This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Thursday, January 8, 2009

Have I been an ostrich?

This is an e-mail I received from Kitty's EMDR therapist. Am I prepared for this? I guess we've been progressing so far and so well that I want to think this is a glitch, something that will blow over. I've got a call in to the AT therapist hoping she'll tell me something different, but this was a real wake up call.


My thoughts are these. I will be happy to do any configuration with biomom; I don 't want her here at the house. I will only see her at the south office. I do think you have to consider actual inpatient treatment for her; and I hate saying that because I am not crazy about anything but this can't go on. See if ___________ (RTC Bear went to) has a place for her; check with _____________ (local girls-only RTC I used to work at many years ago) and see if she is appropriate for them. There is a place in (about an hour away) called _________; I had someone there several years ago. I am not super crazy about anything except the kind of treatment I was trained in; but I don't know myself anyone else in the area who does that kind of work.

Now why I am suggesting that you find out about these placements is--if she sees biomom or not we have to be ready to have a safe place with adequate staff to contain her. If she sees her it can be awful as you are clearly aware of; if she doesn't and knows Bear does see her, it will be horrific. My personal preference is to not delay the inevitable; force the issue; but have your ducks lined up before you make the decision which way to move.

She will ask (biomom) to take her "home". We know that can't happen. She will melt down or attack her in some way--maybe just verbally. But it won't be pretty, and your home will get the fall out either way. She is out of control, and you are getting too tired. It won't help anyone if you get sick because of this child who has so many problems. Right now I think she needs more help than you and (Hubby) can provide in the home and keep your home environment healthy for you. She ties up so much of your energy.

I have worked with many kids like her; and the one hour office visit really isn't enough. I think she would have a better chance with a 24/7 contolled environment for a long period for her to get other professionals (plural) to do what you are trying to do with so little help. But I am here for the long haul. I will do whatever you are ready to try. I believe you are both wonderful parents and you got much more than you signed on for. No decision you make will be wrong. As I learned many years ago, you can't damage these kids further. The damage was already done by the time you got them.

See you tomorrow.
(EMDR therapist)


Lisa said...

I am so sorry Mary. It may be your only option right now. As you know we were very close to this too. Weigh your options carefully, talk with others, and listen to your heart. It's a hard decision but only you know what you're capable of and what your family can take.

Torina said...

That is so hard. I'll be thinking of you.

Lorraine Fuller said...

I will be praying for you, I know this will be a tough time for you. I have no answers, but hugs and prayers.

Anonymous said...

Wow, this is tough love... not for Kitty, but for you! She has put into words and even given you permission to do something you were only secretly or subconsiously considering before now.

I think it's time to ask God for an answer. Drop on your knees and beg for guidance.