This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Friday, April 30, 2010

Heigh ho, heigh ho it's off to work I go?

I've not been at work much the last month (OK, to be honest, I go as little as possible now that Hubby no longer works there). The advantage of owning my own company is that no one can fire me for this. The disadvantage is...

wait, I'll think of one...


oh yea, I'm not the sole owner and co-owner Hubby is upset with me, and apparently the employees are talking to him about it.

Seriously though, why should I go in? I can work from home on the few things I do for the company (creating marketing materials, writing proposals... umm, can't think of anything else). Clients almost always make appointments for meetings, and I only live 15 minutes away so if a client ever "dropped in" (which I think has happened 3 times in 3 years), and for some reason I need to be there, then I could scoot right over.

The only reason I can think of to go is to prop up the ego of the sales guy. He's good (probably), but he needs to reassurance over and over about how well he's doing, it's because of the economy we have no jobs - not him, what the client thought of our presentation... He doesn't communicate well via e-mail and for some reason doesn't just call me either. I can only say so many times, "I think it went really well. I'm sure we'll get the job. I thought you did a good job when you... This is going to be our year. I see amazing things for the company now that the economy seems to be picking up. I'm so glad you're devoted to us. We really want you here." Sales guys are like that, and I get it, but it's still very draining.

Reasons not to go to work:

  • Same reason I never answer the phone at home. I have to deal with people who want money we don't have.

  • Why sit in an office and stare at my computer, when I can lay on my couch and do the same thing?

  • It means I have to stop what I'm doing and get in the car and drive over there. I hate transitions. (I don't even like getting up to pee).

  • I have to look the employees in the face to tell them we don't have money to pay them and it's probably because they're not doing their job fast enough (but also due to circumstances beyond our control).

  • It's even more obvious that I'm not doing anything to help the company (like make sales calls) which makes me feel guilty and upsets Hubby.

Hubby accused me of being "just as bad as Bear and Kitty about avoiding their problems."

Am I?

Why should I put myself out there to get yelled at? It doesn't change anything. If I thought there was a solution I would talk to them, but I can't even tell them when the next payment might be coming because I don't handle the finances.

I admit I avoid confrontation. It's how I grew up.

So am I depressed or have PTSD issues so I'm shutting down? Do I just need to up my meds or see my therapist more?

Is this a normal reaction to the amount of stress I'm under both at work and at home, and it will pass when the stress does? (Will the stress ever pass? It's not like I have a "normal" life, and even when the stress lightens up I somehow find myself looking for more - things are so quiet around here, let's adopt teenagers with major issues! That's not enough, let's put everything we own into and borrow even more from everyone to buy a company! Still not enough, I know! I'll run it myself and try to force myself to do things I hate, like cold calls and dealing with the finances...).

Am I really still under the weather or is that just an excuse? My allergies are still bothering me and I'm coughing my head off, but I'm probably just exhausted because I never sleep instead of really being sick.

Am I in the wrong job? I've always been a manager, but there's always been someone over me who's ultimately responsible. What would happen if I told Hubby I want to quit the company. Would it be less upsetting to everyone if I just said, "This is a part-time job. I will be here 10-15 hours a week. Deal with it." You know, that's not a bad idea. Right now it looks like I'm not living up to expectations. The employees are losing confidence in my abilities. In reality though I'm getting done what needs to be done. I never signed on to do the financial side of things. My job was marketing and HR. Not a lot of HR needed for three employees.

Make that 2 employees, Hubby just told me we have to lay one off. *sigh*

I haven't moved off this couch all day. Today none of the employees even sent me an e-mail asking if I was coming in. I'm going to take a nap now.


GB's Mom said...

Call it part time may be your best solution. The economy has to pick up eventually.

Anonymous said...

Well begun is half done.......................................................

Integrity Singer said...

my rule of thumb is that if you think you might be needing a med adjustment, you probably do. chat up your doc, make sure it's not a lurking depression. Then readjust your employment agreement so that it suits everyone, particularly hubby. Time to negotiate and find out what he really needs and what you really need to be doing for the business.