This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Sunday, November 22, 2009

10 Ways to Tell He's Lying

This article is about dating relationships, but it seems very applicable to our life in a lot of ways.

10 Ways to Tell He's Lying
By dating editor Ranya Fattouh for Glamour

We're all guilty of a little white lie here and there, but when it comes to major dishonesty, there are a few telltale signs every woman should look for. Here are 10 tip-offs that he may be hiding something from you.

1. Your gut tells you something is wrong.
If you feel like something is off, it probably is. "It may not be exactly what your imagination is suggesting, but we don't experience knots for no reason," says Brenda Della Casa, author of "Cinderella Was a Liar: The Real Reason You Can't Find (or Keep) a Prince." Most women know they're being lied to long before they actually admit it, but they don't immediately act on their intuition. "Women tolerate a lot of excuses," says comedian Steve Harvey, author of "Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man." "A guy that always has an excuse or lie as to why it didn't happen, why it couldn't happen, why it won't happen, is no good."

2. The details don't add up.
"Generally, liars mess up and change a detail in their story," says Ian Kerner, Ph.D., a New York City-based clinical sexologist. Ask yourself: "Does this really make sense?" says Robert Feldman, author of "The Liar in Your Life: The Way to Truthful Relationships." "Look beyond what he's saying and try to be an objective observer of his behavior."

3. He suffers from TMI (or TLI -- that's Too Little Information!).
Guys who lie tend to give too much information or keep very quiet -- be cautious of both. "You know your guy and you know when he's not acting like himself. If your guy is chatty and suddenly he's not, something's up. If your guy is very quiet and suddenly he's giving you too many details, something's up," says Jenny Lee, coauthor of "Women Are Crazy, Men Are Stupid."

4. He refuses to get personal.
Most people who are comfortable in a relationship are open to sharing details of their lives. If a guy is unusually distant and keeps almost everything about himself secret, he's probably holding something back. "Don't be fooled by a guy who says 'that's too deep; I don't want to discuss that.' Good guys will appreciate the depth of your questions; liars will run from them," says Harvey.

5. He starts covering his tracks.
If your guy is constantly deleting his browser history or shutting down his email, or if there are numerous occasions where it's impossible to reach him, you might want to get out of there -- fast. "If you're with a guy who carries two cell phones, but one of them never rings, or if he only pays in cash or immediately heads for the shower when he gets home, those are all major red flags," says Nancy Dreyfus, author of "Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love: Relationship Repair in a Flash."

6. He's super defensive.
"If you find that he pauses a lot when responding to your questions, becomes overly fidgety and defensive, or can't look you in the eye, be suspicious that he might not be telling you the truth," says Kerner.

7. He repeats his story.
"Men tend to say the truth just once," says Howard J. Morris, coauthor of "Women Are Crazy, Men Are Stupid." "It's the truth, after all. It doesn't need to be repeated three times."

8. He constantly blames you.
Although it's natural for a guy to be a little testy when interrogated, if you notice that he's always shifting the blame so that you look like the guilty party, question his motives. "If every concern you have gets twisted around and thrown back at you, he's pulling a classic guilty-man move. Keeping you on the defensive keeps him out of trouble," says Della Casa.

9. He has an answer for everything.
Watch out for excuses that are very buttoned up, a little too perfect, and rehearsed. "If you find yourself making sense of something that doesn't make sense or making exceptions, stop yourself," says Dreyfus.

10. He makes the lies seem like no big deal.
Liars have an advantage because what they say is what we want to hear, and they know it. Even if he's feeding you little lies that make you feel good about yourself, remember that they are lies. "It's hard to constantly be thinking, Is this the truth, is this not the truth? Even if it seems innocent enough, someone who lies about little things is going to lie about big things," says Feldman. "If you do stay in the relationship, rebuild trust slowly and be clear that if he lies again, it's over."

1 comment:

Adelaide Dupont said...

Lovefraud is a good site as well.

1 is a big point.

I hope your gut has been telling you big things!

And it's true that people don't repeat their stories.

BUT survivors have to tell their stories over and over again. Or rather, we have to listen over and over again.

Too little/too much information is pretty important.