Stealing - does it ever end?

Recently I got some Valentine candy in the after holiday sales. The candy had a stuffed animal attached that Bob wanted to give to a friend (she paid me for it). The friend was allergic to chocolate so I got the candy. This was after all the kids had gone to bed (where Bob was supposed to be) and after removing the toy, Bob left the box of chocolates with the torn cellophane on the kitchen counter.

After the kids had left for school the next morning, I realized I'd accidentally left the candy on the counter (I hide all sweets and baked goods for reasons that are about to become apparant). Of course 1/2 the candy was gone. I did ask the other kids (who rarely steal and would tell me if they did), and all of them denied touching the candy. Bear admitted to taking one piece.

For the last few weeks I've been attending NAMI meetings 2-3 times a week so haven't been home much. One night Hubby made tacos, but I'd had a few too many snacks at the meeting so I put my tacos in a plastic bag to have for lunch the next day. Nobody took my tacos.

I admit I complained in family therapy (which Hubby and I attend with Bear), but just a general whining about my chocolate and tacos being missing, not an actual accusation.

This morning Grandma called. Most of the kids had spent Saturday night as usual at her house. Grandma has a cabinet in her kitchen she calls the "Kids' Cabinet." It always has snack food in it (like Ritz Crackers, saltines, hot cocoa, applesauce, Koolaid...). We have one too, but ours has more whole grain "healthier" foods (popcorn for the air popper, honey nut generic cheerios, generic frosted mini wheats...).

Grandma had discovered that Bear had opened a brand new box of Cheerios instead of using the already open one in the Kids' Cabinet... which was annoying, but she could overlook. What upset her was that Bear had gotten into Poppy's Girl Scout cookies, eaten the entire box, carefully put it back together so it looked like it hadn't been touched, and put it back where he'd found it.

Today Bear missed the school bus home again. I asked Hubby to pick him up. When Hubby confronted Bear about the cookies, Bear admitted to eating a few (which wasn't OK since he hadn't asked permission), but denied eating the whole box.

Needless to say, I don't believe him.

I know why he lies and steals. I get it. I really do. But at the same time, if he feels there are no consequences then what's to stop him from escalating?

Today it's food, cell phones and MP3 players. Tomorrow? Now that he's 17, even that can get him in serious trouble. Plus he cannot seem to grasp that if we can't trust him then he'll never get the privileges he wants (driving, going places alone, independence...). Without checking with me first, Hubby took Bear for his first driving lesson last night. He said Bear is not going to be ready to drive for a long, long time.

Possible Consequences:

• LEVELS - like they have in residential treatment centers. Very concrete which works well for Bear, but really requires a major step up on supervision on our parts. Probably need alarms and to go back to locking the pantry. Plus it'd be very difficult to do at Grandma and Poppy's house and Hubby and I are barely even ships passing in the night as it is, we really need the respite.


• Letter of apology


• Pay back $6 (Girl Scout cookies are $3/box and stolen/broken items are reimbursed at double). The grandparents said they only have one chore that Bear is competent to do at their house - digging garden beds - but Bear already does this for "fun." I took the money for my chocolate that he ate out of his allowance, but he still owes over $80 for past stuff so allowance doesn't mean much to him. So it really needs to be extra chores.


• His Promise not to do it again.


• Online shoplifting class I found: http://shoplifting.net/eclass.htm - it's $55 and meets legal requirements so this won't be happening.


• Writing assignment about why he steals. (“I deserve X and am not getting it, so I steal to help fill that hole.” "I'm a bad person so I might as well steal." I used to need to steal to get what I needed, but now I have what I need, so I steal because ___________.)

While I'm at it, he also needs a consequence for "missing" the afterschool bus, which he does on a pretty regular basis which means someone has to go pick him up and he gets unsupervised time at school until they get there (which can be up to 45 minutes to an hour depending on how long it takes him to call me to tell me he missed the bus in the first place and what I'm doing.

To paraphrase the NAMI "Problem Solving Process" we're studying right now, it says you should:

1. Define the problem as specifically as possible and make sure you're only trying to solve one problem at a time (and it should be the one with the highest priority - starting with danger to self or others).


2. List all the things you've tried in the past. Cross out all the ones that didn't work (cause it makes no sense to keep doing something that doesn't work).


3. Enlist others if possible and brainstorm at least 7 more options (bringing the total up to at least 12 options).


4. Pick the choice you want to try first.


5. Pick a backup plan.
   

Stolen trust

Bear was listening to an MP3 on Saturday. 1st time in awhile that I'd seen him listening to one. I told him I thought his MP3 had been lost or stolen. He said...yes... but that was the MP3 he'd gotten for his birthday. This was the one he got for Christmas, that had a messed up screen, but he could still use it.

Whoot! Whoot! Mom radar starts blaring!

"Bear, I want to see the MP3 player."

"Why?"

"I want to see it."

"It's in my pocket and I can't get to it when I'm sitting down."

"I want to see it."

"Why?"

"Because you are making me suspicious."

"It's in the pocket of my shorts underneath my jeans." (Bear wears undies - hopefully - and a pair of gym shorts under the jean shorts he wears every single day. When comments are made that he wears the same shorts every day, he claims to have no other shorts, and it doesn't matter because they don't touch his body. I've learned to ignore it. Oh and I know there are no pockets in his gym shorts.)

"I still want to see it."

" " (long pause while he tries to think of a way out of this. Then he starts talking about something else. We get to the store we were heading to. He sits in the car rubbing his knee as though it hurts. I can smell the gears in his head burning as he tries to think).

"Bear, I want to see the MP3 player."

"Why?"

"I want to see it."

"It's in my shorts under my jeans. It's hard to get to."

"I want to see it."

Bear puts his hand in his jean pocket (So much for it being in difficult to get to or in his nonexistant inside short pocket) and pulls out the MP3.

"I traded MP3s with my friend Charles." (yea, that makes sense. Charles traded a very nice MP3 for your cheap one with the damaged screen).

"Hand it over."

"Why?"

"Because you know you're not allowed to do that."

"You can talk to Charles!"

"No, I don't want to talk to Charles (because I know he'll lie for you). Give me the MP3."

Bear hands it over and sulks into the store. As we're getting ready to leave the store, he asks if he can borrow my cell phone and I refused. (assuming he wanted to get his story straight with Charles). We head home and the minute we get home he goes straight to the phone. I stand within hearing distance (the phone is in the kitchen and I legitimately needed to make dinner). The person he called couldn't talk.

Bear hung up and went straight to the computer. I walked by and said, "Say 'Hi' to Charles for me." Bear gave me an excellent confused look. "Don't think I don't know you IM on that computer."

Bear blustered something about Charles not using the computer and I walked away. Bear then mentioned that he talks to Charles' girlfriend. Bingo. Don't know why he volunteers that kind of info. Did you notice that he didn't deny using IM (which he's not supposed to use because he's used it inappropriately)? Then we had to leave to go to Grandma's .

Bear disappeared into the bathroom (typical M.O. for him, he can be in a bathroom for up to 45 minutes - usually when we're going somewhere). I walk past and hear loud banging noises. I ask him what's going on?! He pauses for a minute and then claims he's cleaning the ceiling vent?!!

When he comes back downstairs about 5 minutes later he shows me the dust all over him from cleaning the vent. Whatever Bear. Not buying it. I didn't say anything.

At this point I debated searching him, his room and bathroom, and his stuff. I decided I just didn't want to. Hubby did search the bathroom later, but didn't find anything.

So now it's discipline time. Bear asked to have his new potential girlfriend over, can't remember her name, lets just call her Kleenex. I told him no. He had no idea why. I said because of the MP3. He said, "I didn't steal it!"

"Whether you did or not, you still lied."

"I didn't lie!"

I went on to list all the lies about being unable to give me the MP3, he denied the whole coversation happened that way. *sigh*

So anyway, what to do next.

1. Turn the MP3 over to the school? (Knowing they'll do as much about it as they have about everything else he's stolen, but it's not like we're giving it back to him and they need to know he's still stealing).
2. See if we can figure out if there is some name or something on it (discovered the true owner this way once).
3. Make him copy bible verses or section from a book about honesty (this is good for his handwriting and spelling too).
4. Ground him (for how long?)
5. Something else?

Bear feels entitled to an iPod, iTouch, iPhone, computer, new clothes, sex, sweets.... Since we are depriving him of these essential items, he feels he has a right to take them. Lies and theft are totally justified.

I'm not sure it's worth fighting anymore. We can't "catch him" enough for him to feel we're on top of things. There's no punishment that would stop/keep him from lying and stealing. We can't give him enough stuff and privileges to make him feel he isn't deprived. I can't imagine what he could do to convince me that he's earning my trust.

What's "lost" is found

The PS2 controllers showed up a few days ago. Hidden behind the game room TV... broken. So the good news is they weren't sold. The bad news is that nobody admitted to taking and breaking them. The really good news is that since they're broken, the new ones I got Ponito for Christmas are still a good present. Yea!

The other good news is that Bear didn't sell them or trade them, although we still assume he broke them. We can only hope he didn't do it maliciously.

Must stink to always be the one accused. Then again, it stinks for the accuser to almost always be right.

Stealing and dealing?

If you remember the stolen cell phone that I mentioned here, We had left it up to the school to do the detective work and consequences because we I get tired of being the bad guy.

So far no one has claimed the cell phone (although Bear did tell me someone had claimed it - presumably to end this). Beyond confirming that it hadn't actually been claimed, I haven't been able to get much out of the school.

They investigated how many Michaels there were at the school (8), but they didn't bother to tell Bear he had to find out the kid's last name or anything very proactive. Bear told us that the kid didn't want the phone back and that's why he hadn't claimed it. He said Michael's mom made Michael carry it and he didn't want it. Can you say "bull puckey?"

The last day of school is Friday, so I was pushing really hard to get this resolved. I finally got an e-mail from the Assistant Principal on Wednesday.

As for the phone, I've got a call in to Deputy A_____ {officer on duty at the school} to see if the phone matches any reported missing/stolen. At present, the information we have has not been enough to track down the owner. But without it being reported stolen, it is difficult to consequence him for stealing. There needs to be a victim for there to have been a crime, so I'm working to see if we can identify a victim.

Unless I find one though, I'm not in a position to consequence him; the consequence for a stolen cell phone is a placement at the Opportunity Center {like in school suspension, but on a closed campus with other kids who have broken a major school rule - like fighting, bringing drugs to school, bringing weapons to school... you know, all the kids I want Bear hanging out with}, so it is a big step and one that deserves more facts and
careful consideration.

If I find out more, I'll pass it along. I hope to connect with Officer A______ soon, but I don't know if he'll have anything to share or not.

I'm still furious that they did not pursue this - such as telling Bear that he HAD to tell the school the boy's last name or charging the phone. I responded with:

Since the cell phone is a “victim-less” crime, and therefore the school cannot go forward with any consequences, we would like to pick the phone up to get it charged and see if we can track down the owner ourselves. Please let me know when this would be possible.

This morning we came upon Bear when he wasn’t expecting us to be home (we had to leave him home alone for the first time in quite awhile, but came back to grab the camera for Ponito's award ceremony). We noticed Bear had a pair of handcuffs on the counter. Since we had allowed him to hang out with a friend of the family who has shown poor judgment in giving Bear things (the boy who gave Bear the pop gun to fix that Bear took to school to trade for drugs a couple of Summers ago), we checked with the boy. The boy had loaned them to Bear. I sent Bear with Grandma to return the handcuffs.

This meant that Bear was not able to take his usually permanently attached backpack with him so I had an opportunity to search it and his room (Bear no longer hides things in his room because he knows I search, but cannot stand to throw anything away which explains some of the things I find).

I found:
1. Two sample bottles of ADHD meds (the equivalent of speed) that he must have taken from our bathroom. Each bottle had a week's worth of meds. Luckily all the pills were still there, although some were in a small bag in another pocket. This is the med we had stopped, because it had caused Bear to have an adverse reaction a few weeks ago {jittery and manic}. One bottle was wrapped in his hat in his backpack, the other in his inside jacket pocket with the bag of pills.

2. Also in the small bag – 2 tabs of Melatonin which is an over the counter sleep aide and 150mg of Lamictal which is a black box mood stabilizer - there is a possibility that Bear thought the Lamictal was Melatonin and that’s why he hadn’t taken it. He has had issues with refusing to take the Melatonin in the past, and keeping them somewhere in his room.

3. Hair in his trash can. Bear told us that someone in ROTC (I don’t remember if it was the Sergeant or the SRO) told him if he didn’t have his hair cut by uniform check that Thursday that they would buzz it. He claimed they had. I spoke to someone in the ROTC, and they said they had not cut it. If you haven’t seen Bear recently he was shaved completely bald last Thursday. Obviously Bear cut it himself and lied about it.

4. Also in his backpack I found an industrial box cutter, the kind you can extend the blade from with a push of a button. We assume it was a weapon, as he has had issues with this in the past.

5. Miscellaneous contraband (not illegal, just not allowed in our house or in his room).

6. When we searched Bear, we discovered an iPod Shuffle 2G – green. Definitely not his. We assume it was stolen at school.

7. He did have time to hide almost anything once he knew I was looking (after the initial search). So he could have had something on his person or I missed something.

Obviously we need to know if anyone at school has reported the loss of an iPod Shuffle.

Bear is now under line of sight supervision, but we are not sure what consequences to give. As always, advice/suggestions are appreciated.

Hubby came home early from work and confronted Bear (who was holing up in his room to pout and avoid the community service I had arranged with a neighbor). Hubby ordered Bear to strip (down to underwear) to look for contraband, and had a long conversation with him.

 Bear claimed the box cutter was to protect himself from a kid at school. He claimed he took the ADHD meds to school because he'd been having trouble sleeping and wanted some extra energy for exams, but decided not to take it because the drug presentations he was working on in school were "getting through to him" and he didn't want to do anything like that anymore.

He then confessed to using and dealing drugs over 2 years ago before he entered the RTC. It is pretty typical for him to confess to things that happened so long ago that he can't be given consequences now. I think he hopes it will distract people from what is going on currently and even give him "brownie points" for being "truthful."

He claims he took the bottles the morning before when I was downstairs. I'm a bit of a packrat and tend to hang onto meds in case we alter doses in the future, run out, or one of the other kids is prescribed them later. The box the bottles came in didn't fit in the lock box (which wasn't locked anyway and was full - the kids take a lot of meds!). The box is in my bathroom, which can only be accessed through my bedroom, which our Bear is NEVER allowed to go in (because he's stolen things from our room before).

Luckily, today was the last day of school, only a half day, and Bear had finals to take, so apparently he wasn't able to sell or trade them. The pills were all still there. I don't think he got into anything else in my room.*sigh* One more thing to lock up.

I'm an idiot.




UPDATE:
I don't know if I ever wrote a follow-up post about this, but the school eventually returned the cell phone to "Michael." I asked them if they'd confirmed any of the other info Bear had given them (the boy had a sister playing on JV, his mom made him carry the phone, he'd left it in Bear's coat pocket vs Bear having stolen/ borrowed it...). The AP just stared at me, and admitted it had never occurred to him. *sigh* I guess it doesn't really make a difference in the long run.

A post about how we later handled
Lying and Stealing 

Forging ahead

We finally decided on consequences for Bear's drinking of Hubby's alcohol. He owes double the cost of the bottle, which was $45 so he owes us $90. We don't have any projects around the house so we've decided to loan him out to family and friends. Kind of like doing community service. I'm thinking $3/hr for manual labor is fair - so 30 hours. Of course the weather was uncooperative this weekend so he'll have to get started tomorrow. Hubby won't be home so I'm going to be the one enforcing this. *sigh* Wish me luck!

It bothers me that Bear has received very few consequences for what really was a pretty major event. Plus, we're all having to deal with some of his consequences. We've locked the pantry (to stop the midnight munching) and the laundry room which leads to the garage (to give us a place to lock up more food and keep him from sneaking out and hiding stuff). This means anytime we need food, to do laundry, to throw out trash, to get bikes or put them away... the kids have to find me. Hubby put his key on the car key chain so when I have the car...

--------------------------------------------------------------

This morning Bear brought me his weekly point sheet to be signed. This is for his special school. The one he won't be going to after this semester because he's "doing so well." He used to have to have these signed daily, but now he's a "Merit" student. Which means he's doing so well he gets extra privileges (of which the school has mentioned that sometimes he takes advantage - I know!! Color me shocked! *sarcastic emoticon*).

I quickly skimmed the teacher's notes on the point sheet. All positive - as usual. Then I notice some scribbles near where I usually sign my name. Kind of looks like when someone was writing the pen ran out of ink so they did that swirly scribble we all do to get the pen to start writing again. But what was being written was the beginning of MY signature!! Instantly suspicious, I pointed this out to Bear and asked why it looked like he'd started to sign my name. He of course denied it and claimed his pen had been running out of ink so he'd scribbled on the "nearest piece of paper" and proceeded to tell me he'd done it in several places on the card (when I looked at it later he hadn't).

I stopped talking. Why argue with him? He was escalating and obviously ready to try to intimidate convince me that he was right.

Hubby and I went to the school and informed them that we felt that Bear had tried to forge my signature. They got the card and Bear had rubbed off the part with the recognizeable beginning of my signature. (I'm so glad I'm a believeable adult). We were concerned that this was not the first time he'd forged my signature, especially since neither of us could remember having signed his cards in awhile. so we asked to look at earlier point cards... they weren't there.

The principal asked Bear where they were (they're supposed to have been turned in weekly and kept in a folder in one of the teacher's classrooms - this is the teacher that has been saying since the beginning that he doesn't know why Bear is at the special school to begin with, and never kept this from Bear). Bear said they were in his locker at his home campus.

They were ready for us to leave, when I pointed out that missing cards aside, we hadn't talked about any consequences for the forged card. As a Merit student Bear earns points that he can trade for stuff (this tends to be candy). He spends his points as soon as he has enough to trade for pretty much anything so he didn't have a lot, but his points were wiped and he will not be able to earn any more for the rest of the semester (he won't be at this school next semester).

So Hubby and I went to the home campus and searched - no cards. Called Bear... "Oh, maybe they're at home..."

For once the issue was finally about something school related! The school actually had to care. It was kind of a refreshing change. Hubby wanted to let things go a couple of times (like wait to confront Bear on the cards not being there until he got home), but I pushed to make sure that we took this as far as we could, because Bear will be under less scrutiny at his home school so I want to take advantage of the fact that this was something they would pay attention to (stealing and drinking are not their concern unless it is done on school campus).

I did go and search Bear's room (of course) and found the cards. Unsigned. Nothing negative on any of them. I didn't find any "practice" signatures either. Maybe this actually was his first attempt.

We question why he did this. There was nothing on the card that he wouldn't want us to see. Obviously he hadn't turned in cards in months so he most likely wasn't concerned he would get in trouble for not getting it turned in (I thought he might have done it at some point when I wasn't available). Maybe he was thinking he'd sign all the ones in his room so he could turn them in before the semester ended and just started with this one. The only thing I know for sure is that he won't tell me the truth.

And of course the big question -

What to do about this.

Hubby wants to start using the law as a guide. What would have happened if he'd been caught forging a signature on a document by the police? Sometimes that has helped us (fines, community service, house arrest...), but in this case the police wouldn't seem to care unless there is fraud, and then it depends on the monetary amount as to whether or not it's a felony.

Then there's the fact that Bear was already in trouble when he did this. When we were still using the FAIR Club, this meant he would go on Restriction. Maybe we'll still do this.

I'm sooo tired of this.

Consequences for Bear

Struggling to Stand has left a new comment on your post, "Stealing":

I too, feel for you. Would it help to know that bio kids can be that bad?

Oh believe me I know, but thanks.

I think that before worrying about consequences of this instance, you should
find out if there has been more alcohol usage. Being a spy, again, checking the
garbage cans. Although the meds he is on may make the signs of alcohol use more
dramatic?

Oh you know how much I love being a spy. *sigh* The only alcohol left in the house is one wine cooler which I hid in the garage (will be drinking that this weekend believe me!), one bottle of unopened champagne and one unopened bottle of red wine (we only drink white) both from who knows how long ago, both sealed, and both in the locked pantry. So if he is still drinking, he is getting it from friends, not us.

I wonder. Does he just play at thinking anything unlocked is his, or does
he really not get the difference? I bet there are social skill games that help
to teach a "kid" the rules for what is personal and what is public. Maybe as a
punishment you make him play these games. If he already knows, it is a
punishment, but if he doesn't already know it helps him learn...

I have no idea what he really "gets," and what he deliberately does. I'm also not sure what he is capable of learning. I'm assuming that he "gets" stealing, because as far as I know he is not stealing from school; however, his sense of entitlement and impulsivity is a different story. Even at school if he can manipulate others into giving him candy or priviliges he will. His special school has commented a couple of times that because he has earned their highest level - "Merit" student, he gets many privileges. They have found him "taking a mile" with these privileges.

He has often used ignorance of a rule as an excuse at school too. For example, he showed up with lunch (before we were on the free lunch program) and snack/soda money. We do not give him money, and the school knows it. They usually warn us when he turns up with extra cash. At one point we discovered that he had quite a little enterprise going. He had talked me into letting him buy Gatorade powder mix and was mixing it up and putting it in water bottles. He's always drunk a lot of liquids so this slid under our radar. He was selling these, and the homemade goodies he was taking from home, to his buddies at school for extra cash. Many of the kids at school are special ed so the school stopped this. He did not get in trouble because he "didn't know any better." Of course his home campus has no such policy so I'm sure this has/will start up again. It's hard for us to catch the selling of the treats because he could be eating them.

Food is an especially sensitive subject. I know kids of trauma have issues with food and hoarding. I've always tried to be super understanding about this. Kitty's meltdowns especially are usually 10 times worse if food is involved. I know that food is a major control issue too, and as a teen whose life was out of control, I have had problems with anorexia myself. I know Bear feels a strong sense of entitlement about many things, but food is at the top of the list.

After reading this comment I searched his room and bathroom again. Not only has he been lying about doing his chores (like cleaning - don't ask how I know!) for several weeks (I know because the moldy tupperware and empty ice cream container I found last time are still in a bag on his floor), but he had an empty bag of caramels on the floor beside his bed. I can only assume that someone forgot to lock the pantry (probably me).

So where do I go from here? Locking everything up is beyond a pain. Our youngest keeps his bike in the garage so every morning someone has to give him the key to get it (he's up before me and Hubby is usually still in the shower when Ponito is ready to go), and then we have to make sure he remembers to lock it all back up (which he occasionally forgets). Bear often gets up before everyone else or after Ponito leaves, eats and who knows what else, and goes back to bed. I want to just alarm Bear's door, but Hubby is still resistant to this.

I hate that the kids live like prisoners in their own home. I can't keep the doors unlocked when Bear is not home because he immediately goes into the unlocked rooms, before I realize he's home and they aren't locked. The lock that keeps Bear out of the garage, also keeps everyone out of the laundry room, which is a pain, and the humidity in there from running the machines with the door shut is beginning to damage the room and everything in it.

As for the alcohol, an idea I have that probably isn't good, but may spawn
better ideas, is to have your husband offer Bear a drink on Thanksgiving or
Chirstmas, but the drink be 90% water, which Bear would discover upon
drinking. Tit-for-tat. "Well, I thought since you put all that water in my
alcohol, that is the way you like it!" or "It isn't nice to sit down to a
good drink and find it is mostly water, is it?"

We talked about this as an option. Beyond the fact that we don't feel comfortable even implying that it is OK for teens to drink alcohol, I'm pretty sure that Bear would bluff his way through it and in his mind this would be yet another example of what horrible parents we are. Hubby even thought about letting him drink all he wants until he gets sick, but of course there are major health, moral and legal issues with this... and we don't think it would be effective either.

I have thought about doing something similar though. Maybe giving him treats, only to find they are half eaten, or letting everyone else have a slurpee and giving him water - with just a bit of what they're getting. Again, I don't think he would make the connection - he would just see it as yet another example of how mean we are and how much we hate him.

Would it be wrong to put laxatives or something similar in a bag of candy in the pantry and "forget" to lock it? Technically it's a logical consequence for stealing and replacing the item with something else.

Passive Aggressive

I have found that Bear is making me very passive aggressive and I hate that feeling.

I've never liked confrontation, and Bear makes confrontation (when Hubby is not present) particularly odious. So I'm finding myself avoiding him more and more, doing detective work to avoid asking him about things (and maybe to deliberately get him in trouble - although it is him who is actually doing the lying and stealing) , complaining about him here and to adult family members, and sniping at him (for example a TV character was commenting on how being called Ma'am made her feel old, and I "subtly" told Hubby, "See, I'm not the only one who feels that way!" Bear resentfully muttered, "I get it Mom." I told him I was talking to Dad not him. Is that a "teachable moment" or a jab? I don't know. He hadn't done it again since I'd asked him not to last time.).

It seems like he is always mad at me, because I am always getting him in trouble and keeping him from doing what he wants to do. He doesn't seem to make the connection that it is him actually doing the stuff for which he is having to deal with the consequences - not me making up punishments just to torture him. He doesn't like that I hold him accountable and don't start with a blank slate (he calls it holding a grudge). I don't like that I seem to be the only one doing so. Don't get me wrong, Hubby always backs me up, and I'm the "expert" in the family so it's kind of natural that the discipline decisions fall on me, but it gets really old to always be the bad guy/ judge and jury (although I appreciate not always having to be the executioner).

I don't like being around Bear and it is showing more and more. I used to be able to keep it from him, but I'm not feeling like being subtle any more. Of course he's not home much so maybe it's not as noticeable... oh, who am I kidding.

Wish I had time to finish these Medicaid applications. It's probably time to amp up my meds again. Kitty is very linked to my moods too so when I'm irritated and/or depressed she is too. She's had several minor meltdowns this last week that under normal circumstances I would have been able to avoid.

Labeling, stealing and money

LABELING

Someone asked me if it was really necessary for Bear to "buy into" his labels and understand them. I think the last post highlights that yes, he must understand. If Bear thinks he's "normal," then he has no motivation to do anything to deal with his issues. In fact all of his energy is devoted to getting away from the mean people who think he's not normal and that he should be doing stuff he doesn't want to do. (By the way, the "mean people" is mostly me in case you hadn't guessed).


Everyone around him (school, friends, girlfriends...), is telling him he's fine. The special program he’s in for emotionally disturbed kids sees that he is no longer physically aggressive, and do not consider him severe enough to need to be there anymore. None of these people have a relationship with him. There is no give and take, and they really know nothing about him. He can and does function in public, and that is a huge step forward. However, he will eventually have to have relationships with people that lasts longer than 6 months. How does that saying go?

You can fool some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time, but you can not fool all of the people all of the time.
Abraham Lincoln, (attributed)16th president of US (1809 - 1865)

It is easy for Bear to fool people who are not around him much. Truthfully he fools some people who are around him all the time too. Even those who know him well enough to understand that he has serious issues, cannot agree on how best to help him. Unfortunately Hubby and I fall into this last category, and it is not helping our relationship at all.

STEALING

A couple of weeks ago I took away the controllers to the kids' Playstation (PS2). I forget why. They were probably breaking a rule - like not getting off when they were supposed to get off. It was easier to just take the controllers away than to unhook the whole unit, or trust the kids to stay off of it. I put the controllers on a top shelf in a hall closet. Not hidden. Just put away.



Ponito is the one who loves the PS2, and had finally talked me into letting him have the controllers back. The controllers weren't there. We searched the garage and the common areas of the house, but couldn't find them.



Bear steals. Not counting food the thing he takes most frequently is electronic items, mostly from the family. Headphones and batteries are the most frequently taken items, but he's been caught with cell phones, DVD players, MP3 players, battery chargers, stereos.... By the time I find these items in his room they are usually broken.



Today while searching Bear's room, I found lots of food and dishes and one contraband CD, but no controllers; however, he's stopped hiding stuff in his room because he knows I search it. I asked Hubby to matter of factly ask Bear to return the controllers when Hubby picked Bear up from JROTC PT after school. I don't know what happened, but I do know that they came home 1 1/2 hours late because they were talking. Obviously Bear denied any knowledge of the missing controllers.


The other kids aren't perfect and I know that, but generally I know them well enough to know that this particular theft is not something they would do. Bob has no motivation. Ponito wanted the controllers, but unless he's gone to acting school recently he didn't know where they were. Plus, now he can't play with them. So again, no motivation.


Kitty is the one Hubby and I don't agree on. I believe Kitty is very honest. If she doesn't want to do something you'll know - she'll melt down. Sometimes we wonder if her obliviousness is passive aggressive, but that's not the same as stealing. Hubby thinks that this might be her way of getting back at Ponito whom she sometimes hates, but I don't see that. She yells, she threatens, she has hurt others physically, and with spreading rumors, but honestly I don't think that this is the way her brain works.


Kitty's been in our home almost 3 years and in that time she's only taken one thing that remotely seems like this - some confiscated Bratz dolls, but those were for her, not to hurt someone else, and she and Bob probably egged each other on. She does not play PS2. She would have had to take and hide or trash the controllers deliberately to hurt Ponito and no one else (she never does anything that would get her in trouble with Bob and Bear because she is afraid of them). This would be a pretty intentional act, and I just don't see her thinking of it and carrying it out.


So to me this means Bear did it. No, we didn't catch him this time, but we've caught him in the past. No it would not hold up in a court of law, but we are parents not judges, and if Bear keeps getting away with the stealing I believe it will make him worse.

He had plenty of motivation: He’s mad at Ponito for “ratting him out” a couple of times over the last couple of weeks. He’s mad at me for taking the game controllers (I didn’t say it was a good reason). He thinks the PS2 is his because it came with him, even though he sold it to the family because he didn’t play with it anymore and he wanted the money to help pay for his pet snake. Since the controllers are not in his room, my guess is that he sold them or gave them to a friend – giving him cash or “credit.” He often sells things to make money.


Hubby has never been able to punish/ discipline without proof though so I guess nothing will happen. This is hard on our relationship. We'll agree to disagree, but I still think this is wrong.

I think we should have Bear do extra chores to earn the money to replace the controllers (double the cost).
I think his MP3 (one of the few things he still owns and has not broken) should be taken as collateral until the money is paid back.
At the very least I think I think we need to seriously consider putting an alarm on his door.
We’ve talked about locking the pantry and the garage (a common hiding spot for him, and we have a fridge and freezer there in which we could keep food we don’t want eaten). This would be difficult, but not as directly accusatory.
We rarely leave Bear home alone even for a few minutes as it is, but definitely stop this practice completely.
Bear hates going to Grandma’s house on Saturday nights. We love our date nights. Items are missing from Grandma’s house. We should probably not send him to Grandma’s anymore, but I hate that this is a reward for him and a punishment for us.

ALLOWANCE

It's not ideal, but due to financial issues we have not been able to give the kids their allowance for almost a year. They are still earning their allowance though, and I'm keeping track of it. I know for Bear and Kitty that their lack of ability to fully comprehend the future and long term consequences means that this is pretty useless concept, but I can't do it for some and not all.


They do not earn an allowance if they are in the FAIR Club. They earn about $5 a week if they do all their chores, with an extra $1 for good attitude. Because Kitty is doing half chores she gets $2.50 instead of $5. Needless to say she has almost nothing compared to her siblings. If they don't mark the chore chart they don't get paid, even if they did their chores. Gotta admit, lazy chore checkers save me a ton of money! *grin* They'll figure it out one of these days.


When the kids want spending money or have to pay off a debt, we've been making them earn the cash by doing extra chores. NO ONE can access their allowance. It's like it's in savings.


One last option for a consequence for Bear is to deduct the money from his allowance. In his mind this would not be a very severe consequence because it is not "real" money. There are 3 missing controllers. I think I paid about $15 apiece. Since the consequence is double that would be about $90. I know he has over $250 in his "account."

PAST DUE

Did I mention that Bear still owes me $60? When he dropped football and switched to JROTC, he needed to pay $100 for his uniform and stuff. Since we'd already paid for all his football stuff we figured it was only fair that he pay the extra $100. He thought he could just do some yard work and pay it back quickly, but he lost all his clients. Hubby had confiscated $40 from Bear's last job and was going to put it in a savings account in a bank for Bear. This went toward the JROTC stuff instead.


I altered a bridal dress for a friend and got paid in cash. I loaned Bear the remaining $60 at the beginning of the school year. He's made no effort to pay me back. We talked about it once when he wanted to borrow money to take his current girlfriend to homecoming. He was not happy when I told him he had to pay me back first.

I'm sure he's hoping that I will just forget this money was ever owed. I'm sure he's forgotten it.

Just when you thought it was safe...

*Oops! Found this post from last week!*

We "laid off" Bear's therapist yesterday. He started doing the EMDR therapy (insurance hates paying two therapists), and is doing sooooo well that we decided he didn't needed to see two therapists anymore.



Bear and I went to Bear's last visit and told the therapist how well Bear is doing - even I, who have major trust issues, haven't found anything major to be concerned about. He's making all As, the special school he is attending thinks he's ready to start transitioning back to regular high school full-time, he's working his lawn care "business," he seems to be handling money OK, he dumped the neighbor girl with major issues, and seems to be handling her well... The therapist gave him some general advice (keep avoiding dating "yahoos," value your family, focus on positive goals...), and I told him I'd keep him posted.



So after the session is over, while the therapist is running my credit card (out of the room), Bear informs me that he wants to get a restraining order for the ex-girlfriend. He says she has been "stalking him" and following him when he's working trying to get him to take her back. He'd told me last week that she'd said she'd dump the girl she's been dating (?!!) and if he doesn't take her back she'll start cutting again. I was very proud of how he'd handled the situation (and guilty because I hadn't talked to her mom yet about this like I told him I would).



Apparently though she'd recently threatened to cut him. He says he offered her a tool from his toolbox and said basically, "go for it, but know that I will hurt you if you do." She declined. Not only was I less than thrilled with his handling of this situation, but he claims this all occurred in front of Ponito. NOT OK.



I told him I wish he'd discussed this during therapy, and we'd talk more later, but to me this didn't change how well I believed he was doing...



So I get a call from Bear's special school to talk about the plans for next year's schooling. The subject of Bear's behavior came up, and the principal stated he was very happy overall, but commented that Bear was starting to take advantage of the privileges that his good behavior afforded him. Things like - he's allowed to drink one soda during the day, but he drinks several. He is allowed to have fast food lunch brought in on occasion (if he pays for it), but is begging for this privilege often. He's also done some manipulation of the staff (asking one for some privilege, and when they say no, asking another).



Nothing major, but just a reminder that he's not perfect.



Last night Kitty got up to use the restroom and came to Hubby to tell him that there was candy on the bathroom counter. Kitty gets very hyper when given candy so it is rare that we have any in the house. Kitty is apparently having issues with constipation again, so Hubby had to go in the bathroom to... well you don't need to know what the poor man had to do, suffice it to say it's a good thing he has a strong stomach and no sense of smell... aaanyway he discovered that there really was candy in there. No one uses that restroom during the day except Bear, and no one but Bear would feel safe leaving their possession out (everyone else knows that their things would be taken, Bear's stuff is rarely touched - not necessarily because he's the one doing the taking, but because everyone is intimidated by him enough to leave his stuff alone).



So this morning I did a room search on Bear's room and found what was left of an entire bag of the candy under the edge of his bed, with empty wrappers everywhere. I had placed an unopened bag of this candy on the desk in my cubby for use as a reward to the kids when Kitty has a meltdown (- makes her crazy by the way, but doesn't seem to have the intended result of making her stop the meltdowns so they don't get candy). The bag was, of course, missing.



Despite MANY reminders and threats of consequences, Bear cannot seem to get out of the bathroom until 5 minutes after the bus is supposed to arrive. (Today I worked out with the school that the bus will stop waiting for him longer than the 3 minutes they are supposed to wait - he's not going to learn to be ready on time if they keep accommodating this, and driving him to the public high school next school year will be really inconvenient.) As usual he didn't have time to make lunch or breakfast, and was headed straight out the door, when Hubby stopped him to ask about the candy.



Bear immediately lied and said it was just a few pieces given to him at school. Hubby asked why he had the bag then. Bear, thinking quickly, said one of the teachers had given him a few pieces and just left them in the bag. Hubby asked point blank if Bear had taken it from my cubby. Bear said no. He also said Ponito had eaten some too.



So I called the school, and talked to the principal who confronted Bear. Bear had had the whole trip on the bus to come up with a better story. He told the principal that one of the teachers had given it to him. The principal brought in the teacher, who denied having given him candy in a long time. Bear claimed he didn't like candy much so he'd "saved" it from way back then, and then he claimed that he'd bought the bag from the store with his lawn money.



**sigh**


When we confronted him about the lying (and stealing) he denied it, Hubby started to reason with him and get him to admit the truth, but I quickly stopped him. This just makes Bear lie more. Bear saw that he wasn't going to be able to argue us into believing him, so he got angry and stormed upstairs (this is actually kind of cool - he didn't run away from the house or get violent). Hubby followed him and calmed him down.
I gave him a FAIR club assignment which he finished at record speed so he could get out sooner. Life was mostly back to normal very quickly, but I'm back to not trusting him.

Lunch Money

Hubby decided to talk to Bear about the lunch money issue. Bear claimed that he’d only borrowed about $10 from a friend and that back when he had money earlier he’d been loaning some of it to his friends so they were just “paying him back.” He claimed a teacher had given him money for a school lunch a couple of weeks ago that he didn’t believe he was supposed to pay back. (According to the school he’s been getting lunches a couple of times a week and many drinks and snacks). He continued to claim that he didn’t take his brother’s money.

I’ve been flat on my back with stomach flu all weekend so didn’t have any input into this. Hubby has major issues with disciplining kids when he’s not 100% sure they did it. So Bear has pretty much gotten away with this. I am obviously not in agreement at all, but by the time I recovered it was already done. I’ve asked the school to let me know if they have any more evidence, but I’m assuming we will never be able to “prove” that Bear lied about this.

I think this kind of thing only makes Bear's illness worse. He will see this as having gotten away with it. Things like losing trust will not register with him. It will only be one more reason to feel persecuted by me when I don't allow him to do something because I don't trust him - "for no reason." I hate stomach flu! Maybe I should still confront him now that I'm better - after all it would be harder to lie to me since I actually talked to the school director, but he'll have had lots of time to come up with yet another story. *sigh*

Amnesty Day

Yesterday I taught my children a new word. Amnesty.

It started with a trip to Wally World with Bear after checking on his removed tattoos (he had them removed on his birthday the day after his adoption day - 7 weeks later they look OK, kind of like a healing burn).

Soon after we entered the store, Bear had to go to the bathroom. So I let him go and stayed in the same general area of the store so he could find me again when he was done. Bear has bathroom issues and can take up to 30 minutes. We have him on stool softeners because many of his meds make him constipated (Sorry about the TMI). When he came back he wanted to go to the electronics department. I wanted to go to the jewelry department right next to it so I let him go on his own. When I came looking for him he was talking to a worker at the cell phone booth. She was telling him all about how the plan allowed parents to adjust how long you could make calls or text. I told him he was not getting a phone, he didn't need one, and it was time to move on. (Soon after we got him we'd given him a cell phone as a present - not knowing any better. He ran up a $450 bill twice in as many months so we took his phone away and I started using it when mine got lost. In June when he was kicked out of Summer school, we also found he had stolen "his" phone back from me.)

A little while later we're in the back of the store and he has to go to the bathroom again. I asked and he said he was having "issues." I said there's a restroom on the back wall, but he said the front restroom was closer and took off (we were 2 aisles away from the back restroom). I waited and waited and he didn't show up. After 20 minutes or so I got suspicious and started to head toward the front of the store. Sure enough, he's walking away from the electronics area, holding his wallet and a brochure. When I confront him, he says he saw his wallet on the ground on his way back from the restroom. Needless to say I don't believe him, but there's not much I can do about it.

A little while later I notice him pulling a small bottle of cologne out of his pocket. I confront him and he says he didn't realize it was in his pocket until just then. I have bought him this type of cologne before so it's possible it is his. I warn him that having things in his pockets like that is asking to be accused of shoplifting. He hits the restroom one more time before we go. I wait near the door and he really is in there for 10 minutes.

Things often go missing around Bear. He "borrows" things and they don't come back, or come back broken (actually Kitty too). Batteries disappear, headphones and sunglasses are his biggest victims - at any one time we have 6 or 7 broken headphones, and 3 or 4 pairs of broken sunglasses in the house. The Granparents were upset because after the kids visited about 3 weeks ago the batteries for the remote control disappeared (all the kids always need batteries for their MP3 players). Last weekend, Poppy loaned Bear a very expensive set of headphones, with the understanding that they wouldn't leave the house. An upset Poppy called us and asked where they were. Bear said he left them on top of the TV. Poppy searched on and around every TV in the house. No headphones. When Bear came to spend the night this weekend, Poppy asked again about the head phones. Bear messed around in his back pack, walked up to one of the TVs, dug around the side of it and came up with the headphones. Poppy knows he looked there.

So I decided that things needed to change. I was tired of the kids walking around with things that didn't belong to them, wearing inappropriate clothing (too tight, too short, sleeveless - many of my kids need to stay out of the sun because their meds make them photosensitive). So I declared an amnesty day.

The children were to take everything out of Grandma's house, and put it in the family room at our house. Then they had to search our house looking for contraband. They needed to bring

1. All money - so I knew who had any and how much.

2. All candy - several of the kids have issues.

3. All food and dishes in the wrong parts of the house.

4. All batteries.

5. All electronics, broken or not. All headphones too.

6. All clothes and shoes that no longer fit or were considered inappropriate.

7. All movies upstairs or in rooms other than the family room.

8. All CDs

The kids were told that they would not get in trouble for anything brought to the Amnesty meeting. I then sorted through the stuff, throwing away the broken stuff. Sorted the clothes, tossing the overly stained and putting in Goodwill piles everything else. Labeled any electronics and CDs as to who they belonged to. We talked a little bit about what was appropriate to wear outside of your bedroom and I reminded them that they had robes and were expected to wear them! I'm tired of seeing bellies and bra straps.

Without an explanation I asked Bear to bring me his backpacks. I emptied them and gave him a see through mesh bag. He complained that it was not big enough. Today I found a clear plastic backpack that I will give him. I also need to remind everyone that there will be no more borrowing.

I will probably do room searches tonight. It is time to tighten up the reins a little. I've been letting things slide and that's not good for the kids. It's not FAIR that one child can break and steal everyone else's things and not be held accountable. Hubby hates being the warden, but I think this is what the children need right now. It's like childproofing your house. We're doing it to keep them safe. That and I'm tired of constantly being the clothing police. They can't wear it if they don't own it!

Mary