This blog is my place to vent and share resources with other parents of children of trauma. I try to be open and honest about my feelings in order to help others know they are not alone. Therapeutic parenting of adopted teenagers with RAD and other severe mental illnesses and issues (plus "neurotypical" teens) , is not easy, and there are time when I say what I feel... at the moment. We're all human!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

It's not his fault


Bear yelled, cussed and threatened to leave when informed that he was going to be escorted between classes and would have to go to ISS (in school suspension) for lunch. Not just at me, but apparently at the whole school. I've heard different versions. He ended up in the AP's office for an hour or so to calm down then went to ISS for the rest of the day (think Bear made the connection that his behavior made it worse for himself? If you said yes, then you thought wrong. He justified his behavior by saying he wasn't going to get what he wanted anyway so he might as well torture everyone. He thinks he has no reason to behave because no matter what he does he does we won't lighten up on him anyway. Apparently he acted the jerk for the rest of the day - disruptive and distracting in ISS).

I feel so sorry for the Behavior Program teacher, Mr. P., was apparently the one that got the job of telling Bear about the escorting and lunch in ISS, and then following him around all day. This is the man Bear thinks is out to get him and was accusing of sexual harassment (because the teacher followed Bear into the bathroom once - didn't say or do anything and didn't "look" just wouldn't go away and leave Bear alone).

After the blow-up, Bear spent an hour calming down in the AP's office then spent the rest of the day in ISS. He got on the bus and came home. Hubby met the bus so Bear wasn't alone with Grandma or I. I went to my therapy, Grandma took Bob to dinner, and Hubby took the rest of the kids to a end of year party for Kitty's behavior/special ed program at the house of one of her classmates. Bear was in the program a couple of years ago when he was in middle school so he knew and liked a couple of the teachers that were there.

After therapy I met Hubby and the kids at the party. Extrovert heaven for me! Other parents of special needs teens! Hubby had to drag me out by my hair at 10:30pm (1.5 hours after the kids bedtime). I met another mom with bipolar who was pretty manic, and I discovered that I don't just pick up other's accents to the point that I worry that they'll think I'm mocking them, but apparently I pick up their entire frame of mind. I was just as manic as she until I was away from her for about 10 minutes. Freaky!


Hubby had to work (teaching scuba) so I had the 3 older kids by myself (Hubby took Ponito to the lake). The good thing about Bear is that he shoves his emotions in a box so while he's never really happy, at the same time he rarely stays mad for long (surly and pouting he can hang onto forever). So I took them grocery shopping. Yes, I know. It sounds masochistic... and it is, but it was better than sitting around the house all day (which he hates), or taking him to thrift stores (which he hates), or spending the day telling him no for all the things he wants to do that we can't afford or I can't trust him with.

Then I took him to therapy. (Girls stayed with Grandma). The therapist actually stepped up to the plate a little. He never returned my call on Friday or responded to my e-mail, but he at least acted as though he'd skimmed it. He asked Bear what happened on Friday and Bear said, "I don't know." When pressed, Bear started talking about something random that happened that morning (rough horseplay with a friend). By the end of therapy I was even more worried about Bear. Nothing was his fault. He is giving up, because no matter what he does he has no control over his life and everyone is out to get him so he might as well just be really "bad" and get to enjoy torturing adults.

Bear mainly just wanted everyone to leave him alone. He was going to go somewhere (it varied - a mountain, a ranch, a reservation, Mexico - he said repeatedly he didn't care if the country would cut off his hands or kill him if he got in trouble...) where he could be totally alone and do whatever he wanted. Therapist pointed out that he couldn't escape trouble - the trouble is in him. Bear had a defeatist/ blow up the world attitude. As usual we tried to talk him into construction/ building/ fixing instead of demolition, but I know it didn't "stick."

He was blaming me for everything that was happening with school. Not just the recent stuff. He said even when he was behaving he didn't get privileges like getting to hang out with his friends - so why bother. He also brought up the fact that every time he had a friend over I would hang out with them. Whenever I talked to his friend's parent, they no longer hung out with him. Of course this is because almost all of the friends he was talking about were girls, and always girls with mega issues (the only ones that will put up with his b.s.). And of course the fact that he is completely untrustworthy and every time we give him an inch, he acts entitled to a mile.

MONDAY was even more fun.


Mom 4 Kids said...

The teenage issue scare me! Your a good Mom Mary! :-)

FosterAbba said...

My kid does the same thing. She gets in trouble because other people (mostly us) make her angry. If people would only do what she wants, then she wouldn't have reason to act out...

It's so hard to cope with, isn't it? Hang in there.

Mama Drama Times Two said...

I soooo hate the lack of personal responsibility in our kids. Constantly deflecting and blaming others must be sooo exhausting. Yet WE are tired - not THEM! Go figure.

GB's Mom said...

The teenage years are the pits. But you need to remember that our kids mature much slower than NT Kids. Time will help- I just hope Bear can stay out of real trouble long enough!

Tara - SanitySrchr said...

I'm SCARED of the upcoming teenage years seeing as how my son now spits on and kicks his classmates already (you know, because they made him angry). Oy.....