This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Tuesday, September 9, 2008


So I got a call from Grandma yesterday afternoon. Kitty was refusing to put a toy in her room away on a shelf. Kitty insisted that no one had a right to tell her where to put her stuff in her room. Once she got on the phone with me the meltdown started. She was mad at Grandma for telling her what to do. She hated Ponito because he cussed at her and told her she couldn't play Playstation even though he wasn't using it because he wasn't done with his chores. She hated Bob, because Bob had stolen her CD and was lying about it being Kitty's - again. She hated me because I always took Grandma's side and I "NEVER LISTEN!!!!" She swore at me when I tried to help her calm down, and tried to work with her on how to handle her complaints - and said there was no way she was going to do it. She brought in everything but the kitchen sink (that may have been in there when we hit on chores). She ranted and threatened for 30 minutes. I sat in my 'nowhere-near-soundproof' office and tried to calm her down. As soon as I hung up the phone, Hubby and I walked out of the door heading home. Kitty needs me there to keep her safe when she's like this. Of course she'd calmed down during our conversations, so she saw no reason for us to have come home early. And of course no idea why she was in the FAIR Club. (See my link on the sidebar as to what the FAIR Club is).

So I went to the grocery store with Grandma, leaving Hubby home with the kids, and pumped Grandma for information. She confirmed that she and Kitty had an altercation about where things should go in Kitty's room - and thanked me for backing her up. She denied that Ponito is cussing, although she said he is using similar words, like frigging, which are still "No No" words in our house.

Grandma then started talking about her and Poppy helping us get out of the debt pit that we are in and wanting to know exactly how much we owe and to who. I had to admit that I don't really know. I figure it doesn't do me any good to worry about it, when Hubby is going to do all the worrying for me. After all, that's why I take an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety med! Grandma wants me to talk Hubby into taking anti-depressants. I've agreed with her for years, but Hubby is very anti-meds for himself. Not much I can do. Hubby wants them to only loan him the bare minimum we might need, because he is very proud and hates to owe more than he has to. Grandma wants to loan us one big lump sum so we're not living hand to mouth and dealing with debt collectors. She worries what would happen if something happens to Hubby. The house is in disrepair and we couldn't sell it now if we wanted to. The second story deck was never finished and was done incorrectly (the wood was not treated wood!) - it is now literally sagging and falling apart. I worry everytime the children walk under it.

After we got home I called a family meeting. We talked about the fact that I've been letting stuff slide lately and I was giving them a heads up that that was going to change. Last year I decided that nothing but Christian music was allowed in the house. So I gave them mp3 players for Christmas filled with "appropriate music" - Christian rap for Bear, Christian Country for Kitty and Christian rock for everyone. I was sick of hearing Bear's 2Pac music coming out of the radio, and Kitty and Bob singing Carrie Underwood's Before He Cheats - not the best for my vengeful little one to be listening to. Here's the refrain.

That I dug my key into the side of his Pretty little souped up four wheel drive

Carved my name into his leather seat

I took a Louisville slugger to both head lights

Slashed a hole in all four tires

Maybe next time he'll think before he cheats

We talked about the fact that a lot of stuff is going missing. That cussing or using "No No" word equivalents was unacceptable. We talked about some movies that had snuck into the acceptable family videos (Kindergarten Cop being one). Basically Kitty's little vindictive heart was happy because "EVERYbody" got in trouble. Then Kitty and I left for therapy.

At therapy I decided I was tired of letting the therapist "lead" Kitty -and letting Kitty avoid talking about anything from her past, and focusing on Kitty's whines about current stuff. I'd already heard enough current stuff today. (Did I mention that I realized I didn't take my meds all day yesterday? I was a little cranky).

So in therapy, I asked the therapist to give Kitty the EMDR paddles, and I dug in. We've been talking in the car about biomom, past abuse, sexual abuse, all sorts of lovely topics that were never discussed in front of a therapist! So I started getting her to talk about it in therapy. When she wandered off to discuss why I wouldn't give her something or on a tangent about old friends, I not so gently reined her back in. We discussed pretty much everything, but the day that biomom put Kitty in foster care - because Kitty said she didn't remember it (yet she was reciting with perfect detail things that happened to her when she was 4!), and we ran out of time.

Kitty was perfectly calm on the way home. Maybe this EMDR stuff really works! We decided that the reason she had such a hard day was because she "might" have dropped one of her important meds (not the vitamins or fish oil) and not bothered to look for it. She was going to see the psychiatrist the next night so we'll discuss that with him. I don't think she should be so close to the edge that if she misses one dose she is completely derailed like this.

Kitty on her adoption day! Doesn't she look thrilled?!

So the next morning I figured I'd collect all the "inappropriate" CDs that Bob had "accumulated" before she had a chance to think to hide them. Walked into her room just as she was waking up. She handed me the 3 inch stack (my children are apparently incapable of keeping CDs and DVDs in cases!)! While waiting for her to go through them and pull out the few appropriate CDs I of course glanced around her room and noticed one of my romance novels next to her bed. One called Sex, Lies, and Vampires, by one of my favorite authors. She writes the funniest stories, but they do tend to have raunchy sex. I was horrified!
Bob's weekly chore is to clean my bathroom (which is often used by the kids ever since Bear "accidentally" tore off the soap dish rendering the shower part of their bathroom inoperable - plus their bathroom "always" stinks). She had apparently decided to take this book when she had nothing to read one day. I fussed at her because there are plenty of appropriate sci-fi books in there that she does have permission to read. She said it was "just an adventure story." We sat down and talked about how 12 year old girls might not understand parts of adult books and think that is what real life is like. I told her that if she really wanted to read romance novels I would not be happy, but I did have some that were more appropriate. I read a series called Inspirational Living which are Christian romances. I am a voracious reader can you tell? That's when I found out she's been reading my romance novels for awhile now. This was not her first offense. *sigh* Now I have to come up with a FAIR Club assignment for her too.
This has just not been my day. Took Kitty to work with us to give Grandma (and Kitty) a break. Kitty's psychiatrist appointment is downtown near where we work so we could go straight there instead of having to drive 45 minutes to pick her up and then 45 minutes back downtown. Hubby just asked me what time we needed to leave for the appointment. I told him he hadn't sent me the time, but I assumed it was 5:15 or 5:30 as usual. NOPE! 3:45pm. It is 4:35pm. Called the psychiatrist's office and they apparently closed early today. Now Bear doesn't have his prescription we needed to pick up, and Kitty didn't get her med changes she obviously needed. Can I go back to bed?!

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