance to talk to them all.

I talked to Kitty's former therapist, B. The one who was her therapist the entire time Kitty was in foster care. B had met with Biomom and tried to work with her. When Biomom told B that she was terminating parental rights (TPR), B was shocked and tried to talk her out of it. B required Biomom to take a class regarding TPR, hoping to change her mind. And B had to break the heart of a 9 year old child on a park bench in Nebraska by telling her that her Mommy had given her away forever.

I caught B up on what was going on (we've sent her the occasional updates). She hadn't had a chance to read the letter yet, but said there was a chance it might work. That if Biomom decided to help, then this might even make things a little better.

Biomom didn't lose the children to the system, she dumped the children in the system, just like her parents did to her. Admittedly having a parent as screwed up as she was (drugs, alcohol, multiple abusive men, 5 children with 5 different fathers, moving at least 2x year...) meant my kids should have been removed, and almost were several times (she hid them). In the last 4 and 4.5 years since each of my children were dumped, she appears to have grown up a little - not completely of course, she did just have a baby with an abusive man she lived with for 3 years and dumped before the baby was born. Still 3 years with one man is a long time for her and she has been going to college for at least a year.

What I'm counting on is the fact that Biomom wants to look like a good person. In all her e-mails to me over the last year and apparently with other biofamily, she has always maintained that she did what she did for the good of the children. That she loved them, but they were out of control and she could not get them the services they needed - which was most likely true. Even I, with access to almost all the services I need, have had times where we almost gave up as well - particularly with Bear. When she dumped him in the system (age 11) he was already 5'9" and over 200lbs (he was fully mature), he had already been in several mental institutions and juvie. Granted she screwed him up in the first place.

In my e-mails to Biomom, I've always stated that I don't judge her and that I know it must have been hard. I've never told her I think she is full of B.S. (though obviously I think she is). Only when she has acted like I am a temporary foster parent have I set her straight. I know that Bear's goal of getting her to admit that she gave the kids up voluntarily will never happen and B agrees. B believes there is a possibility that Biomom might go for my letter idea. She appears to need to have the world see her as a good person. At this point, the worst that could happen is that she doesn't, and then I'm really no worse off then I was right?

Unfortunately, Kitty's AT (attachment therapist) is going to be in training all day and will be unable to be involved with the meeting. She will be the one who helps me tell Kitty of the visit though, and will help us decide what Kitty wants to say (and technically if Kitty wants to see Biomom, although I know Kitty'll jump at the chance.). She agrees that now that we've already agreed to the visit for Bear that it would be more harmful than good to deny it to Kitty.

I started working on the logistics of the visit. Right now we have a meeting with biomom with Bear's therapist from 11am to noon. Lunch separately from noon to one. Then from 1-2 we bring Bear into his therapist's office to meet with Biomom - Hubby and I will be there too at Bear's request.

I had thought about just having Kitty join Bear's session, but Hubby and Bear's therapist had several issues with this. One being that Hubby is afraid Bear will get angry and yell and this might cause a meltdown for Kitty. Two, Kitty doesn't know Bear's therapist and has always ignored any of his few attempts at conversation. Three, and most importantly, Kitty has issues with men (even Hubby), so if she does have a meltdown, I will be the only one there able to calm her. Even if we bring in Kitty's EMDR therapist (a lot of people for this small office!), the EMDR therapist has never had to deal with one of Kitty's meltdowns or do a restraint with Kitty.

So option 2, having the EMDR therapist join the parent/ therapist meeting at 11am. At noon, we can pick up Kitty and have lunch with Biomom, EMDR therapist, Hubby and I. Positives for this - food can be a good distraction as well as a comfort, there's a table between Kitty and Biomom, it's before the meeting with Bear so no one has "gotten upset" with Biomom so she might still be willing to comply with my letter, we would be in public so Biomom might be more willing to try to "present a good face." Negatives - if Kitty has a meltdown - we're in public. Timing is going to be tight - Bear's therapist has a 2pm appointment.

I'm leaning toward option 2. I haven't discussed it with Kitty's AT yet.

Potential letter to biomom

I have been told by the kids' former therapist that Biomom was not allowed to see the children in foster care because she determinedly blamed them for what happened. We saw evidence of this fault laying in our early therapy sessions and worked hard on helping Kitty understand that this was not her fault – successfully I think. I know better than to run down a birth parent though so I’ve always avoided making Biomom look bad to the kids, and even tried to help the kids understand why she may have done the things she did. This is now coming back to bite me in the butt as Kitty has “forgotten” all the bad stuff and desperately wants to go “home.” Still, we have been dealing with this as it happens, and through EMDR therapy we’ve been trying to help her process her severe PTSD.

The following is a letter I’m thinking of sending to Biomom. She has been in touch with me via e-mail for almost a year and has always tried to make herself look like a victim who loves her kids and only put them into foster care for their own good. The kids were told by biofamily that she was “forced” to give them up. Bear now knows (and believes – unlike Kitty) that this was not true and plans to confront her with this in his session with her. This is my attempt at manipulating Biomom into having to help us or else come across as the bad guy. If she does decide to be selfish or hurtful at the last minute then at least I’m probably no worse off then I would have been if I hadn’t asked. Right?

Advice is greatly appreciated.

Thanks,
Mary

Hi (Birthmom),

As two people who love (Kitty's birth name), I need to discuss something with you. I probably shouldn’t talk to you about this, but I’m not sure what else to do. I’ll be honest and tell you that I have almost cancelled this visit several times, and I’m still not sure I’m doing the right thing for (Kitty). I haven’t told (Kitty) about your visit yet for many reasons. One being that she is going through an extremely difficult time right now and we’re not totally sure why – it could be some recent med changes, it could be hormones, it could be the holidays, it could be a lot of things. Over the last two years she has made a lot of progress. She has slowly bonded to our family, and although she is still very hurt by all the abandonments (perceived and otherwise) that she’s had in her life, we’ve seen her slowly begin to trust us and believe that we love her and won’t send her away – even when she’s acting up.

I know you never intended to hurt her, and she loves you loyally. I have always tried to explain to the children that it must have been so hard for you dealing with their issues as well as your own troubles. I have always made it clear to the children that I fully expect them to always love you. You were their first mother. My problem is that (Kitty) has never really understood why she can’t just go “home.” She has unknowingly built a fantasy about her life before foster care and adoption. She only remembers the good things, and denies any hurts or problems. Those concerns are of course still there, affecting her life and relationships. We work hard to get her to address them in therapy so that she can deal with them now instead of allowing them to fester and negatively affect her.

January 1st - 5th, (Kitty) went into an inpatient mental health facility. This is the first time this has happened since we’ve known her (about 2.5 years) - although I understand she has been hospitalized for similar issues a couple of times when she was younger. She is so emotionally fragile right now. I am VERY worried about her.

I plan to tell her about your visit at her next therapy session (Tuesday). I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place on this, and I am hoping you can help us. The way I see it I currently have 3 choices.

One, is to stick to the original plan, and let her know you are coming, but that her therapists and I feel she is not at a good place for meeting you. That Bear is older and more emotionally stable. I know she will not understand and will completely disagree (she usually ignores and denies her feelings). I feel that most likely this will damage my relationship with her, possibly permanently (I hope I don’t sound overly dramatic here, but I know you must remember being a teenager and fighting for your independence and identity with your parents? I know how rejected I felt by my parents who had a nasty divorce. My father tried to manipulate me and use me as a pawn to hurt my mother. I still have never really forgiven him). We had planned to have her write a list of questions and things she wants us to ask you about, but I doubt this will be sufficient to make up for not getting to see you.

Two, to allow her to see you and just deal with the inevitable fall-out. I’ll be honest, what terrifies me about this is that she will ask you to take her home or something similar. That you will (of course) tell her that you love her and that you never wanted to give her up, or worse, that it was her fault she was placed in foster care because she was out of control. She will blame my husband and I for keeping her from you (I know it’s not rational, but very likely), and the damage is still done to our relationship. Plus, she feels abandoned/ rejected by you when you have to leave her here.

So, as one mother to another, I’m begging for your help with this. Do you think that (with the assistance of her attachment therapist), you could help us give (Kitty) the closure she needs, and ask her to honor the bond that she has with us? I’m not asking you to tell her you don’t love her, just to encourage her to know it is OK with you for her to love my family too and be loved by us. That there is room in her heart for both of us, and that she belongs with my family now. I fully believe that if we work on this together that we will both benefit from the abundant love this child is capable of. I know that (Kitty)’s therapist (different from Bear’s) has offered to help us with this.

Please be honest with me. I feel that Kitty is in a very dangerous situation here and that we will need to walk a fine line to help her. If you do not feel that you can do this, then I will just stick to the original plan and hope that she doesn’t hate me too much. Can you tell her that you love her, but that she is where she needs to be?

Just to make things more difficult, Kitty starts public school on the 20th (the day after your visit). We’ve had her in a tiny private school for the last year and a half, but cannot afford it now because of the economy. She is excited about this, but it will still be VERY stressful for her.

Mary