This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

I feel like

I let y'all down. I didn't quit.

When I got home and realized I hadn't taken my medication (I'm bipolar and take mood stabilizers), but I was still determined that I was right to quit. I held off telling him for a day so I could calm down. And then...

I got a call from Transportation (school bus people) with all the ways they are going to be watching Bear and making sure he's doing what he's supposed to. They'll wait longer for him, call ROTC if he doesn't show up to see if he's there, call me to let me know if he misses the bus...

The woman was so incredibly nice and made it so easy to be a detective that I couldn't tell her I'd quit.

Then I got a call from Bear's sargeant. He talked to me about a call he'd gotten from the SRO (the ROTC officer?) at another school. A boy with a history of major issues that was about to get kicked out of the ROTC has accused Bear of threatening to fight him over a girl. Bear's sargeant wanted me to warn Bear that if anything happened that Bear would be the one that got into major trouble. In trying to clarifying the details, I ended up telling Sarge about the trouble Bear has been having since school started with the ex-girlfriends who formed the "I hate Bear" club and have been getting boys to fight for their "honor." Sarge knew nothing about this.

I have to admit I'm a little torn. Last time I talked to Sarge I could tell he thought I was an overcontrolling, hypochondriac of a mom with a kid who knew better than to mess up or get kicked out of the ROTC. Now I think he's finally getting the idea that Bear is a very messed up kid who is trying not to get kicked out of the ROTC, but can't necessarily control it.

I feel I'm being forced to continue this role of detective.

I ask Bear about the boy at the other school (in a nonchalant "detective" way). So Bear, what's going on with you and "boy's name"?

Bear says over the Summer the boy threatened to fight Bear because Bear was interested in boy's (ex?)girlfriend. Now Bear is actively pursuing ex-girlfriend. Bear claims boy is one making threats and that if Bear had wanted to fight him the fight would have already happened (and Bear would have won of course - imagine lots of macho posturing here).

So I told Bear that Sarge had called me, and that because the boy had said it first, that if ANYthing happened it would be Bear in trouble, not the boy. I think Bear gets it. He claimed he did.

Bear (having no sense of timing or understanding of other people's feelings) then proceeded to ask me if I would chaperone an ROTC trip at the end of this month. He'd asked to go and we'd told him no, giving him 3 reasons.

1. It costs $100 which we don't have

2. At the moment he was in the FAIR Club and would have to be out and stay out.

3. It spans over 2 nights (Sunday through Tuesday) and he takes major psychotropic medications that no one on the trip would be authorized to administer.

There were a ton more reasons, but we figured that was plenty. As always, to Bear this meant we were saying "Yes." (This is one thing that absolutely drives me batty about Bear. If you do not say NO, with no qualifiers. Then you are saying yes. If you add qualifiers then if he can get around those then you are saying yes... arrgh!).

1. It costs $100 which we don't have. Bear can fix this by paying for his own way! He will miraculously find neighbors who want yard work done to earn the money.
2. At the moment he was in the FAIR Club and would have to be out and stay out. No worries here. Of course Bear will be out of the FAIR Club. He didn't belong there in the first place! (According to him.)3. It spans over 2 nights (Sunday through Tuesday) and he takes major psychotropic medications that no one on the trip would be authorized to administer. Bear decided to solve this problem by getting one of us parents to go. Hubby said No. He then approached me. Said the school needed female chaperones. I didn't say no, just brought up all the problems with the idea. This means he assumed I was going. *sigh*

Today I told him in no uncertain terms, "No."

I'd already decided I had to continue with my "detective" job, but the trip to the therapist confirmed it. We all had homework.

  • Bear's was to write down a time he was Happy.

  • Mine was to ask Bear what was good about his day every day.

  • Hubby's was to affirm Bear twice a day. Hubby wanted to trade me jobs. He said since I was already the detective it would be easier for me to "catch" Bear being good and affirm him. I nixed that quickly.
Here's my reasoning:

  1. Hubby needs to step up and affirm Bear - Bear needs it from him. Hearing it from me doesn't mean as much.

  2. I do enough detective work, I don't want to spend even more time dealing with Bear.

  3. I love Bear, but right now I don't like him enough to praise him (maybe all the more reason for me to do it, but I just don't want to).

So I'm still cranky. I'm trying to back off a little, but guess I can't give up my Detective badge just yet.

Thanks for the poster idea Adelaide!! If I decide to stop being a detective I will definitely use them.

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