This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Saturday, November 6, 2010

What really happened

Friday, November 5th

From what the school could piece together, talking to D (the kid who witnessed the alleged fight and drove Bear home), Mr. P (the teacher Bear argued with), the teacher of his last class of the day, and viewing the camera focused on the entrance to the shop area and talking to the teachers seen on camera talking to Bear and D... the assistant principal (AP) believes we finally have a pretty accurate picture of what really happened on Thursday. He confronted Bear with this info and got yet another story. He confronted Bear with the facts again (which still conflicted with Bear's new story) and got a third story that was a little more plausible, but still not the whole truth. *sigh*

The SRO (police officer permanently assigned to the school) talked to Bear after Bear'd talked to the AP. He told Bear that if Bear would admit the truth, then he would try to lighten the negative consequences of Bear's false deposition. Now that Bear is legally an adult (you can be criminally prosecuted as an adult at age 17 here in TX), then he could serve jail time for this Class B misdemeanor (0 to 90 days jail time and/or $500-1500 in fines - since neither Bear nor we have any money this would most likely be jail time). Bear went back to the original story. I think he might have thought if he stuck with the original story then he couldn't be prosecuted for making a false statement. Either way, he's now in BIG trouble. (He also trotted out a lot of his old tall tales for this new SRO - "his hands are registered lethal weapons" being one of them).

It's up to the original officer whether or not Bear will be given a ticket. Honestly we think Bear needs to get the ticket, because he needs to understand there are consequences, but I don't know that it will do any good. He's been to juvie. He thinks he can handle it, but of course it's all bluff. He's terrified, but in total denial of that. I don't think he really believes this will really happen. He told us in the car after school on the way to therapy that he was going to, "Sign something on Monday that will close the case." He thinks he can "drop the charges" against the other boy and this will all go away. Of course the other half of this is that it is all MY fault. I'm the one that called the police.

In an emergency therapy session after school (the therapist had previously contacted Hubby and cancelled this week's session. When he got the e-mail regarding this, he rescheduled), we confronted Bear with the video documented proof that his story was a crock of poo.

The actual events:

Bear did get in an argument with Mr. P., but he went to class. Apparently he told the teacher that he was upset and asked to go talk to Mr. V. (the teacher let him go and apparently didn't tell anyone when he didn't return! - this will be addressed in the next IEP meeting). Mr. V wasn't at the shop building (he'd left campus to run errands).

This is the point where Bear's story stops resembling the truth.

The entrance to the shop building is on camera! Bear is first seen entering the shop building within minutes of having been released from class. He and D are then seen hanging out in front of the building and walking in and out (never gone from sight more than a few minutes) until the camera shuts off about 5pm. D verifies that he and Bear worked in the shop until about 5:30pm at which point D had to get home. So he gave Bear a ride home.

D says Bear was not assaulted. Bear did bave a conversation with a kid who wanted Bear to return his homework (Bear had apparently borrowed it to copy), which Bear refused to do, but the argument was verbal - not physical. Most of the marks on Bear can be explained by what might happen to someone who is working with moving a heavy metal smoker (caught on film) and other stuff that would typically happen to an uncoordinated kid unsupervised in a shop class (yes, we will be having major conversations with the school about this as well - they said the room should not have been unlocked after school).

Bear still denied everything!! Hubby tried to get him to admit his lie. I know this bugs Hubby in a big way, but this is sooo futile. Bear is unable to do this, and badgering him about it just causes him to dig in. I finally just stopped it and said we needed to focus on what Bear was going to do now. "Keep moving forward!" Bear basically said he was going to be good. *sigh*

His therapist finally helped Bear come up with a plan. Bear is supposed to talk to the SRO on Monday and tell him a story (the truth! ... but Bear can't admit that), that fits the video evidence*, and see if that will hopefully convince the SRO to put in a good word for Bear that will convince the original deputy to not give Bear a ticket.

*Originally the therapist said Bear should tell the deputy a story that matched our (Hubby's and mine) story. I immediately corrected him and said this was not "our" story this was the school and video evidence. Bear blames me enough for all this as it is. After all it's "my fault" that the police got involved in the first place.

Next post is on consequences. I have no idea what we should give Bear for consequences, but he definitely has to have some. Suggestions?!!

6 comments: said...

Just catching up on my reading, oh my you have had such a week. Hope the weekend has been and is relatively calm

Anonymous said...

I'm confused. What did he actually do wrong?

Reighnie said...

Just read your comment on Brenda's current post. I feel like I am in the same boat as you. I was just mulling over writing a post about what I am feeling. My child is 10 years old and I find myself not even caring anymore or thinking I have 8 more years. I have PTSD too and her behaviors have actually triggered Rheumatoid Arthritis in me. I have tried everything from kindness to just silence. It's like the thought that I breathe is enough for her to spew her hatred. I respect Brenda tremendously. But I think you will agree with me that sometimes there are no ways around it. Sometimes there is nothing WE can do and it seems so wrong that we have to take the abuse. I see the scared child, but at this point, it doesn't change a thing anymore.

Also, I apologize for posting here but I wasn't sure you would go back to the other post.

marythemom said...

Hey Reighnie,

Major hugs!! I'm checking out your blog, and it does sound like we have some things in common. Hang in there!

Hugs and prayers,

RADMomINohio said...

Hi Mary, I'm sorry to hear that you all are going through this whole situation that could have been avoided. Obviously Bear was trying to cover up his decision to goof off with another kid in Shop the rest of the school day and then some. First and foremost he needs to learn that police involvement was TOTALLY his doing. This is a natural consequence to his actions. "Bear, as any good mother would do, I am NOT going to allow someone to hurt you and get away with it! Of course I called the Police. You have been through enough hurt in you life and I'm not going to allow anyone to get away with it. Now if I had known the truth, I wouldn't have called the police. I don't want you to be in trouble with the police. You know that even though you lied to me, that's not breaking the law. But when you lied to them, it was."
It's all his doing and you being the good mom did the right thing and are still on his side.
Did he break any school rules that he could be punished for? Regardless of their own indiscretions. Did he ever name anyone as the attacker? I can't remember.
As for you and Hubby, obviously talking about trusting what he says is a natural consequence that can be talked up. Privileges taken away like when he asks to do go do something "I don't know if you are telling me the truth as that is where you are going.."
Maybe have him do some things for you two as well, for the time taken away from your busy schedules to deal with the police and all that. Stuff you would have done if you didn't have this last minute false emergency. You said you had to push off dinner and celebration because of the police? Maybe he needs to plan and implement and more suitable Anniversary Party for the family?
Also, play up his wounds. I'd say tend to them and check on them often like you are really concerned for them. One, it will show your a caring good mom despite his lies about it to him as well as remind him constantly of his poor decision.

That's my wordy two cents.

Reighnie- I'd love to read your blog based on your profile description. I am taking care of my niece who has RAD PTSD and other things. But I didn't see a link on your profile page. Can you post it?

marythemom said...

Arrgh! I'd written a post to answer Purple's question and then forgot to hit post. Well, it's up now.

J - the weekend was packed (Kitty had a dance recital which we attended as a family - like it or not, and Bob had some studying to do at the school - and accidentally got stuck in with the morning detention crew. Hubby and I did get some alone time - yea! So it's all good. Thanks!

Purple - see next post.

RADMIO - I'm not sure Bear is capable of understanding consequences. I think he made an impulsive decision (to not go back to class) and then all the rest came out of his attempts to cover it up. Ironically he chose the one thing that would FORCE everyone to get involved. He hasn't actually specifically said, yet, that this is all my fault. He just said he wanted to drop it all, so therefore it is implied that it is my fault for not letting him drop it. As he gains distance from the event, he will remember it the way he chooses to remember it, and all the truth will no longer be enmeshed in his memory. That's when it will truly become my fault.

I'm still not sure what to do about his faulty belief system and the assumptions that go with it.

Thanks for the suggestion about asking him about his injuries. He was just walking out the door as I read it. The injuries are, "Fine," but he wanted me to know that he has bruises on his knees - that have been there since he ran track - over 3 years ago. I told him I wanted to see them sometime (3 year old bruises, wouldn't you?!).