This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Friday, May 21, 2010

Bad News Bear

The good news is the ARD is scheduled for Tuesday at 2:30pm!

The bad news is Bear apparently just found out that he is going to be escorted between classes and has to eat lunch in the ISS room. He blames me (rightly so, the school wasn’t going to do anything about it until I made them).

Bear called me at 12:30 screaming and cursing and ordering me to come pick him up. I refused (don’t really want to be in a car with a 220lb angry gorilla for some reason) and tried to help him find a way to calm down. He continued to threaten to walk out and I continued to refuse to come get him. He slammed down the phone and stormed out, but was apparently intercepted by the AP (he was there for once!). I called the AP a minute later and told him I won’t come get Bear. This did not please the AP who said I was "tying thier hands." I told him he could call the police if needed.

I’ll call him back in a minute and tell him Hubby can pick up Bear in ½ an hour or so. I’ll also remind them to make sure he gets his mid-day meds.

I’ve almost stopped shaking.

What the heck am I going to do with this child all Summer?

The good news is that this can only help our case for getting him back at the Special School (assuming he doesn't run away this Summer when he turns 17). Is it wrong to hope he escalates to the point where he takes a swing at the AP? (Not hurting the man, just making the attempt.) He needs access to the services that would give him.

Struggling to Stand sent me info about getting an adult declared as needing guardianship. If Bear were younger or obviously mentally disabled (what's the current PC term?) in some way I would guess that the police would return him, but otherwise it is up to the police officer to decide whether or not to force him home (Bear looks like an adult). Gonna finish filling out the CRCG paperwork today and see if they can help me find more options.


GB's Mom said...

I am glad you got it scheduled!

Anonymous said...

Who is going to the ARD with you? (Schools *hate* being surprised by extra attendees, even though the extras are allowed. It doesn't hurt to let them know in advance of anyone else you've invited.)

Is it wrong to hope for escallation? Well, 15 years ago I needed to break from my now ex but I needed a firm sign something more than the usual h*ll. He called, late, obviously had been drinking. I sat down and wrote a note, telling the universe that I wanted him to get a DWI but with nobody being hurt. He didn't come home that night; he spent it in jail on DWI charges. And I had what I needed to free myself. So, NO. It is not wrong. Be clear in the kind of help you need, and the limits to that help (no hurt, not a felony). Write it down.

Mental disability: if there is any chance he will go along with it, call your MHMR and ask for a determination of MR for him. You tell them the truth (has he ever had his IQ tested?) that you believe he needs guardanship. They should do the determination for free. Tell him that you have been thinking about trying to legally force him into staying at home, but that you can't do it if he does too well on their testing.

For the summer? I'm not *that* good. Identify his motivators. Lock up your purse. Before he goes, tell him that if he decides the world is harder than he thought, he can come back home.

Mom 4 Kids said...

Hugs Mama Mary you are doing a great job!

marythemom said...

StS: I'm actually a pretty strong advocate for my kids, as long as I know what I'm asking for. When I first started this stuff I asked them what they thought was best and usually went along with it. I brought Heather's therapist and a friend who is a parent advocate once and they sat like lumps. It was pretty frustrating.

However the IEP goals you gave me were absolutely amazing so if you're interested... otherwise I think I'll be OK.

Bear has had many IQ tests. His verbal IQ is in the 90s, but pretty much everything else is in the low 70s. He's borderline, but not MR. It would have to be based on something else.



Anonymous said...

Silly Mary!
My A isn't MR, she is just borderline. (Well, I think that depends on the phase of the moon plus a number of other factors).
There is something called "related conditions". Which is whatever it is that A has that makes her operate like a 5-year-old. Actually, for her they are blaming it all on her hydrocephalus, although I know that isn't the case, it is an easy "out" for them. Maybe try calling the MHMR and see what sorts of things can be "related conditions"

I thought of volunteering straight-out, but despite my strength on paper I tend to bow quickly under person-to-person pressure. (If they say "You are wrong", I almost never have enough belief in my knowldge to say "No, I am right."

He is diagnosed as NVLD? After all, his scores easily peg him as that.

marythemom said...

I submitted the kids' applications for MHMR today. Will find out mid next week if they got in. Medicaid doesn't pay for psych evals if I remember right so I don't think I can get them to retest him.

I'm an extrovert and if I'm confident that I am the expert on my subject (which I am) then I'm fine with standing up for my opinions so I think I'll be OK at the ARD.

What is NVLD?


Anonymous said...

All testing we had with the MHMR was free. But they have different goals than schools or neuropsychs do, so their testing only aims towards their goals (what can the kid do, instead of where does kid need help, strengths & weaknesses, etc.)

NVLD is Non-Verbal Learning Disability. I'd always heard its tell-tale sign is a significant difference between verbal and non-verbal IQ (verbal being signficantly higher). NVLD hit the scene when A was little, and over 80% of kids w/ spina bifida have it, so I heard about it a LOT. But A, whose shunt is on the "wrong" side, does not have NVLD.

This is just another way of saying that Bear is Bear, only his verbal skills aren't as good as most with NVLD. I wanted to say it was a "real" diagnoses, but it might not be. I just discovered it is often considered similar to Aspergers, although parents w/ kids of both types can tell the difference.

Susan from the Pacific Northwest said...

I'm new to your blog, so you may have already addressed this.

Do you have documentation on disability to show the police if they are called? If you have the right documentation from the doctor it can make a difference between the child being brought to a mental health facility, and juvie.

Ask me how I know.

My child'e psychologist wrote one specifically to show the police.

Anonymous said...


marythemom said...

SSR - I was going to post about this, but obviously haven't gotten around to it yet so I figured I should answer you here!

No, we didn't/don't have documents regarding Bear's issues to show the police. For several reasons:
1. He was a foster child during the really aggressive stuff so we had few documented diagnoses and major issues with privacy and not being his full guardians.
2. The police seemed perfectly willing to believe us that Bear had mega issues and they weren't our fault. However, they refused to do anything unless he was actively suicidal or homicidal and he always "calmed down" within minutes of their arrival if he wasn't already calmed (his rages were usually reserved for parents).
3. By the time we had diagnoses he had been in residential and was no longer violent to the point where we needed to involve the police. He still has issues that end in police involvement occasionally, but they're for things like bringing toy guns to school that have been altered to look real (police left the minute they were done lecturing him on the danger - which he still doesn't "get").
4. The school has been very accepting of the info we've given them, and they have documentation of his history and test results so most of the time we don't have to fight that battle. It's not that they don't believe us, it's just that we don't agree on what to do about it.

Thanks for reading and commenting on my blog. Sorry it took me so long to answer you. Let me know if that didn't clarify anything.