This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

Biomom - Bear's visit

I wasn't there for Bear's visit. I went home with Kitty. So this was relayed to me after we'd gone to bed, from Hubby's point of view 2 days ago. So forgive me if it misses anything pertinent.

Bear started the session alone with the therapist. After about 10 minutes or so Hubby and Biomom were invited in. Bear was allowed to choose where everyone sat. He put Biomom near the door to the office - as far away from everyone as you could get. He alternated between shutting down and asking questions.

With the therapist's prompting he asked why Biomom had given him up. She said she wasn't in a good place in her life and she felt that they were safer somewhere else and she felt she couldn't give them the life that they needed or deserved. He asked why she told Biofamily that the children had been taken from her by the state. She denied it and said she's always told the family the truth.

He asked why she had waited so long to take him to see Biofather. Bear has always maintained that it was his Grandfather who took him to his first meeting with his biofather. Biomom denies this in the therapy session and said it was she who took him, at about age 5 (before which Biofather didn't know of his existence) and occasionally afterward, but that there was drug and alcohol abuse and Biofather was in and out of prison so she thought him a bad influence. She mentioned that Bear's Biodad has never paid child support at least twice. She did answer in the positive, the therapist's question about whether or not she was sure that Biofather really was Biofather.

When Bear asked her why it took her so long to take him to see Biofather and why she didn't want him to see him. Biomom started to just say Biodad was a bad influence, but the therapist told her that Bear was old enough for her to be blunt about it, so she told Bear that Biofather was a substance abuser.

Bear was also Biomom's protector (yes, he was only 11 when he was sent away). Apparently Biomom worried about this getting him hurt. She mentioned this in the therapist session as well. I had noticed this when he first came to us (and really he still does it some). We called it parenting, and have pretty much forbidden it. It was very patronizing. It took me almost a year to show Bear that I was strong enough to take care of myself and didn't need him telling me what to do. I doubt he trusts me or anyone enough to trust us with him or his safety, but it's a little better.

There were a few more questions, but Hubby didn't remember them well, and now I don't remember what he told me. Those were the big ones.

Bear finished talking to Biomom in about 20 minutes and asked her to leave so he could finish his session with the therapist. Hubby was invited to leave a couple of minutes later so he sat with Biomom while she waited for her cab. They talked a little more.

Biomom talked to Hubby about going for her business degree, but admitted to being a procrastinator. When asked about the things the kids had asked for, she said she hadn't found them. Hubby assumes that she put off looking for them and then gave up when she couldn't find them where she thought they were. (Bear had asked for his wrestling medals. Biomom mentioned to Hubby that a friend of hers had a son who had a ton of wrestling medals laying around and she might just ask for some of them. Hubby asked me to tell her in my follow-up e-mail that it would be better not to give Bear any medals then give him someone else's.)

Hubby took Bear out for a shake at a fast food restaurant to "make up" for the fact that Bear didn't get lunch out like Kitty did. He still begged to have dinner out - ad infinitum.

A little while after Bear got home I asked him about the phone calls to Biomom. He had most likely talked to the therapist about this, so had a story all ready to go. He completely denied having called her and said he had only spoken to her when she was at the Grandma's house with the girls. I let it go, but I think he knows I thought this was BS. I told him he needed to tell us before he called biofamily (including ex-stepfather).

Overall the visit went pretty well. We are dealing with a lot fewer repercussions then I thought we would. Of course both kids are super distracted by starting public school (full-time for Kitty, just two classes at the high school for Bear). More on how that's going in my next post.


Torina said...

It sounds like both visits with biomom went much better than anticipated. I bet you are so glad it is all over and you can get back to recovering.

Anonymous said...

Whew! Glad that's over! I am looking forward to hearing how the girls and Bear are doing in school.

Lisa said...

I am glad it's over too. I know it had to have been so stressful. Hoping the repercussions aren't too bad.